BECCA EDGAR GRETCHEN GUESTS HAIR_STYLIST JIMMY LINDSAY LITTLE_GIRL PAUL PEOPLE VANESSA VERNON WOMAN EDGAR LITTLE GIRL EDGAR No! Not the tickles! LITTLE GIRL EDGAR No. Come on, honey. Let's go inside. LITTLE GIRL I have this for you, a stick. EDGAR Oh, it's a cool stick. This make up's kind of scary, huh? GRETCHEN Holy shit. Holy shit! Holy shit! All of it? JIMMY And with 24 hours to go. GRETCHEN That was so much work! JIMMY An incredible amount of stupid, idiot work! GRETCHEN I hate work! And that was- Okay, now that's really open for debate and not really the point. JIMMY Of which I did most. Basically, all. I'm just saying I did all of it. This is really my wedding. GRETCHEN My second marriage, I'm eloping. JIMMY No doubt. GRETCHEN Why isn't Edgar cooking us some pre-wedding fritters or some shit? JIMMY Oh, he's putting the finishing touches on his Best Man Jimmy day. GRETCHEN Yuck. Lindser and I got to run all over town getting this face and body camera-ready. JIMMY Do you think I need to-? GRETCHEN No one's gonna be looking at you. Literally no one. You're invisible tomorrow. No one gives a fuck. You could die. I can't believe how not freaked out I am. I thought I would be shitting my pants the day before my wedding, but I just feel so good since I came clean to you about everything. You have given me a gift no one has before. Acceptance. Unconditional acceptance. Jimmy, it's all I ever wanted. I finally feel truly safe. JIMMY God. I'm genuinely touched. GRETCHEN So safe in fact. JIMMY What are you doing there? GRETCHEN So safe I feel like I can do anything and you'll never leave me, no matter what I do. JIMMY Why would you do that? GRETCHEN It's a metaphor. For how I can do anything I want now. JIMMY Yeah, a metaphor I'll be cleaning up. GRETCHEN You know you don't need to fix my problems, Jimmy. JIMMY So you're going to clean it up? GRETCHEN Cleaning it up ruins the metaphor. JIMMY Paul! Did you get Lasik? Oh, good Lord. Costume changes? GRETCHEN I guess I won't see you until. JIMMY You're walking down the aisle, in hilariously incongruous white? EDGAR/LINDSAY Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss! LINDSAY Have sex, have sex, have sex, have sex! JIMMY All right, let's get this over with. GRETCHEN Don't lose him. I need that piece of shit to marry me tomorrow. EDGAR I won't. LINDSAY GRETCHEN Ugh! I guess I'll go get dressed. LINDSAY Wait! Before you put on pants, where's your favorite place to go? GRETCHEN Nowhere. LINDSAY That's where we're going. GRETCHEN Are you serious? I don't have to put on pants? LINDSAY You can Donald Duck that shit because this is your day. Everything is coming to us. Manis, pedis, facials, food, booze. GRETCHEN Thank you. I am stupid excited to hang out with you. LINDSAY Same! Extra stupid. GRETCHEN So, tell me the haps. What was it like munching Yvette's puss? LINDSAY Oh! Mani/pedis must be early. VANESSA Hello sir? LINDSAY Sorry, wrong door. GRETCHEN You have to get rid of her! I'm serious. Whatever it takes. LINDSAY GRETCHEN Mommy. VANESSA Gretchen, why aren't you wearing pants? Do you not shave above the knee? GRETCHEN I thought you and Daddy had plans today. VANESSA Your father wanted to go to the Reagan Library, but I've already been so many times. LINDSAY Hi, Mrs. Cutler. So nice of you to surprise us. VANESSA Gretchen, who is this person? Is that the right word? I want to be an ally, but they make it so hard. GRETCHEN How's your hotel, Mommy? VANESSA Dreadful. They put us near the elevator, so I made them move us. I had to go out into the hall, then we were near a baby, so. LINDSAY For your butt. Sorry! Got to go. GRETCHEN You're bailing on me the day before my wedding? LINDSAY I'm sorry. I love you, I love you. You're on your own. Sorry! VANESSA Is this a “built-in” couch? Must be impossible to clean. And you enjoy walking on the bare floor? EDGAR On the eve of this major turning point in your life, we embark on three stops. This first stop represents a dream from your past. Something you used to talk about but never got to do. Sochi 2014. You wouldn't stop talking about curling. JIMMY No sport more