BARTENDER CURTIS EDGAR EMPLOYEE GRETCHEN JIMMY KILLIAN LINDSAY RECEPTIONIST SHEILA TALLULAH TV VERNON YVETTE GRETCHEN Soda water. BARTENDER Lime wedge? GRETCHEN Nah, who am I trying to fool? CURTIS Hey, there. GRETCHEN Hi. CURTIS Are you staying at the hotel? GRETCHEN I am. CURTIS Yeah, me, too. Yeah. I'm, uh, I'm Curtis. GRETCHEN Gretchen. CURTIS Wow. I don't think I've ever actually met a Gretchen. GRETCHEN Well, Curtis, now you have. CURTIS Yes, I have. So, uh, are you, are you here alone, or? GRETCHEN Yes, I-I am alone. CURTIS Uh, I-I guess what I'm asking in a larger sense is single. Are you, uh, are you s-single? GRETCHEN Single like a fox. Although, I did almost get married once. CURTIS Ah, almost. Well, I mean, would you want to tell me the story over a drink? GRETCHEN Aw, fuck it. Whiskey rocks. You live exactly once, right, Curtis? GRETCHEN JIMMY Okay. The Final Options For Gretchen's Walk Down The Aisle Music. "Tubthumping" by Chumbawamba. "Juicy," Biggie. "Poison" by Bell Biv DeVoe. As Shakespeare said, “Never trust a big butt and a smile.” GRETCHEN JIMMY "Freak on a Leash" by Korn. "Marry Me" by Train. GRETCHEN Oh, nix that one. I don't want to ruin my mascara crying too hard. JIMMY "Sweet Child of Mine," GNR. "Relax," by Frankie Goes to Hollywood. You do know that's about butt sex? GRETCHEN I do. JIMMY Madonna, "Like a Virgin." "2 Become 1," Spice Girls. Aw. "Sabotage," Beastie Boys. "Waterfalls," TLC. GRETCHEN Aw, too sad. AIDS. Change it to "No Scrubs." JIMMY "Pop That Pussy," by 2 Live Crew. "Girls Just Wanna Have Lunch," by Weird Al. "Maneater," by Hall & Oates. And "Cherry Pie," by Warrant. GRETCHEN Great list? JIMMY Greatest list. So, shall we winnow it down? GRETCHEN Oh, gonna have to winnow lata, playa. I have to head into the office where the shitstorm du jour starts. Oh! Aw, damn it. Calgon, right? Anyway, office drahms. Debbie's inner-ear problem is flaring up so she's always weaving when she walks, and Mike's cat's butt is jacked after she had all those baby cats. Blah, blah, blah. Work shit. JIMMY Yeah, y--mi-might I remind you that your first wedding is but five days away, and we still need to choose the font for the name cards and pick a punny name for our signature cocktail. GRETCHEN And we're totally gonna do all that bullshit, but again, supes swamped at wiz-erk. JIMMY Yeah, that's the thing--you know, that's actually fine 'cause, uh, Edgar and I have our notes phoner with the studio today. Because we finished the script. Which I-I told you about already, at which time your reaction was similarly, dishearteningly muted. GRETCHEN Cool, bud. See ya. EDGAR Huh. JIMMY What? EDGAR Oh, nothing. It just doesn't seem like Gretchen's very excited about the wedding. JIMMY Edgar. That's clearly evidenced by not even having time to close the front door. Gretchen is incredibly busy with important work things. JIMMY Hi! EDGAR Hey, everybody. SHEILA Uh, hey, guys. Sheila here. JIMMY Uh, hi, Sheila. We ju--are we just waiting for everyone else, or? SHEILA Uh, we just wanted to say you two did a great job. EDGAR Hey, Sheila, it's Edgar. Uh, we're just a little confused. I-Isn't this a notes call? SHEILA Yeah, it sounds like our wires got crossed. No, we're all set. Again, amazing work. JIMMY So, then the-the next step would be? SHEILA Absolutely. Take care, guys. JIMMY No notes? Boom! EDGAR I don't know, Jimmy. No notes isn't really a thing, remember? I'm gonna call my agent. Oh no. Jimmy. Check Deadline. Hi, Grace? Um, Edgar for Sean. JIMMY The studio's hired Diablo Cody to adapt my book? But, we already wrote it. KILLIAN They probably just kicked you a draft to keep the relationship good while you finish the other two Peach books. Sort of how Tom gets Story By credit on all the Reachers. Oh, guess I haven't seen you in a while, huh? My dad sobered up and found religion for us. Now I get to wear this cool sailor's