ASSISTANT CHARLES EDGAR GRETCHEN HONEY_NUTZ_2 HOT_FANGIRL JIMMY LINDSAY NOCK_NOCK PROSTITUTE SAM SHITSTAIN JIMMY JIMMY It's absolutely remarkable; I've never seen anything like this. GRETCHEN It should be impossible, but we've tried every option. Paul ruins every single table. JIMMY There aren't enough borings for a boring table. I mean, we could put him at the outsiders table and they'll forget how boring he is. GRETCHEN I don't want him at my wedding. Why can't he just go to another wedding? JIMMY Gretchen, put down the Paul. This is insane. We deserve a break from the mind-numbing drudgery of wedding planning. Something fun. GRETCHEN Mailbox baseball in Beverly Hills? Shrooms at the Museum of Tolerance. Egging golfers as Griffith Park? JIMMY No. Even better. Fuck week. GRETCHEN Fuck week? JIMMY Fuck week. For a week, we can sleep with whomever we like. GRETCHEN In. JIMMY You know, to get it out of our systems. GRETCHEN Got it. I'm in. JIMMY Oh. Well, wonderful. GRETCHEN Ground rules. Safety is mandatory, otherwise, no limits. Location, anywhere but here and the Cheesecake Factory bathroom. That's ours. 201 next Sunday, it ends. JIMMY Have you done this before? GRETCHEN Good? JIMMY Fuck week? GRETCHEN Fuck week. LINDSAY Oh! Gretch. I have a sitch with Sam and the guys. GRETCHEN Just leak Sam's tuck shots. That should buy you a couple weeks. LINDSAY They want me to publicize their new track but it's really bad. Like, Vietnam bad. Wait, was Vietnam bad? GRETCHEN Listen, I just really don't have time to hold your hand through this one. Jimmy proposed that we have sex with other people for the week! LINDSAY Oh! Oh, my God! Gretch--Let's go day-dicking like we used to. We'll go to Barney's Beanery, the Museum of Tolerance, Trader Joe's on La Brea. GRETCHEN That's the one with all the hip fuckdads. LINDSAY And Runyon Canyon for fit dick. ASSISTANT Mrs. Cutler? Nock Nock is here. GRETCHEN Send him in. And, by the way, Mrs. Cutler is my bitch mom. ASSISTANT GRETCHEN I have a quick signing meeting. Let me make this kid's day. Then you and I can head down to dick island. LINDSAY 200PM, Runyon Canyon, by the dog water fountain. And remember, Gretch. Guys with golden retrievers eat pussy. GRETCHEN Nock Nock, hi. I'm Gretchen. So nice to meet you. Have a seat. I'll just jump right in. Here at caliber we do PR and brand management for some of the biggest artists worldwide. And we want to work with you. Congratulations. NOCK NOCK Okay. GRETCHEN Everyone will know your name. How did you get your name, by the way? NOCK NOCK Been hearing it my whole life. GRETCHEN Knock-knock jokes? NOCK NOCK Nah. We didn't have a doorbell. Or a door. GRETCHEN Okay. Uh, should we make this offic'? NOCK NOCK Cool. I'll take a look at that when I hear your full pitch. Strategy, targets, concept art. GRETCHEN Of course. Sure. My full pitch. Great. We'll set something up. Fu. JIMMY Well, this is an incongruous costume for you, person who cares about work. GRETCHEN This signing should be a layup, but no. The hillbilly marathoned Shark Tank and now he knows what a pitch is. Now that Yvette made me care about my job, I have to land him and I hate it. JIMMY Oh. Booty text? GRETCHEN It's Sam. He's pissed he hasn't heard their song on the radio yet. JIMMY Huh. Oh, sorry. This is awkward. GRETCHEN No. It's Fuck Week.As soon as I get this god damn pitch done, I'm gonna be balls deep in balls. Thanks, Edgar. GRETCHEN Then, the day your new video drops, only your face, not your name is on billboards. People will look up and ask--"Who's there?" Answer Nock Nock. NOCK NOCK Good job. I can see you worked real hard. GRETCHEN Great; then let's sign that contract. NOCK NOCK Listen, Gretchen, there's something you got to know about me. I made everything out of dirt. Hole scratch, I've been out here alone since I was 15. Mushing, rectify. Nock Nock, come in. You know? Plus, I got Charles. CHARLES NOCK NOCK I got to take Charles to volleyball. I believe in