BAKER GRETCHEN JIMMY LINDSAY MAN QUINN RACHEL GRETCHEN How're you feeling? LINDSAY Good. You sure you're okay he's coming? GRETCHEN I'm not angry anymore. I think it might even be good to see him. LINDSAY Good. JIMMY What's your end-of-life plan? GRETCHEN Easy, toss me off something. JIMMY Huh? GRETCHEN I want to know how it feels to fly. JIMMY Oh. GRETCHEN Ooh, or sex-murder me. Yeah, scratch that. Sex-murder me for sure. I'll be on Nancy Grace 24/7, a nation will mourn. Don't let Rob Howard's daughter play me in the movie. We have beef. JIMMY I want to be cremated with my ashes kept for eternity in an urn on your mantle. You may remarry, just no one sexier than me. The one exception being Mark Ruffalo. GRETCHEN Fair enough. JIMMY Mm. GRETCHEN Actually, I'm pretty tired. JIMMY Oh Okay. It's just that. We've-we've sort of created an expectation where we do sex whenever one of us wants it. GRETCHEN And yet I'm still tired. JIMMY Are you mad about the florist? GRETCHEN I'm fine. JIMMY I want to make it up to you. GRETCHEN Don't bother. You can't. JIMMY Now how can we make it even? Do you want to sock me in the face? I'm extra bruise-y so you'll get to relish the effects for weeks. GRETCHEN There's nothing you can do about getting your dick sucked. JIMMY I could suck a dick.To even it out. You know, like those "take-a-penny-leave-a-penny" cups. Make it a zero-blow job sum gain for me. GRETCHEN Sound fair. You do that. Suck a dick, Jimmy. JIMMY GRETCHEN No, I'm serious. Suck a dick. Suck a dick! Alternately just let me be mad. BAKER Next, we have examples of our most popular fillings. Uh, Butterscotch-Cream Cheese, Almond Ganache, Lemon Curd, Earl Grey Medley, Apricot Jam, Kiwi-Pistachio Buttercream. JIMMY Hey, you wouldn't think kiwi and pistachio would go well together, and yet, they don't. RACHEL So, when's the big day? GRETCHEN June 9. RACHEL Hmm. Six-nine. QUINN Sex number. RACHEL Nice. GRETCHEN They get it. What about you? RACHEL We're already married. Shh. QUINN We got totally caught up in the hype and spent way too much money on our wedding. RACHEL Our ring bearer was an actual bear. QUINN Deep-sixed our finances for years. RACHEL So we stick it to the wedding industrial complex whenever we can. It feel so good. QUINN Yeah. Rachel has a personality disorder. RACHEL I shoplift. I mean, I used to. So scamming free cakes or menu tastings really scratches the itch. It's our third tasting of the day. Quinn is in AA. QUINN Micro-transgressions make drinking fucking seltzer water tolerable. RACHEL GRETCHEN I love shoplifting! I basically stole this whole outfit, and Jimmy's a total alcoholic. JIMMY Hmm? QUINN Hey, if you guys want our help gaming the system, we could save you a buck or two. GRETCHEN We have low to no morals, so we would be totally up for that. RACHEL Great. QUINN Oh. BAKER Oh. QUINN Hi. BAKER Hi. RACHEL Yeah. GRETCHEN Jimmy! We're gonna have couple friends! JIMMY The hardest of passes. GRETCHEN Couple friends, Jimmy. All married people need couple friends. It's a must-have. Couple friends! JIMMY Stop saying couple friends. We are not going to have- GRETCHEN Couple friends! RACHEL Couple friends! QUINN Couple friends! RACHEL Thank you so much for having us over, you guys. GRETCHEN Oh, we love wine hangs on the patio. JIMMY We have never done this once. QUINN Why not? You have a gorgeous view. JIMMY We do? GRETCHEN Do we? Hmm. RACHEL Here is our wedding binder. The orange tabs are the easiest places to scam. Purple means you can get actual cash out of them. GRETCHEN Dj's, photographers, flowers. We may actually be in the market for a new florist. Right, Jimmy? RACHEL Okay, venues. GRETCHEN Very cool. QUINN I'm glad we could do this. Hey, how are you guys? JIMMY Shh. QUINN Oh, they can't hear us. We're not really even here anymore. Watch. I don't believe in the Holocaust. RACHEL So, example- GRETCHEN I like that you can smoke there. JIMMY