CAVEMAN CAVEMEN GINO JASMINE MAN URBAN_TARZAN WEN_SHI WOMAN URBAN TARZAN Coming up on Urban Tarzan... MAN He just disappeared over the rooftop. URBAN TARZAN Gimme that shoe. Uh-oh! He gets into those power lines, he's dead! Whoa! Whoa! If that boar tusks somebody, you're going to jail for manslaughter. Come out here quick! He's charging! Ah! He nailed me! Back up, back up, back up, back up. WOMAN Sweet pea! MAN It's not a donkey, so I know that's what you're thinking. URBAN TARZAN Whoa! Yo! When wild and exotic animals get out of control or show up where they don't belong, I get the call for help. I'm Urban Tarzan, wild animal relocation specialist, with over 20 years experience capturing and relocating the most dangerous animals on the planet. URBAN TARZAN Animals are my passion. I'll even risk my own life to save them. And when things heat up, I count on my partner Caveman. A reptile expert, and over 300 pounds of persuasion. CAVEMAN Back up. URBAN TARZAN Most people have no business handling exotic animals. What is he drinking? WOMAN Cough syrup. URBAN TARZAN Are you nuts? They can call the authorities, or they can call us. URBAN TARZAN Caveman, don't take this the wrong way... but you smell better than usual. CAVEMAN I thought you'd like it. URBAN TARZAN CAVEMAN It's this new detergent I tried out. Mountain fresh. URBAN TARZAN Yeah? CAVEMAN I think it smells wonderful. URBAN TARZAN I'm gonna have to try that. CAVEMAN You should. Then we'll both smell good. URBAN TARZAN CAVEMAN Yo. JASMINE Hey, guys. We got a horse that's loose in a nightclub. URBAN TARZAN A horse? JASMINE The guy who called said they're using the horse as part of their act, and it's out of control. I mean, it's trashing the place. URBAN TARZAN Send us the address. CAVEMAN Can't have a horse at a nightclub legally. URBAN TARZAN Not without an exhibitor's permit. You're bringing a large animal like that, potentially dangerous, into a public place. You can't do that. CAVEMAN Yeah, yeah. URBAN TARZAN A small area like a nightclub? That's bad news, bro. CAVEMAN Not as bad as a horse head in your bed. URBAN TARZAN What? URBAN TARZAN What kind of nightclub is open in the daytime? CAVEMAN The kind with strippers in it. URBAN TARZAN Yeah, yo, I think you're right. CAVEMAN Let's go get this horse. I don't know what kind of weird stuff they're up to, but a horse in a strip joint is beyond dangerous. Their hearing is very sensitive, so loud music could cause him to panic. Which would be a disaster in a crowded club. Two years ago in Iowa, a horse got spooked by fireworks at a parade and trampled 24 people in the audience. URBAN TARZAN You call us about the horse? MAN Hell, no. Not with no cameras. URBAN TARZAN They're with me, man. They're with me. MAN You can't have cameras up in the club. URBAN TARZAN We're here for the horse. URBAN TARZAN What's going--I hear it. MAN The dude is here about the horse, man, they got cameras and everything. URBAN TARZAN What's going on in there? I hear it. MAN No, the horse is fine. Hey, hey, you can't come up in here. URBAN TARZAN Yo, man, that animal's about-- MAN If I gotta tell you again, it's gonna be a problem. URBAN TARZAN The cameras can hang back. I-I gotta go in there. MAN Now hold on a second. Let me-- is the horse okay? All right, the horse is fine. That's it. URBAN TARZAN Have your manager come up front. MAN No, no. I'm the one-- CAVEMAN They're the one who called us, not you. MAN I talked to my manager. You hop back in your little g ride and get the out, 'cause you're not getting up in here, okay? URBAN TARZAN Let's get outta here. MAN Especially you, big man. We could tussle. CAVEMAN We can tussle anytime you want, bro. URBAN TARZAN Caveman, Caveman. Before he gets hurt, just leave him. MAN Listen to your man there. CAVEMAN You're lucky I am. URBAN TARZAN It's killing me to walk away, but because this is private property and we're being denied entrance, legally, we can't get inside to help. I don't wanna leave it, but what are we gonna do? Let's get outta here. URBAN TARZAN How's your workout going, Caveman? CAVEMEN Good. I just got the shell off. JASMINE Okay. Right, no, we can have someone I'll send right away. Bye. URBAN TARZAN You don't even need the yolk. CAVEMAN It's good for you. JASMINE