ARCHIE AUDIENCE_MEMBER BASIL BEATTIE BISHOP_BRENTON BRIAN CAITLIN CAMERON CHARLES COTCHESTER_TEAM_MEMBER DECLAN DEIRDRE ENID FREDDIE GERALD GINGER GUEST HENRY JAMES JOYCE LADY_GOSLING LIZZIE MALHAR MAUD MONICA MRS_MAKEPIECE MR_MAKEPIECE PATRICK PAUL PERSON_ON_SET POTENTIAL_VOTER RADIO_PRESENTER RUPERT SARAH SEB SHARON SINGER STEVE TAGGIE TONY TV_HOST VALERIE WALLA WESLEY JAMES Hello. Good evening, and welcome to How to Stay Married with me, James Vereker. And over here, the woman lucky enough to call herself my better half, my wife, Lizzie. LIZZIE Thank you, darling. LIZZIE Hello. JAMES Now, a wise man once said, "Marriage isn't a battlefield, it's a partnership, and married people should be comrades, not rivals." LIZZIE Though that's sometimes easier said than done. JAMES How do you stay connected after years of children, careers, everything? SARAH LIZZIE How do you keep each other interested over dinner or in the bedroom when the honeymoon period comes to an end? SARAH JAMES We'll be chatting to a range of celebrity and ordinary couples to ask, "How do they make it work for them?" And we'll find out if the grass really is greener on the other side of the fence. LIZZIE LIZZIE We'll be quizzing the experts on how to keep a marriage fresh without seeking excitement elsewhere. JAMES We'll discuss how to deal with the pain if one of you breaks the rules. LIZZIE And how to keep your feet on the ground when you're thinking about walking away. RUPERT CAMERON CAMERON This is Cameron Cook. Leave a message. JAMES Gosh, it's a lot to get through, isn't it? LIZZIE Well, we did say, "Till death do us part". JAMES Mmm. JAMES So, stay tuned. LIZZIE And stay married. JAMES Hmm. RUPERT Good afternoon. This is Rupert Campbell-Black, MP for Chalford and Bisley, reminding you to vote Conservative. Keep the Cotswolds blue. WALLA TAGGIE TAGGIE Hi! TAGGIE You know that's a cheese, Cotswold Blue? RUPERT Don't let Labour take our cheese. TAGGIE GERALD Good to see you. POTENTIAL VOTER Thanks. RUPERT I trust I can rely on your vote. POTENTIAL VOTER Yes. Happily. RUPERT Lovely. TAGGIE Oh. That's easy. TAGGIE So you're just supposed to... Thank you so much. POTENTIAL VOTER Hello. TAGGIE So... RUPERT Lovely to see you again, Mr Waddingham. Thank you so much for coming. RUPERT Thanks for coming... TAGGIE RUPERT Can you hold this? TAGGIE Oh, yeah. RUPERT Aw, thanks. TAGGIE No idea about the RUPERT What are you talking about? TAGGIE I've got lots of signatures. RUPERT You should think about doing this professionally. TAGGIE Very funny. RUPERT TAGGIE What is... RUPERT Oh, yeah. Let me. There's a knack to it. TAGGIE Do you mind? RUPERT No. CAMERON Patrick O'Hara. PATRICK I finished university. I'm a real grown-up now. CAMERON I don't have time for declarations. You're a lovely boy, but I'm-- PATRICK You're what? Busy being a mistress of a wanker? PATRICK Can I kiss you? CAMERON Jesus, Patrick. I-- You have no idea. PATRICK You look fucking incredible, by the way. TAGGIE You know, I think the vicar was quite taken with you. They'll invite you to tea at the rectory. RUPERT Well, I'll do anything for the cause. TAGGIE Yeah, me too. RUPERT Yeah, you're quite the campaigner. RUPERT Oh, Seb's here. TAGGIE Yeah, he's taking me to the cinema. RUPERT You're going out with him? TAGGIE I like him. He's decent. RUPERT Well, is that the best you can hope for, decent? TAGGIE Well, maybe I'm fed up with sitting around, waiting for my life to happen, making sandwiches for everybody else. SEB Hey. TAGGIE Hey. SEB You okay? TAGGIE Yeah. SEB You ready? TAGGIE Yeah. RUPERT Taggie. TAGGIE Yeah, I'll see you tomorrow. CAMERON Okay, next item. As you know, we're finally putting something punchy in Declan's old slot. Sarah's show. CAMERON Still working on the format. Newest idea is we bring in a co-host to mix things up a bit. JAMES Finally. Thank you. SARAH A co-host? CAMERON More like a magazine, but spicier. Network loves the idea. JAMES It's not your fault, Sarah. Prime-time slot. It's a big thing for you to carry by yourself at this st-- SARAH Who is it? TONY We're working on the details. Obviously, it won't be James. JAMES What? TONY You're Cotswold Round-Up. Can't dilute the brand, can we? CAMERON Okay, next. JAMES Please-- CAMERON Great Gardens. We need a new location now that we're pulling Green Lawns. GINGER Do we need to pull it? CAMERON Freddie Jones is actively campaigning to bring down Corinium. Why would we put his house on our gardening show? GINGER Well, it might be a show of strength if we go ahead