ARCHIE BAR_PATRON BASIL BRIAN CAMERON CHARLES DAYSEE DECLAN DEIRDRE DELIVERY_PERSON FREDDIE GERALD GINGER HELEN HENRY HERMIONE JAMES JOYCE KEVIN LIZZIE MAUD MONICA PATRICK PAUL RADIO_PRESENTER RUPERT SARAH SEB SHELLEY STEVE TAGGIE TONY VALERIE WALLA RUPERT Hup, hup, hup. RUPERT I haven't eaten since we last met. TAGGIE Really? RUPERT You still have all my silverware. TAGGIE Oh, I'm so sorry. RUPERT It's all right. I needed to lose the Christmas weight. TAGGIE I've just been so busy since New Year's Eve. RUPERT Oh, good. I'm glad. You deserve to be. TAGGIE Catering at the Baddingham pheasant shoot next Saturday. Will you be there? RUPERT Sadly not. I haven't had an invitation to the Falconry since I introduced Paul Stratton to Monica's buffet table. RUPERT A real shame on this occasion as I hear the food will be excellent. BASIL And there's me thinking the way to a man's heart is in his trousers. DECLAN Am I interrupting? TAGGIE No, Daddy. We borrowed his cutlery for the party. DECLAN Well, then we should return it. RUPERT Did I ever tell you how much I enjoy your show? Thrilling stuff. RUPERT Once you get your teeth into something you don't let go, do you? DECLAN If you're such a fan, why don't you come on? You'd make a great guest. DECLAN I promise to be gentle. RUPERT Unfortunately, the only evening I've got free in the near future is Valentine's Day and I doubt it'll stay that way for long. Sorry to disappoint, old chap. TAGGIE Here we are, Rupert. TAGGIE Rupert. RUPERT Huh? RUPERT Thanks, Tag. DECLAN Cunt. DECLAN That's all we got time for tonight. DECLAN I'm sure our audience misses seeing you each week in Knight Rider. Still, at least you're not playing second fiddle to a talking car anymore. BRIAN Time to wrap it up, Declan. DAYSEE He's got ten seconds left. DECLAN Before we go, I would also like to mention that a special edition of our show will now be going out on Valentine's Day with former Olympic showjumper, Mr Rupert Campbell-Black MP. DECLAN I know that news will come as a surprise and a delight to many. Until next time. Goodnight. CAMERON What the fuck was that? I thought I told you not to pull this shit anymore. DECLAN Jesus. Relax, will you? CAMERON Relax? Declan, all his office has to do is release a statement tomorrow morning saying they don't know what we're talking about, and we look like a bunch of amateurs. TONY Cameron, be nice to poor Declan. CAMERON He's an asshole. TONY No, he's a genius. TONY Rupert can't refuse a challenge. I know him. CAMERON You're both assholes. TONY Mmm. All we have to do is wait. DEIRDRE Declan. DECLAN Yeah. DEIRDRE Mr Campbell-Black is on line one. CAMERON Well, isn't the genius gonna talk to him? DECLAN He can speak to my producer. Same as anybody else. CAMERON This is Cameron Cook. RUPERT Mrs T thinks I should accept the invitation. Take the opportunity to show you media pinkos who's boss. CAMERON I'm inclined to agree with her, but I voted for Reagan. RUPERT Really? Good girl. CAMERON So, Minister, are you game? RUPERT We don't know each other well, Miss Cook, but I do hope that over the course of our acquaintance, I might have the opportunity to show you how very game I am. TONY Well? CAMERON He's in. SHELLEY Don't think you're touching my tits later dressed like that. ARCHIE No. Sure. KEVIN Ignore my sister. She's a right bellend. HENRY Yeah, before the syphilis reached his brain, my father used to host seven shoots a year, and we never started the first drive later than half past 9:00. HERMIONE Shush, darling. They're waiting for their electrician friend. HENRY Oh, yes, the electrician. TONY He's not an electrician. TONY Freddie Jones is an electronics mogul. TONY Today's a celebration of him joining my board. He's the guest of honour, Henry. TONY You and your wife are here to make sure he has a jolly nice time, all right? HENRY Right. MONICA