ALL ALVIN ANDY ANNETTE BASKETBALL_CROWD BILL BLAKE CHRIS CLIPPERS CREWMEMBERS DANIEL DAVID DEANDRE DEJA DOC DONALD FEMALE_ASSISTANT FEMALE_AUTOMATED_PHONE_VOICE FEMALE_AUTOMATED_VOICE FEMALE_CLERK FEMALE_CREWMEMBER FEMALE_GUEST FEMALE_GUESTS FEMALE_KARAOKE_SINGER FEMALE_OFFICE_WORKER FEMALE_PATRON FEMALE_RADIO_HOST FEMALE_REALTOR FEMALE_SERVER FEMALE_SHOPPER GARY JADA JAMAL JJ JUSTINE KRISTEN KRIS_JENNER LEVAR_BURTON LOBBY_CROWD LUCY MALE_COMMENTATOR MALE_DENTIST MALE_DRIVER MALE_DRIVER MALE_GUEST MALE_NEWSCASTER MALE_PATRON MALE_PODIATRIST MALE_PROCESS_SERVER MALE_RED_BULL_MANAGER MALE_REPORTER MALE_SAUNA_GUEST MALE_SEASON_TICKET_HOLDER MALE_SPORTS_ANNOUNCER MARILYN_MONROE_IMPERSONATOR MATT NANCY NEIGHBORHOOD_RESIDENTS OFFICE_CROWD PARTY_CROWD PARTY_GUESTS PEDESTRIANS PLAYER REPORTERS RESTAURANT_CROWD SANDY SETH SHARON SHELLY SPORTS_BROADCAST STADIUM STORE_CROWD TY VEE WAITER VEE Mr. Sterling always says, "Some teams sell success. The Clippers sell hope." What he means is we usually lose. He says a lot of things he shouldn't. DONALD Who makes the game? Do I make the game, or do they make the game? DONALD I give them food, and clothes, and cars, and houses. VEE VIPs are like that. SPORTS BROADCAST DONALD Hello? ANDY Mr. Sterling, it's out. VEE They think they're surrounded by nobodies. DONALD What do you mean it's out? What's out? ANDY Uh, the recording of you and VEE. VEE But most of the big stars started out as nobodies. VEE Michael Jordan was cut from his high school basketball team. SETH Coach. VEE Einstein was expelled. SETH It's the tape. It's out. VEE And they got big in the olden days. VEE Now, anyone can blow up in an instant. VEE So the dangerous thing about disrespecting a nobody, especially one with big, big potential like me... MALE NEWSCASTER The owner of the Los Angeles Clippers is facing controversy tonight over racist comments he made in an audio leaked to TMZ. SHELLY VEE I'm listening. MALE DRIVER Clippers offices? Sure you don't wanna circle around at departures, fuck off back to Boston? FEMALE AUTOMATED VOICE Welcome to Los Angeles. DOC Come find me at Staples so I can enjoy the abject shock on your face when the Clippers bring home a title this season. MALE DRIVER O-Okay, we'll see. DOC Yeah. MALE DRIVER Hey, I am just messing with you, man. You're a legend. It's an honor to squire the great Doc Rivers into L.A. in my Prius. DOC Thanks, man. MALE DRIVEEER Hey, can I ask you a very, very personal question, off the record? DOC Yeah. MALE DRIVER Why did a championship coach like you take a job with the dog-shittiest team in sports? DOC I like a challenge. FEMALE RADIO HOST Remember last winter's spooky story of a body found in a hotel water tower? Well, the L.A. County coroner finally released the cause of death today: accidental drowning. And another fabulous day at the beaches, a high of 82-- ANDY Our fearless leader! DOC Andy. ANDY Sorry, they forgot to get a car to LAX for you, Doc. DOC ANDY Interns. Um, so the press conference isn't until this afternoon, so what can we get you to eat for lunch? LOBBY CROWD ANDY Sushi, Indian, Indian-sushi fusion? DOC Get me a bento box. ANDY Right. FEMALE ASSISTANT Um, Mr. Roeser... ANDY Ah! Apparently, we ordered a deli platter. Deli platter okay? OFFICE CROWD ANDY You know Gary Sacks, right? The Sack Attack. EVEEP of player personnel and a 19-year vet. GARY Glad to have you back, Coach. DOC Yeah, thanks. ANDY Uh, okay, uh, Digital. HR. Uh... Oh! And if it, uh, breaks, beeps or freezes, your eggheads in IT. And here's King Egghead right here. Sandy, how long you been with us? SANDY Twenty-five years, Mr. Roeser. ANDY Twenty-five years. Uh... Oh! Your wordsmiths in Communications: Seth Burton, VEEP. SETH Coach, I'm Seth. I, uh, I enjoy Scandinavian crime fiction. I've been here-- DOC Seth, let me interrupt you. So, 43 years as a franchise and the Clippers have never won a championship, ever. How many times have you made it the second round of the playoffs? Just the second round? SETH Two-- U-Uh, twice. DOC Ha! That's crazy. No offense, but you guys are the worst organization in sports. You're not here to retire with a gold watch. You're here to win. So why the fuck are you talking to me about longevity when you haven't won anything? Makes me very uncomfortable. We are going to win a championship this year and it will change your life. DONALD Where's my favorite coach? Doc! DOC Donald. DONALD Bet you're glad you're out of Boston, huh? ANDY DOC I love Boston. DONALD Did Doc tell you when he used to play for me? Well, you were here, Sandy, minus about 20 pounds of ya. DOC Listen, Donald, I'd like to get into some personnel issues. DONALD Go ahead. Andy, uh, you wanna... ANDY Oh yeah. Oh, come on. Back to work. FEMALE OFFICE WORKER Yeah, let's double check the rosters. DONALD Eh, still not one for small talk. OFFICE CROWD DOC I wanna make a play for JJ Redick. He's got two offers already so we'll have to spend $30 million for four years. DONALD Uh, who is this, JJ? I mean, where's