AGENT ALBA BEN BOY CHIP CHRISTOPHER GINO JIMMY LIZ MACKENZIE OFFICER PAMELA SABRINA STEFFI VENDOR JIMMY They're in this cocoon but they wake up and it's like a primordial soup. MACKENZIE Soup, I know. Please stop. JIMMY And their mouth is the butt and the butt's the mouth, I just MACKENZIE I I know, I already know! I just don't want to hear it again. No offense, I, you're driving me freaking nuts. JIMMY I'm excited! I've never been to a mansion before! MACKENZIE Well, it's not a social visit, all right? My sister sucks. JIMMY Hey, okay. That's your sister. MACKENZIE Yeah, you despise your sister. JIMMY Yeah, well, 'cause my sister's a locksmith. She lives in a box. Your sister's a freaking millionaire. MACKENZIE Well, no. She married a millionaire, there's a big difference. JIMMY Oh. Baby got a big old butt. Ha ha! That's gasoline. MACKENZIE What? Oh, my God! Why do you have gasoline? JIMMY Well, I'm not going to pay Greenwich prices. MACKENZIE So you keep it in a juice jug? JIMMY Yeah. You spit it all over my dash. MACKENZIE What did you want me to do with it? JIMMY I don't know, deal with- here we go. Cop. Cop. Cop. Put the gas away. MACKENZIE Why? JIMMY I got this. I got you. I got you. MACKENZIE What happened? OFFICER Howdy. Everything okay here? JIMMY Security. MACKENZIE Yeah. JIMMY Yeah. We're fine, not that it's any of your concern. OFFICER You guys lost? MACKENZIE No. My sister lives here. OFFICER Okay. Stay out of trouble. JIMMY Will do, Officer. JIMMY What the hell was that? MACKENZIE Well. JIMMY The guy treats us like a bunch of low lives? MACKENZIE Yeah, welcome to Greenwich. JIMMY Yeah, I should have spit on him. MACKENZIE Whoa, whoa, whoa. Jimmy where are you going? JIMMY To the barbecue. MACKENZIE Oh, no. No, you're not coming in with me. JIMMY Why not? MACKENZIE Cause you're embarrassing. You embarrass me. I'm embarrassed of you. You know. JIMMY Then why the hell did I just drive up here from Rhode Island? MACKENZIE So I can drink. Just pop on the game. JIMMY No, I'm not going to sit out here like some goon and. Ninth, go, go. Shut up. I don't even-- Shut up, swing of crap. MACKENZIE Can I bum a smoke, please? SABRINA No. MACKENZIE Well, okay, fine. I'll kick you a dollar. SABRINA It's okay, I already have a dollar. Thank you, though. MACKENZIE Well, it's just kind of customary to help out a fellow smoker in need. SABRINA I get the sense that you're in need a lot. MACKENZIE What's your problem? SABRINA I don't have a problem. You do. Otherwise we wouldn't be having this conversation. MACKENZIE Sorry to bother you. SABRINA It's okay. MACKENZIE Intercepted. SABRINA Are you serious? Bitch. MACKENZIE Bitch. CHIP Relax, Mom. It's only cider. Hello, everyone. I'm Chip Pemberton. I live right up there. In the spirit of Labor Day let's give it up to the real laborers, the caterers, the valet, and... MACKENZIE Hey, there. PAMELA Oh, my God. Mackenzie. MACKENZIE What? PAMELA Hi. What are you, um, wha- what are you doing here? MACKENZIE Well, you invited me. PAMELA But we invite you every year and you never come. MACKENZIE Huh. CHRISTOPHER Mackenzie, wow. MACKENZIE Christopher. What has it been like, eight, nine years? CHRISTOPHER Oh, I got to get this. Hello. PAMELA No, I can't-- Okay. Uh, Liz, look. Um, this is my sister, Mackenzie. LIZ Oh, this is the sister. PAMELA Yes. MACKENZIE The sister. LIZ Yeah. MACKENZIE What are you? You're the? LIZ Neighbor. MACKENZIE The neighbor. LIZ Well, I'll let you two catch up. PAMELA You don't. LIZ Poodle, call me. PAMELA Mm-hmm. LIZ Good luck. PAMELA Okay. MACKENZIE Did she just call you Poodle? PAMELA It's cute, right? MACKENZIE Poodle, huh? PAMELA Yeah. MACKENZIE All right. PAMELA You look nice. MACKENZIE Thank you so much. PAMELA Yeah. MACKENZIE What'd you do to your- you did something to your face? PAMELA I did. Yeah. I upgraded a bit. MACKENZIE Uh-huh. BEN Mommy. I got a nose bleed. PAMELA Oh, gross. Could Alba, could you? ALBA Oh, yes, Mrs. Poodle. BEN Gracias, Alba. ALBA Oh, I'm almost Olympiad. PAMELA They have their own little secret language. So annoying. And you should see Sabrina. Oh, my-- oh, there she is. Sabrina, look, it's your Aunt