CAROL CHARLES DIANA JOSH KELSEY LACHLAN LIZA MAGGIE MONTANA REDMOND STACEY WOMAN ZANE DIANA Get closer. Lips almost touching. We want the almost kiss, people. You need me to show you? LIZA I had no idea there was so much involved in a cover shoot. DIANA Yeah, well, romance novels keep the lights on for the rest of literary fiction. LIZA Hmm. DIANA The cover is everything. That's it! That's the money shot! Oh, Charles. Charles, come see what we've got so far. Show us some options. That's a good one. Uh-huh. Okay. Sword or no sword, what do you think, Charles? CHARLES Your call. Uh, but let's make sure that we have these models under contract for the next five books. LIZA Five books? I don't understand. Uh, Belinda's dead. DIANA Tom Clancy's been dead for years, but he's hotter than ever. CHARLES Empirical can continue to publish Belinda Lacroix posthumously, uh, at our discretion. DIANA As long as the readers keep buying, we will provide the H.E.A.s. LIZA H.E.A.s? DIANA "Happily ever afters." CHARLES We just have to find a new writer to carry the torch. DIANA Mm. Oh, maybe a torch instead of a sword. No, no. Back to the sword. MONTANA Here you go. JOSH Mm. Wow. Nice technique. MONTANA Thank you. JOSH Yeah. MONTANA So I have some big news. JOSH Hmm? MONTANA I quit working for Maggie. JOSH What? MONTANA Mm-hmm. Yeah, I, uh-I don't really have time to be anyone's assistant anymore because I have a show of my own coming up. JOSH That's amazing. MONTANA Thank you. JOSH Yeah. MONTANA Do you want to come see my studio tonight? JOSH Sure. MONTANA I have to bring over a canvas, and I could really use a big, strong man with big, strong biceps to help. JOSH Yeah, no problem. Oh, my- Wow. KELSEY I've created a giant mess. LIZA What now? KELSEY I have a date tonight with Zane Anders. LIZA Ooh, the hot editor at Rivington? Why is that a problem? KELSEY Because I also might be poaching one of his biggest authors, Lachlan Flynn, as we speak. LIZA Okay, yeah, that's a problem. KELSEY Do I tell Zane or not? LIZA Well, how about not go out with him at all? KELSEY I was kind of hoping for, like, "have your cake and eat it, too" kind of advice. LIZA Okay, well. All right, nothing is certain yet with Lachlan. And the date tonight with Zane could totally suck. KELSEY The date's not going to suck. But I understand why Lachlan wants to leave Zane. His numbers over there are dropping, and he's got to go somewhere. LIZA Well, business is business, and personal is personal. KELSEY Exactly. I can keep them separate. LIZA Sure. JOSH You come out here every day? MONTANA I know, it's far. I just-I really need the peace and quiet to paint. JOSH I just use this meditation app, but this works, too. JOSH Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait, your studio is a mansion in Croton-on-Hudson? MONTANA You're so funny. No, it's actually just attached to my parents' house. JOSH I'm meeting your parents? MONTANA Oh, come on, don't be weird. I'm not capital-I introducing you. JOSH MONTANA Here we are. JOSH Hmm. STACEY My, God. Get a muffler, child. Hi. Baby girl. MONTANA Aw, Mom. STACEY And hello, sexy man friend. JOSH Hi. MONTANA Stacey, this is Josh. Josh, this is my mom, Stacey. STACEY Perfect timing. We were just sitting down to dinner. MONTANA No, Mom, we're not gonna stay for dinner. JOSH Oh, uh- STACEY Josh, I've had to force-feed this beautiful waif. MONTANA Stop! STACEY Since she was in diapers. JOSH MONTANA Mm! We're dropping a canvas, and that's it. STACEY Ah. I hope you like squid-ink risotto. JOSH MONTANA She over-parents me. Just excuse her. JOSH You are just full of surprises, huh? MONTANA But they're cool surprises, right? Right? MONTANA Here it is. JOSH Wow. MONTANA Cool, right? JOSH Yeah. STACEY Has my baby showed you her art before? MONTANA Mom, let's dial it down from an 11 to a 4. STACEY What? I'm not allowed to be proud of you? MONTANA I have to pee. Don't say another word till I get back. JOSH You know, that one, she, uh--she makes a mean macchiato. STACEY I give Amy a lot of credit for working at that--that coffee shop. She is a true artist. She's keeping it real. JOSH Did you-did you say Amy? STACEY Oh. Sorry. Amy is her real name. She changed it to Montana when she moved to Brooklyn. JOSH As one does. STACEY She experimented with different styles in art school. JOSH Yeah. STACEY But this is what is getting her her first show. JOSH A painting with a state on it? STACEY Yeah, the state of Montana. JOSH Uh-huh. The stuff that's underneath the stencil--does she paint that, too, or? STACEY No, of course not. No, it is what is known as appropriation. JOSH Appropriation. STACEY We started off by