ALL CAPTAIN GINGE JUDGE_ADVOCATE LIEUTENANT MUEZZIN SMUDGE SOL STAB TAFF JUDGE ADVOCATE How would you describe the morale of your patrol in this operation? British Soldier pours fire from a .50 Browning machine gun. CAPTAIN Sorry, I find that a hard question. JUDGE ADVOCATE I’ll rephrase it. At the start of the operation was the morale high? CAPTAIN Yes. Yes we had good morale as a unit... CAPTAIN We had a lot of attached arms but generally... I would say no... JUDGE ADVOCATE When did you notice anything was wrong? CAPTAIN Wrong with what? CAPTAIN We were supposed to be relieved, we were stretched, but it happens. JUDGE ADVOCATE And so I come back to my questions, how did this affect your men? CAPTAIN Soldiers complain. It’s what they do. To be fair our equipment’s pretty shit. CAPTAIN Yes. Yeah, yeah, I listened to them complaining. That’s what I’m saying. That’s normal. SMUDGE Alright Boss, Officer’s Mess is over there. CAPTAIN Very funny Smudge. CAPTAIN Right chaps... Well done today. Town’s in our hands. All’s quiet tonight we’ll leave it to the ANA and go back to camp tomorrow. SMUDGE Thank fuck, I stink. TAFF Glad you said that. CAPTAIN We’ll set up CP here. OP at the edge of the village in case Terry tries anything. Alright? Good. SOL Alright Smudge, go and dismount one of the Five O’s. TAFF I’ll give you a hand boy, otherwise you could be out there all night. SMUDGE Alright Ginge. They got a pool and a jacuzzi. I booked you a massage. Ginge grabs his Bergen from the back of the WIMIK. SMUDGE Ah come on Ginge, just living the dream. SMUDGE Just living the dream. SMUDGE Fuck! TAFF Told you, you wouldn’t be able to do it. SMUDGE Fucking pin’s jammed. I thought you’d come to help! TAFF No. I come out for a smoke, seeing as how the Captain doesn’t like it. SMUDGE This second swearing is accompanied by Smudge pulling off the weapon and almost falling over, leaving him holding a very big gun - The Five-O. TAFF There you go. Come here. SMUDGE You got it? TAFF Yep. TAFF There you go... SMUDGE I don’t know why we’ve got to dismount it anyway. Could just use the fucking Jimpy. TAFF Oi oi oi. You know better than to ask questions like that. It’s the Army boy. SMUDGE Yeah. Ours but to do or die. Smudge heads back for the compound. TAFF Do and die. Do and die, don’t get a choice see? TAFF Oi. You’ll be needing some ammo for that. TAFF Taff picking up a couple of ammunition boxes out of the vehicle and heading after Smudge towards the compound. SMUDGE Oi, Stab, what you think you’re fucking playing at. SMUDGE Seeing as you’re part-time. I don’t think you’ll be getting first dibs on bed space. TAFF And who is then? TAFF I’m just saying. I’ve got the stripe. SMUDGE And I’ve been in longer. TAFF Yeah well it’s not my fault you’re such a bad boy is it. TAFF I tell you what Stab. You give me that bed space you can borrow my porn stash. SMUDGE Oi. Don’t listen to him Stab, he’s Welsh it’ll be full of fucking animals. TAFF Most beautiful girls in the world in Wales boy. You can keep your London with your prossies and drugs. SMUDGE That’s because you Welsh think a drugs a mushroom that grows in a field full of cowshit... SOL Knock it off. Right Smudge. Stag list’s here you’re up first. SOL Do stag from the OP... SOL ... Check the vehicles every half hour. SOL And Smudge, you ain’t fucking Rambo, get a tripod for that. GINGE Contact. LIEUTENANT Not one of ours CAPTAIN Get on to HQ. Sol! CAPTAIN We got a contact. Stand to. TAFF Come on Serge, sleep and you’ll miss the war. CAPTAIN What’s going on? GINGE Contact down in the waddy! GINGE 400 metres left of the river bed. GINGE Watch my trace? CAPTAIN Is it the ANA? SOL Not unless someone else is organising their air. TAFF The Americans then? SOL The Yanks are on the other side of those hills. LIEUTENANT Silicon One Zero, send