Mackenzie. MACKENZIE Sabrina. SABRINA Wow. Aunt Mackenzie. I haven't seen you since you were young. PAMELA Sabrina's going to Yale next year. SABRINA I got into Yale. That doesn't mean I'm going. PAMELA Well, you should. MACKENZIE That's probably a good call. SABRINA Cute. Remind me, what do you do again? MACKENZIE You know how it goes, just kind of in between things. SABRINA I don't, but good luck with your things. MACKENZIE Thank you. PAMELA Isn't she amazing? MACKENZIE Oh, she is. I am amazed. So, listen. PAMELA Yeah. MACKENZIE Poodle. I wanted to give you an opportunity to invest in my future. PAMELA There it is. This is the Mickey that I know. MACKENZIE What are you talking about? PAMELA Honey, I was half your age when I settled down. MACKENZIE Settled down? You got knocked up by some rich guy when you were working as a stripper. PAMELA I was waitress at a strip club. MACKENZIE You were a topless waitress. And that's even worse. It just means you couldn't dance. PAMELA Hey. I am a great dancer. AGENT fbi. We have a warrant for the arrest of Christopher and Pamela Pemberton. For fraud. JIMMY What? PAMELA Watch the shoes. MACKENZIE Oh, hey, wait, wait, wait, wait. Hang on. That's my sister. Poodle. PAMELA Hi. MACKENZIE What the hell? PAMELA Yeah, I don't know. Listen. I need you to watch the kids tonight. MACKENZIE Your kids? PAMELA Yeah. MACKENZIE No, no, I'm a bad choice for that job. PAMELA Oh, no, no, no. You just need to get them to school in the morning. Okay, this whole thing is a huge misunderstanding. MACKENZIE Have that neighbor lady, the one with the hat? PAMELA Absolutely not. I'd never hear the end of it. MACKENZIE Uh, babysitter? Don't you have a babysitter? Oh, I know! Get one of those guys outside the hardware store to do it. They'll do it. PAMELA Damn it, Mickey. My hands are kind of tied right now. Okay, watch the hair. Listen, just act like their aunt for one day and I'll get you the money that you need, okay? And don't ruin them. MACKENZIE So, your parents are safe and they just wanted to see if I could spend a little time with you guys while this whole thing gets sorted. CHIP It will get sorted, okay? And when it does, those fbi pigs will be the ones rotting in jail. BEN Mommy and Daddy are in jail? CHIP Don't worry, Ben. The scales of justice tip in favor of the wealthy. If we throw enough money at this thing, I'm sure it will go away. And then, we'll sue their asses for defamation, okay? BEN Okay. MACKENZIE Okay. So, I have an idea. Ooh, why don't we all just hunker down and play poker all night long until this whole thing blows over? SABRINA That's not going to work for me. Yeah, I'm going to go to this fundraiser for Planned Parenthood. Probably crash at my friend's place, go to the city tomorrow. So just don't expect to see me too much. You know what, we probably won't see each other at all. MACKENZIE Hmm. SABRINA But hey, let's catch up again in ten years when you need another loan. MACKENZIE Listen, Sabrina, I got a lot riding on this gig, so can you do me a favor and not be a big, giant, pain in the ass, please? SABRINA Maybe you don't know this, but Planned Parenthood provides healthcare to over three million women in this country. MACKENZIE Oh, sweetie. I know all about Planned Parenthood. I should have one of those punch cards that gets you a free sub every ten visits. SABRINA Gross. MACKENZIE No, I just meant, I didn't, I never got like, uh, I just have a bunch of bacterial infections, you know what? SABRINA Ew. MACKENZIE The point is, you want to make a difference? Go out on the frontline. Right? Chain yourself to a redwood. Light yourself on fire. Just not tonight, understood? SABRINA I'm sorry, were you saying something? I was distracted by how uneven your eyebrows are. SABRINA My Uber's here, so I'm out. I'll be home whenever. MACKENZIE Cool. SABRINA What are you drinking? MACKENZIE Oh, just some absinthe. Want to take a ride? SABRINA Seriously? MACKENZIE You're not driving. SABRINA Sure, what the hell? Okay. MACKENZIE Yes. Listen. I feel like we got off on the wrong foot. And I know that you're going through a lot right now, um, with your parents