ALL CAITLIN CHARLES DIANA DONNA EMILY JAY KELSEY LAUREN LIZA MAGGIE ZANE KELSEY I can't believe this turnout. We have a hit on our hands. EMILY I predicted this. I told you I had a special dog. KELSEY You had a special editor. Liza rewrote every page of this book. Gave it a point of view. Wit. Irony. EMILY I know. I know. LIZA We did our job too well. This was supposed to die a quiet death. KELSEY I know. LIZA Hi. KELSEY Hey, Amazon just sold out of stock. LIZA What? KELSEY And Zane just tweeted. LIZA Ouch. I thought he liked you. KELSEY No, he does. He's flirt-fighting. My move. I gotta bite back hard. LIZA Uh, why is Pearl's lipstick out? Wait, why does Pearl even have a lipstick? Emily? EMILY This is Pearl II. Gary. Pearl's son. And lover too, but that's dogs. He just peed off his dog merkin again. Put on the backup. It's Velcro, but really get in there and rub hard. KELSEY Oh, no, no, no. You gotta-you gotta do that. LIZA KELSEY Liza. LIZA Hello. DIANA Congratulations. Your Labradoodle book is starting a trend. We've been getting submissions all morning. Deep thoughts from puppies. Kittens. Weasels. LIZA I have three horses, a gecko, and two hamsters here. DIANA I had a hamster once when I was a child. Sad story. Apparently you can't blow-dry them on High. Well, ladies, you've strapped yourselves to a bomb. Might as well enjoy the ride. CHARLES Still hard to believe this is a Millennial title. A novelty book about a dog philosopher. LIZA Kelsey did not want to publish it. I made her. CHARLES That is going to save our company. LIZA What? KELSEY How is it gonna save our company? CHARLES We're half a million apart on L.L. Moore's new contract. These sales might help bridge the gap. LIZA KELSEY We are happy to go slightly off-brand for one book if it's gonna help Empirical. Nothing we can't walk back with our next book. CHARLES Walk back? Run towards it! Apparently young people want to read about what their pets are thinking. So, uh, let's scratch that itch. LIZA Okay. Got through almost half the animal kingdom, so... DIANA Ugh, Richard. Who says "I love you" in a text? What am I supposed to say back to that? "I know. Thank you." LIZA That's an option. DIANA It doesn't cost anything to be polite, Liza. Your generation could learn that. That reminds me: I have to get Charles a birthday present. He always says mine are his favorite. Not out loud, but there's such a thing as subtext. LIZA Okay, uh, Charles, birthday. Um, any ideas? DIANA Uh, just one. Have my assistant do it. Be in my office at noon, and I want choices. MAGGIE I thought we were going to dinner. LAUREN This is me post-Max, okay? I'm single again and oozing sex. I'm not gonna waste that on a gay waiter. I'm back, ladies! Yes! You're welcome! Come on, Maggie. You need this too, all right? We'll wing-woman each other. LAUREN Ugh, Kelsey's got a Twitter feud going on with this hot editor from Rivington. Let's see: "Millennial Scoops Up Steaming Hot Property." MAGGIE Oh? Ew. Is that. LAUREN Yeah. Yep. That's dog shit. Uh-huh, not even the emoji. Okay, the real thing. Oh, my God. Twitter feuds are so lame. Just go straight to the hate sex, kiddies. Less thumbing, more fingering. MAGGIE Girl, someone's looking at you. LAUREN I'm sorry, really? Where. MAGGIE Over there. LAUREN Is she cute? MAGGIE Mm-hmm. LAUREN Ooh, I can't tell. Um, okay. She's coming, she's coming. Look straight, Maggie. Help me out. MAGGIE How do I do that? LAUREN Just look straight. DONNA Are you are you Maggie Amato? MAGGIE Yeah. DONNA I saw "The New York Times" article about you last week. I love your work. MAGGIE That was crazy, but thank you, thank you. DONNA Good crazy. I'm sorry. I'm Donna Malone. I have a gallery on Clinton street. Uh, Studio 29. MAGGIE Oh, yeah, I saw the, uh, Tala Madani show there. Great space, yeah. DONNA I can't believe we've never met. MAGGIE Mm. DONNA Maybe I could drop by your studio? See your work sometime? MAGGIE Any time. DONNA Great. MAGGIE Yeah. DONNA I'm with some friends and we're about to leave, but if I give you my card, would you promise to call me or text me? MAGGIE Absolutely. Uh, you-you got a little something right here. DONNA Oh, is it-no? MAGGIE No, no, no sorry. DONNA Well, you know, it was really great meeting you. MAGGIE Yeah. DONNA I'm free tomorrow night, by the way. LAUREN Okay. She was very, very into you. You coulda fried an egg on that cooch. MAGGIE Did she-did she have a mustache? LAUREN I don't know, wasn't on her tits. Honestly, that's all