BILLY BRIAN EDDIE ERICA HELEN JIMMY KEVIN LEAH LESTER MAIL_CART_GUY MR_BLACK PATTON RICK ROSALYN SAMANTHA SMITH SONG_LYRICS STUART TED VALERIE YOUNG_LAWYER TED Previously, on �Suits �L.A.��. BILLY I thought we were friends? TED We are friends, Billy. Now get back inside before someone-- Who would�ve planted the bomb at Billy�s? KEVIN It�s gotta be Jimmy Patriale. TED Jimmy Patriale, you�re under arrest... KEVIN Get up! TED (cont�d) ...for the murder of Billy Esposito! LESTER This isn�t what it looks like. KEVIN It looks like after you stole his money, he wound up dead in your backyard from a gun that you own. LESTER I swear to you, I did not murder him. TED If there is anything else that you would like to tell us, now would be the time. SMITH Your client�s wife was sleeping with the man he murdered. ROSALYN Your father�s in hospice. He has three days to live. MR BLACK I�m here to offer you a job. TED I don�t sell my soul defending criminals, and I don�t want to skip to the front of the goddamn line! You let them kill Eddie. You�re gonna die alone. RICK (sighs) I was told you wanted to see me. SAMANTHA I did. RICK I gotta be honest, I thought I was the only one that got in this early. SAMANTHA It�s funny, when I lived in New York, I was a late sleeper. But when I got out here, I guess I sorta just stayed on East Coast time. RICK So, you�re from New York originally? SAMANTHA Manhattan. Born and raised. RICK Oh. I�m from Philadelphia. SAMANTHA Ah, so you have a chip on your shoulder. RICK What is that supposed to mean? SAMANTHA Every person from Philadelphia I ever met has a chip because �we�re just as cool as New York�. RICK We are just as cool as... (sighs) I just proved your point. SAMANTHA (clicks tongue) RICK What�s that? SAMANTHA My gift to you. RICK Oh. SAMANTHA The employee records for every entertainment lawyer here. You�re gonna decide which three we�re letting go. RICK How exactly is that a gift? SAMANTHA It�s the first order of business for the new Head of Entertainment. RICK (mouths) What?! SAMANTHA Meet me in room one-�O�-seven at two tomorrow. Have your choices ready. RICK "(speaks) Just as far as gifts go, Lakers tickets. Better than deciding who gets fired. I mean, I like firing. I could be the fire marshal up in here, if you want me to." ROSALYN Erica, sorry to bother you. No, I�m not. Ted needs you to handle another client for him. ERICA So I�ve gone from Ted giving me his clients to you doing it? ROSALYN If you ask me, that�s an upgrade. ERICA I see that. Hit me. ROSALYN Brian Baumgartner. You know him? ERICA Who doesn�t? ROSALYN Well, Brian�s annual �ask Ted for something crazy� meeting is on the books for today, and Ted can�t make it. Because... ERICA Murder case. ROSALYN Bingo. So, whatever it is that he wants... Super Bowl tickets, meeting King Charles, cloning his puppy... take the meeting, make him happy and call it a day. ERICA Rosalyn, how is the murder case going? ROSALYN (sighs) Not wonderful. Ted found out last night that Lester�s wife was sleeping with his partner. ERICA Damn. Did Lester know? ROSALYN Ted and Kevin are trying to find that out right now. ERICA And what do you know about this Kevin guy? ROSALYN I know Ted trusts Kevin with his life. And fifteen years ago, they were the fastest rising team the Justice Department had ever seen. TED Hey... Hey, Lester, you�re gonna have to calm down. LESTER "Damnit! Oh, you want me to calm down?! She was having sex with my business partner! And not only do I have to deal with that humiliation, but now everybody's gonna think I knew and that I killed him!" KEVIN "As an aside, it�s not a good look for a man accused of murder to show this much rage�" TED "Oh, you�re the one who said he must�ve known. If he didn�t, this is the right reaction. Hey, Lester... you can throw that tantrum for fifteen more minutes, after which, get it together because we need Valerie at trial." LESTER Screw her and screw your clock! I will calm down when I am good and ready! TED "Okay, well he�s gotta process. I�m gonna go pay a visit to Valerie and I want you to find out what this prosecutor knows and how she knows it." KEVIN You got it. Lester, I think she gets it. Process, my ass. ERICA Leah, what can I do for you? LEAH I think you mean what can I do for you, know what I�m sayin�? ERICA Leah. LEAH Okay, fine. (sighs) Since you know embarrassingly little about film and television, I�ve prepared a dossier on Baumgartner. ERICA �Embarrassingly little�? LEAH Let�s move on. Brian Baumgartner. He was in a show called �The Office�. He played a character named Kevin, and I took the liberty of circling his face. Here is everything you need to know about him. ERICA Okay... Wh-- Leah, how do you have all this? LEAH We made a deal. For me to teach you about �T.V.