ANNOUNCER ARCHIE BARTENDER BAR_EMPLOYEE BASIL BISHOP_BRENTON CAMERON CHARLES COMMENTATOR DAYSEE DECLAN DEIRDRE ENID FREDDIE GERALD GINGER HAROLD_WHITE HENRY HERMIONE HOST JAMES_VEREKER JOYCE JULIAN_HATHAWAY LIZZIE MAUD MONICA MR_MAKEPIECE NATHALIE PAUL PERSON_ON_STREET RADIO_SHOW_HOST RECEPTIONIST REPORTER RESIDENT RICHARD RUPERT SARAH SEB SHELLEY SHOP_OWNER STEVE TAGGIE TONY TOSHI VALERIE WAITER WALLA ARCHIE M-Mum said I could crash the party. TONY Long as you behave. SHELLEY Sex on the beach? ARCHIE Just the sex, please. SHELLEY JAMES Here you are, darling. Enjoy. SEB Can James's trunks contain his excitement around Mrs Stratton? Stay tuned to find out. SEB You okay? DAYSEE Never better. DEIRDRE Cream? So easy to burn in this heat. JAMES Mmm? SARAH Good idea. SARAH James, I'll do you if you do me. SARAH Thanks, Deirdre. JAMES Thank you, Deirdre. DEIRDRE CHARLES The path to true love never did run smooth, darling. DEIRDRE Fuck off, Charles. CAMERON You really know how to throw a party. TONY Oh, yes. I'm king of the fucking castle. WALLA DECLAN Catch. DECLAN All right, Freddie. RUPERT Everybody ready? ON-SCREEN TEXT {on shirt} Venturer RUPERT Smile, it's not a firing squad. DECLAN Right. Let's go. WALLA Declan. Look this way. DECLAN We are delighted to announce that we are a new consortium called Venturer, and we are pitching against Corinium for the Central South West ITV franchise. WALLA What? Declan. Declan. REPORTER When did you decide to make this bid? REPORTER Is it a personal vendetta? REPORTER Are you the only one on the team with TV experience? REPORTER Does Lord Baddingham know that you're taking him on? GINGER If I could have a word, Lord B. TONY Not now. GINGER You're going to want to hear this. TONY What is it? GINGER There's a rival franchise bid. Declan, Freddie Jones, Rupert Campbell-Black. TONY What the fuck! WALLA TONY Fuck! TONY Unbelievable! That bunch of f... amateurs think they can take me on? TONY You call yourself a fucking journalist? You should have been all over this! SEB I can't be everywhere. TONY Oh, pitiful. TONY And you! Why the hell didn't you know this was happening? GINGER I told you as soon as I found out. CAMERON All right, okay. We have to fight back. We're stronger than them, and we can prove it. TONY No one is to speak to anyone from... The fuck they called? GINGER Venturer. TONY Sounds like a brand of johnnies. TONY No one is to speak to anyone from fucking Venturer under any circumstances! Instant sacking if you do! TONY Why the fuck are you all wearing swimwear? Party's over! CHARLES CHARLES Sorry. HERMIONE ...not eaten at all? MONICA Not even his biscuits. TONY You back-stabbing whore. MONICA Tony. TONY Her husband, Rupert Campbell-Black, and Declan bloody O'Hara are bidding for my franchise. TONY Get out of my house! MONICA Tony, Hermione's my friend. TONY Not anymore. TONY Go on, fuck off! MONICA HERMIONE Oh, gosh. MONICA Hermione! HERMIONE I've never seen him so angry. HENRY That man is a monster. This sort of behaviour is just not on. DECLAN No, it isn't. HERMIONE DECLAN But this is what we're dealing with. Tony's gloves are off. RUPERT One good thing, Cameron obviously hadn't blabbed. Otherwise, he'd never reacted like he did. DECLAN Yeah, well, in an ideal world, he wouldn't have had a clue about us yet, except we had to announce early because you couldn't keep your trousers up and your mouth shut. DECLAN But from now on, we need to stay in full control of our campaign. HENRY A campaign, you say? DECLAN We're at war, Henry. HENRY Yes. DECLAN Now the hard work begins. DECLAN Gerald. GERALD Certainly. DECLAN These are copies of our draft application for all of you. Everyone needs to know this back to front so we can answer any questions that come our way. FREDDIE Thank you. GERALD Here you go. DECLAN We also need more television people. Producers who know how to make award-winning programmes. As wonderful as you all are, we lack practical experience. FREDDIE We also need to start a petition. Get the locals on our side so they come to the public consultation next month. DECLAN It is crucial that we make a good showing as Lady Gosling can pull our application. GERALD Here you go. BISHOP BRENTON I have a captive audience every Sunday and can certainly secure the support of my flock. ENID I will canvass my students and put up posters at the university. TAGGIE I can help out with a petition. Please. If you coach me on what to say, I know I can do it. DECLAN It's a lot to learn, Tag. ENID Then help her, man. General Patton was dyslexic. Never stopped him. BISHOP BRENTON RUPERT Taggie at the front of tank command. TAGGIE If that's what's needed. DECLAN Thank you, Tag. RUPERT Here, I have an idea. DECLAN Hope it's better than your last effort. RUPERT Fuck off, Declan. DECLAN Oh, Rupert, give it a break, will ya? He's gonna-- RUPERT I've already acknowledged that it's-- FREDDIE Stop it. Stop it. FREDDIE Do you know why I've never had one strike in my factories? FREDDIE I let every man play to his strengths, but I don't interfere. We're all on the same side here. FREDDIE We need to pull together, not pull each other apart, okay? DECLAN Yeah. FREDDIE Good. WALLA ENID Your husband is very impressive. All this. In his element. MAUD Yes. And just when I thought he was mine again, the new mistress whisks him away. RUPERT God, I feel like the ball at the end of Five Nations at Twickenham. Everyone keeps having a go at me. I can't keep saying I'm sorry. TAGGIE Well, then stop doing things you need to be sorry for. TAGGIE TAGGIE Thanks, Ms Collin. Thank you so much. We all really appreciate it. SHOP OWNER WALLA TAGGIE Can I just have a moment of your time? Just here to talk about Venturer Television. We're currently going with a new fac-- PERSON ON STREET No. TAGGIE Oh, excuse me. Hi. Can I talk to you about, um-- PERSON ON STREET No, sorry. TAGGIE TAGGIE Okay. TAGGIE Um, hi, I'm Taggie. Um, I was wondering if I could talk to you about Venturer Television. RESIDENT Of course. TAGGIE Okay, great. TAGGIE Um, you happen to be free to talk about Venturer for a se-- RESIDENT No. TAGGIE Hi. Um, can I talk to you about Venturer for a s-- RESIDENT No, not interested. TAGGIE Okay. CIVILIAN It's okay. TAGGIE CHARLES Taggie. TAGGIE Mr Fairburn, I'm... I'm so sorry. I didn't know you lived here. I-- CHARLES Wait. CHARLES Fancy an illicit cup of tea? CHARLES All right. Come on then. CHARLES I was hoping to run into you. To thank you for New Year's Eve. TAGGIE You were having a heart attack. CHARLES It wa... It wasn't a heart attack. It was, um, a panic attack. Started about a year ago. I don't tell many people, so if you could just keep it to yourself? TAGGIE Oh. TAGGIE Of course. Are you better now? CHARLES Definitely on the mend. After New Year's Eve, Rupert visited me at home and realised I wasn't coping with Mother. He put a rocket up social services. Now we have a district nurse every day. TAGGIE Rupert did that? CHARLES Yes. He was tremendous. ANNOUNCER The stars are hitting the red carpet in London today for the British Television Awards. Competition is tight in this year's drama series category. It could be the Life and Loves of a She-Devil, The Singing Detective, or will they go with this year's audience choice of Four Men Went To Mow? WALLA Mr Vereker, Mrs Stratton, over here, please! SARAH JAMES REPORTER Ms Cook! Ms Cook, this way! Over here! TONY Hello, boys. REPORTER Declan! REPORTER Minister! Minister! Over here! REPORTER This way, please! REPORTER How are you doing tonight, Mr Campbell-Black? Feeling lucky? RUPERT This is my first, uh, Television Awards. DECLAN Yeah. Listen, very good to see you. We'll chat soon. WALLA WAITER Champagne, sir? DECLAN Thank you. RUPERT I told you I could get us invited. DECLAN Well, got to say, Rupert, this was definitely one of your better ideas. RUPERT Yeah. DECLAN DECLAN See the look on Tony's face? DECLAN RUPERT So, who's the big fish we want to lure tonight? DECLAN Lots of potential, but, uh, that's Harold White over there from Grenada. He's my number one for programme controller. RUPERT Reel him in then. DECLAN Mm-hmm. DECLAN Harold! HAROLD WHITE Ah, Declan. Nice to see you. RUPERT Hmm. RUPERT Hoped I'd run into you here. RUPERT Thanks for keeping your mouth shut about Venturer. If it's any consolation, we didn't even read your application in the end. Declan thought it wasn't fair game. CAMERON Mmm. CAMERON At