BECCA BEN_FOLDS EDGAR FELICITY FRED GRETCHEN GUEST GUESTS GUEST_2 HONEY_NUTZ_2 JIMMY JUROR KILLIAN LINDSAY MARIAH PAUL PHOTOGRAPHER PODCAST_GUEST PODCAST_HOST SAM SHITSTAIN VANESSA VERNON WALLACE WOMEN JIMMY You! Clean that window. Pistachios? This isn't a baseball game. No, you want to present the plate, aioli smear at 1200. And for god sake, call them servilletes. All good. Smashing. No notes. Atención! Hello, “Help!” In my history as a wedding guest, I have successfully heckled so many ceremonies people are gonna be gunning for us today. Thus, our nuptials must be absolutely flawless. So, in the tradition of punching a bully to demonstrate one's gravitas. You, ma'am, are sacked. You have been made redundant. You are proper on the dole now. Let that be a warning to you all. Oh, and have fun! VERNON Jimmy! Blessed day. Really, just jacked to shit. I love you so goddamn much. Anyfarts, what are you doing out here? JIMMY Editing my vows. But now I've pulled a thread, it's all starting to unravel. VERNON I did that to a sweater once. You hear Gretchen's vows yet? JIMMY No. But I cannot wait; you know they're gonna be so emo. VERNON JIMMY I hope she cries so hard she vomits. Oh, shit! We can't see each other. Huh. Glad they're on good terms again. VERNON What's he handing her? That was weird. Anyjunk, what's up? Why'd you need me early? Last minute titty bar? JIMMY No. You're Best Man now. VERNON What? What?! No. No. Oh my god! JIMMY Well, well, well. Here comes my big apology. Vernon, you're no longer Best Man. VERNON Oh, okay. That's-that's fine. I'm fine. JIMMY All right. Let's have it. EDGAR Let's have what? JIMMY The begging. The groveling. Perhaps one of your signature pancakes with “sorry” spelled out in frosting. EDGAR Oh, no. I meant what I said. I just came to bring you your rings. JIMMY Oh, shit. Right, yeah. I was, uh, about to text you for these. VERNON PODCAST HOST When I investigated how the death of one student. JIMMY What are you doing? EDGAR Waiting here in case you change your mind and need a quick getaway. JIMMY You're Best Man again. VERNON Whoo. What a roller coaster. It tastes so much sweeter now that it was taken away. JIMMY Your first order of business get rid of Edgar. WOMEN LINDSAY Hey, Paul. PAUL Lindsay. Perhaps you can help me. It says I'm assigned to Table 13, but I don't see any other guests assigned to that table. LINDSAY Cool mystery. Hey, it was really nice talking on the phone last night. PAUL It was, wasn't it? I'm glad to see I'm not the only one here without a date. LINDSAY Oh, I'm actually. WALLACE Here you go, lover. LINDSAY Thank you. Keep the change. WALLACE Seriously? Whoa. No one ever tips at the Froyo store. I've thought about putting a cup out, but it just feels desperate, ya know? PAUL You brought the Froyo guy? LINDSAY I didn't want to come alone. Anyway, I better get this Bride Fuel to Gretchen. See you boys later. WALLACE Hey, got any errands you need done for tips? PAUL Actually, would you see what you can find out about Table 13? WALLACE Will do, boss. GRETCHEN Okay, it's on. LINDSAY Eee! Hold on! You're going to want this moment captured forever. Okay, come out. Let's see it. It's so beautiful. Oh Gretchen. I can't believe this day is finally here. GRETCHEN Oh, if you make me cry, I'll kill you. LINDSAY I mean, think about all the men it took to get here. GRETCHEN All right. LINDSAY So, so many men. So many men that I wrote a song about it. It's called, “The Very Last Dick.” GRETCHEN No. I love you, though. LINDSAY Well, I love you too. Just a few lines? I rhyme Horatio and fellat- GRETCHEN No, no, no. Shh. Mmm. GUESTS Hey! There he is! GUEST Hey, Jim- GUEST 2 Hey, how's it going? Uh, oh. PAUL Just know that she's never going to change. Lindsay sure didn't. Well, until she wanted to plow other guys in front of me. That was a rather seismic shift. KILLIAN Jimmy, never go back. Oh, wait, that's the tagline for Jack Reacher 2. Did you know that Tom Cruise is actually 6'1”? If you want to add that to your vows, Jimmy, go ahead. FRED I've been reading about you in the “trades.” Shame about your movie. But you'll sell another one. Or get staffed. You have to. Because you're marrying my daughter, which means you're responsible for her now. Forever. BEN FOLDS Oh, this is great, Jimmy. All weddings should open with alcohol times. I got blue one and other one. BECCA Well, well, well I am so happy for the two of you. JIMMY Look, just