ALVIN ANDRE ANDY ARCADE_CROWD BASKETBALL_CROWD BIG_BABY BLAKE BOY BRIAN_LEE CHRIS CHRIS_ET_JADA CLINIC_CROWD CLIPPERS CLIPPERS_FANS CLIPPERS_WARRIORS CLIPPER_DARRELL CLIPPER_EIGHT CLIPPER_FIVE CLIPPER_FOUR CLIPPER_NINE CLIPPER_ONE CLIPPER_SEVEN CLIPPER_SIX CLIPPER_THREE CLIPPER_TWO DANIEL DEANDRE DEJA DOC DONALD DRAYMOND ELGIN FEMALE_ASSISTANT FEMALE_ATTENDEE_ONE FEMALE_ATTENDEE_TWO FEMALE_AUTOMATED_PHONE_VOICE FEMALE_GROCERY_STORE_PA FEMALE_HOUSEKEEPER FEMALE_RECEPTIONIST FEMALE_REPORTER FEMALE_RETAIL_ASSISTANT FEMALE_SERVER FEMALE_SPOKESPERSON JAMAL JJ LEVAR_BURTON LUCY MAC MALE_ASSISTANT MALE_ATTENDEE MALE_ATTENDEE_ONE MALE_ATTENDEE_THREE MALE_ATTENDEE_TWO MALE_CLIPPERS_ANNOUNCER MALE_COACH MALE_DRIVER MALE_GOSSIP_REPORTER MALE_MEDITATION_HEALER MALE_REPORTER_ONE MALE_REPORTER_TWO MALE_SAUNA_GUEST MALE_SECURITY_GUARD MALE_SPOKESPERSON MAN_ONE MAN_TWO MATT OFFICE_CROWD PEDESTRIANS PHILIP PIERCE RALPH_LAWLER SETH SHELLY SPORTS_BROADCAST STEPHEN STORE_CROWD TY VEE VISORED_WOMAN WIFE FEMALE SERVER I'm sorry, ma'am. You said green chili shrimp? VEE Chicken! A green chile pupusa with chicken, and a black coffee. FEMALE SERVER If there's nothing else, you can move onto the next window. VEE What do you want? DEJA Nothing. This shit made my stomach hurt. VEE You never got anything like that? DEJA Did I ever get sued for two and a half million dollars? What do I look like, Microsoft? You really poked the bear. VEE I didn't do anything. DEJA According to her, you did a lot. "Befriended, enticed, seduced, cajoled, cheated." Somebody went buck wild on synonyms.com. MALE DRIVER Come on, move up! VEE What do you want me to do? VEE There's a line! But I didn't break the law. Look, it says right there! Everything Mr. Sterling gave me is a gift. How can she take back gifts? How is that even a legit lawsuit? DEJA Here it goes. She's saying he bought you shit with her money. "Community property." VEE But some of this is income from my work at the Sterling Foundation. DEJA Vee, you really think Rochelle wants to drive all the way downtown, and face you in front of a judge and everything? She doesn't want to acknowledge you exist. DEJA You just gotta run up your little white flag and tell her you're sorry. DEJA It's a red light. VEE, you just ran a red light! VEE I know how to drive. DEJA I thought we were going to my house. Why are you driving west? Are you insane? VEE I just wanna talk to her. DEJA No, no, no, no, no. You said you wanted me to read a legal document, not jump an elderly White lady. I'm not doing this, VEE! Take me home. What is she gonna do when she sees us pull up at midnight, put out tea and crumpets? She's gonna shoot our Black asses. VEE I'm not Black. DEJA Be whatever you wanna be in your mind; you look Black. And even if they just arrest us, you're trying to adopt those boys, right? You wanna explain a fresh arrest in family court? DEJA Hazards! Hazards! PEDESTRIANS DEJA Listen, unfortunately, it is a man's world. God cursed Eve and all that. DEJA But you can still make him do what you want. You need to make him so afraid of losing you, he will do anything to get her off your back. MAN ONE VEE He used to do that on his own. DEJA You used to make him feel all Richard Gere. Now you take the lifestyle for granted. Look, you have been blessed with blue chip pussy. Use it, make him feel like a big man again. Blow his fucking mind. VEE How do I look? STORE CROWD DEJA We need to get you that HD makeup that deflects light. VEE, don't go all fast and furious again. You're gonna give him an aneurism with that ass. But you're 31. Cream curdles. Same as playing ball. They give you 15 years to earn, then you gotta find your own revenue stream. Lean in, like that bitch said. VEE I am. I'm lining myself up to run the Clippers' organization. DEJA Oh yeah! From side piece to C-suite, that classic American tale. Don't take it personal. They pay the Lakers girls $85 a game. It's just not a sector where women thrive. FEMALE RETAIL ASSISTANT How's everything fitting? VEE Fabulous, thank you so much. DEJA Look, it wasn't easy for me either. People think you make bank VEEJing MTVEE Spring Break. Three summers in South Padre Island, and I didn't even keep the bikinis. All I had was my name and a phone full of rich dick, and eventually those numbers stopped