costume and I live in a room above a GameStop on Sunset with four other children. EDGAR I left word. KILLIAN Hey, you know what I just caught on cable? Jack Reacher. It's really good. You should tell people it's good. Can I count on you to tell people it's good, Jimmy? JIMMY Another great living novelist felled by the studio system. Like F. Scott Fitzgerald or Chuck Palahniuk. How utterly cliché. Well, at least my better half is still gainfully employed. GRETCHEN You got the shit? LINDSAY Why can't I meet you somewhere normal? GRETCHEN Hit me with the hot work goss. LINDSAY Turns out, Mike's cat actually has hemorrhoids. Debbie took a header coming out of the bathroom. GRETCHEN LINDSAY Yvette's still a giant bitch for firing you. GRETCHEN How's Toilet? LINDSAY How would I know? He's great, okay? Gretch, I can't keep doing this. I think these papers you're making me steal may be important. GRETCHEN If they were so important, why are they in the trash? LINDSAY Jimmy's never once looked at your work stuff. Why do you need Caliber papers to make him believe you weren't canned? GRETCHEN I can't let him know I am losing it right before the wedding! I'll tell him after. Divorce is so much paperwork, he'll never get around to that shit. LINDSAY Stupid Yvette. I mean, who fires someone right before their wedding? You know what? I am going to march in there and chew her ass out for you. YVETTE Plus, it's only four episodes, so we can probably watch it all tonight. Ooh. Let's order Thai. LINDSAY Okay. Hey, you know what else we should do? Rehire Gretchen. YVETTE What? LINDSAY Hey, where'd your butt go? YVETTE I understand that Gretchen is your friend, but she royally screwed up. LINDSAY Did she, though? YVETTE She set off a fire alarm to avoid disappointing one of her clients. That is insane. LINDSAY I feel like you're upset. So, what color curry should we get tonight? Yellow? Red? Blue? YVETTE Something came up. LINDSAY Just now? Okay. JIMMY My own creation, ripped from my heaving bosom. No! Edgar, be a dear and answer this, will you? Whoever it is won't stop calling, and I'm far too distressed to synthesize any sort of cogent thought. EDGAR Jimmy's phone, this is Edgar. Uh-huh, hold on. The caterer wants to know if you want red or white quinoa in the farro salad. JIMMY EDGAR We'll get back to you. I'm gonna ask Gretchen. RECEPTIONIST Caliber PR. EDGAR Uh, hi. Gretchen Cutler's office, please? RECEPTIONIST You are hearing this prepared statement because you called for Gretchen Cutler, whose employment was terminated immediately upon the incident on the 12th. If Ms. Cutler has personally injured or assaul- EDGAR I left word. JIMMY VERNON Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. Good girl, okay. Yeah. Sleepy time. Time for sleepys. You get some sleep, okay? Goodnight. TALLULAH VERNON Shh. Hey, you wanna help me find a new apartment? Bec and I talked Paul into springing for a sweet Airbnb. "For the baby." Oops, I'm supposed to do the quotes in my head. LINDSAY I have a secret. VERNON Hell yeah! Love secrets. Lay it on me. LINDSAY I'm a lesbian now. VERNON That's, uh, that's, That's amazing. LINDSAY VERNON I am so honored that you would trust me with this. Come here. LINDSAY Oh. VERNON You outed yourself to the right hombre. I'm sort of a lezbo expert. Not 'cause I'm cranked up by the idea of two ladies smushing their titties and boxes together and whatnots, but on account of my two moms. LINDSAY Your what now? VERNON Me being born dead was mad stressful on my folks. I survived, but their marriage didn't. But it was a stealth blessing 'cause it turns out my mom is super gay. LINDSAY And you turned out like this? VERNON Right. That's why I'm so mad fuckin' sensitive. LINDSAY I like Yvette so much. I've never felt this way about anyone, not even Dave Navarro. Plus, I've never dated a woman, so I don't know if I'm doing any of