anyway. And means that we gain access to the property. See if we can't pump Mrs Jones for info. TONY Yes. Good. Let's go ahead. TONY Now then. TONY Am I a man of my word? Cameron. CAMERON You are a man of many words. TONY Am I a man of my word? CAMERON Yes, of course. CHARLES I think we'd all agree, Tony. TONY Would you? CHARLES TONY See, that's curious, because I quite clearly remember telling you not to speak to any of those Venturer traitors. CHARLES TONY Do you remember what I said, Ginger, would be the consequence? GINGER Instant dismissal, Tony. TONY In which case, Mr Burrows... am I to take it you no longer require Corinium's services as an employer? SEB Um... sorry? SEB You were observed attending a screening of Absolute Beginners at the Cotchester Regal... with Taggie O'Hara. SEB You were spying on me? TONY It's franchise season, Sebastian. I'm spying on everyone. It's self-preservation. And it turns out, entirely necessary, given that you are a double-crossing little shitbag. TONY So now I'm gonna make an extremely fucking public example of you. I'm not only gonna make sure you never work in commercial television again, I'm gonna make sure there's no job for you on any channel anywhere. I'm gonna make sure you can't get a job selling televisions at Rumbelows. TONY Escort Mr Burrows to his car, would you, Ginger? Don't let him clear his desk. SEB But I have-- TONY Be very fucking glad you're leaving here with all ten fingernails. TONY All right then. Off you all fuck. And thank you for your loyalty. It has been noted. WALLA TONY Quick chat, Cameron. CAMERON I brought this little guy, as requested. TONY You can have it back soon as Lady Gosling's had a good look. TONY Where were you Friday night? CAMERON Home. TONY I rang. You didn't answer. CAMERON I unplugged my phone. Wanted to make sure I got a good night's rest, prepping for Great Gardens. TONY You're not wearing your ring. CAMERON Close to my heart. CAMERON I didn't want people asking questions or-- TONY Patrick O'Hara was at your house. CAMERON And I told him where to get off. TONY I know. Thank you. CAMERON You know you don't have to spy on me, Tony. GINGER Ready to go for a spin? WALLA TONY You've done a spectacular job. The cameras are gonna love it. VALERIE TONY We only feature the very best gardens on the programme. VALERIE Oh, wow. TONY Monica's at The Falconry, of course. VALERIE Mm-hmm. TONY And the duchess is at badminton. VALERIE And Mon-Mon, she doesn't mind? With all of the unpleasantness... I haven't spoken to her in weeks. TONY TONY Mmm. Monica feels-- And I agree-- You're so special. VALERIE TONY And showcasing this lovely garden, that's far more important than petty personal feuds. VALERIE VALERIE Oh, I just wish we could all go back to how it was before, when we were all friends. TONY Mmm. TONY Do you, um-- Do you have to host meetings here? VALERIE Oh, yes. They hole up in Fred-Fred's office and I d-- I just leave them to it. You know, the hardest thing is remembering who's siding with who. TONY I'm so glad you said that. I can't remember from one day to the next. I'm sure we've got a couple of moles. VALERIE Mmm. Yes. Yes. Freddie is worried about moles. TONY Really? VALERIE Mm-hmm. He's been putting castor oil everywhere. I'm terrified I'm gonna wake up in the morning and find molehills all over the lawn. TONY MAUD / MALHAR MALHAR Think about it, yeah? Mmm? Mmm. MAUD I will. I will. MAUD MAUD MALHAR MAUD Oh. Oh, you have to come down more often. MAUD Drive safe. TAGGIE What was Malhar doing here? MAUD He came to see me, darling. I do have friends. TAGGIE So, what, he came for a cup of tea? MAUD Oh, Jesus Christ. We had a drink. MAUD Is there something you want to ask me? Hmm? MAUD Do you know where your daddy is? I mean, 'cause I don't see you hounding him. TAGGIE But Daddy would never. MAUD Oh. I am sick of your disapproval. You have no idea what I've done for this family over the years. TAGGIE Well, I don't know why you bother if you resent it so much. I mean, you don't even like me. MAUD I love you. You're my daughter. TAGGIE Oh, c-- When you look at me, all you see are the things you've done wrong. MAUD That's bloody unfair. I nearly died giving birth to you. TAGGIE Twenty years ago. MAUD Malhar offered me a part. TAGGIE A part? MAUD Yes, a part in a play. Like I used to do parts in plays, but I don't anymore because I'm stuck down here. It's a play in London. TAGGIE Well, what'd you say? MAUD No. Of course I did. TAGGIE Sorry. TAGGIE I guess, yeah-- I guess it's nice to