Oh, he's here. TONY Finally. TONY Look at that little number. HENRY Yeah, well, as long as he can shoot straight, I couldn't give a fuck. TONY That's the spirit. TONY You made it. FREDDIE Bloody hell, Tone, should I chuck a bucket of mud over me motor? I'm feeling very conspicuous all of a sudden. TONY Freddie. You're perfect as you are. FREDDIE My sweets. PAUL Oh, dear God. SARAH Look, it's Sherlock Ideal Holmes. VALERIE Tony, thank you so much for receiving us. LIZZIE Here to investigate crimes against taste. TONY Of course. VALERIE Mon Mon. MONICA Hello, Valerie. TONY Good to see ya. FREDDIE Pleasure. VALERIE Lady Hermione, so honoured to make your acquaintance. HERMIONE Mrs Jones, I've heard so much about you. TONY Now, let's get a gun in your hand. FREDDIE No need. FREDDIE I brought me own. TONY Oh. Marvellous. HENRY You are sure he can shoot, aren't you? MONICA Oh. HERMIONE So, how long do you spend on a cock, hmm? MONICA Uh, well, generally speaking, I can finish one off in 15 minutes or less, but my hands aren't as quick as they used to be. HERMIONE Hmm. No, sure. FREDDIE Any of you ladies fancy having a go? VALERIE Traditionally speaking, Fred Fred, it's the men that shoot. We ladies are here merely to marvel at your prowess. SARAH Are you going? LIZZIE I will. SARAH Oh, she's doing it. She's off. VALERIE Wow. FREDDIE All right. Good for you, girl. So... FREDDIE Here it is. FREDDIE What h-- What handed are you? LIZZIE Right-handed. FREDDIE You're right-handed? Okay. So, just take it-- take it. Your trigger's there. FREDDIE Safety's off. Now, you gotta keep it hard into your shoulder, otherwise, you're gonna do yourself a mischief. LIZZIE Okay. FREDDIE Right, okay. Go on. In your own time. FREDDIE Whoa. LIZZIE Oh. Never mind. FREDDIE Go on. Have another go. LIZZIE Oh, no, no, no, it's fine. Thank you. FREDDIE God, look at the state of your hands. LIZZIE God. I hoped nobody would notice. LIZZIE Um, I was fighting with a typewriter ribbon, first thing. Needless to say, the ribbon won. LIZZIE Oh, well. KEVIN Know anywhere quiet? VALERIE Lord Lieutenant. Hello, Mr Hampshire. You must visit Green Lawns soon. Oh, we would so love to receive you. Do say you'll come. HENRY Uh-huh? HENRY Certainly. Yes. Wha-What a splendid idea. VALERIE Mrs Stratton. Hello. You must come and visit me in my boutique. I'm always searching for the right kind of clientele, and well, natural elegance can be so hard to find. SARAH Yes. No, I have been meaning to, it's just-- Yeah. PAUL You could pick something out for your Corinium screen test, couldn't you, darling? SARAH Great idea. JAMES A screen test? How exciting. Any idea what he has in mind for you? SARAH Oh, he hasn't said, actually. JAMES Well, choose your outfit wisely, Sarah. The camera can be very unforgiving, even for the most perfect of specimens. VALERIE Mon Mon. Hello. I'm having a fabulous time. TONY Freddie. Thought you hadn't shot before. Turns out you're a natural. FREDDIE Yeah, I was top marksman at Bisley for two years during me national service. TONY Ah! No wonder then. I want to introduce you to my son. TONY Um, just bear with me a moment. FREDDIE Yeah. ARCHIE Oh, fuck! KEVIN A spliff and a wank would sort you right out, mate. KEVIN Just a thought. TONY There are far too many loaded guns around here today for you to be making comments like that. TONY Now, fuck off before I do something you'll regret. FREDDIE Oh, Tones! Look who's here. BASIL Surprise. RUPERT Hope you don't mind us dropping in. TONY Of course not. I've shot two dozen pheasant, a jay and a woodcock this morning. Why shouldn't I add a couple of cuckoos to that tally? RUPERT Well, for a start, I wouldn't be able to appear on your chat show. WALLA Oh! TONY Why shoot you now when I can wait, and have you savaged by an Irish wolfhound? PAUL Ooh! TONY Ginger, please show our guests to their