ACTOR BOTH CARL EDGAR GRETCHEN JEFF LINDSAY MAN PRISCILLA SAM SHITSTAIN TARA TY WOMAN


LINDSAY
Everything bagel, cream cheese, black coffee. Hi!
LINDSAY
Oh, hi, doggy. Bup!
LINDSAY
Jesus.
GRETCHEN
Linds, I discovered this awesome radio station! Jack FM- it is not your father's rock station. You see, Jack just plays whatever he wants. They have this great '90s block I've gotten really into. What a great decade for music. We were so lucky! Anyway. How was your day?
LINDSAY
So good. I love my job.
GRETCHEN
That's so great. Watch me.
LINDSAY
It's like having people expect you to be somewhere actually makes you want to go there. Plus, I get money.
GRETCHEN
Awesome. Look, I put beads in my hair.
LINDSAY
Hmm.
GRETCHEN
You should use it at work. "Teenage white girl on vacation" is gonna be huge this year.
LINDSAY
I'm finally contributing to society.
GRETCHEN
By being a stylist's assistant?
LINDSAY
Helping make people less ugly? It's God's work, Gretch. This is the tits! I play with clothes during the day, and then I come home, and you're here, and Paul isn't. I love my new life.
GRETCHEN
Yeah, but I don't know.
LINDSAY
What?
GRETCHEN
I love it, too. But we're doing the same thing every night. You know, drinking, smoking weed. I'm afraid we might be in a rut.
LINDSAY
Okay, well, we can go out in the hood. Get Korean barbecue, and then go to one of those karaoke places where they don't like white people.
GRETCHEN
I have a better idea. Why don't we stay here and smoke crack?
LINDSAY
Where did you get crack?
GRETCHEN
From one of the homeless people outside. I didn't even have to leave the apartment. He just came to the window and asked if I wanted to buy some crack, and I said “yes!” Ten dollars for all that crack. Can you believe it?
LINDSAY
Maybe smoking crack isn't the best idea.
GRETCHEN
The guy who sold it to me couldn't disagree more.
TARA
Lindsay, did you get the swatches from Antwerp? Hello?
JEFF
Lindsay?
PRISCILLA
Can I see you in my office?
PRISCILLA
Lindsay, I wanted to.
LINDSAY
I smoked crack.
PRISCILLA
What?
LINDSAY
Thank you for this opportunity. I'm sorry I let you down.
PRISCILLA
Lindsay, sit. You've been here on a trial basis for over a month now. Are you enjoying yourself?
LINDSAY
So much. It's the dream I didn't know I had. I feel like I found a family here. Plus, the free food is a nice perk.
PRISCILLA
We don't have free food. Anyway, how would you like to come work for me full-time?

