ACTOR_1 ALISTAIR ARCHIE BASIL BEATTIE CAITLIN CAMERON CAPTAIN CHARLES DAYSEE DECLAN DEIRDRE ELLIE FARAH FREDDIE GERALD GINGER GUESTS GUEST_1 JAMES JOYCE LADY_GOSLING LIZZIE MAUD MONICA PASSENGER_1 PAUL PERFORMER_1 PERFORMER_2 PHOTOGRAPHER RADIO_NEWS_REPORTER REPORTER_1 REPORTER_2 RUPERT SARAH SEB SEBASTIAN SET_DECORATOR_2 SHELLEY STEVE TAGGIE TONY VALERIE WALLA RUPERT BEATTIE CAPTAIN This is your captain speaking, keep your eyes on the board. We're about to go supersonic. WALLA Ninety-seven, 98... RUPERT / BEATTIE RUPERT BEATTIE RUPERT Did we break the sound barrier? FARAH Sorry, Mr Campbell-Black. I didn't know it was you in there. PASSENGER 1 RUPERT TONY Enjoying your flight, Rupert? RUPERT Tony Baddingham. Do you know Beattie Johnson from the Scorpion? TONY Oh, no, but I hear great things. TONY Did the prime minister give you permission to fuck a journalist in the onboard toilet? RUPERT Loo, Tony. Don't be plebeian. Beattie's ghosting my memoirs and I always believe in laying one's ghost. BEATTIE TONY TONY Oh, Beattie, what's your angle? Champion showjumper put out to pasture? Now a powerless backbench politician, casting around for his next hobby? Never quite achieving the success he once had. RUPERT What were you doing in New York? Whoring yourself around advertisers? RUPERT You know, if you don't start spending some of that fortune you're coining on making decent television, you're gonna lose your business. TONY Very much in hand. Just recruited a hot shit young producer. BEATTIE Who? TONY Hmm. Cameron Cook. RUPERT Never heard of him. BEATTIE TONY You will. Desperate to work for Corinium. Bit my hand off in fact. RUPERT Hope it didn't bleed on your nice suit. BEATTIE RUPERT Wake me when we hit Mach 2. PAUL Drug use, pornography, easier divorce, rampant homosexuality. DECLAN Recent studies have shown that HIV isn't exclusively a homosexual disease, Deputy Prime Minister. PAUL Oh, but loveless rutting. The promiscuous encounters that characterise a Saturday night in Soho. Those are the preconditions for this virus which threatens-- DECLAN The precondition, Deputy Prime Minister, is the Victorian conservatism of the Tory government, which is narrow-minded, hypocritical and, quite frankly, cruel. We're in the proc-- PAUL WALLA ALISTAIR Okay. And cut there. Thank you. Ready to go again. DECLAN He can say gay sex is loveless rutting, but I can't make a small comment about the government? ALISTAIR BBC editorial policy, Declan. ALISTAIR Sorry, Deputy Prime Minister. ALISTAIR We're going again. DECLAN Yeah. ALISTAIR Cue Declan. DECLAN Mr Stratton, yourself and Mrs Stratton have been married, what, 15 years? PAUL Fifteen in April. Yeah. DECLAN Three children, a wife, a mistress and an all-consuming job. It must be difficult to juggle everything. PAUL What? DECLAN Uh, though your wife, Winifred, has been staying at her family's Pimlico apartment, which must have made it easier for you to spend time with your, uh, 29-year-old secretary, Miss Sarah Price, who proudly told our researchers that you have the girth and stamina to compete with any championship racehorse. DECLAN Is that a fair comment to make, sir? PAUL I, uh-- Well-- The-- ALISTAIR Cut. Cut. DECLAN I would look to your own glass house, Deputy Prime Minister, before you start throwing rocks at others'. ALISTAIR Look, Declan, if we could just do another take without the slander. DECLAN Fuck off, Alistair. Fucking prick. DECLAN ...fucking... ...bullshit. Fucking... DECLAN Fuck. DECLAN WALLA DECLAN TONY Don't know whose bloomers are in more of a twist tonight, Auntie's or the prime minister's. DECLAN TONY We both know the BBC won't show tonight's episode. DECLAN DECLAN I've said it before, Lord Baddingham. I'm happy here. And I'm not interested in commercial television. TONY Oh. TONY Director general calling to say you've been a naughty boy? TONY I'm offering you freedom. TONY I saw your interview with Reagan. I bet they hacked out some corkers. TONY We'd put you out live. DECLAN Live? TONY Complete editorial control. TONY Skewer the bastards on air. It's halfway around the world before anyone's got a chance to complain. TONY The satellite's coming. We're going global. TONY It's exciting. TONY You're stuck here with a load of librarians when you could be an astronaut. DECLAN