ARCHER BARRY CYRIL EVERYONE FRIDGE_BARRY GILLETTE GOONS KREIGER KRIEGER LANA LEAD_GOON OTHER_BARRY PAM REST_OF_GANG ZARA CYRIL Ahhh Can you not do that...? CHERYL/CAROL Can’t not won’t not. PAM Time can eat a rack of balls. ARCHER So...this is immediately grim. But, to cheer everyone up, I decided to get you all a Friday smoothie. And then I thought it’d be hard to carry them all. So I decided to tell you I forgot. But then, uh... I forgot to do that. ARCHER Huh, no return address. EVERYONE Trap. / Obvious trap. / Bomb. KRIEGER Ooh, do we think it’s maybe time to test my roof catapult and motion tracking auto-cannon? Or is it definitely time? CHERYL/CAROL Let’s shoot some box-skeet! PAM Yeah! Though we should probably call it something else. BARRY Guys? Guys! ARCHER You guys hear that? Or do they just go super hard at the smoothie place? KRIEGER I don’t hear anything. Roof gun? BARRY Guys! Can you not blow up the box cuz, I’m almost out of power here! ARCHER Barry! Thank cyborg Jesus! You’re alive! Why are you in a box? BARRY Oo, Oh god thank you. Uh Yeah, kind of a long story. Umm- BARRY Ha, whoops! Sorry. Still not great with the operating the uh, whole fridge thing. PAM Now that’s what I call a cold open! ARCHER Who’s that for? PAM Ha-cha-cha-chaa ZARA So, what I’m getting is that this mini-fridge...is a friend of yours? LANA Yeah, Barry...what’s the deal here? BARRY Wait, are we in the break room? I know you’ve got other outlets. KRIEGER Yeah, We thought you’d be more comfortable in here with your kind? PAM Unless that’s...appliance racist, if that’s a thing. BARRY If you have to ask, then it definitely is. ARCHER Oh, loosen up. ARCHER Ow! Hey! Do that one more tim- LANA Let’s all just chill. CYRIL Nice. Appliance racist. BARRY So, he said, moving this along, remember how me and Other Barry were trapped in the same body...? And I told you how to shut me down, basically saving your lives by sacrificing myself...? BARRY Seriously!? Come on! I can not believe I have to remind you about this... ARCHER If anything, it was the scientist guy who sacrificed himself. KRIEGER Colt! And he was my best friend. Aw, during our tearful goodbye he told me that I should- BARRY Oh com- Whose story is this!? BARRY Anywho, the electrical surge somehow let me reach out and find this wifi-enabled fridge and transfer my consciousness. BARRY But by the time I got it running... FRIDGE BARRY Hey guys, I’m alive! Ha, Cool! BARRY Once they cleared the rubble, I took remote control of a forklift and carried myself out. But my powers were limited. So I ended up in a college dorm room... BARRY Oh, you’re not gonna clean that up?! BARRY Then I was a prop on a fetish porn set. BARRY You’re not gonna clean that up? But now I’m-H-Hey! That’s really distracting. ARCHER Oh damn! I really wanted that. BARRY You’re not gonna clean that up?! ARCHER Is...that a real question? ZARA Hold on! This refrigerator person is scientifically and philosophically earth shattering! PAM She’s new. LANA So, you did it once. Can’t you transfer into something else? BARRY No. I can’t. I think it had something to do with the power surge. KRIEGER Not to worry, I’ll figure it out! No matter how many human-animal hybrids we have to sacrifice to get there! BARRY Yeah, don’t let him ever touch me. PAM Yeah, That’s pretty much the consensus around here. BARRY Well unfortunately there’s no time anyway because... EVERYONE Other Barry’s back. / Other Barry. / It’s other Barry. BARRY I’ve picked up some ripples out there in the ether and yes. Other Barry must have gotten out like me. Or he was resurrected or some freaking thing. But he’s back. ZARA Can we please take a step back here?! Human-scale artificial intelligence actually exists!? CHERYL/CAROL More like arti-fridgal intelligence. CHERYL/CAROL Sometimes they just come to me. ZARA Yeah, yeah, yeah, very nice. But how can we continue as before knowing that the next stage of consciousness is nigh?! CHERYL/CAROL More like arti-fridgal intelligence. ARCHER Sti-Still really, really good. LANA Okay, we’ve got a little more of a handle on this. Krieger? KRIEGER So, something is drawing huge amounts of power