least someone in your consortium has integrity. You still won't win, though. JULIAN HATHAWAY Cameron Cook. I was hoping I'd bump into you. Julian Hathaway. I'm, uh, part of the group that's pitching for Yorkshire TV. And we'd very much like to talk to you about coming on board. CAMERON Mmm. CAMERON I'm happy at Corinium. JULIAN HATHAWAY Well, we can top what Tony's paying you. Our pockets are just as deep. CAMERON But not your vision, and I'm a vision kind of a woman. JULIAN HATHAWAY Well-- GINGER Fuck off, Hathaway. TONY What did that slimeball want? CAMERON He asked me to join his bid for Yorkshire Television. TONY And what did you say? CAMERON That I'm happy where I am. TONY Ah. CAMERON RICHARD Tony, hi. TONY Richard. RICHARD Hi. Great to see you at the board meeting the other night. Sorry, you remember my wife, Alicia. TONY So glad you're here. DECLAN Come on, Harold, you spent the last ten minutes telling me how unhappy you are. HAROLD WHITE You left Corinium in a blaze of alcohol-soaked violence documented on live television and every gossip columnist this side of Wapping. Hardly the ideal CV for the managing director. DECLAN Won't you at least think about it? HAROLD WHITE Look, you're a good friend, Declan. And yes, you are a very talented presenter, but running a franchise? It's a completely different skill set. And frankly, I can't risk my entire career on that kind of long shot. DECLAN Harold. DECLAN HOST Ladies and gentlemen, presenting tonight's award for the best drama series, please welcome Miss Nathalie Perrault. GINGER Good luck. WALLA NATHALIE It's so lovely to be back in the UK to present this award, and to have such a warm welcome. RUPERT NATHALIE The winner of best drama series is-- C'est magnifique! Four Men Went To Mow! TONY Yes! CAMERON GINGER Well done. TONY Well done. Well done, boys. TONY Oh. So proud. HAROLD WHITE Well done, Tony. TONY Good to see you. JAMES I'd want an award if I had to sleep with Tony. SARAH Mmm. She's a woman who gets what she wants, that's for sure. JAMES Hmm. TONY Mwah. NATHALIE TONY Thank you. TONY Thank you. Thank you so much for this British Television Award. It means a huge amount. TONY I remember the day that my dad brought home our first television, a Ferranti, it was quite the status symbol in . Big wooden, uh, box of tricks warming up in the corner of our lounge-sitting room. Um, my father, Lord Baddingham, loved television. WALLA TONY He spent his days walking the corridors of power with world leaders helping good men to win bad wars. And then he'd come home in the evening and sit down and watch Coronation Street. TONY He would have loved Four Men Went To Mow. Four Men Went To Mow entertains million people weekly. And that's in the UK alone. It's become a global phenomenon. TONY Dad, I hope I've made you proud tonight. Uh, but it would never have become what it is, a lauded and beloved national and international hit... without the real brains behind the programme and behind Corinium, the force of nature that is Cameron Cook. Cameron, this award is yours. CAMERON RUPERT CAMERON Mmm. Wow. Um, when Tony invited me to England to become a part of the Corinium family, he promised that together we would make award-winning television with integrity. CAMERON Thank you. This... This really means a lot. HOST Congratulations to Lord Baddingham, Cameron Cook, and the Corinium Television team behind Four Men Went To Mow. TONY Thank you very much. WALLA CAMERON TONY Get your-- CAMERON You're not scared somebody might see us? TONY Tonight I am all yours. CAMERON CAMERON TONY / CAMERON TONY What's happened? MONICA Walter Scott's dead. TONY Oh. MONICA And I'm sorry to ruin your first British Television Award. TONY You could never ruin anything. TONY I'm sorry. MONICA Mmm. TONY He was such a loyal animal. CHARLES I hope no one saw you coming here. Not that it isn't lovely to see you, but just if Tony knew. DECLAN Don't worry. I was very careful. CHARLES Thanks. Right. So what can I do for you? DECLAN We'd like you to join Venturer. CHARLES What? Did Taggie put you up to this? DECLAN She told me she saw you. CHARLES I don't need pity. DECLAN I'm not offering pity, Charles. You are still one of the best