over. LIEUTENANT Zero Roger out. LIEUTENANT It’s an SF Op. CAPTAIN It’s polite of them to tell us that was coming in. LIEUTENANT Said it was need to know. Brigade couldn’t give us advance warning. TAFF ‘Cake and arse’. CAPTAIN What was that Taff? TAFF Nothing boss. Just saying how nice it would be if the boys from Hereford let us know they were paying us a visit. TAFF Could have stopped in for a cup of tea. CAPTAIN Right everyone. To bed. An early start in the morning and a long drive. SOL You heard the man, bed ladies. And everyone heads back to their beds leaving SMUDGE Someone’s gonna get it for that. STAB What do you mean? SMUDGE It’s all good the SAS out there playing boy scouts, but they’ll be gone in the morning. STAB I don’t understand? SMUDGE Fuck Stab. It means that Terry’s going to be pissed off at having his beauty sleep disturbed and come looking for someone to take it out on. SOL How do you know it’s SAS smartarse? TAFF Don’t think it matters Sergeant, Terry thinks we’re all Russians anyway. MUEZZIN Allah u Akbar, Allah u Akbar. Ash-hadu al-la Ilaha ill Allah, Ash-hadu al-la Ilaha ill Allah. Ash-hadu anna Muhammadan Rasulullaah, Ash-hadu anna Muhammadan Rasulullaah. Hayya la-s-saleah, Hayya la-s-saleah. Hayya la-l-faleah (fades) CAPTAIN Alright chaps, gather round. TAFF Attaboy! CAPTAIN Set Taff. Smudge! Right. Bit of a change of plan. We’re staying put for a while I’m afraid. CAPTAIN The ANA had a contact three clicks north this morning it looks as though Terry is mounting a counter attack. CAPTAIN So! We’re gonna go up the line, we’re gonna use the Five O’s, and we’re gonna call in some air, see if we can’t stabilise this situation. Right? Good. CAPTAIN Mount up. TAFF There was me thinking you’d take that shower. SMUDGE Y’know I might stink, but I can always wash, you’ll always be Welsh. TAFF Ha... TAFF Get him a 50 cal. SMUDGE What you got him up there for? TAFF Cos I’m fucking boiling! TAFF Oi Stab, don’t shoot unless I tell you to, alright. Some counter offensive this is! SMUDGE A three day patrol turning into ten now that’s fucking offensive. TAFF Yeah. Well take it up with the union. CAPTAIN Air’s coming in. SMUDGE Fuck me, the Lieutenant got off the phone to his Mrs long enough to get us some air? TAFF She’s got a bun in the oven hasn’t she? SMUDGE Yeah that’s why he leaves him behind init. TAFF Get in! SMUDGE That’ll shut ‘em up. TAFF Terry’s gonna be sore after that one boss. CAPTAIN Anything moves after that little lot, let them have it. SMUDGE What you doing with us anyway Ginge, couldn’t you get here with your Commando? GINGE Missed it, and Iraq, said if I didn’t get it I’d PVR. SMUDGE No... You’re better off with the Army anyway. Beats wearing a dress and having to take your clothes off any time someone shouts ‘naked bar’. SMUDGE Just saying Ginge, it’s a bit gay. GINGE ‘You’re only gay if you push back’. TAFF Oh God Ginge, you spent too long on those boats of yours mate. TAFF Stab. SMUDGE Thank fuck we got the Five-O’s, this is a piece of shit. LIEUTENANT Private Smith would you please stop slagging off the equipment. SMUDGE Yes Sir. It’s just a shame the SAS didn’t think it was any good. SMUDGE And the name’s Smudge Sir. STAB Actually I’d like to be called by my real name. SMUDGE No, you wouldn’t. I’m Smith, and that’s Smudge, Taff is Welsh, SOL Smudge! SMUDGE Just making sure everyone’s clear Sergeant. After years of tradition we can’t have the officers getting confused and calling us by our real names now, can we? TAFF Hold that stab. CAPTAIN Taff? TAFF You see that boss? CAPTAIN Let’s go. JUDGE ADVOCATE And how did er... you handle that? That strain? CAPTAIN I did what I had to do. I couldn’t exactly say stuff it. You know we’d been out almost two weeks. And they can’t get us resupplied. The thing is with command you have to toe the party