BELINDA CHARLES DIANA DIEGO KELSEY LACHLAN LAUREN LIZA MAGGIE MAX MONTANA ZANE MONTANA Hey! Go back to bed. You don't need to be up for me to stretch canvases. MAGGIE Oh, please, some of my best art comes from my worst hangovers. Here, wait. Let me have this. Shit! Never drink absinthe from a food truck. MONTANA How about I staple and you tell me about Josh? MAGGIE Josh? MONTANA You know, super-hot tattoo guy. Wait, his name is Josh, isn't it? He would've corrected me if I said the wrong name during sex, right? MAGGIE Wha-please, tell me you didn't. MONTANA Why? MAGGIE He's Liza's ex. MONTANA Wait, Liza, like your roommate, Liza? What? LIZA Hey, good morning. What you up to? MONTANA I banged your ex-boyfriend. I'm sorry. LIZA Okay. MAGGIE Uh, she really didn't know. MONTANA Of course not. LIZA Oh, it's fine, really. Bang away like a screen door in a hurricane. MONTANA Okay. LIZA Yeah, okay. I'm gonna go to work now. Have a great day. MONTANA Oh, shit. CHARLES If no one has anything else, I have an announcement to make. After a successful early run, including a pair of best sellers, Millennial has quickly established itself as a major player. And while it is already in excellent hands, we think its growth potential is going to require another executive. So it is my great pleasure to announce Millennial's new associate editor Liza Miller. LIZA Oh, you guys. Did you do this? KELSEY We all agreed, you're ready. LIZA Oh. CHARLES Congratulations, Liza, and here are your new business cards. KELSEY Mm. LIZA Thank you. This is unbelievable. KELSEY What's unbelievable is the work you've been doing on an assistant's salary. LIZA I am just happy to work here in whatever capacity you'll have me. DIANA We are so glad to hear you say that. CHARLES There's a-a bit of a catch. We're thrilled to give you a raise and a title bump, but we can't afford that and a new assistant for Diana. DIANA But for today, we celebrate. CHARLES Yes. Uh, we'd like to have you join us for our yearly wine and dine with Belinda Lacroix. 1:00 okay? LIZA Of course. DIANA Call the restaurant and change the reservation to 4:00 and make sure they know about my dairy allergies. Congratulations. BELINDA Associate editor, that's wonderful. We should have champagne. CHARLES Uh, why don't we work on our sidecar first? BELINDA Always he scolds me about drinking too much at lunch. Didn't bother you when you were 15 and stealing sips of my whiskey. LIZA 15? Belinda, how long have you been at Empirical? CHARLES Many, many years. DIANA Many prolific years. Belinda's been writing a book a year for Empirical since the early 1970s. CHARLES Her romance novels kept the lights on for a long time. Before Edward L.L. Moore, she was our biggest earner for over a decade, right? BELINDA And I outlasted that old pervert with his tales of dragons and incest. Where's my Netflix deal? DIANA No one can get past the romance stigma. Snobs. BELINDA And that kind of snobbery is just sexism in a tweed jacket. Men decide romance is silly, and women feel embarrassed about reading it. LIZA What's so embarrassing about a woman being a hero and having great sex? DIANA You should be a feminist icon. BELINDA Feminists! Oh, goodness. They don't want anything to do with my books either, at least not in public. CHARLES We're working hard to change that. That's why I had Liza join us. We are hoping to introduce your novels to a-a new generation of readers. BELINDA And I can't wait to hear all about it, but might I have an escort to the ladies' room? I can get down just fine, but the-the getting up can be melodramatic. DIANA Why don't we have our new associate editor do that? And then you two can get to know each other better. LIZA Oh, of course. BELINDA Wonderful, but we-we-we-we should go quickly. DIANA Right. Okay. LIZA Uh, uh, Diana and I have some really fun ideas about this upcoming book tour, if you're up for it. BELINDA Of course I am. My fans have become my friends. Men come and go, but those women in pink hats, they've gotten me through a lot. LIZA Yeah, I hear you. I don't know where I'd be without my girlfriends. I mean, I wouldn't have this job, and-and I wouldn't be in New York. BELINDA Don't let all the unrequited lust fool you. My books are about women coming together to control their lives. LIZA Hmm. BELINDA Men Are just candy. LIZA BELINDA LIZA Oh. Belinda? Belinda? Oh, my God! Be-Belinda! Oh, my God! What? Shoot. [SIREN WAILS] LIZA She was fine. She was joking. And then she was just gone. DIANA I'm so sorry, Charles. I-I know what she meant to you and your family. CHARLES Did she-did she say anything before she? LIZA The last thing she said was, "Men are just candy." CHARLES