misunderstood, no players more understandably hair-trigger defensive than those of curling. Fuck yeah! WOMAN EDGAR LINDSAY Hello? Are you me? Ah! Thank God! For a second I thought I was in a Black Swan. PAUL Becca is being reckless with her health, and therefore, with the health of my progeny. She butt dialed me from a wine tour. LINDSAY Gretchen's bitch mom ruined my day so let's sort this sitch out. Becca? Get over here. And bring back all the TP you stole. Last night I had to wipe with a sock. VANESSA Have you ever considered curtains? GRETCHEN How's Daddy? Is he playing a lot golfing? How's his knee? VANESSA Eh, he's fine. Oh, before I forget, I need to see the seating chart. GRETCHEN Now? VANESSA Thank you. VANESSA Can you make it any bigger? Go up. You sat Robert next to his son? You have to change it. Who is this Paul person, and why doesn't he have a table? What if you moved him- GRETCHEN No! Paul throws everything off! I'm sorry. Uh, the chart took forever. VANESSA Do you know how embarrassing it is when people ask me about the menu and the flowers, and I just have to shrug and say, “I suppose I'll see?” Other than that phone call in the middle of the night to let me know you and Boone were getting married, you've haven't told me a thing. GRETCHEN Are you sure we haven't talked about the wedding since then? VANESSA Positive. GRETCHEN That's really funny, because I just realized now that there may have been an assumption that someone made and I may have inadvertently forgotten to set the record straight, and you might still think that. Mommy, I'm marrying Jimmy, not Boone. Mommy, I said I'm- VANESSA I know you're marrying Jimmy. I'm not a complete idiot. GRETCHEN Oh. Then why are you here? VANESSA Our daughter is getting married. We've had front row seats to all of your mistakes so why stop now? Do you have a Saltine? I'm a bit peckish. PEOPLE EDGAR Okay, for our second stop. Jimmy, this one represents- JIMMY Oh, let me guess. My present? EDGAR No. Your present is now, why would you need to visit it? No, it's your past again, but this one is bad. It's the anger and stress and anxiety you've held onto, and it is time to let it out. PEOPLE EDGAR It's a smash room. WOMAN EDGAR A safe way to externally fight the demons within. JIMMY I can see how you might be drawn to this, but as someone who lives his life honestly, I have no need for a safe space to vent the impotent rage I simply do not possess. JIMMY Dial-ins! Sheila! Studio system! Signature Cocktails! Vendors! Caterers! Depression! Ah! PEOPLE Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! JIMMY I'm getting married, Papa. PEOPLE Aw. JIMMY LINDSAY Paul. Becca. Please keep in mind what's important is the welfare of a child that's going to exist soon, so let's clear the air and everyone agree to stop ruining Paul's baby, you heinous bitch. BECCA I'm not ruining his baby. I can't help it if the baby craves unpasteurized cheese. PAUL And sushi? BECCA I didn't eat sushi! It was sashimi. Rice goes straight to my hips. VERNON Chillax, Dorkus. It's good to challenge babies' immune systems. That's how you make an X-Men. PAUL You agreed to follow a rigorous meal plan, to do yoga and Pilates, to play it trans-vaginal Mozart. VERNON My wife's not jacking it with that dildo speaker to play your kid nerd music. PAUL It's all in the contract! BECCA Since you brought it up, I do have a solid legal basis for increased parental rights due to the altered method of insemination. PAUL You want parental rights? BECCA No, I just said I had a legal basis for parental rights. Plus, I do have a geriatric womb and might never get pregnant again. What if I never get pregnant again? VERNON I'm not gonna lie, I was hoping we'd get a do-over someday. Tallulah's great, but face it, we're not turning that boat around. BECCA Vernon, we have to keep this baby. I can already feel how much it loves me. LINDSAY She's bluffing. When Bec and I were kids, she would threaten to kill herself if I didn't give her my Choco Taco. PAUL Please. Just tell me how much. BECCA Paul, you can't put a price on a mother's love. VERNON But if you want