DAVID EMMA EVERYONE EVERYONE_ELSE LUCY MARIO SHANE SIRI TEAM_LEADER WILLIAM MARIO David? David? DAVID Mm? MARIO Have you eaten anything? DAVID Have you just come from work? MARIO No, I did a workout. DAVID I, like, didn't sleep at all last night so I'm still knocked out. MARIO Still knocked out? MARIO Let's do this. I'll take a shower and change, then we'll go and get something to eat. Come on. DAVID Did anybody say anything at work? MARIO No. Well, they've been wondering how you're doing and stuff, but... DAVID So what have you said? MARIO Just that you'd been sick. MARIO Eh, but... Like, um... Siri came by today and... DAVID What, at work? MARIO Mm. She wanted to, like, talk. DAVID Are you kidding? She can't fucking come to work. MARIO No, no, I know. It's a bit... DAVID I mean... DAVID What did she say? MARIO She said loads of things. She's a bit messed up, David. DAVID She shouldn't fucking be talking to you. I don't want you talking to her, either. MARIO No, no. I know, but it was like...she came to work, I can't really tell her to get lost. DAVID No... I mean... MARIO But what do you think of it all? DAVID I don't know. MARIO Okay. But how long are you going to do a sickie? DAVID What, has anyone said anything about it? MARIO No. But I guess I'm thinking it might be good for you to go to work. To do something and not just being at home and... DAVID I'm so fucking tired all the time. MARIO Mm. But you kind of get even more tired not doing something, too. Why don't you just come into work and see how it feels tomorrow? It's Friday. It's one day. Then you can leave and be home and chill all weekend. It's Shane's last day as well. He's going back to Ireland, you know., so we thought we'd go out and have some fun. DAVID Yeah, out on the town, I won't be able to fucking stick that. MARIO No, no, no. But maybe a pint? Have a taste. Come one. Listen to your uncle Baloo* here. Drag your fat arse to work tomorrow. And we'll have a fucking ball on Friday. TEAM LEADER Hey, how's it going? Are you feeling better? DAVID Yeah, I'm better, thanks. TEAM LEADER Good. Just a reminder I'm going to need a doctor's note since you've been out of the office more than a week. DAVID Okay, yeah. TEAM LEADER And there's another issue too. Your girlfriend was here yesterday and she was looking for you and she was really upset. TEAM LEADER And as you know, this is a work environment and it's not appropriate for her to just turn up here like that. DAVID Yeah, no. Yeah, I understand. TEAM LEADER So if you could just let her know for me. DAVID Yeah yeah, of course. TEAM LEADER Thank you. DAVID Thanks. SIRI Hi. DAVID Why'd you fucking come to my office? Are you totally off your head? SIRI But you didn't answer. I just, I just want... I don't know... DAVID Well, you get that you can't come to my job! SIRI But I couldn't get hold of you, I didn't know what... I don't know if it's... over or what's going on. I was just trying to... I don't know... DAVID Would you just stop stalking me, you're fucking embarrassing me, you get that? SIRI But David, I just want to talk to you, that's... DAVID Hello, thank you for calling Plus Phone South London, my name is David, how can I assist you today? SHANE I've got one small glass and one big glass. MARIO Oh, double fist! WILLIAM Do you really need that? EVERYONE Shane! Shane! Shane! Shane! Shane! SHANE So I look down at its little head... MARIO Head! SHANE ...and its claws and that, and it's still sort of alive but I'm just thinking, "this little fucker is dying", right? So I ran down, there were some people sort of behind us there and I was like SHANE "Listen. Have you got anything that I can put some water in?" Cause I've got this crab here in my hand, right? Like... SHANE So I ran down the street towards the water, to try to let it free. And for a moment I think we're in with a bit of a chance there. MARIO Ooh! SHANE And then before I know it, the little fucker is dead. MARIO Ooh! EVERYONE ELSE No!! SHANE In my hand. You know, I-I think the whole world should just be a bit kinder to animals. MARIO Preach! SHANE You know? MARIO Preach! SHANE I-I would like to be one of those animal... MARIO Animal rescuers. SHANE Animal rescuers! Yeah, I wanna be one of those. MARIO I'm gonna miss you, Shane. EMMA Shane! EMMA Come here, you sexy Irish fuck. What have I missed? MARIO Next. Next, next. Shane. Shane, a big ball. Next! Next. EMMA Look where you're going, you fucking prick! You're all a bunch of dickheads. MARIO Could I have one beer and three tequila shots? LUCY Where's my tequila? LUCY No, no, no, no, no. A good ballsack is when there's a good balance between the balls and the sack. EMMA Yeah. LUCY A bad ballsack is when there's too much skin, like a bag with all this floppy skin and two small nuts that's chilling way down. EMMA