BECCA EDGAR FEMALE_SINGER GRETCHEN HONEY_NUTZ JIMMY KILLIAN LINDSAY MALE_RAPPER MALE_SINGER MAN SAM SHITSTAIN TY VERNON BECCA Vernon and I just want to thank you all for coming. Ever since I was a small girl, I've dreamt of this day. VERNON Me, too. BECCA Sure, in my fantasy, it took place at Fraggle Rock. BECCA I was marrying Johnny Depp. VERNON Me, too. BECCA But in all seriousness, it is so amazing to be surrounded by so many people who care about us. We really feel... so much love from you guys. And as the Beatles said, "All you need is love." And a Vera Wang dress. BECCA Vernon and I are looking forward to seeing you at our 50th wedding anniversary. Promised myself I wasn't gonna do this. BECCA Uh, Jimmy, are you having a-a good time? JIMMY Absolutely. Just so glad you invited me. BECCA Really? JIMMY Of course. Sometimes, well, you just want to witness the beginning of a disaster, so later, when the house is engulfed in flames, you can say, "Yup, I was there when they installed the faulty wiring." BECCA Unbelievable. JIMMY Just admit it. You only invited me here so you could passive-aggressively rub my nose in your happiness. At least I would have had the decency to rub your nose in it directly. BECCA Oh, yes, your commitment to honesty is so refreshing. It must be so hard being the only one who sees people for what they actually are. JIMMY It is. It's incredibly hard. BECCA Well, it's also gonna be what keeps you alone, because you are ugly and unpleasant and honestly, Jimmy, you're not the original you think you are. JIMMY I'm not original? Wow! That is hilarious, coming from such a... No, you're right. This day isn't about me, is it? BECCA What were you gonna say? JIMMY Forget it. BECCA No, I'm serious. I really want to know what does the brilliant Jimmy Shive-Overly think about me? VERNON You talk to her again, and me and my boys will mess you up. JIMMY Who talks like that? VERNON I'm serious, Jimmy. JIMMY Fine, not a problem. Enjoy your sham of a marriage! VERNON I will! GRETCHEN You got another one of those? JIMMY Pretty expensive. GRETCHEN Good job in there. JIMMY Getting married doesn't remove you from the burden of having to act like a human being. GRETCHEN Totally. Those two are doomed. JIMMY Right? Has any couple ever had a more dishonest start to a marriage? I mean, the balls to have a traditional Catholic ceremony. GRETCHEN When she's already had two abortions. JIMMY And can only orgasm through anal. JIMMY Mr. and Mrs. Cottumaccio. MAN Let's go inside. JIMMY Old Cottumaccios. JIMMY You're pretty. GRETCHEN Thanks? JIMMY How do you know her? GRETCHEN I'm friends with the sister. JIMMY Friends with Fat Lindsay? GRETCHEN Yeah, me and Fat Lindsay are hella close. JIMMY So, uh, what you heard about me? GRETCHEN Nothing, just that you're the worst. JIMMY Says the girl who just stole a blender from a wedding. GRETCHEN No. Really? Oh, man! I thought it was a food processor. JIMMY Who's the worst now? GRETCHEN Yeah, well... I don't know what I'm doing here. I'm not even attracted to you. JIMMY What does that have to do with anything? GRETCHEN Yeah. FEMALE SINGER Don't look ahead There's stormy weather... JIMMY What? It's L.A. Who doesn't drive? GRETCHEN DUI. I occasionally see this movie director guy. JIMMY Gross. GRETCHEN One time, he booty-texted me from some awards show. I was already at the bar, so I drove over to his house, and then he texted me he was going to be late, so I idly drove around his neighborhood... until I kind of sideswiped an off-duty cop. JIMMY Do you know, I'm glad this is a one-night thing, so we can reveal all this awful shit about ourselves. GRETCHEN Totally. High five. I'll get that. Okay, I like that. JIMMY All girls do. GRETCHEN Don't call me "all girls." Damn it. That's good, too. FEMALE SINGER Don't look ahead There's stormy weather... JIMMY You know, right before Becca broke up with me, I started reading her e-mail. GRETCHEN Oh, I've done that. JIMMY So even though I had warning, when she broke up with me, it kind of... just kind of knocked me out. Even though she's clearly a ridiculous human being, you know? GRETCHEN Yeah. Break-ups hurt. I've heard. I don't really do relationships. JIMMY Me, neither. Anymore. GRETCHEN So, what, are you one of those creepy foot guys? JIMMY No. I have nervous hands, and they have to stay busy. GRETCHEN Yeah, that's good. Oh, don't stop, you son of a bitch. Oh, yeah... GRETCHEN You just spit on it? JIMMY Yeah. GRETCHEN You