ARCHIE BASIL CAITLIN CAMERON CHARLES DAYSEE DECLAN DEIRDRE FREDDIE GARY GEORGINA GERALD GINGER HELEN JAMES KEVIN LIZZIE MALHAR MAUD MONICA MRS_MAKEPIECE MR_MAKEPIECE NATHALIE PARAMEDIC PARAMEDIC_2 PATRICK PAUL RADIO_HOST RALPHIE RUPERT SARAH SEB SHARON SHELLEY TAGGIE TONY VALERIE WALLA WAYNE WORKER_1 WORKER_2 CAITLIN Oh. Gertrude. RUPERT Seems like you've been a very naughty girl this year, Nathalie. NATHALIE I'm so sorry, Santa. Are you gonna have to stuff my stocking with a great big lump of coal? RUPERT I'm afraid so. TAGGIE "Darling Taggie". TAGGIE What's this say? I can't read the writing. CAITLIN "Darling Taggie, So sorry for being such a colossal shit. Have a lovely Christmas. With love, R." TAGGIE What? TAGGIE Oh, my God. Caitlin, look. It's beautiful. It's from Ralphie. CAITLIN He's buying you bracelets, Tag. He loves you. Oh, my God. You should invite him to Patrick's birthday party. TAGGIE He's already invited. CAITLIN This party's gonna be completely epic. TAGGIE Oh, my God. CAITLIN Yay! CAITLIN Come on, Mummy. But if you had to have sex with one of them, which would it be? Jesus, Judas or Pontius Pilate? MAUD Well, Pontius obviously. Much better parties. Oh, Jesus would be so preachy. DECLAN Really? I always thought you liked a chatty fella. DECLAN Who the fuck turns up during Christmas dinner? CAITLIN Maybe it's Rupert. DECLAN Better not be. CAITLIN Patrick! DECLAN Look who it is. MAUD Oh, my darling. We weren't expecting you till the 28th. PATRICK Lavinia and I broke up. She didn't like the first edition Kafka I got her. CAITLIN What? TAGGIE How can someone break up with you over a gift? PATRICK Well, I was the one that broke up with her. She didn't have much celestial light. And I think if you really like someone, there's meant to be more celestial light. MAUD I can't believe my baby boy is going to be 21. DECLAN That makes us officially old. MAUD Hey, speak for yourself. MAUD What have you brought us? PATRICK Dirty washing for Taggie. PATRICK Merry Christmas, my darling. TAGGIE I've missed you. DECLAN Come on, kids. Let's eat. TAGGIE I'm not doing that, you know? CAITLIN I'm starving. HELEN Hello. RUPERT Hi, Helen. Me again. Are the kids around? HELEN Oh, sorry. Bad timing. We're just watching a movie. Perhaps you could try again tomorrow. RUPERT Tomorrow's not Christmas. HELEN Yeah, but I get them on Christmas, so... RUPERT Did they at least like their presents? HELEN Let's speak tomorrow. Bye. RUPERT Right. You ready for me to come down your chimney? RADIO HOST It's New Year's Eve, and as we say goodbye to 1986, who will you be kissing at the stroke of midnight tonight? LIZZIE Morning. You have no idea what I had to promise the farmer to get all these eggs. TAGGIE Oh, thank you so much, Lizzie. CAITLIN Do chickens orgasm? LIZZIE No, the cock doesn't even penetrate them. CAITLIN Oh. That's so sad. LIZZIE Some might see it as a blessing. Turns out neither the chicken nor the egg came first. CAITLIN So, did you or Ralphie come first? TAGGIE Caitlin. LIZZIE Who's Ralphie? CAITLIN Patrick's friend. LIZZIE Ah, yes. CAITLIN He's totally in love with Taggie. He sent her a bracelet. TAGGIE Stop it. LIZZIE Oh, Taggie. It's lovely. Is he coming tonight? TAGGIE Thank you. MAUD Girls, which one of you two bloody thieves have my cream? I forgot to get a bikini line wax. TAGGIE Oh... MAUD Hello, Lizzie. Am I seeing you later? LIZZIE I wouldn't miss it. MAUD Great. MAUD The cream. CAITLIN Top bathroom. MAUD See you tonight, Lizzie. CAITLIN Mummy's already tried on at least 15 dresses, and each one is smaller than the last. How long do you think it's gonna take her to ensnare Rupert tonight? TAGGIE Mummy wouldn't do that to Daddy. Not again. CAITLIN Yes, she would. Daddy's been working non-stop. I bet you anything Mummy's gonna go for Rupert. LIZZIE Well, I don't think Rupert's even coming. TAGGIE Let's hope not. LIZZIE Don't work too hard tonight. Make sure you find some