Hey, guys. Listen to this. We have a capuchin monkey loose in a Buddhist temple. Apparently this monkey took someone's $800 shoe and climbed up a tree. CAVEMAN That's hilarious. What's he thinking, man? Shoe's not gonna fit him. URBAN TARZAN In their native South America, capuchins are known as the Einstein monkey for their high intelligence. They can be trained to operate appliances for disabled people and even in the wild, they use tools and weapons. In Brazil, I saw capuchins fight off jaguars by throwing rocks down from a cliff. Let's go catch a monkey. CAVEMAN Yeah. URBAN TARZAN You know, Caveman, in Asia, it's very common for temples to keep monkeys on their grounds. They believe when you die you come back reincarnated as an animal. CAVEMAN If I come back reincarnated as an animal, I'd want to be Kim Kardashian's lapdog. URBAN TARZAN Yeah, but too bad you're gonna be ending up on Kanye's lap. CAVEMAN Ah... you always gotta ruin everything for me, man. URBAN TARZAN URBAN TARZAN Man, there's a lot of trees here. They go over the roof here. How you doing? I'm Urban Tarzan. WEN SHI I am Master Wen Shi. URBAN TARZAN Master Wen Shi, what's going on here? WEN SHI I have a monkey. He's normally very good. But today he stole an $800 shoe from Mr. Liu. He donates a lot of money to our temple, and it's very embarrassing. CAVEMAN Yeah. URBAN TARZAN I got ya. WEN SHI We need your help to find him back. CAVEMAN Can you show us where you keep him? WEN SHI Come. This is his cage. His name is Xiao Do. URBAN TARZAN Xiao Do. WEN SHI Uh-huh. URBAN TARZAN Oh, is this his lead? He has a belly band? Does he wear a belly band? WEN SHI Yeah, he does. URBAN TARZAN I'm gonna take this, okay? WEN SHI Okay. URBAN TARZAN Huh? WEN SHI MR. LIU Look, my shoe was here. These are new shoes. I have an important meeting to go to. URBAN TARZAN You speak mandarin? CAVEMAN Uh... URBAN TARZAN Tell him I'm gonna get his shoe, okay? WEN SHI Mr. Liu, don't worry. We will find it. URBAN TARZAN Which way did the monkey go? Xiao Do? WEN SHI He just took the tree, and then he just ran up, and then usually he runs around all over the trees here. But then this morning he just disappeared over the rooftop. URBAN TARZAN And he had the shoe with him the whole time? WEN SHI Yes. CAVEMAN Do you have, like, a favorite treat or something like that you give him? WEN SHI Yeah, grapes. URBAN TARZAN All right, listen, we're gonna go back to the van. Gonna get our tools, and then we're gonna catch him, we're gonna get your shoe. All right? WEN SHI Thank you. Thank you so much. URBAN TARZAN You're welcome. This is gonna be nuts. Yo, I got the bait bag already, so yo, gimme the grapes. CAVEMAN Get the peanut butter too. URBAN TARZAN Definitely grab the throw net. CAVEMAN Got the net. URBAN TARZAN I'll check around the backside, you check up front, all right? CAVEMAN All right. CAVEMAN I can't see nothing up there. URBAN TARZAN Man, he could be anywhere here. MR. LIU Ah? CAVEMAN Tell me about it. MR. LIU CAVEMAN Yo, yo, yo! There he is. Hey! Yo, T! He's over here, bro! MR. LIU WEN SHI Xiao Do! CAVEMAN Hey! Come here! Yo, come on. WEN SHI Xiao Do, Xiao Do! Hello! Hey! CAVEMAN He's mimicking me over here. MR. LIU URBAN TARZAN No, don't yell at him. It's feeding off your energy. That's making him crazy. WEN SHI Oh. URBAN TARZAN Capuchin monkeys love to mimic. So when Mr. Liu starts acting aggressive, the monkey mimics that aggression. If we're gonna get that shoe back, I need this monkey to calm down. We're gonna get the shoe. We're gonna get the shoe. Easy, easy. Uh-oh! CAVEMAN Yo! Not a flower pot, a shoe. URBAN TARZAN Yo, Caveman, I'm going up. CAVEMAN Gimme that shoe. Oh! CAVEMAN Oh, that bastard. URBAN TARZAN Caveman! Come around the building! Bring the bait pole, bro! He's going for the tree. URBAN TARZAN He's in the tree! Man, if he gets to those power lines, he's dead! Whoa! Whoa! CAVEMAN Yo, you okay, T? URBAN TARZAN Coming up on Urban Tarzan... Back up, back up, back up, back up. WOMAN Sweet pea! URBAN TARZAN If that boar tusks somebody and they bleed out, you're going to jail for manslaughter. He's charging! Ah! He nailed me! URBAN TARZAN Caveman, I'm going up. Caveman and I were called to retrieve an expensive shoe from a mischievous capuchin monkey. But now the