say whatever awful thing you're going to say. BECCA No, I'm serious. I think you guys are perfect for each other. That said. JIMMY Here we go. BECCA since you're not technically married yet my pregnancy hormones have made me extra squishy. JIMMY SAM Jimmy! What a beautiful day. I got goosebumps already. SHITSTAIN It reminds me of my nuptials. Except, you know, less timelessly elegant. HONEY NUTZ 2 Uh, was I there? SHITSTAIN Yes. HONEY NUTZ 2 Yes, yes! Great event. So lovely. JIMMY Listen. What did you fellas hand Gretchen this morning? SAM Uh forever stamps. Uh, cash, mafia-style! Bitcoins. SHITSTAIN Passport photo for your honeymoon uh, ticket to Dudamel's Mahler cycle, yeah. SAM Okay, fine. She asked us for coke. She was worried she'd get too drunk and ruin the special day. JIMMY Oh. Oh. Well. Phew, what a relief. I thought it was something bad. No follow-ups! HONEY NUTZ 2 SHITSTAIN Wha. VERNON There you are. The photographer needs us around back. JIMMY Did you get rid of Edgar? VERNON It's in process. Just get your butt out there and look pretty. Huge emergency. Edgar's in his car and you need to get rid of him. And I'm commandeering these on behalf of the groom. Nothing I do today counts. Byeeee! PODCAST GUEST Keeping track of kid's love lives isn't part of the job. EDGAR What? How could she not tell the attorney that she used to date Kevin? Jesus! Lindsay. LINDSAY What the fuck are you doing out here in your car? EDGAR I told Jimmy not to marry Gretchen. LINDSAY What? Oh, Edgar. Jesus. You are the dumb one. You killed the group. EDGAR PODCAST HOST The next thing I had to do was find Lena's mother. VERNON Okay, now Charlie's Angels! Twins poster. You have four arms! An Officer and a Gentleman, I'm the lady. Catch me! Ahh, gah. Weekend at Bernie's. JIMMY Right, I think we're good, yeah? PHOTOGRAPHER I'll take the Bride and Maid of Honor next. VERNON Quick, go that way so you don't run into her. VERNON Oh my god, Jimmy. I'd hit it. I was never sure before, but now, yeah, I'd definitely hit it. GRETCHEN Someone said that Vernon was taking photos with Jimmy. How come? LINDSAY Uh. Yeah, no biggie, but Vernon is Jimmy's Best Man now. Ooh, let's do the stanky leg. GRETCHEN What? Why? Where's Edgar? PODCAST GUEST Who directly benefitted? EDGAR No! What is the DA doing? The cops could've dragged in those fibers on their shoes. Oh. GRETCHEN Most girlfriends would have tolerated you for a month, maybe. But letting you stay with him was, at times of particular assholishness, the one humanizing thing about Jimmy. EDGAR Listen, I I never meant to. GRETCHEN I wouldn't say a word. I really wouldn't. And while I liked you, Edgar, the one thing I could never do was respect you. Because the first few times, it's like, “Hey, be nicer to the guy.” But the next 2,000 times, that's on you. EDGAR I know. That's why I'm here. GRETCHEN He is never going to respect you. Never. Never. EDGAR I'm just trying to stop him from making a mistake. GRETCHEN I don't even pity you anymore. I just hate you now. Leave. Leave now. PODCAST HOST It all became clear that. WALLACE Hey, friend. Bad news. There is no Table 13. PAUL I don't understand. WALLACE Seems it's an old wedding joke for someone no one wants to sit with. PAUL Oh, dear. Oh my. That's dispiriting. WALLACE Yeah, anyway, why don't we say 50 bucks? PAUL I'll give you $200 to leave. WALLACE Deal. VERNON All right, Ben Folds. Ready to get your socks knocked off? BEN FOLDS Whoa, that's delicious. What the heck is it? VERNON It's called trash juice. BEN FOLDS Trash juice It's magnificent. VERNON I knew I'd find you one day. KILLIAN Ladies and gentlemen. We will be opening the doors to the main hall in 15. minutes GUESTS SHITSTAIN Wait. What's “squishy?” BECCA Everything. VERNON Jimbo! I have a very special guest. Awoooga! MILF Alert. MILF Alert. It's Gretchen's mom. Mmm. JIMMY Just say whatever you need to say. It's not going to change anything. VANESSA This was from her great-grandmother Gretchen. She was similarly feisty. I'd appreciate it if you'd give it to her before the ceremony. Something old. A word of advice, Jimmy The more you love Gretchen and try to take care of her, the more she'll resent you. JIMMY I really love her. VANESSA I'm glad. PODCAST HOST It felt slippery as glass, as if you could look at her, slide your hands down. EDGAR Look Gretchen, I'm not leaving. Okay? BEN FOLDS Take me home, Dmitri. EDGAR I'm not your Lyft, Ben Folds. BEN