ALMOND ALYSON ARCHIE AUTOMATED_VOICE BACKSTROM BRIAN_JONESTOWN_MASSACRE CASSANDRA CHARLES DR_DEB_CHAMAN GRAVELY MAN MOTO NADIA NEWS_ANCHOR NIEDERMAYER REBECCA_FORRESTER SENATOR_PERCIVAL VALENTINE VISSER WOMAN DR DEB CHAMAN What do the following have in common? Hypertension, hepatitis, anemia, enlarged heart. BACKSTROM I got them all, and you could use them to fail me out of my job. DR DEB CHAMAN More importantly, they could kill you. Are you still drinking? BACKSTROM Absolutely not. DR DEB CHAMAN When a patient says, "absolutely not," he's absolutely lying. BACKSTROM If you Hindus are so smart, how come 98% of you live at the dump? DR DEB CHAMAN Five years ago, you were demoted to Traffic because of your health. BACKSTROM That's just an excuse. DR DEB CHAMAN Please. Share the truth with me. BACKSTROM Okay, I will. I arrested a white supremacist for killing six Indians. Not Tandoori Indians like you, but, you know, the "whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo" Geronimos. DR DEB CHAMAN You were demoted for catching a mass murderer? BACKSTROM That, and at the press conference I sang... BACKSTROM One little, two little, three little Indi DR DEB CHAMAN Despite that, we have a police chief three months on the job who wishes to bring you back. BACKSTROM Chief Cervantes and I were detectives together. She totally appreciates the full Backstrom package. DR DEB CHAMAN First you must convince me that you will not drop dead chasing a villain down an alley. BACKSTROM BACKSTROM I'm an underpaid Hindu police doctor. How much payola would it take to pass a guy on his physical, nobody gets hurt? DR DEB CHAMAN You get hurt. You will die. MOTO Sorry to interrupt. Detective Backstrom, you're needed. BACKSTROM Dr. Deb, meet officer Frank Moto, the reason I will never have to chase villains down the alleys. MOTO Oh, yeah. Chasing's my job. Hey, there's a dead body at the college. BACKSTROM All right. We're done here. DR DEB CHAMAN This is my prescription. BACKSTROM "Make a friend"? What am I, 6? DR DEB CHAMAN You have one week to fill the prescription, or back you go to Traffic. BACKSTROM Dr. Deb, two things. One knowing I don't have long to live gives me the courage to do what's right. Two...Deb is a girl's name. MOTO Campus cops identified the dead boy as Tobias Percival III, only 19 years old. BACKSTROM The third? Who's his daddy? MOTO Well, that would be Senator Tobias Percival II a senator. BACKSTROM Where's my corpse? Oh, looky here. I thought you said he was a jumper. MOTO Oh, yeah. He jumped. ALMOND It's the cord around his neck that kept the boy from hitting the ground. Good morning, lieutenant. BACKSTROM Detective Almond. Now, you're a religious man. Is it true suicides you go straight to hell? ALMOND Is it true that cigars turn your lungs to Chernobyl? BACKSTROM I'm a rich, white Senator's pretty-boy son. I get up before dawn in the pouring rain, and I hang myself from a bridge. Why? 'Cause I got manhood issues. NIEDERMAYER Detectives! I have some preliminary forensic thoughts to share if you would care to ascend. BACKSTROM Why does Niedermayer talk that way? ALMOND I don't know. You know, it's a good thing the chief sent us out on a high-profile suicide. BACKSTROM Yeah, six weeks backing up homicide, we got our first real dead body. Oh, happy day. ALMOND I'm saying we find out why the Senator's son commits suicide, maybe our next catch is a real homicide. MAN Thank you. GRAVELY Morning, lieutenant. "How was your physical?" She asked as she watched him puffing on a stogie. MOTO The doctor prescribed the lieutenant to make a friend. GRAVELY What's that the holistic approach? BACKSTROM My doctor's a Hindu, Gravely. I'm lucky he didn't have me make friends with a cow. BACKSTROM Okay, make way. Coming through. GRAVELY Campus cop found the body hanging from the bridge during the 6:00 a.m. security sweep. NIEDERMAYER Ligature matches the missing bootlace. No rigor, so the body's been dead for less than three hours. BACKSTROM What did I say about forensics, Niedermayer? NIEDERMAYER Forensics are for the jury, Lieutenant, but to quote the Buddha, "Things are not as they appear, nor are they otherwise." BACKSTROM As it appears for the lieutenant, this boy had manhood issues. GRAVELY Well, that is an extremely specific conclusion to come to so early in a suicide investigation. NIEDERMAYER No doubt the lieutenant noticed the boy's work boot, which would suggest an adolescent male desire to be perceived as hyper-masculine. BACKSTROM Yeah. That's what I noticed. So, Gravely, what's