you, Gretchen. Full heart. LINDSAY What the hell, Gretch? I actually had to hike yesterday because I thought I went to the wrong side. GRETCHEN You didn't get laid? LINDSAY Of course I got laid. GRETCHEN Did he have a golden retriever? LINDSAY No. A Rottweiler. GRETCHEN Jesus, are you okay? ASSISTANT Sam's on the phone for you. LINDSAY She's not here! I killed Sam's garbage track. GRETCHEN Wait a sec. You killed it as in you called every radio station and media outlet and convinced them not to play the track even though they'd already received it? LINDSAY And I still found time to get all in it. GRETCHEN You know what? You're right. You and Jimmy are both pulling tail. Screw this. LINDSAY There's my girl. GRETCHEN Tomorrow night, Soho House, Gretchen goes to Slamtown. JIMMY GRETCHEN Come here, say hi, I'm dying. JIMMY Oh, uh. I should really take a shower. Jesus, did you bone a catfish? Oh. Fuck Week. GRETCHEN Fuck Week! JIMMY So you're ready to finally go out, huh? GRETCHEN As soon as I finish this target monetization strat for Nock Nock. If I can increase his engagement levels, land him a few key endorsements- Ooh. Maybe I can get him a Wayz channel? NOCK NOCK I'm not in it for the money. Never have been. GRETCHEN Are you kidding? GRETCHEN Guys! Guys, I am in a meeting. SAM Lindsay tanked our release. Now no one's gonna hear our fire-ass track of fire! LINDSAY I keep telling them the track isn't ready. SAM That's not your job, Messy bitch! GRETCHEN Guys, that is exactly her job! SAM But who the hell is she to tell us she-? She's just some titty girl who used to hang out with you, and now we're supposed to listen to her? LINDSAY I am your publicist! That's who I am. I'm not some titty girl. That's insulting. I have a job, and it's whatever Gretchen just said it was. Yes, you are! NOCK NOCK May I hear the track? SHITSTAIN I forgot we added that cookie line. GRETCHEN That is so bad. What were you guys even going for? SAM We've been getting a lot of moms at our shows, and they're not even coming to the after party. We're losing relevance, bitch! HONEY NUTZ 2 Like Alanis Morissette after Jagged Little Pill. NOCK NOCK You got a wild track in there, but there's all this shit covering it. You got Corn Flakes and Lucky Charms and Cocoa Puffs. But I just want to taste the milk. SAM Who the hell is this kids? GRETCHEN Guys, I told Lindsay to hold off on releasing the song because I wanted to link you guys up with Nock Nock. He's untested, but very promising. I think a collab with him could help you get your track where you want it. SAM I don't know this corny, cereal-ass bitch! NOCK NOCK Yeah. GRETCHEN He gets half a million monthly listens on SoundCloud. SAM Nice to meet you. Nock Nock, is it? NOCK NOCK It'd be an honor to help you guys out. "Big Titty Dreams" got me through my parents' divorce. GRETCHEN See? This is a perfect example of the extra cross-pollination that Caliber can offer. NOCK NOCK I'm in. GRETCHEN So we good? SAM Ah. LINDSAY We're not good, Gretch. You ditched me at Soho House and I ended up pegging an agent from APA. APA, Gretch. SAM Oh, shit! You're on a Fuck Week? That's why you've been ignoring my texts? GRETCHEN Yes. Duh. SAM Next time just say so. NOCK NOCK Thanks, fam. GRETCHEN Okay. I did it! I got him! Can you imagine how exciting this would be if he were actually good? LINDSAY We doing this? GRETCHEN Hell yeah. LINDSAY GRETCHEN Oh, these guys are so hot! I can't wait to put my stuff up in their stuffs. LINDSAY Struggling actors are the best. They have so much to prove. GRETCHEN Oh, where are those dummies with our drinks? LINDSAY They better hurry, 'cause I'm so ready to get down with their dicks. GRETCHEN You okay? You're shaking and your eyeballs are real shiny. LINDSAY It's because I'm so happy we're doing this. You? GRETCHEN Definitely! I am so pumped to bone down with some strange!But you don't have to. You've had a busy week. LINDSAY My hood is extremely chapped, but I'm still down if