to put a price on a mother's love, low mid-to-mid six figs all in. PAUL Six? BECCA If you're not willing to give everything you have for this baby, maybe you don't really want it. PAUL I think you might be right. BECCA What? PAUL I love the idea of a child, but I don't think I'm ready for the reality. I think... I think I'm out. Thank you, Becca. LINDSAY Paul! No! PAUL I'll be okay. Maybe I'll take the hundreds of thousands of dollars I already put in a college fund and use it towards my travels. VERNON Babies are the real trip- all kinds of new experiences. The nonstop screaming, clipping them tiny fingie nails, not being able to run out right quick to see the new Minions movie 'cause some little dummy might roll onto her face and die. PAUL I think it would be best for all if I began my travels immediately. LINDSAY Paul, you can't leave! It's your baby! BECCA Wait Paul! We were bluffing! I can't do it all over again. You can't make me! PAUL 20 grand, all in. BECCA 30 or I kill myself! PAUL Fifteen. VERNON Done! BECCA Done! VANESSA and when she refused to stop parking in front of our house, I simply had Enrique change the sprinklers to go off right before she had to leave for work in the morning. GRETCHEN You think this marriage is a mistake, and you weren't going to say anything? VANESSA Do we have to talk about this? We were having such a nice day. GRETCHEN Actually, we do have to talk about it, and we're not having a nice day. This is a terrible day. You are my mother, and yet you refuse to ever talk to me about anything real. VANESSA I was just telling you all about the new Oriental family next door. GRETCHEN Anything real, mother. You're so afraid you might hear something unpleasant. VANESSA You always have to be so provocative. GRETCHEN It's the day before my fucking wedding, and you know nothing about me! VANESSA What don't I know about you? GRETCHEN Seriously? Let's see. In high school, I had more sex in your bed than you did. Granny's Homer painting that's been in the family for decades? Fake. I sold the original to buy acid. I said my piano teacher “bad touched me” to get out of a recital. HAIR STYLIST I'm gonna go have a cigarette. VANESSA Congratulations, Gretchen. You've driven the help away. Again. GRETCHEN The hamster didn't escape, I forgot to feed him. Abortions? Yup! I didn't graduate from college! VANESSA I know all of this, Gretchen. GRETCHEN Bullshit. No way. You would have stopped me. VANESSA When could I ever control you? GRETCHEN When did you ever try? Did you ever think that maybe, just maybe, all the terrible shit I did was a cry for help? VANESSA Your father and I didn't want to indulge you. GRETCHEN Why not? VANESSA You wouldn't have figured out how to take care of yourself. GRETCHEN I can't take care of myself! I have been suffering in the dark with a severe goddamn mental illness my entire life! VANESSA Oh, stop it! Just because you're blue now and again does not mean you have an illness. GRETCHEN You caught me drowning my American Girl dolls. Why didn't you do anything? VANESSA This is really too much. GRETCHEN I tried to kill myself, Mommy. I did. When I was 17. I really wanted to die. I really did. I sometimes still do. VANESSA You're right, nothing we did was ever enough for you. GRETCHEN Don't you think that if I'd talked to someone when I was 13 or 17 or 26 that I would be better now? That I wouldn't be this person? VANESSA What do you want? Do you want me to hold you and tell you that I'm miserable, too? That I haven't felt love for your father, for anyone, in 20 years? That I would kill to have an affair, but I'm too scared what people might say? Or worse, that no one would have me? GRETCHEN Yes. VANESSA Well, I don't. Everyone's fine. Life is good, Gretchen. I don't know why you make it so difficult for yourself. GRETCHEN I don't make it difficult. It is difficult. To be honest, it feels like- VANESSA No one wants to hear these things. If you insist on sharing them, you'll just push everyone away. GRETCHEN You're wrong, Mommy. Maybe it'll push you away, but not Jimmy. GUESTS EDGAR Last stop on the train. JIMMY Is this