� and movies. And I might�ve peaked at Rosalyn�s calendar and saw that she marked �tell Erica about Baumgartner� today. ERICA Thank you, Leah. Hold on. Do you peak at my calendar too? LEAH Oh god no. But between you and me, you probably won�t make that dentist appointment tomorrow at two. Mid-day traffic. ERICA Damn, I didn�t think of mid-day traffic. VALERIE Ted, Lester�s not here. TED I know. He�s in his office right now, breaking things. VALERIE Oh god... He knows. TED About you and Simon? Yes, he does. And so does the woman who�s trying to put your husband away for a murder he didn�t commit. So, you and I are gonna discuss how we�re gonna play this. VALERIE I�m sorry, I can�t discuss this with you right now. TED Valerie, Lester�s life is on the line. So, whatever it is you have on your schedule can wait. VALERIE What I mean is, I�ve been advised by my attorney not to discuss this with anyone. TED Your attorney--? I�m your attorney. VALERIE Not anymore. I�m now being represented by Stuart Lane. ERICA Brian, I�m Erica. We spoke on the phone. ERICA Thank you for coming in. Ted sends his apologies. BRIAN Oh, please� I know what�s on his plate. Lester Thompson is lucky to have him. ERICA Oh, well....I don�t wanna talk about them. I want to know what we can do for you. BRIAN I wanna kill Kevin Malone. ERICA Uh, what? BRIAN Don�t get me wrong. I, I love him... ...I love the role, it has given me basically everything I have�.but it has come with a cost. ERICA It typecast you. BRIAN Exactly. I want the world to see....that I can perform dramatic roles at an Oscar- worthy level. ERICA Oscar-worthy... BRIAN Yes, Oscar-worthy. MAIL CART GUY Hey, it�s Kevin Malone! How�s it going?! BRIAN (AS KEVIN) Nice! Thanks for asking! MAIL CART GUY Yes! BRIAN Gotta give the people what they want. (sighs) ERICA Okay, Brian, about...what you want... it�s unheard of�for a comedic actor to successfully transition into-- BRIAN No, it�s not. It�s happened many...times. Robin Williams, Jamie Foxx, Tom Hanks� ERICA Okay, but....those are the exceptions that make people think it�s not a rule, but, it is. BRIAN Maybe. But I wanna talk to one of �em to find out how they did it anyway. ERICA And it just so happens Ted represents Tom Hanks. BRIAN All I�m asking for is one......meeting with Tom Hanks. ERICA Just the one? BRIAN Just one. ERICA Hm. TED So, first you steal half my firm... and now this! STUART (sighs) You think I asked for this? I don�t like it any more than you. TED I�m gonna tell you this....one time: stay out of my case. STUART Our kids have gone...to school together since first grade. Valerie begged Helen�to get me to help her. What was I supposed to do? TED I don�t know.....turn her down?! Since you�re not even a divorce attorney! STUART Well like you once did with me, she said she needed someone that she can.....trust. And I am fully capable of handling this. TED No, you mean......that you realize Lester needs her to stand beside him at his trial, which is your opportunity to take�.my client for everything that he�s got! STUART It�s just a negotiation. TED To you! I am trying to save an innocent man�s life. STUART Wait, you really believe he didn�t do it? TED Yeah, I do. So if Valerie wants to negotiate, fine, we�ll see you at the table. But don�t think that I don�t realize what this really is. Someone betraying their partner while pretending to be the victim! STUART Ted, hold on. There�s something else we need to talk about. TED No, Stuart, there is nothing else that we need to talk about. STUART Oh my god... They, they don�t make pastrami like this in California. TED No, they don�t, but these sandwiches did cost half my paycheck. STUART If you think that�s gonna get you in my pants, it might. TED Wait �til you see how much I paid for dessert. STUART Alright. What do you want? TED What? I can�t buy an old friend lunch without wanting something? STUART Ted... TED (sighs) I need someone to represent a murder that I�m trying to put into �WITSEC�. STUART I�m a corporate lawyer. I, I don�t know anything about criminal defense. TED You�re the best attorney I know. And Stuart, I need someone I can trust. STUART What�s the catch? TED "Until the deal is done, the mob might come after you. You�ll stay with me, alright? We will be protected twenty- four-seven." STUART Just tell me one thing. This guy you�re goin� after, how important is it that you put him away? TED If I were to show you pictures of some of the things he�s done to people, that pastrami that you just ate would be on the floor. STUART Well as long as I�m back in �L.A.� by Tuesday, I�ll do it. KEVIN You ready for me? TED Yeah, come on in. Kevin, this is Stuart. Stuart, this is Kevin. KEVIN No, no, don�t get up, don�t get up. Alright, Stuart. (sighs) Before you make your decision, I got detailed charts on how we�re gonna keep you safe over the next two days, okay? STUART Okay. KEVIN Alright, the blue represents you, the orange is Ted, and the green, they�re the �F.B.I.