ALL BECCA BRUNCH_PEOPLE EDGAR EVERYONE GRETCHEN JIMMY LINDSAY OTHERS PAUL PAUL_F_TOMPKINS VERNON EDGAR BRUNCH PEOPLE EDGAR Ugh, it is so nice to finally have a day off. GRETCHEN It's Sunday. EDGAR Paul F. Tompkins doesn't believe in Sundays. Or doctors appointments. Or bathroom breaks. JIMMY Well, since you have all this free time have you finally read my script? EDGAR Shoot! I'm sorry, Jimmy. I did! And I loved it. You captured the book perfectly. No notes. JIMMY No notes? No. Notes? Thank you, Edgar. Well, I shall just send it in as is, then. Final draft, incoming. LINDSAY Say, Edgar? EDGAR Why, yes, Lindsay? LINDSAY You know what I miss? EDGAR Handwritten letters? Landlines? Light brown M&M's? LINDSAY Sunday Funday. Remember that? EDGAR I sure do, Lindsay! What is this? LINDSAY It looks like a Sunday Funday list. GRETCHEN Nope. We're not doing Sunday Funday. JIMMY We retired it, remember? LINDSAY That's too bad, because it's. LINDSAY Bachelor/Bachelorette Party Sunday Funday! EDGAR Bachelor/Bachelorette Party Sunday Funday! GRETCHEN What? GRETCHEN What do you think, Jim-skillet? JIMMY Sun-day Fun-day. Better than a Monday. GRETCHEN If I see one plastic, novelty penis, I'm shoving you off the bus. LINDSAY Don't worry, Gretch. Only real ones. ALL Surprise! GRETCHEN What the shit? VERNON Whoo! Hell yeah! Party bus bachelor party Sunday Funday! Ooh! VERNON So honored to be included, you guys. Gonna crush it. You'll see, basically. GRETCHEN Where are all my real friends? LINDSAY Which friends? JIMMY How am I supposed to get “buck” with my future ball-and-chain here? GRETCHEN Yeah! EDGAR Check out all the amazing stuff we have planned. First, the oldest tiki bar in the San Fernando Valley! We'll then hop over to crazy Topanga Canyon where real-life hippies will teach us to throw pottery. Then a coastal sundown drive along the water. It's going to be hardcore. GRETCHEN More like hard-snore. JIMMY The only way to make this impending disaster remotely fun now is to immediately get hammered and enjoy what an utter failure Edgar and Lindsay once again prove to be. GRETCHEN Where the hell is all the booze? PAUL I had the privilege of crafting a special microbrew to commemorate the event. Introducing, the Jimmy and Gretchen Strawberry. ALL PAUL Pale Ale!What a laugh. So jolly. LINDSAY This is going to be fun. Trust us. LINDSAY Ooh. PAUL Paul aboard! BECCA ALL LINDSAY A-Ahem. Hello, everybody. Hi. As we get closer to Jimmy and Gretchen's big day, I just want to say how much I look forward to being firmly involved in their lives, then, even more than now.I'm going to be there, is all I'm saying. And now, a song to get this party started! BECCA Just okay. We're doing this right after this, but quickly. I just have a quick. Hello everyone! Hi!Hi. I have a huge announcement. EDGAR English. BECCA Is everyone looking at me? EDGAR English. BECCA Shut up, back there! Okay! Drumroll. LINDSAY Ooh. BECCA I'm going to have another baby! Ahh! What-What?! Bec-ca! Bec-ca! VERNON Seriously? Hey, nerd, it worked! PAUL Oh my - Huzzah! Huzzah!Oh, sorry. Sorry. VERNON Hell yeah! What a miracle. Little baby, growing in there. Gosh, can you believe it's not just cum anymore? PAUL Me? A papa? What responsibility. PAUL One more of these ultra-low ABV bad boys and I'm liable to tell you a little secret. JIMMY Uh, no. PAUL Are you sure? It's quite juicy. JIMMY Paul, I've never been more sure of anything in my life. PAUL Ho, ho! That sounds like a challenge. But you have to swear not to tell anyone. If you do, you'll