ADAM ADAMS_FRIEND ALICJA ALICJAS_BOSS AUCTIONEER AUCTIONNER BOGUS CASHIER CHAUFFEUR CLOWN COACH CUSTOMER ERYK ERYKS_DRIVER EWA_WACHOWICZ EWA_WACHOWIECZ KIDS KIKI KUBA LEARNER LENA MACIEJ MALINAS_FATHER MARTA PEOPLE PHOTOGRAPHER POLA POLA_AND_POLAS_FRIEND PRIEST SEBASTIAN SIGN SONIA SONIIA STYLIST TAXI_PASSANGER TAXI_PASSENGER TOMASZ WAITER WAITRESS WOMAN YOUNG_MILLIONER TOMASZ Come on! WOMAN You’re not supposed to! TOMASZ Peek-a-boo! ALICJA Tomek! TOMASZ Old wives’ tales. TOMASZ Dark ages. ALICJA Thank you Honey WOMAN Your flowers! ALICJA Thank you. WOMAN Are you there? WOMAN Yes, darling. We are. ALICJA Kuba! ALICJA Kuba, wake up! ALICJA Kuba, You’ll be late for the camp! KUBA Why yell at me? ALICJA Your Dad’s on his way, get ready. ALICJA Stop it! You’ll get one for the road. You slept in these clothes?! KUBA To save time in the morning. ALICJA Brushed your teeth? KUBA Sure! ALICJA Oh yeah? Show me. ALICJA Ugh, you almost killed me!Five minutes to get it done! TOMASZ Hi! ALICJA Where on earth are you? He’ll be late! TOMASZ I can’t answer right now. Leave your message, I’ll call back. ALICJA Forgot about his own kid. KUBA Ready! ALICJA Dad’s grounded, I’m afraid. KUBA Mom... ALICJA We’ll make it. ALICJA Back seat, no whining! KUBA This lemon won’t start. ALICJA It sure will. If treated with respect. ALICJA Kuba! Buckle up! ALICJA Come on, baby! I promise to give you the best clean and shine. ALICJA Anything you want! ALICJA Just don’t fail me now. All right, baby? ALICJA Watch out, Kuba. ALICJA You old bitch! Why now? KUBA I told you so. ALICJA We’ll make it. Never ever give up. ALICJA Run, sweetie! KUBA Hurry up, Mom! ALICJA Stop! Stop! ALICJA Wow, I’m so happy! We almost missed you. I do need to work out… COACH You see, there’s a problem… ALICJA What’s that? COACH We thought you backed off. ALICJA Why? ALICJA He’s talking of nothing else! COACH Lack of payment. COACH I’m sorry. COACH Next year perhaps. ALICJA Yeah, sure. COACH Goodbye. Let’s go! KIDS Bye, Kuba! ALICJA Come and look me in the eye! ALICJA Can’t even curse into the answer machine. ALICJA Marta’s here! Come on, quickly! ALICJA He didn’t pay. Forgot about his own kid! MARTA How goes it? KUBA Great. Dad has ruined my vacation. MARTA We’ll find a way to cheer you up. ALICJA Thanks, Marta. I’d take him to work, but my boss doesn’t like children. MARTA This is what friends are for. TAXI PASSENGER Take Van Gogh – all the praise came after his death. TAXI PASSENGER No, I’m not telling you to hang yourself! TAXI PASSENGER Hello! TAXI PASSENGER Might cut off an ear at worst. TAXI PASSENGER I’m with you. What gives? Wait… TAXI PASSENGER I’d bid. TAXI PASSENGER Will be worth a fortune in 100 years. It’s a primitive version of a sort of… primitivism. KUBA Just like what I painted in preschool. ALICJA I have bad luck with men and cars. Both end up being wrecked. MARTA I’m not superstitious, but spit it out. Over your left shoulder. TAXI PASSENGER No, these aren’t a good investment. TAXI PASSENGER Nor will they decorate walls. ALICJA Ever since I took my marriage vows, the world has disavowed me. ALICJA Marta! ALICJA What’s wrong? MARTA Exactly, what? ALICJA How predictable! I do bring bad luck. Like a black cat or a broken mirror. MARTA Hold your horses, babe. We’re only out of gas. MARTA Just a moment! ALICJA Who unplugs that devil? ALICJA Stop honking! ALICJA What the hell? ADAM I’m in a hurry. ALICJA Who isn’t these days? But in the face of a stumbling block some show dignity and calm. ADAM Congrats for the calm. And get that lemon out of my way, okay? ALICJA Very well… ALICJA Mind a photo? Say cheese! Great! ALICJA You’ve just hit the album “Asshole of the Year”. Thanks. ADAM Awesome. Now get busy, girlie! ALICJA Shut up! ALICJA Passive aggressive! MARTA To the count of three! MARTA Hurrah! ALICJA Damn passive aggressive. MARTA All right! Alicja! Wait. MARTA Rush to work. I’ll take care of Kuba. MARTA Hi, boss! ALICJAS BOSS Thank you, Lord! ALICJAS BOSS How generous of you to show up! ALICJA I couldn’t leave my son on his own. ALICJAS BOSS Your kids, your problem. Do I tell you about my children? ALICJA ‘Cause you have no children? ALICJAS BOSS ‘Cause I’m not extravagant with my genetic material. ALICJAS BOSS And don’t expect to get paid for today. ALICJAS BOSS Not a penny for your late-coming and all those messed up muffins. ALICJA So how am I to pay my bills, huh? ALICJAS BOSS I myself barely keep afloat! ALICJA Right. Your coffee maker is a piece of junk. ALICJAS BOSS Forget me and my coffee maker. You’re fired! ALICJA What? ALICJAS BOSS Pure and simple, you’re fired. ALICJA I see… But I need this job. ALICJAS BOSS You have another one. ALICJA I need them both. ALICJAS BOSS Great program. MACIEJ Rumor has it that you’ve had MACIEJ one, two, three, four, five, six, seven… MACIEJ …eight! Eight, nine, ten! Ten plastic surgeries! POLA My oh my, my oh my! MACIEJ When you look in the mirror, Pola, do you ask yourself what’s still to be fixed? POLA You’re a big star, but your source is no good. POLA I’ve had a hundred and ten surgeries, including molars and ear lobes, POLA -…so as not to look like you MACIEJ She’s good! POLA Your turn: what have you had fixed? MACIEJ What do your girlfriends say? POLA You sure you want to know? POLA “Big ego, but between the legs a piece of Lego.” Want to hear some more? MACIEJ Nice! Okay, just tell me, MACIEJ that recent surgery… POLA What about it? Which one? MACIEJ Was it the idea of your fiancé? MACIEJ Or gigolo? MACIEJ That I like! MACIEJ You’ve no more to say? POLA Naught! POLA You bumpkin! POLA You’re a waste of my precious time! MACIEJ Such hot stuff only in this show! TOMASZ Is this spot okay? LENA A bit to the left. TOMASZ I see. LENA No! To the other left! TOMASZ Perfect! Here, you mean? LENA Mmm. LENA Watch out. To your right. LENA Hi, Alicja! ALICJA You’ve ruined your son’s vacation. TOMASZ It was an unintentional mishap. ALICJA My foot! You failed us again! LENA Anybody for some lemonade? LENA I’ll get us something to drink. TOMASZ Kuba! KUBA Thanks for the camp! LENA One more? KUBA I’ve had some already. Mom won’t let me. LENA She’s not here. ALICJA You paid or you didn’t? TOMASZ I sure did. Every penny of it. ALICJA For your son’s camp. Did you? TOMASZ I’m sure ALICJA that… TOMASZ I was going to do it. ALICJA Tomasz... LENA But we have great news. TOMASZ We’re expecting a baby! KUBA Really? ALICJA Oops! TOMASZ Easy, honey! TOMASZ I can’t thank you enough. ALICJA Kuba should be at the camp now, so I took extra hours in the hotel. ALICJA He’s not there because of you, so you take care of him, sorry. TOMASZ But, you know… ALICJA So, will you find time for your firstborn, or you’ll replace him with a new one? TOMASZ All right. ALICJA Thanks. TOMASZ You’re welcome. SIGN How To Marry a Millionaire SONIA Dear ladies, I can’t promise it’s going to be easy. SONIA I promise it’s worth it. SONIA You only need to let me prove that you’re like papillary ridges: SONIA unique. SONIA Each and every one. You, you, you. WOMEN’S Lovely! Wonderful! WOMEN’S Those gifts, flowers…. WOMAN’S He thinks he’ll impress me. SONIA What is an aim? ALICJA I’m sorry. SONIA It’s a dream with the date of implementation. SONIA To all skeptics I recommend my new book. SONIA It will show every woman how to marry a millionaire. SONIA The book and my top-notch workshops will help transform SONIA every Cinderella into a princess. MACIEJ Are you positive that this one MACIEJ can become a princess who’ll meet her Prince Charming? SONIA Why not? MACIEJ Go ahead. SONIA Feel invited to join my top-notch workshop. SONIA With only seven participants. ALICJA I’ve no time for such hokum. SONIA -Don’t hesitate. MACIEJ Take it. ALICJA Excuse me. SONIA She’ll come back. MACIEJ I doubt it. SONIA Like all of them. Because they know that they have a choice: SONIA to cherish their dreams or to get up and chase them. ALICJA Snuggle-bug, snuggle down, okay? KUBA I’m too big for that, Mom. ALICJA Holy moly! You’re growing too fast, aren’t you? KUBA Itsy bitsy spider climbing up! ALICJA Let’s do the smoochy smoochity! KUBA,ALICJA -Mom! Yes KUBA Everybody has somebody. Dad has Lena, KUBA,ALICJA -but you have only me. We have and love each other. KUBA True. But find yourself someone. ALICJA Good night. ALICJA Sleep tight! ALICJA My man! SONIA I repeat. SONIA If you want something you didn’t have, SONIA have the guts to do something you’ve never done yet. MARTA Champagne! ALICJA Hush! Kuba’s asleep. MARTA Here you go! MARTA 300 per bottle. ALICJA You crazy? That’s ridiculous! MARTA Cool it! MARTA It’s from my client, the art dealer. A present. ALICJA Some special occasion? MARTA One year of driving him around. ALICJA Congrats! ALICJA Asleep? MARTA Are you ready? MARTA Come on! ALICJA Enough! MARTA Wait! MARTA Let’s do it with a touch of class. ALICJA They’ve cut off our power. MARTA Again? MARTA I could lend you some money. ALICJA No, thanks. We’ll get by. We always have. MARTA That foxy lady! She’s good! SONIA Don’t bide your time. Act now. Life’s too beautiful to waste it. ALICJA And this megastar has invited me to her workshop. MARTA You met her? ALICJA Yeah. At the hotel. MARTA And? ALICJA I said no. MARTA Alicja! She could illuminate your darkness. ALICJA I’ll have to find another job. To make ends meet. What’s so funny? MARTA Alicja… Wait! Where was it… ALICJA Shhh… Kuba’s asleep! ALICJA Oh no! I can’t believe it! MARTA Just look, you were a Miss Beach! ALICJA Yeah, 12 pounds ago… There’s no going back. CASHIER It’s 235. CASHIER Declined. ALICJA How come? Let me try again. CASHIER Same thing. ALICJA I’ll have to give up my purchase, sorry. CASHIER Krysia needed at checkout! Insufficient funds. ALICJA Remember the date? It’s the tenth! The due date for child support. And my big shopping day. Remember? TOMASZ Sure thing. I was just about to pay. ALICJA Your goodwill won’t do. TOMASZ It’s a small delay, no big deal! ALICJA Just a reminder, you divorced me, not him. Bye. ALICJA Kuba! KUBA Wait! ALICJA Come on, let’s go! KUBA I’ll just tie him up. ALICJA Isn’t he a nuisance? WOMAN No. Thank you. ALICJA Come on! KUBA Mom! Can we get a dog? ALICJA What?! No, I don’t know. We’ll see. Sometime perhaps… KUBA Mom… Are we poor? ALICJA No, sweetie. We’re having some problems, that’s all. KIKI Hi, everybody! I’m Kaska, but they call me Kiki. And this is Croissant. Because he’s sweet, like you’d eat him alive! He’s 28 years old… I’m 28, that is. SONIA No-no! Never reveal your age. But if you spill it, don’t lie. Not to that extent. ALICJA Hello. Is your offer still good? SONIA But of course! Come on in! Have a seat, please. SONIA Over here. SONIA Come on in. SONIA I’m glad you came. Please, don’t let me down. SEBASTIAN I’m Sebastian, but they call me Seba. KIKI This is a workshop for women. SEBASTIAN Honey… My estrogen level is higher than yours. I’m here ‘cause not every rich man is straight. SONIA A very good approach! Remember, don’t give up just