he from? DOC Free agent out of Milwaukee. He's the shooter we need. ANDY My sources say JJ's signing with Minnesota, and Chris Paul already broke the piggy bank. Uh, he's very hard to please. DOC Did your sources also tell you Chris is our team captain? Look, we can afford Redick. What we can't afford is to get bounced out of the playoffs again in the first round. DONALD Okay, Doc. Okay. My coach knows best. Look at you. Is that Havarti? Mm. Help yourself too, sweetie. VEE Are you trading DeAndre Jordan? DOC Excuse me? DONALD This is VEE, my assistant. VEE I heard the last coach wanted to. He's expensive and he can't shoot. DOC Well, the last coach got fired. DeAndre's gonna be the best defender in the league, and personnel decisions are none of your damn business... VEE. ANDY Mm. Yep, um, Doc, let's, uh, let's get you fitted with a Clippers polo. First day, so don't feel bad, but, uh, Mr. Sterling gets upset when people don't call him Mr. Sterling. DOC Well, I'll call him Mr. Sterling when he calls me Mr. Rivers. ANDY Where are you going? DOC Bringing JJ to L.A. RESTAURANT CROWD JJ Is Sterling gonna freak if I order an entr�e? DOC Come on. JJ When you played for the Clippers, did you have to buy your own socks? DOC No. JJ I read one time Sterling tried to fire the trainer and get the coach to tape up the players. I read he likes losing. His philosophy being people come to the games either way and he doesn't have to spend on salary. DOC You look at the Internet a lot. Well, I'm not cheap, and I'm not going to tape up your ankles. JJ DOC We'll match any offer, including the socks. JJ, you're the perimeter shooter I need. You'll be a full-time starter, and we are winning a title. JJ I'm down the road with Minnesota. DOC Yeah, but are you the missing ingredient to a championship team in Minnesota? REPORTERS MALE REPORTER Coach! Coach! Coach! DOC Thanks, ladies and gentlemen. Thanks, ladies and gentlemen. Bill, what do you got for me? BILL Doc, any truth to the rumor that you're on the VEEerge of closing a deal with JJ Redick? REPORTERS FEMALE AUTOMATED VOICE The white zone is for loading and unloading... DOC Andy. ANDY Happy Fourth. Plans with the family? DOC Yeah, just got back to Orlando. Kids are in town. DOC My wife invited-- Wait, why are you calling me? DONALD Hello? DOC DONALD Hello, Andy? DOC It's Doc too, Donald. ANDY Mr. Sterling, I told Doc you changed your mind on JJ, and he's-- he does-- DOC What's going on, Donald? DONALD I've been talking to people, and they don't like JJ DOC What people? Your dry cleaner? DONALD That's funny. He'll find another home. GARY Mr. Sterling, the other teams in play for JJ filled their slots. DONALD Is that Gary? Gary, if you say one more fucking word, you're fired. DOC What have these people been telling you about JJ, Donald? DONALD He's White. I didn't know he was White. ANDY DOC What the fuck? What does him being White have anything to do with it? DONALD DOC What is that? Are you just making a sound? ANDY The offer to JJ isn't papered yet, so legally we should be covered. GARY We can't take back a verbal offer. It's bad for the team's reputation. DONALD Gary, get off the call! You're fired. DOC If we renege on JJ now, Donald, we'll never get another free agent again. DONALD Doc, Doc, Doc, don't worry about that. I have a good reputation. DOC No, I have a reputation. DONALD What's your reputation? I'm the one. Everyone loves me. DOC No, they don't. DONALD Excuse me? Who are you talking to, you fucking brat? I'm your owner. DOC You're not my owner because I quit. DONALD Quiet! You're on a choke chain, you-- DOC ANDY Okay, good talk. JJ's approved. DOC What the fuck, Andy? ANDY Hey, look, I know people think Mr. Sterling's some kind of joke-- he wears socks and sandals, I get it-- but he built an empire; maybe he deserves some respect? Anyways, don't make plans for Labor Day. We'll see you at his white party. DOC His what? MARILYN MONROE IMPERSONATOR When it's hot like this, I put my undies in the ice box and drink a cold Clippertini, courtesy of Donald T. Sterling. PARTY CROWD PARTY CROWD DOC It's a beautiful home. SHELLY Aw, we'd love to get you into a condo until your family can join you from Florida. Donald and I own 150 properties around town: hotels, a Malibu yacht club, half the apartments in Beverly Hills. We know everybody in real estate. Or if you need a decorating eye or a housekeeper, I find them for a lot of the wives. DOC very kind of you, Shelly. very kind. SHELLY Yeah, think about it. DOC All right. SHELLY Come on, Doc. PARTY CROWD SHELLY Our little way to kick off the season. DOC Where's Donald? SHELLY I'll go find him. Don't be shy. ANDY Natural light, am I right? Uh, these-these both looked white at home. DONALD Let's give a big hand to the fabulous Clippers and America! USA! PARTY CROWD DONALD Let's give a big hand to one of the finest athletes ever, the leader of this team, el hombre himself, Blake Griffin. PARTY CROWD FEMALE GUEST #1 I love you, Blake! Woo! DONALD And our