monkey's headed towards the power lines, and saving him is our priority. He gets to those power lines, he's dead! Whoa, whoa! CAVEMAN Yo, you okay, T? URBAN TARZAN Yeah, I'm in the tree. Easy, buddy. Easy, easy, easy. Forget about the pole. I got a better idea, bro. CAVEMAN What's that? URBAN TARZAN I'm gonna use the peanut butter. He's gonna have to need two hands to open the top, and I'm just gonna grab the shoe. Hey, look. Look. CAVEMAN Ah, yeah, no doubt. URBAN TARZAN Look, papa. Hey, look. Look what I got. Look what I got. Look what I got. Look. Come on. Open it. Open it. See what I'm doing, buddy? I'm opening it. Xiao Do, I'm opening it. I'm gonna use his mimicking instincts against him. I'll show him how to open the peanut butter, and that requires two hands. That means it's time for Mr. Liu's other shoe to drop. Come on, come on, open it. There you go. That a boy. Open it up. Oh. Okay. CAVEMAN Oh, man, he's not happy to lose that shoe. URBAN TARZAN Caveman. Sorry about that shoe, little buddy. But you can't eat it. Enjoy that peanut butter. Hey, come here. Come on. Ah. Come up. Hey. Come on. Come on up. Ah. Ah-ah. Come on. Good. Come on, come on, come on, come on. Good. Stay. Stay. Stay. Good. Good boy. CAVEMAN Here you go, Mr. Liu. MR. LIU URBAN TARZAN Good boy. CAVEMAN No problem. URBAN TARZAN Come on. Good. Hey, Mr. Liu. Glad we could get your shoe back for you. They're really nice, man. I mean, this monkey's got good taste. We're gonna put him back in the cage for you, all right? WEN SHI Thank you. CAVEMAN He seems to like that too, so you can keep it. WEN SHI CAVEMAN Yo, what's going on? JASMINE Hey, guys. We got a fraternity hazing gone wrong with a wild boar. CAVEMAN A wild boar? JASMINE Yeah. And the guy said things are getting out of control, and he wants you to get it out of there. CAVEMAN Oh, my god. URBAN TARZAN I know. JASMINE And the guy who called doesn't want to get in trouble with his frat brothers, so he said to say it's an anonymous tip when you get there. URBAN TARZAN All right. Text us the address. CAVEMAN Why they always gotta involve animals with this frat, man? URBAN TARZAN It's so dangerous, man. I mean, those tusks--razor sharp. CAVEMAN Split you right open. URBAN TARZAN I mean, they're at the right height, bro. We gotta be careful--wind up getting a frigging pig vasectomy. You know? CAVEMAN Ah... URBAN TARZAN CAVEMAN URBAN TARZAN I don't know what these kids are thinking. A wild boar is the meanest type of pig. You don't want to mess with this animal. Their tusks are actually razor-sharp canine teeth that never stop growing. The boar grinds these tusks into cutters that could slice through flesh like butter. B.P. Yes? URBAN TARZAN Hey, what's up, man? We're here for the boar. The wild boar. B.P. A wild boar? URBAN TARZAN Come on, we know what's going on. You're doing a hazing with a wild boar. One of the neighbors called us. Said they seen you loading a wild boar in the middle of the night or some crap like that. B.P. Yeah, we're doing a thing with the pledges, just having a little bit of fun. We got it under control. CAVEMAN Fun? Doesn't sound like fun, bro. Sounds like somebody getting hurt in there. B.P. Nobody's getting hurt, we got it under-- MAN B.P., what's going on out here? URBAN TARZAN You got a permit to have this wild boar? CAVEMAN Yo, it's either us or the cops, guys. URBAN TARZAN That boar tusks somebody and catches an artery and they bleed out, you're going to jail for manslaughter. CAVEMAN Just step aside, guys, let us in. URBAN TARZAN We gotta be really careful here. Even tigers rarely tango with mature male boars in the wild. Because when they do, they're often gored to death. Where is he? In this room here? B.P. You can't keep the boar, though. URBAN TARZAN We're gonna keep him in our trailer overnight, and whoever dropped him off, they can pick him up from us, all right? URBAN TARZAN Oh, Jesus Christ. Dude, he's gotta be 400 pounds. Uh-oh--whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa. Is there another door to this room? B.P. Yeah, over on the other side. CAVEMAN All right, I got it, T. URBAN TARZAN Caveman, here's the plan. I'm gonna corral him in the corner in there, and you get those pledges off the table. There's two guys on a table