line. JUDGE ADVOCATE Did you toe the party line? CAPTAIN Yes. Yes I did. I let the men know I was pissed off, but I couldn’t go about saying that this is a shit situation, you just can’t do that. JUDGE ADVOCATE Why not? CAPTAIN Because if you do the whole thing falls apart. CAPTAIN I don’t know! TAFF Alright Lieutenant, how goes it on the home front? CAPTAIN Alright Johnny. Any news on the resupply? CAPTAIN Bugger. CAPTAIN Taff, can you take that outside please? TAFF I’m afraid of Terry’s snipers. CAPTAIN Right. I think that was a probe today. Looks as though we’re staying here for a while. TAFF I’ll tell you what Lieutenant, if we’re gonna be here a while perhaps you can plant us up some cabbages. I quite fancy some nice fruit and veg. SOL Leave it. SMUDGE Don’t know why you’re complaining - could be your chance to lose some weight! TAFF Yeah. Welsh girls don’t go for that Skelator look. SMUDGE Yeah that’s cos they’re munters! LIEUTENANT Hello Zero this is Silicon One Zero, over. TAFF Don’t know what you’re missing mate. SMUDGE And I never will. TAFF With your record they wouldn’t let you over the Severn Bridge. CAPTAIN Go on Taff! TAFF Ammo! TAFF Ammo! TAFF Fuck me Stab, when I shout ammo get me some more fucking ammo. GINGE Taff go easy with the fucking ammo. TAFF Ginge! It’s like night of the frigging dead out here. GINGE Where’s the fucking air? TAFF Stoppage! TAFF Piece of shit. Come on. GINGE Man down. STAB Alright Taff mate. Stay with my voice mate. Are you all right Taff mate? Yeah. Stay with me. GINGE Hello Mike One Zero this is Mike One One. We’ve got a man down chest wound, repeat chest wound over. GINGE Talk to me Stab. STAB Stay with me. STAB Come on. CAPTAIN Mike One One this is Mike One Zero move to Zero’s location over. SMUDGE It’s Taff! CAPTAIN Hello Mike One One this is Mike One Zero, acknowledge my last, over. GINGE You’re doing great mate stay with us. STAB Stay with me. Stay with me. CAPTAIN Fuck it. Fucking Bowman’s. Fuck. Fucksake. STAB Fuck it. Come on. Come on. Stay with me, Taff. Can you hear me mate? LIEUTENANT We’re gonna call you a medic, Stab. STAB Get us the fuck out of here. Go! Go! Go! Go! STAB Move. CAPTAIN Go! STAB We need to move everything out of here. Come on. CAPTAIN Taff? Let’s go. STAB We need to move these canisters. SMUDGE Where’s the fucking chopper? CAPTAIN You alright? SMUDGE Where was the fucking air? CAPTAIN The American battlegroup’s been taking a pounding. Alright Taff? STAB Smudge, hold that. Hold it up high. He’s stable. Let’s move him. Move him but move him gently ok. CAPTAIN Sol on the shoulder. ALL One, two, three, move/go. LIEUTENANT Ten minutes. SOL Steady boys. STAB Keep that saline high Smudge. CAPTAIN Right. Lie him down this way in the shade. SMUDGE Alright Taff mate? STAB Gently guys, gently... CAPTAIN Get a camo net over this as soon as we can. STAB Alright Taff. You alright mate? We’re just getting something for your head now mate. STAB Pressure. Press in there. Okay. CAPTAIN Alright Taff. There you go mate. LIEUTENANT Nine minutes. CAPTAIN Ginge, Smudge, on guns please. STAB I think this might have dashed your dreams of playing for Swansea mate. CAPTAIN That’s alright. STAB I don’t know why you’d want that. They’re shit! LIEUTENANT Wheels down in six minutes. LIEUTENANT Wheels down in thirty seconds. CAPTAIN Chaps. CAPTAIN Chaps. Well done today chaps. That was a good effort. CAPTAIN ... right we need to change the orbat; Stab you come with me in One Zero, Smudge, you go in One One with Sol on top cover. Any questions? SOL Boss we’re really low on Five-O ammo. CAPTAIN I know. I’ll speak to the ANA. CAPTAIN Okay. SMUDGE Boss that Russian ammo gives us a lot of stoppages. SOL That’s why you’re gonna de-link it and take out all the trace. CAPTAIN Any more questions? CAPTAIN Smudge? SMUDGE Nothing