and brightest. A real whizz-kid. CHARLES Well, I'm a "was-kid" now. DECLAN Because Tony makes you feel worthless? He is wrong. You have so much to offer. You would make an incredible controller of programmes. CHARLES No. No, no, no, no. I-I can't. Not with Mother. The... The stress. DECLAN Okay, all right. All right. How about documentaries? It's where you started out. CHARLES I would love that. Thank you. Tea! DECLAN DECLAN Yes. TONY May our British Television Award be the first of many. WALLA CHARLES Bravo! TONY Now, you all need to sign new contracts. CHARLES What for? GINGER Standard practise in any franchise year. Tony needs to know that you're loyal. Miss Madden will have them on your desk tomorrow. JOYCE Signed and returned by Friday, please. TONY No holidays to be taken till this is in the bag. Not even sick days unless you're actually dying. JAMES There you go. SARAH Oh. CAMERON Between now and December, we are gonna wow the IBA with our creative output. TONY But we also need to discredit Venturer. Declan was desperately pushed for cash when he worked here. How's he raised funds? We should investigate any IRA connections. SEB Well, not all Catholics are terrorists. TONY Well, he's tried to blow us sky-high. Wouldn't put anything past him. SARAH Rupert's a government minister. Surely being a part of Venturer's a conflict of interest. TONY Mmm. No, sadly, but get your husband to ask about it in the House anyway. Nothing wrong with seeding doubts. TONY What about the bishop? Bet he's fiddled with a choir boy or two. TONY One for you to investigate there, Charles. CHARLES SARAH TONY But most importantly, find out who Rupert's sleeping with, Seb. There's gotta be something there. SEB That's not really the sort of journalism-- TONY I don't give a fuck! TONY I also heard Freddie Jones on the radio this morning doing his man-of-the-people shtick. TONY Ginger, remind Radio Cotchester I'm on their board. I don't want any more of that sort of coverage. GINGER Consider it done. TONY They'll be recruiting production people, so watch your colleagues. TONY Cheers. WALLA Cheers. TONY TONY Now fuck off, the lot of you. WALLA CHARLES Excuse me. SARAH CHARLES He was so angry. You need to be careful. DECLAN So he's really gunning for us then? CHARLES I've never seen him so determined, Declan. He's like a man possessed. He's going to try to destroy you. DECLAN Thanks for the heads-up. SEB You're gonna have to do better than that if you're gonna work for Venturer, Charles. CHARLES Oh, yes. Oh, very good, Sebastian. Very funny. D-Don't make that joke to Tony, though. SEB Oh, I don't make jokes about things not funny. SEB And you helping Venturer win the franchise, that isn't funny at all. TONY We've had word that with the rocketing AIDS numbers, the IBA wants real focus on family values. So, with that in mind, I thought... We thought that a programme on how to stay married would fly. Network slot, of course. JAMES Network? Uh, yeah. Uh, great. Marriage, um, finances, dual careers, housework, uh, sex, rows, decorating the house. CAMERON And we'd like you to front it with a lady very close to your heart. JAMES Sarah would be honoured. CAMERON I'm not talking about Sarah. I'm talking about Lizzie, your wife. JAMES Lizzie. Yeah, of course. TONY So the fewer working lunches you have with Mrs Stratton from now on, the better. Yeah? JAMES Absolutely, Tony. Uh... TONY Off you pop. JAMES Right, yes. Uh, okay. CAMERON CAMERON TONY LIZZIE JAMES Darling. JAMES Guess what? LIZZIE What? JAMES We've been offered our own show. LIZZIE What do you mean our own show? JAMES You and me. Tony wants to call it How To Stay Married. LIZZIE Us on TV? JAMES Well, it'll mainly be me, but Tony wants you too for authenticity. LIZZIE Well, I can't. My editor's screaming at me for a draft. There aren't enough hours in a day. JAMES Of course you can. There's nothing you can't do. Haven't I always said that? In fact, this show, it could be the push your books need to really, you know, sell. LIZZIE But I-I hate being photographed, let alone on camera. Can't you do it on your own? JAMES Oh, for God's sake! Of course not, Lizzie. Tony wants you. Us. He asked me personally. At least do the screen