be asked. MAUD No, it's not, Taggie. You get so used to putting other people's needs first that it becomes second nature. And then one day, you look at yourself and you think, "Why in fuck's name did I do that?" But by then, it's too late to change. TAGGIE WALLA LIZZIE RUPERT Darling! RUPERT I'm so glad to see you. LIZZIE Just supporting my husband. Not that he needs it. RUPERT LIZZIE What brings you to Valerie's opening? RUPERT Sticker bombing. LIZZIE Mmm. RUPERT I managed to get one on Valerie's bottom. LIZZIE Oh. RUPERT Closest to her opening I ever wanna get. LIZZIE Oh. LIZZIE We probably shouldn't be talking, since we're with rival consortiums. RUPERT Consortia? Don't know. LIZZIE Consortia? Consortiums? RUPERT Hmm. LIZZIE Hmm. RUPERT Anyway, it doesn't matter. We're all adults. I'm not giving you up for the sake of any stupid franchise. You're the closest thing I have to a conscience. WALLA PERSON ON SET Hi, Valerie. VALERIE Hello, darling. LIZZIE This is horrendous, isn't it? RUPERT Absolute hell. SHARON Lemonade, Mrs Vereker? LIZZIE Thank you, Sharon. Oh, lovely hat. RUPERT I'm fine. RUPERT JAMES No, just hang on one second. If one of you can do it for me, darling. Thank you so much. Stop it. No. Stop it. LIZZIE James is having an affair with Sarah Stratton. RUPERT Oh, darling. LIZZIE I shouldn't have told you that. You'll leak it to The Scorpion to discredit Corinium. RUPERT Why don't you leave him? He's a wanker. LIZZIE I-- LIZZIE I booked a hotel room to have an affair with Freddie. Then I-- then I bottled out. Hated myself. RUPERT Everyone does it. LIZZIE Really, everyone? RUPERT RUPERT Yeah. LIZZIE What? All-All these people? RUPERT LIZZIE Her, over there in the hat. Oh, is she fucking that man next to her? Is that why she's not looking at him? RUPERT Him and her? Hmm, handjobs in the potting shed. RUPERT LIZZIE I mean it, Rupert. Am I-- Am I really the only person holding out? LIZZIE Does that make me a bit simple? LIZZIE Should I be able to hold more than one man in my head at once? RUPERT LIZZIE Oh. Oh, can't we make it a show about fidelity, for God's sake? RUPERT Yes, you're an embarrassment to Corinium Television. LIZZIE Stop. FREDDIE Blimey. LIZZIE Oh, my God. FREDDIE Bit of a circus, innit? LIZZIE Ugh. Send in the clowns. RUPERT Speaking of which, they're about to film your spouses. FREDDIE RUPERT Think I'll, um... go and watch. FREDDIE FREDDIE FREDDIE You didn't come. LIZZIE I tried, I-- I couldn't get out the car. LIZZIE I'm sorry. FREDDIE Yeah. No, it's probably for the best. FREDDIE You were probably right when you said no the first time. WALLA DEIRDRE Seconds away, James. JAMES DEIRDRE Quiet, please! DEIRDRE And action, James. JAMES One only has to look at your borders, Mrs Jones, to appreciate what an extraordinary gardener you are. VALERIE JAMES Tell me, what's your secret? How do you grow such whopping glads? VALERIE Oh. Well, James, I feed them with growmore, and obviously I stake them very tall so they're not flopping over everywhere. JAMES Deirdre, ah-- Deirdre, can we quieten down the masses, please? JAMES Sorry. Mrs Jones, can you repeat that? Yes. Thank you, Cameron. CAMERON Can we have some quiet, please? Quiet! JAMES Right. Deirdre, are we ready? DEIRDRE Hmm. JAMES Excellent. DEIRDRE Mmm. VALERIE WALLA JAMES Oh, for God's sake. DEIRDRE Cut! JAMES I'm so sorry. Are you all right? It's like working in a zoo. CAMERON VALERIE Why's there a dog off a lead? JAMES Beaver. JAMES All right, can we find out why there's a dog off the lead? DEIRDRE James, I'm so sorry. CAMERON Okay, uh, shall we try this again? JAMES Are we ready? Are we ready? VALERIE I'm ready. DEIRDRE Action. JAMES One only has to take a look at your borders, Mrs Jones, to realise... TONY I'm here to pick you up. CAMERON I have my car. TONY Mmm. Ginger will drive it home for you. CAMERON Okay, I don't understand. TONY I'm taking you out. CAMERON WALLA TONY TONY It's the Venturer franchise application. CAMERON Okay, but how did you get it? TONY Ginger did a little light espionage at Green Lawns. CAMERON Well, can I read it? What-What's in it? TONY Enough for us to get our teeth into. TONY We'll pick over it tomorrow. CAMERON SINGER TONY Tonight is about you and me. TONY Listen... I know I didn't say it enough, but-- CAMERON Tony, people can see us. TONY Dance with me. CAMERON Nobody's dancing. TONY I don't care. Come and dance. CAMERON SINGER WALLA TONY I meant what I said about the ring. TONY Once we win this, we'll do this whenever we want. SINGER TONY CAMERON CAMERON