because it’s hard. Could you introduce yourself? ALICJA I’m Alicja. I have a son… SONIA Stop! Never reveal to a guy that you have children. At least not at once. That could scare him away. MALINAS FATHER Excuse me, is this the contacts program? SONIA What kind of contacts do you have in mind? MALINAS FATHER Men-women. I want to marry off my daughter. SONIA Then you’re in the lion’s den. Welcome. SONIA So, we have a full house! SONIA Curb the urge to talk about yourself. Save it for your hairdresser. SONIA With men switch to listening mode. And laugh at their jokes. ALICJA Even if not funny? SONIA Especially if not funny. And remember to quote them! SONIA And the bottom line is: no financing – no romancing! SEBASTIAN hanky-panky without private banking. SONIA Way to go! You certainly got my point. SONIA Men love sex. And hunting. SONIA Play hard to get. A too fast kill SONIA will be a deterrent. SONIA Build a mysterious aura around you SONIA and they’ll chase you until married. SONIA Let’s move on to the practical part. Any ideas? SONIA The best place to meet a millionaire? SONIA A funeral is scheduled shortly of the late Elzbieta Kroll. SONIA Survived by her grieving, therefore yearning for consolation, husband Eryk. ALICJA We’re to pick up a widower? SEBASTIAN Exactly. His wife’s still warm. KIKI But some of us here are hot, right? SONIA Bingo! KIKI Please accept my sincere and profound condolences. ERYK Thank you. KIKI It’s such a tragedy. KIKI Say one word and the grief in your soul will be soothed. ALICJA I’m really sorry for the passing of your wife. It’s always tragic to lose a loved one. ERYK Thank you. By the way, how did you know her? ALICJA -Pardon me? ERYK -How did you know her? ERYK She didn’t have many friends. ALICJA From the gym. ERYK Strange. She had MS. ALICJA Aqua aerobics? ERYK More likely. Thank you. ERYK Incidentally, what’s your name? ERYK Yes, yours. ALICJA Alicja? ERYK Alicja. ERYK Again, thanks for coming. MALINAS FATHER The passing of your wife was a profound shock to my daughter. She was literally dumbfounded. ALICJA Why isn’t that poor thing buried next to other graves? Why this lonely spot under the birch tree? ADAM That’s what she wanted. She was a loner. ADAM Apart from MS she suffered from chronic social phobia. ADAM It’s a sad story. ALICJA You mean she was bitchy? ADAM No. I was thinking how fragile we were. ADAM Here today and gone tomorrow. ADAM In moments like this you realize that perhaps you should slow down. ALICJA It might be enough to take your hand off the car horn. ADAM You’re angry again. ALICJA I just detest being honked at. ADAM Angry and unforgiving… Alicja. ALICJA And you are insolent. POLA Honey Bear, take my purse, it’s much too heavy for me. Let’s go. SONIA Your biggest asset is… you! You’re a super product. SONIA When properly wrapped, it can sold to anyone. SONIA Remember: where there’s a will, there’s a way. SONIA You’re all invited to a charity event SONIA Expect to meet the city’s in-crowd. SONIA Celebrities, artists in great numbers SONIA and you guys! SONIA You must look like a million dollars. SONIA Dress up like you were to see your number-one enemy. SONIA Good luck. SONIA You need some extra coaching. Don’t slouch! SONIA Is it a problem to wear something other than sacky? ALICJA Having a kid and several jobs you choose what’s comfortable. SONIA Complete with old sneakers. ALICJA You may be a high life expert, but I know what works for me. ALICJA For carrying bags of groceries high heels are no good. SONIA Bite the bullet and do as I say. In the end we both will be happy. SONIA Leave the tag on your dress, you’ll return it afterword. ALICJA To save the money. SONIA Can you do that? SONIA Sure. Everybody does it. Come on. SONIA Hi. STYLIST I’ve got a gorgeous dress for you. Straight from Milan. SONIA This time I need something for her. STYLIST Where did you get your bagpipes? Your bag, I mean. Not even in a chain store, huh? ALICJA Top-shelf. Of my closet. SONIA She’s got to look stunning. STYLIST Okay, though I can’t promise miracles. AUCTIONEER The next to go under the hammer is dinner cooked by the celebrity chef Ewa Wachowicz in your home! AUCTIONNER Here she is! EWA WACHOWICZ Good evening, everybody. EWA WACHOWICZ My dinner won’t be for steak lovers. EWA WACHOWICZ My choice is Polish cuisine with a modern twist. AUCTIONNER We’ll start the bidding at 10K. Anyone? AUCTIONNER I have a bid for 10K. AUCTIONNER Great! Going once… SEBASTIAN Boguslaw Mitura, No 6 on the list of the richest. SEBASTIAN The frankfurter king. KIKI Yummy. I’m vegan, but I wouldn’t mind. AUCTIONNER Do I hear 15K? Yes! We’ve got 15K right now. Going once… AUCTIONNER Going twice… EWA WACHOWICZ Gentlemen! Open your hearts and wallets! For 15K I’ll be too lazy to make of my set of knives. BOGUS Forty. AUCTIONNER 40K! Who’s willing to bid higher? AUCTIONNER Going once, going twice… Three times! AUCTIONNER Sold! AUCTIONNER Good deal! EWA WACHOWIECZ Congratulations. BOGUS There’s more to life than frankfurters AUCTIONNER Now the highlight of our auction: an evening with the Internet star, AUCTIONNER coach and blogger, personal life guide Sonia Babicz! SONIA Good evening! SONIA So many rich people in one room! This makes me think of an Indian proverb. SONIA When the last tree has been cut down, SONIA the last river polluted SONIA and the last fish is dead, SONIA we’ll discover that money won’t feed us. AUCTIONNER Electrifying! AUCTIONNER We’ll start again at 