ALBA BEN CHIP FBI_AGENT_1 JIMMY LOAN_SHARK MICKEY PARAMEDIC POODLE SABRINA TIPPY


POODLE
Hi, it's Poodle, leave a message.
MICKEY
Oh, hey, Poodle. Hey, it's me, Mickey, again. Uh, remember me? The one you saddled with your kids, who are awful, by the way. Listen, I was just- I had this thought that maybe if you had a couple spare minutes, you could give 'em a call and let them know that you fled the country and left them with a total stranger, you stupid, selfish monsters! Anyway, give me a call. Aah! Okay. You got this. 
MICKEY
Ah! Touchdown! Her turn, hit her with a shrimp!
SABRINA
No, no, thank you. I'm not trying to get hepatitis.
BEN
I want hepatitis.
MICKEY
Coming your way, buddy!
MICKEY
This is awesome, right, guys?
CHIP
Why are we in a poor person's restaurant?
MICKEY
What's the matter with you? It's not a poor person's restaurant- don't be an ass.
CHIP
This guy's not even Japanese. His name's Pedro.
MICKEY
All right, well, Hamilton wasn't Puerto Rican, but people seem to be enjoying that just fine. All right, listen, I brought you guys here because I, I got to tell you some pretty big news, and it's not...
SABRINA
Pass.
MICKEY
Pass? What are? You gonna pop those in right now? Are you kidding me? Fine. Forget you. Ben, Chip, listen. This is going to be pretty hard to...
CHIP
Hey, Ben, I dare you to lick the grill.
MICKEY
What? Shut up! Just listen to me.
BEN
What's it taste like?
CHIP
Oh, it's delicious! Come on, I'll give you a thousand bucks.
MICKEY
No, don't. He does not have a thousand dollars.
CHIP
Boom.
MICKEY
Oh, my God. You are a nightmare. Ben, don't do it, okay? Will you just please listen? Sabrina, this is serious.
SABRINA
Don't touch my stuff, psycho.
MICKEY
I just thought you might like to know that your parents are gone and they're not coming back.
BEN
They're dead?
MICKEY
No, no. Not dead. They're definitely not dead. But they did flee the country.
CHIP
That doesn't make any sense. They didn't do anything wrong.
MICKEY
Uh, I don't, I don't, I don't know. I'm not going to touch that one.
SABRINA
No, I don't believe you. You're lying.
MICKEY
Why would I lie about that?
SABRINA
Um, I don't know, maybe because you're a lying bitch.
MICKEY
Okay, look, I understand this is really hard stuff to hear.
SABRINA
It's not hard to hear. It's actually really easy. I, like, literally don't care at all.
MICKEY
Okay, well the pitch of your voice is making it seem like you care a lot.
SABRINA
I don't care! It's just-- it's embarrassing, that's all.
MICKEY
Yes, it is, it is, agreed. It's very embarrassing. Let's just keep our voices down, okay? These gentlemen are trying to enjoy their dinner.
CHIP
You think I care about these idiots?
MICKEY
Uh, sorry. What is wrong with you? You're making a scene.
CHIP
Oh, oh. I'm so, I'm so sorry. Let me make it right. How is that for a scene? Dinner and a show! Lap it up, you dogs!
MICKEY
Hey, get-get back over here right now!
SABRINA
Oh, don't tell us what to do! You're not our mom. You're just looking for a handout.
MICKEY
Hey, Sabrina.
SABRINA
You with your bad hair and your Dumpster clothes! I know what you're up to, and I'll tell you something, you're not going to get away with that.
BEN
Aah!
MICKEY
Well, I hope you're very proud of yourself. Your brother has burned off all of his taste buds.
CHIP
I'd like to apologize for my behavior. I understand, as the new patriarch of this family, you are all looking to me to set the tone, and I fell short.
MICKEY
Stop it, okay? Nobody's looking to you for anything.
SABRINA
Oh, I'm sorry. You think you're in charge? We're not gonna listen to a single word you say.
MICKEY
Well, you're not gonna have to. 'Cause I'm catching the last chopper out of Saigon.