SINGER TONY CAITLIN Come on, Tag. A, B, C or D? TAGGIE None of them. CAITLIN No, you have to pick one. Come on. Otherwise, how do we know which Four Men Went To Mow character you're going to marry? PATRICK Tag, have you seen this? TAGGIE What? CAITLIN Show me. PATRICK Rupert in clinch with cook. CAITLIN Oh, my God. You're in The Scorpion. PATRICK CAITLIN You're the cook. TAGGIE Yeah, it's Cameron Cook. They must mean Cameron. PATRICK Cameron? CAITLIN No, it's definitely you. CAITLIN Seb's going to be devastated. Losing his job and now this? PATRICK What about Cameron? TAGGIE It's Rupert and Cameron. Didn't you know? PATRICK Wow, she really picks 'em, doesn't she? TAGGIE Oh, God, please. It will ruin everything for Daddy if it comes out. I-I shouldn't have told you. Please, Patrick. Leave it alone. PATRICK DECLAN Tomorrow, at the public meeting, we all need to be able to answer whatever questions come up. WALLA DECLAN Seb's been doing some briefing notes for everyone now that he has more time on his hands, but we need to know this back to front like Cameron does. DECLAN Where is Cameron? RUPERT With the Dark Lord, I suppose. I rang her this morning, but she didn't answer. FREDDIE Gerald, you got a spare copy? I couldn't find mine this morning. GERALD Uh, yes. Rupert does that a lot. ENID Why does this have to be at Corinium? Shouldn't a public meeting be on neutral grounds? DECLAN Oh, it's deliberately stacked in favour of the incumbent. It's simpler for everyone if they get to keep the franchise, so the IBA make it easy to defend and difficult to challenge. DECLAN Look, we have to prove we've got the money and experience to take over the building, 'cause plenty of franchise applications fall this hurdle. So, you know... RUPERT RUPERT They got your best side. TAGGIE TAGGIE It's not what you think. DECLAN What is it? ENID Oh, wonderful. DECLAN DECLAN You think this is funny? RUPERT Oh, come on. It's just tabloid nonsense, tonight's chip paper. DECLAN You promised me you wouldn't touch her. RUPERT I didn't touch her. DECLAN What the fuck is that? RUPERT The seat belt wasn't working. TAGGIE You made him promise not to touch me? What-- I'm years old. DECLAN Oh, so something did happen then, did it? RUPERT She's seeing Seb, isn't she? TAGGIE RUPERT Seb, it's nothing. SEB No, it's okay. She's her own person. RUPERT There, you see? She's her own person. DECLAN Get out of my house. TAGGIE Daddy, for God's sake. Stop. RUPERT Declan, seriously, this is too far-- BASIL Here we go. DECLAN You couldn't be serious if your life depended on it. The fuck do you have riding on this? RUPERT I put my house up. I bought the bluebell wood so you could clear your debts. You've had all my money, what more do you want? Look, just-- Shall we get back to work and stop talking about who gets to touch up Taggie? DECLAN MAUD Oh! RUPERT WALLA FREDDIE Hey. DECLAN Say that again. GERALD Stop. FREDDIE Come here. Come on. DECLAN You prick! BASIL Whoa. Calm down, now. FREDDIE You need to come here. DECLAN Prick! TAGGIE What is wrong with you? FREDDIE I need you to sit down. HENRY Come on, chaps. That is enough. DECLAN God. Fuck is your face made of? Jesus Christ. BASIL You all right? RUPERT Fuck. CAMERON What happened? RUPERT FREDDIE You shouldn't be here. It's not safe. CAMERON I was gonna call, but I got scared in case Tony bugged the phone. RUPERT That's paranoid, darling. CAMERON No, not anymore it's not. CAMERON Tony has seen the application. He knows all of our plans. DECLAN What-- How? CAMERON Freddie... CAMERON You got your copy? FREDDIE RUPERT TAGGIE DECLAN WALLA JAMES You should probably get someone to fix that. MONICA I'm for bed, darling. MONICA Oh, is that Green Lawns? TONY Mmm. It's the Great Gardens tape. TONY Come and watch with me. JAMES And here I am, surrounded by a large variety of yellows, greens, blues, lilacs, oranges, indigos. All the colours of the rainbow. TONY Laugh at Valerie's gruesome borders. MONICA Yes, all right. JAMES And who's this little collection of colourful characters we have here? He's a little rambler. TONY See? She's got gnomes. MONICA JAMES I think he's a little camera-shy, don't you? JAMES And what's the inspiration behind this piece of landscaping here? VALERIE Well, James, uh, people always that I've got a very colourful personality. And I suppose I wanted the garden to reflect that. MONICA What does she feed those enormous gladioli? TONY Same thing she feeds her children. MONICA Tony. JAMES And reflect it it does. Almost blinding. VALERIE MONICA