pegs for the next drive. TAGGIE I can't believe you turned up uninvited. RUPERT Don't always have to be invited, Taggie. RUPERT Good things seldom come to those who wait. DECLAN Charles. CHARLES Oh. Hello. I didn't expect to see anybody. DECLAN I'm researching Campbell-Black and needed something from my office. CHARLES I never thought I'd see the day when Tony Baddingham had Declan O'Hara doing his dirty work. DECLAN I have my own reasons for wanting to take that bastard down. CHARLES You know, in different circumstances, you and Rupert could've been friends. Both complicated, both stubborn, misunderstood. DECLAN Bollocks. DECLAN What are you doing in on a Saturday? CHARLES Moving offices ahead of my grand return. CHARLES Apparently, my recent coronary episode makes me a medical liability, which is why Cameron Cook is now controller of programmes and I'm-- DECLAN Head of Religious Broadcasting. CHARLES I can't begrudge her too much. Climbing the greasy pole requires its own set of skills. DECLAN Mmm. CHARLES Especially when the greasy pole in question lives in Tony Baddingham's trousers. DECLAN How's the heart? CHARLES Oh, you know, broken. CHARLES Don't show Tony any weakness, Declan, or this is what you get. RUPERT What did you think of your first shoot? TAGGIE How can people murder helpless animals all day for fun? RUPERT Says the girl who baked two dozen pork pies for the occasion. Or do you suppose the poor piggies were hugged to death? TAGGIE Don't be horrid. I needed the job. RUPERT Don't be a hypocrite. Stand up for what you believe in. TAGGIE Maybe I shouldn't be saying this, but I don't think you should go on Daddy's show. I'm worried he's gonna do something awful. RUPERT I'll be fine. Promise. MONICA Oh, look at this-- HERMIONE Oh, smashing spread, Agatha. HERMIONE I'm hosting at the Beaufort next month and I wondered if you might do the food? TAGGIE Oh, that's-- that's very kind. HERMIONE Yeah. TAGGIE Uh... TAGGIE To be honest, I-I find the whole idea of hunts and shoots utterly ob-objectionable and I won't be doing them anymore. HERMIONE Oh, right. MONICA Be careful, Agatha. You're in danger of developing a backbone. MONICA Now, I have got a girls' supper Monday week. I'm gonna give you a tinkle. BASIL Come on, Rupe. We've got a hot date at the Dog and Trumpet. RUPERT Bye, angel. VALERIE I have had the most delightful day. VALERIE It's so nice to have finally found our kind of people. FREDDIE Sorry, Tone, I gotta get to the office. Trouble with a shipment out of Japan. TONY Oh. You're a true titan of industry, Freddie. Let's talk again soon. Try and set a date for you to come in and discuss your ideas, yeah? FREDDIE I'll give you a ring on Monday. VALERIE Thanks. Bye-bye. MONICA Well done. MONICA They're just through there. I'll fetch the brandy glasses. SARAH Oh, Mr Hampshire, I would so love to receive you. TONY Oh, well, fortunately for you, Mrs Jones, hounds aren't the only thing I ride to. SARAH No, I'm sure a ride with you would be delightful. HENRY What can I say? The likeness is uncanny. SARAH Uh, what about me, Mr Hampshire? Do I bear a resemblance? TONY Oh, I'm sure he wishes you did. He'd be bounding down to Green Lawns to admire one's topiary balls. FREDDIE Sorry, Mousie left her, um... SARAH Oh, n-no. Yeah, sure. I was just, um, trying them on for size. SARAH You know, I really must get down to Mousie's boutique soon. FREDDIE Well, look, thanks again for a great time. Let's talk on Monday. TONY Absolutely. TONY Let me see you out. FREDDIE No, no, no. You're all right. I know the way. TONY Now, who'd like a cigar? PAUL Yes, please. DECLAN Ah, how was the shoot? TAGGIE Meh. They killed loads of birds, but they liked my food. Rupert stopped by. DECLAN Oh, Jesus Christ. Is there no place free of that man? TAGGIE "Cheating..." "Caught red-handed." What? DECLAN Why are you in here? TAGGIE