test before you decide to destroy my career. LIZZIE Okay. Fine. I'll do the test. JAMES This is gonna be the making of us. LIZZIE WALLA BARTENDER Here we are, ladies. Top up? BASIL Excuse me, what are my two favourite girls doing having a drink in my bar without letting me know? MAUD Ah, we're on the run from our humdrum lives. LIZZIE / BASIL BASIL Are you really? LIZZIE MAUD Oh, you are disgustingly brown. BASIL A few weeks playing polo in Argentina will do that to a chap. BAR EMPLOYEE Bas. BASIL No rest for the wicked. Excuse me. MAUD That arse. LIZZIE Well, we'll have to meet in secret from now on, or James will have a fit. MAUD Oh, good practice for having an affair. LIZZIE I've never had an affair. MAUD I think if I didn't have my admirers, I doubt Declan and I would still be married. LIZZIE Oh. MAUD What? He sleeps with his work. I need something. Everybody does. It's how people stay married. LIZZIE You sound like Rupert. MAUD I'll take that as a compliment. Really? You've never fancied just a little bit on the side? LIZZIE Much too complicated. MAUD I love complications. Makes life much more exciting. LIZZIE Mmm. TAGGIE Can I help you? CHARLES Where's your father? DECLAN Christ, Charles. What are you playing at? CHARLES Sorry. It keeps the Baddingham KGB off my trail. Something's happened. DECLAN So, now you know then. What are you gonna do, Seb? Tell Tony about Charles? SEB Declan, working with you was the best job I've ever had. What I'd like to do is-is join you. If you'll have me. I could be another mole in Tony's camp. I always fancied myself a spy. CHARLES Careful you don't get, like, carried away, Sebastian. Sorry, couldn't resist. DECLAN You really want to help us take on Tony? SEB Ousting bullies is what I went into journalism to do. DECLAN Head of news, perhaps. Welcome on board. SEB Mmm. CHARLES Bravo. SEB Thank you. BASIL Table for two? It's a bit public, isn't it? TONY Actually, we're here to see you. BASIL Right. TONY It's high time you joined Corinium. There's a seat on the board with your name on it. BASIL That's very generous of you. TONY I need people around me I can trust, who have my back. This isn't about work, it's about loyalty. Family. Saying that, Corinium's a very lucrative business to get involved in. CAMERON And we've got amazing programme plans in all areas. So this is really the time for you to join the board. RUPERT RUPERT Good afternoon, Tony. BASIL I've just signed with the other side. Rupert's promised to put Polo on television, something I'm interested in that you've always dismissed as ridiculous. BASIL You only want me to join your board so you can impress the IBA with your... your family values. Whereas Venturer asked me because they know what I'm worth. I'm not just your little brother, Tony. I'm an asset. TONY No. The only asset you have is the Baddingham name, and you got that by the skin of your illegitimate teeth. Rupert asked you to try to hurt me. That's how desperate he is. BASIL TONY Look at you all. A drunk, an oik, and a washed-up showjumper. TONY All you've got in common is overblown ego. I'd enjoy destroying you all, but you'll implode all by yourselves. DECLAN DECLAN Tony's right though, isn't he? Nobody would touch us with a bargepole. RUPERT We have morals. That should count for something. DECLAN Yeah, some of us do. TAGGIE What, so Bas isn't on board then? RUPERT It doesn't matter how many people join us. Declan's the only person on our team who's actually made any television. MAUD Well, you haven't lost anyone's respect if you just jack it all in. I-I mean, the whole of Fulham are desperate for us to return. I mean, we could even go back to Dublin. DECLAN DECLAN You said I'd have to drag you by your hair back to Dublin. MAUD At least someone will be touching me, Declan. FREDDIE Tony's got inside our heads. It's exactly what he wants. DECLAN But is he right? Is Venturer a stupid idea? RUPERT Morning, Gerald. GERALD Morning. Busy day today. Oh, and the PM's office called. RUPERT Mm-hmm. RUPERT To say what? GERALD Well, she thinks you've joined the wrong team in this franchise race. Backbenchers are beginning to doubt your intentions. ON-SCREEN TEXT {on magazine} COSMOPOLITAN PAUL