BANKER_GUY BARISTA BECCA COWORKER CROWD DESK_CLERK EDGAR GRETCHEN JIMMY KID_1 KID_2 LINDSAY LYDIA MAN MARIAH PAUL SHAYNA VERNON WORKERS YVETTE DESK CLERK Checking in with us today? Okay, Miss Cutler. Looks like we have you in one of our signature suites. Will you be needing one room key or two? GRETCHEN One's fine. JIMMY All right. Are any of these popular disc jockeys worthy of playing our wedding? Uh, “DJ Duchess?” “DJ Squirt-Squirt?” “Brian?” GRETCHEN Who cares? We could put a blonde wig and a Givenchy shirt on an iPhone and no one would know the difference. JIMMY The DJ will be the first person to introduce us as a married couple. Do you really want to hand that responsibility to-- "DJ Thugtastic"? GRETCHEN Nock Nock? Who's Nock Nock? And how does he have six million views? GRETCHEN I think this is trash? But is it garbage-trash or like trash that ends up in a museum trash? JIMMY No, no. It's rubbish. Right? GRETCHEN Right. I mean, he's just some ox-ed out redneck rapping behind an Arby's or something. Again? JIMMY Yes, please. JIMMY Well, we have had a shockingly productive morning. We have booked our cake tasting, finalized booze selections, low-balled our officiant, and tonight, we have an appointment with our florist. GRETCHEN We got a florist?! This wedding's about to be classy as fuck. JIMMY All right. Time to head off to write. I mustn't keep the muse waiting. GRETCHEN Yes, hurry up. Wouldn't want to lose the table near the outlet! JIMMY What's that supposed to mean? GRETCHEN Come on. You're a reg at a coffee shop with a reg outlet and reg writing hours. Plus, running point on all this wedding shit. You've just become this, like, stable-ass dude alla sudden. JIMMY Stable? GRETCHEN Yeah, I always thought the whole point of being a writer was so that you could drink all night in dive bars and challenge other writers to fist fights and die hella early. But not you, Jimmy. You, sir, are a VGB. A very good boy. JIMMY I'm not a-- I am the opposite of a good boy. I may have experienced a marked level of success as of late, but that doesn't change the fact that Jimmy Shive-Overly is and will always be, unassailably, without question, a bad, bad boy! GRETCHEN Name one thing that makes you a bad boy. JIMMY I have a raging foot fetish! GRETCHEN Foot fetishes are the applesauce of fetishes. Bad boy fetishes are like you can only get turned on if your dick's on fire. EDGAR What are you still doing here? You're gonna lose your outlet! GRETCHEN Jimmy thinks he's a bad boy. EDGAR JIMMY What-- What gives Edgar the right to weigh in on this? GRETCHEN Jimmy, Edgar has killed people. What is more bad boy than that? EDGAR GRETCHEN Oh. It's good! Everyone knows you don't marry the bad boy. You bang him until he gets caught knocking over a tattoo shop he lost in a dice game, but marry him? No way. That is what I have you for!Is that sunblock? Good boy. GRETCHEN That was the mustard. Not my butt. YVETTE You can eat in the meeting, Gretchen. I mean, usually people don't eat at these things, but do you. All right, time to pitch me new clients. Go. JIMMY BARISTA Still on pace for 28 pages today, Jimmy? JIMMY No, actually. I'm just winging it today. Who cares about page goals? BARISTA Uh, you, bruh? You asked me to “shame you mightily” if you don't make your page goal every day. You good, fam? JIMMY Yeah, I'm completely good- "fam."It's just that my fiancé accused me of being a good boy- BARISTA JIMMY Preposterous! That is decaf, right? Just, I don't want the afternoon jitters. MAN Mind watching my stuff while I hit the bathroom? JIMMY Yeah! Yeah. MAN Thanks. SHAYNA His music is fantastic. His brand is ripe for developing. And his numbers speak for themselves. YVETTE When I saw Young Bludgeon a few years ago, I felt he was talented, but derivative of Lil Uzi Vert, which is to say, I am not interested in this at all and neither should you be. Thanks for that complete waste of time, Shayna. YVETTE Gretchen? GRETCHEN Mm-hmm. Mm-mm. Well, two words for you. Actually, one word, twice. Also, not spelled the way you'd think. Anyway Nock Nock. SHAYNA Who's there? GRETCHEN Yes, exactly. Nock Nock is there! Nock Nock is a trailer park rapper who only raps about drugs and his mom. And eating pussy. Very fresh talent. YVETTE Pull him up on the screen? GRETCHEN Oh, we can do that later. YVETTE Huh. Anybody heard of him? Well, how about we all get to know Nock Nock today? GRETCHEN All of us? Today? YVETTE Watch every video, listen to every song, comb through his online presence to see if you brought us someone who's worth our time. Rony