BASIL BRIAN CAITLIN CAMERON CHARLES COMMERCIAL_VOICE CREW_MEMBER DAYSEE DECLAN DEIRDRE FREDDIE GERALD GINGER JAMES JOHNNY JOURNALIST JOYCE LADY_GOSLING LIZZIE MAUD MONICA MRS_MAKEPIECE PAUL PERSON_ON_SET REVEREND RUPERT SARAH SEB SHARON SINGER STEVE TAGGIE TONY TV_PRESENTER VALERIE WAYNE JAMES And on the day fourth-form pupils begin studying for their new "GCSE" exams, we put a group of Cotchester shopkeepers through their paces to see how much they can remember from their O-level maths. JAMES Meanwhile, here at Corinium, we are buzzing with excitement for our new live show, Declan. Declan's first guest will be Hollywood hellraiser, Johnny Friedlander. One of the cinema's brightest stars, in his first interview since being the unfortunate victim of a sex-tape scandal two years ago. JAMES The reclusive star is on his way to Corinium Studios as we speak. JAMES Can Declan O'Hara coax him out of his shell? And what about those James Bond rumours? That's Declan live tonight at eight o'clock with his very first interview here at Corinium right after Coronation Street. JAMES I'll definitely be tuning in. TAGGIE Run. JOURNALIST Tell us about the scandal, Johnny. TONY Mr Friedlander. Welcome to Corinium. JOHNNY Please, call me Johnny. TONY Tony Baddingham. Please come on through. DEIRDRE Your first live audience. You're not going to wear those socks on the programme? DECLAN We get this right, Deirdre, no one will be looking at me feet. CREW MEMBER Good luck, Declan. DECLAN Thanks. PERSON ON SET Hi, Seb. SEB Big night, ladies. BRIAN Hi, Seb. SEB Showtime, everyone! BRIAN Yep. Sure is. BRIAN That's good. Yeah. Yeah, all right. BRIAN So, um, Paddy and Mick are walking to the pub, and they spot a sign saying, "Tree fellers wanted." So, Paddy turns to Mick and he says, "Well, isn't it a shame there's only the two of us"? DECLAN You know, I can hear you, Brian. You don't tell jokes about Jews or Blacks anymore, so why you picking on the Irish? BRIAN Okay, mate. Uh, can we get some level? DECLAN Cut the fucking Paddy jokes or I'll knock you from here to the Irish Sea. Is that level enough for ya? BRIAN Yeah. Loud and clear. Sorry, Declan. DECLAN Cameron, are you there? What-What-What am I supposed to do with the, uh, cards? CAMERON We talked about this. Declan O'Hara doesn't hide behind a desk. If you'd let me see the questions, I could have fed them to you. DECLAN Hmm. DECLAN Just trust me, will you? CAMERON Where's Johnny? DECLAN Houston, do we have a problem? TONY Declan's a journalist of international stature. So, the fact that he left the BBC for us, it's quite a compliment. FREDDIE It's all very impressive, Lord B. Uh, of course, it's the wife who's the TV viewer around our house. VALERIE Well, it's documentaries mostly, but I do find Dallas a guilty pleasure. CHARLES Ah. CHARLES Well, who doesn't love Dallas? CHARLES Hi. GERALD Hi. Thanks for sneaking me in. TONY I think some of our new programmes can give JR a run for his money. Have you seen Four Men Went To Mow? GINGER Mother Goose is here. TONY Excuse me a moment. TONY Lady Gosling, so good of you to come. LADY GOSLING Do you know the Reverend Penny? My deputy on the Franchise Renewal Committee. TONY Of course, welcome. REVEREND Well, looking forward to some scrupulous broadcast journalism tonight. I was just remarking, what with there being a set in every living room these days, television companies must recognise that they are the custodians of the nation's morality. DAYSEE I'm working. CAMERON Showtime, Mr Friedlander. TV PRESENTER That's Four Men Went To Mow, Wednesday night, nine o'clock. LIZZIE Oh, lovely. MAUD Yeah, I guess that's why they make them. LIZZIE That's a very nice wine. TAGGIE How long have we got? MAUD I'll get it. RUPERT I think we just found our fox. CAITLIN Tag. Tag, it's-- It's him. Oh, my God. RUPERT Not in the business of daring-- LIZZIE Hello, Rupert. RUPERT Lizzie, darling... hello. We were just passing. LIZZIE Successful day? BASIL Well, little fucker gave us the slip. "Huntus" interruptus. CAITLIN Sorry. CAITLIN Hello, my name's Caitlin. How are you? CAMERON Sit, bunny girl. SEB You look like you've found the Holy Grail. CAMERON All right, it