giving her a few pieces from our collection, but since then, she has assisted other artists who gift her their work. It's a genius concept. She's really pulling it off, and she's all by herself. JOSH Yeah. STACEY I mean, only thing we pay for now are the lawsuits. Let's see what this one is. JOSH Wait. Is that a Maggie Amato? STACEY That poor woman. She was a-a bit of a hit in the late '90s. Don't you just love her work? JOSH Wait. Are we talking about Maggie or Montana? STACEY You are so funny. JOSH STACEY I am trying really hard to get her into the Whitney Biennial because I am on the board, But don't-don't tell her. She would kill me. She's so modest. JOSH Yeah, well, she, uh--she's definitely done a good job hiding this from me. STACEY You didn't see anything. Huh? Act surprised at her show, okay? Amy! It's risotto time! Come on. LIZA I need to find a replacement to write under the Belinda Lacroix moniker. REDMOND My authors wouldn't go near it. LIZA Why? REDMOND Writers who do romance are in hiding, online. They self-publish their sexual fantasies, and then they take their kids to soccer practice and cook dinner for their overweight husband. LIZA Yes, but one of those women turned into E.L. James. I would love to find the next "50 Shades" writer among the Internet sea of fan fiction out there. REDMOND Okay, you got to be more specific. Are you looking for someone who writes historical, paranormal, time-travel, and/or Amish romance? LIZA There are Amish romance novels? REDMOND Yeah. Trust me. It all goes down in the buggy. LIZA Oh. REDMOND You should do yourself a favor and spend an evening on the site "Smart Bitches, Trashy Books." LIZA You sure know a lot for denying you have anything to do with the stuff. REDMOND Well, what else am I supposed to do alone on a Friday night after an entire bottle of rosé and seeing an ex on Instagram with his new boy toy in Costa Rica? Four Seasons. Papagayo. LIZA I'm sorry. REDMOND I'm fine. Next time you ask me out for a drink, make it something good. Okay? Bye. KELSEY I can't believe you brought me to a cigar club. That's skating as close to douchey as you can get. ZANE Oh, come on, Peters. Cuban cigars are pretty literary. KELSEY Oh, really? How is that? ZANE In the cigar factories, workers used to pay someone to read to them while they rolled the leaves to engage their minds while they met their quotas. KELSEY Well, okay. I didn't know that. ZANE It's a tradition kept up to this day. News in the morning, novels in the afternoon. KELSEY Huh. ZANE Actually, that's how these got their name. Monte Cristo. KELSEY No way. "The Count of Monte Cristo"? ZANE One of my all-time favorite books. KELSEY Have you been to Cuba? ZANE Of course. It's where I learned how to appreciate these. First, you lick it to get it wet. Don't inhale, just taste it and let it go. You just got to go with it. KELSEY I know how to smoke a cigar. ZANE Right. KELSEY ZANE How'd you get so successful so young? KELSEY I'm not really that successful. ZANE Don't do that, all right? I want to hear your story. KELSEY Okay. Um I fell in love with books when I was a kid because they were an escape. It was just my mom and I, and we were pretty broke. So, you know, when it came to my career, I had no choice but to be scrappy. It was like make this job work or or else. ZANE The wolf at the door. KELSEY Mm. ZANE Ah, I get it. The hustle looks good on you. MONTANA You're so quiet. Did meeting Stacey freak you out? JOSH No. Your mom's great. MONTANA But? JOSH I saw one of Maggie's paintings in your studio. MONTANA She gave it to me. It was a gift. JOSH Yeah, but does she know you're using it in your show? MONTANA No. She doesn't need to know, and I'd really appreciate it if you didn't tell her. JOSH I'm not. I I was just asking. MONTANA It's not like Ray Charles was mad at Kanye for sampling his music. JOSH MONTANA It's the job of our generation to build on the work of the generations that came before us. If Maggie's a true artist, she'll get that. JOSH I'm cool as long as Maggie's cool. MONTANA Why are you not on my side? I feel like you should be supporting my art and not worrying about your ex and her roommate. I mean, hey, I'm- JOSH Mm. MONTANA I paint on things. That's what I do. I've been very up front about that. JOSH Okay. Hmm. MONTANA Are we good? JOSH Yeah. We're good. LIZA Hello, Liza Miller? REDMOND Hey, smut lover. I did a think, and it turns out I do have someone for you. LIZA Go on. REDMOND She's a short-story writer, been featured in literary magazines, won several awards, professor of literature at Columbia. Never made a dime in her life. You get it. LIZA Got it. The struggle is