� agents. STUART And which one are you? KEVIN I�m black. STUART Makes sense. KEVIN Yeah. Alright, look, the plan is, what we�re-- TED Kevin, he, he already said yes. You don�t need to tell him the plan. KEVIN I spent six hours on these damn charts. Color-coded and... Color-coded and everything. STUART Do you... Do you wanna show me your charts? KEVIN Okay. (laughs) Thanks, man, I appreciate it. LEAH So lemme get this straight... (sighs) he doesn�t want Super Bowl tickets, he wants to meet Tom Hanks so he can win an Oscar? ERICA Pretty much, yeah. LEAH Well, that�s never gonna happen, so what do we have to work with? ERICA Well if I learned anything about actors, it�s that there�s some truth to what they say. And he says he wants to be a serious, dramatic actor, so... LEAH He wants to reinvent himself. ERICA ...That sounds right. Now we just need to figure out a way for Brian-- LEAH Alfonso Ribeiro. He was in the same situation and now he�s a huge �T.V.� host. ERICA Alfonso Ribeiro. LEAH He played this iconic character in the show �The Fresh--� ERICA Leah, I know who Carlton Banks is. LEAH You do? ERICA I�m a Black girl from �L.A.�, you think I didn�t know �The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air�? LEAH I�m my defense, you didn�t know what �Cheers� was, so. ERICA Well I know all of �em. Uncle Phil, Aunt Viv, Jazz, Geoffrey, and of course... LEAH I... I... What are you... Oh my god, are you having a seizure?! Roll on your side, don�t bite your tongue! ERICA No, I�m not having a seizure! I�m... I�m doing the Carlton dance! LEAH Oh, you mean... you mean this? ERICA That�s what I was doing! LEAH Yeah. If you say so. Yes, you totally... you were doing that. ERICA Anyway, I�ll show him there are other ways to reinvent himself. LEAH Great. (sighs) But I do think it�s important that you understand how to do the Carlton dance. You have to... ERICA Leah, you do that dance again and you�re fired. LEAH Ah, she loved it. (laughs) ROSALYN Ted, I have something for you. You�re not gonna like it. TED Then let it wait. ROSALYN It can�t. It�s from Stuart. ERICA Rosalyn, can I talk to you for a second? ROSALYN (sighs) What is it? ERICA I met with Brian Baumgartner, and long story short, he wants to be a dramatic actor. ROSALYN So...? ERICA So, I just spent an hour trying to convince him there are other ways to reinvent himself and he wouldn�t hear it. He is insisting on... a conversation with Tom Hanks. But I figured-- ROSALYN Erica, Ted is going through some rough stuff right now. He�s never gonna ask Tom to do this. Find another way. LEAH Rosalyn, can I talk to you for a minute? ROSALYN Sure. LEAH I know Erica wanted you to ask Ted to call Tom Hanks-- ROSALYN If you�re asking me to reconsider, Leah, that�s not gonna happen. LEAH That�s not it. There�s another client Ted has that might fit the bill, and I thought maybe if you called him...? ROSALYN I�m not calling anyone, Leah. LEAH I understand. (sighs) Sorry to bother you. ROSALYN Why is this so important to you? LEAH I know how hard Erica is working for Ted and how much this means to her, and... last week, I pooped the bed on the first real assignment Erica gave me. I wanna make up for it. ROSALYN �Pooped the bed�? LEAH My mom says swearing isn�t ladylike. (sighs) She�s such a farty-tarty, you know what I mean? ROSALYN Who�s the client? STUART Ted. TED (filtered) How many times are you gonna....cut my legs out before you get over being called a flea? STUART Don�t you say that to me. TED (filtered) Valerie is (normal voice) one thing, but if you think for one second that I�m gonna let you handle my father�s will-- STUART (filtered) You�re not letting me do anything. (normal voice) And for your information, I had no idea he named me executor until after he (filtered) died. TED Fine. I�ll make this easy for you. Whatever he left, sell it. Donate it. (filtered) I don�t care, because I don�t (normal voice) want it. STUART Fine. But I�m required to execute the entire will, and the will (normal voice) states... he�s to be buried next to Eddie. TED (filtered) Stuart, (normal voice) if you think for one second that I�m gonna let you-- STUART "That�s enough! You�ve been comin� at me all day. I didn�t do (filtered) this. I even tried to warn ya, but ya didn�t wanna hear it. Your father bought the plot. (normal voice) He�s being buried there in two days. It�s done." TED Okay, Jimmy, let�s wrap this up. I�m sick of lookin� at your face. JIMMY Whoa, how �bout a little bit of respect, huh? This face is about to make you famous for puttin� away John Pellegrini. KEVIN And we�re about to save your sorry life by makin� you disappear. JIMMY Fort Wayne, Indiana for the