fabulous new coach. You're going to fall in love with him. Let's hear it for Doc Rivers. PARTY CROWD MALE GUEST #1 Yeah, Doc! DEANDRE Come on, Coach! DONALD DOC Thank you, Donald. Thank you, Shelly. PARTY CROWD FEMALE GUEST #2 Have you two meet? FEMALE GUEST #3 Yeah. FEMALE GUEST #4 MALE GUEST #2 All right! MARILYN MONROE IMPERSONATOR MALE SEASON TICKET HOLDER Ubuntu. DOC Ubuntu. MALE SEASON TICKET HOLDER Your motto with the Celtics. DOC Yeah. MALE SEASON TICKET HOLDER "I am great through others." MALE GUEST #3 Hey! �Como estas? You're a happy boy, aren't you. MALE SEASON TICKET HOLDER I use it at corporate retreats; a game changer. DOC It is. It is. MALE SEASON TICKET HOLDER Yeah. SHELLY Bad boy! Hogging Blake all to yourself. DONALD I see a lot of pretty girls around here, Blake. You're pretty too, honey. SHELLY Aw. DONALD/SHELLY DONALD Come, come, come, come, come. This is our star, Blake Griffin. BLAKE Hey. MALE GUEST #4 How're you doing, sir? FEMALE GUEST #5 Oh, needs no introduction. BLAKE FEMALE GUEST #5 Hello, Blake. BLAKE Good to meet you. Good to meet you. FEMALE GUEST #5 You look younger in person. Um, yummy. Am I drooling? CHRIS You're hardcore Type-A, right? JJ Yeah. Got an obsessive personality. You don't want see my closet. CHRIS Not a hair out of place. That's the type of energy we need on this team. Look. L-Look at DeAndre. Two cosmos and a smile. JJ CHRIS You ain't gon' see me smile till we win. DOC One of you guys wanna tap Blake out? FEMALE GUEST #5 You're a star! DONALD Yes, he is! CHRIS Coach, you don't get led by the hand unless you want to be led by the hand, you feel me? DOC Don, come meet JJ. Over here with Chris. DONALD JJ, I am so happy that you're joining us. And are you gonna smile, finally, now that you have your coach? DOC That's called a game face, Donald. DONALD And why aren't your boys talking to all these beautiful girls? CHRIS 'Cause I love my wife. DOC Thank you. WAITER Mm. DOC Are you all right with Donald showing you off in front of folks like this? BLAKE Yeah. I don't know. When he does it, I just kind of pretend like my hand is somebody else's hand and drift away a little bit. DOC Mm-hmm. Any pre-existing tension on the team I need to know about? BLAKE Nobody can stand the sound of Chris' voice, but all the players agree with me about it so I wouldn't say it's a problem. DOC Okay. ANDY Doc, it is a privilege to watch you mingle. DOC I knew we were gonna have a Donald problem, but Blake and Chris? GARY Oh yeah. No, they hate each other. ANDY Oh yeah. DOC SHELLY Keep the energy up and push the drink. We over-ordered on the gin. Hang on, honey. There. Oh, not so much broccoli, honey. It sticks in your teeth. Hmm? MALE GUEST #5 So sorry we're late, Shelly. SHELLY You're not late at all. PARTY CROWD FEMALE KARAOKE SINGER " Stepping in a rhythm to a Kurtis Blow Who needs to think when your feet just go Hip and a hop and a hippity-hop" SHARON Are you even watching what's happening with this Obamacare mess? What's next, free facelifts? SHELLY It's the rise of the takers. We're falling behind in the world in innovation, in science... JUSTINE In space. SHELLY In space! These people, they don't make anything. They don't grow our economy. They just sit around watching the Kardashians, and they say, "Oh gee! Look at those girls." VEE I was just thinking that! FEMALE SERVER Yeah! FEMALE GUEST #6 Come dance with us! SHELLY They haven't worked a day, and they have this lifestyle. JUSTINE SHELLY But you can't just show up and say, "Gimme." VEE Oh my God, it's the Electric Slide. FEMALE GUEST #6 Come on! FEMALE GUESTS SHELLY Let's just not look. NANCY If that's a personal assistant, I'm Tinkerbell. Where did Donald even meet her? SHARON Donald's city council friend called and said, "There's a beautiful mixed-race girl in jail with no one to bail her out," and I thought he'd find it very interesting. SHELLY They met at a Super Bowl party. NANCY Let me set her straight. JUSTINE The problem is Donald following his little captain. SHELLY JUSTINE I fermented a tea, I'll bring it to you tomorrow. PARTY CROWD SHELLY Oh. JUSTINE It's hibiscus. SHELLY VEE, honey! Thank you for coming. And thank you for helping Donald these past few years, driving him around and all that. VEE Don't worry about it. SHELLY You know, our lifestyle can be a lot of fun, but the white party, that's work too. Donald likes to be the first in the conga line, so to speak, uh, but he counts on us to maintain a certain image. Do you know what I mean? VEE Definitely. I'VEEe been helping Mr. Sterling a lot with his image. SHELLY Right. What do you mean? VEE He speaks from the heart. That's what we love about him, right? But, we're working on his consistency. DONALD There's my hostess with the mostest. Fabulous, honey. SHELLY How can VEE afford a Ferrari? And why is it red? DONALD I don't know. I mean, she owns some cars. She traded them. Now, there's a Ferrari. Why do you care? You wanted her to have nice things. SHELLY I said if she's going to be