a private club? Where powerful people talk about their mistresses and topple governments? EDGAR Yup. And you're now a member. It doesn't actually unlock anything. You just show it and you get in. JIMMY No. No. They'll sniff me out. EDGAR No, that-that's the point of this day. You still think of yourself as lowly, poor, undeserving, on the outside. But, Jimmy, you belong now. Go ahead. BECCA Carve out Sauvignon Blanc in the third trimester, and you can do whatever you want with my placenta. PAUL Threaten the well-being of my child again, and I'll sue the britches off of you. LINDSAY You jerk! You were gonna leave. PAUL I wasn't serious. I was calling Becca's bluff, like you said. LINDSAY I believed you. Well done. Anyway, I'm glad you're staying. PAUL So, I guess I'll see you tomorrow for the big day. Give me a call if you need anything, or even if you just want to talk. Does anybody talk on the phone anymore? LINDSAY PAUL Klondike one nine, patch me through, Midge. LINDSAY I don't know what you're doing but okay. Bye, Paul. PAUL Did I forget something? LINDSAY No. You said to call. PAUL Oh. Do you want me to come back in? LINDSAY No, this is nice. Hey, Paul? PAUL Yes? LINDSAY How do fish sleep? PAUL Oh, golly, it's weirder than you think. For starters, fish don't have eyelids. LINDSAY Wow. GRETCHEN You're leaving? VANESSA I have to go meet your father at the hotel. Apparently, he and the docent got into it about Reagan's handling of AIDS, and he's still a little wound up. I will see you tomorrow. GRETCHEN You're still coming? VANESSA You know, I see young people, daughters of my friends struggling with the question of having children, and I just want to tell them don't. It's not worth it. GRETCHEN Mom. VANESSA I'm serious. What pleasure is it? You don't like me. Your brother's a child. You wanted real. Whatever you think of me, it's my job to want more for you than you want for yourself. But if you need someone who doesn't push you and embraces your flaws, I'm glad you found Jimmy. GRETCHEN I wish you had that, too, Mommy. VANESSA See you tomorrow. JIMMY What a rush! I was on fire. They followed my stories, understood my obscure allusions and complex wordplay. They loved me! EDGAR You just found your people, Jimmy. JIMMY You found my people. You know, it is both infuriating and humbling how thoughtful of a friend you are. You've seen me at my worst, and yet you've always seen my worth. And still, it took me years, literally, to see yours. EDGAR It's okay, Jimmy. JIMMY No. No, it's not. You are, and have always been, my Best Man. And my best friend. EDGAR Thanks, Jimmy. I, uh. I thought this conversation would be easier after everything we did today. I wanted to remind you how far you've come. How much you've grown. So I can say this don't marry her. You told me not to lie to you. And the truth is you can't do it. You can't marry Gretchen. JIMMY No. No, Edgar. We're we're in a good place. She came clean with me. She's stopped lying to me. For me. EDGAR I don't think it's enough. Because even when you tell each other the truth, you don't do anything about it, and you just end up hurting each other. JIMMY I'm not going to hurt Gretchen. Not in ways that count. She's a tough girl. EDGAR Beautiful. Are those your vows? JIMMY Fuck you. EDGAR You guys hold how you don't judge each other as this great thing, but it's really not. It's just a justification for your guys' selfishness. You love each other but that's not the same thing as being good for each other. JIMMY You stop talking. EDGAR I'm sorry, Jimmy. I'm right. You know I'm right. JIMMY I don't give a shit what you think about our relationship. I never have. You're pathetic. You're nothing. EDGAR I talked to the venue and the caterers. JIMMY Stop it. EDGAR And they are willing to give you half your deposit back if you cancel now. We can get in my car and drive to the desert. We can drive to San Francisco. We can just drive wherever, just as long as you- JIMMY We're done. EDGAR Jimmy. JIMMY I don't want to see you ever again. EDGAR You'll destroy each other. JIMMY There is no way I'd rather go. GRETCHEN Ah. Ah.