rest of my life? Uh-uh. I want Honolulu. TED Yeah, well, I want you to get the death penalty. So I guess we�re both gonna have to live with disappointment. STUART My client is risking his life to take the stand, and this offer is completely unacceptable. TED I don�t care what he�s risking, he�s a murderer. He doesn�t get Honolulu. STUART What we�re asking for is appropriate under the circumstances. TED The circumstances are: I can take this deal off the table, let him walk out the building, and he�s dead in ten minutes! STUART And the case you�ve been working on for years goes up in smoke! TED Then it goes up in smoke. He gets what he gets, and not a nickel more. TED (cont�d) What-- What the hell was that? STUART I�m representing my client to the best of my ability, if ya didn�t want me to do it-- TED Honolulu?! Why didn�t you ask to put him on the moon? STUART It�s our opening offer! Ya counter with Miami, you don�t storm out of the room! TED No, no, I gave you my counter. My counter is nothing! STUART Ted, all I�m looking for is the same deal the previous witness got. TED The previous witness had a name. Billy Esposito. Your client murdered him-- STUART Okay. What�s really goin� on here? TED (sighs) I was supposed to protect Billy. And I failed. So I�m not gonna let that... monster live it up in paradise after what he did. STUART Well you�re gonna have to. Jimmy has information. He doesn�t know the full extent of it, but I do. TED What�re you talking about? STUART Pellegrini paid a lawyer to offer you a job. Jimmy only knows that lawyer by his last name, which is different than yours. Because after your father left... TED I took my mother�s name. STUART If it comes out that your father took money from the mob, everyone�ll think you�re as dirty as he is. TED And my time at the Justice Department will be over. STUART Ted, if I can�t get Jimmy a decent deal, he�ll get another lawyer and it�s going to come out. TED (clicks tongue) So be it. This is what we�re giving him. Let the chips fall. STUART Then before he gets someone new, let me tell him it was me. He still doesn�t know my last name. TED Stuart, you could destroy your reputation. Why would you do that? STUART Because you�re the closest thing to a brother I�ve ever had. TED Before we get started, do you think that Lester knew about you and Simon? VALERIE What does that have to do with-- STUART They wanna know how you�re gonna look in court. Which means they wanna know if you think Lester did it. VALERIE If Lester paid enough attention to know I was having an affair, I never would�ve had one in the first place. So, no, I don�t think he knew. And I don�t believe he killed Simon. STUART Having said that, we�ve prepared a list of requested assets. LESTER The Ferrari... the beach-- You want the beach house? STUART My client wants what she�s entitled to. TED Your client signed a pre-nup that entitles her to nothing. STUART And Lester needs Valerie with him at trial, so let�s skip the foreplay. She wants half the assets earned during the marriage. LESTER She didn�t earn any assets, she only spent them. VALERIE Of course you�d say that. You never appreciated anything I did. LESTER You never �did� anything. VALERIE I had an acting career. LESTER Oh... VALERIE I gave it up for you. LESTER You were never any good. VALERIE I acted well enough to make you look good. LESTER Heh. VALERIE Every red carpet, every damn time you needed someone to work a room... LESTER Oh, you worked something alright. My best friend. VALERIE You wanna know what your best friend said when I told him how you treat me? He wanted to kill you. LESTER You are a lying, cheating, selfish-- STUART Careful what you say to my client! TED Your client betrayed her partner, and now she�s trying to extort him for everything he�s got! STUART We could be asking for a hell of a lot more. TED It never ends with you! STUART I�m representing my client to the best of my ability! TED You barely knew your client before yesterday, which is better than that other client! LESTER Ted! What are you doing? You were the one who told me to stay calm! TED You�re right. (sighs) Lester, is there anything on this list that you value more than your life? LESTER No. TED Then we have a deal. You know, for the record, y-- you made a promise to stand by this man. You were his partner. And not only did you abandon him, but you did it by running right into the arms of the person that would hurt him the most. RICK Are you movin� offices? You should, �cause this one is awesome. SAMANTHA Well I�m glad you think so. Because I�m not the one moving. You are. RICK You�re giving me this office? SAMANTHA Well, we can�t have the Head of Entertainment working out of that closet you�re in now. RICK (laughs) Well I don�t mean to be rude, but calling my office a closet... that�s