blindfolded. CAVEMAN All right, brother. URBAN TARZAN Lemme know when you're over there. CAVEMAN I'm here, bro, I got the door open. URBAN TARZAN All right. Hey, guys, I'm coming in. MAN Hello? URBAN TARZAN Guys, don't move. Don't move. CAVEMAN Stay right on the table. URBAN TARZAN Don't move. Easy, boy. CAVEMAN What the--You gotta be kidding me. URBAN TARZAN Hold on, Caveman, not yet. CAVEMAN Let me know, bro. URBAN TARZAN Whoa, whoa! Easy. Okay, Caveman, get one of 'em out. CAVEMAN All right, guys, get you out of here. URBAN TARZAN Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Get 'em outta here quick. Easy, boy. Easy! Easy, piggy. CAVEMAN Yo, I got 'em out, brother. I'm gonna get 'em outta the house. URBAN TARZAN Shut that door! Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa. CAVEMAN I know it sucks, but you gotta go outside. They're outta the house, bro! URBAN TARZAN All right, I'm coming out! URBAN TARZAN Ah--ah, ah, ah, ah! MAN We shoulda just done the dog and peanut butter. Yeah. URBAN TARZAN All right, Caveman, let's get the trailer ready. This will be our path. Open that gate, we'll drive him out the door here and chase him down these steps into the yard. He came from a trailer. He'll probably want to go to a trailer. He's got a straight shot there. You take your pig board, I take mine, bro. We'll squeeze him in-between. CAVEMAN Looks like a ham sandwich. URBAN TARZAN Basically. CAVEMAN URBAN TARZAN All right, come on. CAVEMAN With all the vegetation in the yard, the boar has too many food options to be baited. It's gonna take brute strength to push it into the trailer with our pig boards. And when it pushes back, it's like taking a hit from a 400-pound linebacker with giant teeth. URBAN TARZAN All right, ready? You guys ready? CAVEMAN Stay behind me. URBAN TARZAN Stay on your toes, camera. He's charging, he's charging, he's charging. Ah! He nailed me! Sh-- CAVEMAN Yo, T, you all right, bro? URBAN TARZAN He got me, man. He got me with his tusk. CAVEMAN We gotta clean that thing out. URBAN TARZAN We gotta get the pig. Let's do it. Come on. URBAN TARZAN Where the hell he went I don't know. URBAN TARZAN Ah! CAVEMAN Oh, T, look out! URBAN TARZAN Coming up on Urban Tarzan... Back up, back up, back up, back up. What's going on here? CAVEMAN This horse is buggin', bro. URBAN TARZAN Whoa! Yo! URBAN TARZAN Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Quick! CAVEMAN Get out, bro. URBAN TARZAN Caveman and I were called to a fraternity hazing gone wrong... Back up, everybody! Now we're in the middle of trying to wrangle a 400-pound wild boar that has slashed my leg open with its tusk. Where the hell he went I don't know. CAVEMAN Oh, T, look out! URBAN TARZAN I gotta block the TV. You ain't getting me again. Here he comes. Come on. Paula, get behind Caveman! CAVEMAN Get back. Back. URBAN TARZAN Caveman, he's coming towards you, he's coming towards you. CAVEMAN All right, all right, I got him. URBAN TARZAN Back up. URBAN TARZAN All right, come on, come on, come on! Get ready, Caveman, I'm gonna flush him to you! CAVEMAN All right, no doubt. Come on, pig. URBAN TARZAN Block him, Caveman. CAVEMAN Come on, just go in your trailer. Come on. Over here. URBAN TARZAN All right, Caveman, let him go that way. CAVEMAN I am, I am. URBAN TARZAN Caveman, come on, come on. He went out! Come on, get him in the trailer. URBAN TARZAN Caveman, block him that way. CAVEMAN He's not getting past me, T. URBAN TARZAN Uh-oh, he's cornered. Come on, you. Okay, now. Move up, Caveman. CAVEMAN Where do you think you're going, piggy? URBAN TARZAN Get up there, get up there. I got it! I got it! You guys all right? CAVEMAN Yeah. How's your leg, bro? You all right? URBAN TARZAN The hell with the leg, man. Oh, we don't need these anymore, except to clobber these jackasses on the head with. Look at my leg. That could've been your balls. Or your balls. MAN How do we get that boar back to my buddy? CAVEMAN Call our office. We'll take care of it. Hopefully the owner will show up at our office with the proper permits. I can't wait to meet the guy who loaned a wild animal to a bunch of kids. It'll give me a nice chance to talk to him, Caveman style. URBAN TARZAN Do me a favor. No more animals with your little hazing stunts. You know, stick to