owe me one thousand dollars. JIMMY Okay, fine. Deal. Just tell me so I can be out of this horrible conversation. PAUL I impregnated Becca. “Direct deposit” method. With my member. JIMMY Well, that is a good secret. PAUL I told you. Ah! Oh, bother. JIMMY Hello, everybody. I have an announcement. BECCA What is it? JIMMY And sent. I feel like we haven't given enough attention to how thrilling it is that Becca is pregnant again. PAUL Jimmy, no! JIMMY But what is so extraordinary about this event, is the method by which it transpired. You see, as it turns out, Paul used “nature's baster.” His willy! He used his willy! Paul put his penis inside Becca and moved it in and out. Party officially set off! VERNON Wh- What?! This is the first I'm hearing of this shocking news. GRETCHEN You guys are so lucky you have us to make your lame-o party awesome. JIMMY GRETCHEN Okay, we're stopping at the liquor store immediately. LINDSAY BECCA I can actually have more than one because most women don't even know they're pregnant at this point. LINDSAY You've done a lot of shitty things to me over the years - dropped me in the laundry chute, made me sleep in the backyard because I breathed too loud - but sleeping with my husband was the lowest, and I'm including that summer you told me I had to drink your pee or I wouldn't get boobs. BECCA Lindsay, I swear to you it was as passionless as sex has ever been. You should know. You married him. GRETCHEN Oh, do I have a booger? JIMMY Let's make a promise. That we'll do this forever. That this, our freest selves, shall e're rule, and that marriage shall not change us in any way. GRETCHEN I don't know. In five years, my freest self might be sober. JIMMY That's not funny. GRETCHEN Who knows what our lives will be? We can make these big declarations but it doesn't mean anything. Or worse, we think it means something so we force ourselves to be this even though that's not who we are anymore. JIMMY But, I am who I am. GRETCHEN I am too. For now. JIMMY What was your favorite part? EDGAR Of what? JIMMY Of the script, man. Come on. Was it the Ramones concert intercut with Neville Chamberlain announcing conscription? Or Kitty's seduction at the hands of the church rector? EDGAR It was all really good, Jimmy. JIMMY Well, that was markedly disappointing. For our next- PAUL F TOMPKINS Well, well, well. Edgar. I thought you had jury duty? EDGAR Oh, um. The guy confessed. Crazy. Uh, Jimmy, this is Paul F. Tompkins. PAUL F TOMPKINS Hey, Jimmy. Any friend of Edgar's. So, what are you guys up to on this glorious Sunday? PAUL F TOMPKINS Howdy, everybody. My name is Paul F. Tompkins and I will be your host for this party. PAUL F TOMPKINS I regret to inform you the old plan died of being lame. LINDSAY Boo! PAUL F TOMPKINS New plan we're going to Las Vegas! PAUL F TOMPKINS Hit it. GRETCHEN Oh. PAUL F TOMPKINS Vegas, we're on our way to Las Vegas We're gonna go where paying for sex is not a crime VERNON Wohoo! PAUL F TOMPKINS I said Vegas We're gonna go where the. JIMMY Hey, buddy. We have a question. What were you doing while another man was having sex with your wife? VERNON Uh. I think I was watching a movie. GRETCHEN Oh. What movie were you watching? JIMMY Was it A Cuckwork Orange? GRETCHEN The Hunt for Red Cucktober? JIMMY Uncle Cuck? The Mighty Cucks? GRETCHEN The Joy Cuck Club? JIMMY Cuckleberry Finn? PAUL F TOMPKINS The Marx Brothers in Cuck Soup? OTHERS JIMMY Good Night and Good Cuck? GRETCHEN One Flew Over The Cuck-oo's Nest? JIMMY Mooncuck? VERNON Ha! Sick burns. So