time for your lovely Ralphie. He's a lucky boy. SEB Uh, we've done all this research on Rupert, but what if he won't agree to be interviewed? CAMERON Don't worry. He will. CAITLIN All right. So we start with the horsewhipping and move up to the cabinet minister's wife and his daughter. DECLAN Wrong. English people care more about horses than they do women. We end with the horses and the Olympics. TONY Imagine if this works. We annihilate the smug fucker on national television. CHARLES Hello. What time do you want us all for the party tonight, Declan? TONY Oh. Wasn't expecting to see you there, Charles. DECLAN Um, eight o'clock should be grand. Are you okay, Charles? You look a little worn. CHARLES Uh, my mother's not been very well. There's only me, so it's not been easy. DECLAN Sorry. CHARLES Uh, will you be gracing us with one of your stunning frocks tonight? DECLAN She's invited you too, has she? CAMERON Yeah, but I- I deci-- TONY No, we agreed she should stay here and help Deirdre and Seb with the New Year's Eve feeds instead. CAMERON Yeah. I decided not to go. TONY Someone's gotta keep the lights on. And Cinderella will go to the ball, just not this one. TONY Happy New Year, all. Oh, good. Daysee's opening champagne. DECLAN Oh, Christ. It'd be quieter to work from home. Let's-- Let's pick this up next week, yeah? TONY Come on, Deirdre. DAYSEE Champagne, Declan? DECLAN No, thanks. DAYSEE I'll see you at your party later. GINGER Paddy's still behaving then? TONY Oh, yes. Declan's my pussycat. Happy New Year. DECLAN Maud! DECLAN For fuck's sake. WORKER 1 Oop-- DECLAN Maud! DECLAN How many people did you invite? MAUD A few. Why? DECLAN Because I thought we said 30, but you've invited everybody from the bloody office. MAUD Are you trying to kill me? Hmm? You've taken me out of a fucking city where I had actual friends and an actual life, and you've plopped me in the back of beyond. So, yes, Declan, I am having a party. I need a party. You need a party, and it's our son's birthday, for God's sake. DECLAN Still paying off the bloody London leaving do. MAUD Well, that's hardly my fault, is it? I'm not the one that brought us to this bloody kip. And anyway, I'm very busy. I still have to work out where everybody's going to sit. WORKER 2 Oh. MRS MAKEPIECE The cavalry's here. MRS MAKEPIECE Don't expect too much from Mr Makepiece. He's next to useless. MR MAKEPIECE I'm here, aren't I? TAGGIE Thank you so much. We're never gonna be ready in time. SHELLEY Hi, I'm Shelley. I like your top. MRS MAKEPIECE Any time today, Kevin. KEVIN I didn't realise we were on the clock, Mother. MRS MAKEPIECE Hand me that peeler and we'll be done in a jiffy. It'll be all right, Taggie. TAGGIE Oh, thank you. TAGGIE Why would you want to sit next to him after what he did to me? MAUD Oh, don't be so overdramatic, darling. I'd consider yourself lucky if I were you. DECLAN Maud! DECLAN Maud! MRS MAKEPIECE Are you sure there's enough? TAGGIE Oh, God. Probably not. I'll peel some more. SHELLEY Fuck me. SHELLEY Fuck me. PATRICK Ralphie's here. He's just unpacking the car. GEORGINA Oh, thank you. That's so sweet of you. The journey from London was frightful. TAGGIE Oh, I'm sorry. This is Ralphie's room. GEORGINA Mine too. I'm Georgina, his girlfriend. RALPHIE Hello, Tag. RALPHIE I hope it's okay to squeeze us both in. Patrick did say I was allowed a plus-one. TAGGIE Um, of course. I-- I'll bring a second towel. PATRICK I'm so sorry, Tag. I didn't know. TAGGIE I can't believe I'm so stupid. PATRICK You are not stupid. You're one of the most insightful people I've ever met. TAGGIE Insightful? I'm the opposite of insightful. I'm just a stupid one-night stand. PATRICK You're too good for him. Taggie, seriously. He's not worthy of you. There'll be other boys here tonight. Show him what he's missing. CAITLIN You're the best person ever, Tag. GARY Give us a smile, Mr Vereker. JAMES Uh, if I must. JAMES Tights, Lizzie. Tights. LIZZIE