ALL ASSISTANT AUDIENCE_MEMBER BABY BECCA BOTH CANDACE CONTESTANT EDGAR FEMALE_AUTHOR GRETCHEN JACK_FM_GUY JEFF JIMMY LINDSAY MODEL PAT_SAJAK PRISCILLA TARA VERNON WALTER JIMMY Big day today. I'm meeting with the publishing house about the strategy for the new book. Of course, the marketing budg Why aren't you listening to me? I'm fascinating! EDGAR Oh, I'm on a dating app now. I was hoping to find romance, but every girl I match with ends up wanting to be friends. Like on Friday, I'm helping a girl move a futon into her apartment, but we got to be done by 500 because she's got a date. JIMMY Well, the good news for you is that these sites attract desperate, soon-to-be spinsters with the self-esteem of a shelter pet. And that knowledge can help you. Have you tried negging? EDGAR Isn't that something lame dudes did, like, ten years ago? JIMMY Now it's making a comeback. Like pubes and racism. See, to neg, you employ criticism couched as compliments to prey on low self-esteem. Par example, "Oh, I love your top. My mother had the same one before she lost four stone." EDGAR I can't be mean to someone I like. JIMMY Those are the best people to be mean to. They never see it coming ugly. This is the survival of your genes. You have to be aggressive. Like they say, "tits or GTFO." EDGAR What does that stand for? JIMMY I'm not sure exactly. I think maybe, "tits or get my fanny out." EDGAR Hmm. I could give it a shot. Hey, maybe we can be app buddies. I'm assuming you're dating now. JIMMY That would be a no. Actually, I'm guardedly excited about how things went with Gretchen the other night. EDGAR Jimmy, I think it's over. JIMMY No. You heard her. She said that everything between us was, and I quote, "Okay." EDGAR Did you notice how she said it? Weird and flat like someone who's about to do something bad on Facebook live. JIMMY Edgar, a bit of advice. Try not to dig beneath the surface of things. With your pathetic analytic skills, you really should take everything at face value. You know, like when I say, "Oh, Edgar, you idiot." Hmm. TARA I've gotten it down so I only have to sleep three and a half hours a night. My metal work is more honest in the pre-dawn hours. LINDSAY That's so funny. JEFF Why is that funny? LINDSAY I don't know. Watch this. MODEL Ow! LINDSAY Oh, my God, I'm sorry! TARA Uh, let's go. JEFF Right. GRETCHEN 'Sup, ninja! Why aren't you answering your phone? LINDSAY Because I'm busy trying different clothes combinations on this alive mannequin thingy. Shouldn't you be at work, too? GRETCHEN Nah, I was so cranked up from messing with Jimmy's head, I decided to blow off work and treat myself to a liquor store lunch instead. So, I forgot to tell you, I had sex with that dummy Ty. LINDSAY What? GRETCHEN And then, later that same day, I boned his best friend. LINDSAY What? MODEL Should I try a walk or LINDSAY Shut up! GRETCHEN Plus, he's married, so it can't be a thing. That's right, two guys in a row just like senior prom. Micheladas are much better when they're cold. PRISCILLA Hey, Lindsay. Hi, Lindsay's troubled friend. Good news, we just signed to dress Casey Affleck's lawyer for all future court appearances, press conferences, and depositions. Looks like Mama's getting her boat. LINDSAY That's amazing! PRISCILLA Do you want to stay late with me tonight? We can get dinner, force Carl to make coffee and froyo runs. Make it fun. LINDSAY Oh, farts. I promised my sister I'd babysit, but I could cancel if you want me to. PRISCILLA No, that's okay. I can harass him by myself. Pants? As a hat? I like it. LINDSAY It's fun, right? GRETCHEN Ew, you have to hang out with that ugly-ass baby? That thing looks like Billy Corgan fell asleep in a jacuzzi. LINDSAY I know. But thank God I had a legit excuse. Priscilla's always here! She eats, sleeps, and shits work. I don't want to shit work, Gretchen. I once shit out one of those little wooden ice cream spoons, and I couldn't sit down for a week. Hey! Want to do something fun? VERNON We'll be in the man cave recording the podcast, so if she cries like a little bitch, just babble at her. You can say anything on account of her soft-ass baby brain being