I'd have to persuade Maud. TONY Massive house in the country? She'd love it. What's a Wicklow man like you doing in Fulham, dodging litter and dog shit? Come to the Cotswolds. TONY Even I have to wince sometimes at how fucking pretty the place is. TONY Little signing bonus. DECLAN Ugh. TONY Declan, come on. You're being paid peanuts to give bloodless interviews with one hand tied behind your back. TONY It's the golden age of television. TONY You're missing the game. TONY MONICA Oh, God. MONICA Oh. Daddy's home. TONY'S CHILD 1 Hi, Daddy. TONY MONICA Hello, darling. How was your day? TONY Extremely successful. Sorry I landed on your game. MONICA Yes, we do have other lawns. TONY MONICA CAITLIN CAITLIN DECLAN Here we are, girls. The Priory. TAGGIE Caitlin, we're here. CAITLIN What? TAGGIE We're here. We're here. Look. We're here. CAITLIN Oh, my God. CAITLIN TAGGIE TAGGIE Exciting things are gonna happen to us in a place like this. CAITLIN Amazing. CAITLIN Race you to the top. CAITLIN Bagsy best rooms. TAGGIE Absolutely not. MAUD Prettiest prison I ever saw. CAITLIN Jehovah's Witness. Oh, fuck. She's seen us. TAGGIE Oh, shit. CAITLIN Oh, you'll have to go down. TAGGIE What? Why me? CAITLIN I'm a lookout. TAGGIE What? CAITLIN For him. TAGGIE God. RADIO NEWS REPORTER Soviet officials have announced that 79 bodies have been recovered and nearly 320 people are missing after a Soviet cruise ship sank in the Black Sea on Sunday. DECLAN Door! DECLAN Door! LIZZIE Hello. I just wanted to welcome you to-- Oh. TAGGIE Down, Gertrude. TAGGIE Sorry. MAUD Oh, no. No, thank you. Uh, we're not on the best of terms with Jehovah in this house. CAITLIN Hmm. MAUD Taggie, just shut the door. LIZZIE Oh, it's not mine. I found it on the lawn. MAUD New English? LIZZIE Um... MAUD Is it the New English Bible? LIZZIE Ye-Yes. CAITLIN Daddy says it's a literary abomination. He must've thrown it out the window. LIZZIE I'm Lizzie. I-I live down the valley. I brought you a bottle and some eggs. CAITLIN Hmm. MAUD We'll open this now. LIZZIE Okay. TAGGIE Come on in. LIZZIE MAUD We haven't found the wineglasses yet. TAGGIE What time is the second post here? LIZZIE Oh, there isn't a second post. MAUD Hmm. Taggie lost her virginity this summer to one of our son Patrick's university friends. He's in the south of France right now and not writing many postcards. TAGGIE Mummy. CAITLIN Aw, it must be so lonely for Rupert now he's not showjumping. MAUD And the only thing that persuaded Caitlin to leave all her friends in London was the thought of living opposite Rupert Campbell-Black. CAITLIN I want him to ravish me. TAGGIE He's a middle-aged MP, Caitlin. CAITLIN Well, I'm so cross. I'm off to boarding school and won't get first crack at him. He's bound to fall for Taggie or even Mummy. CAITLIN How well do you know him? LIZZIE Oh, I-I-I'm not sure anyone really knows Rupert, but we're friends. CAITLIN So not carnally then? LIZZIE I'm one of the few women around here who hasn't been ravished by Rupert. CAITLIN Is your husband fiercely protective? LIZZIE LIZZIE Oh, that's my novel. I wrote it. Have you read it? MAUD Oh, no. Taggie doesn't read. Uh, she's dyslexic. For a long time, we thought she was retarded. MAUD Oh, He Took What He Wanted. I loved this. Talk about getting ravished. Isn't there a very naughty bit with some dock leaves? LIZZIE Oh. MAUD Oh. LIZZIE Yeah, the photo's quite old. MAUD Have you got another one coming out? LIZZIE Well, what with the children and my husband, I don't find much time to write nowadays. DECLAN Tag, I need a shirt and some fucking socks. LIZZIE Oh. TAGGIE Daddy, that's Lizzie. LIZZIE I-I-I live just down the valley. CAITLIN She writes dirty books. DECLAN Nice to meet you. DECLAN Caitlin, you're wearing my socks. CAITLIN Well, they're warmer than tights. TAGGIE Sorry, still unpacking. DECLAN Thanks, love. MAUD How easy is it to find help around here? DECLAN We are not forking out for a cleaner. LIZZIE Well, stealing a woman's help around here is worse than stealing her husband. MAUD What if you stole both? LIZZIE DECLAN That's grand, Tag. DECLAN Right, I am going to buy 30 pairs of socks in such a disgusting colour that none of you will ever pinch them again. DECLAN Nice to meet you, Lizzie. LIZZIE Yeah. TAGGIE Good