you are. Unless you want to go. GRETCHEN I mean in a way that might be the crazier thing to do. LINDSAY No one would see it coming. GRETCHEN LINDSAY GRETCHEN 'Cause I don't want to do this! LINDSAY I don't want to do this, either! GRETCHEN Oh, I'm calling it. Fuck Week's done. LINDSAY Oh, thank God. For real. I just want to find my forever dick, Gretch. GRETCHEN I have this gross feeling maybe I'm actually fulfilled by my job. Like, maybe it's not just some place for me to go to nap under my desk anymore. And instead of celebrating this win with a bunch of dick, all I want to do is go home and tell Jimmy. LINDSAY Oh, can I crash at your place tonight? I'm sick of hearing Becca and Vernon whisper-fight over whose turn it is to rinse out Tallylah's eye. Can I borrow your lip balm? GRETCHEN Mm. LINDSAY Oh. Oh, shit. Ew! GRETCHEN Geez, have some standards, Jimmy. LINDSAY GRETCHEN Good night, Lindser. LINDSAY GRETCHEN Hey, Jimmy. I forgive you for hooking up with such a flat butt. Jimmy? Jim-? JIMMY HOT FANGIRL You're Jimmy Shive-Overly! Ah! I love you! Sorry. Are you alone? Can I join you? JIMMY Sorry, I'm on a deadline. GRETCHEN There you are. Food's here. JIMMY Mmm. Yum! JIMMY Last night was mind-boggling. Am I still a little tender? Yes. I didn't know it could bend that way. You should be in Cirque du Soleil. What, tonight? Is Gretchen here? EDGAR I can't believe you're cheating on Gretchen after everything you've been through- JIMMY I'm not cheating. It's Fuck Week. It's a week during which both parties- EDGAR It's in the name. JIMMY But twist, I am not doing any cocksmanning. Ho-ho! What? I'm abstaining because I've already participated in Fuck Week. I just did it before the official kick-off. EDGAR What do you mean? JIMMY Well, having received underwhelming fellatio from a florist, I've contrived this brief fermata in out carnal fealty to allow Gretchen to get even, without her ever knowing that there was a connubial imbalance in the first place. EDGAR So you did cheat on Gretchen and only suggested Fuck Week as a scam to get rid of your guilt without ever owning up to what you did? JIMMY To the simpleton. EDGAR Oh, so what, Gretchen sleeps with a bunch of guys? Won't you be jealous? JIMMY I am post-jealousy. EDGAR Uh-huh. JIMMY But, as it turns out, Gretchen is too busy with work- as ludicrous at that sentence sounds- thus, downgrading my plan to flawed. EDGAR Just be honest with her. Be Jimmy. JIMMY Hmm. Being Jimmy means that upon hearing advice from Dim Roommate Edgar, I should immediately reject said advice and do the opposite. It's settled, then. I shall double down and lean into the illusion to motivate her. Good backwards advice, Edgar. You've accidentally done it again. JIMMY All right, start slow. Ease into it. The right amount of suction is imperative. Firm, but with an intermediate amount of pressure. Bit of moisture should help it along, and remember, no teeth. PROSTITUTE I've done this before, honey. So where do you want me? JIMMY Right. Here. Ah. GRETCHEN Come here and say hi. I'm dying. JIMMY Oh, uh I should really take a shower. SAM Yo, why are you playing vids during Fuck Week? JIMMY How do you know about that? SAM Your girl told me how much she's fucking. She's probably pregnant by now. JIMMY But she hasn't been doing it at all. She's been working non stop. I've observed it myself. SAM Fool, she's putting on a show. Bitch is a pathological liar who's weeks away from getting that ring. She's gonna lie even more now. JIMMY Once when she spilled chocolate on her pants, she told the dry cleaners that she shit herself because she didn't want him to judge her. SAM You played yourself, man. You let the Hamburglar into McDonald's on the honor system and you're sitting around here just playing video games? Thinking your burgers are safe? Your burgers are not safe! You're so stupid, Jimmy. Oh! Stupid, stupid, stupid! Your burgers are not safe! JIMMY I've lethally miscalculated. I thought that it