Oh, look. Poor James is the same colour as the marigolds. TONY MONICA And she looks like she's dressed for Ascot. JAMES One only has to look at your borders to appreciate what an extraordinary gardener you are, Mrs Jones. Now, tell me, what's your secret? How do you grow such whopping glads? TONY Lady Valerie of Vulgaria. MONICA Hmm. VALERIE Well, James, I feed them with Growmore, and obviously I stake them very high so they're-- VALERIE WALLA DEIRDRE Cut! TONY Ooh! VALERIE JAMES Oh, for God's sake. MONICA Whoops-a-daisy. JAMES Are you all right? VALERIE I'm fine. MONICA Oh, it's Rupert. CAMERON Oh. RUPERT Beaver! JAMES All right, can we find out why there's a dog off the lead? JAMES Uh, yeah. last night. CAMERON JAMES What's happening? Oh, yeah, we're rolling? Just hold on. Hang on for one moment. Wait. DEIRDRE It's going. VALERIE Shall we try that again? VALERIE / JAMES CAMERON MONICA Beaver seems besotted with Miss Cook, doesn't he? MONICA It's rather like he knows her. TONY CAMERON The day of reckoning arrives. GINGER Could we say the application was just sitting on Freddie Jones's desk? Makes him sound appallingly careless. JOYCE I'm not sure we want to admit to trespassing and theft, do we? GINGER That's a fair point. CAMERON The best way to take advantage of this little windfall is to pull apart every idea they've got. Pour scorn on every word they say this afternoon. CAMERON We've got it all worked out, right, Tony? TONY Absolutely. CAMERON No question. It's ours. TONY Never pays to think something's definitively yours in my experience. TONY Let's not rest on our laurels just yet. RADIO PRESENTER Emotions are riding high in Rutshire in the battle for control of the central south-west Television region. The franchise holder, Corinium, will go head-to-head at a public meeting with new consortium, Venturer, led by TV presenter, Declan O'Hara, MP and former Olympian showjumper, Rupert Campbell-Black, and tech wizard, Freddie Jones. DECLAN RADIO PRESENTER They've got the charm, but can they convince the IBA that they've got the chops to catch the crown. DECLAN WALLA BISHOP BRENTON Why the cameras? Are we on television? SEB Oh, it's for the evening news. Don't stare at them. It'll look like a game show. BISHOP BRENTON Hmm. HENRY Oh, look, there's-- there's Charles. Hello, Charles. RUPERT Henry, try and remember who's on whose side, will you? HENRY Oh. DECLAN Good. Can somebody get all this down before this door opens? BISHOP BRENTON DECLAN Yeah, but if you need help, just ask. RUPERT I'm better on the subject. DECLAN You can get on that, Rupert. RUPERT Yeah. BISHOP BRENTON Yes, good idea. Yes. DECLAN FREDDIE ARCHIE We never come to Corinium. I don't understand. MONICA Listen, it's Daddy's big day, and we're here to support him. JAMES LIZZIE I'll just go and find a seat. JAMES Oh, no, no. You're up here with us. DEIRDRE Ragtag sort of bunch, aren't they? Spend half the time fighting each other apparently. BRIAN Embarrassing. GERALD Yes. Well, we can talk over there. BEATTIE Goodness. All human life is here. TONY Mostly pond life over that side. BEATTIE BASIL What the hell is Beattie Johnson doing here? TONY Hello, darling. CAMERON Is everything okay? TONY Love you. STEVE Ladies and gentlemen, the meeting is about to begin. LADY GOSLING This consultation aims simply to determine if the new company, Venturer, has the capacity to be a contender for the south-west central franchise. We will inform Venturer by telephone later in the evening if they may submit a formal franchise application. LADY GOSLING And however, in the meantime, this is an opportunity for you, the public, to give both sides a good grilling. So, are there any questions from the floor? LADY GOSLING Yes, lady at the back over there. Uh, with the very tight perm. MRS MAKEPIECE Can I please ask both teams when you're gonna start showing bingo on the telly? TONY Well, we're absolutely committed to bringing as many different sports to the viewing public. So if there's an appetite for bingo, absolutely. AUDIENCE MEMBER Ah, yes, I was-- I was rather wondering if James might sign my blouse. WALLA JAMES Oh. TONY FREDDIE Yes, my company's been developing satellite television for a while now. CAMERON Dishy Daniel won't be leaving Four Men Went To Mow this next series. BASIL At Venturer, we've got plans to show polo. JAMES I'm sorry that the Chipping Sodbury WI feel we've disproportionately covered news from Cotchester. FREDDIE So, Venturer are gonna harvest this technology for domestic use. That's something