DIANA It's a great book title. KELSEY Zadie Smith just bummed gum from me in the ladies' room. LIZA I just saw Danielle Steel icing Janet Evanovich. It's like the who's who of publishing here. DIANA I hate wearing pink. It's like Barbie's dream funeral. But it's what Belinda wanted, so I. LIZA That guy seems to be pulling it off pretty well. KELSEY That's Zane Anders. Rivington brought him in to run their company. "Esquire" did a profile on him. He has a clothing allowance. LIZA He's really attractive. KELSEY Yeah. He knows. DIANA Stop ogling the competition. Barbara Walters. Barbara. KELSEY It's Lachlan Flynn. LIZA The spy novelist? KELSEY Yeah. I tore through all of his books in high school. Is it weird if I go introduce myself? LIZA Diana's pretty much on Barbara Walters' lap, so go for it. KELSEY Yeah, okay. KELSEY Mr. Flynn. Hi, Kelsey Peters with Millennial. LACHLAN Hello. KELSEY I don't mean to fangirl at a funeral, but I read your entire Grant Stone series twice. LACHLAN Really? Now, I didn't realize girls even knew my books existed. KELSEY You might want to mention that to your publisher. We're a huge part of the market. CHARLES Good afternoon, everyone. Thank you all for coming, and thank you all for showing your pink. CHARLES Belinda would be sorry she missed that. I want to say a few words. KELSEY We should probably take our seats. It was lovely meeting you. CHARLES Belinda's been in the Empirical family for decades. KELSEY So we just buried a woman in a hot-pink coffin. I need a drink. LIZA What, dressed like this? It looks like we bailed halfway through a breast cancer 10K. KELSEY Come on, shouldn't that scare you into living life to the fullest? You're 40. LIZA 41, actually. Last week. Kind of flew under the radar. KELSEY What? LIZA Well, I mean, we weren't in a good place, so. KELSEY Right. LIZA So are we in a good place now? KELSEY Yeah. You did what you had to do for your kid. I would like to think that my mom would do something crazy like that for me. We're good. LIZA Thank you. KELSEY Don't thank me. Come out and get some birthday ass. LIZA Birth-I-I'll pass on the ass. KELSEY Josh is moving on, and so should you. That's what you do after a nasty breakup. You got to clear the pipes. LIZA Ugh. KELSEY As long as he's the last person you slept with, he'll be clogging your drain. LIZA That is disgusting. KELSEY Come on, it's not bothering you that he's screwing a girl that's working in your loft? LIZA Okay, fine, one drink. But no weird hipster places where you have to walk through a fake barbershop to get to the bar. KELSEY Don't worry, we'll go to one of your places. LIZA What does that mean? Old, that's what you meant. KELSEY They're only old to Work Liza. That guy at the bar, he's perfect for Real Liza. He is hot. LIZA KELSEY And he's-he's totally hitting on you. LIZA Uh, well, I'm not gonna hit back. KELSEY Why? LIZA Because I'm not getting involved with anyone right now. KELSEY Who said anything about getting involved? You don't have to go collecting an engagement ring from every guy you sleep with. Just smash and dash. LIZA Okay, I think I'm too old for both of those verbs. LAUREN Hi, you guys. Sorry I'm late. Let's get this girls' night lit! Ooh, what's with all the pink? KELSEY Funeral. LAUREN Oh, cool, cool. Slam those drinks. Let's go blow it out. LIZA It's Tuesday. LAUREN No, I know, I know. Okay, listen, I need this. I am boo'd up, and I am bored. KELSEY Lauren, Max is great. LAUREN Um, is he? You guys, I've been tracking my emotional journey through this relationship, and my sticker system shows it has been grim. LIZA You have a sticker system? LAUREN Mm-hmm, I do, yes. On the days Max makes me happy, he gets a gold star. KELSEY And the red dots are for when. LAUREN Uh, when he repulses me and I want to rip off his beard. KELSEY Okay. LAUREN Come on! Don't make that face at me. Listen, Max's dull normalcy was cute at first. It was, but, you guys, it has chipped away at my edges, and now I'm dull and I'm normal. Oh, my God, I'm sorry. Is this an assisted-living facility? KELSEY Shh. LAUREN What? What are we doing here? Come on, I need to party with some guys who aren't afraid to get weird, okay? Let's go to The Cock. Uh Liza? Liza, hello? LIZA Oh, no Cock for me. LAUREN No, no. It's Cock, like rooster. It's-it's a dark, filthy bar. LIZA Oh, no. I-I'm gonna go home. LAUREN Kels, come on. KELSEY No, I'm not in the mood for a gay sleaze bar either. LAUREN Okay. Well, you're dressed like a drag queen, so you're perfect. Let's go, come on. KELSEY Ah. Oh, my God, okay. LAUREN Liza, hop up front. We'll drop you off at the L on our way downtown. LIZA Oh, no, it's okay. I'll get home on my