and. SABRINA Oh, I don't care about that. MACKENZIE Oh. Okay. Well, whether you do or you don't. SABRINA I don't. MACKENZIE All right, well, the point is, I'm your aunt and I want to be the cool aunt. I want you to come to me with boy problems. Or girl problems. I don't assume. What do you say? Can we start over, please? SABRINA Yeah, okay. Why not? MACKENZIE Mm-hmm. SABRINA Um, I just, like, I'm really happy that we're talking, and I don't know, I just feel like there is just something that I wanted to say to you. MACKENZIE Yes. Anything, please. SABRINA I know you think you're pretty clever with this little plan to drink me under the table. But you see, there are two problems. You're not. And you can't. Peace out, Mackenzie. MACKENZIE Uh-oh. Something the matter? SABRINA No, I'm good. I just felt kind of funny for a second. MACKENZIE Oh, man. Funny how? Funny like you just drank six different types of sleep medication funny? SABRINA What? MACKENZIE You got straight played, homie. SABRINA No, but you took it too. I MACKENZIE I don't want you to worry about me. I can't handle my 'Quil. SABRINA Why would you do that? MACKENZIE Because I own you. SABRINA What? MACKENZIE Night night, princess. Let's get you into your jams. SABRINA No. MACKENZIE Come on, I got you. SABRINA Wait. Wait. Hold on. MACKENZIE Upsy-daisy. MACKENZIE Keys. Alba. I need some car keys. The kids are late. ALBA Oh, the kids go to school already. Mrs. Poodle likes to sleep in, too, so I took care of it. MACKENZIE Oh. That was easy. ALBA You want me to make you breakfast? MACKENZIE Well, I mean, I don't want you to not make me breakfast. MACKENZIE All right, so what's the deal with that pool? Is it heated? ALBA Oh, I don't know. I never tried. MACKENZIE You're telling me you're here every single day busting your hump, these entitled monkeys don't even let you get wet? ALBA Oh, I cannot swim. MACKENZIE That's not the point. The pool's a metaphor. No, you're getting boxed out, and I don't like that. ALBA Oh. MACKENZIE I'll you what. As long as I'm here, you and me, we're equals. ALBA Yeah? MACKENZIE Oh, yeah. In fact, pull up a chair. We're eating breakfast together. ALBA Really? MACKENZIE Mm-hmm. ALBA Okay. MACKENZIE Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, wait. I mean, you got to cook the food first. ALBA Oh. MACKENZIE But after that, equal. MACKENZIE Okay, here come the shoes. MACKENZIE Come closer, I can't reach it. Trust me. MACKENZIE Oh, man. Bummer. MACKENZIE Yep. MACKENZIE Catch it! ALBA Oh, what? I don't want it. All right. MACKENZIE Whoa, oh! MACKENZIE Whoa! BEN What's the matter with her? CHIP I think she's dead. SABRINA She's not dead. I can see her breathing. MACKENZIE Oh, hey. You guys are home. Cool. What's everybody thinking for dinner? BEN We just ate breakfast. CHIP You were like this when we came home from school yesterday MACKENZIE Huh? Well, where's Alba? ALBA Help! Somebody! MACKENZIE All right, well, uh, good morning. What's that crap on your head? BEN An owl. It's our mascot. CHIP We're unveiling a live one today at assembly. It's going to be awesome. SABRINA It's not going to be awesome. It's sick. He's going to be trapped in a cage while a bunch of morons poke him and feed him gummy bears. MACKENZIE Ugh, change the record. This song sucks. SABRINA How would you feel if someone ripped you off your barstool and threw you in a cage? MACKENZIE I cannot count the number of times I have been ripped off a barstool and thrown in a cage. SABRINA Cool story. We're going to head out, okay? Give my regards to the groom. MACKENZIE Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. How about I drive you guys? I should probably get out of the house. Yesterday kind of got away from me. MACKENZIE Get in there you bastard, that'll do it. Ah. Here. Here we are. Bye, Sabrina! Have a great day! I love you! Auntie loves you all day long! STEFFI Morning, Chip. CHIP Hey, Steffi. How's it going? GINO S'up Chippy? How your folks liking the clink? BOY Oh. CHIP Freaking Gino Pinero. I hate that guy. MACKENZIE Yeah. Well, do something about it. CHIP Like what? The guy is a maniac. He stuck a garden hose up Danny