your theory? Romeo got Julietted? GRAVELY Well, my theory is it's too early to have a theory. MOTO Well, you know what's big with kids nowadays? Getting bullied. GRAVELY Okay, other likely scenarios for male college student suicide are gay sex tape, addiction, anxiety, depression, and other mental illnesses. Schizophrenia, bipolar disorder. BACKSTROM I am professionally declaring this suicide a probable homicide. GRAVELY What?! Based on? ALMOND Gravely...homicides, the bureau covers meals. Suicides, we're on our own. BACKSTROM Who's up for a hot breakfast? NIEDERMAYER Uh, lieutenant. You were right. This is not a suicide. Tobias Percival died of a heroin overdose. GRAVELY Well, it's still a suicide if he got high before hanging himself. NIEDERMAYER Detective Gravely, the heroin was jammed into the victim's face with enough force look to scratch his corneas and to make his gums bleed. BACKSTROM Yes! We got a homicide! Almond, you should interview some suspicious character. GRAVELY What suspicious character? BACKSTROM Uh...That black African-American there. ALMOND On account of his color? BACKSTROM Stands out like a raisin in a bowl of buttered popcorn. GRAVELY Lieutenant, maybe we should call the chief. Maybe she wants to call in homicide. BACKSTROM No. This case was given to Special Crimes Unit. No take-backs. Listen, there's a very bad man out there who killed this boy and is trying to make me look like a fool, you understand? We are gonna get revenge, and that is called justice. GRAVELY That is called paranoia. BACKSTROM Almond, start with the campus cop. Gravely, get me lists of all the Golden Boy's friends and classmates. Niedermayer, come on! We'll go down to the morgue! We'll talk to Senator Percival II about what he did to get his son killed. ALMOND I wouldn't start the interview that way. BACKSTROM Make way. BACKSTROM Your son say anything to you about any trouble? SENATOR PERCIVAL You'd have to, uh, ask my wife. Toby and I, we weren't speaking. BACKSTROM Why? SENATOR PERCIVAL Sometimes fathers and sons stop talking. You don't know why. BACKSTROM You know why. SENATOR PERCIVAL Can we just say that I deeply, deeply disappointed my...idealistic son? BACKSTROM You cheated. SENATOR PERCIVAL 19 Suddenly, my boy's an expert on true love. BACKSTROM That's because he had fallen in love. Any idea with who? GRAVELY You get anything out of the Senator? BACKSTROM Kid recently fell in love, wouldn't say who with. So probably Mexican or old or something. I don't need to tell you about inappropriate love, do I, Gravely? Put out that cigar, heart attack. BACKSTROM I'm a whiz-bang uniform. I get promoted to Vice, where I go undercover as a high-priced call girl, and I decide to actually have sex with my johns. GRAVELY Okay, that's not accurate, and you're saying it to me while I'm armed. BACKSTROM Go ahead. Put me out of my misery. GRAVELY Our misery. BACKSTROM GRAVELY Your next step is to search the victim's dorm room. BACKSTROM No, that's your next step. My next step is to search for images of naked ladies on my office computer. GRAVELY They won't let me search the dorm room until they talk to the head of special crimes. Which is you. BACKSTROM I know who I am. Who's "they"? REBECCA FORRESTER It's a matter of jurisdiction. Campus police handle student suicide. You understand. BACKSTROM You don't. Kid was murdered. GRAVELY Lieutenant, perhaps a nice muffin. REBECCA FORRESTER Tobias Percival was murdered? GRAVELY Yes. It was a forced heroin overdose. BACKSTROM My doctor, Deb, says that sugar is a drug and there should be a policy against it like there is for any dangerous substance. REBECCA FORRESTER If heroin was forced upon Percival, then technically, the college's drug policy is moot. GRAVELY Detective Backstrom was talking about sugar, not drugs. Have there been other incidents on campus involving heroin? BACKSTROM Absolutely not. Oh. When a person says "absolutely not," they're absolutely lying. GRAVELY Is the college impeding a homicide investigation? BACKSTROM Huh. I'm a typical rich kid who thinks someone else is gonna clean up my mess. Oh, look. Wooden hangers. There's a sign you got too much money. GRAVELY You don't really believe what you said before about all murder victims deserving what they get, do you? BACKSTROM Yeah, I really believe it 'cause it really is true. GRAVELY Okay, maybe it's a generational thing. Maybe I'm just an optimistic Millennial and you're a pessimistic Gen X, but I still believe in innocent victims. BACKSTROM What did you do? Read a book on how