AVERY BRIAN CAPTAIN_MASSEY COREY CRAIG DAVID DOCTOR FIRST_OFFICER_MUNROE INSTRUCTOR JARED KACEY MARCO MARK MARSHA_DPENGUINS MAX PASSENGER_1 PASSENGER_2 PASSENGER_3 RAPHAEL RECEPTIONIST_1 RILEY ROSIE TRISTAN WALLA CAPTAIN MASSEY Last night, Eric Colby went overboard. I know we're all far from our home cities. But here on The Odyssey you are never alone. AVERY It led me to reevaluate my life and it inspired me to make a bucket list, and the first thing on it was to see the world and that's why I took this job. MAX What else is on that bucket list? TRISTAN Bucket list item number five. Have a three-way. COREY Leaner than a bear. Muscular, with some body hair. What am I? CAPTAIN MASSEY Okay... D-Don't tell me, I, uh... An otter. AVERY Ooh. COREY Wolf. Lean and muscular is the key. CAPTAIN MASSEY Wolf. Damn it. TRISTAN Ah, you're doing great, Cap. CAPTAIN MASSEY Not great enough. Tomorrow this ship gets commandeered by several hundred gay men. And whoever comes aboard this ship, I better know the language. CAPTAIN MASSEY Next card. COREY Ah, so... This is what Max is. MAX What? CAPTAIN MASSEY Easy one. Daddy. MAX What? No. COREY Ding, ding, ding. MAX No, I am not a daddy. ROSIE What do you think you are then, Max? MAX I don't know. A jock? Is that a thing? AVERY Oh, it's a thing, I'm just not sure it's a you thing. If you know what I mean. MAX Oh, well, excuse me. What are you cool kids then? ROSIE Uh, I'm masc. AVERY Femme. COREY Twink. TRISTAN Twunk. CAPTAIN MASSEY Silver fox. CAPTAIN MASSEY Relax. Daddies are in. They're having a moment, as the kids say. COREY TRISTAN Cap's little brother is a daddy. CAPTAIN MASSEY Yep. You're all gonna meet Craig tomorrow. He and his new beau are coming aboard. ROSIE No. The lifelong bachelor's finally met someone, huh? CAPTAIN MASSEY That's the word on the waves. CAPTAIN MASSEY I am so damn proud of him. God, what that guy has been through. I mean, against all odds. He's... My little Craig's landed on his feet. Sober 15 years, happily partnered. Who knows what's next? Pitter-patter of little feet? CAPTAIN MASSEY All right. Back to business. It's now less than 12 hours before we embark. COREY Okay, Cap. For all the marbles, define, Mother. CAPTAIN MASSEY Mother... A queen who has style and grace, and elegance. And serves the house down boots, mama! AVERY Werk, baby! CAPTAIN MASSEY Yeah. That's right. You heard it here. You heard it here. ROSIE Period. TRISTAN He's a killer. TRISTAN Hi there. TRISTAN Is this what it's always like for you? All the staring and winking. Uh, it feels very-- AVERY Invasive? TRISTAN Amazing. I was going to say amazing. TRISTAN Hi there. PASSENGER 1 Hello. TRISTAN Welcome to Gay Week. MARCO POV, you're having your first drink on The Odyssey. It's giving cruising. MARK Oh, it is giving cruising, all right. MARK Ahoy, daddy! TRISTAN Mmm. AVERY Huh. Did you hear what he just called you? MAX Mm-mmm. AVERY Mmm... D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-Daddy! MAX Mm-mmm. Mm-mmm. Mm-- Nope. TRISTAN Why don't we do this every week? MARSHA DPENGUINS Honk, honk, mother tuckers! MARSHA DPENGUINS is here. Charmed. Ooh. PASSENGER 2 Uh... MARSHA DPENGUINS Ahoy, "Ca-pi-tan"! Ooh! Look at you, serving all this naval realness. CAPTAIN MASSEY Marsha, my God. Don't you look stunning. Oh, but... listen, um, could you keep it down? Not so loud. MARSHA DPENGUINS Not so loud? Baby, loud and proud is the only way I roll. Okay, girl? WALLA Yes, queen! MARSHA DPENGUINS Yes! Yes. CAPTAIN MASSEY I get it. But listen, I booked you as a surprise for my brother. You're his favorite queen. So if you could just keep it down a little bit, until the show tonight. On the down low. MARSHA DPENGUINS I get it. Quiet. Discreet. Kind of reminds me of high school. CAPTAIN MASSEY Yeah. MARSHA DPENGUINS All right. I got you, bro. Okay. CAPTAIN MASSEY Thank you. MARSHA DPENGUINS Of course. CAPTAIN MASSEY Wow. CAPTAIN MASSEY Thank you. MAX Two Massey boys under one roof. That must have been an epic sibling rivalry. CAPTAIN MASSEY Well, actually it wasn't like that. You know, Craig is ten years my junior. Our mom wasn't