comical. Excuse me a second. ALL VERNON I'm looking real bad in this scenario, nerd. I gotta tell 'em the full, triumphant story. PAUL Vernon, you can't do that. VERNON Hm. What's it worth to you? PAUL Are you on Venmo? VERNON Mm-hmm. EDGAR Howard the Cuck. GRETCHEN This is why we're not allowed to. BECCA No, listen! You all should be ashamed of yourselves. Vernon is a strong, secure man who should be celebrated for his open-mindedness. VERNON Aw, thanks, Bec. BECCA Yeah. And actually, I think the movie he was watching was I Heart Cuckabees! Boom! ALL BECCA Didn't see that coming, did ya, cuck? PAUL F TOMPKINS Hey-oo! PAUL No, no, no, no, no, no! VERNON I was there too, you guys! I was in the room where it happened. PAUL VERNON I was apart of it! I came, too! So hard. We all came at the same time. It was super sexual. I helped his dong back in and then Bec blew harder than she ever blew before. We held hands after. I tried to kill myself, and the sex made me want to stay alive. That's about it - I yield my remaining time. Sunday Funday! PAUL F TOMPKINS Who here's from out-of-town? VERNON ALL PAUL F TOMPKINS So, you picked up a bus driver and invite him into your marriage bed? LINDSAY Oh! BECCA What? No, no. Let me explain. EDGAR I don't trust him, Jimmy. He's got that same look in his eyes he had that day he made me eat all that sour cream. JIMMY Oh, you're just mad that he's making this party actually fun. Now, shush. I want to see who he's going to take the piss out of next. PAUL F TOMPKINS Oh, you two are getting married. ALL GRETCHEN That's right! Whoo! PAUL F TOMPKINS Oh, so great. Now, you know things will change after you get married. GRETCHEN That's right. 'Bout to gain that marriage weight, sucka! ALL PAUL F TOMPKINS So have you two had all the big discussions? GRETCHEN We will. PAUL F TOMPKINS Oh, Will is my handsy uncle. ALL PAUL F TOMPKINS Let's knock some of these out right now. First question if you have a boy, will he be circumcised? JIMMY Yes, everyone calls it a turtle. GRETCHEN No, that's mutilation. PAUL F TOMPKINS Will you raise your child with religion? JIMMY Absolutely not. GRETCHEN Yes. JIMMY Wait, why is everything about children? PAUL F TOMPKINS Next question. Do you want children? JIMMY Probably not. GRETCHEN Absolutely. JIMMY You're not religious. GRETCHEN Yes, I am. I don't talk about it because you'll make me feel dumb. JIMMY And why would you say that we want children? GRETCHEN Because I want them. JIMMY Well, I don't - PAUL F TOMPKINS This feels bad. Is it just me, or does this feel really bad? JIMMY You said you weren't sure. GRETCHEN Well, I changed my mind. And I might change it again. Right now these are my beliefs, but who knows how I'll feel in a couple years? JIMMY Then they're not beliefs. They're whims. PAUL F TOMPKINS Ooh, that is not going to land well. JIMMY He's right, we should make these decisions before we get married. GRETCHEN What's even the point? Any rethinking I might do isn't called “growth” but “weakness” because Jimmy's so goddamn set in his ways. Can't you fucking adjust something for me for once in your life? JIMMY I have changed for you. Guys. Quick, name some of the things I've adjusted for Gretchen. GRETCHEN Ha! See?! You can't name one thing- JIMMY I sucked a dick for you! PAUL F TOMPKINS I'm sorry. I don't think I heard that right. JIMMY Gretchen told me to suck a dick, so I did. I sucked one. LINDSAY I want a guy to suck a dick for me. BECCA It all makes sense now - because of how infrequently he wanted to make love. EDGAR