all stupid and soft. Check it. Hey, dumb baby, guess what Daddy did at work? He used an oscillating bone distractor to try and relieve an old lady's cranial frontonasal dysplasia, and we lost her on the table. Yes, we did, we lost her. BECCA Hey, guys. This is my GBF Walter. We met at the bar in Gelson's. He and his hubby also have a three-month-old. WALTER Yeah, I'm definitely the Becca in my marriage. I would say that Troy is the Vernon, but he has money and a chin. BECCA You're late! LINDSAY I'm sorry. I had to leave my job as a professional stylist so I could babysit for free. BECCA Hey! Being a mom is the most important job in the world. Don't indoctrinate my baby with your lib-tard bullcrap. Normally, I don't let my sitters bring their friends, especially when one is clearly intoxicated and the other one's probably in our country illegally. EDGAR Hmm? BECCA I can say that because I voted for Obama the first time. WALTER Lock her up. BOTH Lock her up, lock her up. WALTER I have to run. BECCA WALTER Yeah, Troy's on this new thing about eating dinner at the table and just talking? Like freaking psychopaths? BECCA You should do what I do. I just make Vernon eat in the car. VERNON Joke's on you, I get to eat dinner with Joe Rogan every night. What? No! Jon Cryer just cancelled! Damn it! We can't just not do the podcast. We already blew the red napkin cash on Talullah's eye medicine. Gretch, you just had some crazy stuff go down. You want to come get deep in the man cave? BECCA Mm. No, Vernon, she doesn't, she doesn't want to. GRETCHEN Sure. I am owning what Jimmy did to me. I am not living in silence anymore. Plus, I am drunk as shit on this clam booze, so I'm down for whatever. VERNON Come on, I'll get you set up. Listen, when I ask you if you wish if you could have all your dinner ingredients delivered to your door, say yes. I mean, I know that seems obvious, but for some reason, Janeane Garofolo said no. ASSISTANT They're ready for you. CANDACE Simon entered the room as he entered a woman. Deliberately. With no appetite for the barometic. For Simon, even the humdrum was veined. BOTH thick with decadence. CANDACE I'm Candace Seabring, head of marketing. This is my rock star team, and we all love the book! We have been looking for you for three months. A little disappearance artist. We can't wait for you to see the mock-up of your cover. JIMMY Yes. Well, it is a tricky one. What with having to capture the tenor and zeitgeist of three wildly different periods in London's. JIMMY I'm, um, I'm confused because that looks like a sex book for horny airport ladies. My book is, of course, literature. CANDACE Oh, Jimmy. No, this is just marketing. We want your genius to have the best possible chance to succeed. Which is why we're putting it in the erotica section. ALL It's marketing. JIMMY If it's marketed as erotica, and it's in the erotica section, then it's erotica. CANDACE If what's inside is literature, it's literature. JIMMY Then why not market it as literature? CANDACE Because nobody buys literature. They do buy erotica. And they're definitely going to buy this erotica. JIMMY You just said it's not erotica. CANDACE Which is what makes it so erotic. Imagine what happens when an overworked mom lights her scented candles, slips into her bubble bath, opens your book and realizes this isn't just sexy as hell, it's actually a really good book. She'll squirt so hard that tub will overflow! Besides, we've already paid for the most prominent spots in all the major chains right next to some of our other hot titles. JIMMY Bye. CANDACE Jimmy. Jimmy. Jimmy. We're doing a reading tonight at The Straining Corset. Some of our authors from our silk sheets line are reading, and we're hoping that you will, too. All of the top erotica bloggers and tastemakers will be there. At least, think about it? EDGAR Wow. As if. Oh, unbelievable. Seriously? LINDSAY Stop it. I’m trying to stare at this baby real quick. EDGAR Jimmy told me to neg these girls, but I just keep getting back all sorts of rude comments and no titties whatsoever. It's like they don't even care if they get "thy fannies out." LINDSAY What'd you