What are you planning on doing to Rupert? TAGGIE He said he was sorry. DECLAN I raised you to be smarter than that. DECLAN A story is a story. TAGGIE It looks like it's all been said before. DECLAN No, it hasn't. TAGGIE He doesn't deserve whatever you have planned for him. DECLAN It's called journalism, Tag. TAGGIE You can call it what you want. TAGGIE I call it revenge. SEB So, what's this big scoop you've got on Rupert? The whole office is talking about it. DECLAN A magician never reveals his secret, Seb. DECLAN "The Butcher of Corinium." That's a new one. DECLAN It's not true, is it? DECLAN I mean, I kn-- I know the show can get a bit confrontational, but I'd never rip someone apart for the sake of it. SEB You're making great television, and more importantly, keeping Lord B happy. DEIRDRE Slag. JOYCE Lord Baddingham's office. JOYCE Of course, putting you through. JOYCE Freddie Jones for you. TONY Freddie, how are ya? FREDDIE I can't join your board, Tony. TONY Freddie-- FREDDIE I heard everything. FREDDIE You, Sarah, all of 'em. FREDDIE I don't mind people making fun of me. It's just that nobody makes fun of my Valerie. TONY We all love Mousie. FREDDIE I hate snobs, Tony. And you're the worst kind there is, the kind who's forgotten where he came from. TONY VALERIE Fred Fred, I am in such turmoil. VALERIE Some young ladies from Corinium were in the boutique earlier today, saying the most ghastly things about Tony Baddingham and that Black woman. VALERIE I just don't know what I'm gonna say to poor Monica. FREDDIE Well, then don't say anything. VALERIE Oh, I must. It's too awful. FREDDIE Mousie, please. It's got nothing to do with us. CAMERON We needed Freddie! TONY It was Rupert. He crashed the shoot, ruined the mood. CAMERON Don't be such a baby. You fucked up. TONY Beg your pardon? CAMERON You heard me. CAMERON Forget Freddie Jones. CAMERON You've got me and Declan, and we've got the highest ratings in the country. CAMERON I know Declan's got a scoop on Rupert. CAMERON Apparently, it's top secret. TONY Valentine's Day can't come quickly enough. VALERIE Mon Mon? MONICA Oh! I promise we aren't always shooting things here, Valerie, but roosting on my hornbeams is a capital offence. VALERIE Dearest Mon Mon, I'm afraid I must relay some rather difficult information to you regarding Cameron Cook. MONICA Oh, yes? VALERIE You see, as the owner of a very popular boutique, one learns about all sorts of goings-on, and, well, the suggestion is that she might have come by her recent promotion through certain immodest means and that perhaps your husband's head was, well, turned. MONICA Well, that's very interesting, Valerie. Thank you. VALERIE I mean, actually, I have no idea whether it could all be substantiated. MONICA No, you don't. VALERIE It can leave one feeling quite alone. VALERIE So, if ever you wanted to confide in someone... MONICA I'm sure that won't be necessary. Thank you so much for stopping by. RADIO PRESENTER Good morning, Rutshire, and a happy Valentine's Day to all our listeners. Stay tuned for back-to-back love songs to get you in the romantic mood. And on television tonight, Declan O'Hara will be interviewing local Casanova, Rupert Campbell-Black. Let's see if Declan gets him to kiss and tell all. DELIVERY PERSON Delivery. LIZZIE Oh, gosh. DELIVERY PERSON For Mr Vereker. LIZZIE Oh. Thank you. Thanks. JAMES Bye, darling. Must dash. Feel free to pop all this in a pile for me. PAUL Darling, we can go for dinner any time. Tonight, I want to watch the Valentine's Day massacre of Rupert Campbell-Black. SARAH Hmm. Well, I'll have finished my screen test for Cotswold Round-Up by mid-afternoon. So, you have until then to change your mind, okay? PAUL Or what? You'll hang an open-for-business sign on your dressing room door? SARAH Don't tempt me. TONY Where have you been? ARCHIE Just getting some