working. But your name is your money maker. People will buy your shit if you-- What are you doing? VEE They won't miss them. They cost a dollar to make, and they charge $200. With that kind of margin, do you think this hurts them? Do you think 2.5 million hurts Shelly Sterling? There's no such thing as stealing from a rigged game. Shelly Sterling is the one who steals. She rips off her tenants and she barely pays taxes. Anyway, I'm paying for this. ARCADE CROWD BOY Clippers curse. CHRIS What'd you say? BOY My dad says you're cursed. Messed up the chance to draft Scottie Pippen, Reggie Miller, and Kobe Bryant. Every time you did get a good player, they got hurt. Danny Manning and Ron Harper blew their ACLs. Marques Johnson broke his neck and never played again. Your team ruins every good player they get. CHRIS Is that right? BOY Mm-hmm. CHRIS Your face is cursed. Come on, DJ. Don't worry about that damn kid, man. SETH Uh, Bleacher Report wants to profile DeAndre on how he turned his free throw game around. DONALD SETH GQ wants something on JJ's hair cut? DONALD They say he didn't have his legs on when he killed her. DOC They can do that without talking to the players. No press until we get through the playoffs. DONALD How does that work? Maybe he's fast, even on his stumps. DONALD Hello, Doc? I'm talking about Oscar Pistorius! He shot his girlfriend through a bathroom door. DOC Listen, we have to keep it predictable. DOC These guys are freaks for routine. CP has to do everything in threes, or he gets very fucking nervous. CHRIS ET JADA DOC If JJ doesn't have a baked potato at exactly 4:30, he can't even fucking walk straight. MALE MEDITATION HEALER DOC Let's bring in meditation trainers, like Oprah did with her company. Create an impenetrable dome of mental stability. DONALD The gay kid from MSNBC. He can deny it all he wants. He's obviously Sinatra's son. MALE SAUNA GUEST DONALD Google it, google the eyes. Did we get disconnected? SETH DONALD Goddamn touch screens. DOC Donald, I'm here. DONALD You're a deep well. In your head a lot. A lone hand, like the Batman. SETH DONALD I'm the opposite, very social, love to talk, to laugh, to touch. ALVIN You can think while this is going on? DONALD Some might think we wouldn't get along! SETH You were saying, Doc, about the, uh, dome of stability? DOC We're not cramming for a math test, man. It's the playoffs, our guys need to be human Xanax. Even with three seconds on the game clock, even with 12 million people watching, even with the most prolific shit talkers in the world passionately devoted to making them trip on their dicks. DONALD " America, God shed his grace on thee In brotherhood..." TY How long does he usually go on? DONALD That's what this country is all about. DOC Like, 20 minutes? SETH Eh, sometimes an hour. FEMALE ASSISTANT Sometimes all day. DONALD And I think of you as a kind of brother. DONALD An Indiana guy with very long arms, half a freak. SPORTS BROADCAST DOC Yeah, I don't know who you're talking about. DONALD He can pick his toes without bending down, come on, you know who I'm talking about. MALE SPOKESPERSON Getting to know her-- DONALD Where's SportsCenter? I just saw him. DOC Call Gary, Donald. FEMALE SPOKESPERSON One of the first cosmetic ingredients to receive FDA approval... DOC I don't want to get into trades until we're closer to the deadline. DONALD My dermatologist says everybody's looking at this guy, everybody. DOC Can you turn it down? FEMALE SPOKESPERSON The mechanism of the action involves... DOC I'm going deaf on my end. DONALD I got this peckerhead put new surround sound in, now nothing works. BRIAN LEE Tonight, Joe Piscopo and his lady love... DOC Donald, just put your thoughts in an email. I gotta go. DONALD Jesus, what happened to Joe Piscopo? BRIAN LEE Comedian Joe Piscopo swaps with another known entertainer. DONALD He looks embalmed. BRIAN LEE Roundtable... VEE Mr. Sterling. DONALD Jesus Christ! What's wrong with you? Don't you see I'm in the middle of something? Hello, Doc? Now look, you cut me off. WIFE Well, I can tell you this. Things... DONALD You're not gonna understand because you don't do anything with your life, but certain business relationships require a personal touch. VEE I needed to see you. I tried ringing the doorbell, but you didn't answer. DONALD