your assistant, she can't dress like a hoochie. I don't like the way she looks at you. Whatever she does for you, fine. But why... why show off in front of our friends, our team? I'm curious. DONALD If you're so curious, ask her. SHELLY I did. She said she's working on your consistency. DONALD Oh. Right. SHELLY Well, what on earth does that mean? DONALD I'm forgetful, you know that. She keeps a record. FEMALE GUEST #7 No way! Where is it? DONALD An audio record. MALE GUEST #6 It's over here. SHELLY She's taping you? DONALD Honey, I hate driving to Beverly Hills at night. I need to go home. I've been standing all day. My foot is hurting. I'll tell VEE to look at me differently, okay? DONALD Did you have fun? VEE Yeah. Did you? DONALD Yes. VEE Seatbelt. SHELLY DOC Hey Ty, what time am I sitting down with Blake and Chris? TY You aren't. DOC Oh, fuck. TY Blake's shooting a Kia commercial. Chris has one for State Farm. DOC TY You know, where his twin sells insurance? How do they come up with those? You want to go to them? SHELLY What's going on at North Rodeo? ANNETTE The tenant with the reptiles? ANNETTE Oh, she says her asthma's acting up because of mold. SHELLY Mold? SHELLY It's probably her turtle. I want a happy building. Let's help her relocate. Offer her place to Ms. Kwon and charge the turtle woman for new carpet. DONALD My bride. VEE Oh hi, Mrs. Sterling. We're going down to parking. SHELLY Where are you off to? DONALD Uh-- VEE Um, Mr. Sterling has the dentist, and then we're visiting grant candidates for the Sterling Foundation: Homeless Rising, Para Los Ni�os. SHELLY Those sound very far east. We have Nobu with the Lasordas this afternoon. DONALD Thank you for reminding me. I love, I love, I love my calendar girl. VEE This elevator wants to go down. VEE Hey, can you do pick-up and take the boys to baseball? Mr. Sterling's taking forever. LUCY I'm still at work. I can't get to the school and the post office. PEDESTRIANS LUCY I'll get the transfer application tomorrow. VEE Due means due. The transfer application has to go in today. LUCY Ay, hermana. Ugh, maybe we keep the kids where they are. It's better not to change their routine. You might not get the duplex anyway. VEE Just get the transcripts, Lucy, and the teacher references. We're going to meet the realtor now. I'll make sure we can use the address. DONALD No ticket. Good girl. VEE Why was it two hours? I thought it was only a cleaning. DONALD Cracked filling, he said. Oh, he drilled through my very soul. VEE Should we go straight to the open house? DONALD What open house? VEE The duplex near the Beverly Center, remember? The one with the white fireplace. DONALD We don't have time for that. J-- Go to Sunset. Go. VEE I don't see why we have time for this and not the open house. DONALD If you were punctual this morning, we wouldn't be in a crunch. We'll go next Tuesday. VEE They're taking offers this week. DONALD What do you want me to do, stop time? VEE Fine, I'll go without you. DONALD You like showing off a little backside, don't you? Turn around, show me. Is this the one we got at the Champ-Elysees? VEE We got it on Canon. DONALD What do you need a house for anyway? You spend all your time at my place. VEE By myself, while you go off to Mrs. Sterling's. DONALD You're mad 'cause I'm eating with her, huh? VEE Why don't we ever do that? Go out with Tommy Lasorda? DONALD You want to go out with Tommy Lasorda? Okay, okay, here. Gimme my phone. ANDY Mr. Sterling. DONALD Andy, get me two of the best tickets for the Dodgers game, plus car service. ANDY Sure thing. And where did you-- DONALD Okay, I'll go say hi to Tommy, I'll come back and pick you up. We'll miss an inning, so what? You happy? VEE NEIGHBORHOOD RESIDENTS FEMALE REALTOR Is your husband meeting you this time? VEE Oh, business in Dubai. What do you know about Hancock Park Elementary? FEMALE REALTOR Well, Redfin rates it a seven, so for LAUSD, it may as well be Juilliard, right? VEE FEMALE REALTOR But, uh, most people do private. Are you planning a family? VEE We have foster kids we're in the process of adopting. Two boys. FEMALE REALTOR Hmm. Oh, well, let me know if you have questions. VEE Thanks. BLAKE Honestly, I'm hurt. CREWMEMBERS BLAKE Chris comes out from New Orleans, and suddenly it's his team? What has he done to earn it? I mean, when I got drafted, this team was a joke. Like, fans were going home at halftime because they knew we'd lose. Nobody had expectations for us. CHRIS I'm a leader because I'm the best. And I'm the best because God gave me the tools to achieve. Eat the cookies last, baby. Okay? Eat five more of them carrots and then you can have the cookie. BLAKE I put us on the map, I put in the hard hours. CHRIS I know in Boston you had the whole Ubuntu thing, "I'm great through others," and I'm with that. And I'm trying to teach these guys how to succeed even when they don't want to hear me out, but Blake only cares about Blake being great. BLAKE I'm the only reason that we have any chance of winning