own. Thanks. KELSEY You don't have to go home on your own. That guy at the bar was totally checking you out. LAUREN Let's go! KELSEY But you know because you were checking him out. Go get some birthday cake. LIZA Uh, champagne, please. Thank you. DIEGO So where'd the other pink lady go? LIZA What? Oh, uh, uh, no, these aren't costumes. We were at a funeral. DIEGO Ooh, so you were mocking a death. LIZA No! It was in her will. DIEGO I'm just teasing. You know, like you and your friends over there making fun of the old guy sitting alone at the bar. LIZA We weren't making fun of you. DIEGO Oh, that's okay. I did the same thing when I was your age. You never think you're gonna get this old. LIZA I'm 41. And I was flirting with you. DIEGO Really? Diego. LIZA Liza. DIEGO Very nice to meet you, Liza. MAGGIE I cannot believe that you sat for over an hour with a hot Argentinean architect, and you didn't even give him your number? LIZA He doesn't even live here. He's from Connecticut. He renovating this old bank building in Greenpoint into condos. I mean, look at this place. MAGGIE Oh, my God. That's gorgeous. LIZA I know. MAGGIE Wow. Maybe you should swing by there on your way to work. Maybe he'll be there. LIZA No. I'm not gonna see him again. It just felt fun to flirt with someone I didn't have to lie to. MAGGIE Uh, you know what's more fun? Sex in a construction zone. LIZA Maggie. MAGGIE Maybe he'll loan you his hard hat. KELSEY Lachlan Flynn wants to meet for coffee. He is not thrilled with his publisher, his contract is up, and we just. LIZA Buried one of our best-selling writers. Way to pounce. KELSEY Oh, speaking of, how did it go with the hot old-the hot guy? LIZA You saw me head home. KELSEY I saw you head back inside. LIZA One drink. He's great. I didn't get his number. KELSEY Whatever. We can stalk him online when I get back. LIZA That's creepy. KELSEY No, no, no. That is dating. Get used to it. ZANE He's about to say he's not coming. Zane Anders. Lachlan Flynn's editor. But you already knew that. KELSEY Sorry. ZANE Don't play dumb, Kelsey. You're too smart for that. I'm actually a fan of Millennial. It's a cute imprint. KELSEY Is "cute" code for "girlie"? I mean, we do skew female, but young women still read books. Young men think they know everything already. ZANE Well, let me tell you what I know. Empirical lost one of its biggest repeaters, and your boss sent you to steal one of mine. KELSEY No, Charles doesn't know I'm here, and we're just having coffee. ZANE You did not put on that sexy little skirt just to get coffee. Nice legs, though. KELSEY You know, not everyone in publishing has a wardrobe allowance. This was all I could put together. Nice jacket, though. ZANE You know, I could be mad about this but you failed so spectacularly that I'm willing to let you make it up to me somehow. KELSEY I could teach you how to market your authors to women so they don't go looking for new editors at a funeral. ZANE I'll tell you what. I need a plus-one for this boring book party tonight. KELSEY Is that my punishment? A party? ZANE Who said anything about a punishment? Text me. I'll send you the party info. Just keep your hands off my authors. Deal? DIANA Liza, I realize you're in a transition period, and with your new responsibilities you might not pick up every one of my calls, but I don't remember saying I would pick up yours. [TELEPHONE RINGS] LIZA Oh! Hello, this is Liza. Oh, oh, shoot. I think this is one of yours. DIANA Line three. LIZA Line three, got it. Hello, this is Liza. DIEGO Hola. Me llamo Diego. LIZA Oh, wow, hi. DIEGO Hey, so I was kicking myself for not getting your number the other night, and I'm glad to see you felt the same way. LIZA What? DIEGO Well, my security camera spotted a tall, beautiful 41-year-old woman from Empirical Publishing peeking into my windows this morning. Now, if you wanted to see the place, I'd be happy to show it to you. LIZA Oh, that's. DIEGO How about tonight after work? LIZA Um I mean, I'm not sure what time I'll be done here. DIEGO Liza, you don't need to make a down payment. It's just a tour. LIZA Sure. That sounds great. Why not? DIEGO All right, perfect, then it's a date. LIZA It's a tour. DIEGO Whatever you say. MAGGIE I have never felt more productive. You know, before you started, I usually made these things sometime around noon. MONTANA Happy to help. MAGGIE I was thinking maybe we could knock out the gold leafing tomorrow. MONTANA Mm-hmm. MAGGIE Are you okay? MONTANA I can't be your assistant anymore. I'm so sorry. I've had so much fun, and I've learned so much. I just-I need to focus on my own work and. MAGGIE And you feel bad about Josh and Liza. MONTANA I