I was looking at. LAUREN Ah. Wow! These two really hate each other. ZANE Ah. I was hoping you were the pizza guy. KELSEY Right. Like you eat pizza. And yes, I see your abs. You can breathe out now. ZANE I'm up 250 followers today. KELSEY Ha! I'm up 330. I'm winning. ZANE Mm, not really. I'm upping your stock, not the other way around. KELSEY I see what I'm upping. Unless that's for the pizza guy. LIZA I wish I could have been there, but no one wants a mom on a class trip. CAITLIN Anyway, you live here. You can go to The Whitney any day of the week. LIZA CAITLIN But I'm beat. I can't wait to get on that train and sleep. LIZA You do look pale. Are you done with the antibiotics? You took the whole bottle, right? CAITLIN You're totally Mom-ing out on me. LIZA Well, you had your appendix out. That's a major surgery. CAITLIN Mm, I'm not the walking wounded; you are. And you're just avoiding the topic--the breakup, Josh. Are you okay? LIZA Yes. We're good. I see him around. CAITLIN Was it the age thing? LIZA Pretty much. CAITLIN Figured. It's too bad. I liked him. LIZA So did I. But we're friends. CAITLIN So now you get to be the older, wiser maternal figure who listens to his problems with his new girlfriends. LIZA CAITLIN That sucks. LIZA What time is your train again? CAITLIN Right, um, I should use the restroom here, 'cause the ones at Grand Central get too much traffic. I hate a warm seat. LIZA Wait, you actually sit down? Oh, God, I failed you as a mother. CAITLIN Be right back. And I know exactly how much chocolate cake is left. JAY Liza Miller, right? Jay... Mallick. We met at Bonfire? LIZA Right. Hi, Jay! From Macmillan. Hi. JAY You are embarrassed because you never called me back. LIZA Oh, no, yes, maybe. I don't know. You know, but I'm happy at Empirical. I was just having a bad day that day that we met. JAY Right. Hey, may I? Um. JAY There. JAY Now I have your cell. You know, we don't have to talk about our jobs. LIZA Right, I look forward to that. Thanks. Bye. CAITLIN Come on, Mom. Line was too long. I'll deal. Did you pay? JAY Wait, "Mom"? LIZA That's her name for me, Mom. Because I'm always mothering her. Wear your scarf, eat your vegetables. Oh, how we laugh. CAITLIN Yeah. Okay, I guess she's-she's not going to introduce me. I'm the daughter. Caitlin. JAY Hi. CAITLIN And if we don't get a move on, Mom, I'm gonna miss my train. LIZA JAY I am confused. LIZA Oh, geez, gosh. Look at the time. You know, um, it was really nice seeing you again, Jay. JAY Okay, uh, well, yeah. Well, you know, we should talk. I'll-I'll call you. LIZA Oh, absolutely, great, yes. JAY Okay, nice to see you. CAITLIN Great to meet you. LIZA LIZA Okay, tonight at 7:00. I'll see you then. Bye. Oh, God. MAGGIE What happened? LIZA Ugh, I met this Macmillan editor at Bonfire who thought I was 27. Well, he ran into me last night with Caitlin. And now he wants to talk. MAGGIE She blew your cover? LIZA It was my own fault. She called me Liza once when she was 15. I took away her phone for a week. MAGGIE MAGGIE Wonder what he wants to talk about. LIZA He'll tell me at dinner. MAGGIE Well, I would show up with a baseball bat if things got dicey, but I'm having this gallery owner over tonight. LIZA Is it a date? MAGGIE I'm not really sure. You know, and she's definitely interested in my work, but as far as dating goes, there's one little problem. LIZA What is it? MAGGIE I think she has a stash. LIZA Of, uh, what? MAGGIE No, no, a mustache. LIZA Well, everybody's got a little peach fuzz. MAGGIE This is not a peach; this is a coconut. LIZA Well, can you look past it? MAGGIE How? It's a mustache. And she keeps it on her face. LIZA You're crazy. MAGGIE Besides that, you know, she-she's really beautiful. LIZA Well, maybe it was just the lighting. MAGGIE Yeah. Maybe. LIZA That's cashmere. DIANA But brown? For Charles? It's really more Richard's color. LIZA I'll take it back. DIANA No, I'll bank it for Richard's birthday. Really should find out when that is. Oh, this is too feminine for Charles. Richard would like it, though. He's not afraid of his feminine side. Which is lucky, because there's a lot of it. LIZA What do you think of these for Richard? DIANA You mean Charles. LIZA No, I mean Richard. Maybe you like him more than you think. And maybe you should tell him. I mean, that's what all these gifts are saying. DIANA You're right. It's Richard. And if it is Richard and not Charles, then why the hell am I still trying to get Charles' approval? LIZA Well, he is