around, and I... My dad worked nights, so I basically ended up raising the kid on my own. MAX Wow. That's tough. CAPTAIN MASSEY It was tough. Kid was a pain in the ass. But you know, somehow through it all, quite by accident, we became best friends. I introduced him to Schwarzenegger, he introduced me to Streisand. I wanted to give him my old G.I. Joes, he wanted Barbies. You know, after a while, Max, I just... I said what the hell. Go with the flow, man. MAX Yeah, I guess it's all just shiny plastic at the end of the day. CAPTAIN MASSEY That it is. KACEY A gay cruise? No, no, no. Let me pull up the booking. This is not right. JARED You know, I thought there seemed to be an unusually high concentration of mustaches. KACEY Uh-huh. Right here on the website. "Splash. A playful week for those expecting..." See? "Love and acceptance, fun in the sun and buns, buns, buns." Expecting. Buns. RECEPTIONIST 1 It's actually one sentence. "A playful week for those expecting love and acceptance, fun in the sun and--" PASSENGER 3 "Buns, buns, buns"! Whoo-hoo! JARED Okay, but the events on the itinerary are clearly for parents. "Daddy's Only cardio class"? of the role/stereotype within the LGBT+ community, more specifically gay men) KACEY Yeah, this yoga class is called "Werk Mama". RECEPTIONIST 1 Yeah, no. It's pronounced "Werk Ma-maw". RECEPTIONIST 1 I am so sorry for the confusion. You're, of course, welcome to stay or I'm happy to offer you a refund. KACEY I think honestly, this just isn't for us. JARED Kacey. Babe. KACEY Don't tell me you wanna stay. JARED Well, in less than a month our lives will belong to her. And I can't wait for that day, but this vacation will be the last child-free experience that we get for the next 18 years. I mean, the next time that we'll have this kind of freedom, it'll be... 2042. KACEY We will stay. But we want an upgrade. Uh, a suite. With a balcony. I don't wanna go full Karen, but as the only pregnant person on this ship, we need it. JARED Yes. V-Views are very important. For pregnancy reasons. KACEY Mm-hmm. RECEPTIONIST 1 Lemme see what I can do. CRAIG Skipper. CAPTAIN MASSEY Oh, my god. Look who's here. What? Call security. Who let these vagrants in here? CRAIG Oh, yeah, like they're gonna take orders from your sorry, hillbilly ass. CRAIG When's the mutiny? CAPTAIN MASSEY Oh, well, any day now. CRAIG I'm happy to see you, Robbie. CAPTAIN MASSEY Mm-hmm, you too, Craig. Welcome. CAPTAIN MASSEY Oh, this is Avery. Our nurse practitioner. AVERY How are you? Hi. BRIAN Hi. CAPTAIN MASSEY And you must be the famous Brian. BRIAN Ah, a-almost famous. CAPTAIN MASSEY Brave man. It's a hell of a job taking care of this one. BRIAN And a thankless one, but somebody's gotta do it. CAPTAIN MASSEY Better you than me. I'm honored to meet my brother's better half. And clearly, his better looking half. BRIAN Well, not quite half. RILEY Hello, boys. Hi. I know we're excited, but look what we forgot in the taxi. CAPTAIN MASSEY Traveling with an assistant? That's awesome. BRIAN What would I do without you? RILEY Mmm. RILEY You would burn like a sun-dried tomato. RILEY SPF. I want it on before we hit the pool deck. Both of you. RILEY Hi. CRAIG Riley is, uh, not our assistant, he's our third. RILEY Nice to meet you. CAPTAIN MASSEY Welcome. Welcome. RILEY Oh. CAPTAIN MASSEY The more, the merrier. Apparently. CRAIG He's our little rebel. RILEY Oh, I read in Cond Nast, there's a seafood buffet that has five stars? That's gotta be a mistake, right? The only thing that has five stars is the Costco food court. CAPTAIN MASSEY Well, the lobster tails are this way. And I'll let you make up your own mind about how they stack up against those famous hot dogs. MAIN TITLE DOCTOR ODYSSEY CAPTAIN MASSEY Oh, good. You're here. I just wanted to double check. Have you, uh, stocked up on plenty of PrEP? AVERY Yep. CAPTAIN MASSEY Good, and Doxy PEP? AVERY Mm-hmm. CAPTAIN MASSEY Also, um, extra penicillin and vitamin drips? AVERY Mm-hmm. Yep. CAPTAIN MASSEY I want the cruisers this week to have a smooth ride. AVERY Check, check and check. AVERY May I make an observation? CAPTAIN