this thing. DOC "Me, me, me." That's all I hear. DOC It's really unbecoming, man. BLAKE DOC Chris can't shut up, that's his style. What's it got to do with you? DOC His team, your team. Uh-uh, it's our team. You keep bitching with your little State Farm mustache, we damn sure won't go the distance. You wanna be a leader, you better stop talking smack. DOC Nobody's gonna love you less because Chris is captain. BLAKE DOC Now, go get ready for your close-up. FEMALE CREWMEMBER Yeah, get him on the walkie! BLAKE All right, Coach. CHRIS I hear you, Coach. DOC Okay. CHRIS Stop staring at my mustache, man. Huh. DEANDRE Check out this dude's eyes. DEANDRE That's the wisdom of the Jurassic right there. BLAKE Okay, but how are you gonna take that dinosaur on the road? You need something little, like this. DEANDRE Fuck a gecko. Chinese water dragon is the bonsai tree of the reptile world. Helps focus the mind and tune out all that other bullshit. BLAKE Doc say that shit to you too, lecturing about your free throws? DEANDRE He ain't lecture me. He said if I focus, I could be a star in my role. BLAKE So, I get a beat down, you get a pep talk? DEANDRE You wanna help me get centered, little buddy? KRIS JENNER You have the biggest heart and I love you so much, and you are so strong. You take such an incredible amount of shit from everyone. PARTY GUESTS KRIS JENNER And you wake up every day with a smile, and I know you're gonna make the most amazing mother... VEE Hey. ANDY VEE, it's Andy. Mr. Sterling unfortunately can't join you for the game tonight but if you're still waiting at his house-- KRIS JENNER This is-- All these people are here because you are so loved. We celebrate you, Kim. PARTY GUESTS KRIS JENNER Congratulations. VEE I hate baseball. You can't see anyone's faces. DEJA At least he got us car service. So is he not buying you the duplex? VEE He says he needs to see it first. DEJA Yeah, that's a no. VEE Deja, he didn't say no. STADIUM P.A. ANNOUNCER DEJA Nobody in L.A. says no. They go, "Let's keep talking" or they just ghost. VEE I promised my sister the upper unit so she can help with the kids. It's a good school district. DEJA Damn girl, I hope you didn't tell him all that. My experience with these men, they get horny off the sexy things money can buy. DEJA Your foster kids' education? Kind of a boner jam. VEE Well, I don't know what to do. I have no credit. Everything he gives me is gifts. I need a financial advisor. DEJA Mm! Magic Johnson is over there. What a cutie. VEE How come famous people glow like that? DEJA Usually, it's not happiness. VEE Donald hates him. DEJA Hates Magic? Why? That's like hating ice cream. VEE I don't know, he's a Laker. He's Black and successful. DEJA Daddy is insecure. If I were you, I'd use that to my advantage. MALE SPORTS ANNOUNCER Again, this Saturday is viva Los Dodgers Day. Come out for food and live music-- DONALD Ah. Ah. MALE DENTIST We had the soft food conversation, Donald. You bite down wrong, even a Dodger Dog can knock out a temp. DONALD What Dodger Dog? MALE DENTIST Weren't you at the game last night? DONALD MALE DENTIST I figured you introduced your assistant to Magic. Here. VEE and I follow each other. MALE DENTIST Check out Magic. He's got a chick on each arm. So cool. DONALD Why would you do that? Are you stupid or something? You want to broadcast to the world that you walk around with a man like that? VEE I'm not broadcasting anything! DONALD Then why are you taking pictures with minorities? Why? You told me you were going to remove those. You said "Yes, I understand you." VEE DONALD I mean, you change from day to day. If my girl can't do what I want, I don't want the girl. DOC Thanks. FEMALE AUTOMATED PHONE VOICE You have three new voicemails. KRISTEN Hey, we keep missing each other. I had a late meeting at Spencer's school. Nothing you need to know. DONALD Doc, hello? I-I didn't hear a beep. Uh, listen. Chris, uh, he's always whining to the refs. Shake it off and play the game. You'll tell him in a way that he'll understand. Oh, brother, did you see Rihanna at the game last night? No bra, nipple piercings on full display. DONALD Why do girls do that? Don't they lose all the fabulous sensation? LEVAR BURTON DOC Levar Burton? LEVAR BURTON DOC I didn't realize you lived here. LEVAR BURTON In the sauna? DOC In L.A. DOC/LEVAR BURTON LEVAR BURTON You know the Enterprise isn't real, right? And I'm-I'm not actually blind. DOC All right. LEVAR BURTON DOC All right. LEVAR BURTON It's all good. All good. DOC Ah. Mm. LEVAR BURTON You know, I-I, I hope you don't mind my saying so, but I'm kinda surprised you came here. DOC Yeah, a lot of people were. Just feels different than I thought it would. Played for the Clippers back in '91 under Donald Sterling. Don't know how much you know about him. I knew it was fucked up here. I just didn't know I was inheriting a team of whiny little bitches. I guess that's got something to do with Donald playing favorites. LEVAR BURTON But you thought you could come