Darling, do you think you'll be back in time to record my radio interview? I've left a blank tape next to the hi-fi. SARAH Oh, no, I'm not going to Corinium today. James is doing the screen test with Lizzie, so I thought I'd keep out of the way. PAUL Right. Mmm. PAUL I'm surprised you're so relaxed. SARAH What do you mean? PAUL Oh, come off it, Sarah. Lizzie and James's show goes well, Tony will want her for Round-Up too. All that real-life chemistry on screen. Can't beat it, hey? It's a shame, really. You being on TV was very good for our profile. SARAH Tony'd never do that. James wouldn't have it. PAUL Ambition is a cruel mistress. You need a strategy, my love. Before you are out on your ear. PAUL Toodle-oo. DEIRDRE Good morning, Mrs Stratton. ON-SCREEN TEXT {on door} JAMES VEREKER DRESSING ROOM JAMES Sarah, I've got half an hour till my How To Stay Married screen test. SARAH Yes, and I want to help you with that. JAMES No, absolutely not. SARAH Come on, you're so much better on screen when you're relaxed. JAMES I am completely relaxed already. SARAH Are you? JAMES Yes, I am. Look, Sarah-- SARAH James, what Tony doesn't know won't hurt him. WALLA LIZZIE Uh, Lizzie Vereker for the screen test. ON-SCREEN TEXT {on sign} WELCOME TO CORINIUM RECEPTIONIST Please take a seat. LIZZIE Thank you. WALLA RECEPTIONIST Deirdre, Mrs Vereker's in reception for you. DEIRDRE Mrs Vereker, ready for your TV debut? LIZZIE Uh, not really, Deirdre, but do I look okay? WALLA DEIRDRE I'm sure wardrobe can do something. This way. DEIRDRE James is in here. Do you want to say hello first? LIZZIE Mmm. SARAH James. JAMES Sarah. DEIRDRE Let's get you to wardrobe. LIZZIE Mmm. STEVE All right, lights on birdie. Here we go, people. Camera's set. JAMES STEVE One, you're on the single, yeah? John, got two shots. Lovely. Right. LIZZIE STEVE Can we have the set, please, ladies? JAMES JAMES Big, red bus. Big, red bus in the morning. LIZZIE STEVE Red light! STEVE Stand by. JAMES Ready? STEVE Roll camera. LIZZIE JAMES You're gonna be marvellous. Oh, better to hold hands. Looks more married. LIZZIE STEVE On in five, four, three... LIZZIE James. JAMES One sec. JAMES Welcome to How To Stay Married. A new weekly series where we explore how couples last the course. JAMES "And share..." LIZZIE LIZZIE "And share our secret recipe for long-term love." JAMES Mmm. LIZZIE I'm Lizzie Vereker, a romantic novelist and mother of two. JAMES And you need no introduction to me, James Vereker. We've been married for seven-- Eight, is it? Oh, well, there we go. And we'll be your hosts for How To Stay Married. TONY What do you think? LIZZIE Eight. CAMERON Mmm. Lizzie needs work, but she'll get there. And it makes him much less plastic, like a real marriage. STEVE / CREW MEMBER / LIZZIE / JAMES CAMERON It's a great concept. TONY The show or marriage? CAMERON Both. RADIO SHOW HOST And now, moving on to a member of your own party, Mr Stratton. Someone that everyone seems to be talking about at the moment. Showjumper, member of parliament, and now television producer. What next? Joan Collins's husband? The minister for sport certainly gets around, doesn't he? PAUL Ah. Mmm. Indeed he does. And I think I can speak for the entire Tory party when I say that ministers should focus on what voters need. Not cooking up alternatives to Grange Hill. RADIO SHOW HOST So, could Mr Campbell-Black be gambling his political career with this franchise bid? PAUL Oh, I couldn't possibly-- RUPERT For God's sake, shut him up. RADIO SHOW HOST Oh, but su-- RUPERT RUPERT Turn off here. GERALD Where are we going? ON-SCREEN TEXT {on sign} W WEMBLEY ARENA South Exit RUPERT Come on, good girl. Good girl. COMMENTATOR And Rupert and Belgravia sail over the water and turn. WALLA COMMENTATOR Snakepit stampedes the course, as if the jumps didn't exist. A heroic effort. Thirty seconds faster-- RUPERT Keep it tight. Keep it going. There's-- Now, keep it together. Just me and you. Okay. WALLA COMMENTATOR Rupert Campbell-Black and Rocky have won gold! RUPERT Yeah! Well done, boy! Good boy, Rocky! Good boy! COMMENTATOR And it's Olympic Gold for Great Britain. Rupert Campbell-Black has done it, despite his dislocated shoulder. There will