real. REDMOND We don't say that anymore. LIZA Oh. REDMOND The only reason I keep her on my roster is to stay one with the people who still like experimental, second-person, surrealist fiction. LIZA And she wants to write romance? REDMOND Lord, no! She wouldn't be caught dead near the stuff. Child número three of four is heading off to college. LIZA Ahh. Well, we're meeting authors later today. Do you think she could make it on such short notice? REDMOND What part of "four kids to put through college" did you not understand? She'll be there. Bells. Bye. KELSEY Okay, I am officially not a fan of the girl Josh is seeing. Montana? She Porky-pigged me. LIZA Oh, you're gonna have to help me here. You mean, she has a stutter? KELSEY Just the top, no bottoms, walking around the apartment at 7:00 a.m. with her muff out. LIZA I hate that she even has a muff. CHARLES When were you going to tell me that Lachlan Flynn is interested in Empirical? KELSEY I was coming to tell you just now. I-I got distracted. LIZA I distracted her. I'm a distracter. It's my thing. CHARLES Well, he's waiting in the conference room, and he wants you to be in the meeting. KELSEY Right now? CHARLES Yeah. Uh, good that he's here, but you, uh, kind of dropped the ball on this, Kelsey. LIZA So I take it the date with Zane went well? KELSEY Yes, it did. Now excuse me while I go steal one of his top authors. CHARLES Lachlan was saying how excited he is by Empirical's promise to sell him to a female audience. Kelsey? LACHLAN I'd consider doing pink covers. KELSEY If your next novel can have a female protagonist just as adept as your previous male ones, this market is yours. And I can guide you there. Women who love spy novels will love you. No pink covers necessary. MAGGIE One second! Coming! Hi. JOSH Hey. MAGGIE Don't worry, you timed it right. Liza's at work. What's up? JOSH Uh I got to talk to you about something. MAGGIE Oh, I know. I lost a good assistant because of you. Ever tell you not to shit where I eat? JOSH Hey. You introduced us, okay? But I'm not sure I'm the reason she quit. MAGGIE What do you mean? JOSH Did you know she's got this show coming up at Gray Space? MAGGIE Of what, her painted jackets? JOSH Yeah. I-I mean, she's also painting over other things, too. MAGGIE Oh. JOSH Like, uh other people's art. MAGGIE What? JOSH Look, Mags one of your pieces is in the show. It's weird. She has this, like, whole theory behind it. I don't know. The opening's tonight. Honestly, I just-I didn't feel good about going without telling you first, so. MAGGIE I appreciate that. JOSH You okay? MAGGIE Oh, yeah. Yeah. I'm just fabulous. Coffee? JOSH Yeah. CHARLES I think we have a real shot with Lachlan. You were a shark in there. KELSEY Yay. Well it's a good thing some female sharks can reproduce alone. CHARLES Can they? KELSEY Mm-hmm. Yeah. Some hammerheads. CHARLES That's, uh, super weird. KELSEY Of course he cooks. God. WOMAN If it were up to me, I would do everything Belinda Lacroix did but with much kinkier sex. WOMAN I'm thinking vampires, but they don't have fangs. It's all about longing, frustration, and veganism. WOMAN Picture wolves with human genitals. WOMAN And, of course. WOMAN They get their. WOMAN H. WOMAN E. WOMAN "A"s. DIANA I think I am allergic to these women. CAROL As someone who teaches literature, I would want to elevate the genre, make it more grounded. CHARLES So you mean no shape-shifters? CAROL Excuse me? CHARLES Just checking. Uh, please continue. CAROL I don't know if my agent mentioned this to you, but I can't always deliver happy endings. LIZA Then don't. CAROL You would consider that? CHARLES After the pitches we heard today, we would consider almost anything. LIZA CAROL I know the happy ending is the big rule in romance, but I want to blow it up. It's just too expected. And my stories would be about real love. Lust and desire, yes, but also about the damage that people do to one another. CHARLES And you wouldn't mind writing under Belinda's name? CAROL Writing as Belinda appeals to me because of the pseudonym. Columbia would not give me tenure if they knew I wrote romance. LIZA Great. I mean, wildly unfair about the tenure, but otherwise great. CHARLES So who do you like? LIZA Columbia. I know her take on the genre isn't the most commercial, but it's definitely interesting. CHARLES What about the readers? They-they won't miss their "happily ever afters"? LIZA The readers might be comforted to know they're not crazy if love doesn't work out for them like it does for the heroines in these books. CHARLES It's certainly more realistic. LIZA I am so sorry. I, um-I have to go. My, uh-my roommate is in trouble