back and win a crown for the clown? DOC As a returning conqueror, yeah. And maybe I deluded myself a little bit. Oh, I had it so good in Boston. It's one of the best organizations in sports, everybody knows that... and that's the problem. Winning there didn't feel like enough. LEVAR BURTON What is enough? Hmm. VEE I'm sorry, honey. DONALD I'm sorry, too. So, this is about your apartment, right? VEE It's a duplex. DONALD Excuse me, two apartments. So you wanna punish me 'cause I didn't go to your stupid open house. VEE You can't be anyone in L.A. if you don't own a piece of it. You taught me that. DONALD Is that so, my eager pupil? You're my girl, I give you the whole city. DONALD Oh, that's good. VEE DANIEL Oh-ho-ho. This is my Pok�mon drawer. VEE DAVID Can we have the upstairs? VEE Well, the upstairs is for Lucy for now but if you get straight A's for the next 10 years, it's all yours. DAVID Ten years? In 10 years, I'll be a celebrity chef. FEMALE REALTOR Ooh. VEE Ooh! FEMALE REALTOR Just... VEE Okay, yeah. FEMALE REALTOR Congratulations, Miss Stiviano. You're a homeowner. VEE Thank you. CLIPPERS DOC Folks gave me shit for taking this job. You Google yourselves, they make fun of you too. DOC Only six percent of the people in this city say the Clippers are their favorite team, and even they've been watching our every move this season, waiting for us to crush their dreams again. BLAKE DOC This franchise has never even made it to the Western finals. DOC That means there is historical significance to what we are doing here. This season, we're making winning look easy, but it's not. From tip off, every second counts! CLIPPERS Yeah. DOC We stay in that headspace, nothing can stop us from winning a ring. I know, people say the franchise is cursed. There's no magic power to defeat. All it is, we got a bad boss. DOC It's no secret. Donald is like a norovirus on a cruise ship, making everybody sick. Taking personnel advice from some loudmouth on the street. MALE REPORTER #1 Over here! DOC Tossing off retrograde nonsense that'd get the rest of us fired on the spot. BASKETBALL CROWD DOC Incompetent leadership like that doesn't exactly inspire team spirit. BLAKE What're you doing, bro? CHRIS Move fool! DOC For 30 years, it's been impossible for this franchise to budge under the weight of that man. But our team is different, you can feel it. CLIPPERS Clips! DOC A Cinderella story in the making with no fairy godmother. CLIPPERS DOC We're earning our ticket to the ball. DOC We're ignoring the shit talk. We embrace mind-numbing repetition. That's why we're successful. Life will be boring but that's good 'cause there's a lot of road before the playoffs, and a thousand people are gonna rattle your cage. MALE SAUNA GUEST DOC They cannot change your result. MALE SAUNA GUEST DOC Our owner cannot change your result. MALE SAUNA GUEST DOC We have to stay perfect, and I'm talking about Obama perfect. BASKETBALL CROWD VEE Yes! Yes! Woo! MALE COMMENTATOR #1 The love, the cheer. Oh, this young team is fast becoming a title favorite. SHELLY Andy, where's VEE sitting tomorrow? ANDY Courtside, with you and Mr. Sterling. SHELLY Can't you put her somewhere else? BASKETBALL CROWD DEJA Girl, if I'd known you were gonna bring me all the way up here, I would've brought my glasses. ANDY Oh, luxury box. Pretty exclusive, huh? VEE So is solitary confinement. BASKETBALL CROWD REPORTERS BILL Shelly. Bill from KT-- JADA The family room has gotten crazy. BILL Great game tonight. JADA All us wives been upset about it. Half the people in there I don't know. SHELLY They're just season ticket holders, honey. When you're winning, everybody wants to be near you. JADA At least there's no groupies in the press room. VEE Oh, this momentum, right? It's amazing. JADA VEE I like your purse. JADA Thank you. I like yours, too. VEE Thanks. I've been wanting one in white. Mr. Sterling gave it to me. JADA Huh. Hmm. DONALD You can't go in the press room. VEE Shelly goes into the press room. DONALD Don't be stupid. Who cares about going in the press room anyway? You wanna talk to reporters? They're a parasite class. VEE You've had other girls. I need to know I'm different. Part of your life for real. Part of your team. DONALD Jesus Christ. VEE I don't have anything else. I don't have time to work on a plan B because I'm always with you. MALE PODIATRIST Bergamot hand soap. Nice. You been wearing your orthotics? DONALD Have you? MALE PODIATRIST VEE I refuse to be with a man that's ashamed to be seen with me. I can go back to school. I had two food trucks when we met. I'm entrepreneurial. MALE PODIATRIST Just a pinch. VEE I may have to struggle but... DONALD VEE Oh, honey. It's okay. Does that hurt? MALE PODIATRIST Oh, no. Stimulates the nerves. DONALD Good. Well now, you can get the fuck out of here. VEE. I can't stand the thought of you near a food truck. Alright, you're gorgeous. How could you say I'm ashamed of you? I love you. Of course, you're a part of my life. Silly rabbit. BASKETBALL CROWD