Did you swallow your fucking key? DONALD What are you doing? Get up! You're embarrassing yourself. What is this? VEE Everything you bought me. I'm giving it back. I didn't know it was community property. DONALD I don't know what that means, co-- community property. You're not being clear. VEE Remember where we got these? The Beverly Wilshire, the Pretty Woman hotel. Remember at CUT, I didn't even know that when you order a steak, it doesn't come with a potato or anything? DONALD Vee� VEE I was scared to use the hotel robe because I thought they might charge you. And then you picked out these, and you said they made my smile look so white. The ones I'd had in were yellow topaz from Claire's Accessories. I had nothing when I met you. You saved my life. DONALD A beautiful girl shouldn't worry about where the money comes from. It makes me happy to give it to you. VEE That's not what Mrs. Sterling thinks. She thinks I'm a thief. DONALD Why do you worry about what Shelly thinks? VEE She's suing me. DONALD She's not gonna go through with it. Honey, come here. Come here. Now, what are you scared of? Hmm? Tell me. VEE I'm scared she's going to take everything away. How am I going to survive? How am I going to live without you? DONALD Shh, shh, shh. I'm not going anywhere. I'll talk to her. I'll make it all go away. VEE Okay, I love you. SHELLY What's she doing here? DONALD I love you, beautiful. Now, go . DONALD Shelly! SHELLY DONALD What is this? Are you nuts? SHELLY Sixty years. I have worked so hard to pretend we had a normal life for 60 years. DONALD Stop and think what you're doing. Why don't you take a pill? These are cherished memories! SHELLY These are make-believe! Two people playing house and meanwhile you're out flaunting your girls all over town. So everybody knows how pathetic I am. DONALD Nobody thinks that! Everybody loves you! SHELLY Everybody but you. DONALD Ow! SHELLY I protect you, I hide your mess, and what do I get? You bring it right back to my front door, letting her come here in the middle of the night. Why did you come here? DONALD I wanted to see you. SHELLY Liar. DONALD She's just a kid! You're my girl. SHELLY She's your girl. You don't stroke my hair or pull me onto your lap. You don't sleep in my bed. DONALD Honey, you're jealous? SHELLY Everybody has always wanted a piece of you. When I came to Roosevelt, it was Donny, Donny, Donny, Mr. Personality. Captain of the gymnastics team. And then I saw you in your white shorts on the parallel bars, I was jealous of the idea of any other girl having you. DONALD Shelly, such passion. SHELLY If I was smart, I'd go out and get my own VEE, but you're still that boy on the parallel bars to me. I don't want anybody else. DONALD I'm your husband. I'm always going to be... my little turtle shell. DONALD STORE CROWD FEMALE GROCERY STORE PA Cashier needed up front. Cashier needed up front. DOC Elgin. ELGIN Hi, Doc. DOC How are you, sir? You look... ELGIN Let's not get into saying things we don't mean. DOC No, you do. ELGIN I hear you've been able to do great things with the team. DOC Have you had a chance to watch us? ELGIN Not really. Twenty-two years working for Donald ruined that particular pastime for me a little bit. How're you doing with him? DOC You know the mood swings. Boundary issues. I mean, he's a piece of work, but I'm managing. ELGIN Some things can't be managed. DOC Hey, why don't you, uh, let me have you and Elaine down for one of the playoff games. It would mean a lot to the guys. ELGIN It's good to see you, Doc. DOC Oh. Hey, man. LEVAR BURTON Hey, Doc. DOC I was expecting you to be this other guy. I changed my whole schedule to avoid this dude. He does this orgasmic breathing thing. LEVAR BURTON Oh, I know that guy. DOC LEVAR BURTON He never wipes down the elliptical. DOC Yeah. I miss my home in Boston. LEVAR BURTON Mm. DOC I got to have a ten minute conversation just to get my car out of valet. They won't let you self-park. LEVAR BURTON Everybody wants a piece. DOC A big, friendly piece. LEVAR BURTON But listen, you don't wanna stick around in this building, you wanna get yourself a place up in the Bird Streets. Keanu's up there, DiCaprio, the bachelor�s like it because it's near the Chateau. DOC Oh, well, I'm-I'm married. LEVAR BURTON Right, sure. DOC Of course, I