10K. AUCTIONNER Who will bid 10K? AUCTIONNER I see a bid for 10K. AUCTIONNER Going once… Going twice… Who’s willing to bid 11K? AUCTIONNER We have 11K now. Going once… AUCTIONNER Going twice… MACIEJ Twenty. AUCTIONNER Do I see other bids? Going twice… Three times! AUCTIONNER Sold! Applause! AUCTIONNER An evening with the Internet star goes to a TV show host. SEBASTIAN Here you are, sweetie! Come along, I’ll show you someone. SEBASTIAN Come on! ALICJA What? SEBASTIAN Look! The frankfurter king is here. SEBASTIAN He’s moneybags and up for grabs. SEBASTIAN Twice divorced. SEBASTIAN Catwalk chicks lover. ALICJA Then I quit. He’s not my type, and vice versa, I suppose. ALICJA -Why don’t you try with him? SEBASTIAN Out of the question. ALICJA Why? SEBASTIAN He’s so straight that you can smell it at a mile’s distance. SONIA No risk, no champagne. SONIA Never stare at a guy. SONIA Tough case. He’s engaged. ALICJA I’m not interested, anyway. SONIA Yeah, sure. ALICJA -Triumph of form over substance. SEBASTIAN Watch out, he’s coming. ALICJA Who? SEBASTIAN That triumph. ADAM Bumping into each other again. It must be destiny. ALICJA Or my bad luck. ADAM What a sense of humor! ADAM Let’s dance. ALICJA I’m afraid I… ADAM -Relax, I’m a good lead. ALICJA -We’ll see. ADAM Who hurt you so, huh? ALICJA My ex husband. ADAM You bear him a grudge and vent it on others? ALICJA My name’s Alicja. ADAM You forgot to remove your tag. ALICJA But... ADAM Take it, please. ALICJA It doesn’t matter now. POLA Honey Bear! You’re no longer single. ADAM Thank the lady. POLA You’re free to go. POLA I need you to meet someone. ALICJA The price tab! ALICJA Stop! Hold on! ALICJA Excuse me, I’ve lost my purse, it looks like a silver box… Could you please look around? WAITER Sure. I’ll just dump this… ALICJA It’s very, very urgent. WAITER All right. SONIA Don’t panic. This dress is only worth this country’s average monthly pay. SONIA Money has no value. Only feelings are valuable. POLA AND POLAS FRIEND -Have a smoke? Sure. POLA AND POLAS FRIEND Give me one. POLA AND POLAS FRIEND Let me tell you, I’m pissed off. Do you know her? POLA AND POLAS FRIEND Nope. I asked around, nobody knows her. POLA AND POLAS FRIEND A total no-name. POLA No-name, you say. Great! POLA Then not our Honey Bear’s type. My Honey Bear’s. POLA Sweet, charming, wonderful… POLA I say! Who’s the prettiest at the ball? POLA AND POLAS FRIEND We are! ALICJA -I’m sorry. BOGUS Sorry! BOGUS Snail caviar? ALICJA Why not? BOGUS Worth 500 euros. ALICJA I wouldn’t take it for free. BOGUS Right. Disgusting. ALICJA With this money you could feed Africa and a few other continents. BOGUS I know it, you know it. BOGUS And they’re a bunch of snobs. Penny pinchers. BOGUS You here alone? PHOTOGRAPHER Say cheese! BOGUS Can I take you out on a date, show you around? ALICJA I’ve got to go. BOGUS Where to? ALICJA My phone number is 502348… ALICJA Thanks. I don’t think it’s my style. STYLIST Pity. You looked like a million bucks. ALICJA Bye now. ALICJA Come on, Kuba, let’s go. STYLIST Hold on. STYLIST I know you’re Sonia’s student. STYLIST If you ever need glam clothes, you know where to find me. STYLIST But leave the bagpipes home. ALICJA -See you. STYLIST Bye! ALICJA Kuba! KUBA Come on! KUBA Is this really you? ADAM What’s up, kiddo? Want an autograph? KUBA A photo, if possible. Just wait, my mom’s on her way. ADAM Hello. KUBA Mom, take a picture of us two! ADAM Mom? KUBA I’m a goalie, too! ADAM And I’m no longer one. KUBA -Mom, this is Adam Cieslik! ALICJA Not Szczesny, though. KUBA Adam Cieslik, number 9 on the national team! ALICJA No longer, you’ve heard. All right, let’s get it done. ALICJA Nice… Perfect. ALICJA Got it! ALICJA Thank you. ALICJA Come on, you’ll be late for your practice. ALICJA Good bye. ADAM See you. KUBA Bye. ADAM Bye, champ. ALICJA Kuba! KUBA It was Adam Cieslik! ALICJA What difference does it make? KUBA Bayern wanted him, but he broke his leg and never fully recovered. ALICJA That’s the problem with sports. So it’s good to study hard and have a backup plan in life. KUBA Adam Cieslik, dammit! ALICJA -Now, now! ALICJA Can you get it, Kuba? KUBA I’m going to practice. ALICJA Hello? BOGUS This is Boguslaw, snail caviar. Ring a bell? ALICJA Sure. I love frankfurters! KUBA Since when? ALICJA Yeah, I’m with you. BOGUS You love frankfurters… BOGUS Basically… I’m working my butt off. ALICJA What? BOGUS Fine, thanks. I thought it would be nice to get together. ALICJA Well… Sure, why not? BOGUS How about Friday night? ALICJA Friday… ALICJA Sounds good, but I need to check. Too much on my mind lately. MARTA Alicja! MARTA You’re in the paper! MARTA Alicja, my friend! ALICJA Hello? ALICJA Sorry, Friday’s no good. Aws. BOGUS Can’t you reschedule? We’d have a yummy night. ALICJA No chance. It’s one crazy meeting after another… MARTA Alicja! ALICJA Shhh… BOGUS How about Saturday? ALICJA No good, either. BOGUS And next week? ALICJA Next week? Looks okay. BOGUS You can make it next week! BOGUS Great! I’ll see you in a week then. ALICJA See you, bye. MARTA -A whole week? ALICJA Yes. Why? MARTA You’re never busy on Saturdays,I know that for sure. ALICJA Today is Thursday. If you’re pretty, rich and popular, you’re all booked up for the weekend. ALICJA -I’m seeing him next week! MARTA -Yowza! MARTA Just listen to this! MARTA “This country’s frankfurter market MARTA is worth 3 million…” MARTA Billion! ALICJA Didn’t you know? ALICJA Just kidding. MARTA Listen. “Its indisputable king is… Boguslaw