just spit on my vagina. JIMMY So? GRETCHEN Don't! JIMMY Why? GRETCHEN Why don't spit on my vagina? JIMMY It's saliva. It's gonna get there anyway. GRETCHEN Hmm. And that's how I got crabs from my guidance counselor. JIMMY Hey. GRETCHEN Hey. JIMMY Right. Uh, I should get some sleep, so... GRETCHEN Right. Good night. JIMMY Wait. What? GRETCHEN Oh, relax. I'm just lazy. I'll sneak out in the morning. JIMMY No, there are no sleepovers. GRETCHEN Oh, too bad. JIMMY I have sleep apnea. I have to wear a CPAP machine. GRETCHEN Don't care. I'm a log. GRETCHEN You look like Top Gun. JIMMY Shut up. GRETCHEN I'm so glad I'm not gonna remember any of this in the morning. GRETCHEN "Never leave your wingman." JIMMY So stupid. EDGAR Morning. So, I've been thinking about ghosts. JIMMY Oh, the things that don't exist because there is no soul? EDGAR Mm... JIMMY What a great use of your time. EDGAR You know my great-grandfather Baldemar on my father's side, right? JIMMY What? No. How could I possibly know your great...? EDGAR Oh, he was this crazy adventurer guy who owned a ranch in Zihuatanejo, and he sold arms and was a matador. JIMMY What was his name? Voldemort? Never mind. EDGAR The coolest guy. Because I was thinking, he sounds like he had it all worked out, and maybe if I could learn his secrets, then I could fix my problems. JIMMY How would meeting your dead relative help you move out of my house? EDGAR No, I'm talking about my real problems. Like, the nightmares and the crying, and how I want to do heroin all the time. So, anyway, what do you think? JIMMY What do I think about what? EDGAR If I should hold a séance to contact great-grandfather Baldemar. JIMMY No. EDGAR I think I'm gonna do it. Thanks. GRETCHEN Why did you let me sleep so late? I'm famished. Nice place. EDGAR Hi. I'm Edgar. GRETCHEN Mmm. Gretchen. This is dynamite. EDGAR Oh, thanks. GRETCHEN So, how do you guys know each other? EDGAR Uh, we met in college. JIMMY No, we didn't. EDGAR Well, he was in college, and I sold weed to college kids. Then he started giving me books to read, 'cause he saw untapped potential in me. JIMMY I gave you books that I stole from Borders because I didn't have money for weed. EDGAR Semantics. Have you read his book yet? GRETCHEN No. EDGAR Sales were flatter than expected, plus he blew all his money on this house. That's why he has to do more magazine work, but you should read it. It's real good. GRETCHEN Okay. JIMMY At least buy your own copy. GRETCHEN Right. So, which one of you is giving me a ride to work? EDGAR I can't drive because I have PTSD and mild to medium battlefield-induced psychosis. GRETCHEN Bummer. Jimmy, you're up. JIMMY My car's at the reception. We took a cab. GRETCHEN We did? Damn. LINDSAY I can't believe it. GRETCHEN Drive faster. I'm late. LINDSAY You slept with Jimmy. GRETCHEN Apparently. LINDSAY Who used to date my sister. GRETCHEN Yeah, I know. LINDSAY And on the night of her wedding? GRETCHEN Why are you crawling up my ass about this, Lindsay? LINDSAY You know what a jerk he is. I told you all the time how he swallowed her up. She disappeared her life into his and was never the same. GRETCHEN Oh, that's 'cause Becca doesn't have a personality to begin with. LINDSAY Well, that's true. Ugh! Oh, Jimmy's the worst. Did he say anything about me? GRETCHEN Nope. LINDSAY You're not gonna see him again, are you? GRETCHEN No way. We did have fun, though. GRETCHEN Oh, God, I hope he doesn't think it was, like, an actual thing. LINDSAY No kidding. Um, get... Can you be careful where you're putting your makeup, and can you take your feet off the dashboard? This is a lease. GRETCHEN Okay. GRETCHEN Stop the car. LINDSAY What? GRETCHEN Stop the car! I'd rather walk than drive in this sterile, suburban, piece of shit car with my best friend being shitty and judgmental to me 'cause I had sex with a guy at a wedding. How many guys did you blow at our five-year reunion? LINDSAY Four. GRETCHEN Four? You told me three. LINDSAY I might have left out Tor Borgfeldt. GRETCHEN Ew! I'm seriously nauseated right now. LINDSAY Oh, God. We used to have so much fun. GRETCHEN Yeah, we did. Why'd you have to get married? LINDSAY I know. I'm sorry. Do you like my new haircut? GRETCHEN No, you look like Ellen Barkin. If you get your real estate license, I will stab you in the tits. JIMMY Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. KILLIAN Hi. JIMMY What? KILLIAN I just moved in... over there. JIMMY Of course you did. KILLIAN Why do you say that? JIMMY Because the death of any interesting neighborhood is the influx of white procreators. KILLIAN Oh, that's cool. My nutritionist is gay, too. JIMMY I'm not gay. I'm English. KILLIAN What's that? JIMMY A royalty check for my book for... $17.43. Do you know, if there was any doubt that the book industry was dead, it is here in my hand. R.I.P., literature. 