Or when they've got, like, no balls at all, they're, like, right up here. EMMA No sack at all, and they ask you, "can you lick my balls", and you're like, "yeah, sure, if I can find them". And they have to, they have to press them down! MARIO Excuse me, send the elevator down! EMMA Exactly! LUCY How's your ballsack? MARIO Oh, very well balanced. You'd love it. LUCY Can I feel it? MARIO No, you cannot feel my ballsack. LUCY Oh, come on! Why not? MARIO It's my ballsack. LUCY Oh I'm sorry, it this a touchy subject for you? MARIO Erm, not at all, I'm just reacting to you asking if you can feel my ballsack. WILLIAM Look, you can feel my ballsack if you want to. MARIO Yeah, yeah. Don't be shy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Feel it. Yeah, feel it, yeah. EMMA That is expressive. MARIO Okay. Okay, so are you a feminist? Are you a feminist? LUCY Am i what? MARIO What if I asked you if I could feel your pussy LUCY Oh my god, are you seriously gonna lecture me about feminism now? MARIO I'm asking you if you are a feminist. LUCY I'm a woman, bro. What do you think? Are you a feminist? MARIO Of course I'm a feminist. LUCY Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course you are...! MARIO I love the sarcasm! Honestly, personally I think it's a gift to all men, feminism. LUCY Really? Feminism is a gift to men? MARIO Yes. And I strive to leverage my pre-assumed authority of being a man to argue that the system that gave me that authority is fucked up. LUCY Yeah, well I think any guy raving about being a feminist is simply hi-jacking the label just being a to score points. Making feminism all about them, like everything else. EMMA Preach, preach, preach, preach, preach! LUCY I don't think guys should call themselves feminists. MARIO Okay, so-so, wait. No, so you are not pro equality of sexes then, are you? LUCY No, no, no, that's not what I'm saying. MARIO It is, you just did. LUCY Men can name themselves as advocates for the movement, or male allies, or pro feminism, but they should never call themselves feminists, cause they are not fucking entitled. MARIO Wait, wait. I am a feminist, so... LUCY Whatever. Whatever. MARIO I'm also a humanist. I'm also a humanist. LUCY I apologise for wanting to feel your ballsack. MARIO You don't have to apologise. LUCY Can we just drop the subject? MARIO You don't have to apologise. SHANE I apologise... MARIO But honestly, it's about you being a human being. At the end of the day, when I look myself in the mirror, I don't see gender, I see a human being. LUCY Yeah, that's because privilege is invisible to those who possess it. EMMA End of conversation! SHANE Oh my god! EMMA End of conversation! MARIO Oh, no, no, no. Okay, fun fact, though, still on your favourite topic, though. It's about balls, right. Did you know that chimpanzee ballsacks grow for every orgasm? How sick is that? LUCY Where the fuck does that come from? MARIO YouTube! LUCY Yeah well, there's another clip on YouTube of a chimp wanking off with a frog. You should try that. MARIO Oh, I love that one, I have. I have, it's great. Works every time, like a charm. EMMA So how are you? DAVID Good. EMMA Someone said that you'd broke up with your girlfriend. DAVID What? EMMA Someone said that you'd broke up with your girlfriend. DAVID Who said that? EMMA I dunno, just someone. LUCY Baby, babe, Look. EMMA No! LUCY Yes. EMMA What's he said? MARIO I don't know. DAVID Well who the fuck is it, then? MARIO I don't fucking know. DAVID Someone's talking shit, obviously. MARIO Yeah, but Siri came to the office, right? We were in reception, she was well upset, people walked by. People get these things. DAVID I can't stand people talking shit. MARIO No, I hear you. DAVID No, it's got fuck-all to do with that. MARIO No, I hear you. MARIO You wanna go home? MARIO Fuck, David. Listen, straight up. And I don't want to make things worse, but what Siri has done to you is so fucked up. Okay? And I get it, I get that you're sad and that you don't want people to talk and shit, but fuck them, okay? You need to have fun now. Screw them, fuck them. MARIO Hey, do you want another line? Huh, you want another line? Hey? DAVID I'm sorry. DAVID You wanna turn around for me? DAVID Fuck... I'm sorry. DAVID You wanna touch yourself? Is that okay? Yeah? DAVID Fuck... I'm sorry. DAVID I'm sorry. EMMA Lie down. DAVID What? EMMA Lie down. DAVID I'm sorry. It's not gonna happen. EMMA It's okay. DAVID Do you wanna finish? Do you want me to help you? EMMA No. DAVID Okay... EMMA Have you got my bra? SIRI Hello. DAVID Hi. DAVID What are you doing? SIRI Trying to sleep. What are you doing? DAVID I'm sitting on Mario's roof. SIRI Ho-ho-how are you? DAVID So-so. DAVID And you? SIRI Not so great. SIRI Can't we meet and try and talk? Please David. DAVID I don't know, Siri.