really vouched for you on this promotion, so I am looking forward to seeing what the hype is about. Meeting's done. LINDSAY EDGAR Did you hear that? LINDSAY No. You know what else I don't hear? The sound of me jizzing yet. VERNON You guys banging? LINDSAY EDGAR VERNON Noice! Sweet balls, E. BECCA Ew, you two. Get a room. LINDSAY I am in my sheet room. VERNON Linds, grateful you're letting us crash, but we can only kill so much time at the 99 Cent Store. It's fun but then a huge bummer all of a sudden. Really sneaks up on you. Yo, what are you guys getting up to the rest of the day? LINDSAY Ew. Get off! Go back to your couch! BECCA Oh, don't forget, Paul will be over soon to do the insemination procedure. VERNON Paul's gonna cum in a cup and we're gonna put that in her vag! Ooh, Bec! Tiny People, Big House is on! BECCA Okay, babe.Ow! LINDSAY How are we living in a world where Becca loves her husband now? And how is that world living inside my apartment? I need to find someone. Soon. EDGAR You and I hang out all the time. LINDSAY We do sex all the time. I want a “feeds-me-cheese-balls” type of love. EDGAR LINDSAY Oh no, you didn't catch feels, did you? We promised we'd kill the other if that happened. Do I need to get my stabbing knife out? EDGAR No. No feels. But I don't know. What if we tried? LINDSAY Explain your words. EDGAR What if, like, we do what we're doing now, but we moved it to a restaurant. And, you know, gave catching feelings a shot? LINDSAY We do bone good. EDGAR That's like 90% of a relationship. LINDSAY Let's do it! Let's go on a da? DayQuil? No, that's not a word. Ugh, what's the word for a “no sex dinner”? EDGAR A date? LINDSAY Ew, that's it. A date. VERNON Lindsay, you're gonna want to stay out of your underwear drawer for a bit. Tallulah's taking a nap in there and she may or may not have sharted all over your thongs.No, she totally did. WORKERS SHAYNA COWORKER This is the guy? GRETCHEN LYDIA Yvette would like to get drinks with you tonight, off-campus. I'll be in touch with your office. GRETCHEN Like a fun drinks or? JIMMY One street hot dog, please, vendor. KID 1 Why are you littering? JIMMY Because I'm a bad boy. KID 2 Do we need to find a grown-up? JIMMY What are you, five? Who calls adults “grown-ups?" Piss off you meddling street urchins. KID 2 Excuse me, grown-up. We need help! BANKER GUY Oh, I did not even tell you about our trip to Montana. Yeah, no, truly majestic. Big Sky Country, like so humbling. I found myself. How it was though? Lexy got sick on the second night. So, I was just out there bagging town agents left and right. Yeah, I gotta go dude. BANKER GUY Yeah, I know, it's like, if you don't want to lose your pension then don't invest it in the first place, grandma. Yeah.Right? Yeah. Hold on dude, I gotta hit this sick cross walk. Um, so anyway, the reason I'm calling is, are you still dealing molly? VERNON How you doin' in there, buddy? PAUL Fine! Uh give me a minute. PAUL You'd think my reproductive anatomy would more than cooperate considering I've refrained from any emissions in two fortnights. BECCA PAUL VERNON Damn. Great work, Paul! It's like a full side of ranch. BECCA PAUL It's wondrous to think that of the 400 million odd sperm you're holding, one mighty swimmer might become my future child. BECCA VERNON Oh! PAUL How powerful is this moment? VERNON I'm upsquirting the specimen into the medical baster! Now, I'm inserting the medical baster into the vaginal canal! BECCA Oh, ow-! VERNON Relax, honey! Almost done, Paul! All right. You can come out now. PAUL May I? BECCA Oh. PAUL Implant, dear offspring! Father cannot wait to meet you. VERNON BECCA PAUL I can't believe it's been four months and no fetus. My last sperm test revealed I had historic motility. VERNON It's my off-ish doctor's opinion this is absolutely, possibly the one. BECCA And if not, there's always next month.Do you need a pen to write the check or- VERNON Becca! This is a sacred moment. You mind scribblin' that five thou to cash? Bec and I could really use the walkin' around money. CROWD YVETTE Question, how did you get hired in the first place? GRETCHEN Look, I know. I was just a coked-out assistant who spent most of her time hooking up with industry guys and stealing iPod shuffles from swag bags. But then, Rick was decapitated in that jet-ski accident, and suddenly, I got a promotion I never asked for. And now, here I am, three years later. Getting married, pretending to be a real publicist in my big office, which, yeah, I stole. Which triggered another promotion I didn't ask for. And- I