MASSEY Of course. AVERY You were awfully cool back there, with the whole throuple thing. A lot of people over the age of 40 struggle with this new fluidity. The new freedom, new rules-- And you didn't. You were loving and accepting. And that's pretty cool. CAPTAIN MASSEY Thank you. I try. You know, I mean, I re... I really do try. Do I understand the pronouns of these young people these days? Hell no. But I'm willing to learn, I'm open. I give respect and my undivided attention to two things, the sea, and the human condition. And what my brother means to me-- AVERY Don't make me cry, Captain. This mascara isn't waterproof. CAPTAIN MASSEY Well, if I'm being honest, I mean, I raised him because I was older, but truth of the matter is, he was my teacher. He expanded my horizons. He taught me how to love unconditionally. But before he got sober... Oh, God, he was a nightmare. I mean, I had sleepless nights. I didn't know whether he was gonna live the week, or OD, or die in an accident, and... CAPTAIN MASSEY But, somehow... He survived and thrived. And he's here and happy. And that's the gift. CAPTAIN MASSEY Now, do I completely understand this polyamory business? Hell no. But I love my brother. And I'm... I'm open to learn. AVERY You know, the idea of multiple partners has been around since people have had relationships. It works for some. CAPTAIN MASSEY Yes. My brother, the throuple... Does beg the question, doesn't it? AVERY Which is? CAPTAIN MASSEY That deep human condition question. Can all of my needs be met by one person? CAPTAIN MASSEY Good talk. JARED So, uh, what-what do you guys do? MARK / MARCO This. MARCO We're travel gays. MARK We're The Marks. On TikTok. KACEY Oh. Wow. That must be so cool, you know. Seeing all those places, eating all the foods. MARCO Mmm. MARCO Mmm. MARK We don't really eat the food. MARCO We'd get fat. MARK We always bring our own. MARCO Can I borrow yours for a picture, though? KACEY Oh. S-- Yeah, sure. MARK Wait, I still see your elbow. JARED Come here. We can watch from here. KACEY Sorry. CRAIG And that, my friends, is the exact moment that I found out that a cat is not just a pet, but also a great character witness. RILEY And that Jell-O is not just a liquid but a substance. CRAIG Right, and soft touch in sports is... has nothing to do with my feelings. We need to catch up on that. CAPTAIN MASSEY So, that's where you guys all met? Is, um, playing volleyball? CRAIG Yeah... we did... We, uh... It was a gay and lesbian volleyball... Was it a league or team? Something like that. BRIAN Yes, volleyball league. We were... Our team was terrible. The girls crushed us, every time. It was a nice way to hang out with people sober. CRAIG Yeah. RILEY And then Brian and I met in AA, and we made eyes at each other for a whole year. And no boyfriends in the first year of AA, but once I got my year token, you know, I called him. But of course, like most handsome gay men he was already spoken for. CRAIG Then we... Then he came over to our house. We invited him over to the house, one night. And we cooked. I made our mom's, uh, chicken potpie, which he loved. And he made... You made... Uh, this fruit... It's like turmeric "compoti" or something, right? BRIAN Compote. CRAIG Compote? BRIAN Compote. CRAIG Compost. CRAIG And... But it was good. And we just... We stayed up all night and laughed. We just laughed and we... we found we have so much in common, all three of us. That it was just... It was like... we had just, like, immediate e-eclectic energy together. BRIAN Yeah. It's-It's-It's nontraditional. Untraditional. But, you know, the gays have already rewritten the relationship rule book. CRAIG Yeah. Yeah. RILEY CRAIG Yeah, so we thought we'd just... We thought we'd just make a tiny, little edit. CRAIG Right? BRIAN Yeah. CAPTAIN MASSEY Hey, Craig. You haven't been drinking, have you? CRAIG S-Seriously? You're asking me if I'm drinking? CAPTAIN MASSEY Yeah, seriously. I mean, you seem like-- CRAIG Happy? I seem happy? Like I'm having a nice time? This... We're on a cruise. Isn't that what you're supposed to do on a cruise? Rob, I