luck, Daddy. CAITLIN Give 'em hell! DECLAN Yeah. MAUD All right, let's get smashed! CAITLIN LIZZIE Welcome to Rutshire. CAITLIN Ooh. Whoo! DECLAN Mutts away... If you'll be my bodyguard, I can... pal WALLA DECLAN CAMERON Declan, hi. DECLAN Yeah. WALLA I can see him. Hey! There he is! That's him! It's Declan! Declan! Declan! Declan! Declan! Declan! Declan! Declan! Declan! Declan! CAMERON Okay. DECLAN What the fuck? JAMES Just a man of the people. CHARLES Don't be jealous, James. At least he won't steal your sunbed. DAYSEE He's tall, isn't he? JAMES Standing next to a very short car. DEIRDRE I saw him in Penscombe. I think he looks a lot older in the flesh. JAMES Thank you, Deirdre. SEB Who's producing him? JOYCE Cameron. SEB But it's factual, not drama. And why does Cameron get all the good stuff? JOYCE I really can't think. REPORTER 1 Declan, how much are they paying you? REPORTER 2 Why'd you leave the BBC, Declan? PHOTOGRAPHER Come on, Declan. Give us a smile. DECLAN All right. All right. Thanks, lads. That's your lot. DECLAN Get me the fuck out of here. CAMERON This way. GINGER You've put the Paddy among the pigeons, haven't you? TONY Who says no Blacks, no Irish? I'm a one-man equal opportunities revolution, Ginger. GINGER JAMES DECLAN I am a journalist, not a celebrity. I ask the questions. WALLA PERFORMER 1 It's Declan O'Hara. PERFORMER 2 DECLAN Where the fuck is this Cameron guy I'm supposed to report to? WALLA DECLAN I mean, Jesus, you don't just ambush someone. I'm a serious fucking journalist. I don't discuss my career with the Scorpion. Shitshow. CAMERON Come in. DECLAN Where is he? CAMERON Take a seat, Declan. DECLAN What, you're-- CAMERON Cameron Cook. CAMERON You were expecting a man, possibly queer, which you would have endured but certainly not a woman and God forbid, a Black one. DECLAN I thought you were a publicity girl. CAMERON No, I'm a "producer-y" woman. DECLAN Listen, I'm not-- CAMERON Prejudice? Of course not. You're an asshole to everyone. DECLAN This isn't gonna work, Tony. It's not a chat show. It's a serious programme. CAMERON I wanna produce a serious programme too, but there are ways of drawing the audience in first. DECLAN Oh, what, cuddling up on a sofa with cushions? TONY You've seen the set design then? DECLAN I know my audience, Tony. A fucking sofa? TONY You might listen to Cameron. NBC howled when I poached her. DECLAN TONY Do you know Charles Fairburn, Controller of Programmes? DECLAN Oh. CHARLES Declan. CHARLES We knew each other at the Beeb. DECLAN Hey, you look, um-- CHARLES Fatter. I don't miss the canteen at the BBC, darling. TONY And Ginger Baines, Head of Operations. DECLAN I'm sorry, Tony. I produce myself. CAMERON I've got Johnny Friedlander flying over for your first interview. CHARLES Johnny Friedlander the film star? CAMERON No, Johnny Friedlander my dentist. DECLAN I don't interview actors. CHARLES Friedlander doesn't give interviews. Not since the sex tape. GINGER They're saying he could be the next Bond. TONY They'll have trouble replacing Roger. DECLAN I've been speaking to Jackie Kennedy. CAMERON She'll just blabber on about her old, boring publishing job. DECLAN No, she wants to talk about life as a single American woman, actually. TONY Hmm, you could learn something, Cameron. TONY Look, you two lock horns if it turns you on, but don't forget I hired you both because you can get ratings. So let's pull together and get them, yes? TONY The BBC have put Top of the Pops against us in the schedule. So you need to be more popular than Jimmy Savile. CAMERON Johnny Friedlander is a global megastar, and he hasn't given an interview in five years. People will watch this. TONY Book Jackie for the next one. DECLAN Okay, fine. DECLAN But I do my own research. And no fucking sofa. TONY Give him whatever fucking furniture he wants, all right? We all know it's not about the sofa. CAMERON I don't need this shit, Tony. You brought me here to produce drama. Not a chat show. TONY I brought you here to be the cleverest person in the building and terrify the rest of them into pulling their socks up. So far so good. You're a lion in a petting zoo. TONY But we need big game like Declan to convince the IBA to renew our contract. We lose the franchise, there won't be any drama to produce. You'll