this right. VERNON Okay. Let's run through your relaish right quick. LINDSAY Oh. VERNON Ah. When was your last hike? LINDSAY Never. VERNON Which Costco do you guys belong to together? LINDSAY None. VERNON Have you seen Fun Home? LINDSAY Huh? VERNON How many flannels do you own? LINDSAY Uh. VERNON Which Subaru have you test-driven? LINDSAY Zero! VERNON How much did you donate to NPR last year? LINDSAY What's NPR? VERNON What's your favorite Tegan and Sara album? LINDSAY Who? VERNON Has she made you a chili? LINDSAY What? VERNON A chili. Beans, meat, a tomato base. A chili, God damn it. LINDSAY We haven't made a chili! VERNON That's it! You need to do something to let her know that you're serious about being a lesbian. GRETCHEN Three, two. TV Wheel of Fortune! GRETCHEN Home just in time for Wheel. Pretty impressive how I have my commute timed so perfectly, huh, Jimbo? Another crazy one at work today. You know Debbie, from accounting? She ate shit coming out of the bathroom. Really fucked herself up. Super funny. Also, Mike's cat's butt exploded. JIMMY Don't you want to know what's wrong? GRETCHEN Of course. JIMMY I was essentially fired off my own movie, only to be rewritten by Diablo Cody. Diablo Cody. GRETCHEN Juno. JIMMY I do know! Ever since, I've been in a depressive spiral. I hope that you can still love me through this. GRETCHEN There, there, bud. It'll be okay. JIMMY You know, I really underestimated the amount of psychic pain that depression can inflict. This really puts your past flair-ups into context. It really does. EDGAR Hey, Gretchen. GRETCHEN Hello there. EDGAR How are you? GRETCHEN So good. Work is b-a-n-a-n-a-s. Debbie from accounting died, so there's a cake for that later. And my assistant Mike's cat has a robot butt. You know, cool work stuff. EDGAR Mm-hmm. All right. See ya. GRETCHEN JIMMY I've done it! I bested my depression. Gretchen, I gazed into the eye of the great void and I said, "Nay, you shan't take me today, void." GRETCHEN JIMMY Sorry for being such a bummer yesterday. It was really quite selfish of me to burden you with my sadness like that. GRETCHEN No worries. JIMMY And now I wholly empathize with your experience of depression. I'm just glad those dark days are behind us. GRETCHEN Anyways, I really gotta get to- JIMMY I am gonna seize this glorious day to take care of manifold wedding tasks. I can't believe we're getting married in four days. GRETCHEN Same. JIMMY I'm also gonna take my tux to get pressed. Would you like me to take your dress, as well? Don't worry, I won't peek at it. GRETCHEN Actually, I don't have one. JIMMY What's that? GRETCHEN No dress, homeboy. I've been busy. Work! Gotta go, so busy. Debbie go boom, cat butt turn for worse. Bye. YVETTE Remind the DA that while Lil' Reba claims in every interview to be moving bricks, she's nine years old. Then leak to The Source that Reba is, quote, “hard as shit and has been flippin' packs since she was six.” Okay. Uh, yes and-Let me call you back. Lindsay, please, I really don't have time for your sh- LINDSAY Ta-da! YVETTE Oh, dear God. LINDSAY I really like you, Yvette. I wanna go hiking to Costco with you and buy chili stuff. Let's make a chili. YVETTE Did you seriously think that putting on some lesbian minstrel show would convince me to what? I don't even know what you want. LINDSAY I want you. YVETTE You're not gay. Not to mention the fact that you had an agenda to get Gretchen hired back. LINDSAY That's not true! We squished boxes before you fired Gretchen. Don't hire her back, I don't care. YVETTE I'm sorry, Lindsay. LINDSAY Okay, you're right. Maybe I am trying hard, but that's because I love you. So quit the bullshit and tell me you love me back or I'll stab you, you fucking cunt. YVETTE You know what? You're fired. LINDSAY You can't fire me! YVETTE There are literal hours of security footage of you stealing confidential documents