have not compromised my sobriety. I've worked very hard. CAPTAIN MASSEY Great. CRAIG All right? CAPTAIN MASSEY Good. I know. Not being judgmental. CAPTAIN MASSEY I'm just... just asking. CAPTAIN MASSEY Well, it seems... it seems a little judgmental. CRAIG I know what this is. This... He used to do this as a kid. You don't... You don't approve of my new love situation. Is that it? And this is his way of-of getting back. It's a very passive aggressive move that he's done our whole life. RILEY Babe. Babe, he seems cool with it. CRAIG What? What? BRIAN He seems really cool with it. And i-it's actually inspiring how cool he's being with it. CRAIG Really? I'm not inspired. I know... I know... I know what he does. BRIAN Yes. CRAIG Rob, I haven't had a drink in 15 years. And tonight, it isn't any different, tonight. CAPTAIN MASSEY Okay. MARSHA DPENGUINS Now they asked for a show, but they didn't know they were gonna get a show. CRAIG Marsha. You got me Marsha? CRAIG Marsha! CRAIG Rob! KACEY Honey, I think you're supposed to give her some money. JARED Oh, um... Yeah, uh... JARED Twenty? Yeah? KACEY Mm-hmm. AVERY Whoo! MARSHA DPENGUINS Oh, damn. MARSHA DPENGUINS Oh! BRIAN Oh, shit. MAX Let's get a line in. Push 5 milligrams of morphine. MAX Tristan, I need you to get some ice packs, stat. TRISTAN Yeah. AVERY On it. AVERY She's inhaled the fumes. She needs an albuterol treatment now. TRISTAN I'll get it. AVERY We could be dealing with a pulmonary inhalation injury. If she keeps coughing like this, she could tear a hole in her lung. MAX Okay. MAX Let me take a listen. TRISTAN Head's up, doc. MAX Need you to take a deep breath. I need you to inhale. Exhale. AVERY Stable? For now? MAX Yeah. MAX Let's prep her for a CT scan. I wanna take a look at her lungs, make sure there's no permanent damage. AVERY Okay. MAX Okay. Marsha, Marsha, Marsha. I have good news. MAX Your lungs look fine. There's no permanent damage to your major bronchus or your alveoli. And as for the skin, they're just superficial burns. If you'll excuse me, I'll go update the captain. MARSHA DPENGUINS MARSHA DPENGUINS Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my God. Please let this be like one of those dreams where your teeth fall out or something, like... Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. TRISTAN Uh, Marsha, it's gonna be all right. It's good news. No serious damage, just aesthetic. MARSHA DPENGUINS You don't get it. Aesthetics are important. Looks matter. Like, this week on this cruise, I have to look gorgeous as a girl. I have to look sexy as a man. TRISTAN Well, I'm certain you'll do both just fine. MARSHA DPENGUINS No, Tristan! People like you. People who look the way you look, you'll be just fine. You don't get what it's like to date as a drag queen. All right? 'Cause... And I know that everyone, in drag, loves me. But out of drag, I'm too Black, I'm too fat, or too feminine... MARSHA DPENGUINS And I'm too much. MARSHA DPENGUINS And now on top of all that, my wig burnt on my head. I look like some scabby-ass Lord Voldemort. AVERY Tomorrow we arrive at our first port. There's this fabulous little mercado. How about the two of us go hat shopping? MAX Go ahead. TRISTAN Uh, no, no. After you. MAX Please. TRISTAN Please. I insist. AVERY I think we need to talk about what happened. The other night. TRISTAN Mmm. MAX I'm pretty sure we made a pact to never, ever speak about that ever again, so long as we all shall live. AVERY We did, but the fact is you two are acting weird. Like really, extremely weird. AVERY Uh-uh. Ah! Like that. Look, if you boys are gonna be such boys about it. I'll say it. AVERY I had fun. It was exciting. And... Hot. And I know we said it was only gonna be a onetime thing, but-- TRISTAN I had fun too. I mean, I've been thinking about it a lot. MAX You guys are terrible at pacts. TRISTAN What would this look like then? AVERY It could look like whatever we wanted it to look like. This cruise is full of people. Couples and throuples, trios and polyamorous quadrangles, finding ways to make it work outside the traditional norms and rules. TRISTAN Mmm. MAX Do either of you actually know what the word pact means? 