kind of an insult to closets, ya know? Because it�s so small? Do I get to keep this vase? SAMANTHA You know, I wasn�t sure if I liked you, but now... nope. Still not sure. RICK (sighs) Well after today, I�m not sure these three are gonna like me either. SAMANTHA If that�s your list of who to let go, you can throw it away. RICK I don�t understand. SAMANTHA Head of Entertainment isn�t all rainbows and new offices. RICK And you needed to know I had it in me to make the hard choices. SAMANTHA Yes. But that�s for another day. For today-- Ted. TED Did you know? SAMANTHA Know what? TED That my father made Stuart the executor of his will? SAMANTHA No, I didn�t. RICK (sighs) SAMANTHA I�m sorry-- TED "Oh, I don�t-- I don�t need your sympathy. I just needed to know how many secrets the people that I thought I could trust were keeping from me." ERICA Leah, good, you�re here. Wait, you eat-- LEAH Yes, they�re Fruity Pebbles. What�re you, my dentist? ERICA Yabba-dabba-do. I got an idea last night. I figured out what Brian Baumgartner needs. But we can�t get Tom Hanks, so we need someone who has-- LEAH No, we don�t. I fixed it. ERICA Leah, please tell me you did not contact Tom Hanks. LEAH I thought of someone else. Rosalyn spoke to him and he�s willing to meet with Brian. ERICA You�re kidding. Who is it? LEAH Patton Oswalt. He�s a comedian turned actor-- ERICA That�s perfect. LEAH You know who Patton Oswalt is? ERICA Leah, I know the talent in this town, I�m just not a fan of every movie and �T.V.� show ever been made-- Wait, did you think I didn�t know who Tom Hanks was? LEAH I dunno, anything�s possible... Life is like a box of chocolates... ERICA Why are you talking like that? LEAH Don�t tell me you�ve never seen �Forrest Gump�... ERICA ...I haven�t. LEAH So then what Tom Hanks movies have you seen? ERICA I... like the one with the... helicopter... and the... special agent. And the goldfish. LEAH So you�ve never seen a Tom Hanks movie...? ERICA Good luck trying to prove it. Now before setting that meeting with Patton, here�s what I need you to do. TED What now? It�s been a long day. KEVIN It�s about to get longer. This photo sure looks like Lester knew his wife was sleeping with Simon. TED What? Where�d you get this? KEVIN A photographer from the �L.A.� Times is an old friend. Found it in their archives three hours ago. They�re not gonna bury it. TED Which means it�s gonna hit the front page of the papers. KEVIN Tomorrow at the latest. TED Well, gives us a few hours. ROSALYN (filtered) Ted. TED Rosalyn, I want you to call Lester and...tell him to come back to our offices and meet us on the twenty-fifth floor. ROSALYN (normal voice) What is it? TED Keep this to yourself, but there�s a photo that (normal voice) makes it look like Lester knew about Valerie and Simon. ROSALYN (filtered) Ted, Stuart didn�t send over a copy (normal voice) of the agreement yet. If he realizes (filtered)what�s going on-- TED He�s gonna rip it up and renegotiate. ROSALYN Do you want me (normal voice) to nudge him? TED (filtered) No, that�ll tip him off. (normal voice) We just need to hope that he sends over the agreement before this hits the papers, but Rosalyn, (filtered) good call. ROSALYN I know. BRIAN Okay. I�m here, but if you can�t get me Tom Hanks, I, I don�t know why. ERICA Because Brian, there is another actor who successfully made the transition from comedy to drama. BRIAN Patton Oswalt? ERICA Mm-hmm. He starred in the movie �Ratatouille�. Okay, look, I know he�s not who you originally asked for, but he came here for you. So why not give it a chance? BRIAN Okay. ERICA Okay, c�mon. Patton Oswalt, I�d love for you to meet Brian Baumgartner. BRIAN Hi, thank you for meeting with me. PATTON Hey, it�s a pleasure. My daughter and I are huge fans. BRIAN Oh, thank you. LEAH I�m sorry, Erica, but they need you downstairs for five minutes. ERICA Okay. I�ll be right back. LEAH Mister Baumgartner. (sighs) My lordship. (sighs) SAMANTHA What are you working on? STUART (sighs) The divorce settlement between Lester Thompson and his wife. SAMANTHA Heard about that. (sighs) Also heard about you handling Ted�s father�s estate. STUART Two clients I wish I didn�t have. SAMANTHA I never told you this, Stuart, but... if I hadn�t left Ted, I�m pretty sure he would�ve asked you to be his best man. STUART What about Kevin? SAMANTHA You two go back further. The man is nothing if not loyal. RICK Sorry to interrupt. When did Ted�s father die? STUART Two weeks ago. Evidentially, he�d been sick for some time. RICK (sighs) Okay, I hate to ask this, but did either of you know what was happening when you decided to cut him out of the merger? SAMANTHA/STUART No. RICK If you had known-- YOUNG LAWYER Excuse me, Mister Lane? I just sent you an email. I think you should look at it right away. PATTON That is when I learned on live �T.V.