brought in a decorator to redo my condo. She said she'd never done such an extensive renovation without the wife. Wink, wink. LEVAR BURTON But you're together, right? DOC Oh yeah, we together, we good, we good. Yeah. Although, I do have a habit of thinking that everything is great, and then somebody taps me on the shoulder like this and says, "Look over there, you're totally fucked." LEVAR BURTON It's a fine line between optimism and obliviousness. DOC Oh yeah. I saw a great man today at the market. LEVAR BURTON Hmm? DOC Elgin Baylor, arguably one of the top 10 players ever in the NBA, and he's the first dude to ever really play above the rim. LEVAR BURTON Mm. Mm-hmm. DOC And then he went into the Clippers' front office for a long time. Today, with a discount pork cutlet in his basket, he looked like he'd had a curse put on him. Like something had killed the light in his eyes. Maybe you heard the Clippers are cursed? Now, I don't believe that kind of stuff but today I felt like Elgin was warning me that I had the curse on me too, I just didn't know it yet. LEVAR BURTON And when people tell you that you're cursed, they just want you to fail. You ask me, I think you're doing all right. DOC Thank you. LEVAR BURTON DOC Hey, let me ask you something. LEVAR BURTON Hmm? DOC How you get the line on your beard so tight? LEVAR BURTON I microblade. DOC Oh. VEE So why did Jesse and Leslie invent Terabithia? Think of what was jacked up in their lives that made them want to escape to a magical place. LUCY �Que pasa? VEE Mm. LUCY Ten more minutes and then set the table, okay? DANIEL Okay. FEMALE AUTOMATED PHONE VOICE You've reached... DONALD Donald Sterling. FEMALE AUTOMATED PHONE VOICE Please record your-- VEE VEE Nobody ever passed language arts dicking around on Snapchat. CLIPPER DARRELL Let's go, Clippers! Let's go! CLIPPER DARRELL Come on! BASKETBALL CROWD CLIPPERS FANS Let's go, Clippers! Let's go! Let's go, Clippers! Let's go! CLIPPER DARRELL Come on! CLIPPERS FANS Let's go, Clippers! Let's go! Let's go, Clippers! Let's go! CLIPPERS FANS Let's go! MALE ATTENDEE ONE Yeah, I'll meet you up there! VEE Hi. There was a mix-up with my ticket. I wonder, could you call up to Mr. Sterling, please? MALE SECURITY GUARD Uh, orders already came from the Sterlings to limit VEEIP access tonight. It's getting close to the playoffs. MALE CLIPPERS ANNOUNCER Remember Clipper fans, show your pride for Clipper Nation. MALE SECURITY GUARD You understand. MALE CLIPPERS ANNOUNCER We wanna see you on the big screen, so be up out of your seats, ready to cheer for your team! FEMALE ATTENDEE ONE MALE CLIPPERS ANNOUNCER And don't forget bobblehead... MALE ATTENDEE TWO CLIPPERS FANS DEANDRE You want me to tell you your essence? DOC Andy. ANDY Oh! DOC You all right? ANDY Hi. Uh, yeah. I'm just, uh... just getting my steps in. DOC Okay. ANDY Yeah, okay. ANDY Ah. Ah, Mr. Sterling? DONALD What are you doing here? ANDY DONALD I-If I don't answer your calls, it's because I don't wanna talk to you. ANDY Yeah, I-I know, that's-that's why I came. Ugh. Um, so VEE sent a recording to the front office last night of a, uh, a private conversation between the two of you. Uh, it was unflattering. DONALD Why, what's on it? ANDY Uh, maybe I can come up and play it for you. DONALD Sure, Andy. Pull up a chair. Let me make you an iced tea. Just tell me what's on the fucking tape. ANDY Um, it's, uh, it's a fight between you over VEE's social media usage. Uh, her propensity for posting images of herself with... uh, African Americans. DONALD What does it show, Andy? What's on the video? ANDY Uh, actually, it's an audio tape. DONALD Well then, actually who cares? ANDY Only that, um, Mr. Sterling, uh, the-the picture precipitating the fight was of Magic Johnson, so it might be of public interest. And, uh, you make certain statements about African Americans. SHELLY What's going on? VEE sent a tape? DONALD It's nothing, honey. Andy's giving himself palpitations over nothing. SHELLY Can I hear it? ANDY Uh-- DONALD Jesus, you two schoolgirls wanna go in a corner and braid each other's hair? It's gossip! Waste of time. ANDY So, uh, what do you want me to do with it? DONALD Delete it, you deep thinker. SHELLY What about VEE? She must have meant it as a threat. DONALD Honey, we took her tickets, she's