to work with me? GRAVELY It's not just you. It's all of the old BACKSTROM Old? GRAVELY ...Der. Older people that I have to work with. BACKSTROM This isn't generational. This is about how many murders have you solved. How many have you solved? Ah. It's okay. You probably read a book on it. BACKSTROM I'll tell you one thing that's not in any book. Toby Percival did something that got him murdered. We figure out what, we'll know who. GRAVELY Nadia, I've got something for you. NADIA Shoot it at me. GRAVELY It's just "shoot," Nadia. The college won't cough up the name of the kid who O.D.'d, and a warrant's gonna take days. NADIA You got it, hobbit. GRAVELY Here's a laptop charger with no computer. BACKSTROM Oh, yes. GRAVELY That is an excellent trick. Where did you learn that? BACKSTROM Boys hide things from their dads. GRAVELY What? An ounce of weed and some hand lotion? BACKSTROM "Cass." Yeah. I got about 1,000 bucks. GRAVELY And I got about a pound of heroin. GRAVELY The only thing missing from the victim's dorm room is a laptop. His academic advisor said there was a sticker on it like this one. Forensics? NIEDERMAYER The heroin found in the victim's sinus cavities matches the heroin found in the boy's dorm room. GRAVELY Nadia, victim's financials? NADIA Four withdrawals over the last five weeks totaling $52,800, leaving a balance of nothing doing. MOTO That's about the going rate for a brick of heroin. ALMOND Last year, narcotics shut down a pipeline of drugs to the campus run by the Cambodian kitchen staff. Currently, there's no supply of heroin to the campus, per Narcotics. NADIA But the boy was on campus, the heroin was on campus. Therefore, there must be some supply of heroin to the campus. ALMOND As instructed by Lieutenant Backstrom, I interviewed the suspicious black African-American, Charles Turner. 28. No priors. Exemplary work record. Football scholarship to "U" of "O." MOTO He was only suspicious 'cause he was black. NIEDERMAYER I'm compelled to disagree. Notice in this picture how Turner positions himself away from the city cops, like he's trying to avoid them. MOTO Well, I mean, there's nothing weird about avoiding cops. GRAVELY Campus cops, security guards they always bust their humps to mingle with real police. NIEDERMAYER Exactly I believe that Backstrom lives intensely in the moment on a higher plane of existence from which he's able to hear the universe speak. ALMOND The universe told Backstrom that Charles Turner is suspicious? NIEDERMAYER It registers subconsciously. MOTO Wow. That's deep. ALMOND It's deep something. VALENTINE All right, one of these is real and the rest are knock-offs. Can you spot the genuine article? What the hell? Are you eating broccoli? BACKSTROM Yeah. Deb says I'm gonna die 'cause I'm too big-hearted. VALENTINE That's rich. Who's Deb? BACKSTROM My doctor. VALENTINE Oh, well, she's right. BACKSTROM She's a he. VALENTINE Oh. BACKSTROM He also says I need to eat more vegetables, quit drinking... VALENTINE BACKSTROM ...and make a friend, or he'll fail me on my physical. VALENTINE Does Doctor Deb know about your prostitutes, huh, and your gambling and your cigars? BACKSTROM Hey, if it wasn't for hookers, I never would have met your mother. And if I hadn't met your mother, you'd have no place to live right now. VALENTINE My mom is very grateful you took me in, and so am I. Anyway, that makes us practically friends. Why don't you tell that to Deb? BACKSTROM No. A queer tenant/fence/thief no, thanks. Besides, you can't be my friend and my underworld connection at the same time. Speaking of underworld...what did you dig up for me? Come on. I got to solve this murder. I'm rotting away in the Traffic division. Make me want to stick a gun in my mouth. And I like catching murderers. Don't make me have to beg. I tell you what. Here's, uh...about 100 bucks. VALENTINE I will help you with this only because I want you to succeed in your new job. BACKSTROM That's not why you're helping me. You wanted the 100 bucks. Which I want a receipt for, by the way. VALENTINE All right, I asked around junkie transvestite who turned out to be completely useless, and a closeted D.E.A. agent who was the exact opposite of useless in, oh, so many ways. BACKSTROM Okay, Valentine, I ordered a bowl of soup. I don't want to hear how it was made. VALENTINE Heroin used to be funneled onto the campus through the Cambodian cooking staff, but they were taken out by city cops last year, which opened the door for a downtown meth dealer named Visser to take over the