Mitura.” MARTA Well, well, well… Let’s see… MARTA “Alicja Mitura”, sounds perfect! MARTA Let’s go on. “He arrived in a sleek tuxedo. His new girlfriend…” MARTA “was sporting a stunning gown from a top designer…” MARTA “complete with dazzling jewelry.” SONIA Oysters are not only a symbol of luxury SONIA but also the food of love. SONIA Just like bananas for the male member, SONIA oysters stand for… LEARNER Yuck! SONIA Exactly. SONIA If you want your partner red-hot, SONIA treat him to a plate of oysters. SONIA Now tell me guys how you did. KIKI Just great. KIKI I met twin brothers, both equally rich. KIKI I gave them my phone number. SONIA Yay! Have they called? KIKI No. But they will. They sure will. SONIA Of course they will. SONIA Seba, what about you? SEBASTIAN Can’t complain. I got a date with a real estate developer. SEBASTIAN He suggested a triangle. KIKI Ugh! SONIA That spells congestion. SONIA Especially if you’re not yet included in the will. SONIA You, Malina? Any success? SONIA Not to worry. Your time will come. SONIA Alicja! How did you do? ALICJA I’m going out on a date. SONIA Wow! ALICJA With the frankfurter king. SONIA Yay! Applause! SONIA Let me remind you guys about your next challenge, SONIA the Equestrian Competition of Stars. SONIA Coming up! SONIA And now… back to oysters. SONIA Let me say again: SONIA no risk… SONIA no champagne. MACIEJ I didn’t know – ham or cheese, MACIEJ so I used both. SONIA Exquisite. MACIEJ Sorry, I had to play it by ear, I’m broke at the moment. SONIA Well… Is that it? SONIA My mom would make me such sandwiches to school. SONIA You won’t hear any more about me. Not from me. MACIEJ You’ll sing after dessert. MACIEJ So? MACIEJ Agree to be on my show? SONIA Never. MACIEJ Why not? SONIA ‘Cause I don’t like being grilled. MACIEJ Let’s make a bet then. SONIA What about? MACIEJ If that cleaner of yours marries a millionaire, I’ll let go. MACIEJ If not, you’ll sit on my Coach of Truth. MACIEJ Unless you’re afraid you’ll lose. SONIA Victory is my middle name. SONIA We have a deal. MACIEJ It’s sealed now. BOGUS -You look beautiful. Thanks. WAITER May I take your order? BOGUS Yes. They have the best ravioli in town. With ricotta and parmesan ALICJA Well… I’d rather… BOGUS Ravioli for both, please. BOGUS Chardonnay seems like a good match. BOGUS Thank you. BOGUS Nice guy. BOGUS I know, I know… BOGUS “Frankfurters made him rich.” BOGUS But I wouldn’t take one in the mouth. ALICJA Frankfurter? BOGUS Yes. ALICJA But people like them. BOGUS They love them. Go crazy for them. Wish they were falling from the sky. BOGUS Snap, snap, snap! BOGUS And you? What made you rich? BOGUS Sleeping Beauty! Wakey-wakey! ALICJA Me? ALICJA Nothing. I’m poor. BOGUS That’s a good one! BOGUS Cinema room…. BOGUS Utility room… BOGUS Outdoor pool, indoor pool, and one that’s in-between… BOGUS This column came from Egypt. Was probably stolen for me. BOGUS Four bedrooms, three bathrooms… BOGUS On the small side, but my pride! ALICJA And here it’s you… BOGUS With a frankfurter. ALICJA Exactly. BOGUS Pork. ALICJA Your children? BOGUS Yeah. A daughter from my first marriage. BOGUS And a son from my second marriage. BOGUS Or the other way round. BOGUS Right. ALICJA -I’m sure you miss them a lot. BOGUS -Not really. BOGUS Kids are better off away from their parents – less pressure, more space. BOGUS Peek-a-boo, Alicja! BOGUS By the way… BOGUS Are you happy with the clothes I’ve been buying you? ALICJA Very happy. Thanks. BOGUS Be frank with me… BOGUS How many more am I to get you so that you start taking them off? ALICJA Where do I begin? ALICJA Can you help me? ALICJA Would you give me a minute? BOGUS I’ll be upstairs. SONIA Give him an inch and he’ll take a mile. BOGUS But why?! KUBA Offside happens when a player of the other team is in the opposite field. ALICJA Wait… Can you say it again? ADAM Hi, there! Where are you heading? KUBA Hi! ALICJA Football game. Kuba! KUBA We’re playing another school. Got to drub them! ALICJA -Kuba! ADAM -Why, that’s what we say. KUBA You see, Mom? ADAM Jump in, I’ll drop you off. ALICJA Kuba, please. Get off. We don’t want to be a problem. ADAM Come on! I’m heading in the same direction anyway. COACH Heads or tails? Tails? Okay. COACH Side change. COACH Could anybody out there help? We’re missing a linesman. ADAM I can. COACH Great. COACH Thanks a lot, we’re honored. ADAM So am I. TOMASZ Right on time. ALICJA Hi. LENA Hi. ALICJA So you’ve squeezed your son into that packed schedule of yours. TOMASZ That irony wasn’t necessary. ALICJA Irony? No. I’m really glad you both came. TOMASZ Sounds much better. LENA Is this that famous goalie? ALICJA Yeah, it’s him. ADAM Hey, cheer up, you’re doing well. You’ll save the next one. Come on! TOMASZ What’s that? It’s Father’s job to comfort his son. ALICJA Good it’s dawned on you. By the way, you owe us child support. TOMASZ Working on it. TOMASZ Kuba! Kuba! Penalty. LENA What’s that? TOMASZ A player takes a shot from a short distance. TOMASZ My boy! My blood! ADAM Well done! ALICJA Congrats! TOMASZ Way to go! High five, Kuba! ALICJA I gotta run, see you! It was fun! Hey, champ! I need a kiss! KUBA No, Mom! ADAM Come on, I’ll give you a ride. ALICJA You don’t need to. It’s far. ADAM Where do you live? ALICJA Don’t bother, we’ll take a cab. ADAM I’m not leaving you here. ADAM Must you always squabble? KUBA That’s just the way she is. ADAM Jump in. ALICJA Okay, get in. ALICJA Well, then… Konstancin, please. ALICJA Buckle