is okay, Declan. The eagle has landed. STEVE Can we have some level, please? DECLAN What did you have for breakfast, Johnny? JOHNNY You wanna get me arrested? DEIRDRE Declan looks nervous. JAMES He cut me dead earlier. It's awfully uncool to get so uptight. CAMERON Shut the fuck up or get the fuck out. DAYSEE Run music. DAYSEE Five... four... three... two... one, and in. LIZZIE Why aren't you in the audience, Maud? CAITLIN Daddy gets too nervous if Mummy's there. MAUD Isn't it daft? TAGGIE Because he cares what you think more than anyone in the world. LIZZIE Oh. MAUD It means I miss a lot of parties. DECLAN Good evening. I'm Declan O'Hara. My guest tonight is one of the world's most recognisable stars. He's the star of box office smashes such as Last Man on Mars, Highway , and Dog Tag three Voyage to Vietnam to name just a few. MAUD Room for a small one? DECLAN He's been nominated for numerous awards, but in recent years, it's his turbulent personal life, and of course finding himself the victim of a cruel honeytrap, which has attracted almost as much attention as his films. DECLAN Johnny Friedlander, welcome to the show. BASIL What's it like seeing your ex-partner in crime, Rup? CAITLIN You know Johnny Friedlander? BASIL Well, shared a few lovers back in the day. RUPERT Yep. Not silly enough to let any of them film me having sex though. JOHNNY Thank you. What a crowd. DECLAN Mm-hmm. People are excited to see you. JOHNNY Well, I gotta say that's nice. It's been a while since I've done one of these. CAMERON Let's go tight on Johnny. DECLAN So why do this interview now? SEB Yeah. CAMERON Okay? JOHNNY Well, uh, I feel it's time to move on. SEB Yeah. Of course. DECLAN That's what we're here for. Now, Johnny, your last film was mired in controversy. There were stories that you were late to set. You picked fights with the director. You passed out at the wheel while driving under the influence. BRIAN Moving in. BRIAN And camera two. JOHNNY See, nobody prepares you for fame. You don't know how you're gonna react to being given the keys to the candy store. It turns out that I react by overdosing on candy. BRIAN Moving in. TONY Going well, don't you think? DECLAN situation. JAMES Absolutely. Not sure about the socks. JOHNNY comes out alive. That's Hollywood. DECLAN Really? JOHNNY to be in a comedy. TONY Jesus Christ. Who signed off on those? DECLAN And what was it like when you drove off that bridge? JOHNNY Well, uh, I woke up the second I hit the water. But, man, it was, uh, scary. Thank God I was in a convertible, or I'd be at the bottom of the river now. JOHNNY But yeah, I had to get sober. days later, the world looks more beautiful than ever. DECLAN Now, shall we talk about the sex tape? JOHNNY Why not? Elephant's in the room already, crapping in the corner. DECLAN Is the girl okay? Miss, uh-- Miss Cortes. JOHNNY Hell, I don't know. DECLAN You don't see her? JOHNNY Uh, not on my Christmas card list, no. DECLAN But she is, uh, she's an actress, right? JOHNNY I don't know. Uh, we met in a bar. Hope she got a lot of money out of the whole thing. DECLAN Is $, a lot of money? DECLAN According to Miss Cortes, that's how much you paid her to have sex with you and then take the tape to the National Enquirer. JOHNNY What? CAMERON Oh, fuck. DECLAN You said you were the victim, but in fact, you paid her to video herself having sex with you as if it had been filmed undercover so that when she took the tape to the press, you could pretend that you'd been set up. DECLAN Simultaneously getting sympathy as the victim of a honeytrap while reaping a ton of publicity that made you look like a virile sex God. JOHNNY Yeah, she got publicity too, trust me. DECLAN You sat back and let the press vilify her to the extent that all her acting work dried up. DECLAN You could have stepped in and told the truth, but you didn't. DECLAN The world would have believed you, but your silence demolished her. Your stock shot up overnight while Pia Cortes lost her apartment. $, for a woman's reputation. Is that a fair price? JOHNNY What reputation? She was a porn actress. I paid her to make a porno! CAMERON Fuck. We've lost him. He's gonna walk out. JOHNNY Oh, man. I'm