ALBA
You're leaving?
MICKEY
Yeah, Alba, I'm leaving. Have you seen that car outside? That's a pig. Probably fbi. And I'm pretty sure the IRS is not far behind. And once all this is gone, Alba, all that's left is this. And nobody wants just this.
CHIP
Well, where you gonna go?
MICKEY
I'm gonna go back to Rhode Island. Where I have no responsibilities and nobody to answer to.
SABRINA
So, unemployed and alone? Sounds neat.
MICKEY
I wish I could bash you.
CHIP
Okay, thank you for your time, Mackenzie, but I think I've got it from here.
MICKEY
Oh, wonderful. I bet you do, Chip. Great. But just in case, I've called your dad's parents, and they're on their way.
CHIP
The colonel? No way. That guy's a legend. I've modeled my entire career after him.
ALBA
O-Oh, yes. I-I like the colonel very much. When I was a little girl, he came to my village in Guatemala and built the hospital. And then he brought me and my mother back to the States. He would call me his libélula- dragonfly.
MICKEY
And you've been trapped here ever since? Ugh. You're like a veal. Got to get out more.
SABRINA
Wait, aren't he and Grandma Tippy, like, 100 years old?
MICKEY
They sounded about 1,000 on the phone, so I'm gonna get out of here before I get stuck talking about soup or whatever.
SABRINA
Fine, go. You think I care?
SABRINA
Why are you taking our stuff?
MICKEY
Call it payment for services rendered.
CHIP
You get that for living in our mansion for three days?
MICKEY
Well, I was eyeing the G-wagon but I didn't want to be gassing up the whole time, so I decided to go solar.
SABRINA
It's electric.
MICKEY
I know, right?
ALBA
Wait, wait, wait, wait. I'm coming with you.
MICKEY
What? No, you're not.
ALBA
W We are friends, yes?
MICKEY
Well, I mean, yeah. We're friendly. But I. You know, I-I already got the rug and. Plus, the kids need you.
SABRINA
No, we don't.
CHIP
Take her.
ALBA
Miss Mickey, when I smashed that man over the head, I felt an animal in my chest wake up and roar. I would very much like to feel that again.
MICKEY
Okay. I mean, how am I supposed to argue with that? Fine, come along for a couple days, but you got to keep up, all right? I don't feel like babysitting. Otherwise I'd stay with these animals.
ALBA
Oh, uh but i-it's up to you, Benito. I will only go if I have your blessing.
BEN
Okay.
ALBA
Mm. Okay, let's go.
MICKEY
Well, that about does it. Good luck to you. Uh, take care of yourselves. And if you need anything at all, do not hesitate to call 911. Hold onto your nips, this kitty can purr.
MICKEY
What's shakin', bacon?
FBI AGENT 1
Excuse me?
MICKEY
You're excused.
CHIP
A little hustle, please. The colonel's waiting.
SABRINA
So what?
CHIP
So show some respect. He's a freaking war hero. Dude went buck wild on Korea. Look at this beast. If there was ever a guy to surrender the patriarch role to, it's this stud. What?
TIPPY
Hello! Oh, my goodness, look how big you've all gotten! Sabrina. My beautiful angel. And Chip, such a dashing young gentleman. You remind me of my husband. Oh, and Ben, my poor baby. I heard about that little accident you had.
BEN
Hello, Grandma.
TIPPY
Now, it has been a long day, so why don't we all go upstairs and change into our Pjs?
SABRINA
Yeah, sorry, Grandma, that's not gonna work for me. I've got a party to go to tonight. And I probably won't get home until late, so, you know what, don't wait up for me. You guys Oh!
TIPPY
I realize you children aren't used to having rules, but all that's going to change. Now, be a good girl and do as Grandma says.
SABRINA
No.
CHIP
Whoa. I think you'll find I have very little tolerance for back sass, dear. Upstairs.
MICKEY
So, of course, I'm trying to convince him it was just a rash, but, you know, he wasn't buying it.
ALBA
Oh. You know, when I was a little girl, a rash spread through our village and nearly took all of the women.