write? EDGAR Um, um. "Damn girl, what's up with those nostrils? You Airbnb'ing them shits? Titties or GTFO.” LINDSAY That would work on me. Why are you talking like that? Sounds wrong. Like if your cat started barking. EDGAR Oh, my God. How cute would that be? LINDSAY I know! As soon as I said it, I was like. EDGAR That would be so cute! BOTH Aww! EDGAR Well, being nice didn't work, and doing Jimmy's strategy of being mean didn't work. So what can I do? LINDSAY Give up, die alone. EDGAR Or oh, and stay with me here- what if I combine the intensity of my natural intimate approach with the aggressive manipulation of negging? LINDSAY That's ridiculous. It'll never work. EDGAR I'm gonna go practice this in the place where all the greatest flirting is done. BOTH The toilet. LINDSAY I was gonna say that. GRETCHEN And once I realized it wasn't some elaborate heckle and he really wasn't coming back, I walked down toward the Hollywood Bowl to get a signal. I almost got trampled by a pack of wine-drunk 50-year-olds with picnic baskets, but my cab finally came. VERNON I just can't believe what I'm hearing. That's not Jimmy. You must have misunderstood. GRETCHEN How? VERNON Unknown. You just had to have. No way, uh-uh. Jimmy is way too manly a boss to punk out on a bitch like that. BECCA I just want to say that you are so brave for showing your face after that humiliation. I would have changed my name. Cut off all my hair. Gotten a neck tattoo, joined a golf league at the local par three, maybe rent a little efficiency in Marina Del Rey where the water meets the sky and a woman could just live her life out loud without judgment or labels. GRETCHEN Whatever, he's the one who should be ashamed, not me. VERNON I know Jimmy better than anybody. He could never do something like that. It was probably some cool-ass prank like Jamie Kennedy would do. BECCA Jimmy is a psychopath. I woke up in the middle of the night one time, and he was editing a picture of my feet on one of those facetune apps. GRETCHEN I once walked in on him masturbating to a story written by an 11-year-old. BECCA That was supposed to be sexy moaning. VERNON Stop it! Stop ripping on my best friend! GRETCHEN I am just glad to be done with the whole thing. Sure, I'm out some rent money, but it's a small price. BECCA Wait a minute, you paid rent in advance? GRETCHEN Yeah, like, half a year. BECCA I was once right up on that same hill, getting proposed to by Jimmy. I said '"no," and you said "yes," which really adds extra humiliation for you. But that's not the point. The point is why does Jimmy get to decide everything? GRETCHEN Yeah! He disappeared, and I don't get to live in my house anymore? VERNON Stop it! BECCA It's not fair! GRETCHEN That butthole can't do that! VERNON You guys can't say that stuff about my friend! I'll walk out. This is my show! BECCA Did ever catch him plucking his nipple hair? GRETCHEN VERNON That's it! Podcast over! BECCA Hey! We have a financial commitment, mister. VERNON Oh, yeah. Just joking around there, guys. Ha, ha, ha. BECCA You guys, I love Ned Rapkin so much. Are you ever in the mood for a spinach and fried leek fritotto, surrounded by a bev-re-gala. JIMMY EDGAR LINDSAY What's wrong? EDGAR In the middle of messaging all these girls, I just started thinking about the relationship you and I have- whatever it is- and how, yeah, we're just a couple of wild cards who don't add up to much, but, if nothing else during this time, I learned firsthand just how absolutely amazing you are. LINDSAY Me? EDGAR Your smile. LINDSAY EDGAR The way your eyes catch fire when you laugh. I mean, sure, you regularly get outwitted by dogs, but that's what makes you unique. And, yeah, you get Doritos stuck in your eyebrows sometimes, but I still want to make out with you all the time because our connection, despite whatever, it's true and deep and good. Now, I'd love to see those beautiful bosoms of yours, if I might. LINDSAY Yeah. Okay. EDGAR Wouldn't work, huh? LINDSAY You! You cannot bring that technique into the world, Edgar. It's too dangerous. EDGAR Mm-hmm. LINDSAY Woo! Your Uncle Edgar is a bad man. He's going to make all the