exercise. MONICA Archie, dear, your father says he found you on the morning of the shoot receiving manual stimulation from an estate worker. ARCHIE Uh... MONICA Well, darling, look, whilst boarding school is undoubtedly a lonely place where certain extracurricular activities are tolerated, well, at least they were in my day... ARCHIE Fuck? MONICA ...I do feel that one should exercise restraint when closer to home. After all, fraternising with the staff can only ever lead to pain and humiliation for all concerned. MONICA There are lines one does not cross. Understood? ARCHIE Yeah. MONICA Good. MONICA Mmm. See, I told you I'd deal with it. TONY I don't know what I'd do without you. MONICA You might bear that in mind. CAMERON Cameron Cook. PATRICK "I met a lady in the meads, Full beautiful, a faerie's child, Her hair was long, her foot was light, And her eyes were wild I set her on my pacing steed, And nothing else saw all day long, For sidelong would she bend, And sing a faerie's song." CAMERON You know, it's customary to send flowers, cheapskate. PATRICK Oh, hey, there's nothing cheap about John Keats. CAMERON Go try your luck with some doe-eyed undergrads. I'm busy. CAMERON I believe I asked for coffee. Sometime this century would be fantastic. DEIRDRE You'd think the promotion would make her happy, but she's angrier than ever. SEB I'll get the coffee. You get the phone. DEIRDRE James Vereker's phone. LIZZIE Oh, hello, Deirdre. Uh, can you tell James I'd like him home for lunch today? DEIRDRE I'm sorry, who's this? LIZZIE His wife. DEIRDRE Oh, yes. Right, you are. TAGGIE This is for you. It's from Rupert. TAGGIE Hello, Bas. How are you? BASIL Dreadful. BASIL So, Freddie Jones lent me this fabulous new singalong machine, freshly shipped from Japan. I'm supposed to be hosting an "If Music Be The Food of Love" karaoke and curry night, only now, my chef's off sick. TAGGIE Well, I could cook a curry for you. BASIL Oh, that's exactly what I hoped you'd say. MAUD Did I just hear I'm getting abandoned on Valentine's night? MAUD You said you were going to watch Daddy's interview with me, Taggie. BASIL Well, come to the bar. BASIL You can watch the interview and I can watch you. BASIL Oh, and thank you, my darling. Honestly, you really helped me out of a tight spot. MAUD Well, I have a tight spot too if you fancy lending a hand. BASIL Come to Bar Sinister tonight and I'll lend you two. MAUD Ooh. DECLAN Who was that? MAUD Oh, uh-- Ah, it was Bas. He wants Taggie to do some cooking for him. MAUD Good luck tonight. DECLAN Thanks, love. MAUD Give him hell. DECLAN Oh, I will. TAGGIE Daddy, please don't do this to Rupert. DECLAN Oh, for fuck's sake, Tag. This is happening whether you like it or not. Now, grow up. TONY Sarah, you were brilliant. I told you before, the camera loves you. SARAH I was so nervous this morning and having you there just really put me at ease, you know? TONY You should see Sarah's screen test, Cameron. She's really something. CAMERON I'd rather watch frogs fucking. TONY Uh, you can take the girl out of New York. TONY Well, here he is, man of the moment. TONY What's this? More dirt on Rupert? DECLAN You will have to find out tonight, I'm afraid. TONY Scorpion are holding their front page for us tomorrow. So, whatever you have, O'Hara, it better be good. What is it? Drugs? Underage girls? Oh, God. I'd love to see that smug bastard in handcuffs. SARAH Mmm. DECLAN It's not criminal, but I promise you won't be disappointed. DECLAN It'll blindside even him. TONY God. He's a shark. TONY Come on. LIZZIE Mmm. Two sugars. For the shock. FREDDIE Thank you. FREDDIE I only come round to give you this. LIZZIE Oh, gosh, it's-- What is it? FREDDIE It's a word processor. Sort of like a fancy electric typewriter. FREDDIE So you don't have to worry about any more ink-based accidents. LIZZIE Oh, gosh. Freddie. That's-- That's