�... BRIAN (laughs) PATTON (cont�d) ...that �huckleberry�, not a funny word. BRIAN "(laughs) Oh... Oh, man, it is such a pleasure talking with you. I mean, I don�t know exactly how it�s going to help me become an Oscar-level dramatic actor, but this is so much fun." PATTON So wait, you wanna become an Oscar-level dramatic actor? BRIAN Oh, not �want to�, I�m going to. PATTON Brian, when I said I was a fan... BRIAN Yeah. PATTON (cont�d) ...I, um, sort of meant it. BRIAN What? PATTON I don�t think you have it in you to get where you wanna go... BRIAN Well who are you to say that to me? PATTON Look, I know this isn�t easy to hear, but, I mean, look in the mirror, buddy. (laughs) BRIAN Me? Yeah, w-what exactly have you done that hasn�t sucked? PATTON Uh, do you want me to pull up my �I.M.D.B.� page? BRIAN I don�t know, is your phone small enough? PATTON What does yours say? �Smallest role in the dumbest show ever�? BRIAN Kevin Malone was a key ingredient and �The Office� was a work of genius! PATTON Even Toby was funnier than you! BRIAN You voiced a cartoon rat! PATTON His name was Remy and that movie won an Oscar! BRIAN I�m gonna win an Oscar too. But I�m actually gonna be on camera! PATTON The only Oscar you�ll ever get close to�s last name is �Meyer� and it comes in a Wiener-mobile! BRIAN You piece of-- ERICA What the hell is going on here?! BRIAN I�ll tell you what�s going on! The next time I ask you to do something, either do exactly what I asked you, or you�re fired! Your �lordship�. PATTON That�s what she said! That�s from his show. ERICA I never watched it. LESTER Okay. (sighs) I�m here. What�re we doing on this floor? TED This is the criminal floor. LESTER I thought this was about my divorce...? TED This... is about this. LESTER Uh... (laughs) I... I swear, t-there�s an explanation. This-- KEVIN There always is with you. LESTER Ted, I have no memory of this photo being taken. It must�ve been doctored. TED Doctored?! You want me to go to a jury with: �It was doctored�? LESTER (sighs) TED (sighs) It�s Stuart. Which means the article has dropped. (sniffs) Stuart. STUART (filtered) I can tell from your voice you. ...know what this is about. TED (filtered) That photo (normal voice) proves nothing. STUART (filtered) Oh, it�s more than a picture, Ted. (normal voice) The headline reads: �He Knew�.Hollywood producer charged with murder was aware of wife�s affair (cont�d) It�s time to renegotiate. (filtered) Have your client here in an hour. KEVIN I�m no lawyer, but you better think of something your wife wants more than money. LESTER There�s nothing more that she wants. All she wants is money! TED If that�s what you think, then you were not listening this afternoon. BRIAN What�re you doing here, Erica? ERICA You were obviously upset earlier. I just wanted to come and make sure everything was okay. BRIAN (clicks tongue) Well I don�t know if you�re gonna think it�s okay or not, but frankly, I don�t care. I�m taking a lead dramatic role in an off-Broadway play. ERICA Is this because of Patton Oswalt? BRIAN Yeah, that pompous little son of a bitch, he told me that I don�t have the talent. Well, I�m gonna show him and I�m gonna show you. Because if all you see is Kevin Malone, then you don�t know a goddamn thing. ERICA Good. BRIAN �Good�? What, �good� how? ERICA Brian, you wanted to talk to Tom Hanks so you could hear how he did it. But what you needed was for someone to insist you couldn�t do it so you could fight for it. BRIAN Wait, so you told Patton to start that whole thing with me? ERICA I did. And he agreed. Because he believes in you and so do I. BRIAN Wow. Thank you, Erica. ERICA Oh. BRIAN Thank you so much. ERICA Okay... BRIAN (sighs) ERICA You wanna know if I can still book you comedic roles if this doesn�t work out, don�t you? BRIAN I do. ERICA We�ll bake that cookie when it�s time. BRIAN How did you know this was all gonna work? ERICA Because people�ve been telling me I don�t have what it takes my whole life. BRIAN I bet they don�t say that anymore. ERICA You bet your sweet ass they don�t. BRIAN Ooh-hoo! ERICA (laughs) BRIAN No, they don�t! ERICA (laughs) BRIAN C�mon, let�s play. You�re gonna-- You�re gonna shoot some hoops with me. ERICA O-- Okay, just one... BRIAN That is my request. ERICA Just one hoop. TED Okay, let�s get to it. What�s it gonna take to get this signed? VALERIE I�m not here to renegotiate. I�m here to say that I won�t be standing by that monster at trial. TED What? STUART I swear, this is news to me. TED �I didn�t know.