franchise. BACKSTROM Visser, huh? What's his system? VALENTINE Well, heroin's dead-dropped on campus pre-cut. Visser's guy picks it up and distributes to the college kids. BACKSTROM And Visser's guy is a kid named Toby. VALENTINE I didn't get a name. Money exchanges hands off-campus. The buyer's given a code word, which he repeats to Visser's guy. BACKSTROM Toby. VALENTINE And the buyer gets his fix. Happy? But, hey, seriously, if you go after Visser, please take someone who knows how to shoot a gun. Visser's a psycho. BACKSTROM None of those watches were real, by the way. BACKSTROM Ohh. NEWS ANCHOR Newly installed Police Chief Anna Cervantes, generally regarded as a stop-gap appointment, faces her first high-profile homicide investigation with the murder of Tobias Percival, son of Senator... AUTOMATED VOICE Call, call. Call. NEWS ANCHOR The 19-year-old's body was found early yesterday morning on the campus of Beech College... BACKSTROM What? GRAVELY It's noon. BACKSTROM Hmm? About time you called. I need narcotics to cough up background on a drugger, last name Visser. Victor-Indian-Sam-Sam... GRAVELY Yeah. Okay. I got it. I questioned Toby's rugby team. Almond took teachers and classmates. Toby was generous. He was well-liked. BACKSTROM GRAVELY He didn't drink much. He didn't do drugs ever. What if it wasn't his heroin? BACKSTROM I'm a spoiled brat who defies Senator Dad. GRAVELY Why does your voice sound like gravel? BACKSTROM I was up all night working on the case. It's called a work ethic. BACKSTROM God. NIEDERMAYER Autopsy confirms cause of death as heroin overdose. Also, residue indicates that Toby had sexual intercourse with a woman approximately an hour before he died. BACKSTROM For future reference, no bodily-fluids forensics crap while I'm eating. NIEDERMAYER So, the deadliest special on the menu is named after you? BACKSTROM The Full Backstrom Breakfast is named after my dad, not me. NIEDERMAYER Ah. So, eating badly is the only way you can connect with your father. BACKSTROM What? NIEDERMAYER Old Sheriff Backstrom, he's a legend. So a profound conflict with a saintly father would explain your self-destructive personality. BACKSTROM Would a saint pistol-whip a 10-year-old kid? NIEDERMAYER Sheriff Backstrom did that? BACKSTROM Sheriff Backstrom hates me and always has. NIEDERMAYER Hate and love are totally the same energy, sir. It's how we choose to absorb that energy that counts. BACKSTROM Oh, my God. You really don't mind sticking your nose in, do you, Niedermayer? NIEDERMAYER Bahá'u'lláh tells us "Do not be content with showing friendship in words alone." BACKSTROM Well, tell Honolulu that we're not friends and that I hate you. NIEDERMAYER Thank you, sir. BACKSTROM Don't do that. Don't do that. MOTO Good news, Detective Backstrom. BACKSTROM What? Oh, my God. MOTO What's up, Niedermayer? Detective Almond got the name of Toby Percival's ex-girlfriend. BACKSTROM And she is called Cass. MOTO She is called Alyson. BACKSTROM Yeah. BACKSTROM Toby dumped you for someone named Cass. What was her last name? MOTO Hey, hey, listen. I'm sorry. We're just trying to get ahold of this. BACKSTROM Hey, she's faking. Distracting us from finding Toby's computer. ALYSON Hey, you need a warrant. MOTO No, we don't. This is stolen property. Password, please. ALYSON I have no idea. Toby must have changed it after we broke up. BACKSTROM Type in "Cass." Why did you steal Toby's computer? ALYSON Private personal material. MOTO Wowzers. I'll say. Individuals in a sexual situation with a boy that is not Toby Percival. BACKSTROM Moto. That is a girl. You can tell because she doesn't have a penis. MOTO With that much forest, I thought there had to be a tree. Wait, so Toby took these photos and was blackmailing you for lesbianism. ALYSON Toby Percival blackmail? Please, the shame Toby felt for his father stunted his psychosexual development at the adolescent "white knight" phase. MOTO What's that? BACKSTROM What's your major? ALYSON Psychology. MOTO Oh, psychology. Obviously. BACKSTROM Psychology. Yes. I'm you. ALYSON What do you mean, you're me? BACKSTROM Toby dumps me. To prove that I'm better off without him, I send him photos of me snorkeling a girl. What time did you steal Toby's computer? ALYSON I found out Toby was dead online, ran over, say, 7:30. BACKSTROM What did it look like? ALYSON His room? It was clean as ever. Like I said, white knight, boring Boy Scout. MOTO If I was Toby and a girl sent me photos like that, I'd figure it was an invite for a threesome. BACKSTROM Had a lot of