from the Hoover Dam. Luckily, I’m pretty good at power tracing because I siphon off the grid, like, all the time. LANA But not to here, right? KRIEGER That feels like a trick question. GILLETTE Which part? KRIEGER The question part? Anyway, it’s going to Yucca Mountain. LANA The government starting building a permanent nuclear waste storage site there, but it was never completed. CYRIL Where do they put the waste now? KRIEGER Neh, just around. ZARA Fantastic country you’ve got here. ARCHER Yeah, it’s too bad we don’t live on the soggy remains of a crumbled empire. ZARA Give it time. LANA Other Barry is building something big. Been a lot of chatter in the black market contractor world. PAM Great. So now there’s evil plumbers? ARCHER Always has been. Think the Roman Empire had lead pipes on accident? CYRIL Um, Yes? ARCHER So naive. Goth plumbers. PAM Cooooool. ZARA Not that kind. PAM Aw. LANA Yucca strike team is Archer, Pam, Cyril, and Krieger. ARCHER Wait. You’re not coming? LANA Definitely not the first time you’ve used that phrase. BARRY Ha Ha HA! Ice cold! It’s okay when I say it. ZARA Lana, I’m not sure what credentials I lack here, other than some kind of minimum blood alcohol level... ARCHER You have to stay committed. ZARA ...but I respectfully request to join the mission or else you will look like a COMPLETE NUMPTY! LANA To continue, Zara, you will join Ray and me on an linked mission. ZARA Withdrawn. Forget I said that. LANA The main power line to Yucca was buried to prevent sabotage. Years later, when the project was abandoned, an office building was built over the access point. KRIEGER Whatever doom machine he’s got in there looks like it’s protected by some kind high energy field. I’m going to say a “laser matrix,” but just because those are fun words. LANA My team will cut the power to disable the, uh... KREIGER Laser! Matrix! LANA Sure. Then you’ll destroy Barry and his death machine. Any questions? PAM Uh, yeah. Why is Krieger holding a bowl of eggs? KRIEGER Oh, I’m sorry. I thought this was a lunch meeting. Well let me just put these... BARRY Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa w-what are you doing cheif?! Are those peeled, uncovered hard-boiled eggs? KRIEGER Does it help if they’re not bird eggs? ARCHER Well, at least it doesn’t look exactly like the yawning maw of death itself. PAM Well at least if I die I’ll be able to put down this damn refrigerator. BARRY I’m not a “damn refrigerator.” I’m a highly evolved sentient lifeform! PAM Yeah, In a damn refrigerator. ARCHER sighs PAM Hey, man. What’s up? ARCHER Oh, nothing. Just...mentally preparing. I’m not sure if you noticed Pam, but Other Barry tends to beat the everliving shit out of me. All the time. BARRY We’re here to help, buddy! ARCHER Thanks, home appliance. But I might feel better about that if you had, you know, arms or legs. PAM Hey, I brought these for ya. I got them from my cool Aunt Gerty. She gave ‘em to me right before she got busted in Canada for bootlegging Cheese Curds. ARCHER Pam, these are great. But I’m not sure they’re enough... Wait! We do have a secret weapon! Barry, does Other Barry have weaknesses we can use to defeat him? BARRY Man, that's a great question, why didn't I think of that. Um, Let me think! Uh... No. PAM Ugh, I need a break! Anyone else want to carry this thing? BARRY Uh, I have a name. PAM Sorry, does anyone else want to carry Dorkballs here? ARCHER Eh, You seem fine. KRIEGER Ray? Come in Ray, you there? LANA How’s the Yucca team doing? GILLETTE Great! Well I assume. Ya know, they’re inside a mountain. There's not like, a whole bunch of reception in there. LANA So, while Zara and I scout the target, you’re not doing anything? GILLETTE Uh, reductive. But the whole reason we’re doing the mission today is cause they’re having a party, so it should be easy to sneak downstairs. Plus, do you really need me monitoring how many of these techbros are looking at your yabos? LANA It had better be all of them. Although it is making it harder to sneak away. ZARA Oy, shite for brains. If I wanted to talk to you, I still wouldn’t. I’d go home and stick my head in a blender for even thinking