or about to be trouble. It's hard to tell. CHARLES Yeah. Of course. CHARLES Have a good night. LIZA That seems a little obvious. And was that a Robert Longo? Bold. MAGGIE Liza, she's selling my work for $20,000. I-I only get $5,000! MONTANA Patrick's an incredibly important collector. STACEY Oh. MONTANA Oh, my God. What are they doing here? JOSH Ooh, M-M-Montana, hold up. Mm! STACEY Well, I-I hope they plan to thank Montana for making her relevant again. JOSH Somehow, I don't think she's here to say thank you. LIZA Okay, she's coming over. MAGGIE Huh. Good. LIZA Don't smile like that. It scares me. MAGGIE Listen. I need you to know that I keep a secret stash in the Halloween pumpkin in my room. LIZA A secret stash of what? MAGGIE Bail money. LIZA Oh, boy. MONTANA Maggie! What a surprise. MAGGIE Not as surprised as I am. MONTANA Oh, Mags, I didn't want you to find out this way. I'm sorry. This must look so bad. But I'm doing you a favor. MAGGIE Really? How's that? MONTANA I'm elevating the monetary and philosophical value of your work. If you went to art school, you'd understand. Trust me. MAGGIE That's my painting. MONTANA Mm-hmm. And you gave it to me. I put my mark on it, and now it's mine. That's the point of the whole show. MAGGIE Oh. MONTANA No. Oh, my God! JOSH Whoa! Oh, my God. MONTANA There now it's mine again. MONTANA You told her. JOSH Look, I'm sorry, Montana. I had to. It didn't feel right. You were assisting Maggie just to get her painting. MONTANA You only slept with me just so you could hurt your ex. I cannot believe you chose them over me. I'm gonna be such a big deal. JOSH Good luck with that, Amy. MONTANA I haven't been called Amy in, like, a year. KELSEY Zane You're not cooking with the microwave. You're using shallots. You're now stirring my drink. You're almost too perfect. ZANE "Almost"? KELSEY Almost. KELSEY I have to tell you something. ZANE Yeah? KELSEY We signed Lachlan Flynn at Empirical. ZANE This "Vulture" article hit about an hour ago. Game on. I'll get you back. KELSEY What? Wha-you're not mad? ZANE Not at all. You just got a lot more interesting. Besides, we were gonna cut him from the roster anyway. KELSEY Why? ZANE Mm He's your problem now. He's your author. KELSEY Okay. I'll go. ZANE No, no, no. Stay. But no sleeping over. I saw the toothbrush and panties in your purse. KELSEY Okay. Don't flatter yourself. I always have a toothbrush and panties in my purse. I'm a New Yorker. ZANE Mm-hmm. KELSEY It needs salt. JOSH I mean, I knew Maggie could handle her herself, but. JOSH A switchblade? It's, like, a whole new level. LIZA Thank you for giving her the heads-up. It means a lot. JOSH Yeah. She's my friend. Just tell me. Why'd you have to kiss him? LIZA I just--I don't know. Some part of me needed to blow things up. JOSH Why? LIZA Because I want you to have everything. I want you to have time to decide about kids, to decide when it's right or-or if you want one or maybe even five. And maybe someday I can be that fun Aunt Liza who reads them books and takes them to the beach and builds them blanket forts. I-I build the best blanket forts. Just please tell me that you'll be in my life. Please. Somehow. There's got to be a better ending to us than this. JOSH Yeah. Okay. LIZA JOSH Good night, Liza. MONTANA So does Josh forgive us? LIZA I think he just might. Hey, did you see this? You're in "New York" magazine. They're calling you "The Slasher." MAGGIE Ooh! Well, anything's better than Mags. Ooh. Not my best angle. LIZA "A literal knife fight occurred in the art world last night when venerable artist Maggie Amato arrived at Montana Goldberg's first show at Gray Space. From the depths of obscurity, Amato reminded us she's still relevant." MAGGIE Ah. DIANA "These older artists will not go gently into the night. An Amato show of her own is long overdue." LIZA DIANA Is this woman your roommate? LIZA Uh, she's part roommate, part mentor. DIANA I would love to meet her and see her work. Make that happen. LIZA Really? Uh, okay. DIANA I'm glad to see you're surrounding yourself with older, wiser women. We're good for you. DIANA You can go. CHARLES Yeah? LIZA I've been thinking more about the Columbia professor. She's really smart, but I think it's a mistake not to deliver a happy ending. CHARLES I'm glad to hear you say that. I already told Redmond we passed. LIZA You did? CHARLES Yeah. I'm not going to be the one to deprive readers of their "happily ever afters." They just want to believe love exists. LIZA Exactly. And a happy ending isn't the worst thing to hope for. Right? CHARLES Not to mention good for business. LIZA Good night, Charles. CHARLES Good night, Liza.