threesomes, Moto? MOTO Regular amount. BACKSTROM Regular amount is none. MOTO I was a mixed martial arts fighter. We attract groupies. Hey, you think that's the reason they attached me to this unit? I'm the guy you can count on in a fight. BACKSTROM And for threesomes, apparently. What's this? NIEDERMAYER Bushtits, sir. Bushtits and bushtit feces. GRAVELY It's a bird. Forensics found poop and feathers on Toby’s heroin. NIEDERMAYER Behold every bushtit feeding station on the entire campus. Now, testing each station for the presence of heroin should enable us to unearth the dead drop where Toby picked up his illicit narcotics. BACKSTROM Everything you say sounds like a toast to the Queen. NIEDERMAYER Thank you, sir. GRAVELY Narcotics got back to us on Visser. First name Eugene. Owns a bar in Hawthorne. Dedicated recidivist. BACKSTROM Let's talk to Eugene and ask him how he got Toby Percival killed. GRAVELY Visser has no motivation to cooperate. BACKSTROM We'll say that if he helps us, we'll turn a blind eye to his drug dealing. GRAVELY Visser's streetwise. He's gonna know that's a lie. BACKSTROM Trust me. VISSER The protein in the albumin bonds with the alcohol, transforming this from a noxious libation into a healthful concoction. GRAVELY Mr. Visser, where were you yesterday morning? VISSER You're cops. And I don't tell cops anything I don't got to. BACKSTROM Mm! VISSER That'll be 8 bucks. BACKSTROM All right. Oh. Oh, no. You have GRAVELY Nothing. Got nothing. VISSER Pretty girl. I'd tap that. BACKSTROM All right. Show him Toby. Here's our dilemma. Do we work you over for the killing of the kid, or the drug-dealing Chinamen you replaced? GRAVELY Cambodians. Lieutenant Backstrom means drug-dealing Cambodians. BACKSTROM Cambodian-Americans. GRAVELY Okay. Mr. Visser retains this very well-known and very highly-paid drug lawyer. BACKSTROM Mm. Really? Oh, wow. Oh, he's right about the egg. That is magnificent. VISSER I'm gonna insist that you pay. Aah! VISSER Won't be needing this. My lawyer will be in touch with you. VISSER Trust you? Seriously? BACKSTROM Did you hear how loud that was? You got to teach me that. BACKSTROM Visser lied about the egg being healthy. Bastard. GRAVELY He filed a police-brutality complaint against me. Which is why I need you to tell the civilian oversight committee that I acted appropriately when Visser threatened you. BACKSTROM He just pointed at me. GRAVELY He poked you. That is assault. BACKSTROM Yeah, in a book, maybe, but in real life, I'm afraid the other officers will laugh at me. It's a generational thing. GRAVELY Lieutenant...all we have in this unit is each other. BACKSTROM Unit of losers. John Almond is a burnt-out Jesus freak who's totally lost his street smarts. GRAVELY Almond's a pastor on the weekends. It's true. BACKSTROM Wait. Almond is a pastor? GRAVELY On the weekends! He still has the highest conviction rate of any detective in the history of this bureau. BACKSTROM All the forensics geeks hate Niedermayer so much they pushed him onto the Sunshine division. GRAVELY Yeah, they hate him because they hate being corrected by a liaison, and he corrects them because he's better at their jobs than they are. BACKSTROM And we already talked about you, horny little minx. And what's, uh what's Moto? A short-bus cop? GRAVELY Highly motivated to prove himself. BACKSTROM Uh-huh. And that wacky civilian French chick. Never mind. I kind of dig her. I tell you what. Punch me in the chest. Leave a bruise. Proof that Visser attacked me and you responded using appropriate force. GRAVELY Falsify evidence. Who are you, Satan? NADIA "You should die for what you did?" GRAVELY What? Me or Lieutenant Backstrom? NADIA E-mail from three weeks ago I found on Golden Boy's computer. BACKSTROM Signed "Cassie." GRAVELY Signed "Archie." BACKSTROM NADIA Archibald Danforth. Rugby boy who dropped out of Beech College. GRAVELY Dropped out, he wanted Toby dead. This could be our overdose victim. NADIA He works at Wholly Ground. BACKSTROM Cemetery on Fremont. GRAVELY Fancy coffee shop on Lovejoy. BACKSTROM Damn it. Okay. I'll bring Almond. Rugby's a sport. Black guy's got the edge. GRAVELY BACKSTROM Ohh! GRAVELY Just taking up on your offer to commit perjury on my behalf. Photo evidence against Visser. ARCHIE Uh, yeah, I sent this e-mail to Toby. ALMOND Well, you got your wish. Toby's dead. BACKSTROM Cream and sugar. ARCHIE You don't want cream and sugar. ALMOND Did Toby Percival provide you with heroin? ARCHIE What? The drug heroin? No, sir. BACKSTROM I do so want cream and sugar. ARCHIE