feel terrible whenever I see her. She's so jumpy around me. Do you hate me? MAGGIE Of course not, but don't hate me 'cause I can't pay you till after my show. MONTANA You really do not have to pay me anything. This was such an incredible experience. MAGGIE We'll figure something out. I mean, if I sell enough pieces. MONTANA Trust me, you are gonna sell all of these. MAGGIE You think? MONTANA Oh, my God. I wish I could afford one of your pieces. I'm gonna be missing spending time with my little warrior nymphs every day. MAGGIE Hey, why don't you take it? MONTANA Stop. That-don't tease me. MAGGIE No, no, no. I-I insist. You've done such a great job here and- You know what? It's a gift. MONTANA Aah! Thank you! MAGGIE You're welcome. And just so we're on the same page. MONTANA You do not have to pay me! MAGGIE I'm gonna miss you. MAX This is so nice. I never want to leave this room. But I got surgery. LAUREN Mm-hmm. MAX Mmm. LAUREN MAX Missed you. LAUREN Ah! LAUREN Hmm, whatever. MAX Missed you again. LAUREN Aah! Oh, my God, hi. MAX What's this? LAUREN Nothing. It's my stupid bullet journal. I don't know. Audrey Gelman was doing it. It doesn't even-I don't really even get it. MAX You've been grading me? LAUREN It's nothing. Honestly, Max, it doesn't mean anything. It's just a silly, neurotic exercise. MAX Look at all these red dots. You've been miserable and re-repulsed! I repulse you? LAUREN No. No, you-no. Okay, listen, this is about me. Okay, this is not about you. MAX That's what people say when they want to break up. LAUREN Uh Well, you said that, not me. MAX Got ya. LAUREN Oh. LIZA Wow, it's so beautiful. DIEGO Oh, thanks. LIZA And very unique. DIEGO Yeah, a lot of the new buildings around here, they're like shiny hotels. LIZA Ha. DIEGO I wanted to do something a little more old-school. You know, that's, uh, more my style. LIZA This bedroom's a little big for its britches. DIEGO Yeah. No, sometimes when I'm too tired to drive back to Connecticut, I just crash here. Plus, the view is not too bad. LIZA Ooh, the old pencil factory. DIEGO No, no, no, no, you got to be at the right angle. Come here. Trust me. LIZA DIEGO Can you see it? LIZA Uh, almost. DIEGO Almost. Oh! LIZA Aah! DIEGO Oh, my goodness. LIZA Did you mean to do that? DIEGO Nah. Yeah. DIEGO Did you mean to do that? KELSEY I'm not even really cold. I just really like this jacket. Exactly how much is your clothing allowance? ZANE Now, that is so sexist. You would never ask a woman that question. KELSEY I had fun tonight. ZANE You sound surprised. KELSEY Not surprised. Staggered. Shocked, stunned. ZANE Oh, stop flattering me. KELSEY ZANE I'm this way. Let me call you and my jacket a lift. KELSEY Oh, no, here. ZANE I'll get it next time. KELSEY Next time? ZANE You went a whole night without trying to ruin me professionally. You win another date. If you'd like to, I mean. KELSEY I'd like to. ZANE All right, let me get you a car. KELSEY You know, "Esquire" was right about one thing. You are a gentleman. I can get my own car. ZANE All right. Good night. Uh, try not to be so obvious watching me walk away this time. If I can be a gentleman, you can try to be a lady. KELSEY Go. LIZA What? DIEGO Come on, are you sure you're over 40? LIZA Mm. DIEGO 'Cause last night sitting in the bar, I could have sworn you and your friends were just giggly young girls. LIZA It's just the perks of a pink dress. DIEGO Well, you're not wearing anything now. LIZA Hmm. DIEGO Mm. Come here. Mmm. LIZA Can you keep a secret? DIEGO I can try. LIZA Okay. I don't usually tell people this, but at work, my bosses think I'm 27. DIEGO And why do they think that? LIZA Because it's what I told them. DIEGO Hmm, interesting. That and your youthful beauty. LIZA No. That was the only way I could get a job-lying about my age. Now everyone at work thinks I'm a millennial instead of a almost-divorced mother of a college student. DIEGO "Almost-divorced"? LIZA It's-long story. It's all over but the paperwork. DIEGO Mm. Yeah, if you say so. LIZA No, I'm serious, we're done. DIEGO No, I believe you. Besides, it would be hypocritical of me to be upset. LIZA You're married? DIEGO You're married. LIZA I-mine's over. Is yours over? DIEGO Uh. LIZA Oh, my God, please tell me you don't have kids. DIEGO What? I-I don't see what the big deal is. You're 27 at work, and I'm single in New York. LIZA Hey, what's going on? MAGGIE Oh, we needed a girls' night. How was your date? LIZA Ugh, I don't want to talk about it. MAGGIE Oh. LIZA Lauren, are you okay? LAUREN KELSEY She doesn't want to talk about it either. LAUREN MAGGIE You know what? We'll get back to reality tomorrow. Come on, sit, we're gonna watch "The Crown."