VEE MALE COMMENTATOR #1 And a very happy birthday to the fabulous VEE. Stiviano, from her special friend D.T.S. DOC Just 'cause somebody's desperate for attention doesn't mean we give it to em. TY Yeah. DOC Right, Coach? TY Yeah. ALVIN Noted, Doc. DOC Okay. SHELLY Strutting the court in that green dress while our team is playing, really? VEE New dress. SHELLY My name is on that floor, Andy. ANDY Uh... Uh, apparently, it's her birthday and she only has one, thank God. Uh, but hey, at least we're winning. Hello? CLIPPERS DEANDRE Oh! MATT That's what I'm talking about. You see that green dress? What the fuck was that about? JJ Never seen somebody runway walk the court in an evening gown? BLAKE And this year's Oscar for nastiest side piece goes to... CLIPPERS JAMAL I wish I had tripped on it. Could've sued her for millions of dollars. CHRIS I ain't see no green dress but I did see DeAndre finally decide to put in some work. DEANDRE See what happens when you give your boy a shot? CLIPPERS CHRIS Excuse me? You wanna say that so the rest of the class can hear you? DEANDRE Sure. CLIPPERS DEANDRE Hi, I'm Chris Paul and I'm small, and even when people are successful, I make them feel bad about it. JAMAL My eardrums, bro. I got tinnitus. CLIPPERS CHRIS My name is DeAndre, and my best friends are Blake Griffin and a lizard. CLIPPERS DONALD Hello boys, having fun? I know we are because you're winners. JJ Who the fuck are these people? DONALD There you go. Come, come, come. There you go. Come. MATT Assholes. DONALD Come say hi. VEE I'll just wait here. DONALD What? You never snuck in into the little boys room before? They don't mind. It's a celebration. MATT You see this shit? DONALD Andy, come on, you're blocking the entrance. MALE PATRON #1 Great game, guys. That was amazing. DONALD Uh, having fun? Good. Uh, Blake, I want you to say hi to, uh, to Philip. He's by far the greatest oral surgeon around. And this is my assistant, VEE, with the beautiful, uh, birthday gown. VEE Hi. We're acquainted. DONALD Look at this guy. Look at this mug on this guy. This could be the next Antonio Banderas if he wasn't built from solid rock. JJ Antonio Banderas? JAMAL He thinks Blake's Latino. DONALD Look at DeAndre. JJ I know. DONALD Magnificent DeAndre. Now, what did they say about him when I drafted him? VEE Uh, they said he had a high bust potential. MATT The fuck do you know? DONALD Go ahead, Blake. Make 'em-- CHRIS Excuse me, this ain't the Statue of Liberty. Can I get some space, please? DONALD No, don't worry, they'll pixelate it. Here's a question. How long are your arms? Huh? What's-- What's your wingspan? DEANDRE Uh� um� this-- DONALD No, come on, you know what your wingspan is. You can speak. DOC What the fuck is that? A parade? DONALD Hey Doc, come on in. We're just here telling these guys how fabulous they were tonight. DOC Okay. Everybody out. PLAYER Doc! DOC Okay. Get this fucking woman out of-- DONALD Calm down. This is my fucking team. You don't-- You don't like it, stay in your office. DOC I'll calm down when you get the fuck outta here. DONALD Okay, Papa Bear. CLIPPERS VEE I told you we shouldn't. DOC Hey, Andy. ANDY What? DOC This is not a club. ANDY I know. DOC I have never seen anything like this in my life. AlVEEin. ALVIN Yeah. DOC Have security clear the hallway, please. ALVIN You got it, man. ANDY Doc, look, the season ticket holders are used to a certain amount of access. DOC Yeah, and I'm used to a certain amount of people acting fucking normal. ANDY Okay. MALE COMMENTATOR #2 It's the big Christmas day game. DONALD That's a flagrant foul, did you see that? SPORTS BROADCAST DONALD The green kid elbowed Blake right in the neck. Somebody should teach him how to behave. SHELLY Did you finish reading? DONALD No. Well, I'm on-- You give Blake a technical? You lousy... MALE COMMENTATOR #2 This is not the Christmas spirit. SHELLY Is that VEE? Tell her it's Christmas. Donald, you have to sign it before the kids get back from the movie. DONALD Told you I haven't finished reading it. SHELLY It's boilerplate language. A simple update to the family trust. DONALD Did you go to law school when I wasn't looking? The trust is fine. SHELLY We're getting older. I wanna make sure nobody can take advantage. DONALD You think Gladys has a long game? SHELLY Anyone, it could be anyone. DONALD And this anyone who wants to take advantage, what are they gonna do? SHELLY I can't imagine what they would do. Rob us blind? Put herself in our will. Would you please put that thing on silent? DONALD It's on silent! DONALD Wait a minute. Here. Here you go, Rochelle. Happy? What are you, a basket case? What do you want? SHELLY The jacket was a nice thought. Extra-large. STORE CROWD FEMALE CLERK So, size four. DEJA Crocodile? VEE I already have that one. SHELLY Excuse me. VEE Cute, right? DONALD Pink, Very nice. FEMALE CLERK Yeah. SHELLY One sec. DONALD I told you I like them all. VEE Really? DEJA Oh, incoming, incoming. SHELLY What are you doing? DONALD Hi, sweetie. How are