Oh, no. Oh, when did that happen? JAMES Come on. LIZZIE I'm really sorry. I don't-- I don't know why I-- I don't know... JAMES Thank you. JAMES Just keep walking. Keep walking! VALERIE Oh, wow. Paparazzi. All right, no drinking. You can only talk to Caitlin. SHARON Are there gonna be lots of people from telly here tonight? FREDDIE Yeah, all the stars. You'll be shining the brightest though, my angel. VALERIE Where did she find them all? It's like a UN convention. FREDDIE It's terrific, innit? FREDDIE Wayne, follow me. TONY Freddie. FREDDIE You all right, Tone? I've been looking at your development plans, and I wanted to talk to you about whether anime could be a good area to investigate. TONY Oh, yes. TONY It's New Year's Eve, Freddie. We should be celebrating, not working. FREDDIE What about a cooking competition? They ain't done that yet, have they? TONY Ah. MONICA That sounds smashing, Freddie. FREDDIE Yeah, we've been having ideas all night. FREDDIE Ain't we, Wayne? WAYNE Yeah. FREDDIE I'll catch you later. PAUL So, how do I look? Like the newest member of the Corinium board? Now Campbell-Black has said no, they'll need a local MP more than ever. SARAH You look very like a local MP. PAUL Thank you. PAUL Tony. Tony. Tony. Just need a word. Um... CHARLES What perfect timing. I was worried I was late. Meet me at the folly at midnight. GERALD Oh. GERALD I'll see you there. CHARLES Yeah. KEVIN What a load of posh cunts. SHELLEY We're gonna have to get off one of these posh cunts tonight, Kev, 'cause marrying one's the only way we're gonna get out of this bumfuck town. DAYSEE I thought there were meant to be celebrities here. JAMES Well, there's definitely one. DAYSEE Where? DAYSEE Oh, my God. Is that Joanna Lumley at two o'clock? JAMES Um, be right back. JAMES Uh, Joanna. SARAH Oh, I really love Joanna Lumley. I think this is such a nice dress. I really like it. JAMES Excuse me. Sorry. JAMES Uh. Um, Joanna. DAYSEE You like it? SARAH Yeah. It's very pink. It looks really good on you. DAYSEE Oh, thanks RALPHIE I think we can have another drink. DECLAN Where's your mother? TONY Oh, my God. DECLAN Jesus Christ. BASIL My, my, my. TONY Very good. BASIL Yeah. Tell you what, Declan is a lucky man. What I wouldn't give to be ridden like that camel. MALHAR Darling. You look fabulous. MAUD Oh. MR MAKEPIECE Come on then. MALHAR You always knew how to make an entrance. MALHAR Did you have to practise on the camel? DECLAN Maud can get most beasts to do what she wants. MALHAR When are you gonna come back to London, hmm, and let me immortalise you in one of my films? MAUD Ugh. You should have offered me that when I was there. It's too late now. I'm stuck in this godawful prison. DECLAN It's hardly Colditz, my love. TONY Have we met? Sure I've seen your face before. MALHAR No, I don't believe we have. DECLAN Tony, this is Patrick's godfather, Malhar Verma. DECLAN Malhar, this is Tony Baddingham, ruthless businessman who controls the arts in the south-west. MALHAR Ah. DECLAN Tony, Malhar, brilliant filmmaker and, uh, terrible scoundrel. DECLAN I imagine you'll both get on very well. DECLAN Mm-hmm. LIZZIE Oh, hello. FREDDIE I thought if we all came in, they'd be more likely to feed us. LIZZIE Great minds. LIZZIE Ooh. FREDDIE Don't tell Valerie. LIZZIE I wouldn't dream of it. LIZZIE Thank you. LIZZIE James is cross with me for having a ladder in my tights. FREDDIE Really? LIZZIE Yeah. FREDDIE I love a ladder. Stairway to heaven and all that. MAUD As if it was Knot's Landing that just draw the line like that-- TAGGIE Mum, it's almost ten. If we don't eat soon, it's gonna be "indelible." MAUD Inedible, darling. And I'm sorry but-- MAUD Ooh. MAUD Yes. Darling, go ahead. It's definitely time to eat. MAUD Go on. MAUD Rupert. RUPERT My God. If I knew you were wearing this, I would've come earlier. MAUD Well, you're here now, and that's all that matters. DECLAN Take this. TONY