Captain. Just now we’re borrowing ammo off the people we came to save? CAPTAIN Johnny, get on to HQ, tell them if we don’t run out of ammo we are going to starve. STAB Smudge? Why didn’t the radios work? SMUDGE What does Bowman stand for? SMUDGE ‘Better off with a map and Nokia’. STAB And what you said about the rifles? That the SAS don’t use them? SMUDGE Fuck Stab, don’t they teach anything before they send you out here? No they don’t. STAB Why? SMUDGE Because the SAS trialled them in the jungle and they didn’t work, so they said these are shit we’ll go on using the US kit, which does. STAB No. But why? Why do they give us crap guns and crap radios? SMUDGE ‘Cos, no-one ever thought we’d have to fight a war? LIEUTENANT Actually the A Two version is a significantly improved weapon. Smudge looks at the Lieutenant. SMUDGE Fuck me Lieutenant, you trying to get a job with Tony Blair? LIEUTENANT It’s a good weapon. SMUDGE Ok Lieutenant, if it’s so good you name me one other Army in the world that uses it? Russians, the Ragheads, even Terry out here, all use AK Forty Sevens, the Yanks, M Sixteens. No one buys an SA Eighty. SOL The Jamaican Defence Force. SMUDGE The who?! SOL The Jamaican Defence Force. SMUDGE Fuck me Sol that explains it. Next time a Yardie jumps at me with a machete. I’ll hit him on the head with my SA Eighty. CAPTAIN What’d I miss? SMUDGE Afghan ammo, we don’t get any air tomorrow. You won’t need to worry about your rifle, ‘cos you and I will be appearing on aljer fucking zeera.’ SMUDGE Hold’s here. CAPTAIN As an officer you have to front up to decisions your command makes. CAPTAIN Move on. We must get back come on up everyone, lets go. CAPTAIN You don’t have to agree with them but the men aren’t stupid. You think they believe in this. JUDGE ADVOCATE What do they believe? CAPTAIN I don’t know... You take an eighteen year old kid and send him to Afghanistan you may as well send him to the bloody moon. SMUDGE Any news on Taff? CAPTAIN Any news on Taff? LIEUTENANT Sorry Bill. CAPTAIN No news is good news huh? SMUDGE Would they tell us if it was bad Boss? The Captain doesn’t reply. The men head inside. SMUDGE What? You want his mum to find it? SMUDGE Want some Stab? SMUDGE Suit yourself. SMUDGE Probably seen enough pussy being a midwife anyway. GINGE Stab! GINGE You a maternity nurse? GINGE Hey Stab... GINGE ... don’t beat yourself up man. You did your best. STAB Thanks Ginge. SOL Custard sponge pudding. SMUDGE No surprise what he didn’t eat. You got any chocolate pudd? GINGE Give us his fags. GINGE What? SMUDGE We’ll split ‘em. SOL Any of you want his fucking pants? SMUDGE Come on Sol, he ain’t gonna care. Sol eyes Smudge. SMUDGE Wound like that, if he makes it? He aint gonna need a fucking fag. SMUDGE What’d I miss? The Taliban surrender? GINGE Resupply’s in. Waiting on Crab Air. SMUDGE Great. Maybe now the ANA can fight their own fucking war for a change. STAB Resupply? That’s good news right? SMUDGE Is it Stab? If they’re resupplying us it means we’re staying put. SOL Hercs ETA is twenty, on your feet ladies. SOL Enjoy your lie-in Smudge? SMUDGE Yes sergeant very much. It’s just a shame you couldn’t round it off with a nice cafe latte. SOL In your fucking dreams. SMUDGE Oh you are Sergeant, you are, only somehow, nicer? SOL Wind it in Smudge. GINGE Are you ready pal? SMUDGE Yeah go for it. GINGE It’s like the hallowed turf of Wembley mate. SMUDGE Come on! GINGE Double or quits? SMUDGE I’ll tell you what, we’ll bet how close they get to the drop zone? GINGE No fucking way mate. SMUDGE How’d you get the boat down? GINGE Sawed down the fucking tree. CAPTAIN Oi you two look sharp! GINGE What’s the deal with your boss mate? SMUDGE Ah don’t worry about him. SMUDGE Hope he’s fucking seen us. GINGE Ah for fucks sake! SMUDGE They’ve sent us way too much shit here, or