'Cause I'm starting to wonder. AVERY I'm not saying that we need to define or decide anything right now. I'm just saying... We're capable of feeling happiness. And that is something to be grateful for. Why stop ourselves from doing something that makes us happy just because it feels different? MARCO Daniel? MARK Derrick? MARCO David? MARK D-D-- MARCO Hey... David? David. MARCO It's time to go. We have, uh, beach cardio in fifteen. RAPHAEL Who's David? I'm Raphael. DAVID Hi. DAVID I'm David. MARCO Let's go. Let's go. MARK My head is killing me. Zumba on the beach? Can we please just get Bloodys? MARCO No. The best way to beat a hangover is to sweat it out. Besides, it's Daddy Zumba. Where all the real cruising happens. MARK Jesus, it's freezing out here. Are you wearing bronzer? MARCO To a workout class? I'm not that gay, babe. MARK Liar. You look like Marge Simpson. INSTRUCTOR Daddy Zumba starts in five. MARCO Shut up. Come on, let's hurry. MARK INSTRUCTOR All right, everybody. INSTRUCTOR Watch me. MARK Straight guy is doing better than you. INSTRUCTOR All right, now. Double time. And hop. And double time. And hop. And dou-- Stop! Stop, stop. MARK Babe. Babe. Babe! Hey. Hey, hey. MARCO Oh, God. MAX Thank you. AVERY His blood pressure and pulse are normal but he's running a fever, 102.2. MAX Has he ever had a medical condition with symptoms like this? Or is he taking any new medications? MARK No, he's literally so healthy. Like it's kind of his whole thing... TRISTAN Okay. Mark, is it? Let's sit you down over here. You need to lie down but it's gonna have to be on your side. All right? TRISTAN Guys. TRISTAN Okay. I'll be right back. TRISTAN Their skin looks jaundiced. With that, with the fever and the nausea, this could be something infectious. We should mask up. MAX Let's finish getting the complete medical inventory before we jump to conclusions. TRISTAN Whatever it is, it's clearly spread between them. Just to be safe, why wouldn't-- MAX Could be food poisoning. TRISTAN It's not food poisoning, man. MAX Thank you, Nurse Silva. With all due respect, diagnosis is my job, not yours. TRISTAN Okay. Well, with all due respect, Doctor, preventing an outbreak on this ship is all of our job. MAX Okay, Nurse. What outbreak is it that you think that we're dealing with here, based upon the limited information that you've been able to gather? TRISTAN Based on the symptoms, based on their recent travel history, it could be a Hemorrhagic fever. It could be Marburg. MAX Avery. AVERY Yeah? MAX Is there blood in that vomit? AVERY No. MAX So it's not Hemorrhagic fever. And it's not Marburg because they'd be presenting with a maculopapular rash which neither of them have. MARK Oh, God. MAX Are we good? AVERY Max. You should take a look at this. CAPTAIN MASSEY Are you telling me you think you have a patient with Marburg? And isn't that as deadly as the Ebola filovirus? MAX We can't say for certain, Captain. We need more information. TRISTAN The nausea, the jaundice, the rash. There are too few things that present like this. I'm sorry. MAX Marburg has never even been seen in this part of the world. MAX A-Are you agreeing with this? AVERY They're travel influencers. This is a cruise ship. I wish I didn't, but, yeah, I'm with Tristan. MAX Contagion protocol requires that we have a confirmed diagnosis. And we are not unanimous. CAPTAIN MASSEY Then you better get unanimous fast. I'm gonna tell you once how this goes. The moment I make that call, we head to port. And then this little conversation suddenly involves a whole lot of people. Quarantine, homeland security, CDC. And there is no turning this ship around, literally or figuratively. So, what's it gonna be? ON-SCREEN TEXT {on monitor} Bridge TRISTAN We could be ground zero for the next global pandemic. You know what Marburg does? It rots a patient from the inside out. AVERY He's right. If it got out that we knew, and we waited... MAX I need another look. CAPTAIN MASSEY How much time? MAX Twenty minutes. CAPTAIN MASSEY You have ten. Go. MAX I'm still the