Cream and sugar obscure the sensory profile of the blend. ALMOND You're not supposed to have sugar, anyway. Or dairy or caffeine. ALMOND Did you drop out of school because of Toby Percival? ARCHIE Yes. Toby diminished me as a man. ALMOND Diminished you how, exactly? ARCHIE Rugby team hazing. ALMOND Rugby. That a team sport? ARCHIE Yes. ALMOND Thought it was something like handball. BACKSTROM English people call it "soccer." ARCHIE Rugby is not soccer. I lodged an official complaint, but the Percival family, they have, like, a way ton of influence, so, you know, that was that. ALMOND The Percivals got you expelled? ARCHIE I expelled myself. Post-traumatic stress. It's a real thing. ALMOND For soldiers in Afghanistan, son. Not soccer players in Oregon. BACKSTROM What did Toby do? Hot-dog butt stuff? Super-glue your boy bits together and play tug-of-war? ALMOND Put sugar in your coffee? BACKSTROM ARCHIE They held me down and Toby smeared black shoe polish on my testicles. BACKSTROM No. ALMOND This coffee kid didn't kill anybody. Did you ever see anybody besides you that didn't love Toby? ARCHIE Saw him get slapped pretty good once. BACKSTROM By someone named Cass. ARCHIE Yeah, stripper named Cassandra. Yeah, yeah. How did you know? ALMOND Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Toby Percival III and a stripper? ARCHIE A private off-campus team party, there was, like, a financial misunderstanding, and the stripper just, like, slapped Toby and threatened to get her brothers to break his legs. ALMOND Son, I've been a coach real football, not bocce-ball soccer and I'm telling you to get back into school. Get back on that team, and prove to those boys no, more important prove to yourself that you aren't in any way diminished as a man. And I got black balls, son. Not any kind of handicap. ALMOND Portland's got more strippers per capita than Bangkok. Half of them got to be named Cassandra. MOTO I personally know three strippers named Cassandra. We used to use them as ring girls for our mixed martial arts bouts. BACKSTROM Wait, wait, wait. What the hell is this? I ordered deep-fried chicken balls. NADIA Niedermayer says to babysit you. MOTO On account that you live in the moment. BACKSTROM Moto. MOTO Mm? BACKSTROM All that fighting, how many times you get kicked in the head? MOTO Couple times. Why? BACKSTROM This is the reason why you will always be the guy that brings us food. ALMOND MOTO Wait. Why? ALMOND The card matches the sticker on our victim's computer. MOTO Oh. ALMOND Dude. WOMAN Oh, oh. Oh. Oh, oh. BACKSTROM I'm a stripper. Why? GRAVELY Sexual and/or emotional abuse which undermines your self-worth and reinforces your conviction that the only thing you have to offer this world is your sexuality. BACKSTROM No, strippers strip 'cause they hate men and they get off on controlling them. WOMAN You know I know. CASSANDRA When Toby first asked me out, I said no like 100 times. College boys. All they want is bragging rights, bagging a stripper. GRAVELY Not Toby. He didn't brag about you to anyone. BACKSTROM Golden Boy was ashamed of you. GRAVELY I think Toby was in love with you. BACKSTROM He left you 1,000 bucks in cash. Any idea what for? Boob job? Abortion? CASSANDRA Junior college. BACKSTROM Ah. I'm a stripper. But what I really want to be is a beautician. CASSANDRA Social worker. BACKSTROM Hmm. CASSANDRA But I got debts, and I didn't want Toby's money. Unless he was stuffing it in your G-string. GRAVELY We found a pound of heroin in Toby's dorm room. BACKSTROM Along with your cash. You his girlfriend or his customer? Check between her toes for needle marks. CASSANDRA I don't use, and there's no way Toby was selling heroin. You got that 100% wrong. BACKSTROM He had a pound of smack. You think it was for a psychology experiment? CASSANDRA I don't know, okay? But it wasn't his. Somebody put it there. Toby was beautiful inside and out. BACKSTROM Wasn't so beautiful last time I saw him. CASSANDRA Do you think the Percivals will let me come to his funeral? I mean, if I got the right clothes? BACKSTROM I'm a senator burying my son, the dope dealer. Why wouldn't I want the black stripper he was banging showing up in front of the TV cameras? BACKSTROM Ohh! GRAVELY What you do is you see the worst in yourself and you apply it to everyone else. That is not some higher plane of existence. That's That's disgusting. That is the gutter. BACKSTROM Did you do that on purpose? GRAVELY What do you got for me, Nadia? NADIA Cassandra LaStrange's real name is Catherine Turner, sister