someone’s not telling us something. GINGE Maybe the Lieutenant messed up. SMUDGE It can’t be more complicated than ordering a Gin and Tonic. GINGE Then the bloody loggies must have added our resup dems together and sent them at once. SMUDGE I’ll send Terry a message shall I. They better attack us on specific dates or the loggies get confused. CAPTAIN Cope? Of course I could cope that’s not what I’m saying. What I’m saying is it affected me just as it affected them. JUDGE ADVOCATE You use ‘them’ and ‘us’ in your statements Captain. Do you think that reflects on how you feel about your men? CAPTAIN No-no-no of course... of course not. We are one unit I feel the same. Its just you can’t provide leadership and do that if you’re over familiar. That is what it is like to be an officer it’s bloody lonely. LIEUTENANT Hi Bill. CAPTAIN Hi Johnny. LIEUTENANT Where’s Sol? CAPTAIN Recce-ing an alternate route out of the village. We’re becoming far too predictable given the IED threat. LIEUTENANT We need to talk. LIEUTENANT Taff didn’t make it. LIEUTENANT They got him down to Camp Bastion but he died on the operating table. LIEUTENANT Bill. I don’t think we should tell the boys. CAPTAIN Nonsense Johnny. LIEUTENANT I really think this could push them over the edge. CAPTAIN No all this bitching about the kit is them blowing off steam. It’s when they go quiet that we need to worry. LIEUTENANT It’s not the kit though is it? The tactics. CAPTAIN Johnny let me give you a piece of advice. Never show any doubt in front of the men. They see a chink in the old armour then we’re all in trouble. CAPTAIN They find out about Taff on the Battlegroup net that’ll be much worse. CAPTAIN Bugger. CAPTAIN Gentlemen. It is with great sadness that I have to inform you that Lance Corporal Evans died of his wounds. CAPTAIN I want to say to each of you that you did everything you could. Lance Corporal Evans could not have asked for more. And it is a great credit to all of you that you got him to the MERT alive. CAPTAIN Now I don’t need to remind you how important our role here is. Without us, without our assistance, there is no way the Afghan National Army could hold this town. CAPTAIN Now Taff was a professional soldier. To the last. He would have wanted us to go on. So let’s do that. For him. CAPTAIN Thank you gentlemen. SOL That’s Terry and that’s us, and that’s the valley and that’s the route we’re taking. Now if we get hit here, we go back to the Erv, here. Right, any questions? SOL Everyone knows where the fucking Erv is? SOL Smudge? SMUDGE Yes thank you Sergeant, If I get lost you can show me the way back. SOL Right move as per SOPs. Final checks. SOL Stab? STAB I’m not going. SOL Soldier, do you know what the fuck you’re saying! SMUDGE Oh great! CAPTAIN It’s alright, Stab its ok. CAPTAIN Stab, look, the lieutenant needs some help today. Alright. Ok. CAPTAIN It’s ok here. It’s safe. Do you understand? Yeah? CAPTAIN Can you do that for me? Good man. Stab nods. Captain slaps his arm. SMUDGE Ay boss, if I cry will you leave me behind. CAPTAIN What do you want me to do? Hm... What? Tie him to the WIMIK! SOL You’re the boss. LIEUTENANT He should help me. Keep him busy. SMUDGE Doesn’t seem fair, we all get the same medal except only some of us get shot at. LIEUTENANT I don’t like being called a coward Smudge. SMUDGE I didn’t say that Sir did I? I’m sure I didn’t. LIEUTENANT Bill, I should go up the line today. CAPTAIN Johnny, you’re the FAC. We can’t see shit in the valley, the radios don’t even work! CAPTAIN Johnny. Johnny. Stop it. LIEUTENANT I insist. CAPTAIN No think of Judy, she’s due any day? CAPTAIN OK. Sol, you’ve done the course. SOL No thanks Boss. SMUDGE I don’t even know the call signs. I’d probably end up getting our dhobi dropped on the Taliban. SOL Contact! GINGE Get the fuck out. CAPTAIN