� The Stuart Lane story. VALERIE I didn�t tell him that I�m not gonna pretend that Lester didn�t kill Simon. LESTER How can you think that? VALERIE How can anyone that saw this think anything else? You killed him. You knew and you killed him. LESTER Hold on. I knew there was a reason why I had no memory of this. Look at my left hand. STUART Who cares about your left hand? What does that have to do with anything? VALERIE Lester�s blind as a bat. Uh, without his contacts he can�t see a thing. LESTER My eyes were bothering me that night. I wore my glasses. TED He�s holding his glasses in his left hand. He couldn�t�ve seen Valerie and Simon. VALERIE No. No, he couldn�t have. But this whole thing, I just-- I�m sorry, Lester. I can�t watch your trial. LESTER Give it to her anyway. TED Lester... LESTER We�ve already lost. Look what she thought I was capable of. (sighs) Val, I�m sorry. I took you for granted. And if you don�t love me anymore, I can accept that. But unlike me, Ted heard you this afternoon, and now I do too. I�ve always believed in your talent, but like you said, I�m a jealous man and I didn�t wanna share you with the world. You deserve better. So I got you a role. A great role, just like you always wanted. Stand by me or don�t, but please know: I didn�t do this. VALERIE Okay. I�ll stand by you. KEVIN Think I�m starting to like your boy. LESTER Thank you, Ted. You may�ve just saved my marriage and my freedom at the same time. TED It�s what I do, Lester. It�s what I do. HELEN Oh... Hm. STUART I don�t tell you often enough, I love you. HELEN You tell me every day. STUART (sighs) It�s still not often enough. HELEN What�s this all about? STUART (sighs) It�s Valerie and Lester Thompson... HELEN (sighs) Stuart... STUART (sighs) HELEN (cont�d) ...we�re not them. STUART I know. It�s just... there�s a reason I don�t do divorce cases. It�s... a, a lot. HELEN That�s not the only case that�s a lot for you right now. STUART Helen... HELEN Stuart, look, I know it�s not your favorite when I put my therapist hat on, but do you think it�s possible that you�re misplacing some sadness over what happened with Ted? STUART (clicks tongue) I take it back. I tell you I love you plenty. HELEN Mm. Look, I know Ted demeaning criminal defense took a toll on you over the years. And on the business side, I fully support you cutting ties with him. But there�s a personal side too. And with what he�s going through, and you handling his father�s-- STUART No, I know what you�re gonna say. That we�re his only family. But he�s gonna be fine. HELEN "I, I wasn�t going to say that. I was gonna ask what it�s (cont�d) (normal voice) ...me this time of night? doing to you. But that your mind went to him... (sighs) maybe that means you�re worried he won�t be fine." RICK (filtered) Ted. (normal voice) I just found out his father died. ERICA When? RICK (filtered) When everything else (normal voice) was happening. ERICA (filtered) Rosalyn mentioned something was going on with him, but (normal voice) his own father? He didn�t even take a day. RICK (filtered) I know. (normal voice) (sighs) Hey, if you want, I could come over... ERICA (filtered) First of all, (normal voice) no. RICK (sighs) ERICA (filtered) Second, you�re feeling guilty (normal voice) about leaving him, aren�t you? RICK (filtered) That�s... (normal voice) actually very insightful. ERICA Mm-hmm. RICK (filtered) When did you start knowing people better than (normal voice) they know themselves? ERICA (filtered) You like that? Check this out: I used your whole (normal voice) �knowing what the client really needs� thing today... RICK How did it feel? ERICA Pretty damn good. RICK (filtered) Look at you. (normal voice) Growing and learning from me. ERICA I learned a little from you. But I have to give some credit to Ted. RICK (filtered) Lemme guess: he gave you (normal voice) the �learn from your mistakes� line. ERICA He gave that to you too? RICK; (filtered) Yep. ERICA He called you Kobe too, didn�t he? RICK (normal voice) What? ERICA Never mind. (filtered) Good night, Ricky. RICK Don�t call me that. You know I hate it when you call me that. ERICA (normal voice) No, you don�t. RICK (filtered) Good night, Erica. ERICA Good night, Ricky. RICK (normal voice) I said I don�t like it when-- ERICA (filtered) Oh, gotta go, getting another call, bye! RICK (sighs) ERICA (normal voice) Well if it isn�t Leah Powers. LEAH (filtered) Why are you using� (cont�d) (normal voice) ...my last name? This doesn�t bode well. ERICA (filtered) I am using your last name (normal voice) because I�m in a silly mood. LEAH Okay, thank god. (sighs) I�ll... see you tomorrow. (laughs) ERICA Wait, we didn�t get to why I called you in the first place. LEAH (filtered) Am I in trouble? ERICA (filtered) You�re in the opposite of trouble. LEAH (normal voice) We�re goin� to Cancun? ERICA (normal voice) Girl, you-- You think the opposite of trouble is going to Cancun? LEAH I, I, I get nervous when I�m not in trouble. ERICA (filtered) Leah, (normal voice) I called you to tell you how impressed I�ve been. (filtered) You