eating cinnamon. Man, those banana boys are lucky we got there when we did. CAVEMAN Yeah, otherwise they'd be pledging a sorority. URBAN TARZAN Yeah, man. CAVEMAN CAVEMAN Yo, yo. JASMINE Hey, guys. You remember that horse in the nightclub the other day? URBAN TARZAN Yeah. CAVEMAN JASMINE Well, now they want you back. URBAN TARZAN He wouldn't let us in with the cameras. JASMINE I guess he changed his mind, 'cause he sounds really desperate. URBAN TARZAN All right, we're gonna go pick up the horse trailer and then go over there. A couple of days ago, we were called to a shady strip club with an out-of-control horse inside. We were denied entry before we could find out just what kind of questionable business was going on. I hope mister big-boy bouncer is in a better mood. CAVEMAN Eh, they want us back, so he's gonna be, hopefully. URBAN TARZAN 'Sup, my man? MAN Hey, man, what's up, man? CAVEMAN No hard feelings, man. MAN Hey, man, the horse went nuts. URBAN TARZAN We should've grabbed the lead. CAVEMAN Yeah, yeah. URBAN TARZAN You know? 'cause we... URBAN TARZAN Back up, back up, back up, back up. CAVEMAN Holy crap! WOMAN Sweet pea! URBAN TARZAN What's going on here? WOMAN Gino, he's-- URBAN TARZAN Who's Gino? WOMAN He's that prick over there. URBAN TARZAN What--what happened here? GINO It's not a donkey, so I know that's what you're thinking. Okay, it's some classy stuff. You know, she's just dancing with the horse, that's all. CAVEMAN Stripper dancing with a horse? You can't get more classy than that. I bet the queen just left. GINO Man, I got this horse that's freaking out in the back right now. WOMAN He wouldn't be freaking out if you weren't raising your voice. He's sensitive, you ! GINO Get the outta my face now. CAVEMAN Yo, real classy, bro. URBAN TARZAN Enough, enough! Just enough. CAVEMAN Calm down. URBAN TARZAN Caveman, run to the van. Get a bucket of carrots. Get the green lead. CAVEMAN All right, yeah. URBAN TARZAN Where is this thing? GINO Got it in the dressing room, man. It's freaking out. URBAN TARZAN Why is it in the dressing room? GINO 'Cause it's going crazy inside, breaking all my ! URBAN TARZAN Why is it going crazy? GINO It's a goddamn animal. URBAN TARZAN Whoa! Yo! GINO That's what I'm talking about, man! URBAN TARZAN Back up, back up. GINO Breaking all my... URBAN TARZAN Calm down. GINO How you gonna tell me to calm down right now, bro? URBAN TARZAN Yo, it's your energy, bro. You're giving the horse bad energy. URBAN TARZAN Just calm down. Caveman, come on, let's go in. GINO It's just like it's breaking all my , man. URBAN TARZAN Easy, easy. He's really agitated, Caveman. His ears are back. That's bad. A horse signals it's about to attack with its body language. When its ears dart back and they show the whites of their eyes, it's often followed by a kick with literally one ton of force that can easily shatter a human skull. URBAN TARZAN Easy, easy. Back up. CAVEMAN This horse is buggin', bro. GINO If you can't calm this thing down, then just kill it. URBAN TARZAN Back up. GINO What's this, man? He's my place! URBAN TARZAN Caveman, take him outta here. CAVEMAN Back outside, bro. Back to the wall. GINO This is bull . URBAN TARZAN Easy. Whoa. Whoa, whoa, buddy. Whoa. WOMAN The bad man's not gonna hurt you anymore. URBAN TARZAN Keep talking to him. He likes you, huh? Horses are social and will form companionship attachments to humans. It's clear to me the horse and his dancer have this strong connection. I'm gonna use their bond to help calm the horse and get it outta here. Keep talking to him. WOMAN It's okay, sweet pea. It's okay, baby. URBAN TARZAN Lemme get this lead on him. WOMAN It's okay. URBAN TARZAN Okay, pet the side of his neck. WOMAN It's okay. URBAN TARZAN Whoa. Good boy. I'm gonna take him outta here. Come on, buddy. I'm gonna take him to my buddy's stable. CAVEMAN A strip club is no place for a horse. I'm glad we could rescue him before he was traumatized any more. URBAN TARZAN Good boy. CAVEMAN That guy's gonna have to find a new way to class up his club. I suggest clean glasses and a bathroom with a door on it. Nice job, brother. URBAN TARZAN Yo, let's get this horse to his new home. He's gonna need some rest. CAVEMAN Yeah. And a number of a good therapist. URBAN TARZAN Yeah.