No, no. No, no, no, no, no, no. No, I wouldn't if I were you. Do what you do best. Dig up his skeletons, lure him onto your show, humiliate him in front of millions. CAMERON All right. That's Athens down. How we doing on the Paris feed? SEB Mm-hmm. Au revoir, 1986. Bonjour, 1987. CAMERON Tea? Really, Deirdre? It's goddamn New Year's Eve. DEIRDRE I don't get New Year's. It's like birthdays, just another year closer to death. It's not really for us singletons, is it? We've not got anything to celebrate. No one's waiting to kiss us at midnight. CAMERON Well, the difference between you and I, Deirdre, is that I don't wait around to be kissed by somebody. If I wanna kiss someone, I do it. RUPERT So, is your sister ever gonna forgive me? CAITLIN Um, I doubt it. RUPERT Did she like the bracelet I got her? CAITLIN Fuck. CAITLIN Sorry. We all thought it was from Ralphie. RUPERT Who's Ralphie? CAITLIN Him. CAITLIN Taggie's mad about him. But he turned up with his girlfriend and now she's broken-hearted. You signed a "R", so we all just presumed it was R for Ralphie. RUPERT She can do better than that. MAUD Do you ski, Rupert? RUPERT Yeah. Love it. MAUD I bet you're terribly good at it. Isn't it all in the hips? MONICA Oh. I never see him. It's just work, work, work. I mean, Tony's obsessed, of course. He can barely think of anything else. MONICA Oh, don't worry about Rupert. Bertie Berkshire once described him as a particularly nasty virus that one's wife caught soon rather than later. DECLAN Hmm. MONICA Oh, Rupert can't resist the conquest. DECLAN While others adore the chase, a clever wife is easily bored. CAITLIN The bracelet's from Rupert. TAGGIE What? CAITLIN It's "R" for Rupert. He feels bad for touching you up at the Jones's. MRS MAKEPIECE Sounds right. Too much money. Too little sense. CAITLIN What are you gonna do, Tag? WALLA ...dear Patrick Happy Birthday to you DECLAN Today we celebrate my son, Patrick, who was born New Year's Eve, 21 years ago. My son makes me prouder than any father ever was. DECLAN Yeats wrote, "Life is a long preparation for something that never happens". But when I look at my son, I think Yeats was wrong. My son was a brilliant boy who is now a brilliant man. He has happened. So please raise your glasses for my clever boy, now a man. To Patrick. WALLA To Patrick! PAUL Patrick, the man. MAUD Your turn, darling. PATRICK Thank you, Dad. PATRICK Um, and thanks, Mom, for throwing another of your wonderful parties. DECLAN Mmm. PATRICK Uh, but most of all, I'd-- I'd like to thank-- PATRICK Holy shit. Celestial light. PATRICK Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one. WALLA Nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one. Happy New Year! DAYSEE He's gone too early. It's n--- LIZZIE Happy New Year. MONICA Happy New Year, darling. TONY Happy New Year. CAMERON You're very confident, aren't you? PATRICK Yeah. I am. CHARLES Thank you for coming. GERALD Of course. CHARLES I-- I-- I wanted to ask you something first. CHARLES I-- I-- I-- I wondered whether I could give you this. That way we-- we wouldn't have to sneak about. You could come and go as you pleased. You could think of it as your home too if you like. GERALD Well, I'm terribly flattered obviously, but I-- I'm sorry, Charles. I presumed you'd understand. If I want to do anything political, I need to find myself a... a wife. CHARLES Right. CHARLES Yes, of course. How silly of me. Probably had a bit too much to drink. Emotional evening. Uh, silly. Sorry. GERALD No, I'm s-sorry. CHARLES Don't be. I'm fine. CHARLES Now, get back in there and find yourself Mrs Middleton. Go on. Hurry up. RUPERT Can you please stop working? Come and dance. DAYSEE Sorry. Massive queue for the loo. DAYSEE That's better. Are there any more chipolatas left? TAGGIE Yeah. Come on then. RUPERT Great. TAGGIE I didn't realise this was from you. I can't accept it. RUPERT It's an apology for the other day. TAGGIE Fine. I'll accept the