so-- FREDDIE You have a talent, Lizzie. It should be encouraged. FREDDIE I'd better go. LIZZIE Oh, yeah. FREDDIE For what it's worth-- and I didn't see much-- but for what it's worth, I thought you looked lovely. LIZZIE Hello. JAMES Sorry, darling, couldn't get away. LIZZIE Oh, that's all right. Doesn't matter now. JAMES Listen, the whole station's staying to watch the Campbell-Black bloodbath in person. So, don't wait up, all right? LIZZIE Oh, righto. JAMES Lots of love. TONY Thought you might like to meet your new co-host. JAMES Co-host? What do you mean co-host? JAMES Oh, I see. JAMES Well, I can feel my ratings soaring already. HELEN Are you here about the pony? Tabitha's in the stables. This way. TAGGIE I'm here to speak to you about your ex-husband. TAGGIE Um, my father's Declan O'Hara. HELEN I've already told his office. I want nothing to do with this-- TAGGIE I've got a really bad feeling about the interview tonight. HELEN It's got nothing to do with me. TAGGIE Talk to Rupert. Ask him to back out, please. HELEN I think you should leave. TAGGIE I mean, you must have loved him once. HELEN Are you sleeping with him? TAGGIE Wha-- I-- No, I-- No, um-- HELEN Rupert is bad news. TAGGIE I believe that people can change. HELEN I was just like you. I told myself nobody understands him like me, he'll change. HELEN I looked at him and I saw all this potential, and he looked at me and saw something he'd enjoy breaking. HELEN Rupert is a cancer. My advice, cut him out before it's too late. HELEN Now, please leave. DECLAN You're where you are because you're good. DECLAN You know that, don't you? DECLAN Come on, snap out of it. DECLAN We've history to make. SEB Elvis is about to enter the building. GERALD Remember, this isn't Wogan. He won't be gentle. If you don't like the question, change the subject. RUPERT Thanks for the words of wisdom, sensei, but I do feel in situations like this it's often better just to be oneself. GERALD Try telling that to Ted Heath. RUPERT Sure. RUPERT Okay. WARM-UP PERSON Are you ready for a good show tonight? WARM-UP PERSON Yes! Look at you, Maureen, every week she's here. Every week. WARM-UP PERSON And Jane Fonda's got a workout video now. I won't be doing it, I'm on for Jane Fondue. Bit of bread, bit of cheese. Yeah. STEVE Hi. Sandra's just gonna touch you up. Okay? RUPERT I'd love her to, but I'm about to appear on national television. DECLAN Mr Campbell-Black. DECLAN Great to have you on the show. RUPERT Ready when you are. PAUL Hello. SARAH Ooh. PAUL Darling. I am so sorry. I'm such a pig. Can you forgive me? I brought champagne. SARAH Paul, you shouldn't have. PAUL Come here. Phew. All right, direct me to the vol-au-vents. DAYSEE And we're live in five... four... three... two... CAMERON Good luck, Declan. DAYSEE One. DECLAN My guest tonight needs no introduction. He has been described as the world's greatest showjumper and one of the most eligible bachelors in England. He is of course Minister for Sport and MP for Chalford and Bisley, Mr Rupert Campbell-Black. DECLAN Now, Mr Campbell-Black, you've had a varied career, haven't you? What first attracted you to politics? RUPERT Athletes make good politicians. Showjumping taught me how to think on my feet and remain unfazed under scrutiny. DECLAN Do you get on with the Prime Minister? RUPERT I hold her in enormously high esteem. DECLAN Margaret Thatcher is the daughter of a greengrocer. She went to a grammar school as did Norman Tebbit, Cecil Parkinson. The Conservative Party has changed and it's Mrs Thatcher who has changed it. So why do you think she keeps you around? BRIAN Camera one, over to you. RUPERT I hope she thinks I'm good at my job. DECLAN Do aristocrats make good politicians? RUPERT Plenty of them have. My family has a strong sense of moral duty. I inherited that with the house. DECLAN Oh. Noblesse