you? VEE We're shopping for you. SHELLY I don't believe you. VEE I don't shop here. This store is for old ladies. DEJA FEMALE SHOPPER What'd she say? VEE I picked that jacket out for you. You didn't like it? SHELLY What gives you the right to spend our money? DONALD Shelly, don't make a scene. SHELLY You already made one. You look ridiculous, sitting there while these girls swipe your card. DEJA Nobody's swiping. VEE What Mr. Sterling gives me is a gift from the heart. SHELLY A gift from the heart? VEE Hmm. SHELLY A Ferrari is a gift from the heart? You're a thief, that's what you are. What would your mother think of you? VEE Don't talk about my mother, witch. DONALD VEE, don't call names. VEE She's the wicked witch of the west. SHELLY Are you just going to sit there while she threatens me? DONALD Can we go, okay? Let's go outside. VEE I don't need to threaten you. Mr. Sterling loves me. I'm going to be the next Mrs. Sterling. You're history. You're dust. RESTAURANT CROWD FEMALE PATRON #1 Unbelievable. FEMALE PATRON #2 Right? MALE PATRON #2 It's a spicy aioli. It's really good. SHELLY What in the world? JUSTINE/NANCY/SHARON When you're down and troubled SHELLY Oh! JUSTINE/NANCY/SHARON And you need some lovin' care SHELLY SHELLY He bought her a house. JUSTINE No! SHELLY He did. He did. I used a forensic, a forensic... I hired somebody to follow the money. He bought her a duplex. JUSTINE Is she going to be a landlord? SHARON My girlfriend lives on the same street. NANCY Yeah? SHELLY Uh-huh? SHARON It's a party house. NANCY Oh. SHELLY Oh. SHARON VEE has gang bangers over every night, playing loud music and laughing. NANCY JUSTINE But why is she called VEE? Is she a singer? SHARON It's an alias. She's had other names. vanessa, Maria, Monica. NANCY Monica, that's good. SHARON I mean, if she lived in India, she'd be an untouchable. JUSTINE Now, now, David Duke. SHARON Well, who would wanna have sex with that? SHELLY They're not having sex! I'm sorry. I thought I could get the VEE situation under control. You all know Donald has had other assistants before. Yeah, it's never fun. Usually, I don't have to look at 'em. It's the little bit of respect I need. But VEE? She shops at my store. She strolls onto my court like I'm not even there. NANCY That happens when you turn 60. SHARON Mm. NANCY People cut in line at the Gelson's, even when your cart is right there. SHELLY Yeah. It's been like that my whole life. Donald and I decided on the name "Sterling" together. We bought the Clippers together. Every property we acquired, we got together. But it's Donald's first name on all of our buildings. It's Donald they call the owner of our team. I tell myself she couldn't take my place, but who would stop her? No one knows I'm there. JUSTINE But if you'd been born 20 years later, you would've done it all on your own. You are a double virgo. SHELLY JUSTINE You have plans the day after tomorrow. Eh... look at your legs, perfection. SHARON Hmm. Woo-woo! JUSTINE You are going to live another quarter of a century. SHELLY JUSTINE You deserve more than a little bit of respect. You deserve it all. BASKETBALL CROWD VEE Working for Red Bull must be so rewarding. MALE RED BULL MANAGER The Clippers are such a fit for our mission, I just show up and eat the chicken. VEE MALE RED BULL MANAGER So, what's your role with the organization? VEE Philanthropic Director of the Donald T. Sterling Charitable Foundation. I work with corporate sponsors, such as yourself, and target grant recipients. $10,000 to the United Negro College Fund, $5,000 to the NAACP. MALE RED BULL MANAGER $5,000? Wow. VEE In May, Mr. Sterling is receiving a humanitarian award from the president. See? VEE Well, the president of the L.A. chapter. MALE RED BULL MANAGER Did-- Did he take that ad out for himself? BASKETBALL CROWD Let's go Clippers! Let's go Clippers! Let's go Clippers! VEE Well, how does anyone know about your achievements if you don't advertise them? Everyone does it. MALE PROCESS SERVER Ms. Stiviano? Legal documents for you, ma'am. MALE RED BULL MANAGER Yikes. MALE COMMENTATOR #1 Oh me, oh my. BASKETBALL CROWD MALE COMMENTATOR #1 Your L.A. Clippers are going to the playoffs. DOC Whoever bet against us is gonna be crying tonight. CLIPPERS DOC Nothing changes! Nothing changes! We move the ball, we make our shots, we keep our momentum, yes? CLIPPERS DOC All right. CHRIS Clippers on three, Clippers on three. DOC On three. One, two, three. ALL Clippers. CLIPPERS JAMAL Yeah, baby. DONALD Knock-knock. Is everyone decent? MALE COMMENTATOR #1 The L.A. Clippers thanks you for your attendance and encourage you to arrive home safe. DONALD We are so proud. JJ, what a shooter you are. And DeAndre, I-I love to see you shine. VEE MALE COMMENTATOR #1 Thank you so much for your... and your support. DONALD And Chris. Oh, Chris. You are a fabulous leader. DOC Thank you for coming, Donald. Shelly. VEE How can she sue me? DONALD VEE dropped me off, I need to call her. SHELLY I took care of VEE. DONALD Oh. VEE