BIANCA CHARLES DELIVERY_MAN FUPA HOST JOSIAH JULIA KELSEY LAUREN LIZA MAGGIE MUTTER NICOLE SINGER LIZA I didn't want things to end. I just don't want to get married, but I guess that's a deal-breaker for him. MAGGIE I'm impressed at Chaz's passion. I mean, I basically thought he was a man-shaped building with a good haircut, and then you brought him to life. LIZA Just in time to see him walk out of mine. MAGGIE Oh, please. He's not going anywhere. You're gonna see him every day, and he's going to see you doing all the things that turn him on like wearing reading glasses or chewing on pencils. He'll come running back. This is just hurt pride. LIZA I tried calling him three times last night, and he just let me go to voicemail. I didn't think he'd be this… MAGGIE No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. You want me to trash him, and then the two of youse are going to get back together, and I'll be as welcome as that short hair in a bar of soap. Uh-uh. No. No. He's great. You're great. This is gonna blow over. LIZA I'm not going to change my mind about this, Maggie. SINGER Oh oh oh oh. I made you look last night, oh, yeah. Last night I made you look last night. Made you, made you look. DELIVERY MAN Liza Miller? LAUREN It's happening! No, no, but she's one of my people. Yeah, yeah, I can take those. Thank you. Oh, boy. Looks like someone got the answer you wanted. KELSEY Ooh. Who are those for? LAUREN They're for Liza. Can you go give those to her? I can't say any more. KELSEY Ah. I don't work for you, and more about what? LAUREN Kelsey. I am in a circle of trust here that you are not a part of, okay? And I'm gonna make sure the shit gets celebrated properly. 10:30. Conference room. All will be revealed. KELSEY Oh, my God. Charles again? God, what will florists do when all the Boomers die? LIZA "Some people care too much. I think it's called love." It's Winnie the Pooh. It's sweet, huh? Oh, it's not from Charles. It's from the benefit this weekend. "Thank you for your support, table sponsor. See you Saturday." Children's Literacy Fund. You know, CLIT. KELSEY That's the name? C-L-I-T? They better hope those kids don't read! LIZA Oh, God. You're right! KELSEY Mm. LIZA Hey… do you have a minute to talk before the morning meeting? KELSEY Ah. Me first. Check this out. FUPA Shame on you, big shots. You have ruined the world. Example--microphone for each person is waste, and ice in glass! Why? Much energy dies to make these cubes. KELSEY That is Fupa Grunhof, the 16-year-old Austrian climate change doomsayer in Washington taking on the House Committee on Environment, and she's in town right now. LIZA She's amazing. 16 and speaking truth to power like that? KELSEY Everyone wants to publish a book by her, and she's turned them all down. But I think that we're different! We're like her. We're women. We are fighters. We haven't lost our hope that things can get better. Oh, Charles is here. That "Arabian Sea" book that Zane left me with is just blowing up, and I have to go pretend to be happy about it. Okay. CHARLES Good news, everyone. "Arabian Sea" just hit the "Times" best-seller list at number eight. KELSEY Wow. Oh, we're so happy about that. Super happy! LAUREN Hi. Crazy morning, sorry. What'd I miss? CHARLES Just congratulating the team on the McCoy book. LAUREN Oh, thank you so much. Yeah, I'm just doing my job. I did get the author on "New Day USA" in the prime first-hour slot on Wednesday. LIZA Oh, that's confirmed? LAUREN Uh-huh. Yeah. I reached out to Rebecca, the booker, last night. Well, reached over, but same diff. KELSEY Oh, that's nice. LAUREN Thank you. KELSEY Really, but Liza and I actually have an idea that we would love to pursue. It is a nonfiction, current-issue book, and it could be a publishing event. It's… LAUREN Oh, my God, hey! Speaking of publishing events, could I jump in with a pitch of my own? It's a love story set in a glamorous arena very close to home. Liza, can you get the lights? Thank you. Okay. Let me set the stage with the characters. LAUREN Love isn't just for the young and obviously desirable, right? I mean, even with people ripening in the September and early Octobers of their years, love can find a way. Love, say, between a publishing titan with very big hands and shoes and a housewife from New Jersey who moved to New York to impersonate young people and learn about memes and Snapchat lenses. CHARLES Lauren, I don't think that's necessarily… LIZA Actually, can we… LAUREN And this lovable, kitten-eared impostor soon won the heart of the boss/slash/hero who, incidentally, believes in promoting from within, and he summoned up the courage to--you know what? I believe that he can say this far better than I can. CHARLES Will you marry me? LIZA Oh, my God. SINGER You take my breath away. LAUREN Okay. Now, we didn't get her