from the shred bin. LINDSAY You mean the locked trash? YVETTE You also just threatened to stab me. LINDSAY I'm gonna. So, what am I looking at, severance package-wise? Just, a round. Ballpark it for me, it's fine. YVETTE GRETCHEN Yo! You got the pap- LINDSAY No, Gretchen. I don't have your papers. I quit. GRETCHEN What? Why? LINDSAY For you, in solidarity. I thought you'd be happy. GRETCHEN Four days, Lindsay? You couldn't hold on for four goddamn more days? LINDSAY No! This has gone too far. Just tell Jimmy the truth. If someone really loves you, they don't get mad, no matter what you tell them. Here, watch. I've been sleeping with Yvette. And also, I didn't quit, she fired me. See? And I ate her butt. See? No one cares. GRETCHEN Yvette? You were literally sleeping with the enemy! And you're not gay. LINDSAY I thought maybe I was for a second because I'm lost. Jesus. Changed my mind, maybe you shouldn't tell Jimmy. Also, she wasn't the enemy. You actually did screw up pretty bad. You caused, like, a hundred grand worth of water damage to that club. GRETCHEN You sound like a narc. You're a giant narc bitch and I have somewhere to be. Narc. LINDSAY Well, you're a tiny bitch. And I have nowhere to be. And you didn't even say anything about my hair. GRETCHEN It's Paul hair! LINDSAY What are you doing later? GRETCHEN I don't know, call me! EDGAR Um, hi. Uh, my friend's a klepto and I think she just stole a dog. EMPLOYEE What? Oh-No. These doggos are all up for adoption or walking. We're here every week. You know, uh, most people do this for the dogs, but something tells me that chick needs these walks more than the dogs do. Some of the dogs actually get bummed when she shows up. Like, they can smell the desperation and. EDGAR Just give me a dog, man! Make it a real badass one. GRETCHEN You following me, narc? EDGAR I'm worried about you, Gretchen. GRETCHEN Why? I'm doing great. Look how good I am at fetch. EDGAR What were you looking for in the garbage this morning? GRETCHEN Mind your own business, Edgar. EDGAR You made it my business when you started stealing my meds. GRETCHEN Meds you don't use. EDGAR I don't use them because they were messing me up, and they're prescribed to me. Who knows what they're doing to you. GRETCHEN I do! They're making life bearable. Are you insane, monitoring me? My parents did that, and they were my parents, and I rejected them forever for it. You're just you. Like, who the fuck are you, even? Maybe the best thing for everyone would be for you to get the hell out of our lives for good! EDGAR I know you got fired. GRETCHEN Please don't tell Jimmy. EDGAR Jimmy doesn't care about your job. GRETCHEN Edgar. I am begging you. Don't tell Jimmy. He will leave me again, and this time he won't be wrong to do it. EDGAR Gretchen, Jesus. GRETCHEN I was really trying at work. And I still blew it. Even when I try, I fail. I always fail. And I can't fail with Jimmy. I just can't. EDGAR I won't tell him. But don't you think you should be able to? GRETCHEN God damn, homie, work was straight cray again today, but I am so stoked I made it home in time for-- What's up, Jimmy? JIMMY I got you a wedding dress. GRETCHEN What the--, that's exactly the dress I didn't know I needed. How did you- JIMMY Beat it. KILLIAN Can you unzip me, mister? JIMMY Obviously, we'll have it taken in significantly. GRETCHEN Thank you. I got fired. JIMMY Oh. Well, that's okay. GRETCHEN Really? JIMMY Yeah, we'll figure it out. And if not, Edgar can give us homeless advice. GRETCHEN Actually, I got fired, like, two weeks ago. I've just been pretending to go to work like some prideful Japanese businessman. Also, I stopped talking to my therapist, and I've been taking a bunch of random pills. And even though I have literally nothing to do, I just can't bear to bring myself to do a single thing for this wedding. JIMMY Our wedding is gonna be amazing.