girls show him their titties. I don't know what titties are because my mommy doesn't let me suck on hers. BECCA Give me the thing. BABY BECCA Shh. LINDSAY How's the podcast? GRETCHEN I hate Jimmy. Why is your boob out? LINDSAY I was showing it to Edgar. It's not weird. We're doing it. GRETCHEN What! Why? Since when? LINDSAY For a while. Don't worry, we just bang. And do mouth stuff. And he loves the booty. GRETCHEN Wait, you don't do it on the couch where I sleep, do you? LINDSAY Oh, yeah, all the time. Oh, that reminds me, Gretchen, you should definitely buy a new pillow case. FEMALE AUTHOR "His tongue explored her inner sanctum with varying degrees of fervor, whimsy giving way to desperation. On her uncle's farm, Chastity had seen newborn kittens and foals licked clean by their mothers. With careful." CANDACE I knew you'd show. JIMMY Ugh, did I put the moustache on crooked? I'm not reading. CANDACE Listen, Jimmy, I've done my research, and I know you need this now more than anything. It's been a while since your last significant paycheck. House isn't gonna pay for itself. JIMMY This is anathema to everything I love about literature. Genre, groupies, fandom. CANDACE I can't really think of a good analogy right now, but why pre-judge something before you've even tried it? Oh, and amazing news, People Magazine read the book and they want to do a profile because a little white girl hasn't been murdered in a while, but that clock is ticking. Jimmy, I think this book could really be a thing. That's why I need you to get up there. FEMALE AUTHOR "with the taste of her." Thank you. Buy the book. CANDACE Up next, we have one of our most exciting new writers. A man who can take a World War II bombing raid and turn it into a sensual siege on your entire body. CANDACE Please join me in welcoming the author of the forthcoming. CANDACE The Width of a Peach, Jimmy Shive-Overly. JIMMY When I set out to write the sexiest erotic literary novel since Portnoy's Complaint, I knew I was going to ruffle a few feathers. AUDIENCE MEMBER Take off your pants! JIMMY "Simon stroked himself gently." LINDSAY Becca, we're leaving. GRETCHEN Yo, we getting paid or what? LINDSAY Becca? Jesus Christ! LINDSAY What the hell is wrong with you?! Tallulah needs you, and you're passed out drunk. GRETCHEN Yeah! We want our money, too, bitch. BECCA Eh, what happened? I'm not dirty. LINDSAY Drag that deadbeat out of the shower and force-feed her coffee till it shoots out of her butt. BABY LINDSAY I guess I didn't realize it, but I never actually felt love before in my life. Not real love, anyway. But as I stared at that baby, I felt my heart swell. And in that moment, I knew that even though the magical feeling came with the possibility of one day losing it, the pain would totally be worth it. LINDSAY All of my life, I'd been trying to resist that feeling, but I couldn't anymore. And that knowledge forced me to really think about my future. LINDSAY Because, you see, it was all too vulnerable, and I never want to feel that way again. I never want to care about something that might go away. LINDSAY So, I choose for my job to be my everything. Just like you, Priscilla. Just like you. PRISCILLA What the hell are you talking about? I'm married. I have two kids and three step-kids. Emily is 32, and we get botox together. LINDSAY What? Then why are you in the office all the time? PRISCILLA Because there's a lot of work to do. LINDSAY Oh. Well, I'm still choosing my job. PRISCILLA Okay, sure, whatever. Hey, can I have an eggroll now? I'm starving. LINDSAY Oh. JIMMY Okay. JIMMY Gretchen? PAT SAJAK 600. GRETCHEN Mm-hmm. CONTESTANT JIMMY What're you doing here? GRETCHEN What do you mean? This is my home. I never moved out. You just brought a bunch of my stuff, unasked, to Lindsay's, where I happened to be staying for a little while. But now I'm back here, where I already paid rent, because why wouldn't I be? I didn't do anything. You did. Now, get out of my room. JACK FM GUY Jack FM, like if the worst kid in detention had sex with a radio station. If you have any questions, comments, or concerns, e-mail it to Jack at stick it up your dot com.