be on the next boat back. GINGER CAMERON I didn't come here on a boat. TONY Forgive me. Semantics. CAMERON I flew here on fucking Concorde. TONY I paid for the ticket. Worth every penny. CAMERON LIZZIE TAGGIE It's gorgeous. LIZZIE Yes. There are badger setts up at the top there. And in spring, the bluebells flame between the beech trees like little Bunsen burners. TAGGIE LIZZIE Sorry, I sound like an estate agent. TAGGIE Oh, I just can't believe this is all ours. LIZZIE Well, only to the bottom of the wood and then Rupert will have you for trespassing. LIZZIE Oh, thank you for walking me back. I'm really quite pissed. LIZZIE Hmm. Looks like Rupert's back home. Caitlin will be scaling the wall. TAGGIE Caitlin's all talk. She's sworn off marriage until she's at least 35. Got too much to do she says. LIZZIE And you? With parents like yours, you must have big plans. TAGGIE Oh. I'd like to be a cook but following recipes and writing things down-- I, um, don't know what to do with myself really. LIZZIE Oh. LIZZIE How old are you? Nineteen? TAGGIE Twenty. LIZZIE Your whole life ahead of you. It's 1986. You can have whatever you want, so Cosmo tells us. TAGGIE TAGGIE TAGGIE SEBASTIAN / ELLIE LIZZIE Hmm. Back into battle. SEBASTIAN Ellie, I'm gonna get you. TAGGIE How many children do you have? LIZZIE Two. Three, counting my husband. He works for Corinium too. TAGGIE ELLIE Go away, Sebastian! TAGGIE Oh, you didn't say. LIZZIE I talk about my husband as little as possible. He does enough of that himself. TAGGIE SEBASTIAN I'm gonna get you. ELLIE LIZZIE SEBASTIAN I'm gonna get you! ELLIE You can't catch me. LIZZIE Hello. What's going on? TAGGIE Oh, my God. There's a fire. Uh, there's a fire! Oh. TAGGIE Oh, come on. TAGGIE TAGGIE Fire! SARAH I can't hit a bloody thing. RUPERT TAGGIE Fire! There's a fire! RUPERT Tit fault. Your tits were at least six inches over the line. SARAH Well, cock fault then. You're at least ten inches over the line. RUPERT TAGGIE TAGGIE Um... SARAH RUPERT Don't be shy, darling. SARAH TAGGIE Your fields are on fire. SARAH RUPERT And? It's the quickest way to get rid of the stubble after the harvest. TAGGIE Could you, um-- TAGGIE So, you set fire to them on purpose? RUPERT Sorry, who the fuck are you? And why are you here? TAGGIE What about the animals? The rabbits and voles and birds an-- RUPERT Yes, and the lovely ickle earwigs. Should I stop ploughing my fields 'cause it's cruel to woodlice? TAGGIE You're murdering them. RUPERT Do you want me to give them a state funeral? TAGGIE RUPERT What the hell? TAGGIE Uh, I called the fire brigade. RUPERT RUPERT Get off my land before I call the police as well and take that brute back to its pigsty. TAGGIE You are utterly ab-- Ooh. Abhorrent! RUPERT Ab-- TAGGIE CHARLES BASIL Gentlemen, you ordered a full-bodied Argentinian? CHARLES And the wine, Basil. BASIL Yes. Have you tried this one before? It's very, very nice. I'm assuming we're on expenses. CHARLES Bas enjoys helping me spend Corinium money. BASIL I do. BASIL Oh, wonderful. Now, I must say, I loved your coverage of the royal wedding, Charles. CHARLES Thank you, Bas. Andrew and Fergie are a modern-day fairy tale. BASIL Well, you know what they say about redheads. BASIL Enjoy, chaps. CHARLES DECLAN That's Tony's brother? CHARLES Half-brother. He got the good half. The mother had a scandalous fling with an Argentinian polo player. Basil was the result. BASIL CHARLES Bas was always the favourite with Daddy, despite his dubious origins and poor Tony just never managed to catch up. DECLAN Does he hold a grudge? CHARLES Tony? Darling, he cultivates them like rare orchids. Artists. Tony cultivates artists. You're in safe hands. We're-- We're-- We're so lucky to have such a strong leader at the helm. CHARLES Hello, Archie. I'll have the liver and marmalade, and a radicchio salad. ARCHIE And for you, sir? DECLAN Steak. Still mooing. CHARLES CHARLES Tony's son. Working here for the summer holidays, teaching his children the value of money. DECLAN And tell me, is Cameron Cook as big a bitch as she seems? CHARLES She is a genius. CAMERON So, we ripped up the treatment, aged all the characters down ten years and gave them some desire. CAMERON The men were all dickless, so I said to Tony, our audience wants to fantasise