LINDSAY
What? Yes! I mean, I might be amenable to that. Do you have a piece of paper on which I should write my opening salary offer?
PRISCILLA
You're funny. You have got a great eye, and you're the most positive person we've ever had. I really value you, Lindsay. Okay, well, you'll start at a base of 45K, plus commission on any new clients you bring in. Now that you're out of your probationary period, the real work begins. You don't have to do any more of those dummy chores. Carl can do all that crap. I want you to start thinking like a designer. Read these. They're a good start for understanding my style, philosophy and influences, and probably the origins of my body dysmorphia. Why I eat ice for lunch. Then come back tonight at 700, and we begin.
LINDSAY
Tonight? But work is for day.
PRISCILLA
Honey, making people look good is a 24-hour job. We have to dress an actor for Jaden Smith's retirement party.
LINDSAY
Sorry. Thanks, Priscilla.
PRISCILLA
Shove it up your ass, Carl.
CARL
Okay.
GRETCHEN
Hi. Hello.
LINDSAY
Oh.
GRETCHEN
Hi. How was work? I had a great day. The Price is Right had Plinko, which they never do. I made a chocolate mug cake. Also, I started a really cool dinosaur mural on your wall. Anyway, tonight I made a pitcher of Greyhounds with that bag of grapefruits that you thought were limes. Postmates is bringing us Taco Bell as we speak. I think I have a little crack left.
LINDSAY
I can't hang out tonight. I have to be back at work at 700.
GRETCHEN
But work is for day.
LINDSAY
That's what I said.
GRETCHEN
Oh, well, at least until then, we can get down with our chalupas and watch Fixer Upper. We drink every time Joanna says, "Shiplap! That Chip can get it, huh?" He can get it all the way, I think.
LINDSAY
Actually, I have a whole bunch of reading to do.
GRETCHEN
Oh, ha ha. "I should really get started on those sit-ups if I want to finish in time to catch the news."
LINDSAY
Actually, I really need to concentrate, so maybe you could clear out for, like, an hour or two? Are you okay?
GRETCHEN
Yeah, no, it's just, um, I'm not really going outside these days.
LINDSAY
What do you mean?
GRETCHEN
I haven't left your apartment.
LINDSAY
Since when?
GRETCHEN
Um three months, two days, give or take.
LINDSAY
What? You mean you haven't even left while I'm at work? But the other day I came home for lunch and jerked it for 45 minutes.
GRETCHEN
I was hiding under the bed.
LINDSAY
Oh. Oh. So, I take it you're not going to therapy?
GRETCHEN
Wrong! I Skype with that titty-sucking bitch every week. I am still taking my meds and holding down my job, so she's happy. Dummy.
LINDSAY
Are you holding down your job?
GRETCHEN
I'm paying randos to take care of my bullshit clients, and I told the boys I'm in Europe scouting new talent and making connect. Shit, shit! I'm late for my Skype with them. Oh. Oh, bonjour.
SHITSTAIN
Oh, you're in France now. God, I love Paris. Did you go to the Louvre?
GRETCHEN
Oh, no, it's closed. They're cleaning the rugs. Uh, where's Honey Nutz?
SAM
He couldn't make it. He said he had a colonoscopy.
GRETCHEN
Isn't he young for that?
SHITSTAIN
Well, he said it's never too early to start, but come on, we all know the truth, right? Zachary craves any kind of human touch.
SAM
Anyway, bitch, what opportunities have you gotten for us? You been gone forever.
GRETCHEN
I'm laying important groundwork. I'm talking you up to all the music press, the influential bloggers. Uh, pardonnez-moi. Oh, une ashtray, s'il vous plait. Merci.
SHITSTAIN
It's just that you been gone for a long time, and we actually have press needs here.
SAM
I tweet-threatened Connie Chung yesterday, and not a peep, Gretchen, not one peep.
GRETCHEN
Guys, there is a surging hunger for American hip-hop in Europe right now. You know, because of Brexit. You can't deny that.
SHITSTAIN
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
SAM
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
SHITSTAIN
That makes sense.
GRETCHEN