Huh. Huh. Let me try. Um, Gretchen, you eat your butt and farts from your butt. Oh. RACHEL is big on the contour, so you got to just tell her, like, not. JIMMY So, why'd you ask about me and Gretchen? QUINN Oh, well, planning a wedding can be stressful. Also, because of the little thing with the florist.Rachel and Gretchen have been texting. JIMMY So I gather privacy goes out the window with couple friends? QUINN Jimmy, you have no secrets anymore. JIMMY Fantastic. QUINN But, seriously, if you ever need someone to listen, I'm here. JIMMY Okay, Michael Mesner, sociologist and proponent of more emotional elasticity in traditional masculine roles. QUINN I know, I know. I'm a big ol' softy. AA will do that to you. Never stop drinking, Jimmy. It's horrible. Man, I would love to come out here and fly my drone over the reservoir sometime. JIMMY Oh, I have a drone, too! Well, had. They really should put a "Return Home" button on the controls. QUINN They do. JIMMY Oh. What do you know? QUINN Mm-hmm. JIMMY So, um, what did Gretchen tell Rachel about the, uh you know, the time I let someone else fly my drone? Was she upset about the flight? Because she's been cagey about it. QUINN Well, how would you feel if someone flew her drone? RACHEL So this place, these are the photographers. GRETCHEN They're so cool. Do you think she likes me? I think she likes me. Why are you quiet? Does she not like me? Goddamn it! JIMMY Of course she did. Who wouldn't like you? So you talked to Rachel about it? GRETCHEN About what? JIMMY It. The florist thing. Yet you won't talk to me about it. GRETCHEN No. JIMMY But you talked to Rachel about it. GRETCHEN We're friends. JIMMY She told Quinn. GRETCHEN They're married. JIMMY And Quinn told me she told him. GRETCHEN Seems like you've cracked the case of who knows what, Dr. Doolittle. JIMMY Dr. Doolittle talked to animals. GRETCHEN Dr. House. You should be happy for me getting a female friend! I get nervous just texting her because I just know I'm gonna say something that will make her hate me. So yes, I opened up to her! Like girls are supposed to do, and it's actually working. So you should be goddamn happy for me! JIMMY Hey. Are you okay? Do you need to up your medication dosage maybe? GRETCHEN You got a blowjob from a vendor for our wedding. JIMMY Okay. Then let's talk about it. GRETCHEN No. I told you. Suck a dick, or leave me alone about it. JIMMY Okay, but really, what can I do? GRETCHEN I am dead serious. You were right. That's the only way to make things even. Put a dick in your mouth and suck on it. Let me know when you've done that. RACHEL Hey. GRETCHEN Hi, girl! RACHEL Come in. GRETCHEN Dope place. RACHEL Thanks. It's a flip. GRETCHEN Well, I am flipping for it. Cookies! RACHEL Thanks! Such a good idea to do solo hangs. GRETCHEN I know, couple friends solo style. Also, I can't be around Jimmy right now. RACHEL Ugh. Still? GRETCHEN I don't know. It's not his fault. RACHEL Getting his dick sucked isn't his fault? GRETCHEN No, that was. Totally. That was scummy. I just mean that's not, like, all of it, you know. Anyways let's talk about literally anything else. RACHEL Um Rhubarb. Homemade soap. Feminist porn. The gig economy. GRETCHEN Bowling. Costa Rica. Doughnuts. RACHEL Alcohol? GRETCHEN Ladybugs. RACHEL No, I'm asking, do you want some alcohol? GRETCHEN Oh, God, yes. RACHEL I hope we didn't force this solo hang on the boys. You think they like each other as much as we do? GRETCHEN Impossible. JIMMY Why in God's name did I put it out there? I know Gretchen. That was very foolish. She made me taste my own ejaculate. QUINN Yeah, I heard about that. JIMMY Of course you did. QUINN You were just making a joke, right? JIMMY Yes! Well, not a joke precisely. I was presenting the obvious logical equivalent. I didn't think she'd latch onto it. Did you know she hasn't spoken to me since? Wait, am I even supposed to tell you this? I don't