DAVID GUARD HEN_PARTY_GIRL_1 HEN_PARTY_GIRL_2 HEN_PARTY_GIRL_3 HEN_PARTY_GIRL_4 MARIO SIRI DAVID Hi. SIRI Hi. SIRI So what's it like staying with Mario, then? DAVID Yeah, it's all right. He gave me the spare room, so... It's good to have my own space, you know. SIRI How long can you stay? DAVID For as long as I want. SIRI What about his mum? DAVID No, well, she never stays there. She just keeps the flat. So... She seems pretty flush. SIRI Okay, so I don't have a plan or anything, for how we do this. But maybe, maybe you want to go first. I mean, if you have something you want to say first. DAVID Nah, I don't know. You go first. SIRI I know I'm the one who's wrecked everything, David. I know that. I mean, I just wish I could take it back, or make it go away, but I can't. DAVID Why did you do it? Why did you lie? SIRI Because I just couldn't take it anymore. DAVID Take what? SIRI I guess I've felt...for a while now, that I don't really know what I want. Or where the hell I'm going. That I'm just going around pretending that I know what the hell I'm doing. And really... DAVID What, so you've been pretending with me, too? Or what? SIRI No. I've always known that I want to be with you, David. It felt so fucking safe, you know. But... DAVID But? SIRI When we, or when that thing happened with her...it was sort of like... I just, I just sort of lost it. And I... It was as if I sort of realised that what we have, you could easily have with someone else. And I know, it sounds so fucking stupid saying it, 'cause it's bloody obvious, but...I've just never thought about it in that way before. SIRI It was like...the most precious thing I had... Or, you know, the one thing I really had faith in...wasn't certain anymore, either. SIRI And then I started to, like, think all these crazy things, that I had to sort of distance myself from you. In a way, break free or something. And I don't know why I was thinking like that, I just... I felt... I just fucking panicked. That's when I started messaging with him. And I guess I figured it wasn't that big of a deal just... Just messaging someone. SIRI But I know it was wrong. I know that. DAVID Why did you lie to me? All the shit I had to put up with, after we were with her. I don't think you realise. I was going around feeling like an absolute dick. And you were seeing him. SIRI I know. What do you want me to do, David? I'll do anything. DAVID I'm out of here. SIRI Mm. DAVID Shit... MARIO Hello there, flatmate! DAVID Hi. MARIO I know. The room feels so much bigger, right? DAVID Yes. MARIO Right, so I moved the bed over there, you can move it back if you want. Eh, this bloody thing has to stay, though. DAVID Okay. MARIO It's supposed to fold up, but I have no idea how to bloody do it. But come on... Scented candle. I mean...how good does that smell? DAVID Mm. MARIO Right? DAVID Mm. MARIO I bought it for you. It's a little moving in gift. DAVID Cheers. MARIO Ah! There you go. Ah... Comfy, right? Great place to chill out. DAVID Yeah, man... MARIO How, how did it go with Siri? Did you guys talk? DAVID She did most of the talking. MARIO So what did she say? DAVID Mm, just a load of crap. I don't know. MARIO Okay. Right, want to get something to eat? Like, go to the shop or something? DAVID Yeah, sounds good. MARIO Mm. Fuck you, man. You never catch me now. The quickest man without legs. MARIO I'm, I'm like not even hungry. DAVID What, how long has it been? MARIO 36 hours. So that's when you start producing glucose, right, and your brain's flooded with all these ketones. It's like, your body's natural energy source, so you become productive like hell. Oh yeah, and put a shitload of cream into this. DAVID Mm. MARIO And, um, no pasta for me. DAVID That's just turning to mush. Can't we just leave out the onions altogether? MARIO No, no, no. It'll taste great. It's just those big pieces that are... DAVID I can't even stand this close. MARIO But honestly, David, you really ought to try fasting, right. I mean, all the main men do it. Like Socrates, Plato, Marcus Aurelius. And, you know what, I totally get why. It really clears out your head. I feel like a fucking laser beam. It's like taking a gram of coke, only better and more natural. Some fucking life hack, man. Fucking life! DAVID You know what the really fucked up thing is? MARIO What? DAVID I knew she had been with someone else all along. But she, she just full on denied it. So I started thinking, "Shit, I'm the one with a problem here." That I was starting to imagine shit that wasn't... I mean, she made me feel guilty. She