about being banged over the sink while doing the dishes. LADY GOSLING And Four Men Went To Mow is now the top-rated network drama of the year. CAMERON Looking good, boys. ACTOR 1 I smell like Sunday lunch. LADY GOSLING You look delicious. CAMERON Everybody, this is Lady Gosling, chairwoman of the Independent Broadcasting Authority. TONY Best behaviour, everyone. CAMERON And this is the Declan set. LADY GOSLING Yes, very impressive. You're rather impressive, aren't you? Where did Tony find you? CAMERON New York. LADY GOSLING August 26, 1970, I marched with Gloria Steinem on the Women's Strike for Equality. CAMERON My mom was on that march. LADY GOSLING "Don't iron while the strike is hot." CAMERON Hmm. TONY I think you'll be pleased with the efforts we've made to address your concerns. LADY GOSLING "I am not your Barbie doll." CAMERON TONY And Declan O'Hara's presence on the Corinium team. It just nudges that political dial leftwards. LADY GOSLING And the board? If you want to hang on to your franchise, then Corinium's board needs strengthening. Have you thought of Rupert Campbell-Black? TONY Well-- LADY GOSLING Rupert's presence would give you legitimacy, Anthony. I don't like taking people's franchises away, but Rupert would give Corinium real sparkle. I want to be convinced that I'm backing the right horse. LADY GOSLING Tell me more about your mother. CAMERON My mom was into politics. All about female pow-- LADY GOSLING Really? CHARLES CHARLES I mean, they don't tell you when you leave the BBC... Yes, there's a lot more money in independent television, but you're going up against 14 other regional companies just like you and then there's franchise renewal. DECLAN But that's what, once every five years, is it? CHARLES Yeah, but the anxiety is constant because some other company can just waltz in and take your franchise away. CHARLES We may not have had biscuits at the BBC, but all we had to do was make television. DECLAN Do you think I made the wrong move? CHARLES Oh, no. Granada have Coronation Street, LWT has Blind Date, Corinium now has you. You're the golden goose, darling. Sit back and let Tony fucking fatten you up. DECLAN Hmm. CHARLES The foie gras is divine here, by the way. CHARLES TAGGIE TAGGIE Ugh. CAITLIN I wish I was coming too. TAGGIE I've only been invited so I can drive Mummy and Daddy home when they're drunk. CAITLIN You've already met Rupert. It's not fair. You saw his willy. TAGGIE He's vile. CAITLIN Oh, that journalist is so lucky to be shagging him. CAITLIN What are you looking for? TAGGIE The bright blue mini. CAITLIN Do you think it's gonna happen again? TAGGIE What? CAITLIN Mummy. CAITLIN Now we're here, I quite want to stay. MAUD Taggie? MAUD Oh, let's go. TAGGIE MAUD What? CAITLIN You're wearing Taggie's dress. MAUD Uh, I wore this to Bono's Christmas party. TAGGIE It was mine then too. MAUD Oh, you're so touchy these days. Look, we are going to go and meet the most wonderful people this afternoon. I'm excited. CAITLIN Leaving London's going to be good for her and Daddy, isn't it? TAGGIE It will be. TAGGIE It'll be okay. I promise. TONY Well done, darling. Great turnout again, I must say. MONICA Yes, I've told them to up the proportion of orange juice in the Buck's Fizz. I don't want everyone plastered like last year. TONY No. MONICA So, which one is it you want for your board? Is it the electronics millionaire chap? TONY Freddie Jones. He's over there with the tash. TONY I'll get him onto satellite technology. You can ask her if she's made any friends in the area yet. She's opened a boutique in Cotchester, so you should offer to pop in and buy something. MONICA Hmm. Is Miss Cook coming? TONY Couldn't drag her away from the studio. Declan goes live in a matter of days. TONY And here's our star. TONY You're even more beautiful in the flesh, Mrs O'Hara. MAUD Thank you. TONY Declan. DECLAN Tony. MONICA We're so glad you're here. Everyone's dying to meet some new people. We're all very bored of each other. DECLAN BASIL The Maud O'Hara. My favourite actress. Bas, the better Baddingham. MAUD If you say so. TONY So pleased you could make it, Basil. TONY Declan, let me show you off to some board members. BASIL Why don't we get you a drink? You were wonderful as Lady Macbeth. MAUD Oh. MONICA Come. WALLA