jumped in there with Brian�s file, you came up with (normal voice) Patton Oswalt and walked him through why he needed to crush Brian�s dream. You killed it today. (filtered) I didn�t wanna let the day end without telling you: (normal voice) I�m really glad we decided to take a chance on each other. LEAH So no Cancun. ERICA No. No Cancun. LEAH Thanks, Erica. ERICA (filtered) Have a good night, Leah. LEAH (laughs) What?! ROSALYN (sighs) Ted Black�s office. STUART (filtered) Rosalyn, it�s Stuart. Please don�t hang up. ROSALYN " (filtered) My days of doing (normal voice) you favors are over." STUART (filtered) It�s for Ted. ROSALYN Like you dropping that bomb on my desk was �for Ted�? STUART (normal voice) I tried to tell him, but he wouldn�t listen. What was I supposed to do? ROSALYN (filtered) How �bout not betray him? (normal voice) Or... cut him out of the merger? Or be a terrible friend? STUART (filtered) Okay. (normal voice) If you don�t wanna tell him what I have to say, you don�t have to. But Rosalyn, if you hang up on me, you�re going to regret it. ROSALYN What is it? JIMMY What�s this all about? I don�t know that guy. TED "(sighs) That is my father. The lawyer that your boss paid to offer me a job. Now, at a certain point, you may be tempted to use that information, so, let me explain how that�s gonna go for you. I will cut you loose. I will make my case another way. And as sure as you�re standing here, you�ll be dead in a day. So, take the offer on the table or leave it. You got five minutes." MR BLACK What�s goin� on? What the hell am I doin� here? TED Figured you should get used to this. I know why you offered me that job. Pellegrini wanted me out of the Justice Department so that I would stop coming after him. MR BLACK I didn�t break a single law. TED You took money to obstruct a federal investigation! MR BLACK I offered my son a job that I wanted him to have and no one can prove anything different. TED Did you think for one second what would happen to me if any of this ever came out? Of course you didn�t. So if you wanna call me your son, start acting like a father! MR BLACK How dare you talk to me that way! You respect your family! TED You wanna talk about family? My friend just offered to risk his career to get me out of a jam that you put me in. MR BLACK �Friend�? What friend? TED Stuart Lane. And he is more family to me than you will ever be.(cont�d) You�re off the hook. (clicks tongue) Jimmy... is gonna take the deal as is. STUART (sighs) TED (clears throat) STUART How�d you know he�d cave? TED He�s exactly like my father. All he cares about is himself. STUART Well, I have to thank you. TED For what? STUART For making me realize... I wanna be a criminal defense attorney. TED No, Stuart-- STUART I know how you feel about it, but this is the most I�ve enjoyed being a lawyer since we went at it at the mock trial. I-- Criminal law is what I was meant to do. TED So be a prosecutor! STUART Oh, come on... TED I�ll make a call! STUART C�mon, we both know I like money way too much. And I�m gonna need it. Because Helen and I are gonna start a family. TED You�re getting married? STUART If you�ll be my best man. TED So if I say no, you�re not getting married? STUART Oh damn, I didn�t think this through. TED I�d be honored. STUART (laughs) TED I would be honored! STUART C�mon! TED Hey! STUART Yes! TED Congratulations. STUART Thank you, brother. Thank you. Speaking of relationships, where�s Samantha? TED Uh... Hey! Speak of the devil. STUART Hey... EDDIE Stuart. STUART Dude... EDDIE I missed you. STUART And I�ve missed you. Get in here. Hey. SAMANTHA (clicks tongue) Aw. He really likes you. TED Okay... SAMANTHA (laughs) TED Alright... SAMANTHA (laughs) EDDIE Group hug. SAMANTHA Get in here, Eddie. TED (clicks tongue) Rosalyn. (sighs) It�s late, is everything alright? ROSALYN (filtered) I�m fine. But I have some news.(cont�d) (normal voice) Your father�s being buried tomorrow morning... next to your brother. I think you (filtered) should go. TED Stuart put you up to this, didn�t he? ROSALYN (normal voice) He did. But that�s not why I�m doing it. TED (filtered) Well, if he calls again, you tell Stuart I let the man die alone, (normal voice) he can be buried alone. EDDIE Who is gonna be buried alone? Who died, Teddy? Was it someone you know? TED It was Dad, Eddie. Dad died. EDDIE I don�t understand. Why would he be buried alone? TED Eddie, it�s... EDDIE I don�t care what he did. He�s our dad. Teddy, without him, I wouldn�t have you. I, I love him and I wanna say goodbye. TED (sighs) (clicks tongue) SONG LYRICS I can feel the love...(cont�d) And from my father�s hands, A battle rages on my skin, And heart of gold, Keep moving on,Just keep pressing on, And, oh�Keep moving on,Just keep pressing on, And, oh, my soul, Please stay strong...