to campus Security Officer Charles Turner. GRAVELY Charles Turner the campus cop? BACKSTROM I don't see the worst in everyone. I see the everyone in everyone. BACKSTROM Checkmate. NADIA This chess set is worth $20,000, and some of these other pieces are worth a fortune. BACKSTROM I let my decorator store a bunch of his froufrou crap here. NADIA Mm-hmm. I was hoping you were very naughty. BACKSTROM I can't have sex with you. NADIA Because your poor health gives you plumbing problems. BACKSTROM No. No. NADIA You know I'm a civilian employee, so there are no police rules about fraternization, right? BACKSTROM That's not why I asked you here. Read that. NADIA Dr. Deb prescribed you a friend? BACKSTROM And you can't have sex with friends. Everybody knows that. NADIA Oh. So, you require me as a medicinal friend. Well, I accept the challenge. BACKSTROM But you would have gone for the full Backstrom package? NADIA Well, the moment has passed, so we will never know. AUTOMATED VOICE Text, text. Text. Text. BACKSTROM Gravely and Almond arrested Turner, and I am drunk-ass drunk. NADIA Oh, with your permission, I will administer a Corsican folk remedy. BACKSTROM Okay. Please do. What do I need to know go Ohh! Gah! Aah! Damn it. Mm. I'm on a jury. I hear about the death of a senator's son, a white boy who's been bumping fuzzies with a black drug dealer's stripper sister. Who the hell am I gonna convict of the homicide? CHARLES I'm not a drug dealer. BACKSTROM Uh-huh. Recognize this gentleman? CHARLES Absolutely not. ALMOND Oh, come on. The "absolutely not" rule can't be true every time. BACKSTROM And the question you're asking yourself right now, the answer is lethal injection. CHARLES I didn't kill Toby. That's the truth. BACKSTROM I don't care about the truth. I care about a conviction. CHARLES That boy loved my sister. He gave her all his money so that she could buy her debts, so she could quit stripping. BACKSTROM Debts? What debts? Glitter? CHARLES She owed Visser for getting her dancing career started. BACKSTROM Visser. GRAVELY Visser owns the whole damn family. CHARLES Visser sees the golden goose. Bleeds Toby dry. Once his money's gone, Cass expects him to quit on her, but...somehow, Toby figures out what I do for Visser. He hijacks the stash from the bird's nest and he tells me to set up a meet with Visser. BACKSTROM I'm you. I'm wondering if Toby's gonna save my sister. I stay and watch to see how things play out. CHARLES No, Visser told me to go find the rest of the heroin. BACKSTROM I'm Toby. I bring a bag of heroin to prove to Visser that I'm serious. I'm Visser. I'm looking at a boy. I could easily break some bones, get my heroin back. I kill him instead. But why? Why? BACKSTROM Stupid kid brought a gun. All right. You're gonna tell me everything that you saw, or I'm charging you with the murder. CHARLES L-Like you said. I Toby pulls out this revolver. Visser laughs. He jams the junk in the boy's face. Toby kicks but once. I-I didn't stay for the hanging. BRIAN JONESTOWN MASSACRE Yeah. Instead you're dragging me down. MOTO Portland police! Get down! ALMOND Everybody down on the floor right now! BRIAN JONESTOWN MASSACRE I could be giving you love. Unh. But you're not around. Now that you're not around. Now that you're not around. Now that you're not around. BACKSTROM Stop! Don't move! Don't move! Hey! Hey! Hey! Put your hands in the air and lay down on the ground! VISSER Which one? I'm getting mixed signals. You want to take your finger off that trigger? Any guy who can shoot himself maybe requires gun safety. BACKSTROM Don't move! I mean it! VISSER You're bleeding like it's an Olympic sport! VISSER Ohh! MOTO Lieutenant! What are you doing?! BACKSTROM He was moving towards his weapon. MOTO But why did you toss the gun? BACKSTROM It was so far away from him, I thought that that people would think I shot an unarmed man. He was gonna kill me. MOTO Lieutenant. The bad guy tagged Gravely in the vest. He shot you. You were totally in bounds to take him out. BACKSTROM He shot me. He shot me, yeah. MOTO You're in shock, lieutenant. Come here. Come here, come here, come here. Hey. MOTO Look at me. You're gonna be fine. GRAVELY I'm you. I am a cynical, selfish, lazy man. Not only did I solve a big murder, but I'm a hero. And yet, I keep digging. Why? BACKSTROM The reason I was awake last night was because of Toby's gun, Gravely. Excuse my professional cop pride, but where did it go? NIEDERMAYER Whoo-hoo! For him I am not lost. And he is not lost for me. BACKSTROM I hate