Anyway, I'm going to Hot Mix 97.8 tonight. They are playing you on their Magnifique Mash-up hour.
SAM
Make sure they play "Titty Tag."
SHITSTAIN
Or "Pussy on Swol"
SAM
Mm-hmm.
LINDSAY
Uh, voulez, voulez.
GRETCHEN
Merci. Stupide. I have to go. Ciao.
SAM
Also, make sure you.
LINDSAY
Girl.
GRETCHEN
Right?
LINDSAY
No, I meant girl! You have got to leave the apartment. Sweetie, just go outside for an hour. You're listening to poor-people radio. You have the bush of an old Italian man. You're doing crack.
GRETCHEN
But isn't it kind of awesome, though, that I came straight here after Jimmy left me on that hill and haven't left? Like, that is pretty much straight baller when you think about it. What if I run into him and then I die? I'm trying to stalk him online, but that idiot hasn't updated anything.
LINDSAY
Have you figured out why he left yet?
GRETCHEN
Why he asked me to be his wife and then drove away? Best I can figure, he was paid by one of my enemies. It was just a long con to prank me by someone who I did wrong. Probably Jason Mraz for when I called him a fedora-wearing diarrhea.
LINDSAY
Do you believe Edgar that he hasn't heard from Jimmy?
GRETCHEN
Oh, no. Edgar is obviously covering for him.
LINDSAY
Really? That fink. Well, no one lies to me. Hey, do you know where those Eskimo Pies are that I put in the freezer?
GRETCHEN
Oh, I forgot to tell you, the police came for them.
LINDSAY
Weird. Oh, well.
EDGAR
Come in! Lindsay.
LINDSAY
What are you doing?
EDGAR
I'm just trying to come up with some pitch ideas for the show I'm working on, Doug Loves Sketches. It's about sketches. Doug loves 'em.
LINDSAY
I know, I watched season one. I loved "Guido Baby."
EDGAR
"Guido Baby" was mine.
LINDSAY
You could totally tell!
LINDSAY
Jimmy! Jimmy, I'm coming down!
EDGAR
What are you doing?
LINDSAY
I know he's here.
EDGAR
He's really not.
LINDSAY
Please. I could read people like a deck of cards, and you're holding the "Q" of clovers. Give him up, chico! Where is he?
EDGAR
He's not here. He never came back, okay? Do you know how hard that was for me? At first, I drove around looking for him, from bar to bar, every night. Showing photos, asking around. I even started a hotline. Tips came in, but they never led anywhere. Now I just keep a light on for him and... I leave him messages every once in a while just to hear his voice. But life goes on. It must.
LINDSAY
Ha! That's too many details.
EDGAR
Look. I redecorated. Would I dare do that if Jimmy was still here?
LINDSAY
He'd kill you.
EDGAR
Exactly.
LINDSAY
So he just never came home from proposing? He just disappeared?
EDGAR
Maybe he moved back to England. I don't know. But he's gone.
WOMAN 
So you're sure a handsome fellow like you doesn't have a girlfriend.
GRETCHEN
Yo.
LINDSAY 
You want L.A.?
GRETCHEN
What?
LINDSAY
Jimmy never came home either. Guess you guys are both pussies. Gretch, he's gone. He must've drove back to England.
GRETCHEN
Whoa. Okay. Thanks.
WOMAN 
I saw everything!
MAN
Since this is obviously over, I'll just be honest. I was gonna bang that chick.
GRETCHEN
Okay.
LINDSAY
So, what would you say your most pressing style needs are right now?
ACTOR
Trends. I need to be told what the trends are going to be. Like what are people wearing in Japan next year? Hmm? Also, been really feeling poopy pants these days. No autographs. Uh-uh. You need to go!
GRETCHEN
Hi! You guys are out of Goldfish, by the way.
PRISCILLA
Can I help you?
LINDSAY
Um, sorry. That's my. Sorry. What are you doing?
GRETCHEN
I tried to go outside, but it's boring as shit.
LINDSAY
Shh.
GRETCHEN
It's just busses and old Asian ladies with the wheely carts. When did sounds get so loud, yo? Anyway, so I came here. What are you guys doing?
LINDSAY
Gretchen! I need you to listen to me. I cannot be your only person.
GRETCHEN
Why not?
LINDSAY
Gretchen, this is my place of business. Go.
GRETCHEN
But I don't want to go.
LINDSAY
Go. Go. Go. Go. Sorry. Mentally ill neighbor. Thanks, Obama.
BOTH