am a total fraud, okay? All I do is lie and manipulate my clients into doing what I want them to do! YVETTE You just described being a publicist. GRETCHEN Yeah, anyways, thanks for doing this off- campus to let me save face. Say bye to Toilet for me. YVETTE Sit. God, you remind me so much of me. It's true. I was just some rich girl who liked to fuck musicians. GRETCHEN Really? YVETTE Yes. I didn't take this job seriously, either. Until, one day, I woke up and decided I wanted to be good at something other than avoiding being good at anything. GRETCHEN The only thing I'm good at is faking it. YVETTE I get that you need to think that's true, but I have news for you- when you weren't looking, Gretchen, you actually became good. Can you imagine how unstoppable you would be if you actually tried? Bad mom, huh? GRETCHEN JIMMY You're lucky. Hello, florist. Please, enter so that I may select centerpieces, a manly endeavor, if there ever was one. Hm, do you have anything a bit more dangerous and bad-ass? MARIAH No. Pick one of these. JIMMY You only just plunked them annoyedly on the table a second ago. Well, daisies are for school children. Succulents are for anorexic Instagram girls. Is that just a bowl of sticks? Hm. These are really quite different, aren't they? MARIAH One is white hydrangeas and white calla lilies. The other is all white hydrangeas. JIMMY Oh, the subtle difference speaks volumes. MARIAH Can you hurry? I have somewhere to be. JIMMY Okay, yup. Um Well. hydrangeas and calla lilies it is- MARIAH Great. That's the deposit amount. And I need a sig there, and the check, then I can get the hell outta here. JIMMY You really shouldn't talk to your customers this way. MARIAH You seriously want to argue about my attitude or do you want to tell your fiancé that you got this done for her? JIMMY Ha! Joke's on you. My fiancé doesn't give a shit about this. MARIAH Sorry. Most wedding people are total assholes, I get pre-defensive. JIMMY Pre-defensive is my natural state. What are you so late for anyway? MARIAH I'm going to a show. JIMMY What kind of show? JIMMY LINDSAY EDGAR So. LINDSAY Huh? EDGAR Huh? LINDSAY What was that? EDGAR What was what? LINDSAY You said something. EDGAR No, I-I-I didn't say anything. You did. LINDSAY Oh, okay. Never mind. This food is taking forever! Isn't it taking forever? EDGAR Uh, we haven't ordered yet. LINDSAY Are you fucking kidding me! I mean, funny, I thought we had. EDGAR LINDSAY How's the gym? EDGAR I haven't worked there for over a year. LINDSAY Really? Oh. Huh. EDGAR I'm just. I'm gonna hit the men's room. LINDSAY Okay. Cool. Cool. EDGAR LINDSAY We're so good with our clothes off. What happened? EDGAR I don't know.Hey, you deserve to find love, Lindsay. LINDSAY If I don't find someone soon, I'm gonna end up alone. Like, “Mr. Rogers-begging-children-to-be-his-neighbor” alone. I guess having Jimmy and Gretchen about to tie the knot is freaking me out. EDGAR You know, maybe us hooking up has held you back from finding it. LINDSAY As much as I'd hate to give up quality D, I need to create space for love in my heart. And my puss. EDGAR And I want that for you. LINDSAY Great sex, bud. Real horny. EDGAR Crap, that was mine. YVETTE Thank you. So, let's talk Nock Nock. GRETCHEN YVETTE We're flying him in for a signing meeting next week. GRETCHEN Wait, but everyone hated him. YVETTE But you liked him. GRETCHEN I couldn't stop watching him, that doesn't mean I liked him. YVETTE In a moment of panic, you pulled him out of your brain. I'll go with instinct every time in this business. GRETCHEN I am definitely gonna screw this up. YVETTE Well, don't tell me that. Jesus. We had our little heart-to-heart. We experienced some growth, right? I'm invested in you now. Nock Nock is all you, baby girl. Don't fuck this up. GRETCHEN I won't. JIMMY MARIAH That was crazy. How the hell did you survive that body slam? JIMMY I feel incredible! The rage. The electricity. The devotion of your entire physical being to the communal goal of feeding an endless vortex of violence is the most asinine thing that I have ever done in my life. To think, I wasted even a millisecond worrying about whether I'm a quote-unquote bad boy, when being bad is so cheap- it's an empty goal for the stupid that achieves nothing substantive. Whereas, my predictability has afforded me a life that I love, and an incredible fiancé, who's the reason that I'm having this epiphany in the first place. I mean, maybe the true mark of a bad boy is knowing that you can be bad, but having the strength to not have to prove it all the time.