an ass. DECLAN Why did you do it? CAMERON Tell two to hold on Johnny. BRIAN Stay on Johnny. Now move in. CAMERON Slowly, slowly. BRIAN Slowly. TONY You wouldn't get this on the BBC. CAMERON Get me the sweat beading on his brow. This is the one. JOHNNY I'd had four flops in a row, and I was scared. JOHNNY That's the worst thing about Hollywood is when you're out, all you can think about is how to get back in. JOHNNY What a mess. JOHNNY Worst part is... I really liked that girl. JOHNNY I thought she had something. DECLAN What would you say to her... if she was here? JOHNNY Nah, she's in LA, man. DECLAN Uh... She might see it. You never know. JOHNNY Okay. Um, sure. JOHNNY Pia, if you're watching, I'm sorry. I'm an ass. Let me buy you a drink or a car. Whatever you want. JOHNNY I'm sorry. JOHNNY Man, I've been sitting on that secret too long. DECLAN Feel good to get it off your chest? JOHNNY God, the water here tastes good. JOHNNY Can I get another? DECLAN Join us again after the break when I'll be asking Johnny about James Bond. DECLAN Don't go away. CREW MEMBER And we're clear. Okay, stand by, everyone. Three minutes. COMMERCIAL VOICE One chunk LIZZIE Well, that was more stressful than I expected. TAGGIE Daddy always goes in for the kill. COMMERCIAL VOICE Leads to another RUPERT He really is a master at this, your Declan. BASIL I mean, is that erotic? Doing a video? MAUD Oh, I think it is if you've made it for each other, or you watch it when they're away. COMMERCIAL VOICE One chunk COMMERCIAL VOICE Leads to another BASIL Mm-hmm. MAUD Or watch together as a warm-up. COMMERCIAL VOICE Just a glass and a half In every half-pound One chunk COMMERCIAL VOICE One chunk leads to another chunk One chunk leads to another RUPERT Yeah, it can be pretty hot. MAUD With the right co-star. LIZZIE Can't imagine James wanting to make a sex video with me. The camera puts pounds on you, and he already thinks I'm fat. BASIL Well, he's mad. You're exquisite. LIZZIE Yeah. Oh. TAGGIE Sandwich, anyone? RUPERT Yeah, I'm starving. BASIL Oh, my God, you made these, Taggie? They're ambrosial. Please. Please tell me you'll come and work for me. TAGGIE Uh... MAUD Uh, Caitlin, go and fetch another one of these for me, please. TAGGIE No, I, uh-- I tried working in a restaurant. It was just, uh-- It was too hectic. LIZZIE Well, you-you could do people's dinner parties and things. Uh, a private chef. I bet you'd get bookings. I could put the word around if you like. MAUD Caitlin. CAITLIN Oh! Daddy's back. RUPERT Mmm. CHARLES Here it is. Your closet, sir. GERALD Put something against the-- CHARLES Do you think Johnny Friedlander barricades the door? JOHNNY And the guy had the most stupid walk... JOHNNY Right tell you what Cubby Broccoli said when my people called up and suggested me? He said he'd sooner have James Bond played by a woman. DECLAN Ladies and gentlemen, Johnny Friedlander. SINGER Declan DECLAN Oh, really? TONY Bloody marvellous. Good job. TONY Johnny, introduce you to few of our company. This is Ginger Baines. JOHNNY Hey, how are you? DECLAN Bastard spiked Johnny's dressing room. Gave him a bottle of vodka. CAMERON Oh, no, I did that. DECLAN What? DECLAN Why didn't you tell me? CAMERON We needed your first show to be jaw-dropping television. No way was I leaving it to chance. And you didn't tell me you were gonna skewer the guy live on air. You don't think it fucks your producer up not to know that? DECLAN Oh, fuck. But we didn't need to push him off the wagon. I didn't need help. CAMERON Yeah, you didn't need a desk either, did you? TONY This is Ester McCloud. JOHNNY Hi. Hi, hi, hi. TONY This is Lady Gosling. JOHNNY Hi, how you doing? LADY GOSLING Hello. TONY Freddie Jones. JOHNNY Hey. FREDDIE Good to meet ya. TONY His lovely wife. VALERIE Hello. JOHNNY Hi, how are you doing? TONY James Vereker. JAMES Hi, how are you? JOHNNY Hi, how are you doing? TONY This is the back room boys. This is Seb. JOHNNY Hi, how are you doing? TONY Daysee. JOHNNY Hi, how you doing? TONY This is Deirdre. JOHNNY Hi, how you doing? DEIRDRE At least he didn't film you. SEB He's a mug. You look like a Charlie's Angel. DAYSEE Thanks, Seb. That's nice. LADY GOSLING