ranking physician on this boat whether you agree with me or not. So let's work as a team and get a confirmed diagnosis. TRISTAN How do you plan on doing that in ten minutes? MAX Biopsy. It's the best way to get a clear picture of what's going on. AVERY A biopsy will take days to get results back. MAX Not if it's perioperspective. We'll get immediate results under the microscope. TRISTAN Okay, but perioperspective biopsy requires the patient to undergo surgery. MAX That's right. And I wouldn't have to cut anybody open if you'd just done this by the books. But now my hands are tied, so scrub in. MARK Wait. Cut who open? MAX Mark, I understand you're frightened. And the truth is, we don't know what's wrong with you, but this biopsy is gonna help us to find out, okay? MARK Will it hurt? I'm a huge baby. AVERY I'm gonna put you under with a general anesthesia. Have you eaten anything in the past six hours? MARK No, today was a fast day. It was just sweet potatoes yesterday and the day before that and the day before that. MAX Sweet potatoes? MARK Yeah. We've been doing this cleanse for months. Sweet potatoes have enough nutrients and calories to keep you upright, but they don't bloat or add weight. AVERY What are you looking for? MAX Hey, Mark, have you kissed anyone other than your boyfriend recently? MARK Kissed anyone? A kiss is a gay handshake, so, um, yes. MAX Y-You can stand down. MAX Hey, it's not Marburg. CAPTAIN MASSEY Sweet potatoes? CAPTAIN MASSEY Sweet potatoes? MAX Carotenosis. And, yes, sweet potatoes can do it. The beta-carotene, if you eat too much of it, it'll turn your skin orange. AVERY As for the rash, our patients tested positive for another infectious disease. Mononucleosis. FIRST OFFICER MUNROE Mono? You mean the kissing disease? MAX Yes, indeed. So I put him on a nutrient drip. Some antiemetics drugs, uh, activated charcoal, the whole nine. TRISTAN And not a moment too soon either. Any longer, and the patients could've suffered permanent brain damage from swelling. CAPTAIN MASSEY Sweet potatoes. Jesus. Who'd have thought it? TRISTAN Not me, apparently. TRISTAN I'm sorry, Max. I... I should've listened. MAX Don't ever question me like that in front of a patient again. CAPTAIN MASSEY Come on. Eyes at me. Now, living and working in close quarters, you're bound to lock horns. It's normal. It's even healthy sometimes. But going forward, I need the three of you in lockstep sync. Am I clear? MAX Yes, Captain. TRISTAN Captain. CAPTAIN MASSEY You're way too important. CAPTAIN MASSEY Thank you. MAX Wait. TRISTAN MAX Tristan, I'm sorry. I know you were just doing what you thought was right. TRISTAN We're good. MAX Hold on. That was not us. We got through it, but we were not working as a team. Come on in. Close the door. MAX You guys, I can't do it. I just can't. What happened the other night was wonderful, but it's not me. Maybe I'm too traditional, maybe I'm square. I don't know. But I am a one-woman man. I wanna be in a relationship with one person who I love, and I want a family, and I want children. MAX And the Captain's right. When we're not in sync, we put lives in jeopardy, and I can't justify that. AVERY Okay. AVERY See you tomorrow. AVERY What are you doing? TRISTAN Oh, you know, I'm just getting some sun. Gotta get that vitamin D. AVERY Uh-huh. And all the extra attention is just gravy. You might actually be a health hazard. TRISTAN Well, it's a good thing there's a nurse practitioner standing by. You know, we make a really good duo. AVERY We make an even better trio. TRISTAN Mmm. AVERY What do you make of all that before? Max's reasoning? TRISTAN Well, seems like stroppy Doctor Prudence is, I don't know, hiding his feelings behind some HR mumbo jumbo. I mean, we were both there. He was... AVERY He was. TRISTAN Right? AVERY He took this job for a reason, to let his hair down. Maybe he just needs some convincing. TRISTAN Yeah. AVERY Let me help you with your back. AVERY What if you tried talking to him? You boys have your dude dialect I'm not really fluent in. TRISTAN Yeah. Oh! She knows about the secret language. AVERY TRISTAN Aves, um