oblige. RUPERT If you like, my Latin is not what it used to be. DECLAN But with your privileged background, how can you understand the difficulties faced by the man on the street? RUPERT I can't help the circumstances of my birth. It's not what you've got, it's what you do with it. DECLAN Now, your tenure as Minister for Sport has been controversial. RUPERT If you're talking about football, then the hooligans are a tiny minority. DECLAN Well, you have taken a notoriously light-touch approach to policing the game. RUPERT The poor sods are out of work, their fathers are out of work. Often their grandfathers too. Out of the sheer frustration of not winning, they resort to violence. I think we should try to understand the vandals. DECLAN Sounds almost socialist. Although some people might call you a vandal of women, horses, marriages. Still adultery must prepare you well for life within the Conservative Party. RUPERT I'm sorry? DECLAN You know, sneaking around, lying, betrayal, sexual degeneracy. RUPERT I'm no longer married. DECLAN Yeah, but you were, for six years. And yet throughout your marriage, your affairs were common knowledge. I mean, one Gloucestershire peer has described you as "rather a nasty virus that everyone's wife caught sooner or later." RUPERT Well, if you'd seen his wife, it's definitely later. MAUD Christ, he really is an arsehole, isn't he? DAYSEE And that's the break in five, four, three... two and we're out. DECLAN And that's time for a break. Don't go anywhere. Who knows what Mr Campbell-Black might choose to share with us when we return. BRIAN Wind it up, Declan. STEVE Clear! And we're back on in three minutes. WARM-UP PERSON So, was that some juicy stuff, guys? GERALD Rupert, there's somebody here to see you. RUPERT Ooh. RUPERT Taggie, what are you doing here? TAGGIE You need to go. Just walk out. RUPERT Your father's not the first old socialist who's tried to catch me out. Whatever you're worried about, it's already out there. TAGGIE No, I know him. He's saving the worst for later. When he wants something, he's ruthless. He'll do anything. I mean, he's-- GERALD He's just like you, Rupert. TAGGIE Exactly. CAMERON Minister, we need you back on set. The break's almost over. TAGGIE Just walk out the building with me. CAMERON Minister. TAGGIE Please. DAYSEE Five seconds and we're back. TONY Where the fuck is he? DAYSEE Five, four, three... two... BRIAN Declan, you re going to have to ad lib. BRIAN Declan, you're on. DECLAN Welcome back. RUPERT You know what this reminds me of? Um, being back on the circuit, having an opponent knowing that I can make a tiny mistake and it might all be over. It's exhilarating. DECLAN This is an interview. There's no winner. RUPERT That's not true though, is it? RUPERT He wants to beat me. DECLAN I have to say, Mr Campbell-Black, you are quite unlike any of my other guests. TONY He's trying to distract him. CAMERON Now's the time, Declan. RUPERT Oh, really? DECLAN Yeah, most celebrities are-- are scared that I'll find out something exposing about them. CHARLES What's she doing here? GERALD Something is wrong. DECLAN The more awful things you do, the more the public seem to love you. RUPERT Well, who am I to argue with public opinion? DECLAN So you don't deny it? RUPERT What's that? DECLAN That you've done awful things? RUPERT I have. You're right. But isn't that what we do? DECLAN We? RUPERT Men like us. DECLAN I am nothing like you. RUPERT Really? DECLAN You're cold. You have had the best education money can buy, yet you remain a philistine. You barely see your children. You pick up women just because you can, but you're still fundamentally alone. And when they can't fill that emptiness inside you, you discard them. DECLAN Despite your gold medals and your money, you are a lonely man rattling around a huge, empty manor and that's how you'll likely