sulking. She's not going to bite the hand that feeds her. SHELLY Andy, honey. ANDY SHELLY You look like raw beef. Come inside, I'll give you some sunscreen. VEE Are there recommended treatments for people who work on camera to perfect the skin's texture? CLINIC CROWD FEMALE RECEPTIONIST A lot of our patients have seen improvement with laser therapy, but there's no way to make scarring totally disappear. VEE I didn't say anything about scarring. VEE FEMALE RECEPTIONIST I'm so sorry, Dr. Behzadi is running just a bit behind schedule. VISORED WOMAN SHELLY Uh, sorry, my lawyer referred me to a Pierce O'Donnell for counsel. Is there an office back here? FEMALE HOUSEKEEPER Nay, he lives in the pool house. PIERCE Oh. Oh dear, did we have an appointment? SHELLY Well, I'm Shelly Sterling. PIERCE Uh, dammit, I'm sorry. MALE REPORTER ONE PIERCE I've been missing calls. Um... MALE REPORTER ONE I'm not lost on that. He had no standing orders, but alerted... PIERCE Yeah. Bert told me that this Stiviano woman has not responded to your suit. Ha-- Do you know if she's retained counsel? SHELLY I don't know. I only know she has recordings of my husband, and Bert told me you were the finest legal mind in America is what he said. PIERCE Uh, Mrs. Sterling, a few years ago, I had a national practice, an A1 reputation. VEEariety called me "The Billion Dollar Litigator". Uh, please, have a seat. And I even wrote a book. It became a bestseller. PIERCE Here, take one. And then, I donated a little more to a presidential candidate than is strictly legal and everything went to hell. Multi-million dollars in legal fees, a 60-day stay, courtesy of the government, at Lompoc. And only by the grace of God did I have a friend who was willing to let me live here. And I think that's why Bert Fields has sent you to me. SHELLY Because you live in a pool house? PIERCE Because I know what it's like to be humiliated and dispossessed. I won't let that happen to you. SHELLY Dealing with VEE has taken over my life. PIERCE She is a bad, bad person. SHELLY I got ahold of an audio tape. I, uh, I listened to it. She made him say all kind of awful things. PIERCE Put the genie back in the bottle, that's what you and your husband are looking to do. SHELLY Yes. But I don't want Donald involved. H-His judgment... PIERCE Murky when it comes to women. SHELLY Murky, precisely. PIERCE Well, it's just you and me, and the detritus of my former life. Why don't we listen to the tape? SHELLY He wasn't himself. DONALD Why would you do that? Are you stupid or something? You want to broadcast to the world that you walk around with a man like that? VEE Honey, I'm sorry. DONALD I'm sorry, too. VEE I wish I could change the color of my skin. DONALD No, that's not the issue. The issue is we don't have to broadcast everything. VEE I'm not broadcasting anything! DONALD Then why are you taking pictures with minorities. Why? VEE What's wrong with minorities? What's wrong with Black people? DEJA VEE You associate with Black people. DONALD I'm not you and you're not me. You're supposed to be a delicate White or delicate Latina girl. VEE I am a mixed girl and you're in love with me. I'm Black and Mexican, whether you like it or not. And you want me to have hate towards Black people. DONALD I don't want you to have hate. That's what people-- They turn things around. I want you to love them, privately. You think I'm a racist. VEE I don't think so. I think you have an amazing heart, honey, but the people around you have a poison mind. DONALD It's the world. The Blacks are just treated like dogs. VEE And is that right? DONALD We don't evaluate what's right and wrong. We live in a culture. We have to live within that culture. VEE But shouldn't we take a stand for what's wrong, and be the change and the difference? DONALD I don't wanna change. If my girl can't do what I want, I don't want the girl. VEE There's no need to get upset. DONALD Don't come to my games. Don't bring Black people, and don't come. VEE Do you know that you have a whole team of Black people that play for you? DONALD Do I know? I support them. I give them food, and clothes, and cars and houses. Who gives it to them? Does someone else give it to them? Do I know that I have-- Who makes the game? Do I make the game or do they make the game? Is there 30 owners