Move. GINGE There down in the Waddy. SOL Fucking ‘ave it! SOL Fuck! Where the fuck are you going! You fucker! CAPTAIN Move. GINGE Moving Boss! GINGE Move. Boss. SMUDGE Where the fuck are they? GINGE Watch my trace CAPTAIN Move it men. SMUDGE Stoppage. CAPTAIN Ammo! SOL Go on. Get out of here. CAPTAIN Move. Now. GINGE Moving, Sir. GINGE Move, Boss. SOL Everyone in? CAPTAIN Go! Go! Go! Go! CAPTAIN Go!! CAPTAIN What happened to the Erv? SOL It’s a long walk Boss, thought you could do with a lift. CAPTAIN Cheers. CAPTAIN O Zero this is Silicon One Zero, there are two WIMIKs in the area, deny the disabled one. We will mark our position with green smoke, over. CAPTAIN Right. Let’s mount up. LIEUTENANT Did One Zero get denied? CAPTAIN The Taliban can have her for scrap. LIEUTENANT We got some orders. LIEUTENANT Brigade wants to talk to you. The Americans are breaking clear tomorrow, main effort with them. LIEUTENANT They want us to increase activity in our TAOR, make it look like we’re staying. CAPTAIN Tell them to T up some air. Main effort or no main effort. SMUDGE What!?! CAPTAIN Everyone dealt with it in their own way. CAPTAIN What’s it like to lose someone you... You have that possibility but you train for it. In reality I don’t know. SMUDGE I’ve got an idea. Taff got a hole in his, so let’s trial it shall we? SOL Smudge! SMUDGE Just say twenty eight rounds of five point five six. SOL Smudge put down that fucking weapon! CAPTAIN What the bloody hell is going on in here? SOL Private Smith had a negligent discharge Sir. SMUDGE I was cleaning my weapon and it... kind of went off. CAPTAIN For Christsakes Private Smith! CAPTAIN We’re all tired gents, but these are basic drills! GINGE Oi you pongos always shoot up your own kit? GINGE Just asking, ‘cause it’s unusual in the Corps. GINGE What is wrong with you Smudge? SMUDGE What’s wrong with me? Those fucking Ruperts are gonna to kill us all. Ginge pretends not to listen. SMUDGE Except you and Sol are driving... SMUDGE ... and those Ruperts can’t drive a fucking shopping trolley. GINGE Don’t fuck about dickhead. SMUDGE I mean it. What if we refuse to soldier? GINGE Look. I’ve seen all the action I need to see. And now I want to go home, tell some bird about it and get laid. GINGE Alright dickhead. SMUDGE Hey Ginge! You don’t have to kill people to get laid! CAPTAIN Right guys, everyone ready? We’ve got a big day today, let’s do it by the numbers, keep it tight, yeah. Good. LIEUTENANT Smudge? LIEUTENANT Good luck. SMUDGE Keep tending those cabbages lieutenant. LIEUTENANT Don’t know why he didn’t want leeks? SMUDGE No? GINGE Grenade! GINGE Home sweet home. CAPTAIN Bloody good show today chaps. Should get a pat on the back from the Yanks for that. SMUDGE Ginge? Smudge holds the packet out to Sol, who shakes his head. Smudge lights his cigarette, and puts the packet away. SMUDGE It’s only a matter of time. SOL Boss. With all due respect, we’re going out again tomorrow? LIEUTENANT “Ours not to reason why” Sergeant. Sol doesn’t ‘do’ philosophy. SOL What happens if we lose another motor? I mean we’re sitting ducks out there. SMUDGE Yeah you see the best thing about the WIMIK is the air-conditioning ‘cos it’s got no roof. It’s just a pity it’s got no armour. LIEUTENANT Alright stop it, just stop slagging everything off! LIEUTENANT We are here with a job to do, and we need to get on with it. SMUDGE Is it? Really? SMUDGE ‘Cos I ruined mine. And Taff, well he got shot through his. STAB He got shot through the side of his vest, it missed the armour. LIEUTENANT There you bloody go. SMUDGE Well fuck me lieutenant. You need to start showing some… some some fucking emotion here. LIEUTENANT If he’d lost some weight it would have fitted. SMUDGE With ‘all due respect’ Sir you got no idea what you’re fucking talking about. So fuck