it. Now fuck off! GILLETTE If it’ll make you feel better, I will do a thorough scan. Gillette swivels his chair in the van, looking at screens. GILLETTE Nerd. Nerd. Dork. Geek. Nerd. Ne...uh oh. LANA What? GILLETTE Well, it’s not great... PAM Ugh. So, kind of a funny story... CYRIL Come on, Pam! PAM I said I needed a break! ARCHER And I said you looked fine! Why would you mislead me like that!? BARRY Don’t worry! I got it! Cause I think these guys are...slipping. PAM We need to throw the kitchen sink at them. Or something bigger! BARRY Yeah but like wha--nononono! Ohhh! ARCHER Cyril! CYRIL What?! ARCHER Do the one thing you actually do! CYRIL Suppressing fire! BARRY Wait! No-No-No!What-What are you--? BARRY Just put me down! Come on man! ARCHER Why are you mad? You helped! BARRY Because I’m not bulletproof. I just took a hit to the compressor. I’m useless now! KRIEGER Don’t say that. We need you for intelligence on Other Barry... PAM He...doesn’t know any of that. KRIEGER Oh. Really? So...what are we doing? ARCHER Well whenever I’m at my lowest, I always return to one fundamental truth: at least I’m not Cyril. CYRIL Hey, I just did something! ARCHER I’d call you a one-trick pony Cyril, but ponies probably have better aim. PAM Uhh, we really need to get going guys. CYRIL Ho,ho,Oh, I see. CYRIL W-we’re just going to stop before I can say that ponies can’t hold guns! Because of hooves! BARRY And off that devastating riposte... PAM Cyril, just grab Barry. CYRIL Why me? PAM Because you’re the one I can most reliably intimidate. CYRIL I swear. One of these days, I will show them all. BARRY Yeah, I can uh, hear you buddy. CYRIL Damn it. PAM Man, these are really substandard goons. I almost feel bad kicking the snot out of them. Almost. CYRIL I don’t get it. Why doesn’t Other Barry just make a bunch of copies of himself to use as goons? KRIEGER Uh, guys. Maybe because this? BARRY Welp, Seems like this particular Barry doesn’t play well with others. ARCHER So he’s...more evil now? KRIEGER Huh. And from this equipment, it looks like he’s experimenting with nanobots. ARCHER Ugh, I hate nanobots. PAM Why? ARCHER Too small. CYRIL Guys? Can you...give me a sec. BARRY Yeah, no yeah, take your time. I’d rather not be part of the group. CYRIL Hey, I didn’t make you into a fridge. BARRY Did you make yourself into a bitch? CYRIL Wow. BARRY I’m sorry. I’m just upset that I’m stuck in this situation. Just not feeling super useful. Ya know? CYRIL Uh, I know what you mean. I’ve been uh-- BARRY I’m a fridge, not a therapy couch. Why don’t you skip another leg day, then try to pick me up? ZARA So, Why don’t you skip another leg day, then try to pick me up? Now fuck off. LANA Zara. We’re kind of trying to blend in here. ZARA Wouldn’t rejecting these nerds be the kind of thing they’re used to. Buncha rich pricks with wallets where their cocks should be. LANA Uh, what’s going on with you? ZARA Nothing. Why are you being weird? We’ve got an opening, let’s go. GILLETTE Damn it! Those two bogies are on your tail! ZARA How is that possible? How could Barry have known we were coming? GILLETTE I don’t know maybe he was detecting your weird mood swings from space? LANA Right? KRIEGER I was right. It was a laser matrix! ARCHER Nice, we can get reception here. ARCHER Ray. Are they in position for the power cut? We need to place these detonators and the “laser matrix” is still up. GILLETTE What-uh, You’re already in position? ARCHER Uh, at the time we said, yes. GILLETTE You sure your watch isn’t fast? ARCHER Ray, this watch could survive a fall from the Empire State Building and still get me to three tightly scheduled group sex opportunities. And I know that because I’ve done it. What is going on? GILLETTE Wait, was one of them on top of the Empire State Building? ARCHER Ray... GILLETTE You know what, let me patch you through. ARCHER Lana, what the hell is going on!? CYRIL Ugh, oh god, stairs! Ahh! CYRIL What...what did you do to me? OTHER BARRY Nanobots! Geez! You guys were just talking about this! Frickin’ pay attention. OTHER BARRY Hold up. Why do you have a fridge? OTHER BARRY Oh, gross! Hard boiled eggs without a cover! What