answer here on video, but he got it, obvi, and therefore, it brings me great pleasure to present to you, our Empirical family, the future Mr. and Mrs. Charles Brooks! CHARLES Lauren--Lauren! Uh… Lauren, we're not, um… we're not getting married. SINGER Never hesitatin' to…. LIZA We're not engaged. It's not… it's not happening. KELSEY Wait, he proposed to you at Diana's wedding? LIZA CHARLES Uh, yes, I did, and I got my answer. LIZA Charles, I love you. I just don't need a piece of paper to prove it. CHARLES And I love you, and I never thought of marriage as just a piece of paper but if that's what it means to you… LIZA So it's your way or the highway? CHARLES I just--I… KELSEY LAUREN Oh, my God! Oh, right, the cake for the "Arabian Sea" success. Ha, ha! To the kitchen, please. Thank you. So, so thoughtful. CHARLES My apologies for everyone having to hear this, um… Excuse me. LAUREN Oh, my God. Liza, Liza, I am so sorry. I-I got--I got this really wrong. I just--you know, I wanted to make a big fuss over you. LIZA I know. It would have been fun if I'd said yes. KELSEY This is what you wanted to tell me. LIZA Yeah, for days now, yeah, but you were going through own heartache with Zane. I couldn't pile on. So what do I do? KELSEY The same thing that I do when my life blows up in my face. LIZA Kels, I don't want to day drink. KELSEY Not drink. Work. Come on. We've got a writer to sign. LIZA He just left me on the carousel. I must have ridden that thing for an hour in shock. KELSEY Well, clearly his ego just couldn't handle the rejection. LIZA But I didn't reject him! You get it, right? KELSEY No, no, no. I get that, but I'm not the one that needs to. LIZA Ugh. Wait, where are we? KELSEY Fupa Grunhof's Insta says she's holding a composting rally near here. Ooh. Mina Soul Food. LIZA I don't think I can handle chicken and waffles right now, Kels. KELSEY Mmm, you're going to have to. Like, literally. Let's just hope their dumpster's full. Come on! KELSEY If you want to get into the meet and greet, you've got to donate, so we basically have our VIP passes for free. LIZA Well, my VIP pass is leaking chicken guts all over my shoes. Oh, my God. Is that a beak? KELSEY Oh, look! There she is. It's Fupa! FUPA Food waste is 1/3rd of all garbage here in New York City. We can use it to save valuable wetlands that are being consumed by landfill dumps. KELSEY Whoo! LIZA Whoo! FUPA Stop patting yourselves on the back for this! This is nothing. I've seen your portions here. Stop eating so much. LIZA Ha. FUPA Supersize is a sin, and why are there triple patties? Are there three mouths in one face? You are idiots! LIZA Wow, she's incredible. She's like one of the von Trapp children but hangry. Oh! KELSEY Oh, my God, the smell. I can feel myself turning vegan. FUPA You are all dilettantes. Get your hands dirty. Like that person there! Hurrah! Come here, filthy one! Come here. Yes. Show them. It is not about looking good. It is about doing good for the planet. KELSEY Fupa! Kelsey Peters, Empirical Press. This is Liza Miller. Do you have a minute? FUPA Of course I don't. No one does. The planet's dying. It's a time bomb with a few nice beaches. That's it. LIZA Well, that's why a book by you could do so much good in sounding the alarm. FUPA I get a dozen offers from publishers a day. They just care about money. KELSEY I know. They're terrible vultures, but… FUPA I love vultures. Nature's recyclers, but these book people, they know nothing about glaciers or carbon impacts or composting. LIZA Well, I love composting. Eggshells, coffee grounds. I have a daughter. She's in college, and we compost together. I worry about her future. That's why your voice is so important. FUPA They're here! The worms are here! KELSEY No, no, no. We're not worms. We have a true passion for what you're doing. LIZA Oh, no. I think she means worm worms. For the compost. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. KELSEY Hi. LIZA I hate worms. Just the sight of them makes me want to-- KELSEY They look really angry. FUPA No, they are beautiful. They are our saviors, turning our waste into liquid gold. LIZA Ah, yeah. They're great. You don't even have to look at them to know how great they are. FUPA My fellow composter, I want you to do the honors. LIZA Oh. FUPA Into the box! Pick them up. KELSEY Go ahead. LIZA Oh, God. FUPA And now dump the whole thing, the whole box, into the compost bin. LIZA God. FUPA Now, mix. Get in there. LIZA It feels like they could just do it on their own if you just give them some space. FUPA Let me show you. LIZA Oh, my God. FUPA Oh. See it's fun. LIZA Yeah. FUPA Sometimes they break in the middle, but they don't care. LIZA Uh-huh. Ugh. FUPA No, no, no, no, my God! My bracelet, it slipped off! KELSEY Well, you know what? We can get you a new bracelet, like a signing bonus kind