would make it even, but it's not remotely even. I have to sleep with one person at least. And Gretchen is fucking so many guys. So, so many. EDGAR I thought you were post-jealousy. JIMMY No, I am not mid-post jealousy. Oh, look! Ecstasy! Just the elixir I need to get into the perfect mindset. Hmm, a bit crumbly. Better take two to ensure efficacy. EDGAR When was the last time you wore that jacket? JIMMY Hmm, couldn't have been that long ago. Oh, look. My old Zune! EDGAR I'm going home. I get screwed enough at work. JIMMY Am I sweating? JIMMY Night, night. GRETCHEN Ew. Rough night, huh, buddy? Winning! JIMMY 'Twas a crazy night indeed. You're off? GRETCHEN Of course! Last day of Fuck Week! LINDSAY JIMMY Oh, well. Go, go have fun. GRETCHEN You're so cool, Jimmy. I can't wait to marry you. Now, I'm going to go get some dick. LINDSAY Climb on all the dicks. Thank God Gretchen's finally getting on the goddamn game. JIMMY What'd you mean "finally?" LINDSAY She called off her only attempt at Fuck Week to come home to you, like a lame-o. But you were out squirting on dicks, like you should be, playa. Thank God you posted that gross, pasty-ass girl butt on your Insta. It's what finally motivated her to go dick hunting. JIMMY That was my butt. LINDSAY What? EDGAR LINDSAY That flat booty bitch was you? JIMMY I didn't fuck during Fuck Week. LINDSAY What? So neither of you goobers have been banging at all? JIMMY Yeah, Gretchen has. Sam told me. LINDSAY She lied to Sam to look cool. God! You both are such gigantic losers! I'm the only one who fucked during Fuck Week and it wasn't even my Fuck Week. EDGAR Gretchen's about to do it. LINDSAY Yeah, she is. Thanks to you. EDGAR Where are you now? JIMMY Jealousy. EDGAR Yeah. JIMMY Wha? Oh, you're home. GRETCHEN Jimmy, thank you so much for suggesting Fuck Week. JIMMY Oh, no problem. GRETCHEN No, really. To be perfectly honest, it sounded fun, but I just wasn't feeling it at first, which worried me. So tonight I had meaningless sex with a rando. JIMMY Oh. That's great, great to hear. GRETCHEN And, well, Jimmy, it made me realize I don't want to do that anymore. I'm happy being with just you. And I'm not even lying to myself, which if I'm not lying to someone else is usually the case. But it's true. I just want you. Did it work for you? You get it out of your system, too? JIMMY I actually realized that I didn't need it before you did, so I didn't partake. GRETCHEN Yes, you did. The lipstick, the hickey. The Insta-butt? JIMMY Yeah, well I didn't want to take Fuck Week away from you, so I just faked it for your benefit. GRETCHEN No! No! Jimmy! But I did, which means now we're going to our marriage unequal! JIMMY No, no, no, no, no. No, no, it's- it's okay. It's okay. I got my dick sucked. So it's even. GRETCHEN I thought you didn't hook up this week. JIMMY No, right. No. Didn't-didn't I say I? I actually had a small encounter, like, within the margin of error of said week. GRETCHEN Margin of error? What does that mean? JIMMY Oh, it's f- it's funny. Do you remember when I picked out centerpieces alone l-last week? GRETCHEN Because I was working. JIMMY Yeah, yeah, well, while you were doing that the florist, you know, she kind of, um she sucked my dick. You remember, because you said that I wasn't-I wasn't a bad boy. Remember? So, yeah, yeah, technically it happened before the commencement. But that is splitting hairs really, because we both came to the same conclusion. That we don't want that anymore. So yay us! GRETCHEN So, wait you did all of this- suggested Fuck Week, went to elaborate lengths to make it seem like you were fucking- so I'd fuck someone even though I didn't want to, just so you could feel better about yourself? JIMMY Well, I'm I mean, when you put it that way, it does sound a bit foolish. GRETCHEN No. I'm impressed. JIMMY You are? GRETCHEN Makes me feel better to know you're as big of a dishonest, disgusting fucking liar as I am. JIMMY Ha. GRETCHEN Good night, Jimmy.