know the rules. QUINN I'm sorry, Jimmy. This is a tough one. I mean, you could just wait her out? JIMMY Do you know how disconcerting it is to live with someone who will not talk to you? I just keep pretending I'm Harvey Keitel in The Piano and Gretchen is a fetching mute. QUINN You could, you know do it. JIMMY What? No. No. No, I can't- I couldn't- I can't-I can't do that. QUINN I know. But, I mean, it is just skin. JIMMY Attached to a disgusting, hairy, male man. Wait, you haven't ever? QUINN No. I mean, maybe. I used to black out a lot. But, look, it's not that big a deal. It might even be interesting, experientially speaking. JIMMY I do enjoy new experiences. QUINN Uh-huh. JIMMY Though generally ones with less immediate proximity to testicles. QUINN Mm-hmm. JIMMY No, look, even if I could S a D, where would I find the D to S? QUINN Uh, dating app. My brother uses this one all the time. He lets me help him pick dudes. And you can basically order anything. It's like Postmates for penis. Check it out. You could see what each guy is down for right here. Here's one. This guy is willing to host and is looking for oral ASAP. JIMMY Well, he looks pleasant enough. QUINN Mm-hmm. JIMMY Like a small town veterinarian. QUINN Yeah. JIMMY Or the first soldier to die in a war movie. Yeah. QUINN Yes. Let's make your profile. JIMMY Oh. Okay, uh wait, wait. Um. QUINN Very nice. Now look like a rough boy. JIMMY Oh, okay. QUINN Yeah. Mm, maybe go back to the duck lips. Just a little aggressive. There we go. RACHEL You can't help but to start to imagine this entire personality and childhood and college essays for this thing that's living inside of you, even though you know you're not supposed to. GRETCHEN How can you help it? RACHEL Anyway, so that was hard to get over. I'm not sure I am yet. I know I'm gun-shy to try again. GRETCHEN Right. Totally. RACHEL So how about you? GRETCHEN Oh, yeah, no. Nothing like that. I cut myself trying to trim my pubes once, so I get it. RACHEL I mean, you guys want children? GRETCHEN Oh, uh. Shit. Babies? I don't know. I like them when they're dressed up like animals, but I don't yet totally know if I. RACHEL You don't know if you want to be a mom? Totally normal. GRETCHEN Oh, no, I want it. I was gonna say should. I don't know if I should be a. RACHEL Do you want to do you want me to put on some music? GRETCHEN I have a mental thing. Uh whatchamacallit. Clinical depression. RACHEL Sorry. GRETCHEN No, sorry. I'm sorry. Um, I'm just flinchy. I want a hug. RACHEL It's okay. GRETCHEN Hey, in fact, let's hug as soon as I go pee pee in your toilet. Then we're gonna hug like motherfuckers. QUINN He says his door is unlocked. It's go time. You got this. JIMMY Easy peasy. QUINN Yeah. Mouthwash, gun, anti-bacterial wipes. Stash it in a bush. Remember this is for your lady. It's just skin. You got this! JIMMY Hello. MAN Hello. JIMMY Oh. There you are. You got a lovely, lovely house. Books. Very nice. I don't know this neighborhood. Seems to have a high walkability rating. MAN Shh. Take off your shirt. JIMMY Ah, okay. Just like that. Decisive. Good on you, mate. I'm a little nervous, you see, this is my- MAN Can you stop talking? JIMMY Right. Yeah. Okay, okay. Silencio por favor. I just-I just get out it, then. MAN Um. Could you make it a little sexy? JIMMY Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Well, I plan to. Oh, yeah, that's lovely. Oh, you like that? You like that? See, I do not work out in a traditional sense, but I have a top notch calisthenics routine. Yeah. The name of which is derived from Callisthenes of Olynthus. Fun fact, Aristotle was his great uncle. Now, you might wonder- QUINN That was quick. How'd it go? JIMMY He disinvited me. QUINN What? Why? JIMMY He accused me of being a closeted virgin. Then I sort of lunged at him awkwardly and fell into his leg, knocked over a picture puzzle he'd been working on. He was livid. I