Niedermayer. BACKSTROM Uh-huh. Okay. C-Come on. NIEDERMAYER This gun is fully loaded. Trigger was pulled twice, but it misfired both times. The gun is sabotaged. Firing pin was filed back so that it barely dimples the cartridges. It’s called a soft strike. GRAVELY Visser laughed when Toby pulled the gun because he knew the gun was useless. BACKSTROM I'm a paranoid psychopath. The only way I know for sure that a gun won't fire is NIEDERMAYER If I sabotage it myself. BACKSTROM Oh. NIEDERMAYER Sorry. I just kind of fell into the moment. CASSANDRA No! No! CASSANDRA The district attorney is going for the death penalty even though my brother didn't kill anyone. BACKSTROM If someone is killed in the commission of a felony, anyone involved in that felony can be charged with homicide. CASSANDRA But...Charles cooperated. BACKSTROM Let's go somewhere where we can talk. CASSANDRA Can you help my brother? BACKSTROM I don't want to help your brother. CASSANDRA Why? BACKSTROM How many times you and Visser run this play? Rich college boy falls in love with a stripper. "Oh, poor me. Trapped in a life I never chose." Except the other boys quit after you bled them dry, but not Toby. I'm a soft boy pretending to be a hard man. I need a gun. Where do I go? My dad, the anti-gun Senator? No? The guys on my rugby team who are afraid of shoe polish? Unh-unh. To my girlfriend. The lowlife stripper. And where does she get it? BACKSTROM From her boyfriend, the lowlife drug dealer. CASSANDRA You're making this up. BACKSTROM We know you loaded the gun. We found your fingerprints on the bullets. CASSANDRA Okay. I gave Toby the gun. But only because I was afraid for his life. I didn't know it was broken. BACKSTROM How do you know...now? CASSANDRA You're a racist pig who hates women. BACKSTROM There she is. Good. CASSANDRA I lost the boy I love. Who do you think people will believe? ALMOND A raisin in popcorn. BACKSTROM I'm a stripper...who sends a boy that loves her to his death. Why does she hate him so much? 'Cause there was a moment in which he made me believe in him. True love. White knights. But someone as corrupt as me can never have faith in a person like that. I stood on the cusp of an extraordinary life. And I chose the wrong path. Like everybody always does. GRAVELY Catherine Turner, you're under arrest for the homicide of Tobias Percival. CASSANDRA I didn't know Visser would kill Toby. GRAVELY You brought a gun so that Tobias Percival could blackmail Eugene Visser. Blackmail is a felony. Statutory homicide. BACKSTROM Even when it's a white knight blackmailing a drug-dealing murderer. GRAVELY You have the right to remain silent. Everything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford... DR DEB CHAMAN Your bloodshot eyes tell me you have not quit drinking. BACKSTROM I will have you know that drinking saved my life. My partner dislocated the bad guy's trigger finger when he was attacking me after I drank his boilermaker, which made him drop his gun and save my life. And in my own defense, it had an egg in it. Come on, Deb. I drank African tea. I ate vegetables. DR DEB CHAMAN And you filled my prescription. "I, Dr. Nadia Paquet, "swear that Everett Backstrom and I play chess and drink herbal tea together. We are true friends." BACKSTROM Yeah. We're not sleeping together. She's some kind of genius. DR DEB CHAMAN The first statement proves the second. VALENTINE What is taking so long? I was starting to worry you died in here. DR DEB CHAMAN Who are you? VALENTINE Me? I-I'm Gregory Valentine. I work with antiques, collectibles, objets d'art. Valentine. BACKSTROM Hey, look around. Look at this office. Deb is not one of your rich doctor friends. And he's not gay. He's Hindu. VALENTINE When are you done? I have a schedule. BACKSTROM No, just go. I told you I wanted to walk anyway. VALENTINE Oh, right, right. Walking for the exercise. Yes. Dr. Deb. If you fail Backstrom in his job, he has no reason to get healthy and he's dead in a year. DR DEB CHAMAN This young man, I see a resemblance. Are you related? BACKSTROM So you gonna pass me or what? DR DEB CHAMAN We'll talk next week. BACKSTROM Wait, I got to see you every week? DR DEB CHAMAN Yes. I have given you only a provisional reprieve. BACKSTROM I'm a Hindu. I believe after we die, we come back to life. So, why am I a doctor? Why am I working so hard at keeping people alive? Because I realize that reincarnation is a load of crap. We've only got one life, and it's meaningless. I'm terrified of death. DR DEB CHAMAN And you aren't? BACKSTROM Absolutely not.