Well, I guess I can... I can give it a shot. AVERY Attaboy. TRISTAN This was nice. PASSENGER 3 Hey. CRAIG Hey. BRIAN Why would you do that? CRAIG He's fuzzy like a puppy. BRIAN You can touch his fuzzy puppy shorts, babe. I don't get jealous. No. "Why would you do that?" Is the question I've been up all night asking myself. Because as far as I can see, everything in Craig's life has been going really, really good. CRAIG What? CRAIG Want? BRIAN Uh-uh. CRAIG Yeah, my life is... It's beautiful. BRIAN And then it hit me, maybe that's the problem. Do you know what's almost as addictive as booze? CRAIG No. BRIAN Chaos. As alcoholics, we become very, very comfortable in chaos. We thrive in it. CRAIG Right. Oh. So-- What you're saying is that we... if... when everything's going well, then we sabotage our life, the devil comes in, blah-blah-blah. Brian, I'm sober 15 years, okay? I've read The Big Book too. BRIAN Yeah, I know. I'm just trying to get to the bottom of this relapse, babe. CRAIG Yeah. Okay. CRAIG Relapse? BRIAN Yes. CRAIG Brian, I have-- I have not been drinking. You've been drinking. BRIAN Okay. BRIAN I called Sam at Cheremoya House. She has a bed for you waiting when we get back. What do you say? CRAIG I say no. I'm not going back to rehab. I'm not-- I haven't been drinking, Brian. I am not drunk. BRIAN Play this out. This keeps going, what-- what-- what happens next? It's a downward spiral. CRAIG No. This is a downward spiral. CRAIG CRAIG Oh, my... Oh, my God. Craig. CRAIG I need some help here! CRAIG Rob, I'm telling you, this-- It's not what you think. You never listen to me, Robert. CAPTAIN MASSEY I know, but in my defense your whole life I felt like I've had to be your brother, and your father, and your drill sergeant, all wrapped into one. But that all changes today. CAPTAIN MASSEY Today, I'm your sober buddy for the rest of this cruise. And I'm here to listen, not judge. CRAIG Okay, then listen to this. I swear to you I was not drinking. CAPTAIN MASSEY Okay. Let's wait for the results from the doc. CRAIG Okay. CAPTAIN MASSEY All right. CRAIG Yeah. MAX I have the results right here. The first thing that we did is run a blood test. MAX Are you okay with me reading the results? CRAIG Yeah. Yeah, I'm not drinking, man. MAX Your blood alcohol content is way over the limit. You're 0.12. So, I'm sorry, but you, my friend, are intoxicated. CRAIG No. CRAIG Robbie, I swear to you I'm not drinking. There's something wrong. I beg of you. I'm not lying to you. You gotta help me. Uh-- It's something else. CAPTAIN MASSEY Doctor, Riley, Brian, come with me. TRISTAN Okay. This may sting. CAPTAIN MASSEY Your key, please. BRIAN Yep. BRIAN So, we're looking for drugs, or hidden bottles of minibar booze. CAPTAIN MASSEY Hey, uh, grab his dopp kit. CAPTAIN MASSEY Uh, Doctor, I think that there is a policy in medicine that says when a patient tells you something-- MAX Believe them. CAPTAIN MASSEY All right. So, we're gonna go on a little fact-finding tour here and see if anything makes sense. MAX PPI's. BRIAN It's for acid reflux. CAPTAIN MASSEY Yeah, he's had it since he was a kid. MAX I wanna run a hydrogen breath test. TRISTAN Holy. Wow. I've read about this, but I've never actually seen it before. MAX This class of drug, PPI's reduces stomach acids, but in rare cases over time, it can lead to a condition called auto-brewery syndrome. BRIAN Auto-brewery? MAX Yes. MAX Essentially, the sugars in your blood get converted into ethyl alcohol which causes the patient to become drunk. CAPTAIN MASSEY Drunk without drinking. Leave it to my brother to find a loophole. RILEY Talk about a freelapse. RILEY So, what's the treatment? MAX It's quite simple actually. We just need to flush his system out with an IV, pump him full of nutrients, electrolytes, and antifungals. CAPTAIN MASSEY Good news. MAX Yeah. CRAIG Thank you for believing me. CAPTAIN MASSEY Brother, I got your back ever since you were little and forever. It's my job. CRAIG Hmm. RILEY Damn it. BRIAN What? RILEY Why can't I have a cool brother who supports me through everything and wears cool, white shoes after