STEVE Yep. Oh. STEVE JOYCE Not going to Lord B's party? CAMERON Hmm, I turned Tony down. Not my kind of crowd. JOYCE Is that the only reason? CAMERON What other reason would there be? CAMERON I want your opinion. JOYCE I'm not paid to have opinions. CAMERON Mm-hmm. Now, I agreed to ditch the sofa but why a desk? He's-- He's not a news anchor. JOYCE Perhaps he wants to hide behind it. CAMERON Huh. JOYCE It's not because he hasn't got good legs. I've looked. CAMERON CAMERON Steve, move the desk off the set for a minute. STEVE Declan asked for the desk. CAMERON Yeah, I wanna see it without the desk. STEVE It's just, we built the desk-- CAMERON I'm not telling you to burn the damn thing. I'm telling you to move it so I can see the set. Can you do that? STEVE All right. Keep your wig on. SET DECORATOR 2 / SET DECORATOR 1 CAMERON That's funny. You know what isn't funny? Looking for another fucking job. STEVE Mmm. CAMERON It's better. See? It's better. CAMERON BASIL Well, Rupert's arrived. MAUD Really? CHARLES That's Gerald. Rupert's aide. We go way back. CHARLES Where's your gorgeous lord and master? GERALD He's not here? CHARLES No. GERALD Damn it. I have a pile of papers for him to sign and I can only pin him down at parties. CHARLES You can pin me down later if you like. GERALD Stop it. CHARLES SHELLEY Vol-au-vent? LIZZIE Thank you. BASIL TAGGIE Actually, I think I might just, uh-- JAMES Li-- Lizzie. Lizzie! LIZZIE TAGGIE Um, I-- I think that man wants you. LIZZIE He doesn't want me. That's my husband. LIZZIE GUEST 1 Thank you. SHELLEY TONY TONY Thank you, darling. TONY Feel like I should be reading the news. Um, fortunately, we have the wonderful James Vereker to do that instead. MONICA JAMES Oh. Thank you. Thank you. TONY Um, now I-- Don't worry, I won't keep you from your lunch. Uh, but I'm very glad to have you all here to celebrate Corinium's newest star with me. WALLA DECLAN TONY Ladies and Gentlemen, Declan O'Hara. DECLAN Cheers. TONY Declan joins Corinium, of course, on the crest of a wave. Uh, wonderful ratings for our prestige drama, Four Men Went To Mow. Who knew arable farming could be so sexy? JAMES LIZZIE TONY Uh, and with revenue from our sales to America, we are confident that this is going to be our most successful autumn ever. RUPERT ...then jumped over six full-grown men. BEATTIE WALLA RUPERT MAUD Oh, my God. It's him. RUPERT So sorry. Sorry. Didn't mean to steal your thunder. TONY No fire engines with you today? RUPERT Um, please, uh, go on with your speech. RUPERT Oh, hello, darling. LIZZIE Hello. TONY Um, but Declan, you are undoubtedly the jewel in the Corinium crown. And I know everyone here joins me in welcoming you, your wife, Maud, and your daughter, Agatha, to our Cotchester family. Declan O'Hara, Ladies and Gentlemen. TAGGIE RUPERT MONICA Lunch, everybody. Lunch. BEATTIE Drink? TONY Thank you, darling. VALERIE LIZZIE Mmm. Look at all this gorgeous food. VALERIE People are always saying, "You should write a book, Mrs Jones. You've led such a fascinating life." LIZZIE How funny. People are always telling me I should open a shop. VALERIE Oh. LIZZIE Uh, so where have you moved to? VALERIE Whychey, Green Lawns. It's a lovely house, now we've added the extension and double-glazed over those draughty old windows. Those Victorians must have worn a lot of jumpers. JAMES Oh. Very good. FREDDIE LIZZIE But the only house I know round there is Bottom Hollow Court. VALERIE You know, Green Lawns sounded so much prettier. Especially now we've, uh, landscaped the garden. VALERIE No tatties, Fred Fred. JAMES FREDDIE VALERIE Lord Baddingham is wooing my Fred Fred for his board. JAMES Oh. VALERIE I'm encouraging him to get more cultured. LIZZIE JAMES We could do with a few more caring wives at Corinium, Mrs Jones. VALERIE Oh. Please, call me Mousey. All of my friends do. FREDDIE LIZZIE Mmm. JAMES VALERIE Shall we go and find somewhere to perch? JAMES Let's, Mousey. VALERIE JAMES Do move on to something soft, darling. We don't want the hunt ball again. LIZZIE Mmm. VALERIE I do so enjoy your Cotswold Round-Up. LIZZIE My husband tells me you're one of the most powerful men in England. FREDDIE Yeah, I suppose I am. LIZZIE Then I expect you're allowed a few potatoes. FREDDIE One potato, two potato, three. Shall we