never be a victory quite like this. GERALD You all right, Minister? RUPERT GERALD What's happened? GERALD Has someone died or... RUPERT Only myself. RUPERT Come on. Let's go. RUPERT TAGGIE Right. Next stop Cotchester Rugby Club. Follow the road for three miles, then take the second left. You'll see the pub on the corner. WALLA ON-SCREEN TEXT {on shirt} Venturer WALLA ON-SCREEN TEXT {on sign} COTCHESTER RUGBY FOOTBALL CLUB MR MAKEPIECE Taggie, what are you doing here? ON-SCREEN TEXT {on sign} COTCHESTER R.F.C. TAGGIE I've come to talk about sport on television. MR MAKEPIECE To this lot? They're a bit rowdy. TAGGIE Yeah. But they're on my list. So... MR MAKEPIECE Right. Okay. Come on then. MR MAKEPIECE Right, shut up, you meatheads. This young lady has come to talk to you about television. RUGBY BUGGER All right, my lover! MR MAKEPIECE Off you go. TAGGIE Good afternoon. RUGBY BUGGER Get your tits out! TAGGIE I'd like to talk to you about Rutshire's sporting prowess. RUGBY BUGGER I'll give you prowess, love! MR MAKEPIECE Listen to the lady. TAGGIE S-- Venturer television... is pitching for its Central South West ITV franchise in the area. And we'd like your support on our campaign. We're really interested in rugby at all levels and we'd like to promote competitive sports in-- WALLA Can't hear you. What? What? TAGGIE Future. MR MAKEPIECE You better go, Taggie, love. Before they turn feral. TAGGIE I'll just leave this here. TAGGIE TAGGIE Take the first left off of the village green, and carry on straight down that road for about two miles. Turn left at the fork in the road and follow the signs to the end. On that road, you'll next be looking out for the post office, which should be in around the-- TAGGIE What fork in the road? There isn't a fork in the road. Fuck's sake. TAGGIE Shit! Shit. TAGGIE I'm fine. RUPERT Unlock the door. You okay? You okay? RUPERT There's a blind corner. Sydney didn't see you. TAGGIE RUPERT You hurt? TAGGIE No. RUPERT Sure? GERALD She need an ambulance? TAGGIE TAGGIE No. No, I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm fine. RUPERT Take a breath. Take a breath. RUPERT I better drive her home. I'm... I'll see you tomorrow, Gerald. RUPERT You all right? TAGGIE Yeah. RUPERT TAGGIE ...road. You'll next be looking out for the post office, which should be in around-- RUPERT Is that you? TAGGIE Um, yeah, I'm terrible at directions. RUPERT You've not been travelling around on your own? TAGGIE Oh, I-I don't mind. We've got so much ground to cover. But, um, yeah, no, today was hard. RUPERT TAGGIE You're very quiet. RUPERT Too much to think about. TAGGIE You worried about the franchise? RUPERT No. God, no, not at all. No, worrying is for losers. TAGGIE Thanks for driving me back. RUPERT Least I could do after nearly running you off the road. TAGGIE TAGGIE Well-- RUPERT Um-- The PM's announcing the election tomorrow. When she does, I'll be canvassing all over the area. Why don't you come with me? Paddle the Venturer canoe. Better than slogging around on your own. We can even use the Tory loudspeaker to plug Venturer when no one from the party's listening. TAGGIE Is that allowed? RUPERT We'll make it allowed. TAGGIE Thank you. Thanks. Um, how are you gonna get back? RUPERT Um, I'll walk. It's... gorgeous evening. TAGGIE Okay, well, let's just-- RUPERT Yeah, yeah, there you go. TAGGIE Okay. TAGGIE Um, don't worry about the bid. You're a winner. You'll work out what to do. RUPERT CAMERON What the hell are you doing here? RUPERT Five minutes, please. Then I'll go. CAMERON Five minutes and then I'm calling the police. RUPERT Look, I should never have taken your application. It was a dirty trick to play. I can't take back what I did, but I can give you our application in return. Comes with an offer Controller of programmes. Carte blanche to make any show you want. CAMERON Wow. You can't afford me. RUPERT Yes, we can. But we can also offer you something more than money. Stay with Tony and you will never be a true partner. With us, you can be a founder, have an empire of your own. Read our application, sleep on it, do whatever you need to do, but we are deadly serious. We want you. CAMERON You know, I can hand that straight to