He's very good, isn't he? REVEREND What, the new jewel in Corinium's crown, hmm? LADY GOSLING Extraordinary socks. TONY Oh, yeah. He has so much character. He's a breath of fresh air. LADY GOSLING It's such a shame that you couldn't get Campbell-Black onto the board. TONY Well... LADY GOSLING Is Freddie Jones in the bag? TONY Oh, very much so. Very much so. And much more use to us. His expertise in technology, business, the real world. FREDDIE But I've got to say, Declan's got some brass. I thought Johnny was gonna lamp him one. How do you keep it together, all that going on? CAMERON Can I tell you a secret? That was my first time taking a show out live. FREDDIE Did you like it? CAMERON Oh, my God. The adrenaline? Yes, I loved it. But please don't ask me any specifics. It's a blur. TONY You've met Cameron then? FREDDIE You need people that can deliver under pressure, didn't you? Diamonds. TONY Couldn't agree more. That's why we're courting you for the board. TONY You're getting the fuck of a lifetime tonight. TONY Yeah. CAITLIN Isn't that crazy? And then the man started turning up at the house. BASIL Oh, no. CAITLIN And he was so in love with Mummy. But then Daddy found out about it and that wasn't funny at all. TAGGIE Caitlin. CAITLIN Anyway, that's the real reason why we moved out of London. Daddy's new job came just at the right time. RUPERT Mrs Thatcher tells me if I want to succeed in politics, I have to keep my nose clean. LIZZIE No more cunnilingus then. LIZZIE Maud's got a thumping crush on you. Declan looks strong. I'd watch yourself. RUPERT Darling, you know I love you to bits. But never tell me what to do. MAUD You must be exhausted. DECLAN How did I do? MAUD Mmm, you were wonderful. DECLAN Christ, you're wet. MAUD I've been thinking about you coming home all evening. LIZZIE Oh, what is it? Everything all right? JAMES Shitting awful evening actually. LIZZIE Oh, I'm sorry. You should have come with me to watch the new Declan show. LIZZIE It was... brilliant. JAMES You might be a little more supportive, Lizzie. CAITLIN I mean, it's only my first day at boarding school. It's not like it's momentous or anything, is it? TAGGIE I'm sorry I can't drive you there. You know Daddy needs the car this morning. CAITLIN I didn't mean you. CAITLIN Bye-bye, gorgeous, ugly dog. CAITLIN Is Mummy going to start one of her things with Rupert? TAGGIE I'm not gonna keep her secrets again if she does. TAGGIE Oh, Mummy and Daddy are gonna be okay. I'll keep an eye on them. I promise. TAGGIE Oh, I'm gonna miss you. Now go. CAITLIN I'm going. TAGGIE Just you and me now, pups. DECLAN Good evening. I'm Declan O'Hara. DECLAN Be good if show us a few moves. DECLAN Take it away. DECLAN That's all we've got time for tonight. DECLAN Paul Roberts, ladies and gentlemen. DECLAN He's got me. Get off me. Get off me. DECLAN Get the fuck off me! DECLAN Wonderful. TAGGIE Oh, my God. DECLAN Oof. Look at all this. MAUD If it's a neighbourhood dinner party, why didn't Valerie Jones invite your da and me? TAGGIE I don't know, Mummy. DECLAN She did. I said we couldn't do it. DECLAN What? I have work to do. MAUD I never get to go anywhere. I mean, how can we meet anyone if you're gonna turn down everything just to prepare your stupid programme? DECLAN My stupid programme is all that's paying the bills on this rotting pile of bricks. And all you do is spend money. I mean, why the fuck do we own a harp? MAUD Oh, you wanna take my music away from me? It's all that I have left. DECLAN I have to go to work. MAUD No, no. I'm still talking to you. DECLAN We can talk about it later. DECLAN Good luck, Tag. TAGGIE Bye. MAUD You know, it's a good job that you bought a priory 'cause I might as well be a nun. MAUD You know, he's still punishing me. I mean, when is it gonna stop? CHARLES My congratulations, both of you. Ten million viewers. CAMERON I want mil this week. CHARLES I can't believe you got that story out of Mick Jagger. DECLAN People like telling me things. Psychiatrist to the stars. TONY So who's next on the couch? CAMERON Diana. DECLAN Doesn't do TV. CAMERON Arnold Schwarzenegger? DECLAN Jesus, he can't even speak. TONY Joanna Lumley. CAMERON Rupert