GRETCHEN
 Oh, good! You're done! What are we gonna do now?
LINDSAY
Have you been out here the whole time?!
GRETCHEN
Yeah, just, like, three hours.
LINDSAY

GRETCHEN
You told me to wait outside. I introduced this cabbie to Jack FM. He loves it! Not that Jack would care. That guy does not play by society's rules.
LINDSAY
I meant go outside into the world. You are losing your shit and moping about your ex-boyfriend, but.
GRETCHEN
Not "ex," he's not my ex-boyfriend. We're still technically engaged.
LINDSAY
Are you goddamn kidding me?
GRETCHEN
I don't know! Who knows?! You don't know! Do you know?
LINDSAY
You are my best friend in the entire world. We share a toothbrush.
GRETCHEN
We do?
LINDSAY
But you can't come home tonight.
GRETCHEN
I can go anywhere. I know, let's go kill someone.
LINDSAY
Focus!
GRETCHEN
Okay.
LINDSAY
That's better. Babe, this is for your own good. I am only going to say this once Gretchen, it's been.
LINDSAY

LINDSAY
I can't take it anymore!
EDGAR
What's wrong?
LINDSAY
Well, I just got done with a full day at work. And then I had night work, and now, I have homework.
EDGAR
That's three kinds of work
LINDSAY
And Gretchen won't give me any space. She Canada-rapped at me. You and me, we have jobs now. We are businesspeople. Edgar? We're the serious ones now.
EDGAR
Oh, my God. I miss them.
LINDSAY
Me, too.
EDGAR
My God, at least use a coaster, woman.

LINDSAY

EDGAR

LINDSAY
 But I'm too busy looking at awesome dogs on the Internet.
EDGAR
Right, that's it, I can't take it anymore! I'm going downstairs.
LINDSAY
Well, I was gonna go down there anyway to take a shower and not wash my legs.
EDGAR
Maybe I'll work on my tree house blueprint. Perhaps I'll add a wall.
LINDSAY
Don't bug me in there, I'm gonna be jerking it to gangbang porn.
EDGAR
I'm going to drink alcohol in my bed and read a very boring book.
LINDSAY
No, pay attention to me. I'm Gretchen. Play with my hair.
EDGAR
Rambling speech about myself, pointed insults, mock horror, extended metaphor that gets off track, and then I call myself out for it!
LINDSAY
Thirstiness, nasal laugh, being gross. Yet another reminder that I'm mentally ill. Thirstiness. Play with me. Come on, I'm Gretchen. Kiss me!
EDGAR
Stop bothering me!
LINDSAY
I'm bored.
EDGAR
All right, fine, I'll kiss you. Jesus!
LINDSAY
Yeah. Well, do me already, dummy.
EDGAR
Ah, fine.
BOTH

MAN
Hi. Is this seat taken?
GRETCHEN
Why, no.
LINDSAY
Listen, Edgar, that was really good sex.
EDGAR
Right? Like, really good.
LINDSAY
But just so you know, I'm really committed to my job right now, and I don't want you to get your feelings hurt.
BOTH

EDGAR
I am so glad you said that because, as amazing as that was, I feel, like, nothing for you. I am all about my job right now.
LINDSAY
Really?
EDGAR
Yeah.
LINDSAY
Oh. Good, then.
BOTH

LINDSAY
Oh.
EDGAR
So, wait, we just had dope sex, and don't feel the need to discuss it.
LINDSAY
Ew. Not at all.
EDGAR
And we could, like, do this again whenever we feel like it- or not- and be fine either way.
LINDSAY
I think so.
EDGAR
Me, too.
LINDSAY

EDGAR
Cool.
LINDSAY
Cool.
EDGAR
Cool. Cool.
LINDSAY
Cool.
BOTH
Cool.
LINDSAY
You know, I could go again.
EDGAR
How about this? An hour of sustained work, and then round two.
LINDSAY
You are so smart.
EDGAR
Pssh!
LINDSAY

EDGAR
All right.
LINDSAY
Phew! This is so great. After all that time with annoying-ass Gretchen, you're not even trying to bother me while I.
EDGAR
Shh.
LINDSAY
Sorry.
TY
Come here, you.
TY
Mmm. There she is. Oh, I missed you.
TY
Divine.
GRETCHEN
Shh. Shh. Shh.
TY

TY