of thing. FUPA No, no you don't understand! It was given to me by Al Gore and blessed by Baby Yoda's main puppeteer. It's everything to me! LIZA Really? Oh, okay. I'll get it. I'll get it. Oh, God. Oh! Oh… FUPA Danke, mein Engel! LIZA Oh, anything for you, Fupa. That's how much we believe in your message. FUPA I like you, Liesl. We must talk about this book you want. It's good news, right? You look like you want to, uh… kotzen. LIZA No, it's great. I'll kotzen later. KELSEY I can't believe she's coming in for a pitch tomorrow with us. We beat out everyone in New York City. Ah! Today is a good day. LIZA Yeah, it's great. KELSEY You know what, Liza? All I heard is that Charles Brooks said he loves you in front of all of us. That's what happened today. LIZA He did. You're right. Thank you. That feels better. KELSEY Great. You've got a worm in your hair. LIZA What? Shit! Oh, my God! Get it out! KELSEY FUPA Guten morgen. KELSEY Fupa! FUPA I'm sorry I'm late. We had to stop the car and take a straw out of a child's juice box. Oh, this is my handler. Don't worry. She won't speak. Right, Mutter? MUTTER Ja, liebling. LIZA Oh, this is your mother? FUPA Yes. Is handy for buying drinks and voting. Are we ready? Time is a resource, too. LIZA Well, we are all very passionate about conserving resources here, and so are our readers, thanks in large part to you. LAUREN Yeah, I actually only shop organic. This foundation is, in fact, moss-based, and you should check out my Insta. I'm mostly barefoot. FUPA Yech, performative activism. Posting and retweeting, so difficult. Millennials do not want to do the hard work. And books! All that paper. It's like tree murder. Is it really worth it? LIZA Of course we will heavily promote the digital and audio versions, but books reach older people, and those are the minds you have to sway. FUPA Is true. Old oaks must fall so young saplings can thrive. LIZA And this young sapling got one of our authors booked on "New Day USA" tomorrow. That's the kind of reach Empirical can provide. FUPA Tomorrow? I will be on that show, too. KELSEY That's great! Maybe you could mention in the interview that you're going to be doing a book with us. FUPA Yes. Okay. Bring the contracts. Maybe I will sign them before I leave for Davos Thursday. LIZA So soon? Isn't Davos a month away? FUPA I will be traveling there in a zero-emission sailboat. It takes time. Anyway, tomorrow. Oh, and one more thing. A gift for you. LIZA Your bracelet? From yesterday? But that's your most valuable possession. FUPA I do not care about this bracelet. Is a cheap souvenir. I was playing little joke on you yesterday. "Save it! Save it!" So fun. The book will be full of my humor. You make me laugh, worm girl. LIZA Got a minute? CHARLES Uh, yeah, come in. Unless you have a slideshow. LIZA Oh, God. That was horrible yesterday. CHARLES Yeah. I'm sorry. I usually don't let my emotions get the best of me. LIZA Silver lining. We said a lot of nice things. Well, shouted a lot of nice things. CHARLES We're never gonna say bad things about each other, are we? LIZA No. But how do we manage around here? We can't have a scene like that again. I've got some vacation saved up. Maybe I should take it now. CHARLES We can find a way to work together, regardless of what's happening between us. And you're needed around here. Not just by me. LIZA I just--I don't know what the rules are. Are we allowed to have lunch together? Dinner? Free tonight? Now, for instance? CHARLES Uh, I am seeing Bob and Julia tonight. LIZA Oh. Well, tell them I said hi. CHARLES I will. But Saturday is the Children's Literacy Fund. We still have a table, right? LIZA Yes. CHARLES The girls have it on the kitchen calendar. So we'll see you there. LIZA Oh, great. Good. Okay. Well, good night. CHARLES Good night. JOSIAH Not to say that women aren't important. I like women, and I write them well. So I've been told by women. KELSEY Wow. Not every guy can manspread and mansplain at the same time. LAUREN Oh, my God. I know. He needs some kind of award like a Manny. Oh, my God, no. A Teste. FUPA I insist on very small print, understand? To save trees. On paperback only. Easy to ship. You put that in? LIZA Absolutely. FUPA Ah, Liesl. I can tell you have a deep sadness, no? I like sad people because they know we are doomed. Oh, is this your author? JOSIAH A plucky, waterfront prostitute who sacrifices… KELSEY Yeah, this is Josiah McCoy, "Arabian Sea." FUPA Ah, is oceanographer. Let me see. HOST Now, some reviewers are commenting on the timeliness of this book because the rise of piracy can be traced to climate change, right? Warming waters impacting fishing economies, forcing coastal populations to pursue a life of crime on the high seas. JOSIAH Climate change? Please. Not proven. It's just weather, pal. It means nothing. Climate change