sort of person does that?! Now I really am glad I’m wiping out humanity. LANA ...well, you must have done something! Otherwise how would they know we’d be here?! ARCHER How do I know? Just fix it! PAM So what, we just wait then? ARCHER I guess. I was all worked up for some kind of evil death robot fight. KRIEGER Yeah, I mean I brought all this cool stuff. Circuit neutralizers, handheld mini- EMPs, and this...oh, that’s for something else. ARCHER Where you been? And where’s Barry? CYRIL Guys, watch out! ARCHER Watch out for what? ARCHER You chose now to grow a spine!? CYRIL I didn’t grow one! I swear. KRIEGER Ow, Hey, I’m not a get-punched person! That’s you guys! CYRIL Sorry, I’m sorry, sorry! PAM Cyril, if you don’t stop this shit right now I will rip off your ears and STAPLE THEM OVER YOUR EYES! CYRIL It’s not my fault! I got nanobotted! OTHER BARRY Yeah, and guess what? OTHER BARRY Oh, it’s... I guess it’s just what he said. OTHER BARRY We ready? Everyone locked down? LEAD GOON Yep. We’re all set. OTHER BARRY Great. Listen, I really appreciate your work. Unfortunately, I’m going to have to let you all go. GOONS groans OTHER BARRY I know. Nothing harder than this. You’ll get severance, and if you need a letter of recommendation... OTHER BARRY Yeah, I’m not doing any of that. Okay, let’s start the show! OTHER BARRY And now...I give you. The big plan! ARCHER Since when did you develop a penchant for theater!? OTHER BARRY Oh, I don’t know, since Aristophanes? Humanity is wasted on humans. OTHER BARRY What is a robot? Well to answer that, we might have to ask, what is a person? I was born on a cold winter night in January, squalling, red-faced, spat out into the world I didn’t understand... ARCHER Oh my god. KRIEGER What? ARCHER He’s...he’s doing a one man show. PAM Oh god. Can’t he just kill us? ARCHER Could really use a power cut right about now. He said to the air! LANA We are working on it! LANA Why are you dicks working for Barry?! You know he’s just going to kill us all! HEAVY1 I don’t know who that is, lady. We just want Zara. She knows why. LANA Care to explain? ZARA Well, that’s a complicated question, but...no. OTHER BARRY ...So by injecting nano-bots into people, I can control their actions, while leaving their consciousness intact, making the result even more horrific! CYRIL It is quite awful- OTHER BARRY Shut up! No interrupting. Now uh, pretend to be a pigeon! OTHER BARRY Now he’s got a limp! Uh oh, and he’s trying to play basketball. ARCHER Sorry, that was pretty funny. PAM Wait, your plan is to inject every person on earth? ARCHER That’s a terrible plan! I mean, think of the time commitment OTHER BARRY That’s why it’s not the plan, dingus. KRIEGER Coooooool. I mean, this is terrible and all, but game respect game. Where did you get the curtain? OTHER BARRY Uh, Regional theater in uh, Tallahassee. Just retired math teacher smell all over it. Anyway, I’ll-I’ll drill down to the water table and put these in the water supply. Should be able to get to most of Las Vegas before anyone figures out what’s going on. And then I’ll have my army. To nanobot the world. ARCHER What’s the radioactive waste for? OTHER BARRY Oh, that just helps. ZARA Look, I may have come to America to avoid some rather significant gambling debts. LANA That’s not enough for them to- ZARA And then I tried to assassinate the head of the gambling syndicate. And I heard they figured out where I was. Which is why I’ve been a bit edgy. LANA Who the hell are you? ZARA I am great at holding it together at work. Fantastic, in fact. Maybe the best ever. LANA Not the time! ZARA But do I maybe have a few impulse control problems? Yes. Was I a poor scholarship kid at a posh school, so now I hate rich people and tend to use violence when they cross me...? AHHHH! ZARA But I am working on it. LANA How hard? BARRY Damn it. I have to do something! But the only part of me that moves is...wait a second. BARRY Er-Nice self-talk revelation Barry! You’re doing it! OTHER BARRY Alright, let’s get this party started! OTHER BARRY What the-a pin? I didn’t create a pin. god dammit. ARCHER Krieger! Do you have something that could get me