MICKEY
Oh. Right on.
ALBA
Yeah.
MICKEY
Very cool that we both have rash stories.
ALBA
Uh-huh.
MICKEY
So, this is it. Home, sweet home. Oh, yeah, I live real close to the airport. Super convenient. Thirsty?
ALBA
Yeah.
MICKEY
Cheers.
ALBA
Oh. Ah.
MICKEY
Mm. Mm-hmm.
ALBA
Oh. Mm, mm.
MICKEY
There we go. Cheers.
MICKEY
Jimmy?
JIMMY
Holy crap, you're alive. Oh, you look good.
MICKEY
What? No. Get-Get off of me!
JIMMY
You look really good.
MICKEY
What are you doing?
JIMMY
Oh, I'm happy to see you. Hi. Hey.
ALBA
Mm.
JIMMY
I'm Jimmy.
ALBA
Oh.
JIMMY
I'm the boyfriend.
MICKEY
He's not my boyfriend.
JIMMY
Oh, come on. We've been plowing for, like, ten years.
MICKEY
What are you doing here, Jimmy? Are you living in my place?
JIMMY
No. The the pipe is just, like.
MICKEY
Oh, the pipe?
JIMMY
Yeah, and it there's a, there's a. you got a drippy.
MICKEY
I got a drippy?
JIMMY
I missed the smells.
MICKEY
Okay, well, you can smell my ass when you kiss it good-bye. Leave.
JIMMY
Okay, you know what, I'm sensing some major hostility here, which is fine, but is it about the car thing? The car thing where you ran me over?
JIMMY
Yeah.
MICKEY
Yes, it is.
JIMMY
Okay. Well, I said I was sorry.
MICKEY
No, you didn't say you were sorry.
JIMMY
I'm saying it now.
MICKEY
Jimmy, you didn't even stop.
JIMMY
I thought you were dead! Did you stop? Did you stop and think about how it made me feel?
MICKEY
Get out! I'm serious. Get out.
JIMMY
Oh, fine! Well, guess what. I don't need this, and I don't need you and I don't need this robe.
MICKEY
Come on. Keep the robe. I don't want the robe. No, I don't want it. It makes me think of you, and I hate it.
MICKEY
Wha. Hold on. Did you get a new tattoo?
JIMMY
Yeah, I did. I regret it.
MICKEY
Mm.
JIMMY
Oh. And a word to the wise:that loan shark from the Indian casino, he's been poking around, so when he comes to get.
ALBA
He reminds me of my cousin, Victor. In the womb for 14 months. Big head. Very sad.
MICKEY
Yeah. Don't pay attention to him. He's no one.
ALBA
Mm-hmm.
MICKEY
Hey, you want to get out of here, go crank the lights up on this town?
ALBA
I don't know what you say.
MICKEY
That's okay. Uh, just take this, and I will explain the rest later.
ALBA
Oh. No. No, thank you.
MICKEY
Oh, don't worry- it's super mild.
ALBA
Oh, no, no, I-I can't, 'cause I have a sensitive stomach.
MICKEY
Me, too. Just take half.
ALBA
No, it's-it's no good.
ALBA
Just put it on your tongue and tell me what it tastes like.
ALBA
I can't do it! It's not good.
MICKEY
Alba, friends trust each other.
ALBA
Plea. I said no!
MICKEY
I'll fire you if you don't. I'm just kidding! Oh, I'm so sorry. Your face. I scared you.
MICKEY
I can't fire you- you're not even mine.
MICKEY
You don't have to take it.
ALBA
Oh, thank you.
MICKEY
'Cause you already took it.
ALBA
Wait, what?
MICKEY
Mm. I popped one in your beer earlier.
ALBA
Uh. no, y-you're joking. This is a joke, right?
MICKEY
Of course I'm joking!
ALBA
Oh.
MICKEY
Who would do that?
ALBA
Oh. I can't tell, I can't tell.
MICKEY
I know. Actually, I'm joking about joking. I'd say you have about ten minutes.
ALBA
Wha? Oh. Oh, no, no.