is a myth, a left-wing conspiracy theory… LIZA You know what? I saw some responsible, low-emission snacks back… FUPA This is what your company promotes? I will be in bed with him? LAUREN No, I sent him bullet points. He's going rogue. LIZA You know, Fupa, why don't we go to the green room, and we can sign the contract? FUPA You are a bad, bad man. JOSIAH Who the hell is this? FUPA Hello, America. Do not buy this book, good peoples. But if you've bought it already, don't burn it. That's pollution. There is use for this paper, yes? You know what I'm saying. This is perfect for toilettenpapier! For the number two! LAUREN Did she really just say, "Don't buy this book"? I mean, great. We had a golden goose in our driveway, and then she backed over it. KELSEY We're roadkill. SINGER Call me Lady Renegade. Renegade. Call me Lady Renegade… KELSEY Fupa isn't responding to any of my texts. LAUREN Wait, I'm sorry. You still want to sign her after she just crashed our biggest moneymaker? KELSEY Relax. I highly doubt she still wants to sign with us. LIZA Maybe if we promise to donate the profits of her book to her foundation. KELSEY We can't bribe authors to publish with us. LAUREN Uh, guys, "it's just weather, pal" is trending on Twitter, and Tucker Carlson just retweeted it with a link to our website. LIZA What? LAUREN I mean, this will mean a fifth printing for the book. Hey, I'm just trying to do my job over here. At least we don't have to cry over losing Fupa. LIZA Oh, no. No. I had my arm in a barrel of manure. I had a worm in my armpit. I'm not letting this go. FUPA There is no point to this, Liesl. You publish him, you can't publish me. LIZA Fupa. Fupa, please. Look, I love how strong you are, but sometimes, those strong principles, they push people away, the very people that you are trying to reach. Empirical can reach those people. They'll come to buy McCoy, and your book will be right next to his on our website, on our shelves, like a little stealth bomb. FUPA I am also against bombing. But maybe you are right. I do get tried sometimes, always having better principles than everybody else. Okay. I will bend to have my voice heard. That is good advice, Liesl. LIZA I am so glad. So… FUPA But I will give you small wisdom, too. Adults give me advice all the time, and usually--no, always, it is advice they need to hear themselves. Maybe you don't bend, too? Ah, but what do I know? I'm just a 16-year-old girl who's saving the world. Mutter! The pink suitcase goes on top! JULIA Poor Liza. Poor Charles. He told us the whole story the other night at dinner. LIZA Oh? What did he say? JULIA That you two wanted different things. We're so sorry. Oh. Bob is waving me over. We'll talk later. KELSEY Okay, you can look that sad at a CLIT party. LIZA She's one of Charles' best friends, and she thinks it's over. KELSEY What do you think? LIZA Well, look at him. He's here, and I think he's still… Maybe I'm wrong, but I'm an editor. I know endings, and it doesn't seem like that's where we are. At the end. KELSEY Go turn the page, and find out. LIZA Hey. CHARLES Hi. LIZA Thanks for being here. CHARLES Lucky me. I won everything that I bid on at the silent auction. LIZA You overbid. You always do at these charity things. It's 'cause you're one of the good guys. CHARLES Hm. LIZA Charles. Can we compromise on the whole marriage thing? CHARLES Compromise how? LIZA I think I was wrong to say never. It's how I feel now, but who knows? In time, maybe I change my mind, or maybe you do, but let's give ourselves that time. And if we each bend a little… CHARLES Liza. I've had to bend a lot to be with you ever since we met. You never asked me to, but I walked away from my company for you, and I had to bend on the custody agreement, time with my girls, 'cause Pauline was so upset about your lie. So if I bend any more, I'm gonna break. LIZA That's not what I'm asking. CHARLES We just want different things. I realize that now, and there are no villains here. Hard as it is, it's best we both move on. With respect, not with anger. LIZA But if we still love each other… NICOLE I found her. We can go. BIANCA Can you come spend the night, Liza? You can make pancakes tomorrow. Daddy's aren't as good. LIZA You know I would love to see you. BIANCA See, Daddy? She wants to come. You're just being mean. NICOLE He's not being mean. I mean, he brought us here, didn't he? He didn't want to come, but you begged him, so he's not being mean. LIZA I couldn't come anyway. I have things tomorrow. CHARLES Come on, girls. Goodbye, Liza. LIZA Wait! We didn't say goodbye. Come here. Okay. Promise me if you come to the office, you'll come say hi, okay? And the secret to the batter is the chocolate chips. I hid a bag behind the flour. CHARLES See you Monday. SINGER Ah ah ah ah. KELSEY Liza. SINGER Oh oh oh oh. Oh oh oh oh.