Campbell-Black. DECLAN No way. CAMERON Celebrity, ex-Olympian, a heart-throb, so I'm told, and now Minister for Sport. Surely that's an extraordinary trajectory. DECLAN There's no hinterland. If I'm to interview someone whose politics I despise, I want a worthy opponent. CAMERON Could you stop swinging your dick for a moment? DECLAN If you stop swinging your vagina. TONY Okay, okay, okay, okay. Declan's right. Campbell-Black's an arrogant brat. Everything people hate about the upper classes. CAMERON Why do you hate him so much? TONY Because he always gets everything he wants. TONY Joyce, Rupert Campbell-Black? JOYCE I wasn't surprised when the wife left. He'll never settle, will he? CAMERON Doesn't that make him an interesting interview? CHARLES He's the only man in England who can come out of a sex scandal with a promotion. Minister for Sport, for God's sake. The man plays tennis naked. TONY He's an irredeemable shit. We needn't pour fertiliser on his already overgrown ego. Who do you want, Declan? DECLAN Thatcher. CHARLES Margaret Thatcher? DECLAN No, Charles. Fucking Denis Thatcher. L-Look, she'll never say yes anyway. She thinks I'm an IRA pinko. TONY Well, let's see, shall we? I've donated eye-watering sums to the Tory party. It's not the public who decides which way the election goes, is it? TONY All right, stop staring at me. Fuck off. TONY We've all got work to do. TONY Declan? DECLAN Yeah. TONY Don't go. Have a proper drink. CHARLES After you. TONY You've got viewing figures most people would sell their granny for. So, I'm just wondering why you're still unhappy here? TONY Is it Cameron? DECLAN No, no. I mean, she's hard work, but you're right. She knows what she's doing. I-I-- I just have a lot on my mind. Money stuff. DECLAN I have an unpaid tax bill following me around. Eighty grand. DECLAN London wasn't cheap. Not with a wife who throws a party every time someone blows their nose. TONY All right, well... why don't I settle with the Inland Revenue for you? You can pay me back when you can. Nobody need know about it. Just the two of us and my accountant. DECLAN That's very decent of you. TONY Self-interest, really. You're no good to me preoccupied. TONY Now, another? DECLAN Cheers. VALERIE Are you always this height? I can usually size people by looking. TAGGIE Well, I didn't think you'd want me to serve things. VALERIE Well, I can't exactly do it myself, can I? And you know to go around the dinner table clockwise, don't you? VALERIE Don't pick, Sharon. VALERIE And I need you to write the menu out. One for each end of the table in French, if you don't mind. FREDDIE Hello, Taggie. Nice get-up. Grub smells good. VALERIE I'm still cross with you, Fred Fred. I mean, what were you thinking inviting a single man? I mean, what kind of a dinner party ever had nine guests? FREDDIE Ten guests now because I've just invited a single woman to balance the books. VALERIE Fred Fred, how could you? Now I'm gonna have to change the whole placement. FREDDIE Terrific. FREDDIE Eat that. SHARON I could help you with the menus. I'm doing French for GCSE. VALERIE They're gonna be here soon, Mrs Makepiece. MRS MAKEPIECE Yes, Mrs Jones. TAGGIE Sorry. Did you decide if you want the cheese first or the pavlova? VALERIE Fred Fred? Cheese or dessert? FREDDIE Don't posh people say "pudding"? VALERIE Pudding? But dessert is French. VALERIE Agatha, which is it? TAGGIE I don't know. MRS MAKEPIECE Pudding. They learn that at boarding school. FREDDIE Chin up, Mousy. We've worked so hard. We can enjoy it, now. I mean, who'd have thought it? You and me, entertaining a lord and a lady, eh? VALERIE Right. TONY Just a nice cosy dinner. Freddie's bum on a board seat at the end of it. I've rather implied to Lady Gosling he's already said yes, so we need to reel him in tonight, or we might as well kiss goodbye to the franchise. MONICA No, absolutely. Operation "Charm Offensive." TONY Well, offensive is right. We'll be forced to admire the soft furnishings. Fitted carpets everywhere. MONICA Well, don't let Valerie Jones get to you, darling. You know who she reminds you of? TONY Who? MONICA Your mother. PAUL Come on. We got five minutes. SARAH Yeah, well five