mean, his attitude at the end was a real turn-off. QUINN He gave you zero eggplants. JIMMY Zero? How dare he? Well, in retaliation, I shall give him- QUINN Oh, you can't. He blocked you. Where's your shirt? JIMMY Hmm? RACHEL What are you doing? GRETCHEN Nothing. I was just seeing if you had a cat. Do you have a cat? Because I couldn't find one. Oh, the comb. I was thinking of getting one of these, and I wanted to know if it could fit in my bra. Why, are you accusing me of stealing? That is really messed up of you, Rachel. Projecting much? RACHEL GRETCHEN What? Why are you laughing at me? RACHEL This is my absolute favorite part of a new friendship. When the real comes out. Listen, Gretchen. Here's how it is with me. I don't let just anyone in. But I don't lose people, so once you're in, you're in for life. GRETCHEN RACHEL But, seriously, I am gonna need my grandmother's comb back. GRETCHEN QUINN What are you gonna do? JIMMY Eh. Just live a sexless existence next to a prickly, mute, redheaded ball of anger and recrimination until she eventually leaves me, or enact some far worse revenge gleaned from countless hours spent watching Snapped, in which women finally, you know, snap. QUINN Fuck this. You can't give up. Let's go to the West Hollywood bars. I'll wingman you. JIMMY Oh, forget it. I clearly can't S a stranger's D. I'd have to at least be comfortable with the guy. QUINN JIMMY I did it. GRETCHEN Did what? JIMMY The thing you told me to do. I did it. I did the thing. I did it. GRETCHEN Jimmy. Wait. Whoa, what? Jimmy. Jimmy? Jimmy. Oh, what are you-? What? Who? JIMMY Quinn. GRETCHEN What? What? What is happening? Oh, my God! You. Jimmy!What the actual fuck? Oh, my God! You, you sucked a dick for me. JIMMY I say "essed a dee." It's classier. GRETCHEN Wait. Oh, no. But Rachel-? JIMMY Oh, no, no. It's fine. He called her right before he left. She thought it was hilarious. GRETCHEN Really? Seriously? Phew. Okay, then. JIMMY So we're good? GRETCHEN Yes, Jimmy. We're good. I mean, I was just trying to get you off my back. JIMMY What? GRETCHEN Nothing. You did it for me. Mm. I love you for that. By the way, they're coming over for dinner tomorrow night. Try not to drop your fork and accidentally suck his dick again. QUINN To making connections. TO the serendipity of meeting you guys at that cake tasting, and to always being open to new experiences. RACHEL To letting people in. And to the lengths our husbands will go to make us happy. JIMMY Oh, well. If it was good enough for Oscar Wilde, and Tennessee Williams, and Truman Capote, and James Baldwin. Okay, most of my favorite male writers, actually. QUINN To friends for life. JIMMY For life! RACHEL For life! RACHEL I don't let just anyone in. But I don't lose people. Once you're in, you're in for life. JIMMY For life! For life! For life! QUINN For life! For life! For life! RACHEL For life! For life! For life! RACHEL You're in for life. GRETCHEN Jimmy, what are you guys talking about? JIMMY What? RACHEL The blowjob. QUINN Gretchen, the, uh Jimmy? RACHEL You did know about the GRETCHEN Blowjob? You didn't put your- you had his- your mouth, Jimmy? JIMMY What are you doing? QUINN Wait, you didn't tell her? RACHEL Gretchen, it's not a big deal. It was all for. Wait. JIMMY Gretchen! GRETCHEN Not one more word! RACHEL I thought you told me that she wanted him to. GRETCHEN You thought I wanted my husband to suck your husband's dick? QUINN That's what he told me. That's what he told me. That's what you- What the fuck, Jimmy? RACHEL Oh, my God. JIMMY No! No, no, no, no. I d- I didn't want to. Gretchen, tell her. Tell her. QUINN Did you make up that she said that just to get me to let you do that? GRETCHEN Why would I say that?! I think you guys should go! RACHEL Yes, I think we should. JIMMY What the hell was that? GRETCHEN Eh, she was too much for me. Anyways, all this talk of BJs. I need it now. JIMMY Well, okay.