up. ALICJA It’s here. ALICJA Thanks a lot! ALICJA Come on, honey. ALICJA Thanks. ALICJA Come on! ALICJA Spaced out, this kid! Like he was hit in the head by the ball! ALICJA Too much excitement. ALICJA Thanks again, it was fun. ALICJA So long. KUBA You said it was bad to lie. ALICJA It wasn’t a lie, but a different take on the truth. KUBA My eye! ALICJA Marta? To the Frankfurter’s, hurry! MARTA I can’t believe it! Hey, folks! It’s a miracle! ALICJA -Watch the road! MARTA I am, I am. MARTA So, what d’you say, Kuba? That guy Mom picked up… Is he okay? ALICJA -I didn’t pick up anybody! MARTA Is he? KUBA He’s coming on to Mom and Mom to him! ALICJA No, I’m not! Kuba! MARTA There you go again! MARTA -Like an old, broken record. ALICJA Sorry? MARTA Okay, I drop “old”, I leave “broken”. MARTA If your son says you like him, it means that you like him. ALICJA Marta! KUBA -She made eyes at him. MARTA -How? ALICJA How? ALICJA No! Not true. I never do that! ALICJA Maybe a little… He’s cool, but can I really judge him at this early stage? And he’s younger than I. A bit younger. KUBA Didn’t I say so? ALICJA What? ALICJA Changed your orientation? SEBASTIAN Sweetheart, that lady has just inherited 100 million euros. This kind of money makes me very bisexual. ALICJA You’re impossible. SEBASTIAN Cheers? ERYK Pleasant, isn’t it? ALICJA Yes. It’s a beautiful place. ERYK I thought about walking barefoot on grass. My wife loved it. ERYK Alicja, right? ALICJA Good memory! And we only met for a moment. ERYK I appreciate your coming to her funeral. ALICJA I didn’t know her… Almost, I mean. ERYK Then I appreciate it even more. ERYK I haven’t got over this loss yet. Years of doing things together and suddenly she’s no longer around. I feel like… Like… ALICJA A shoe without its match? ERYK That’s a perfect comparison. ALICJA They’re like small pieces of art. Look at the coating, it resembles suede. ERYK Interesting. Is this your turf? ALICJA In a way. Everybody has a hobby. I like baking, it’s my way to unwind. ERYK Care for a glass of punch? ALICJA No, thanks. ADAM Hi, Eryk! ERYK Adam! Doing great, way to go! ADAM Thanks. ERYK You haven’t met… Alicja, Adam… ALICJA Hi, linesman! ADAM We shared one football match. ADAM And this is my love, Lady Killer. Stroke him if you like. ALICJA No, thank you. ADAM He’s very gentle. ALICJA I’d rather not take my chances. ADAM It’s okay. ERYK See you. ALICJA A glass of punch you said? Why not? ERYK Okay. KIKI Beautiful car. Impressive. CHAUFFEUR How about a ride? KIKI Why not? CHAUFFEUR Please get in. KIKI Thank you. ADAM Look who’s here. ALICJA I’d like to thank you for that match. ALICJA My son had the time of his life. Thank you. ADAM I had a great time too. ADAM Come on in. ADAM I’ll introduce you. ADAM Come on! Take it easy. The name puts you on your guard, ADAM -but he’s a good guy. ALICJA Why did you call him like that? ADAM He had this name already when I got him. ALICJA A gift? Expensive one. ADAM Yeah, right. But that’s Pola. Will buy you a bookstore rather than a book. ALICJA For you guys who have it all it may be a problem. ADAM “You guys”? ALICJA Did I say so? ALICJA For us… ALICJA I just think that… Oh, my gosh! ALICJA …that it’s still cool to get a book. ALICJA Okay then… ADAM Wait! ADAM I can see that you’re scared. Let’s do something about it. ADAM Easy, easy… ADAM Don’t be afraid. You’re safe. ADAM You see? ALICJA He’s loving it. ALICJA Darling. ALICJA You think he likes me? ADAMS FRIEND Adam! ADAMS FRIEND Are you there? ADAMS FRIEND Come out, let’s go have a drink! ADAM I’ll catch up with you. ADAMS FRIEND Ha! You fear Pola will show up and give you a dressing-down? ADAMS FRIEND By the way, congrats! At last. ADAM Thanks a lot. ADAMS FRIEND When’s the wedding? ADAM Er… Let’s get out of here. KIKI I’ll see you again… CHAUFFEUR I’d be delighted. KIKI -I’ll just take the boss back home. CHAUFFEUR Whose boss? CHAUFFEUR Here you go, sir. YOUNG MILLIONER Bogus! Let’s go! CHAUFFEUR Bye. ERYK Gotcha! ERYK I’ve been looking for you. ERYK What’s going on? ALICJA Nothing. ALICJA It’s just that I’m allergic to donkeys. ERYK Horses, you mean? ALICJA Also. ALICJA I must be off. ERYK To any place you want. ALICJA As far from here as possible. ERYK All right. ERYKS DRIVER Where to, boss? ERYK She said as far away as possible. WAITER Bon appétit! ERYK Please stick around, Marcel. ERYK I might need you. ERYK All right then. ERYK Let’s drink. ERYK To you, to us. ERYK This place has a special meaning to me. But not because it’s Paris. ERYK It brings back memories. ERYK My wife adored it. ERYK I’m sorry. I keep talking about her. ALICJA It’s okay, no problem, really. ERYK Can we be on first name terms? ALICJA Absolutely. ERYK Call me Eryk then. ALICJA Alicja. SONIA Smile! Take the lead! Happiness is a state of mind. ERYK You know, you’re my first date in a long, long time. ALICJA Tell me about yourself. ERYK Well… Elzbieta and I… ALICJA About yourself. ERYK Okay then, I in the first place… SONIA Remember to read papers and gossip websites. SONIA Front pages will reveal whose marriage is on the rocks. SONIA And that’s your opportunity. SONIA Thank you. SONIA Malina! Yay! SEBASTIAN Congratulations. SONIA Alicja! Hold on a moment. SEBASTIAN You must tell me about it. SONIA Has he proposed? ALICJA No. Not yet. SONIA But he’s in love, isn’t he? ALICJA I guess he is. Unfortunately I’m not. ALICJA -He’s nice, intelligent, kind. SONIA -And wealthy. Isn’t that enough? ALICJA He beats my ex