you, Sir. LIEUTENANT Private Smith. You are on a charge for insubordination. SOL Aw come on. We’re all in this together he didn’t mean it. LIEUTENANT I mean it. Seems to me Sergeant. If there was little more discipline in this unit Lance Corporal Evans might still be alive. SOL Private Smith, Sir, deserves a fucking MC, Sir, not a fucking charge. CAPTAIN What on earths going on in here? CAPTAIN Sergeant Campbell, Private Smith. SMUDGE D’you mean what you said about the MC? SOL Don’t take it to heart. SMUDGE Sol. Put a stop to this. SOL What the fuck are you talking about Smudge? SMUDGE Come on man. We fucking leave. What fucking difference does it make? SOL We’re defending our country you fucking prick. SMUDGE Sol the people we kill every day! They’ve got no fucking idea who we are. SOL I’ve been in it since I was fifteen. If I can’t be a soldier what can I be? SMUDGE I hate to be the one to break it to you mate, but you nearly butt stroked an officer out there. SMUDGE Come on Sol. We’re being fed a load of shit here. CAPTAIN Right. I’ve got a few new patrol rules. No more talking about strategy or kit. You can take that up with the Ministry of Defence. Now we are the British Army and we have a job to do. CAPTAIN Are we clear on that? CAPTAIN Let me hear you say it. SOL Yes Boss. SMUDGE Yes Boss. CAPTAIN Now is there anything else I need to say? Good. LIEUTENANT Hello Zero this is Silicon One Zero send over. LIEUTENANT Roger Zero, this is Silicon One Zero Sunray minor, over. LIEUTENANT Roger... Thank you zero. Out. LIEUTENANT It’s a girl. SOL Congratulations Sir. GINGE Nice one Boss. SMUDGE I knew you was a girl maker. They shake. SMUDGE Well done. LIEUTENANT I didn’t really do anything Smudge. SMUDGE Nah? That’ll be your private education letting you down. You see. You wanna give it a bit of... SMUDGE Lieutenant’s got news boss. LIEUTENANT It’s a girl. Judy’s fine. CAPTAIN Well done mate congratulations. CAPTAIN Right lets mount up. SMUDGE Boss. I think we should call it a day. SMUDGE I mean what else we got left to prove? CAPTAIN It’s not about proving anything! CAPTAIN Private Smith, go back into the compound. I’ll talk to Sergeant Campbell about this. SOL Boss, don’t take it personal. I think Smudge is right, it’s not our war. GINGE Hate to say it. But I’m with the Army, boss. CAPTAIN I don’t believe this, Gents. We have a job to do! No one moves. CAPTAIN I’m in command. This will get each of you court marshalled. Do you understand? CAPTAIN Now we are going out today even if it’s just me and the Lieutenant. CAPTAIN This is cowardice. Cowardice in the face of the enemy! Now get into that vehicle. SMUDGE I don’t think you are hearing us, Sir. SMUDGE ‘Cos Johnny don’t want his daughter growing up wondering if her dad loved her. Because if he did, what the fuck did he do dying out here. LIEUTENANT They’re right Bill. It’s not our war. GINGE Fucking hell! What do you think they’ll do boys! SMUDGE Call in a fucking airstrike? GINGE Well as long as it’s a B fucking 2. SOL More like fucking B52, take down this whole fucking place. SMUDGE Nonsense mate, you wanna see your kids alive. SOL My Missus is gonna fucking kill me. SMUDGE Ah shit Sorry Mate, I thought we only had to worry about Terry! SOL Smudge you don’t know women. LIEUTENANT We get back to Camp none of this gets mentioned. SMUDGE Is he gonna buy that? LIEUTENANT I don’t know. CAPTAIN (V.O) I did my best... I sometimes felt... I felt we’re being unsupported, we’re being left out there and try as I might, I wasn’t getting what I needed. JUDGE ADVOCATE (V.O) So you questioned the command? CAPTAIN (V.O) Yes. I questioned the command. I questioned the war. CAPTAIN I mean really what the hell were we doing? We spent two weeks slogging it out with the Taliban, and when we left they walked straight back in. SOL Come on Boss.