apology, just not the bracelet. RUPERT Fine. RUPERT You scare me a little. TAGGIE How can I scare you? RALPHIE I can see myself quite clearly reflected in your eyes, and for once, I'm not sure I like what I see. TAGGIE Anyone can change. RUPERT I might be an exception. TAGGIE Sorry. I'm-- I'm not very good at dancing. RUPERT You're doing fine. RUPERT Caitlin told me about the mix-up. Um, I'm sorry. RUPERT I'll be sure to write my whole name the next time I send you a present. TAGGIE I need to finish the kedgeree. Bye. SARAH Hey. You've been ignoring me all night. RUPERT Um, no, I haven't. SARAH Yes, you have, and you haven't called for ages. I don't mind my husband being disappointing, but I expect more from a lover. RUPERT I don't expect anything from you, Sarah, and I'd hope the feeling was mutual. TONY You're looking stunning again this evening, Sarah. You ever considered a career in television? TONY You should. The camera loved you on Behind Every Famous Man. SARAH Tony's just asked me to screen test for him. Do you think he's trying to get into my pants? LIZZIE Oh, wow. Maybe, but he's currently in Cameron's. She's his mistress. But perhaps he's looking for a replacement. SARAH Oh. CAITLIN Who are you? ARCHIE Archie. Who are you? CAITLIN Caitlin. ARCHIE Where'd you go to school? CAITLIN Upmount House. You? ARCHIE Rugborough. What do Upmount House girls and tampons have in common? CAITLIN I don't know. ARCHIE They're both stuck-up cunts. CAITLIN I've got some Malibu upstairs. VALERIE Sit down, Fred Fred. You're embarrassing yourself. FREDDIE Ah, come here. RUPERT Any New Year's resolutions? MONICA Ah, I think I would probably wish for things to remain exactly as they are. For no one to rock the boat, as it were. RUPERT I quite like my boat being rocked. MAUD Rupert. May I speak to you for a moment please, alone? RUPERT Of course. RUPERT That dress is really quite something. MAUD Well, my dress thanks you. MAUD You know, I've been noticing that you've been a more frequent visitor here recently. It's almost like there's something that you want. RUPERT Clever you. I don't think I realised myself before tonight. MAUD Well, I'm more astute than your average bear. RUPERT And you don't think I'm being a dreadful cad? MAUD Oh. Well, I mean, obviously you are, but we both know that. RUPERT I appear to be a little stuck. MAUD That doesn't sound like you. Seems a little pointless being shy, given all your experience. RUPERT But there's something so different about Taggie. MAUD T-- Taggie? Taggie? My Taggie? RUPERT I'm sorry. I-- MAUD Oh, my God. She's a bloody child, Rupert. She's a dim-witted child who can't even read. Are you-- Oh, I know. You're scared of women your own age, is that it? MAUD How dare you? TONY Keeping it in the family, eh, Rupert? DECLAN "To and fro we leap and chase the frothy bubbles, while all the world is full of troubles and anxious in its sleep. Come away, O human child, with a fairy, hand in hand, for the world is more full of weeping than he can understand". DECLAN "How many loved your moments of glad grace, and loved your beauty with love false or true, but one man loved the pilgrim soul in you, and loved the sorrows of your changing face". CAMERON What's going on? PATRICK It's just another parental drama. MAUD I'm sorry. DECLAN Come on. TONY Excuse us. Thank you. FREDDIE Here, Tone. Any idea where our kids might be? VALERIE Been waiting for our coats for at least 10 minutes. I mean, I've got no idea where the help is. It's utter chaos. TONY Taggie, where are the children? TAGGIE Um, I think they're up in Caitlin's room. Second floor. TONY Please retrieve our coats. Thank you, Taggie. TAGGIE Excuse me. TONY It's this way. TONY How delightfully ambitious of you, little brother. BASIL Thank you. I try. BASIL Oh, God. Felicity. I didn't see you down there. VALERIE Fred Fred. MONICA This is pathetic. VALERIE Disgusting. FREDDIE Kids! TAGGIE Mr Fairburn? TAGGIE