MICKEY
Yeah. You know what, I'm gonna go freshen up. This is gonna be fun.
ALBA
Don't leave. No. Oh.
SABRINA
Oh! What are you doing?
CHIP
I was gonna go make a grilled cheese. What are you doing?
SABRINA
I'm going out.
CHIP
What if Grandma wakes up?
SABRINA
Well, you can tell her to eat a big fat.
TIPPY
And where might you two be going?
SABRINA
I was just going to make a grilled cheese.
CHIP
Huh? No, I-I was gonna go make a grilled cheese.
TIPPY
Ah, what a coincidence- everyone's got a midnight hankering for some grilled cheese.
SABRINA
Okay, fine, I'm going out. My friend Fuji is deejaying.
TIPPY
Oh, how fun. Did you hear that, Colonel? Fuji is deejaying.
SABRINA
Look, it's not that big of a deal- I'm just going dancing. Oh.
TIPPY
Well, why didn't you say so? You can dance right here.
SABRINA
What?
TIPPY
You heard me. Dance.
SABRINA
Come on, Grandma, this is insane.
TIPPY
Dance!
TIPPY
You gentlemen aren't going to let a lady dance alone, are you? Go on. Join her. That's better. Now we're having fun.
MICKEY
How you doing over there?
ALBA
I. Good, I think.
MICKEY
Yeah?
ALBA
My legs are heavy, but my mind is light. And my back is slick with a river of sweat. I feel relaxed but also focused. Kind of warm, too.
MICKEY
Mm-hmm.
ALBA
Overall, good. I feel good!
MICKEY
Great. That was a lot of info there. Thank you so much.
ALBA
Yeah. Mm. Mm!
MICKEY
Whoa-whoa! That's not what you want to gulp.
ALBA
Mm-mm. Mm.
MICKEY
No. no guzzling. All right, that's on you. Do you want to go dance?
ALBA
Yeah, lead the way, bitch!
MICKEY
Yeah!
MICKEY
Mm-hmm.
MICKEY
Aah! We're gonna die!
ALBA
What? What?
MICKEY
Okay, okay, we're home. We're home. Right on.
ALBA
Ay. Oh, my mind is in pain.
MICKEY
Oh, Alba, God, do you have to scream? It's like nails in a blender. Let's just get inside and pass out, and then. Wait, why is my window open? Didn't Jimmy mention something about a loan shark? Hold on a second. I got to make a phone call.
ALBA
Oh, the words you say mean n-nothing.
MICKEY
Just shu sh-sh-sh-shush.
JIMMY
Yo.
MICKEY
You're killing me. Oh, hey, Jimmy, hey. How's my big, sexy side of beef, huh? What are you doing?
JIMMY
Just dumping out. I ate some leftover clams for breakfast- they're wreaking havoc on my insides. What's up with you?
MICKEY
Nothing. Uh I just was hoping that you could come over here and wreak havoc on my insides.
JIMMY
Oh. You do, do you?
MICKEY
Yeah. Big-time. Uh get over here. Take me.
JIMMY
You asked for it. I'm gonna mop up, and I'll be right ov.
MICKEY
I mean.
CHIP
Grandma says come down for break. What are you doing?
SABRINA
This woman needs to know who she's messing with.
CHIP
You sure that's a good idea?
SABRINA
Oh, it's all part of the dance. She came at me, now I'll come at her, and round and round we'll go in this cruel little game of wits.
CHIP
You sound insane.
SABRINA
Do I? I learned it from Mickey. At least she appreciated a healthy rivalry. Come on.
TIPPY
Ah.
CHIP
Ow!
TIPPY
That's the colonel's bacon! You can have bacon when you earn bacon. You children have been spoiled rotten. I mean, for goodness' sake, Ben is the only one of you with any manners. Now, I suppose it's not entirely your fault. I blame my idiot son and that whore mother of yours. But I will restore dignity to our family if it's the last thing I do. Chip, from now on, you'll be the colonel's apprentice. You can start by cutting his food into little pieces and feeding him.
CHIP
Doesn't he have a nurse for that?
