BECCA BOY CONTINUED GILMARTIN GRETCHEN JIMMY KID KIDS NURSE_1 NURSE_2 NURSE_3 PAUL PEOPLE RANDALL SWEET_LITTLE_GIRL TEA_LEONI VERNON KIDS RANDALL When I saw the images from the Eagle Nebula, my god, Leonard. Swirling, almost pulsating elephant trunks of dust and gas 700 light-years away. Oh. GILMARTIN The Pillars of Creation. Spitzer observed a cloud of supernova shock waves, suggesting the pillars Hubble had just photographed may have actually been destroyed 6,000 years ago. Oh, what better captures both the pathetic insignificance of humanity, and our own tragic nobility, than to fall in love with the ghost of something we had no chance of ever knowing in the first place. Ah. VERNON What up, space nerds? GILMARTIN You must be Paul's family. Welcome. BECCA Oh. Thank you. Okay! GILMARTIN Paul forgot to mention how ravishing you are. BECCA Oh, well, thank you. GILMARTIN And Vernon. Paul described you pretty accurately. VERNON Thanks. GILMARTIN I'm Leonard Gilmartin, but please, call me Gilly. Everyone does. BECCA Oh. VERNON Copy that, Gillbo. GILMARTIN Just Gilly. I'm the president of the Pasadena Astronomy Society. BECCA VERNON I won an auction on Eebs for these. A hundred bones for a set of four. A bit pricey, but as a surgeon, I know how important it is to be able to see good. GILMARTIN Oh, fabulous. Of course, you know it's a lunar eclipse. VERNON Agree to disagree. BECCA PAUL Oh joy! You made it! GILMARTIN Oh good, I'll let you show them to their room. BECCA Wow, Paul. This place is trés classy. VERNON Yeah, it's like we're getting to crash at a Pier 1 Imports. Or something not quite as fancy but still good, like a CB2. PAUL I'm so glad you guys came. I look forward to the once-a-year family weekend here at Gilly's more than just about anything. Aside from the McRib. What is it about that sandwich that haunts me so? Where's Tallulah? VERNON Becca asked Lindsay to watch her while we were away. BECCA You said you were going to ask her. VERNON Oh. Right. I did. And she said yes. BECCA Oh. VERNON So, that's all set. BECCA Oh. VERNON I gotta shoot off a text real quick, unrelated. PAUL Follow me to your quarters. BECCA BECCA Blankets and pillows. Ka-ching. PAUL And I'm right next door. We share a bathroom. VERNON Gross. PAUL I'll let you two settle in. I'm supposed to help some of the little ones make a "moon cake." It's actually a sponge cake with powdered sugar. Shh. BECCA VERNON We play our cards right, Bec, I think we can milk this con into a European vacay. BECCA Ew. Paul probably wants us to do the insemination during the eclipse, like a freaky. VERNON For sure. What a dingus. BECCA Ugh. VERNON I bet I can make my own sandwich here. Like, they'll probably have one of those fancy sandwich bars with all the fixins. Can you imagine, Bec? Me with fixins? I can't even picture it. PAUL Come on. Sport with us. Tally ho! BECCA Get it, honey. That's out. VERNON Yeah! Nice serve, buddy. BECCA Opening. BECCA Come and get me, Vern. VERNON God! Shitballs. VERNON Fixins. PAUL I just want to address something so that there isn't any dark cumulonimbus sullying this weekend. I've been doing some soul-searching and I think we should press pause on the insemination protocol. BECCA But, we're making progress. I-I feel us getting closer with every attempt. VERNON Come on. Let's give it one more shot when the moon eats the sun or whatever the frig. PAUL The truth is our primitive insemination technique, combined with Rebecca's geriatric womb, has me convinced success is improbable. BECCA Did you just call my womb geriatric? VERNON Primitive technique? PAUL Sometimes, it's just harder for women of your advanced age. BECCA We faked it! PAUL What do you mean? VERNON Nothing! She doesn't mean anything. I think her geriatric womb has spread to her brain. BECCA We've never put any of your semen into my vagina. We've only been pretending in order to string you along and make more money. My womb works. It works like gangbusters, mister. PAUL W-what did you do with my? VERNON Your gunk? I squirted it out the window. But, if it makes you feel any better, the ficus in Lindsay's alley has grown, like, a foot. BECCA This time, we'll actually do it. And we'll bake you up a bouncing baby in no time. Come on. There were mistakes made on both sides. On both sides. PAUL Now that the the cold, hard truth is coming out. I've already lined up another surrogate. She's 24, is getting her masters, and was a Division One fencing champion. And the best part? She's not a no good, rotten liar! VERNON