minutes is how long it takes to do this bloody dress up. PAUL No, all right. PAUL Um, you know I need you to, uh, behave yourself this evening, don't you? Uh, I want Tony to invite me onto the board of Corinium, and we need to look proper. Respectable. SARAH Darling, is this about Rupert? SARAH It was just a silly flirtation. Come on, you know I love you most of all. Besides, I thought you wanted a young wife that everyone admires. PAUL I do, darling. Just prefer they admired you from further away. PAUL So it was a considerable renovation? VALERIE Yes. It was terribly poky. Three bedrooms and only the one bathroom, so we had to extend, but once we'd rendered over the old stonework, you can't tell the join between the old and new. PAUL Hmm. PAUL I thought this was a listed building. VALERIE Oh, it is, yeah. Fred Fred has friends in high places. I mean, one needs a good-sized lounge for entertaining. TONY Lounge? MONICA Behave. We're being charming. TONY Uh-huh. RUPERT I think I've had this dream. TAGGIE Valerie made me. It's just so short. RUPERT "Brevity is the soul of wit." And I could almost see your brevities. PAUL The fact is this is a listed building. There are rules. RUPERT Darling, you look ravishing. LIZZIE Oh, James hates this, but it's the only clean one I've got. LIZZIE Um... RUPERT Hello, Valerie. RUPERT Evening, Stratton. Listen, I think you were given the wrong impression about the tennis game with your wife. All quite innocent, sort of thing that wouldn't bat an eyelid on the Continent. Good, clean open-air, fun. Shake hands and play nicely, shall we? VALERIE Freddie! Sound system! FREDDIE Sorry, love. Wrong room. MONICA Freddie's equipment is staggering. SARAH Mmm. LIZZIE Mmm. I, uh-- I gather you spent this afternoon on the couch with my husband? SARAH Yes. Do you mind? LIZZIE No. Good for you. I hope you told him he was marvellous afterwards. RUPERT Thanks, Fred. FREDDIE Nature abhors a vacuum. LIZZIE Yes, so does my cleaner. FREDDIE That's very good. That's very good. TONY Freddie. Can you show me this sound system? FREDDIE I'll be back in a tick. RUPERT You're a hit with the host. I bet you're next to him at dinner. RUPERT Right. I'm off to see what decorative hell Valerie's unleashed on the downstairs loo. LIZZIE Cloakroom, darling. Cloakroom. VALERIE That's interesting. Agatha's the help. We borrowed her for the event. Overtime. TONY There's no need to see cable satellite as a threat. Let's embrace the possibilities, but your expertise will be invaluable. TONY Of course, you're busy. Well, I think you like feeling useful. We'd have fun. RUPERT Not trying to seduce you onto his board is he? TONY We're a viable growing company with excellent prospects. The financial rewards are considerable. RUPERT Must we bring money into it? TONY Freddie's a businessman. It's what we do. FREDDIE You ever said "no" to this man? RUPERT Frequently. Did you enjoy the polo? FREDDIE You're a very bad influence. I had a headache for three days. VALERIE Freddie. Uh, Mr Vereker and Mrs Stratton are on the television. TONY Oh, yes. You'll want to see this. FREDDIE Yeah. Okay. JAMES Sarah, welcome. SARAH Hi, James. JAMES Absolute pleasure to have you on the sofa. VALERIE Oh, look, there you are, Sarah. Where's Sarah? SARAH Thank you. JAMES Now, Sarah, you have been married to Paul Stratton, MP for Cotchester for a few months now. How do you see your role as the wife of an MP? SARAH Hmm. SARAH To support my husband in every possible way. JAMES And how do you get on with Paul's family? I mean, his children must be nearly as old as you are. TONY Oh, very good, James. Gripping stuff. SARAH I put no pressure on Paul to leave his first wife. But because he eventually made that decision, you know, I'm branded a scarlet woman, so I've had to try even harder to prove myself a good-- JAMES Mmm. CAMERON Cute. JAMES And what advice would you give to a young woman now who was engaged to be married to a busy, powerful, even famous man? SARAH The one thing I would say is do not let yourself go after you're married. I mean, we all know what happens then, don't we? Well, you know. Always make an effort. FREDDIE Hello, Cameron. Let me get