find more booze? LIZZIE Mmm. BEATTIE Hello, Declan. BASIL I'll see you later. DECLAN BEATTIE We were all so surprised when you left the BBC for Corinium. DECLAN Mm-hmm. BEATTIE Do you miss your integrity or do you feel lighter without it? DECLAN What was it the Private Eye called you? The first not-quite-a-lady of Fleet Street, was it? BEATTIE BEATTIE DECLAN Tag, have you seen your mother around? TAGGIE No, I haven't. MAUD I've met a few athletes in my time. They always get what they want. RUPERT And what do we want? MAUD To win. RUPERT Well, sadly, I'm not showjumping anymore. MAUD Well, you're still athletic. RUPERT You're certainly too disturbing to be living across the valley. MAUD RUPERT MAUD DECLAN Ah. There you are. RUPERT Finally. RUPERT Shergar himself. DECLAN Mr Campbell-Black, getting to know the neighbours? RUPERT Huh. MAUD Taggie, have you met Rupert? RUPERT No. Think I'd remember. MAUD Ugh, Agatha. It's my daughter. TAGGIE Uh, Taggie. RUPERT I hear you did a hatchet job on Paul Stratton. That I'd have loved to see. DECLAN Mmm. RUPERT Shall we make a dent in Tony's whisky collection? DECLAN Why not? MAUD WALLA TONY Are you hiding again? MONICA Oh, they're just at the end of "Das Rheingold." TONY I need you out there with me. TONY Bloody Rupert. I want to get this over with. MONICA Oh, come here. MONICA TONY I can't believe I'm going to him for legitimacy. MONICA TONY All he did for his status was be born into it. MONICA It's just social currency, darling. It's the way the world works. TONY Public school wanker. MONICA Well, shall we send Archie to a comprehensive and save on the school fees? TONY Mmm. MONICA Mmm. He'll only make you feel inferior if you give him permission. Now, deep breath, shoulders back. TONY MONICA Good boy. MONICA Working the weekend? Oh, I hope Tony's paying you handsomely, Ginger. MONICA Come on, dogs. GINGER Took some digging, but I found these. I think you'll enjoy them. It's a little Declan O'Hara insurance. TONY Oh. TONY Mm-hmm. DECLAN WALLA DECLAN "Peaceful is the country that is strongly armed." RUPERT Hmm. Baddingham family motto. RUPERT Circa 1972. MAUD RUPERT Lord Pop Pop, Tony's father, made his millions in munitions during the war. That's why Tony married Lady Monica of the Glen. He had Daddy's cash, Mon Mon had the house and, what Tony wants most of all, class. DECLAN And why are the English so obsessed with class and money? MAUD Declan! DECLAN I was only asking Mr Campbell-Black a question, love. TONY Rupert, you've met Declan then. TONY Anyone want another drink? TONY Oh. You've found one. RUPERT Hmm. RUPERT It's decent Scotch. Did Monica choose it? TONY TONY Ignore us. Our families go back a long way. RUPERT Not that far. TONY Listen, uh, can I have a word, Rupert, in private? A business proposition. RUPERT Well, we're all friends here. RUPERT Nothing you could say to me that dear Maudie shouldn't hear. MAUD I am not drinking sherry with the wives while the men have all the fun. RUPERT No. You wanna be here when Tony asks me to be on his board. TONY Uh, uh, uh, uh-- Well, all right. It's a lucrative game. I thought you'd want in. RUPERT It's so hard to take you seriously, Tony. You just always sound like you're playing Monopoly. TONY RUPERT The answer's no. Lady Gosling thinks I can give you some class, help you keep your franchise, but I'm not using my family name so you can buy yourself a bigger helicopter. MONICA Uh, Tony, Paul Stratton's here. TONY Ah! RUPERT PAUL Sorry, we're late, everyone. Bit of trouble getting out of bed, actually. SARAH SARAH Yeah. You know what newly-weds are like. PAUL RUPERT Paul. Mind yourself in those jeans. You bend over, your eyes will pop out. RUPERT And the new Mrs Stratton, now you are a very welcome upgrade. SARAH RUPERT Well done, Paul. SARAH RUPERT Uh, do you know Declan O'Hara? SARAH Oh, yes. Yeah, you did us all a favour, actually, Mr O'Hara. Good to get everything out in the open. We're insanely happy. SARAH Aren't we, Paul? PAUL I'm a new man. SARAH TONY Excuse me. TAGGIE This is so fucking stupid. TONY I heard about you catching Campbell-Black playing tennis in the noddy. TONY That's enough to upset anyone. TAGGIE Who knows about that? TONY Well, the whole valley knows about the fire engines. And I know who the mystery woman