TIPPY
He does. You. And, uh, little Miss Rosemary Kennedy here will learn to behave like a lady, or she will suffer the consequences.
SABRINA
Yes, Grandma. Whatever you say.
TIPPY
Good.
TIPPY
Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to enjoy my coffee.
SABRINA
Oh! What? What? You ruined my blouse, you wrinkly bitch!
TIPPY
Your blouse was ruined by your inability to fill it out.
TIPPY
Now, go put on a fresh pot.
JIMMY
Let's do this. Oh, yeah, here we go. Oh, yeah.
MICKEY
Oh, sh.
JIMMY
Wait, wait. Ooh.
MICKEY
My goodness.
JIMMY
Mickey?
LOAN SHARK
Mickey.
MICKEY
Time to boogie.
ALBA
Do something!
MICKEY
Don't worry, I got this. Suck solar, bitch. What-What's happening? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Hey.
LOAN SHARK
$4,200, Mick. Where is it?
MICKEY
Where do you think it is?
LOAN SHARK
Do I look like I'm playing games?
MICKEY
Okay. I don't have it. But what do you say you take that car out front and we call it even, huh?
LOAN SHARK
I don't want your stolen car. I'm a loan shark, not a car thief.
LOAN SHARK
Sit. Both of you.
ALBA
Mickey, I am scared. Your life is very sad.
MICKEY
Yes, I know that, okay? Thank you.
ALBA
I want to go home to Greenwich.
MICKEY
It's too late. We've burned that bridge.
ALBA
You burned that bridge.
MICKEY
We both burned that bridge. It doesn't matter who lit the match.
ALBA
We must beg their forgiveness. Mr. Chip will give you the money to pay for this mess.
MICKEY
No. I am not borrowing money from a 12-year-old.
LOAN SHARK
Honestly, Mickey, I'm depressed for you. You literally have nothing.
MICKEY
Yeah, that's what I said.
LOAN SHARK
Well, I hate to do it, but you leave me no choice. Put your hand flat on the table.
MICKEY
Okay, look, I know you got to do the whole tough guy routine, but, listen, you and I, we all know that you're not actually gonna hit a lady. Oh, my God!
MICKEY
Oh! You crushed me!
LOAN SHARK
Next hand. Hurry. I got to pick my boy up from day care.
MICKEY
No, no, no, no, no! I got the money, I got the money.
LOAN SHARK
Where?
MICKEY
It's in Connecticut. Just give me a couple hours.
LOAN SHARK
You think I'm an idiot? Give me that hand!
MICKEY
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! I'll leave you Alba as collateral.
ALBA
What?
LOAN SHARK
Hurry.
MICKEY
Yeah, yeah, yeah. What?
ALBA
Please don't leave me.
MICKEY
Alba, listen to me. You got to trust me right now, okay? Please trust me.
ALBA
No, I don't trust you. You drugged me.
MICKEY
Well, that was for your own good. I mean, look how far you've come.
MICKEY
All right, listen, I need you to do me a favor. I did you a favor. It's your turn to do me a favor. That's what best friends do.
ALBA
We are best friends?
MICKEY
Well, I don't know. Are we?
ALBA
Yeah.
MICKEY
All right.
CHIP
"Meh, meh, meh. Look at me. I'm the colonel. I'm a war hero." I'll show you a war, you old bastard. What happened to you?! I loved you, Grandpa! I loved you!
SABRINA
What are you doing?
CHIP
Huh? Nothing. Just, uh, meditating. Oh. What happened to your face?
SABRINA
Oatmeal Boobs threw away my makeup.
CHIP
Do you always look like that?
SABRINA
Shut up. I was up all night dancing the Charleston. The woman is awful.
CHIP
Tell me about it. The colonel's ruining my life.
SABRINA
What are you talking about? The guy's a vegetable.
CHIP
He is a manipulative scumbag, and he needs to be stopped.
MICKEY
Just hear me out, okay? 'Cause I know that.
CHIP
Oh, thank God you're here. You got to help us.
SABRINA
You left us alone with an abusive lunatic.
MICKEY
What happened to your face?