2000 BC to this moment. KILLIAN You want to hang out sometime? JIMMY What? What are you even talking about? I'm an adult. Do you know what that means? It means that I am beset upon at all times by a tsunami of complex thoughts and struggles, unceasingly aware of my own mortality and able to contemplate the futility of everything and yet still rage against the dying of the light. So do you see how monumentally stupid you, a child, asking me "do I want to hang out sometime" is? KILLIAN My dad designs video games. We get all the new ones early. JIMMY Come over around 8 00. MALE RAPPER As rumor has it still I followed the rules Of Frank Abagnale So catch me if you can There ain't people... GRETCHEN What the crap?! SAM You know I get nervous at these shits. GRETCHEN You are paying a guy to take your photograph, and you trash his studio? SAM You weren't here! Unprofessional as shit! A publicist who can't show up at publicity events? Don't even know what I'm paying you for, Gretchen! GRETCHEN The label pays me. SAM You know it all gets charged against my end, bitch! Label is villains. From now on, I'm just gonna drop free mix tapes and Vines of my guinea pigs! GRETCHEN You need to apologize to Nestor so he doesn't sue you. SAM Let him. I'll lawyer the hell up! GRETCHEN Nestor is a great photographer. We need him. SAM Anyone's a good photographer now. Shitstain take amazing Instagrams. SHITSTAIN No filter. HONEY NUTZ Yeah! @Shitstain! SAM Anyway, bitch, this is your fault. You need to apologize to him for being such a no-showing-up bitch! MALE RAPPER Get down, get down Get down, get down Get down, get down Get down, get... SAM We're sorry we broke your shit. GRETCHEN Okay, good. Nestor, we'll talk about restitution? Hey. You okay? SAM Yeah. Hell were you doing anyway? GRETCHEN Nothing worth talking about. SAM You still need to make it up to us. I'll fire your ass, and it won't mean shit to me. GRETCHEN Yes, it will. SAM I'm serious. You owe me, Gretch. GRETCHEN Okay, Sam. What do you need? SAM You need to kiss my quarter-Chickasaw ass! Then you need to get me some cocaine. I'm too famous to get it myself. I'm not playing. You on probation now. Yo! Ooh! Wait now. Hold on! High five. Put her there. She's hot. EDGAR I got your car towed back here. And look who I found getting out of a cab. GRETCHEN Don't worry. I forgot my purse. Not on purpose or anything. EDGAR I'm gonna leave you two alone. GRETCHEN He's sweet. It's nice that you let him live here. JIMMY You know your purse had food in it. It was covered in ants. Who keeps food in their purse? GRETCHEN Whoa. What's your problem? JIMMY Well, I've had a really shitty day. And then I come home to find that my bedroom is a goddamn '50s sci-fi movie. And why would you stay over, huh? That's amateur hour. GRETCHEN Here I was worried you were gonna get the wrong idea about last night. So thank you for saving me the speech. JIMMY You were gonna make a speech? GRETCHEN Okay, forget it. JIMMY Yeah, no kidding. Save your breath. GRETCHEN I don't know what planet that you're from, but on my planet, someone like you does not just get... this! Congratulations, you bagged a weakened gazelle. That's right. I'm still stupid-hooked on someone else who is eons further than you in the evolutionary scale in all categories except maybe unearned ego and back fat. What? You so value honesty, you had to chew a bride out on her wedding day in the name of it? Well, why don't you face this giant hunk of truth, Jimmy? There is a fat asterisk next to my name on your skank-ridden little bone list and it reads, "She probably would've gone home with anyone that night!" So thank you! Thank you for my wake-up call, Jimmy Stupid-Three-Names. You are officially my bottom. Hey, you. TY Kiddo. What a surprise. GRETCHEN I was just in the neighborhood. TY Uh, I have an early call time. But... Yeah, come in. Last time you said you were coming over, you never showed. I thought you'd grown sick of me. GRETCHEN Nah, you're all right. TY You're so beautiful, Gretchen. EDGAR Hi. KILLIAN Hi. EDGAR You busy, Jimmy? JIMMY