out? KRIEGER Nah, I don’t think so, sorry. Oh, wait. You mean something like an directed acid cutter? ARCHER Ugh, Yeah, exactly that! PAM How did you not bring that up? KRIEGER You know I’m an introvert! PAM gasps KREIGER Be careful, it’s single use only! BARRY Hey, Josh. What’s up man. You didn’t happen to put a PIN screen into the mega-drill, did you?...No, No, No, I agree. Security is important but what is the number? PAM Hey man, maybe I should do this? Feels like you don’t really want to. ARCHER I don’t! But if someone’s going to die at Other Barry’s hands, it should be me! BARRY Uh, Well, that’s not very trusting... So, transferring your severance now. Yeah, I’m very hurt by this... All right. Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeah, yeah, yeah well it’s a tough business. Okay. Goodbye...Yeah I said goodbye! OTHER BARRY What is that sound-- ARCHER UHHHHHH! OTHER BARRY Yeah, still metal. Seriously, I’m worried about you. You can’t win. Is your brain just all wacked out from all those other times I beat the shit out of you? ARCHER I don’t need a robot’s help to have a messed up brain. Alright! OTHER BARRY Yeah, but maybe I’m just a giver. Ya know. LANA You should’ve told us! ZARA Well I’m telling you now! I’m not very trusting! LANA Well, let’s work on that. Run in that direction. ZARA And then what? LANA What would you learn if I told you? ZARA I would learn if I should trust you! OTHER BARRY Take your time. But you know what, I-I feel like we need to up the ceremony here. Cyril, dance! Dance like you’ve never danced before. OTHER BARRY No. No. Maybe something with more high kicks. Maybe? CYRIL This is...humiliating. OTHER BARRY Well, at least you have experience with that...ya know, you can reference, your entire life. PAM Hey, only we get to make fun of Cyril! KRIEGER Yeah! And it’s the key to our solidarity...for some reason. CYRIL Aw. Thanks guys. ARCHER uhhh oh. OTHER BARRY What is that sound? ARCHER Ugh! PAM Yeah, go get ‘em Aunt Gerty. ARCHER hu! OTHER BARRY Well, that was cute, but now I’m going to kill you. ZARA Fine! But if I die let’s remember that I was right! OTHER BARRY God seriously, what is that sound- BARRY Die you schizophrenic son of a bitch! ZARA Thanks, Lana. You were right- LANA Shut up and attach the disruptor! OTHER BARRY Heeeeere’s Barry! Seriously? You tried to kill me with a fridge?! I’m a goddamn technological marvel- REST OF GANG Yeah! / Get ‘em Barry! / Do it! ARCHER groan OTHER BARRY Ah, you got a real pickle on your hands huh, Archer? You kill me your gonna kill your little buddy. So, what are you going to do? ARCHER Oh, shut up! ARCHER Barry, Barry are you still here? BARRY Just kidding. I’m still here yes. PAM Wait, we could’ve just taken this off and not carried that god damn fridge around. ARCHER Welp. Best not to think about it. LANA Great work everyone! ZARA Even if the only thing you did was eat popcorn this whole time GILLETTE That is not true! Because at one point, I ran out. LANA And hey, I know it was hard to say that back there, but we all have our crap. Honestly that’s how we stick together. ZARA By mercilessly mocking each other in increasing hurtful ways? LANA Yeah, see, you get it. CYRIL Ah. Thanks Krieger. KRIEGER Yep. Yep. Yep. By the way, there are literally millions of tiny dead robots floating around in you right now so...drink lots of fluids? PAM Umm, I do have a question. You and Other Barry have like, died before. ARCHER Yeah, that’s true. So, other than this fridge thing, who keeps bringing you guys back? BARRY I don’t know. I just know that I woke up me again. Which must mean I’m...saved somewhere. By someone. Or something. Maybe some artificial intelligence aspiring to godhood. BARRY Robots aren’t supposed to dream. But sometimes, when I’m recharging, in a ghostly vision I see myself coming back over and over again. Eternally recurring until this... presence summons us both, Barry and Other Barry, at the end of the world. And we battle to either destroy humanity. Or to save it. And in that dream, all I can hear, ringing in my ears. Is the mocking laughter of that... that being. Or, you know. Could just be some dude.