Was I at least on the short list? VERNON I always thought I'd be dope at that on account of how good I am at popsicles. PAUL F TOMPKINS JIMMY Why are we stopping? PAUL ALL Oh! PAUL As far as I can hypothesize, I have an optic yeast infection. It happens to the best home brewers. EDGAR Move. I'll drive. PAUL We've also run out of fuel. ALL EDGAR What? GRETCHEN I don't have any service. BECCA Me neither. EDGAR This was your plan all along, wasn't it? To trap us out here in the desert. PAUL F TOMPKINS I'm simply trying to have fun with this couple who, by the way, clearly shouldn't be getting married. GRETCHEN Hey! EDGAR Don't make fun of my friends. PAUL F TOMPKINS Some group of friends, Edgar. The dick-hungry cum lover whose script you clearly hated. BECCA JIMMY Edgar? EDGAR I'm sorry, Jimmy. I didn't want to hurt your feelings. PAUL F TOMPKINS And the Sad Girl he barely even knows who tricked him into sucking a dick. BECCA PAUL F TOMPKINS Then there's this alcoholic gorgon who boned her sister's ex. BECCA I had her permission. LINDSAY You did not! VERNON Do me! Do me! PAUL F TOMPKINS Then there's her Howdy Doody husband who's too lame to even waste a good insult on. EDGAR All right, that's it. Get off of this bus! ALL Oh! PAUL F TOMPKINS Oh, let me think about it. Um, no. EDGAR Get out. Get out! PAUL F TOMPKINS Watch yourself, Edgar. I can make it so you never work in this town again. EDGAR I don't care. You can be as hard on me as you want, but don't mess with my friends. PAUL F TOMPKINS What are you going to do about it, loser? EDGAR I said get out! EDGAR Is he okay? Is he okay? VERNON I don't know, I'm having a hard time remembering what I'm supposed to do. “R.I.C.E?” What's the I? JIMMY Where the hell are we? PAUL I may have taken a wrong turn when the yeast started to activate. LINDSAY Why did you have to push him? EDGAR This is so bad. You guys don't know him like I do. He is going to ruin my life. LINDSAY What are you doing? EDGAR He's a hostile combatant! JIMMY Oh, stop it! You're acting as irrationally as you did when you decided my screenplay needed work. BECCA Edgar's right. We can't trust this guy. He called me an alcoholic. PAUL What's happening? Who's fallen? EDGAR See? I told you! PAUL F TOMPKINS Wha ? BECCA PAUL F TOMPKINS Edgar? Guys? What's happening? EDGAR Do not listen to him. PAUL F TOMPKINS Edgar? You got to help me. My back really hurts. EDGAR PAUL F TOMPKINS Why did you push me down the stairs? Why are you all standing over me? What are you going to do to me? I'm sorry if I've been hard on you at work, but don't do this. EDGAR Why do you have this? PAUL F TOMPKINS I-I was uncomfortable working with you. I mean, you're a disgruntled employee with PTSD. GRETCHEN He has a point! PAUL F TOMPKINS And then you pushed me down the stairs and then I woke up, and you're all standing over me in the middle of the desert! Agh. GRETCHEN What are we going to do? VERNON I'll take care of him. PAUL F TOMPKINS ALL VERNON It's okay. I'm fine. PAUL Oh my god! What's happening? ALL VERNON I'm so cold. Why can't I stand up? BECCA What did you do?! He's a doctor! PAUL F TOMPKINS He said he was going to take care of me. I-I thought he was coming over to kill me! EDGAR I told you he was a psychopath! PAUL F TOMPKINS Oh god, and now he's dead. Just like all of you are about to be dead. JIMMY What did you say? PAUL F TOMPKINS Oh, nothing. Just, um, spitballing here, but uh, I think maybe now I have to kill all of you. EDGAR You. You. PAUL F TOMPKINS I'm not joking, fuck face. This