just sits there, right in front of me, and I ask, I just ask her right out. "Have you been seeing someone else?" DAVID And she swears, she swears to me right, I mean, lies to my face. And she fucking knows she's doing it, too. How the hell could she? And there she was today, giving me some fucking bullshit explanation. Saying she'll do anything for me, and how she fucking loves me. If you love me, why the hell did you fuck someone else? I mean... I just don't get it! MARIO That sucks. DAVID I mean, she... Fuck her! DAVID I just don't know what to do. I feel like I'm losing my fucking mind. I feel like such a fucking idiot. So fucking stupid. I'm... I'm, like, embarrassed about how stupid I've been. MARIO I read this quote once that's quite good, that's helped me a lot, and it was like... "Shame is the power we give another person to wield over us." Don't give Siri that power. Hey. Want to do something, maybe? Go out, just fill your head with whatever, some other shit. DAVID I don't know. MARIO Yeah, let's go out. I just need to eat first. MARIO Can I have two beers, please? MARIO Okay! All right. We'll do best out of five. Okay? The loser has to pay. Let's do it. Come on. DAVID shouts MARIO shouts MARIO Ooh. Hen party. HEN PARTY GIRL 1 Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! MARIO Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Hey, everyone. Sorry to interrupt. Eh, I just saw you're getting married. Congratulations. HEN PARTY GIRL 2 Thank you! MARIO Amazing. I'd like to show my compliments to the soon to be bride, and buy you all shots. Just give me a second and I'll be right back, ladies. MARIO A toast to the bride-to-be, and eternal love. I'm Mario, by the way. And we have David here. HEN PARTY GIRL 3 Let's take a picture of you guys. HEN PARTY GIRL 1 Hey, let's take a picture. Yeah. HEN PARTY GIRL 3 Yeah, let's take a picture! HEN PARTY GIRL 2 You have to take a picture. Yes. HEN PARTY GIRL 3 Give her a kiss. HEN PARTY GIRL 1 He has to earn it. HEN PARTY GIRL 4 Hi. DAVID Hi. HEN PARTY GIRL 4 What's up? DAVID Nothing. HEN PARTY GIRL 4 You look so serious. DAVID What do you mean, serious? HEN PARTY GIRL 4 You look serious, you look like something is wrong. What's up? DAVID There's... I don't, I don't know if I want to talk about it. HEN PARTY GIRL 4 Come on. We're here, we're happy. We're having fun. Are we? We're having fun? MARIO Drink, drink, drink, drink, drink! Yeah! HEN PARTY GIRL 4 You fucked someone else, so she fucked someone else. DAVID Totally fucking different. I didn't... HEN PARTY GIRL 4 Okay. DAVID Yes, she wanted us to do it, and she forced me to do it. HEN PARTY GIRL 4 Oh my g... I'm sorry, she forced you? DAVID Yeah. HEN PARTY GIRL 4 She forced you in on a threesome? DAVID Yes, she did. HEN PARTY GIRL 4 Do you hear yourself? Are you fucking serious, man? DAVID Are you fucking serious? What do you mean... HEN PARTY GIRL 4 My god! DAVID Like, I didn't do shit behind her back. And I didn't fucking cheat on her and lie about it. HEN PARTY GIRL 4 Oh my god. Fucking is fucking, okay? You fucked someone else, she fucked someone else. What is the problem? DAVID Oh my god. HEN PARTY GIRL 4 Just get over it. Seriously. DAVID Yeah, seriously. MARIO Oh, hiya, David. GUARD This is your friend? MARIO Yeah, yeah, this is my friend. GUARD He's had way too much to drink. MARIO Yeah, yeah, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'll take him home. I can take him home. Yeah. Thank you very much. MARIO Come on, man. Eh? All right. Let's go. Here. Bar. I'll go and grab my coat. DAVID I'm bleeding fucking everywhere. MARIO Yeah, we'll sort it out. Time to go home. DAVID No... You stay. MARIO No, of course I'll go with you. DAVID What about that girl, then? MARIO Forget about her. DAVID No, she's really hot. I want you to stay with her. She seems really sound. Her friend was moron, but... MARIO All right, but listen, I'll order you a taxi. DAVID No... MARIO Yes. DAVID I'll take the Tube. MARIO No, I'll order a taxi to take you home. DAVID No, I'll take the Tube. I can... I'll... MARIO Sure you're all right? DAVID Yeah. I swear. MARIO Right, okay. Then go straight home. DAVID Yes. MARIO No really, straight home, David. DAVID Yes. I'll go home. Don't worry. MARIO And text me when you get back. DAVID Mm. Kiss-kiss. MARIO Kiss. SIRI Are you all right? DAVID You got a plaster? SIRI Yeah. SIRI Hang on, hang on. Shit. Whoa. Hey, did you get this looked at? I mean, by a doctor or something? SIRI You okay? DAVID I don't want to talk or anything. Just lie here with you. SIRI Mm.