who created the league? VEE I'm not going to bring any Black people to the stadium. DONALD Isn't it easy to say that? VEE It's easy for you to say that. I would never ask anyone not to bring someone based on race. It's like saying, "Let's just persecute and kill all the Jews." DONALD You're a mental case. The Holocaust we're comparing to-- VEE Racism, discrimination. DONALD There's no racism here. If you don't want to walk into a basketball game with a certain person, is that racism? MAC And then, what did you do? VEE I'm sorry. VEE I said I was sorry, I deleted the picture, then I gave him a kiss. DONALD I'm sorry too, okay? We good? DONALD/VEE MAC Were you surprised he reacted this way? VEE No. OFFICE CROWD MAC Did you maybe want him to react this way? VEE I wanted to make him jealous. He was taking me for granted. We were supposed to go look at this piece of property, a duplex I wanted to buy to help get these kids I'm adopting into a better situation. Well, anyway, that's not even the worst tape. I-I have videos, pictures. I had to keep an archive because Donald always goes back on his promises. MAC Are you suggesting blackmail? VEE I don't want to do anything illegal. I just want them to drop the lawsuit. MAC That ship has sailed. Now that you have sent that tape to Mr. Andy Roeser, we are undoubtedly in a hostile situation. But I don't think Mrs. Sterling's lawsuit has merit. The cars, the house, these are gifts. Mrs. Sterling may not like that her husband gave you gifts. But if I were to give to Meals On Wheels, and my wife hates Meals On Wheels and is made jealous by Meals On Wheels, what can she do? She can be angry with me, but can she sue Meals On Wheels? No. VEE Then we need to keep raising the stakes until they back off. MAC Look, these kind of people, they just want to show in public who has the power, but what happens behind the curtain, that is negotiable. VEE We need to show them that I have the power. MAC I don't think that is the best approach. VEE But will you be my lawyer no matter what? MAC You are very Hollywood. VEE Thank you. BASKETBALL CROWD RALPH LAWLER Welcome to Game One of the 2014 NBA Western Conference playoffs. DONALD Thank you. RALPH LAWLER Now, the starting lineup for your Los Angeles Clippers. At six feet, four inches tall, number four, JJ Redick. At six-seven, number 22, Matt Barnes. RALPH LAWLER And at six-eleven, from Texas A&M, DeAndre Jordan. MALE ATTENDEE THREE Let's go, Jordan! DEANDRE Yeah! CLIPPERS FANS CLIPPERS BASKETBALL CROWD DEANDRE BIG BABY DOC Watch your man! MALE ATTENDEE #4 Let's go, Chris! DOC Shake and drive! There we go, oh! BIG BABY Breathe! ALVIN Back! Get back! Get back. MALE COACH Yes, sir! DRAYMOND I hurt your feelings? Cr-- I hurt your feelings? CHRIS Come on. BLAKE Come on! DRAYMOND You a pussy, that's what you do. Oh no! BLAKE DRAYMOND You thought you was gon' shoot a basket, with those tiny arms. BLAKE Shut the hell up, man. DONALD Come on! MALE COACH Right there, ! Yeah, ! CLIPPER ONE Breathe! JJ BLAKE Foul! Come on! DOC Time out! Let's go! It's 48 minutes, like any other game, okay? Slow it down. BASKETBALL CROWD CLIPPER ONE I'm telling you, man. CLIPPER TWO Damn, she fine. CLIPPER ONE Yeah, I see it right there, shit! CLIPPER TWO Ain't gonna lie. DOC Phones! Phones! What happens when you miss one minute on the Internet? Scrimmage, let's go, now. Let's go! CLIPPERS TY Set it up, set it up! ALVIN Let's go, boys. TY Right there, right there, right there! DEANDRE Hey! MATT Watch the block. Watch the block. CHRIS Let's go, boy. CLIPPERS CHRIS Come on, man. DOC You're proving Sterling right, DJ. Should've traded your ass last summer. CLIPPER THREE Damn, Doc. CLIPPER FOUR Damn, Coach. CLIPPER FIVE Mm. CLIPPER SIX Check the ball up, yo. DOC What, you need Blake to teach you how to inbound the fucking ball? Let's go! CHRIS Come on, DJ, come on. CLIPPERS BLAKE Ball, ball, ball, ball, ball. CHRIS Stay focused. CLIPPER SEVEN Pass that back, Matt. DOC Damn, you that lazy in bed, Matt? JJ Hop out. DOC No wonder your wife is leaving you. CHRIS Doc. CLIPPER EIGHT CLIPPERS JAMAL Ay, he do this with the Celtics? BIG BABY Ah, hell no. You don't need a coach to be a sadist when you got Kevin Garnett. DOC Oh, you miss KG, Big Baby? That's good, 'cause when he found out you were coming out here, he