FOLDS For real? Dang, I keep doing that. I remember you. You're friend with that British guy. How do you do it? Adult friendships are so hard to maintain. Billy Corgan and I were really close until that year that I got the better green room at Weenie Roast he never got over that. The point is, you're lucky. Okay, there's my ride. Folds out, motherfucker. JIMMY Ah. Hell yeah. GRETCHEN No, no, no! I am not supposed to see you. What are you doing in here? JIMMY You didn't write your vows? GRETCHEN What? What are you even talking about? I have them right. Oh, fine. I had the boys help me. JIMMY You care so little about this wedding that you even farmed out your vows. GRETCHEN No. I care so much that I hired a professional. Shitstain had his first poem in The New Yorker when he was 19. JIMMY You don't pick out the flowers, you don't get your own dress, fine. But these these are your vows. They're a sacred pledge to me and you have someone else write them? GRETCHEN Why do you even-? Is Edgar getting in your head? Is that was this is about? JIMMY No. What-what? No. GRETCHEN If what Edgar said didn't affect you, then why didn't you tell me about it? Admit it, you normally wouldn't give two shits if I didn't write my own vows. You're looking for an excuse. JIMMY No, Gretchen. I've been so busy justifying your lack of participation that I've ignored what you've been trying to tell me you don't want to get married. GRETCHEN I'm not well! JIMMY No! You can't use that as an excuse here. Your mom was right- GRETCHEN Do not bring up my mom! JIMMY There's a part of you that will resent me forever if I marry you. You hate constraints and that is what I will forever be. GRETCHEN This is insane! JIMMY Do you want to marry me? GRETCHEN I am here, aren't I? JIMMY You're still not saying it. GRETCHEN I'm in a dress! My mom is here. JIMMY Say “I want to marry you.” GRETCHEN Stop bullying me! Fine! I want to marry you! I do. I want to marry you. JIMMY Goddamn it, Gretchen. Well, I-I don't think that I want to marry you. MARIAH You okay? JIMMY It's an ambush. I've been ambushed. Gretchen - MARIAH I know. I should have told you. JIMMY You knew? What, you knew? MARIAH I'm sorry, Jimmy. But I think it's time you guys talked. EDGAR They didn't tell you I'd be here. JIMMY Nope. EDGAR Ah. JIMMY Yup. EDGAR Listen, I don't. JIMMY How's New York? EDGAR Good. Loud. Lots of triggers, but I'm adapting. I'm sorry for what I did back then. I'm sorry. JIMMY You should be. It was inconceivably abhorrent. EDGAR I know. JIMMY But you were proved right. It took me a while to admit it, but it was ultimately, a rather brave and selfless act. EDGAR It wasn't selfless. It was the only way I could get away from you. JIMMY S-So, how are you? EDGAR Good. Oh, really good. I'm adapting a murder podcast. JIMMY Ah. EDGAR Yeah, it's taken years to work out the rights, but I'm interviewing some writers while I'm in town. JIMMY Ah. Well, I would throw my hat in the ring but I'm busy writing Depth. EDGAR Yes! You know, I read Height. So good. Man, those Victorians were messed up. So much spanking. JIMMY Ah, you don't know the half of it. EDGAR JIMMY You, don't talk to me. GRETCHEN Come on. It's been long enough. Besides, haven't you learned by now that I'm always right? FELICITY EDGAR Rawr! GRETCHEN Leave Uncle Edgar alone, baby. You already caught him. FELICITY Pick me up, Daddy. JIMMY Yes, Miss Bossypants. You met behind my back? GRETCHEN Earlier today. I conned Edgar into playing tiger with Felicity. MARIAH Come on, Wormy. Let's go find the appetizers. JIMMY Yeah. FELICITY Yeah. MARIAH Yeah. EDGAR Is that? GRETCHEN the florist who essed Jimmy's dee? Yes. And it got all possible sexual tension off the table forever, thus, the perfect nanny. No danger of Afflecking here. LINDSAY What the hell are you guys all doing out here? You can't miss our first dance. I mean, our second first dance. Paul took lessons. PAUL Yes. I'm all prepared to do the “Lindsay Hop.” LINDSAY PAUL Or perhaps I'll save that particular move for tonight. LINDSAY I don't know what you're saying. GRETCHEN We'll be right there. I love you. EDGAR Hey, wait up. GRETCHEN You mad? JIMMY Only murderously. Though I suppose that dead little heart of yours was in the right place. GRETCHEN How did it go with the house? JIMMY Well, it's officially not ours anymore. GRETCHEN Oh, I'm sorry, bud. But you know it was a death trap for kids. JIMMY Yeah. How was your hotel? GRETCHEN