in almost every respect. SONIA What’s the problem then? ALICJA I don’t love him. SONIA That will come, sooner or later. SONIA But he has to propose. ALICJA Am I to build on a lie? He doesn’t even know I have a son. SONIA You show your cards one by one. ALICJA Haven’t I taught you anything? ERYK Your call made my day! Any chance to see you? ALICJA I’d like to invite you over. ERYK You sure it’s here? ERYKS DRIVER The street name is correct. ERYKS DRIVER Boss! ALICJA What do you think? ALICJA Acceptable? MARTA You look… MARTA …gorgeous! ALICJA Thanks. ALICJA It’s him. MARTA Alicja, relax! MARTA -Lack of training. ALICJA Stop it. ALICJA Be quiet. ALICJA One, two, three… ALICJA Hi. ERYK Hello. ALICJA Come on in. ERYK I broke it. ALICJA No. There’s a trick to it. ALICJA Come inside. ERYK Hello. ALICJA Meet my best friend Marta. MARTA Hi. MARTA Good afternoon. MARTA -Howdy-do. What’s your name? ERYK Eryk. MARTA Marta. A taxi driver. MARTA Alicja is an awesome person. MARTA She deserves the best. MARTA If you hurt her… ALICJA See you later, alligator. MARTA -I do have time… ALICJA Don’t let us stop you. ALICJA Thanks! MARTA Mister! MARTA I know, I know… ALICJA That’s Marta. She worries about me. Sometimes even too much. She’s a dear. ALICJA I know, bad neighborhood. ERYK Why, not really. Maybe nighttime things happen… ALICJA Maybe. I’m too scared to go out. Just kidding! Just kidding. ERYK But this place is… cozy. ALICJA I need to explain. ERYK No, you don’t. ALICJA I think I should. ERYK No need, really. Money comes, money goes, it’s no big deal. ALICJA Some water? ERYK Yes, thanks. ERYK And I have enough for the two of us. Oh! ERYK For the three of us. ERYK I’ve always wanted to have kids. It’s obviously a boy? ERYK What’s his name? ALICJA Kuba. Here you og. ERYK Kuba... How old? ALICJA He’ll be ten next week. MARTA Magic spectacles, ta-dah! MARTA Here comes the cake! ALICJA Stop! Run to the table, quickly! ALICJA Still alive? ALICJA Make a wish before you blow. KIDS Wow! What’s that? CLOWN Hundred years, hundred years may he live… PEOPLE One more time, one more time PEOPLE may he live… PEOPLE Who? PEOPLE Kuba! ALICJA Hurray! MARTA Alicja! It’s Eryk! ALICJA All right! ALICJA Come on in! ERYK -Can you help? ALICJA Sure. ALICJA Hand me the bowls, please. ALICJA From the rack. ERYK -These, right? ALICJA -No. The green ones. It’s a set. ERYK Here you go. ALICJA Good. ALICJA -Eryk. ERYK Yes? ALICJA Strawberry or kiwi? What will make you happy? ERYK A “yes” from you will do. ALICJA But we’ve only just met. ALICJA I didn’t expect this. ERYK I know. But life has taught me one lesson: happiness is short-lived. ERYK And if you’re lucky enough to get a second chance, you mustn’t let it go. SONIIA You off the rocker, girl? ALICJA I need to think about it, talk to Kuba. ERYK I understand. I’m not in a hurry, really. ALICJA I can see you off. ERYK Yes. I’d better be on my way. ALICJA It’s not that… But… Marta? MARTA Hey! Hello. ALICJA What are you doing here? MARTA I’ve lost… What have I lost? ALICJA An earring, I suppose? MARTA Yeah, right! ALICJA But you don’t wear earrings. MARTA No? MARTA I sometimes do! ERYK One more thing. ERYK Don’t wait for Adam. He’s getting married in a week. ALICJA Some idea… SIGN Will they finally say yes? ALICJA Taste good? KUBA Waffles always taste good. KUBA Mom. Last time you bought me waffles, you told me about the divorce. You can’t get more of a divorce, can you? ALICJA It’s a different thing this time. Somebody wants to marry me. KUBA The linesman? ALICJA No. Eryk. KUBA -The pony guy? -Mhm. ALICJA If you don’t like him, I’ll say no. KUBA He makes you smile a lot more, he’s okay. ALICJA My man! MARTA He wolfed down his pizza and is fast asleep now. I’ll drop him off in the morning. ALICJA You’re a treasure, Marta. I really appreciate it. Bye. WOMAN Hi, babe. Have a light? ALICJA Yeah. A smoldering flame in my heart. ADAM Alicja! What are you doing here? Lost your way? ALICJA None of your business. ADAM I’m getting married. ALICJA I know. ADAM May I get a good-bye kiss? ADAMS FRIEND Be nice to him, it’s his bachelor party. ADAMS FRIEND Come on, Adam! The girls are waiting. ALICJA Go! Perhaps you’ll score one before the wedding. ADAM Jealous, huh? ALICJA Of what? Your fiancée paying all the bills? Good luck on your new path… ADAM Wait. I wanted to talk, to call you. But you started dating Eryk. ALICJA Go. ADAM You wouldn’t have wanted me anyway, ‘cause I’m out of money. ALICJA Leave me alone. ADAM Not everyone is born rich! ALICJA You don’t have to tell me. ALICJA Go. Your buddies are waiting. And the chicks. ADAM I don’t want them. I want you. ALICJA You’re getting married in a week. ADAM But it’s here and now. Just the two of us. ALICJA I’m not a girl to score on your bachelor’s night. ADAM Who are you then? ALICJA You want to know? ADAM I do. ALICJA Then come with me. Come on! ALICJA Come inside. ALICJA The living room. ALICJA And here’s a vintage year of cheap wine from a supermarket. Care for some? I can see you do. ALICJA Very well. ADAM Does Eryk know? ALICJA Now you know as well how I really am. Poor. ADAM One of a kind. ALICJA But? ADAM But? ALICJA There’s always a but. ALICJA We were doomed anyway. ALICJA You don’t like hiking vacations. ALICJA You go to pricey restaurants. ERYK This way. Come on. ERYK You look beautiful. ALICJA Thank you. ERYK All right, Filip. ALICJA We can’t be late. ALICJA Thank you. ERYK Excuse me. ALICJA Thank you. ERYK Alicja. I wouldn’t like