asked me when I was finally gonna send your ass to Jenny Craig. CLIPPERS JAMAL Oh shit, he calling you out, man. DOC What? You wondering why you're not a champion like your friend LeBron? JAMAL Damn. DOC Maybe it has something to do with your thin fucking skin. Let's go! CLIPPERS CHRIS Let's go. BLAKE By yourself. By yourself! JAMAL Oh, left. My bad, JJ. CHRIS MATT There you go! CLIPPERS CHRIS At least my wife still loves me. JAMAL Oh! JJ Oh shit. DOC JJ DEANDRE You like when Black guys joke, JJ? You like that game? If you gonna get more than that little forearm tattoo, you gonna have to say the N-word. You from Tennessee, ain't you? I know you done thought it and if you thought it, then basically you done said it. Yeah! JJ N-N-N-Never! CLIPPERS DEANDRE I got it, I got it, I got it, I got it. CLIPPER NINE You gotta pass now. BASKETBALL CROWD DOC Let it go! Yeah! Yeah! RALPH LAWLER RALPH LAWLER The Clippers wore out the Warriors tonight. CLIPPERS WARRIORS RALPH LAWLER The series is tied up, one to one. We'll see each other in Oakland for Game Three. MALE GOSSIP REPORTER That boy, Kanye West, is back in the hot seat. Arrested for sparring with a paparazzo outside LAX. DEJA Snail jizz on your face? VEE It's an illuminating mask. You don't call before you come over? DEJA I'm not calling your stupid ass. And you shouldn't call anybody either. Your phone may be bugged. A lawyer came to my house. Squinty sea captain-looking guy, Mr. O'Donnell, asking about you. VEE How did he get your address? DEJA I'm saying, they're into your records. He was asking all kinds of questions about your past. VEE What did you tell him? DEJA I didn't say shit. I am not involved. But you need to be aware that Mr. O'Donnell knows a lot about you. VEE Does he know I'm adopting Daniel and David? DEJA I don't know. Why wouldn't he? I mean, what happened? You had your outfit; I gave you my pep talk. Didn't you go see Mr. Sterling? Didn't you tug his chain 'til he rolled over like a good boy? VEE He doesn't... We don't do that. DEJA Don't do what? VEE We don't have sex. DEJA What the fuck do you do then? VEE It's not, uh... It's a friendship. DEJA A friendship. Shit. Then you are truly fucked. DOC You know, we win when we execute our plan and communicate, and right now my job as coach is just to make sure they all get-- VEE Shut up, Doc. PIERCE Yeah, I'd like a black forest ham on ciabatta, but do you have something a little bolder than then the Emmental cheese? SHELLY What happened? PIERCE Yeah-- N-- Yeah, I'll call back, thank you. Come in, come in. SHELLY I don't wanna come into your room. I want to know what happened. TMZ has the tape. PIERCE What? SHELLY TMZ. They called me for comment. The paparazzi scum, TMZ. Were you in jail a thousand years? PIERCE Shelly, I know who TMZ is, but I did not give them the tape. SHELLY I know you didn't, but why wouldn't VEE at least give us a chance to buy it? PIERCE All right, we're gonna have to put a PR team together and develop a media strategy. SHELLY I'm not letting this thing blow up in public, are you crazy? No, no, we need to find out how much it's gonna cost to stop TMZ running the tape. PIERCE Shelly, money is not gonna solve this thing. VEE didn't negotiate with you because what she wants is attention. That is exactly same thing that TMZ wants. SHELLY Media strategy, huh? What are you after, your picture in VEEariety again? PIERCE Oh, come on. SHELLY I have never done an interview in my life and I'm not about to start now. And take your bestseller back. Six-hundred pages? PIERCE Shelly-- SHELLY How much is there to say about Art Buchwald? HOTEL CROWD/REPORTERS SETH Hey, Doc. Doc, one second. Um, got a call from TMZ, they are about to publish a private tape of Donald. They wanna give us a chance to comment. DOC What kind of private tape? SETH I don't know, a tape of him and VEE. DOC They're gonna put that on the Internet? SETH Wide world of kink online. You know, th-there's a market for everything. Celebrity porn is huge, even if the celebrity is not aesthetically-- DOC I don't-- Look, there's always gonna be a tabloid story. I don't have time. SETH You literally don't have time. DOC Right, this is an Andy thing. SETH Okay, but I-I will make sure that Andy is on it. It's just we're getting a copy if you wanna see it. FEMALE