that we've got and Corinium haven't. JAMES Oh, and yes, I would be delighted to sign your blouse. WALLA AUDIENCE MEMBER CAMERON We'll ensure he removes his shirt at least once an episode. DECLAN Yeah, we'll keep it on the network if it's popular. TONY Well, um, I'll respond to that if I may. The underdog team over there might expect to retain all of your favourite programmes, but I'm afraid they belong to Corinium. TONY Cotswold Round-Up, ladies and gentlemen. TONY Imagine a world without that sofa, James. TONY No Master Dog. No Dorothy Dove. And, ladies and gentlemen, what that means is no more Four Men Went To Mow. WALLA TONY Sorry, lads. What a dreary prospect. TONY And what about the future? Our newest output brings us to a whole new frontier of entertainment. Most imminently, we are replacing our tired, old talk show, Declan, with a brand-new format and a new presenter. Joining Sarah Stratton in her first-ever television job, celebrity gossip columnist, Beattie Johnson. TONY Heading up Uncensored. The naughtiest, most gossipy show on the independent network. Because that's what we do at Corinium. TONY We serve you the television you want. Your station. Now and always. TONY Because who wants to feel like their television station is some rich man's second hobby? Honestly, what does Rupert Campbell-Black know about broadcasting? RUPERT I know people. I know this area from representing you all in Parliament. I've knocked on a damn sight more doors than Tony Baddingham has. RUPERT And look at the audience that have come today to support Venturer. We've got Cotchester Council gardening team, the Chipping Sodbury WI. Bisley Ballroom Dancers. The headmaster from Rugborough and the lads from Cotchester Rugby Football Club! WALLA WALLA Hello! WALLA Venturer! Venturer! Venturer! RUPERT They know a good team when they see one. TONY This lot, a team? A team? Ask Rupert where he got that bruise. They're a bunch of amateurs! Brawling and boozing and bedding other people's wives. TONY The drama should be on the screen. Not off it. WALLA DECLAN No, you're right. They do deserve better. DECLAN You deserve better. You all deserve better than the shite Tony Baddingham's been pumping into your living rooms for all these years. DECLAN You deserve better than endless quiz shows that cost nothing to make and nourish nobody's soul. Yes, they have a good drama, but one? One good drama? We will make dozens. There will be Venturer shows all over the network, so you can be proud of the work that comes out of the central south-west. DECLAN We're not in this to make money. We are in this to make joy. DECLAN Because what is television for? I don't think Tony Baddingham's asked himself that in a very long time. Christ, it shows. DECLAN You know what I think it's for? Community. DECLAN People used to sit around the fire for their stories. Now we sit around the television. We point our chairs at the corner of the room, and that is where we commune. Television has the power to bring us together. To help us forgive each other. DECLAN When we've had a stupid fight. DECLAN To give us a window into others' lives. To bring new ideas into our homes. DECLAN It is, I believe, the greatest art form man has created. I got into this business many years ago in the pursuit of truth and integrity. And I still believe in both. And you deserve better. And we will move mountains to give you better if you put your faith in us and give us a chance. WALLA DECLAN Thank you, Rupert. WALLA TONY I have spent months fighting this. When does it ever stop? JOYCE We don't know the verdict yet. TONY Oh, Christ, you see Gosling's wizened face light up at Declan's blarney lyricism? GINGER Then we have the smear campaign. More scandal, more dirt. TONY Ginger, you wouldn't know dirt if it shat itself into your face. Do you have any idea of the size of dirt you managed to miss this week? Hmm? You are supposed to be my fucking eyes and ears. TONY Get better reports from Helen fucking Keller! WALLA MAUD Well done, darling. DECLAN Thank you, sweetheart. MAUD DECLAN I meant what I said. MAUD Well, I just hope that it will-- DECLAN Excuse me. TAGGIE You were just brilliant. Everybody loved you. I'm so proud of you. DECLAN Thank you, darling. Where'd you get all these people? TAGGIE CAITLIN Daddy. TAGGIE Oh, look. MR MAKEPIECE Hello, Agatha. Bet you didn't expect this lot. DECLAN Oh. COTCHESTER TEAM MEMBER Sorry, we were a bit rowdy with you. This is from all of us. RUPERT MR MAKEPIECE Hey, Rupert. I reckon she's a keeper, don't