You're cheating on us? Dude, this is a lot to take in right now. We trusted you! GILMARTIN Calling all stargazers! Lunch is ready. PEOPLE BOY The Mayans believed that during an eclipse, jaguars would come out of the earth and eat the pale people. Pale people like you. VERNON At least my little dick's not hanging out of my shorts. Ha! Stupid. Mmm. BECCA I'm actually glad you found that 24-year-old. She sounds great. Just be careful, though. It can be complicated for a woman, especially a young one without children. Once you see that baby, it's hard not to be attached. PAUL I see what you're trying to do. Our trust has been irrevocably shattered, Becca. It's over. BECCA I know we betrayed you, but when it came down to it, that has never really seemed like the right way to create a life. The bathroom. The cold baster. Vernon. I mean, what if we eliminated the intermediary device? PAUL Are you suggesting that you and I? BECCA Yes. I am. VERNON Give us that cum, bro! We'll do it for real this time, we promise. PAUL What is wrong with you two? She offers to have sex with me and then you try to intimidate me? I don't know what type of reindeer games you're playing, but I don't want to join in. Not in any of them! BECCA Great job, turd. I was this close to getting our fish back on the line. VERNON By offering him your bod? BECCA You got greedy, and now our golden goose thinks my eggs have expired! VERNON Don't blame this on me, you were enjoying the scam just as much as I was. You said you felt like Annette Bening in The Grifters. BECCA You're the one that blew up our lives and put us in this situation in the first place! You didn't just nick an artery. You nicked any chance of us being happy again. VERNON You were always a bitch, but you just got mean, Bec. Why'd you even marry me in the first place? I could be married to Téa Leoni! BECCA You were in line with her at Jamba Juice. One time! VERNON We shared a moment! She said, "cool jacket." Who knows where it could have gone? But instead, I ended up with a blackhearted witch who wants nothing to do with me! BECCA I only married you because you were a doctor and I wanted to make Jimmy jealous, but you even ruined that by becoming a giant, worthless zero! VERNON What? SWEET LITTLE GIRL Do you want to play a game with me? VERNON Yeah, okay, but no pussing out when I stomp you. I'm an adult grown-up. That means some shit. This game? Are you even for real right now? SWEET LITTLE GIRL Mm-hmm. VERNON Look at you. You're just a chill little dude who hasn't been kicked in the nards by life yet, but you will. One day, when you're least expecting it. Blam! One second, you're the envy of all the other docs 'cause you got a hot wife, vanity plates, two Apple watches and a podcast in the top three-hundy on Stitcher. And the next thing you know, everything's taken away because your scalpel accidentally sliced open a woman's. SWEET LITTLE GIRL VERNON juice box. So, you quit. End of story. Deal the things. SWEET LITTLE GIRL Ooh, I got "chip on shoulder." VERNON Oh. SWEET LITTLE GIRL VERNON "Brain freeze." No prob. Damn it! SWEET LITTLE GIRL My turn. VERNON What? Nah, come on. Let me get these brain shits out. SWEET LITTLE GIRL But it buzzed. VERNON Shit's rigged, let me go again! You're being awful. SWEET LITTLE GIRL But it's my turn! VERNON Getting the brains! I'm getting the brains. SWEET LITTLE GIRL No. But it's my turn! VERNON I'm getting the brains. I am a grown-up! PEOPLE KIDS BECCA Oops. If you already had that 24-year-old lined up, why'd you ask us to come for the weekend? PAUL You were the only people I wanted to share this weekend with. I thought we were family. BECCA I'm sorry, Paul. PAUL Here. Let me recalibrate it for you. BECCA You know, at the end of the day, it's probably for the best. I mean, if I had your baby, we'd probably end up on Jerry Springer. "Woman pregnant with sister's ex-husband's child." Also, you divorced Lindsay for a reason. Not to then have her in your life forever. PAUL You're right. This probably is for the best. VERNON NURSE 1 Doctor. What did you do? NURSE 2 in here, can you hear me? NURSE 3 We're losing her! NURSE 1 Doctor. Doctor Barbara! Dear god! BECCA Giant, worthless zero. I wish I never married you. Just to make Jimmy jealous. TEA LEONI Hey, cool jacket. I'm Téa Leoni. I'm Téa Leoni. Cool jacket. So sexy. BECCA Is that really Mercury? PAUL Believe it or not, it's actually one of the few planets that's easier to see in daylight. Want to see the stunning siren herself, Venus? There