What's wrong? CHARLES I don't exist. TAGGIE Sorry? CHARLES My mother doesn't know who I am. The only person who ever loved me, and now she doesn't recognise me. And soon she'll be gone, and I'll have no one. Do you even really exist if no one sees you're there? TAGGIE Yes. I think so. I hope so. CHARLES Oh, my God. TAGGIE Um. Uh, what can I do? What can I-- Um... CHARLES Oh, my God. TAGGIE Oh, my God. TONY Archie. TONY Archie. VALERIE Oh, God. WAYNE Mum, I'm vibrating. Look. FREDDIE Oh, yeah? VALERIE Don't be ridiculous, Wayne. Get out, we're going home. VALERIE Now, Sharon. FREDDIE Come on, baby. TONY Archie! MONICA Best night I've had since being a deb. TONY Come on. TONY Shelley Makepiece is a common slut. And that O'Hara girl is a minx, and you are under no circumstances allowed to fraternise with either one of them. ARCHIE It's not a war, Dad. TONY Of course it is! Everything's a war! MONICA Oh. TONY Maybe one of the London bohos have OD'd. They've been doing cocaine in the loos all night. CHARLES Please don't tell anyone. If Tony finds out, he'll sack me. TAGGIE What are you doing? Stop it, please! Can you-- PARAMEDIC Was it you that called the ambulance? TAGGIE Yeah. He's got pain in his chest. CHARLES I'm just f-- finding it a little bit difficult to breathe. TAGGIE Stop it! PARAMEDIC 2 It's all right. TAGGIE Call me whenever. I'm always here and happy to help, okay? CHARLES I'm so sorry. So, so sorry. TAGGIE It's okay. PARAMEDIC 2 It's all right. Just put this over like this... TAGGIE Oh, my God. PARAMEDIC 2 Nice, deep breaths. PARAMEDIC 2 It's all right. Just calm down. PARAMEDIC 2 Okay, tell me what happened. RUPERT There you are. What are you doing? TAGGIE I'm just trying to find your knives and forks. We borrowed them for the party. RUPERT You have to stop. Not everything is your responsibility, Taggie. TAGGIE No. No, there's just too much to do. I'm sorry. It's just, Mummy spent way too much money on the party. There's no one to pay the deejays, someone's broken a window in the kitchen, and there is vomit all over the yellow sofa. TAGGIE And do you know what I just had to do? I just had to put Charles in an ambulance, and some awful man took a photo as he was getting in. He just looks so alone. I mean, are we all just alone? I mean, Ralphie doesn't love me. What if no one ever loves me? RUPERT Promise you that someone will love you. RUPERT Just-- RUPERT You need to go to bed. RUPERT To sleep. I'll deal with the deejays and, uh, the sofa, and the window. TAGGIE I'm sorry I was so beastly to you earlier. TAGGIE You're not that bad really. RUPERT Let me take those. RUPERT Well, you may have forgiven me, but Gertrude certainly hasn't. GERALD Are you trying to seduce me? RUPERT Always. GERALD Oh, good. RUPERT Lady in red. TAGGIE Thank you. For everything. RUPERT You're the one we should all be thanking. RUPERT Put on an incredible party. No idea how you held it all together. RUPERT You are a remarkable person, Taggie. CAMERON Okay, who the hell has a camel on their birthday? PATRICK Me and Jesus. A lot in common. PATRICK How come you're not with your folks for Christmas? CAMERON You know, past the age of 25 we don't tend to talk about our parents all that much. PATRICK I just want to know everything about you. CAMERON Okay. Well, my parents divorced when I was 14. My dad is a teacher. My mom's an activist. She wanted to change the world, but she didn't really want to have to change her schedule for her family. Anyway, she ended up meeting someone new who turned out to be an asshole, and I had to grow up pretty fast. Been on my own ever since. CAMERON What? So, you-- you-- you make me talk about myself and now you're silent. What, you just gonna go run off and tell your dad about poor, old Cameron now? PATRICK Don't be stupid. I'm gonna look after you. I'm gonna blot out all of the bad memories, even if it takes a lifetime. CAMERON It's a lifetime now, is it? All