Tony. It's a huge risk you're taking. RUPERT You're worth the risk. RUPERT There's a meeting at Penscombe, three on Sunday. If you like what we have to offer, come along. I... I think that was less than five minutes. CAMERON FREDDIE Hello. LIZZIE Freddie, it's Lizzie. FREDDIE Oh. Hello. VALERIE Get out of the way. FREDDIE I was just thinking about you. LIZZIE Really? FREDDIE Yes. If that's not too forward. LIZZIE Not forward at all. I was calling to see if you'd still like to take me for lunch one day. FREDDIE Oh. VALERIE The orange tropical one. Yes. That one. Yeah, put it over there. Sharon, what are you doing? FREDDIE Yes. Yes, absolutely. But only if you're sure. LIZZIE I am. And maybe book somewhere with rooms? FREDDIE Okay. VALERIE Put them down. You can't just-- FREDDIE LIZZIE TONY Cameron. CAMERON In here. It's Sunday. Are you okay? TONY I needed to see you. TONY Open it. CAMERON TONY If we win the franchise, I'll turn that into an engagement ring. CAMERON Okay. You just commissioned a show called How To Stay Married. TONY As you said, it's a great concept with the right person. TONY I never want to lose you. TONY So, when we win, I say we make it official and get married. TONY What do you think? CAMERON WALLA FREDDIE Rupert, we need to start. GERALD Good to see you. CHARLES You too. BISHOP BRENTON Uh, I'm expected at the Mothers for Christ tea at five. RUPERT Right. Well, I have got good news and, uh, other news. Uh, I put Penscombe up as collateral, secured a million loan. So add it to your stake. Should we win, we're covered for our first two years. CHARLES DECLAN Oh, wow. FREDDIE Bloody brilliant! BASIL But you... you put your house up as collateral? RUPERT I'm all in. GERALD Christ. ENID And the other news? RUPERT I offered Cameron Cook controller of programmes. CHARLES HENRY I say, i-is that the Black woman? GERALD Shh. Inappropriate. BASIL You've gone mad, Rupert. RUPERT And I gave her our application, so she can see what's on offer. DECLAN I'm sorry. You did what? CHARLES Why would you do that? SEB What the fuck? TOSHI What did she say? RUPERT She didn't. Um, but I told her if she was in, to be here at three o'clock. DECLAN F-- FREDDIE It's nearly half past. RUPERT I wanted to secure the win. You hadn't found a controller of programmes. She's Tony's only trump card. CHARLES So you thought you'd just give her all the other cards too? SEB She gives our application to Tony, and he will sabotage all our plans. RUPERT She won't do that. She's fucking amazing. We need her. BASIL You do, you mean. On her back. RUPERT Fuck off, Bas. CHARLES I joined this consortium to get away from bullies like her. Now, I have to put up with her when we win. DECLAN Fortunately, no, because that treacherous bitch clearly isn't coming. CAMERON That's where you're wrong, Declan. The treacherous bitch is here, and she's come to join your side. GERALD TAGGIE RUPERT You absolute beauty. TAGGIE CAMERON Your creative vision for Venturer is dazzling. Look, I'm totally won over. But I can make that vision a reality. TAGGIE Sorry, Bas. Excuse me. DECLAN You expect me to trust you? CAMERON You'll be taking a risk. But you've seen how far I'll go for something I believe in. Surely it's a risk worth taking. RUPERT To Venturer's new controller of programmes. RUPERT Cameron Cook. GERALD Cheers. FREDDIE Cameron Cook. WALLA To Cameron Cook. Cameron Cook! MAUD Fucking stupid. RUPERT Right, let's get Cameron up to speed, shall we? So-- WALLA TAGGIE MAUD BASIL You okay? MAUD Declan will have his fucking franchise. What will I have? BASIL Hey. MAUD BASIL Shh. Mmm. Come on. RUPERT So, shall I see you later? Finalise the finer points of our relationship. CAMERON Sounds perfect. RUPERT / CAMERON CAMERON RUPERT TAGGIE Do you really think you can trust her? RUPERT I don't know. TAGGIE ARCHIE What's his name? MONICA Well, I thought Siegfried. ARCHIE No, no. Oh, hello. TONY Siegfried it is. MONICA Mmm. TONY Oh, give me five minutes. TONY We need to up our surveillance. GINGER We've tapped all the internal phones, and we're opening their post. TONY I was thinking more personal surveillance. GINGER On everyone? TONY Absolutely. Everyone. WALLA MONICA Siegfried. Siegfried. Come on, lad.