she is. BECCA All right, let me see, I wanna see. PAUL BECCA PAUL Here. Amazing. You have the same antihelical folds as Lindsay. BECCA How would you know that? PAUL No. It's your ears. BECCA PAUL Right-right here. BECCA PAUL Let me show you its terrestrial functions. BECCA Mm. PAUL We actually have a fighting chance of seeing your house from here. I mean, former house. I think I just saw I've got to go. BECCA PAUL Vernon! VERNON Nerd! PAUL Good lord, what did you do? VERNON I threw this heavy-ass rock in, but then changed my mind at the last sec, so now I'm doing this, which sucks. Help me! PAUL VERNON If I don't make it, I need you to do me a favor. PAUL You're going to make it. VERNON Listen. It's for Becca and Tallulah. I want them to know I was a good man.Which is why I need you to delete my browser history. And all my bookmarks. And my Dropbox. Maybe burn the laptop. PAUL Huh? VERNON Please, Paul! First thing, maybe even before you call 911. PAUL Pull harder. VERNON Thanks for saving my life. Fam. That really should have been easier for you. I'll hook you up with some Joe Rogan supplements. Family discount. VERNON You're right. I'm worthless. I thought, at least if I was dead, then you'd get the life insurance money. But then I 'membered I never switched the auto-pay to the new card after I left the old one at that churro stand at Six Flags. Also, the new card woulda bounced on account of we're broke. So, I guess I'm worthless, dead or alive. BECCA You're worth something to me. I'm so pathetic. Being pregnant is the only time I've ever really felt special. I mean, since I stopped playing Clarissa on the Nickelodeon cruise. VERNON You're always special. Even when you're being a huge bitch. BECCA Aw. VERNON Remember before, when you said that thing about only wanting to get knocked up because it made you feel special? Well, if we're keeping it 100, I was stalling. Yeah, at first just for the money, but then I realized the idea of you being preggers with someone else's kiddo kinda made me feel like not a man or whatnot. Anyjunk, feelings are stupid. BECCA Vernon, the fact that you were even open to the idea in the first place just shows how confident and secure you are. And that's really sexy. KIDS VERNON Sexy, huh? BECCA Very. KID Here. BECCA Aw. VERNON Things are going to get better for us, just you wait. Once I get funding for my Korean medical food truck, everything's going to be coming up Vernon. And Becca. And Tallulah. Shit. BECCA Well, I believe in you, honey. I mean, I have to. VERNON Ow! Shitballs. BECCA Ooh! Aw, poor baby. Here. Mm. KID One hour to the eclipse! I repeat, one hour to the ecl- GILMARTIN Ladies and gentlemen. Boys and girls. This is the moment we've all been waiting for. Are you ready? PEOPLE Yeah! Yes! GILMARTIN Well then, look to the skies! PEOPLE BECCA GILMARTIN Yes! Amazing! Brilliant! GILMARTIN Eclipses never fail to cast their magic spells, do they? PAUL Indeed they do not. GILMARTIN Please, have a seat. Did your guests enjoy themselves? PAUL I think so. It's complicated. GILMARTIN Oh. It must be nice to have family. It's always just been me and the cosmos. And the prostitutes. PAUL Well, I've come to understand that the main attraction of having Becca as my surrogate was so, in some small way, my marriage wouldn't have been a total waste. GILMARTIN Well, there is no waste in the universe. When something comes to an end, be it a galactic age, a star or a weekend away, it is simultaneously the beginning of something else. Loss can be hard, but you might be mourning something that was never actually there in the first place. Yes, maybe this idea you had of making a new family slipped through your fingers, but perhaps there's something else already there you've failed to see. CONTINUED to see. PAUL BECCA Ooh! VERNON BECCA VERNON BECCA Yeah. Oh, there. Mm. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Oh. Mm. Oh. Mm. VERNON PAUL BECCA Ooh. PAUL PAUL Uhp. BECCA PAUL Uhp. Uh. BECCA PAUL Um. VERNON I got you, bro. PAUL Oh. VERNON Oh, this is really happening. BECCA Oh! VERNON Oh yeah. VERNON Oh.Epic! GRETCHEN Did you know there was an eclipse last night? JIMMY No, who cares? GRETCHEN I don't know. Dipshits like. Oh, shit. I conjured them. PAUL Hey, guys. JIMMY What are you doing in our diner? BECCA Your diner? I didn't know you'd gotten into the restaurant business, Jimmy. VERNON We're just getting b-fast. Nothing weird about that. So don't try to make it weird, okay? GRETCHEN Okay, well, great bumping into you. Not.