end your days. You behave like a man with no secrets and no shame. DECLAN Well, there is one thing I'd like to discuss with you. RUPERT You're right. I'm a rake. RUPERT A liar. A cheat. RUPERT If there was something I wanted, I pursued it. I didn't care about anybody else. My horses, my teammates, my wife. But we're still alike. DECLAN I very much doubt that. RUPERT You're the best in the world at what you do. DECLAN Flattery will get you nowhere, Mr Campbell-Black. RUPERT I remember what that was like, being the best. And what I was willing to do to stay there. RUPERT What are you... willing to do? RUPERT To your family? To yourself? TONY I'm bored of you tickling each other's balls. Declan, get the fucking cat out of the bag. DECLAN You're right. DECLAN I'm a workaholic. DECLAN And when I'm consumed by something... I can be, um... I can be a-- RUPERT A monster. DECLAN Yeah. RUPERT You're probably a better husband than I was. After all, you're still married. DECLAN I don't know. DECLAN I think I'm a pretty bad husband. DECLAN Do you think you've ever been in love? RUPERT No. That's my fault. My ambition hasn't left room for much else. DECLAN Do you think that will ever change? TONY The fucker isn't gonna do it. CAMERON Well, even if he doesn't destroy Rupert, this could still be a good show. DECLAN Tell me about, um-- Tell me about your childhood. TONY Pull the transmission. CAMERON Let's just see where this goes. TONY If you value your job, pull the fucking transmission! CAMERON No, because this is my show. TONY Cut the transmission. CAMERON No. TONY Give that to me. CAMERON No, no. TONY Give me that! Cameron! Cameron, for fuck's sake CAMERON Tony, no. Trust me. TONY Listen, you arrogant little Irish prick. Either you destroy the fucker or I'm gonna come down there and pull you off the floor myself. CAMERON There's no point, Tony. He's already taken his earpiece out. He can't hear you. CAMERON If it's any consolation, we've made some really great television. TONY This would have worked if you'd just done your fucking job! DECLAN Who do you trust? Who do you count on? RUPERT Dogs. RUPERT I, um-- I much prefer dogs to people. RUPERT I'd give anything to see my old Labrador, Badger, again. RUPERT He was a good dog. DECLAN So which of your many sporting achievements was the hardest won? RUPERT Which was the hardest? DECLAN The King's Cup, the-- the Olympic Gold, the World Championship? RUPERT Well, none of them. RUPERT The hardest thing, the thing that nearly killed me... was giving it all up. DECLAN Yeah? DECLAN Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Rupert Campbell-Black. COAT-CHECK PERSON Coat, sir? Thank you, sir. BAR PATRON Hey, there they are! Get the drinks in. MAUD Congratulations, darling. It was great TV, as always. DECLAN Did you like the show? TAGGIE Yeah. STEVE Sorry, Lord B. I didn't expect to see you there. Thought you'd be down at Bar Sinister by now, celebrating with Declan and Rupert. STEVE Great show tonight, by the way. Best yet. DECLAN I want you to stay away from Taggie. She's young enough to be your daughter. RUPERT Yeah, of course. DECLAN Good. RUPERT Drink? DECLAN No, no, I'm-- I'm taking Maud home. RUPERT What was it that you had on me? DECLAN Nothing. I was just bluffing. FREDDIE This is karaoke, ladies and gentlemen. SEB Go, Freddie! RUPERT See, I told you it was all gonna be okay. TAGGIE Gonna dance? RUPERT Um... I'd love to but... I have to go. Sorry, angel. FREDDIE Come on then. GINGER Let him be. TONY Fuck. MONICA The Falconry. Oh, hello. MONICA Right. Yes, of course. TONY Tell whoever it is to fuck off. MONICA I would, darling... but it's Margaret Thatcher. TONY Prime Minister? TONY She wants to visit the station and do an interview of her own. MONICA How wonderful. A real coup. TONY Mmm. Yeah, it's great news. MONICA Mmm. And all thanks to Rupert, I suppose.