still your boss. DIANA I have been doing this for years now. Look at me! The hair, the outfit, the sparkles. Yes, it is good for office morale. LIZA Absolutely. DIANA But I have been casting my pearls before swine. No more! Mm-mm! I am turning off the charm, shutting down this power plant. And this year, he can get a goddamn cupcake like everyone else. LIZA Barnes & Noble sales figures. KELSEY This feud has gone national. William Shatner just retweeted me. LIZA What? KELSEY Verified! Like, the-the Priceline guy. LIZA Uh, yeah, and also "Star Trek." KELSEY And it made Vulture. Come see this. LIZA "Millennial Editrix Trashes New York's Best Dressed Editor on Twitter." Wow. KELSEY Best-dressed! Zane totally fed them this. LIZA Yeah, but he probably didn't feed them this part. It says it all started because Empirical stole Lachlan Flynn from him. Oh, he's not gonna like that, is it? KELSEY He is not going to care. It's not fun if it doesn't hurt a little. LIZA Really? Is that a rule? CHARLES FYI, L.L. Moore is giving us some pushback on our offer. So that, uh--that Labradoodle money is really coming at the right time. KELSEY Happy to help. CHARLES And I I heard about your Twitter feud. KELSEY Mm-hmm. CHARLES And I have to say, I think it's unwise, swapping insults in public. So I would shut that down if I were you. KELSEY But it's-it's boosting our profile and sales. I mean, didn't you just help yourself to some of our profits for Empirical? CHARLES So I did. LIZA Kels, Charles thinks this is getting out of hand. KELSEY Of course he does. He's old-school. KELSEY J.K. Rowling just retweeted me! That's crazy. DONNA You know, I'd love to see this in the light. MAGGIE Uh, yeah. I keep more in storage. I have smaller ones hair. I-I mean, here. Smaller ones here. DONNA Mm, oh, and this! I mean, this is. Just.mmm! Mmm. I mean, that's amazing. MAGGIE DONNA She paints, she cooks. Mm! Can we speak honestly? MAGGIE Oh, thank God. DONNA I love your art. And I am going to hang it no matter how you feel about this. But I'm also really interested in you. As a person. As a woman. MAGGIE You just get right to the point, don't you? DONNA Well, you know, I like to just jump right in there. I like to ask a girl what she likes, and you know, if--if I like it too, well, then Okay, okay. MAGGIE Yeah. DONNA I'll go first. I love romance. Kissing, cuddling. Bubble baths. I love bathing together. Hey. Do you have a bathtub? MAGGIE I do. DONNA Mm, warm water. Lights out, just like a dozen candles. MAGGIE How 'bout two? DONNA Okay. MAGGIE Or-or one. Yeah. DONNA All right. MAGGIE Yeah. DONNA Hmm. LIZA So yeah, 41. Class of '96. JAY Well, here's to you. LIZA Don't congratulate me. It was a mistake. People find out and then it's leverage. JAY What do you mean? LIZA I've been pressured before. Blackmailed. JAY Oh, my God. What kind of crowd are you running with? Oh, publishing, right, yeah. All right, well, look, I won't tell anyone. LIZA As long as I. JAY Nothing. No. You don't even have to be nice to me, all right? You can get up, throw a glass of wine in my face and leave, and I will not tell a soul. I'll eat your entrée, but I will keep your secret. Hey, look. I'm one of the good guys. In fact, the only thing bad about me is that I walk around saying things like, "I'm one of the good guys." I'm sorry. LIZA Well, thank you. I gotta be honest, it's been a strain. A part of me just wants to tell everybody and end the suspense. JAY No, no, no, no, no, don't do that. Especially don't tell your bosses. It'll be a scandal. Look, keep your secret. And if you ever wanna talk to somebody who grew up watching the same TV shows as you did, call me. LIZA "Who's the Boss." JAY Mm-hmm. LIZA I had a-a Danza thing. Not entirely gone. JAY Yeah, "Miami Vice." Every episode. Wore a pink blazer in junior high. JAY What? LIZA Oh, I, um--I just remembered who else went to Princeton. My boss. JAY Oh, right, yeah. Charles Brooks. "Upchuck" we used to call him 'cause he couldn't hold his booze. LIZA Seriously? You were in school together? JAY Yeah, yeah, we were in the club. Charles! LIZA Uh, what are you doing? JAY This'll be good. Watch. CHARLES Can you give me one second? JAY Hey, buddy. CHARLES Hey, Jay. JAY What's up, Upchuck? CHARLES How are you? CHARLES Nice to see you. JAY Nice to see you. CHARLES Liza. LIZA Hi. CHARLES Hi. JAY Liza and I met at Bonfire. CHARLES Ah. JAY You know, Millennial is creating a lot of good buzz for Empirical. CHARLES Uh, yeah, yeah, her team is doing