to urge you, but… Have you made a decision yet? ALICJA I’ll let you know today. I promise. ERYK What’s wrong, Filip? ERYKS DRIVER Nothing. ALICJA Is anything the matter? ERYK Not, if Filip says so. ERYK What do you mean no gas? ERYKS DRIVER I don’t know. ALICJA No answer. ALICJA What’s going on? ALICJA Here she is! MARTA Why keep calling? I said I was on my way. I took shortcuts. ALICJA Eryk! Come on! ERYK Filip! MARTA Hey there! ERYK Hello. ALICJA Thanks. TAXI PASSANGER If I were you, I’d invest in young Japanese art. ERYK I don’t know. I’m a traditionalist: still life, landscapes. TAXI PASSANGER You’re right! That ultra modern kind is above my head. Monet perhaps? ERYK Perhaps. ALICJA Marta, can you step on it? Please. MARTA Sure! PRIEST We gather here to unite these two loving people in marriage. PRIEST Since it is your intention to enter into the covenant of Holy Matrimony... PRIEST Since it is your intention to enter into the covenant of Holy Matrimony, join your right hands, and declare your consent before God and his Church. PRIEST I, Adam... ADAM I, Adam... PRIEST take you, Pola, to be my wife. ADAM take you, Pola, to be my wife. PRIEST I promise ADAM I promise PRIEST to love you, ADAM to love you, PRIEST to be faithful to you ADAM to be faithful to you PRIEST and to honor you ADAM and to honor you PRIEST until death do us part. ADAM until death do us part. POLA So sweet! Give it to Adam, he’s worse off. ERYK We made it. ALICJA My answer is yes. ALICJA I will marry you. ERYK I beg your pardon? ALICJA I will marry you. ERYK Thank you. Thank you. SONIA Our workshop has come to an end. And let me tell you guys: you have been wonderful! My special praise goes to Malina. Our still water runs deep – into the heart of an oil tycoon. KIKI Congrats. He’s a jerk though. SONIA Kiki, you tried, didn’t succeed, but try you did. Don’t be discouraged, keep trying. And don’t put it off. KIKI I know. My 28 years isn’t forever! SONIA Each of you will get my autographed book with some more useful tips. ALICJA I said yes. SONIA Wow! SEBASTIAN How many carats? ALICJA I don’t know. WAITRESS Here. ALICJA Thank you. SONIA Where there’s a will, there’s a way! SONIA Congratulations. You’ve been wonderful! SONIA My sweet... Amazing. ERYK Here. ERYK Have I… …told you yet… …that you’re very beautiful? ALICJA No. ERYK No? ALICJA No, I can’t. I’m sorry, I can’t. Not with that poor woman watching. ERYK Sorry. ALICJA Such a premature death. In the prime of her life. ERYK You’re exaggerating. She was no spring chicken. ALICJA No, I can’t. Forgive me. I’m so sorry, Eryk. No. I can’t. I don’t deserve you. You’re wonderful, unique. You’re sensitive, honest, but… ERYK You don’t love me, right? ALICJA Forgive me. ERYK No, Alicja. Love sometimes comes with time. ALICJA No, Eryk. Not when the heart’s already committed. ALICJA I’m watching! We need it for the topping. ALICJA Could you open? KUBA I’ll be in the yard. ALICJA Okay. ALICJA And who’s there? SONIA Hi. ALICJA You heard, huh? If you came to convince me to marry him – it’s no go. SONIA No. It’s not that. I wanted to show you somebody. My happiness. She’s my daughter. Nobody knows about her. I love her more than anything. Years back I was like you: divorced, without means. And I made good. I didn’t need a millionaire. Nice meringues. You make them? ALICJA Yeah. Myself. SONIA Winners aren’t the richest, the most assertive or most talented ones. Winners are those who decide to win. What do you expect from life? Looks like my ex. MARTA And... go! ALICJA Amazing! MARTA Beautiful! ALICJA It’s awesome! Thanks! If you hadn’t sold your car, I could never have afforded it. MARTA Oh, shut up. It’s an investment. A good one, I hope. ALICJA Hey, look! TAXI PASSANGER Thank God I’ve found you! MARTA My car! TAXI PASSANGER I have bought it. TAXI PASSANGER It was home to my best business. Art was selling like hot cakes, but… No longer. ALICJA I’ll go and check on the cupcakes. TAXI PASSANGER Riding without you... I’ve lost lots of money… and my bearings. MARTA I no longer drive a taxi. I serve coffee. TAXI PASSANGER I’ll have some coffee then. Lots of it. ALICJA Here. Enjoy. TAXI PASSANGER You see… MARTA Yes? TAXI PASSANGER I always wanted to take you out, but somehow never did. MARTA I was always busy driving. TAXI PASSANGER Would you keep me company to a conceptual art exhibition? MARTA What art? TAXI PASSANGER Conceptual. MARTA What’s that? She’s in the back. MARTA Yes, I’ll be glad to. ALICJA We need these decorated… ADAM Hi! Excuse me. ADAM Here I am. CUSTOMER I was next. ALICJA Give us a moment, thanks. ADAM I’m here because I got divorced for you. ALICJA Does it change anything? ADAM Yes. ALICJA Go away. Go. What are you waiting for? Go before you make me cry again. ADAM Okay. I want to be with you! I love you. Give us a chance. Please. ALICJA It’ll sooner snow in summer. Forget it. MACIEJ Ready? SONIA It depends what you’ve got on me. MACIEJ Nothing. It’ll be my most boring show ever. SONIA Life is a madcap journey. All you can do is enjoy the ride. MACIEJ Right. But it’s no fun riding alone. Every driver needs a navigator. Ready? SONIA I’m all yours. MARTA I don’t get it. Why did you do it to me again? Let him go. ALICJA ‘Cause I’m a loony? MARTA Alicja! Everybody deserves to be happy. Even a loony. ALICJA It wouldn’t work anyway. MARTA How do you know? Now you’ll regret all your life not having tried. ALICJA What’s the matter? Marta... ADAM You won’t get rid of me so easily.