you a drink. They're all glued to the local news, I'm afraid. JAMES Quite. JAMES Wise words. And you clearly haven't let yourself go. CAMERON Oh, thank you. SARAH Oh, James. What are you, ? JAMES Stop it. JAMES Oh, please. And the rest? Mrs Stratton, touch . Touch . TONY She's a natural, isn't she? PAUL Well, it's just wonderful to see her opening up. JAMES Um, now, I understand that Paul's left... VALERIE Don't ask for seconds, all right? Does it smell fishy? PAUL New cologne? SARAH I wear it all the time. PAUL I like it. LIZZIE I thought it was brilliant. JAMES You sure the lighting wasn't a bit hard? LIZZIE It was brilliant. TONY What the hell are you doing here? CAMERON Freddie called after you left. I couldn't say no to him, could I? TONY Well, don't do anything outrageous. Stay out of my way. PAUL Well, I clearly drew the long straw. MONICA Ah. Good. Thank you. MONICA Ah, Cavendish. We've never really had a proper chat, have we? CAMERON No, we haven't, Lady Baddingham. MONICA Oh, Monica, please. We're all friends here. RUPERT Rupert Campbell-Black. RUPERT I presume, since we're the only people here without partners, that we're being set up with each other, and just so you know, I am perfectly comfortable with that. Do you have a boyfriend? CAMERON Kind of. RUPERT Kind of. RUPERT Best kind. VALERIE Sorry. I think, uh, someone's been playing with the, um... RUPERT Everything all right, Valerie? VALERIE Yes. Yep. Yep, yep. Quite, quite, all right. MONICA Do you work with Cavendish, James? Hmm? JAMES Her name's Cameron. MONICA No, I promise it's not. MONICA No, Cavendish. See? MONICA James thought you were called Cameron. CAMERON Yeah, it's Cameron. JAMES Yeah. MONICA But-- Yes, but you always answer to Cavendish, so, why didn't you say anything? CAMERON Well, you're my boss's wife. MONICA Silly girl. There's no need f-- Hon-Honestly, what peculiar behaviour. RUPERT "Salmon mousse." LIZZIE Do you like salmon mousse? RUPERT So, what have we got? "Gingered French peasant, cravat sauce." LIZZIE "Desert chateau." LIZZIE Do you think it's garnished with actual sand? RUPERT Garnished with leftover peasants maybe? VALERIE Not frequently, no. VALERIE Uh, clockwise, Agatha please. Thank you. TAGGIE Sorry. VALERIE I did tell her. FREDDIE Ah, Taggie. FREDDIE Looks amazing. I do love a bit of pheasant. JAMES It looks delicious. Thank you, darling. RUPERT And how'd you get on with Declan? CAMERON Well, I'm his producer, which gives him licence to be obnoxious. God knows how his wife puts up with him. RUPERT Well, you could ask Taggie here. She's his daughter. CAMERON Oh, God, I'm-I'm sorry. CAMERON It's all sport with you, isn't it? RUPERT Blood sport mostly. The chase. CAMERON Oh, but if you caught something, I don't think you'd know what to do with it. RUPERT Mmm. RUPERT She's quite the ball-breaker, your new producer. Where'd you find her? TONY Hunted her down in New York. CAMERON Ah, blood sports again. You guys go to school together or something? RUPERT No, no, no, no. CAMERON And that's funny why? TONY Because as it happens, no, we didn't. Rupert went to Harrow. I went to grammar school. TONY And you'll never let anyone forget it, will you? RUPERT I wasn't gonna say anything of the sort. It's you that won't let anyone forget it, Baddingham. RUPERT Tony was quite different as a boy. Billy Bunter, weren't you? TONY Oh. CAMERON Okay, what's grammar school, and how is it different from where you went? MONICA Well, it's increasingly hard to say. Rupert's school cost a lot more, but they didn't spend any of it teaching him manners. JAMES Very good, Lady Baddingham. MONICA Thank you. VALERIE I can't imagine you fat, Tony. TONY It's where I got my drive to succeed. VALERIE Mmm. I wish Fred Fred had a drive like that. We can't budge the scales at all. RUPERT Be careful what you wish for, Valerie. Might drive him to some dangerous places. JAMES Um, been meaning to say, Tony. Uh, we found a presenter for our "caring for the elderly" segment. She's a Jamaican lady living in Cotchester. A -year-old widow with an adult daughter, which makes her a Black single mother. Box ticked. CAMERON I was brought up by a Black single mother. Can't wait