great things. Proud of them. JAY Fostering young talent. Proud of you. Congratulations. And by the way, she's not consorting with the enemy, if that's what you were thinking. This is strictly social. Business has not even come up. CHARLES Okay. JAY Uh, I would ask you to stay, but. CHARLES No, no, that's-that's fine. I'm meeting, uh, Bill Merriman from Penguin. JAY Ah. Great. Good to see you. CHARLES Enjoy your evening. Good to see you. Enjoy your evening. JAY All right. CHARLES Liza. JAY Now last time he saw me, I was dating a much younger woman. This confirms your story. See, I'm good for you. LIZA JAY Now "Who's the Boss." Remind me, is that the one with the, uh, employee/boss love story? LIZA Yeah. Uh, yeah, something like that. JAY Tony Danza. One of our finest American actors. "Golden Girls." DONNA Oh, isn't this nice? I feel so warm and fuzzy. MAGGIE I'm not surprised. I mean, me too. MAGGIE Mm. DONNA Are you feeling what I'm feeling? MAGGIE Uh-huh. Plus a little something extra. DONNA Can I ask you to do something kind of intimate? MAGGIE Uh, considering where your foot is, I pretty sure we're past that. DONNA Will you shave me? MAGGIE Oh. I have literally not thought of anything else since the moment we met. DONNA Really? MAGGIE Mm-hmm. DONNA Wait, wait. What are you doing? MAGGIE I'm shaving you. DONNA I meant my pussy! KELSEY ZANE That was great, just so you know. KELSEY I do know. I was there. Were you? This is time stamped two minutes ago. How are you DM'ing me while we were actually having sex? ZANE I had a hand free. Remember? KELSEY Okay, that's it. Let's talk. Or not talk. I don't care. But I'm sleeping with you tonight and not your phone. ZANE I'll get us some more wine and I'll leave these in the kitchen. KELSEY You know what? I think we should actually stop the Twitter feud. My boss isn't crazy about it, and I kinda owe him everything. ZANE Fine. Actually, this is the perfect time for a truce. ZANE We're even. LIZA Hey, happy birthday. CHARLES Thanks. Not a--not a big birthday guy. LIZA I, uh-I should have sent a cake or something over to your table last night. CHARLES Jay Mallick, huh? He's a nice guy. Um, never married. Um, likes-he likes cats. He's a cat guy. DIANA News alert from Publishers Lunch: L.L. Moore just signed with Rivington! CHARLES What? KELSEY Rivington just stole L.L. Moore! CHARLES How did that happen? Is this because of your feud with that Rivington editor? LIZA Well, it's not a real feud. It's. KELSEY No, he's my friend. Zane is my friend. We're-we're more than friends. We're dating. He-he-he would never do that. DIANA Oh, pillow talk. It can bring down empires. Once at Harper Collins, I was. CHARLES Did you let any proprietary information slip? Our latest offer? KELSEY No. No. CHARLES He didn't have access to your phone? Your iPad? No? Yes? KELSEY CHARLES This is bad, Kelsey. Disappointing. And bad. For all of us. DIANA Poor Charles. On his birthday too. Really, Kelsey? KELSEY Zane, are you kidding me? I could lose my job. This is not a game. This is my life. Oh, never mind. Don't call me. LIZA Kelsey, if he did this to you, he is not worth crying over. KELSEY I-I'm crying over my job. Did you see Charles? He's gonna fire me. And even if he doesn't, he's never gonna trust me again! LIZA Yes, he will. He cares about you. KELSEY And this is how I repay him, by-by taking my eye off the ball, by getting swept up in some stupid. KELSEY God, leave me alone. Liza, I'm sorry. You too. I need a moment, okay? LIZA Okay. LIZA How could you accuse her like that? This is not her fault. CHARLES You sure of that? She isn't. LIZA Charles, she is in there crying. She's afraid you're gonna fire her! CHARLES Good. Then she won't be surprised if it happens. LIZA CHARLES What am I supposed to do, Liza? You of all people know how important L.L. Moore is to this company. LIZA People are important too. CHARLES Yeah, exactly. And I've got 75 people out there whose jobs I suddenly can't guarantee because of her carelessness! LIZA This is not like you to be so angry before you know the facts. CHARLES Well, you're right. You're right. You're right. I don't know anything. I don't know how I'm going to replace our biggest earner! I don't know how I'm going to make payroll next month! And I don't know why you're dating a 40-something guy in publishing who isn't me! ALL Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, dear Charles. Happy birthday to you. DIANA Blow, Charles. Or I will. Yes! CHARLES DIANA Yes.