is actually my dream - you drew first blood. The security camera on this bus will show you pushing me down the stairs. But out here, no camera. Oh yes, from here on out, it's all self-defense. You're first, Edgar. EDGAR No. No! ALL PAUL F TOMPKINS Gah! JIMMY He's okay, right? You're okay, you're okay. PAUL F TOMPKINS JIMMY ALL GRETCHEN Oh my God. PAUL F TOMPKINS JIMMY Breathe. Just breathe. GRETCHEN I am. I'm calm.I - we-we just killed someone! JIMMY Okay. We have to leave. Um Mexico! We have to go to Mexico. GRETCHEN You'd do that? JIMMY As long as we're together. LINDSAY You guys. I can't. I can't – GRETCHEN Calm down. LINDSAY I can't! Gretchen, you have to hold this for me. GRETCHEN What ? VERNON BECCA Shh! EVERYONE Surprise! GRETCHEN What the? JIMMY What is happening? I don't understand. EDGAR Which part? The part where Lindsay and I orchestrated the best bachelor/bachelorette party ever? LINDSAY JIMMY I, uh. Yes. I'm speechless. PAUL F TOMPKINS Bravo, everyone. GRETCHEN Jimmy, is this real life? Yes. JIMMY LINDSAY So, pretty good, huh? GRETCHEN You let us murder someone. JIMMY How did you? EDGAR Well, we knew you'd demand real booze if we had Paul make home brew. PAUL What? But I brewed the ale in good faith, independent of the scheming. EDGAR It led us to where Paul F. Tompkins would be waiting. JIMMY And you, sir. PAUL F TOMPKINS I knew eight years of stage combat would pay off. Plus, I make my own squibs. GRETCHEN Oh. JIMMY So, you and Edgar aren't. PAUL F TOMPKINS Working together anymore? No. So, with this, you are free and you promise not to go to DB Industries' HR department with anymore allegations of alleged abuse. Got to say, that disgusting threesome runner you guys made up? I almost broke like five times. BECCA GRETCHEN Oh. We're not leaving you behind, calm the fuck down. JIMMY What? GRETCHEN Mexico? I thought you hated change. JIMMY I suppose there might be some circumstances in life that do change things. Like, murder. GRETCHEN Or kids. JIMMY Right, or murder. LINDSAY Congrats on knocking up my big sister, you stud. PAUL I heartily apologize. LINDSAY It's okay. Sister fucker. PAUL LINDSAY Ew, you made my sister come. Ew. PAUL No. Don't make me laugh. Tears will feed the yeast. LINDSAY EDGAR So. Hardcore? JIMMY Oh. Hardcore. EDGAR JIMMY One plot hole. EDGAR Hmm? JIMMY How did you know we'd shoot him? EDGAR Ah, we didn't know for sure. But you did. You killed him to save me. JIMMY Ultimate bad boy move, huh? EDGAR Yeah. JIMMY Wait - where'd you get the gun? EDGAR Oh. Your dad bought it when he came to visit, remember? JIMMY You've had a gun in your room since then? EDGAR Mm-hmm. JIMMY Wow. I've called you some truly awful things this past year, you could've just ended it all. EDGAR Well, yeah, I mean. JIMMY The constant naysaying, the endless cooking and cleaning, the irrational subservience. With a simple twitch of your finger the misery could have ceased forever. And still you chose not to kill yourself. Bravo, Edgar. EDGAR Hey, I'm sorry about the script, Jimmy. But you can't turn it in. JIMMY I suspected it wasn't very good. Will you help me fix it? EDGAR Yeah. JIMMY I'll call the studio. Say you're consulting. EDGAR Cowriting. JIMMY Fine. Just promise you'll never lie to me again? EDGAR I promise. Gretchen's been stealing meds from my medicine cabinet. A ton of them. For weeks now. JIMMY So what? She loves pills. EDGAR No. This is the serious stuff. And I don't think it's for fun this time. GRETCHEN Remember when I shot. PAUL F TOMPKINS Yeah, I do, yeah.