to tune in. SHARON She's so exotic, isn't she? Where's she from? TAGGIE America, I think. SHARON Wayne likes Black girls, don't you, Wayne? WAYNE What? Shut up. SHARON You've got a picture of Grace Jones with no clothes on. I saw it in your pants drawer. LIZZIE It is going so well. The pheasant was divine. Everyone's saying so. I knew you'd be wonderful at this. LIZZIE I'm sorry she put you in that thing. TAGGIE It was me who wrote the menus out. That's why the spelling's so bad. LIZZIE Oh, God. Your dyslexia. LIZZIE I'm so sorry. We thought we were taking the mickey out of... someone else. LIZZIE W-Well, you cook like a dream, even if you can't spell for shit. RUPERT Bravo. VALERIE Pavlova. PAUL Bravo! MONICA Magnificent. LIZZIE What's your favourite thing about your job? FREDDIE Well, what a lovely question. FREDDIE Space. Up there. Most British satellites use my computers now. And sometimes I look up at the night sky, and I see a little star winking back at me, and I think, "I made that happen". And it blows my mind. RUPERT Chateau gateau. CAMERON Mmm. RUPERT This looks divine. Well done, angel. TAGGIE Oh, God! TAGGIE God! TONY Oh, dear. Oh. CAMERON You stupid bitch. What the fuck are you doing? TAGGIE I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. RUPERT Oops. VALERIE Fetch a cloth, Agatha. CAMERON Don't fetch a cloth. It's Armani. TAGGIE I'll pay for it. CAMERON You couldn't begin to. TAGGIE S-- RUPERT Needn't be a bitch about it. FREDDIE Cameron, let's-let's go and get you tidied up. Come on. Come with me. SARAH Rupert, how could you? LIZZIE God, that is exactly the kind of crass, lecherous-- RUPERT I thought she'd like it. God knows her mother would have. LIZZIE Women aren't just a buffet, laid out for you to snack on. RUPERT Perhaps she's not as innocent as you think she is. And that's a very cheeky little dress. LIZZIE Valerie made her wear it to do the job. Not that you'd understand. RUPERT With looks like hers, I would not thought a career was that important. LIZZIE Honestly, Rupert, this was badly done. RUPERT Taggie, I thought-- TAGGIE Get away from me. RUPERT I thought you wanted me to. TAGGIE Why on earth would you think that? RUPERT Well, you like to watch. Thought you might be grown up enough to play too. TAGGIE You're disgusting, and I want nothing to do with you. RUPERT Taggie-- Hang on. TAGGIE Fucking idiot. What a stupid man. FREDDIE Rather dramatic end to the evening. All these sobbing women. TONY Valerie all right? FREDDIE She's chuffed to bits that you came to dinner. So, thank you. FREDDIE So... this board thing. My Val, she... she's keen for me again to something more cultural. FREDDIE So, why don't you send me over the business plan? I'll look over it. I'll give you a call on Monday. CAMERON Last night was humiliating. I don't know if I can do this anymore. CAMERON You and me. TONY What? Why? DECLAN You were at Valerie Jones's dinner party? CAMERON Yeah. DECLAN I gather you got pudding tipped all over you by my daughter. I'll pay for the cleaning bill. TONY Wouldn't Rupert do that? TONY It was him that made Taggie drop the pudding when he groped her. DECLAN He what? TONY Oh, you didn't know? Ah. It was more than a pinch on the bottom, wasn't it? CAMERON Mm-hmm, I didn't see it at the time, but grope sounds right. DECLAN I'm sorry. He-- He fucking what? TONY Yeah, he's a promiscuous libertine, isn't he? Fondles whoever he likes. TONY Whoa, no, no. Hold on. Declan. Wait. Wait. CAMERON Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa. Wait. DECLAN That bastard! Jesus, when I catch him, I'll f-- CAMERON Interview him to death? TONY You know, that's an idea. TONY Think about it. You go over there and thump him, who gets to see it? One housekeeper and a gardener at best. TONY Have him on the show. You can flay him in front of million people. CAMERON Oh, but you already said you didn't want him, right? No hinterland. TONY I didn't want him either. I didn't want to give him the exposure, but exposing him? Come on, that's a whole different show, isn't it? That's where you destroy him, and it lasts a fuck of a lot longer than a black eye. TONY Revenge is a dish best served on television.