you? RUPERT No, mate, she's our top striker. RUPERT We did good, right? We did okay? TAGGIE You were grea-- SEB Hey. TAGGIE Hey. SEB SEB It's all back to yours apparently. TAGGIE Oh, apparently. RUPERT And why didn't you tell me he was bringing in Beattie? CAMERON I didn't know. I don't know what the hell he's doing. Something's going on with him. He-He knows something, or I-- RUPERT It's okay. We're gonna win this. CAMERON And what if we don't? RUPERT I'll look after you whatever happens, okay? Promise. RUPERT Can you come to the Priory? CAMERON I'm supposed to be here, but I'll slip away if I can. CAMERON WALLA PAUL Come on, Sarah. S-- PAUL Lizzie. Lizzie, listen, um, Sarah's not coming out. Would you just go in and see she's all right? LIZZIE Oh, I think you could go in if it's your wife, Paul. PAUL I can't be seen coming out of the ladies. I'm a member of parliament. JAMES Look, let's go grab a drink. The womenfolk can join us later. PAUL Thank you. LIZZIE SARAH LIZZIE Sarah, are you all right? SARAH Um, I must have eaten something. LIZZIE Nerves? SARAH That woman. Why's he put me with her? My big chance, and then it's her. Bloody Tony. Do you know, I spent my life running around after these men who just can't be trusted. And they have all the power. SARAH They just squeeze us out like toothpaste, not even toothpaste. They don't need us at all. LIZZIE Oh, I think they do. SARAH LIZZIE But fuck 'em, right? SARAH LIZZIE We should stop putting them first. Do what we want. Not just the right thing all the time. SARAH I'm not sure I've ever done the right thing. LIZZIE I've got to go. Uh, your husband's looking for you. SARAH WALLA TONY Thought I told you to fuck off. MONICA No, darling, it's me. MONICA I'm here to say come home. Archie's waiting in the car. TONY Why'd you have to bring the boy to see his father being humiliated? MONICA Now, we both know, it's not that you're angry about. But perhaps this is a test. It's time for you to decide. I've been loyal all of these years, but even my stoicism has a limit. So do be careful. Come home tonight, and let's talk about it. Because if you don't, I'll take the children to my sister's in the morning. WALLA BISHOP BRENTON Would be rather a thing to win it, though. Wouldn't it? DECLAN WESLEY I love you guys. RUPERT DECLAN DECLAN BASIL Legs on that, eh? I think I might be in there. RUPERT You fucking idiot. What if Declan finds out? Not to mention he's a friend, and it's wrong. BASIL BASIL You've never objected to a bit of wife-sitting before. BASIL Goodness. When did you get so morally fibrous? CAITLIN Dame Enid's on the piano. She's fucking amazing. VALERIE So, what happens now? FREDDIE We're just waiting on Lady Gosling to call to say if we're through to the next round. VALERIE FREDDIE You sure you can't stay? VALERIE Yeah. I've had a lovely time, but they're tired. So I'll take them home. Fingers crossed. FREDDIE Thank you, darling. Thanks for coming. VALERIE I'm really proud of you, Fred-Fred. VALERIE / FREDDIE VALERIE Love you. VALERIE Stop slouching, Sharon. You look like a potato. DECLAN Patrick, have you seen your mother? PATRICK Have another drink. Dad, relax. PATRICK / HENRY / GERALD CAITLIN Evening, Mr Fairburn. CHARLES I managed to escape. CHARLES / CAITLIN RUPERT Mmm. RUPERT / FREDDIE LIZZIE Hello. FREDDIE Hello. RUPERT I'm Cilla bloody Black. LIZZIE Do you think you'll get it? FREDDIE Lots of hurdles to jump yet. But I think we did a really good job tonight. LIZZIE Mmm. Oh. LIZZIE So is... is this a night off then? FREDDIE LIZZIE Mmm. FREDDIE Have you got any idea how fucking beautiful you are? LIZZIE / FREDDIE FREDDIE GERALD How are you? CHARLES Surprisingly well, frankly. Mother knew me this morning. First time in months. Made me feel like life is possible. And I wanted to say to you that even if you can't love me, then I think friends would be rather nice. GERALD Charles, I think I found someone to marry. CHARLES Goodness. GERALD Well, she's a-- a nice girl from a good family, and she-she likes me in the right way. CHARLES Do you like her? GERALD We get on rather well. I really think I could bear to be married to her. And especially if it meant everyone would stop asking me why I'm not married. It'll give me the respectability I need for my career, and-and... and then, we could be together. Still in secret. But safe. GERALD I don't know if I can live without this. Without you. CHARLES Mmm. LIZZIE / FREDDIE LIZZIE I've never done this before. FREDDIE What, sex? LIZZIE Adultery. I've written about it a