REPORTER We want a photo! MALE REPORTER TWO DJ! DJ! Right here. SETH I have to to prepare for PR purposes. DOC No. Right. Just get that image out of my head, okay? SETH " Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo Yo, yo, yo, yo baby pop Yeah you, come here, give me a kiss Better make it fast or else I'm gonna get pissed" MAN TWO The Whitest here. All the way. SETH Should get that image right out of your head. Push it real good. DOC Just so you know, TMZ is about to put out a tape of our idiot owner and his girlfriend. SETH Have a good trip. CLIPPERS CLIPPER ONE What? DOC Not gonna be a big deal. JAMAL Like a mixtape? JJ DOC We'll never speak of it again. CLIPPER ONE Girl from Oklahoma? CLIPPERS CLIPPERS WARRIORS DOC How's your shoulder? CHRIS It works. They numbed me up, might try some new shit for the inflammation. Doing these therapies now with, uh, frog poison. DOC No frogs until we win a championship, okay? Now you just keep it conventional. And if it hurts tonight, I wanna know about it. CHRIS Man, Doc, it's the playoffs, nothing hurts. DOC How about that? CHRIS God! I'm just kidding, it's the other shoulder. DOC Uh-huh. Okay, slick. BASKETBALL CROWD ANDRE DEANDRE DOC Play your game, play your game! Work, work, work! DEANDRE Whoa! Whoa! Watch that. BLAKE Watch that. Watch that! JJ I got it. I got it. STEPHEN BASKETBALL CROWD DOC Not today, the refs aren't gonna save your ass today. RALPH LAWLER Bingo! Your L.A. Clippers notch a two-to-one lead over the Warriors. DOC Winning ugly is beautiful. DONALD Doc! How 'bout that? How 'bout that? FEMALE ATTENDEE TWO Woo! PHILIP Tell your coach next time don't make it so close. DONALD After I give him a big kiss, I will. SHELLY Where's the valet ticket? DONALD You took it from the guy. SHELLY I took it and gave it to you. DONALD Well, I don't have it. Why would I have it? Wh-What is your hurry, don't you wanna go to the locker room? SHELLY Donald, we have to talk about what's happening. DONALD Why can't you be happy? Look at where we are! You're worried about a big nothing. MALE ASSISTANT Mr. Sterling, need your car? DONALD Yes. CLIPPERS Shabooya, sha-sha, shabooya, roll call! CHRIS My name is CP CLIPPERS Yeah! CHRIS I'm going vegan CLIPPERS Yeah! CHRIS But first I'm eatin' CLIPPERS Yeah! CHRIS " The Warriors' season Roll call" CLIPPERS Roll call! Shabooya, sha-sha, shabooya, roll call! DEANDRE My name's DeAndre CHRIS Okay! CLIPPERS Yeah! DEANDRE Oakland's in trouble CLIPPERS Yeah! DEANDRE 'Cause I just scored CLIPPERS Yeah! DEANDRE " A double-double Roll call" CLIPPERS Roll call! Shabooya, sha-sha, shabooya, roll call! JJ What's up, my name is JJ CLIPPERS Yeah! JJ I pull the trigger CHRIS Okay! CLIPPERS Yeah! JJ But what I won�t' do CLIPPERS Yeah! JJ Is say my... CLIPPERS Roll call! Shabooya, sha-sha, shabooya, roll call! DEANDRE Okay, okay, look. DEANDRE My name is Doc DOC Hey, give me that. CLIPPERS DOC All right, guys, listen. I love the intensity you showed tonight. Everybody's always saying that Oakland's the grittier team. We're all Hollywood and flash. You showed this town tonight. CHRIS That's right. DOC You have the grit. This is the stuff that championships are built on. MATT Aw, thanks, Dad. DOC My name is Doc CLIPPERS DOC My game is pure CLIPPERS Yeah! DOC You got the curse CLIPPERS Yeah! DOC I got the cure CLIPPERS Sha-sha, shabooya, roll call! DONALD Oh! I'm sorry, Shelly. Oof! Chris, are you gonna put a ring on this finger? CHRIS You know it. DONALD Well, why don't you guys go out? Enjoy the city. MATT Ah, he needs his beauty sleep. CHRIS SHELLY You want an Ambien, honey? CHRIS Oh, no, no. Mess around, end up with that eternal sleep. DONALD Ambien's not bad for you. I take it, and look at me, a spry 70-something. SHELLY You're milking it. He turns 80 tomorrow. CHRIS Hey, happy birthday, Mr. Sterling. MATT Oh, tight. Yeah, h-happy birthday. DONALD Wanna sing for me? CHRIS No, I'm good. DONALD " Happy birthday to me Happy birthday to me Happy birthday, dear Donald" SHELLY You've had too many martinis. CHRIS Goodnight, Mr. and Mrs. Sterling. Go easy on the sleep aids. SHELLY Goodnight, honey. DONALD Goodnight. DOC Your yawn is contagious. You wanna yawn, do it on the inside. SETH I have to interrupt, Doc. It's the tape. It's out. TY The sex tape? SETH It's not a sex tape.