Yep. EDGAR Well, could you, like, pause it for a second? JIMMY No. What's wrong with you? Give me the controller. EDGAR No. I've watched you for two years now get girls to come home with you, and they're always gone in in the morning. JIMMY Sorry, I can help it if she refused to leave? Give me my controller. EDGAR No. JIMMY Fine. EDGAR I'm sorry I have to do this. Now, I don't mind you being jerky with me because I know you care. JIMMY What the... No, I don't. EDGAR Yes, you do. JIMMY You're just an animal living in my house. EDGAR But Gretchen stayed, okay? You say she forced you, but we both know there's not a person on this planet that's ever had a good outcome trying to force you to do anything. She stayed, man. And that means something, whether you want to admit it or not. I'm gonna let you go now. JIMMY Why would I even listen to you, eh? You're a mental case. You're on, like, a billion medications that all say "Take for batshit craziness." EDGAR I was defending our country. JIMMY Oh, please. You weren't defending anything except for the business interests of evil men. EDGAR Jimmy, our country is the business interests of evil men. JIMMY That may be the most intelligent thing you've ever said. EDGAR Thanks. JIMMY You're still a goddamn lunatic. EDGAR Hey, wait. Come on, man. W-Wait. Where are you doing? JIMMY To a bar, where I can drink in peace. Come on, Killian. All right, call the police. EDGAR On me? JIMMY Someone's stolen my car. EDGAR No, Gretchen took it, remember? JIMMY Gretchen took my... Sorry, Gretchen took my car? EDGAR Yeah. I saw her driving it away earlier. I figured you loaned it to her. Come to think of it, I did think that was kind of weird. JIMMY She doesn't have a license! EDGAR Huh. She must've stolen your keys from the counter. You got to admit, that's kind of a baller move. KILLIAN You guys are fun. GRETCHEN Um, hey. TY Yes, Gretchen? GRETCHEN Can we just take a little break? TY Sure. GRETCHEN So... what's the worst thing you've ever done? TY Gretchen, you know ever since India I don't dwell in negativity. GRETCHEN I set my high school on fire to get out of a math test. TY What? Why are you telling me that? That's horrible. GRETCHEN Never mind. Kidding. TY Oh, you're a marvel. Ooh, that's terrific. Yeah. TY Did you just spit on me? GRETCHEN No. Yes. Sorry. TY Oh, Gretch. Mmm. That's delicious. GRETCHEN Do you still have cocaine? GRETCHEN Hello? JIMMY What are you doing? GRETCHEN Nothing. Just... ...reading. JIMMY Hey, you won't believe this. Someone stole my car. GRETCHEN Oh. God, that's... awful. JIMMY Yeah, I have to file a police report in the morning. GRETCHEN I may have borrowed it. JIMMY I know. GRETCHEN Oh. Well, sorry. I told you I'm the worst. JIMMY Actually, no, you said that I was the worst and that I was lucky to get you. GRETCHEN Yeah. About that... JIMMY No, don't apologize. It was a great speech. It was funny and true and mean. My favorite kind. GRETCHEN I set my school on fire to get out of a math test. JIMMY That's genius. Oh, and... I... lied to you before. I do have a foot thing. GRETCHEN Seriously? JIMMY Yeah. In fact, I was just trying to find the right clip online to, you know... s-so that I could fall asleep. But... nothing's quite right. GRETCHEN Oh. Do you want me to try? JIMMY What? GRETCHEN Shh. Let me think. JIMMY Come on, this is stupid. GRETCHEN Shut up. I have been walking around all day in these new shoes, and they are just so... hot and tight. JIMMY Oh, yeah? GRETCHEN And my socks are so... sweaty. JIMMY That happens. GRETCHEN I think I might just have to take them off. JIMMY You do that. Hey, you're, uh... very nice for doing this. GRETCHEN I am very nice. Jimmy... I'm scared of this shit, you know? I don't like it. JIMMY I don't believe in it anymore, so... GRETCHEN So if we both know that it can't work, then there's no harm. Right? JIMMY Right. What kind of socks? GRETCHEN Mmm... knee-high basketball socks. Orange and green stripes. JIMMY You're amazing. You're 19 types of trouble but... amazing. GRETCHEN Yeah, so are you. 19 types. Well, it's late. Did you finish? JIMMY I think the moment's gone, isn't it? GRETCHEN All right. Have a good night. Call me. JIMMY I will. MALE SINGER It might be impractical To seek out a new romance We won't know the actual If we never take the chance I'd love to collapse with you And ease you against this song I think we're compatible I see that you think I'm wrong But any time will do My love...