Labor Day? CRAIG We can't all win the brother lottery. BRIAN It's true. The shoes are really good. CAPTAIN MASSEY I'm grateful for you guys. It takes a village with this one. CAPTAIN MASSEY Love you. CRAIG I hate your shoes. MAX I'm prescribing you this H2 blocker. It should temper the stomach acid without affecting your microbiota. And as far as your blood alcohol content is concerned, you, my friend, are sober as a judge. MAX How you feel? CRAIG Physically, I feel good. MAX Hmm. And emotionally? Spiritually? CRAIG I used to live a life that was, uh, a special kind of hellish existence. You know, people assume that you get sober because you don't want that life anymore. But to tell you the truth, it finally dawned on me that I want that life too much, and part of me will always want it. MAX Hmm. CRAIG I love that I had some fun. But, by the grace of God, a bigger part of me wants this life. I am so full of gratitude. I thank you, Doctor. And I'm ready to, uh... ready to pick up where I left off. MAX Well, I think where you left off was at the top of our waterslide which, thankfully, is a thrill with no side effects. CRAIG I got two boyfriends, that's thrilling enough. CRAIG A little guy, a big guy. AVERY Hey. TRISTAN Oh, hey. AVERY Did you have your talk with Max yet? TRISTAN Uh, I, uh-- I actually don't wanna, uh, do this now, please. AVERY Oh. Come on. Come on. We all hooked up. If we're mature enough to make that decision, we're mature enough to have a conversation about it. I'll just go talk to him. TRISTAN No, no, no! Av-Aves, stop! Please. I don't wanna do this. Uh, I-I don't mean the communicating part, I mean the doing it part. I don't wanna do this. TRISTAN Us. Okay. TRISTAN When I was a kid, my two favorite foods were chicken tikka masala and crisps. Potato chips. And, uh, one day, I went into the corner shop and I saw that they were making a tikka masala flavored crisp. TRISTAN And, well, my mind was blown because they were so good. And every day after school, I would-- I'd buy a big bag, you know. And I'd tell myself, "I'm just gonna have a couple. I'm not gonna have the whole thing." TRISTAN And then every day I would go absolutely mad. I'd gorge myself. I'd make myself sick. AVERY Am I supposed to be the potato chips in this story? TRISTAN Cap's brother is right. There are things in this world that are so good. You can't just have a taste. TRISTAN Uh-- I love you. Aves, I am in love with you. But I can't share you. It's gotta be all or nothing. I thought I could do it. I really did. I'm sorry, but it turns out I can't. It's making me sick. MAX Everything good out here? AVERY Yeah. Tristan was just telling me about these tikka masala flavored potato chip that they make in the UK. TRISTAN Mm-hmm. Yeah. TRISTAN Out of this world. CRAIG Thanks for this trip. It was beautiful. RILEY I still never had the lobster. CRAIG Guess you missed out. MARCO Babe, you want a mimosa? MARK I'm off orange food and drink for a while. MARCO Suit yourself. MARCO Jared, don't make me drink alone. JARED Uh, I probably shouldn't. JARED Ah. What the heck. MARCO Hmm. JARED Cheers. To new friends. MARCO Mmm. MARK And to not dying. JARED Oh. KACEY Cheers. MARSHA DPENGUINS Y'all, I have come out two times in my gay and glorious life. First, as a queen. MARSHA DPENGUINS Second, as a drag queen. And tonight, I'm coming out for a third time as a bald-ass drag queen. KACEY Oh, wow. JARED I know. KACEY My water just broke. JARED Baby. Oh, we're having a baby. Uh, we're having a baby. We're having a baby. JARED Hi! Yeah, we-we're having a baby. AVERY All right. Deep breaths in and out. That's good. What's your name? AVERY Guys, get her arms. KACEY Kacey. AVERY Kacey, I'm Nurse Avery. We've got Doctor Max here. We've got Nurse Tristan here as well. KACEY Okay. KACEY She's coming now! AVERY All right. We're ready for her. JARED Just breathe, okay? MAX You are nine centimeters dilated, and the cervix is fully effaced. Everything looks great. Whenever you're ready. KACEY Okay. TRISTAN Perfect. You're doing great, Kacey. AVERY Really great. Keep pushing. AVERY Good job, mama.