was now, don't I? TONY GUESTS And a little bit of this And a little bit of that And shake your bum! And a little bit of this And a little bit of that And shake your bum! And a little bit of this And a little bit of that And shake your bum! And a little bit of this And a little bit of that And shake your bum! LIZZIE LIZZIE RUPERT You know, you're dancing with the devil, don't you? GUESTS And a little bit of this And a little bit of that And shake your bum! And a little bit of this And a little bit of that And shake your bum! And a little bit of this And a little bit of that And shake your bum! And a little bit of this And a little bit of that And shake your bum! And a little bit of this And a little bit of that And shake your bum! And a little bit of this And a little bit of that And shake your bum! DECLAN Says the man who works for Thatcher. RUPERT Let's hope you've got rhythm. TONY RUPERT Oh, incoming. RUPERT BEATTIE You bastard! You've been shagging Sarah Stratton too? BEATTIE SARAH It was only tennis! SARAH Mmm. Mmm. SARAH PAUL SARAH CHARLES RUPERT PAUL Ow. Fuck! Ow! RUPERT SARAH MONICA Drop! PAUL Ouch. DECLAN RUPERT Beattie, darling! BEATTIE I'm going to ruin you. TAGGIE I'm so sorry. RUPERT I wouldn't mind, but that's my car. TAGGIE DECLAN So it's Rupert now, is it? MAUD It was a conversation. I was conversing. DECLAN You were all over him. MAUD Oh, what, now I can't even talk to a man without you assuming that I'm after him. DECLAN Oh, grow up. MAUD God. I didn't ask to come here. You're the one that took the cheque and just sold us all out. DECLAN Yeah, Maud, it's a horrible house and you live a terrible life. MAUD What, and these are our people now? Oh, my God. They're all horses and dogs, and houses and cars and who's got the longest fecking driveway. I mean, God, the men are all desperate to ride anything, as long as they're not married to it. MAUD The wives, Jesus, they haven't had an orgasm since Pony Club camp. DECLAN Oh, for fuck-- MAUD That's not us, is it? DECLAN DECLAN Everyone was looking at you. MAUD Huh. And did you like that? DECLAN CAITLIN Oh, God. MAUD How much? How much did you like that? MAUD Tell me. Yeah. DECLAN A lot. MAUD How much? DECLAN A lot. MAUD DECLAN RUPERT Yeah. Hello. Come on. Did you miss me? RUPERT RUPERT Yes? RUPERT Yes, fine. RUPERT No, it was, uh, a buffet table. RUPERT Of course. See you 9:00 a.m.? RUPERT You have a good evening, Prime Minister. RUPERT Come on dogs. Daddy's in trouble again. MAUD / DECLAN CAITLIN CAITLIN TAGGIE CAITLIN Mummy and Daddy are clearly back on track. Was Rupert there? TAGGIE Yeah, I think so. ON-SCREEN TEXT {on page} Rivals By Lizzie Vereker LIZZIE "As she gazed at the O'Caseys, with their burnished bohemian beauty, entering this world of unbridled passion, she worried. Little did Diarmuid O'Casey know that he had brought his family into the wild. Into a world of untameable beasts giving into their basest needs." MAUD / DECLAN PAUL GERALD / CHARLES LIZZIE "Hungry for sex." GERALD FREDDIE LIZZIE "Hungry for status." LIZZIE "Hungry for love." LIZZIE "Hungry for power." TONY You know, Campbell-Black is finished after today. ON-SCREEN TEXT {on book} Opera LIZZIE "Hungry for comfort." MONICA Are you coming to bed? TONY You had better be stark bollock naked when I get through there. MONICA Good dogs. Good dogs. Lie down. CAMERON CAMERON Mmm. "Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord." TONY CAMERON RUPERT LIZZIE "Because as seductive as these predators might be, one should always beware of being eaten." CAMERON GERALD MAUD / DECLAN PAUL Bloody hell! TONY / CAMERON FREDDIE TONY Oh, yes! TONY This is a surprise. RUPERT The prime minister wasn't thrilled about seeing her ministers' private lives splashed all over the papers. Paul Stratton's been shuffled to the backbenches. TONY Oh, dear. Have you lost your job? RUPERT No. Not at all. No. No, Mrs Thatcher's given me a promotion. I'm her new Minister for Sport, so thank you. I couldn't have done it without you. TONY You had to come all this way to tell me that? RUPERT I want you to keep your grubby little nose out of my affairs. TONY Maggie will see through you soon enough, you overprivileged cunt. RUPERT You'll have to try harder than that if you wanna beat me, Lord Baddingham. TONY Game on.