Great. You were right, I couldn't get through a month without drinking. JIMMY Ah. GRETCHEN But, I did get digits. Cute, too. Mama's still got it. JIMMY Oh, we should probably go in. Watch Paul and Lindsay make the same mistake twice. GRETCHEN First, I'm gonna shake all the presents. They ripped off our non-wedding venue, they owe me a food processor. JIMMY Oh. I forgot my lighter. I'll be right in. PODCAST HOST As the jury filed into the courtroom I looked over at Kevin perhaps already anticipating the jury's decision. EDGAR Oh, damn it, Jimmy. JUROR We, the jury, find the defendant - GRETCHEN Jimmy! No, Jimmy. It's not going to be that easy to leave me this time. You knew who I was. JIMMY If that's all you have to say, that you're damaged, I'm getting straight into Edgar's car. GRETCHEN He's not here anymore. I - Motherfucker! Look, I tried to write my vows. I did. Many times. I tried with all of this, and I failed. JIMMY Mine are just as phony. GRETCHEN What? JIMMY Writing them, I couldn't imagine myself up there, saying these things, so I wrote them as a character named Theodore writing to his future bride, a character named Samantha. Sammy, to friends. I had to pretend to be someone who wants to take care of someone in sickness and health. False concepts like "forever," "eternity," "until death." Who wants to lie in front of everyone they know that they are gonna love someone forever? How can you know that? You can't. GRETCHEN I feel like we're not going back inside. JIMMY You've been saying all along that we might change; well, can you really promise that your feelings won't change 40 years from now? 20 years from now? Five years from now? This ceremony is a fiction! It's a false guarantee that protects us from exactly nothing. It's novocaine. It's an opiate. It's a lie. You were right. GRETCHEN I know. I know I was. So, instead of making these giant, fake, impossible-to-live-up-to pledges, what the fuck are we going to do? What do you want, Jimmy? JIMMY Pancakes. JUROR We the jury in the above entitled action find the defendant not guilty of the crime of murder. EDGAR What?! Seriously? No, oh my god. LINDSAY I can't find them. You have to do something! PAUL I couldn't help but overhear. Jimmy might have gotten cold feet? LINDSAY I don't know. Maybe. PAUL Well. The prospect of marriage can be very daunting. LINDSAY Hey. Did you have dauntings about marrying me? PAUL No way, José. No dauntings. LINDSAY Me neither. José. VERNON Hello, everyone. Hello. Shut up! Best Man Vernon here. I don't want anyone to lose their shit, but we can't find the bride or groom. That really can only mean one thing. Jimmy and Gretchen are likely dead or have been in a horrible accident, so starting to picture life without them is probably a smart move at this point. GUESTS LINDSAY Hi. Sorry about that, everyone. Vernon is not good in stressful situations. VERNON I'm so not! LINDSAY Everything is fine. The best thing to do at a moment like this... is to listen to a song I wrote for the bride. GRETCHEN So, we're not getting married. JIMMY No. GRETCHEN But we're not breaking up. JIMMY No. GRETCHEN So what are we going to do? JIMMY Every day, we choose. GRETCHEN Huh? JIMMY I don't want to be with you because I made a promise to be with you. I want to be with you because I want to be with you. So every day, we wake up, we look at each other, and say, “Today, again, I choose you.” Until maybe, one day, we don't. GRETCHEN You know I love the idea of always having one foot out the door. JIMMY We don't declare anything. Except this Gretchen, every day I will make the choice to love you, and love you I will, wholeheartedly, that one day, because I choose to. GRETCHEN I really like it. JIMMY Me, too. GRETCHEN JIMMY I'm sorry you didn't get your wedding. GRETCHEN We got photos of me looking fly as hell. That's really all that matters. You know the one thing I do regret? JIMMY All the money we wasted? Leaving everyone in the lurch? Not getting the chance to see Paul wandering around looking for his table all night? GRETCHEN Leaving behind all those gifts. JIMMY I already texted Vernon to load up the car with them. GRETCHEN God, I love you! GUESTS JIMMY Ah GRETCHEN Hey. You know that there's always a possibility that someday I might leave my phone and keys at home and step in front of a train. You know that right? JIMMY Yeah. But I'll move on really quickly. Like, record-setting. GRETCHEN Okay. Mmm.