right, camel boy, what's the plan? Just parties every year, flirting with older women until you die of gout at 62? PATRICK I'm going to write an award-winning play that changes the world and art as we know it. CAMERON Holy shit. The kid's ambitious. All right. PATRICK Why not? What, don't you think ambition is a good thing? RUPERT Hi. RUPERT You give me the roll of photographs you took at the ambulance, and I'll pose drunk on those logs, okay? GARY Who's the guy? RUPERT Nobody. You wouldn't get anything for them, but he's a friend, and I'd mind. So, how drunk do you want me to be? GARY Very. Very would be good. RUPERT Very it is. CAMERON Seems like you've had a happy New Year. GARY Thanks, boss. Think I've got what I need. I'll be off home. RUPERT Great. Well, Happy New Year. DECLAN Did he touch you? DECLAN You would have liked him to though, wouldn't you? MAUD What do you want me to say, Declan? You used to give me attention, and now you go to work. You get to go and be the big man, and I'm just left here rotting. MAUD I used to be fucking beautiful. DECLAN You still are. DECLAN How would you have liked him to touch you? DECLAN And then what would he do? CAMERON So, do the English mash everything because they've got such terrible teeth, or is this some weird, wanting-to-be-a-baby bullshit? PATRICK Couldn't resist another thing they stole during the empire. CAMERON Oh, okay. Fun. CAMERON All right. Well, I should go. PATRICK No, no, no. Don't go. I have to go back to university later today, and I'm not ready to say goodbye yet. CAMERON Yeah. Well, I have to. I have work. PATRICK Okay. I'll run you home. CAMERON One, I have my own car because I'm a grown-up. And two, my home is paid for by my boss who I also happen to be sleeping with. So I don't think he'd much like you dropping me home, but thank you. PATRICK You're sleeping with Tony Baddingham? He's so old. You can do so much better. CAMERON Yeah, I don't remember asking for your advice. Tony is smart, powerful, and he built a company from the ground up. So when you do that, give me a call. CAMERON Ciao. PATRICK Ciao. RUPERT Happy New Year, Rocky. RUPERT Mmm. RUPERT I have something for you. RUPERT Here you go. TONY Fun night? CAMERON Shit. TONY I've been looking at your contract. You want to leave now or work your six-week notice? CAMERON What? Why? You cannot fire me. I'm the best person you've got, and I've done nothing wrong. TONY I told you not to go to that party. CAMERON It was New Year's Eve, Tony. I wanted to go out, and you don't get to control every single thing I do. TONY This is my life, Cameron, you do not get to fuck with it. I'm not in the business of hiring whores! CAMERON Hmm. So, you're allowed to flirt with Sarah Stratton, and fuck your wife, but I can't go to a party or so much as look at another man? TONY Oh, you're jealous? CAMERON Fuck off, Tony. TONY Did you sleep with him? CAMERON No. CAMERON So, why are you wearing his clothes? CAMERON We went for a walk, and I got cold. TONY Tell me the truth. Did you have sex with that boy? CAMERON No. Nothing happened. TONY You promise me you will never see him again. CAMERON I promise. CAMERON I can't, Tony. I-- No, I can't. I'm t-- I'm tired. TONY You can. You can if you want to be promoted to Controller of Programmes. CAMERON Then you better fuck me as hard as you can. PATRICK Thanks for the washing, Tag. TAGGIE You're welcome. PATRICK I'm sorry you didn't find anyone last night. TAGGIE Actually did end up meeting someone rather interesting. CAITLIN Who? PATRICK I knew you would. TAGGIE I saw Cameron leaving this morning. Any celestial light? PATRICK She's overflowing with it. CAITLIN You can't fall in love with her. Daddy says she's a monster. TAGGIE I think Patrick should fall in love with whoever he wants. Daddy's not always right. PATRICK I wholeheartedly agree. CAITLIN Who is it? Oh, my God. Tell me. Did you snog somebody? TAGGIE Stop. TAGGIE No. Not yet.