CHIP
Spooky, right?
MICKEY
Yeah.
SABRINA:
Are you gonna help us or not?
MICKEY
Uh. Guys, Alba and I got a pretty sweet thing going on, so.
CHIP
Name your price.
MICKEY
Well, you are family. So I guess I'll have to take that into consideration. Ugh. I'll come down to $4,200.
SABRINA
Bizarrely specific but fine.
CHIP
Okay, just get them out of here, 'cause if I have to scrub the colonel's disgusting tattooed carcass one more time, I'm gonna lose my mind.
MICKEY
Guy's got tattoos, huh? That's pretty sweet. He's got a cross, a dragonfly, some weird poem about the sea.
MICKEY
Hold on a second. He has a dragonfly tattoo?
CHIP
Yeah. It's big. It's right on his wrinkly tit.
MICKEY
Right here?
CHIP
Yeah.
MICKEY
Oh, my God.
MICKEY
Tippy. Hey, super sorry for the barge-in. I'm Mickey. We spoke.
TIPPY
I know who you are. You're the sister of that whore who stole my son.
MICKEY
Yeah. That's me. So, listen, I know I told you I needed you to watch the kids, but a couple things fell through on my end, so we won't be needing you anymore. Sorry for the inconvenience. Hey, you know what? Grab a car on your way out.
TIPPY
Oh, I'm not going anywhere.
MICKEY
Well, that's unfortunate. You leave me no choice but to reveal a scandal so very scandalous that it will shatter the foundation of the Pemberton name. That's right, Colonel. You've been a busy boy, haven't you? A very bad, busy little boy. Now, we all know the colonel is a man of many passions. But none burn brighter than that of the female flesh. Even he was no match for the temptresses who inhabit the tiny island nation of Guatemala!
SABRINA
Guatemala isn't an island.
MICKEY
Would you. I I'm doing a thing.
SABRINA
I know. It's just taking forever.
MICKEY
I'm building up to something.
SABRINA
Build faster.
MICKEY
Could you stop interrupting me?
SABRINA
If you just do it.
MICKEY
Yeah, okay! Thank you!
SABRINA
Okay.
MICKEY
Anyway there's no denying that the colonel has done a great many things for the landlocked nation of Guatemala. His legacy will forever be etched in the roads he's paved, the schools he's built, and the faces of his bastard children. That's right. The colonel is Alba's father! Why else would he have a dragonfly tattoo over his heart, if not to honor his precious libélula? What's the matter, Colonel? Cat got your tongue?
TIPPY
I believe the, uh, tattoo you're referring to is the B-24 Bomber. Much like the one he bravely flew over the Pacific.
MICKEY
Yeah. Okay. Well, um. Thank you for your service.
TIPPY
You're no different from your sister. You're just a dimwitted gold digger trying to suckle from the mighty Pemberton teat. Well, so long as I have breath in my body, you will never.
CHIP
Is she gonna be okay?
MICKEY
Yeah, yeah. Of course. Well, she did break both of her hips, you know? So, no, she's not.
PARAMEDIC
These kids have somebody to watch them tonight?
MICKEY
I mean, yeah, I guess I could stay, you know, if you guys need me.
CHIP
Yeah, if you're not busy.
MICKEY
Well, I am busy. I'm very busy, Chip. That's not the question. The question is, you know, do you want me to stay? You know, I can, if you're desperate.
SABRINA
I mean, I wouldn't say that we're desperate, but yeah, I guess, technically, we need somebody.
MICKEY
Okay, so if it's a technical issue, then, yeah,
SABRINA
Yeah.
MICKEY
all right.
JIMMY
Eh, look at that. Sounds like we all need each other.
CHIP
Who is he?
JIMMY
I'm Jimmy. I'm the boyfriend.
MICKEY
No, he's not my boyfriend.
JIMMY
Come on, we've been plowing for ten years.
MICKEY
All right, Jimmy, can we? Come on, let's not do this right now, okay? Come here, Ben. Let's get you out of this thing before somebody else gets hurt. You little murderer.
BEN
Where's Alba?