lot. FREDDIE I've never met anyone I wanted to do it with before. LIZZIE / FREDDIE LIZZIE Mmm. LIZZIE It's so nice to feel software becoming hardware. FREDDIE LIZZIE / FREDDIE FREDDIE I'm going to declare this an area of outstanding natural beauty. LIZZIE FREDDIE LIZZIE DECLAN What's going on? WALLA MAUD I'm going to London. Malhar offered me a part in, uh, A Doll's House. DECLAN I thought you didn't get it. MAUD It's a different part. It's the maid. DECLAN You're playing the maid? MAUD Yeah, Declan. Yeah. Because as it turns out, I'm not a star anymore. As it turns out, I spent too long following you around for wherever you wanted to be, there for the children, so that you get to do what you want to do. I want to work. MAUD I need to work. And you of all people should understand that. MAUD And if you'd been even remotely available to me recently, you would have been part of that decision, but you weren't. So I made it myself. MAUD No. DECLAN DECLAN We need you here, love. MAUD You actually don't. Good luck with the franchise bid. TAGGIE Mummy. DECLAN Tag, stop her. She said she's going to London to do a fucking play. MAUD I am going to London to do a fucking play, and I should never have left it this long. MAUD Goodbye, my sweetheart. DECLAN Please don't go. Maud, please. MAUD MAUD You should get that. DECLAN Hello? Yes. Hi, Lady Gosling. No, no. Of course, no. I-I appreciate you calling. WALLA MAUD GUEST Yes! TV HOST And later tonight, the battle for the central south-west television region is on. Incumbent company, Corinium, now being challenged by Venturer, headed by Corinium's biggest star, Declan O'Hara, along with ex-showjumper and Minister for Sport, Rupert Campbell-Black. Today's meeting was to decide if Venturer has the capacity to be a serious contender for the franchise. TONY TONY Leaving already? CAMERON TONY Shall we pop to my office? CAMERON For what? TONY Never asked me that before. TV HOST Across the country regional television franchises are being renewed. Often the original incumbent sitting pretty, remaining unchallenged. TONY How long have you been sleeping with Rupert Campbell-Black? WALLA RUPERT / GERALD / CHARLES SEB What am I having? Just a bit. TAGGIE SEB Hey. SEB What's that? Just a bit. Yeah, a bit. TAGGIE CHARLES TAGGIE TAGGIE RUPERT DECLAN Yeah. TAGGIE TV HOST CAMERON I was spying on him-- on Venturer. TONY Oh. So what information did you fuck out of him for me? CAMERON Turns out I'm not a very good spy. TONY Oh, don't fucking goad me. There is no one in the world you could sleep with-- He is the worst man in the world. You knew that. TONY Oh, you fucking reek of him! TONY I'll give you whatever you want. I'll-- I'll ring my solicitor tomorrow. I'll start the divorce. I'll do anything. Just swear you will never let that man touch you again. Just let me have this one, please. CAMERON Mm-mmm. I'm sorry. TONY TONY I will sack you so hard! CAMERON You can't sack me. I'm resigning. TONY Your visa's tied to your job, darling! I'll make sure you're on the first plane back to America! CAMERON Yeah? I will marry Rupert. Then I can stay. TV HOST Venturer might have won this battle, but have they won the war? That's the question on everyone's lips. They have been successful putting together an impressive board comprising the great and the good of Rutshire. SEB Oi, lads, we're on. WALLA HENRY Yes. DECLAN People used to sit around the fire for their stories. Now we sit around the television. That is where we commune. Television has the power to bring us together. ) DECLAN Thank you. TONY Fuck you! CAMERON CAMERON TONY DECLAN To help us forgive each other. When we've had a stupid fight. To give us a window into other's lives. To bring new ideas into our homes. It is, I believe, the greatest art form man has created. CAMERON TONY CAMERON CAITLIN Where's Mummy? RUPERT TAGGIE Hi. RUPERT Hi. TAGGIE Uh-- TONY CAMERON DECLAN RUPERT Seb's a nice boy. You were right. TAGGIE Yeah, he's lovely. RUPERT He's a good sort. TAGGIE Yeah. Only, he's not you. RUPERT Oh, Tag. TAGGIE I don't know why I just said that. I think I'm tired. RUPERT It's the franchise. Cameron. I'm trapped. I can't get out of it. TAGGIE I'm not asking you to. RUPERT But she's not you. RUPERT I can't breathe without you. TONY ...first-ever television job, celebrity gossip columnist, Beattie Johnson. Heading up Uncensored. The naughtiest, most gossipy show on the independent network. Because that's what we do at Corinium. We serve you the television you want. Your station. Now and always.