Corkin's butt and the water shot out of his nose. MACKENZIE Okay. Well, that didn't happen, but I am delighted that the rumor exists. Look, pal, next time he gives you crap, yank his pants down and point at his tiny pecker. That'll do it. CHIP You're insane. Okay? He'll pound me MACKENZIE No. Humor trumps violence. Trust me. Girls want the funny guy. LIZ Mackenzie! MACKENZIE Ah! Oh. LIZ I thought that was you. Liz. Poodle's friend. MACKENZIE Mm-hmm. LIZ How are you managing with the kids? Sabrina can be a bit of a handful. MACKENZIE Sabrina? No she's been very helpful, I don't know how I'd manage without her. LIZ Well, I got to run. Make sure you get some sleep, you look tired. Bye, hon. MACKENZIE Bye, hon. That woman is a real see you next Tuesday. BEN What happens on Tuesday? MACKENZIE Tacos. Two dollar drink specials. What are you still doing there BEN I miss Mommy and Daddy. MACKENZIE Well, I'll tell you what, kid. Why don't you pop on up front? You are playing hooky today. Come on. BEN But what if I miss something important? MACKENZIE Like what? How to roll your boogers between your fingers until they disappear? Buckle up. MACKENZIE Bleh. I am hungover. BEN What's hungover? MACKENZIE Well, you know, it's like, you know when you eat a whole bunch of candy? Sweet stuff, and at the time it feels great, but then the next day you got, like, a tummy ache? BEN Uh-huh. MACKENZIE That's hungover. BEN Have you tried pooping? Sometimes that makes my tummy feel better. MACKENZIE I have not, but I will definitely take that into consideration. Thank you. Uh, hey, Ben, you hungry? You, uh, feeling like having some ice cream? BEN I can't. My mom says I'm allergic. MACKENZIE Yeah, well, I got news for you, pal. Your mom is just projecting her own eating disorders onto you. BEN What's projecting? MACKENZIE Great question. Projecting. That's, like, when something's wrong with you, but you think something's wrong with somebody else. VENDOR Trash fire! MACKENZIE What? VENDOR Fire! Help! Hey! MACKENZIE Oh, yeah! Somebody get that! VENDOR Hey! MACKENZIE Here you go, buddy, dig in. BEN Why didn't we pay for it? MACKENZIE I don't have any money. BEN Why not? MACKENZIE Some people have less money than others. BEN Why? MACKENZIE Look, pal. I'm not going to just stop the whole day and explain the ins and outs of the economy to you, all right now? 'Cause it's boring, okay? And also 'cause I don't totally have a firm grasp on it myself. BEN Well, I would have paid for you. MACKENZIE You are so sweet. Now, don't you go breaking your piggy bank open. Is that-- is that a Black Card? MACKENZIE Sabrina? SABRINA What's up? MACKENZIE What is that gross bird doing in this house? SABRINA I stole him from school. I just couldn't watch him be treated like that anymore, you know? MACKENZIE Oh, yes. Yes. I'm sure he's much happier here listening to thumping techno with your moron friends. Control your animal! SABRINA Relax! I'm going to liberate him in a wildlife preserve near Stratford. MACKENZIE Are you insane? Take him back to school right this second before you get busted. Oh, great! What happened to you? CHIP I'll tell you what happened. I tried to trump violence with humor, and violence won by a landslide. MACKENZIE Well, clearly, you didn't do it right. Did you remember to laugh at his tiny penis? That part's pretty important. CHIP It was humongous! I'm lucky he didn't beat me with it. MACKENZIE Okay. Go put a steak on your face or something, I don't know. Sabrina, can you please try and think for a second? SABRINA You're the one who told me to get out on the front lines. MACKENZIE Well, I don't- I give terrible advice! Everybody knows that. CHIP: Look at me! I'm grotesque. I'm going to sue his ass. MACKENZIE For what? CHIP Battery. And then I'm going to sue the school for negligence. MACKENZIE Okay. Pipe down, all right? You're not going to sure your way into this girl's pants. CHIP Oh, yeah? Watch me. MACKENZIE Now what? What do you want? LIZ Just checking in. You don't strike me as much of a cook, so I brought you a casserole. MACKENZIE Oh, you are so, so sweet. Oh, shoot. LIZ You did that on purpose. MACKENZIE Mm-hmm. LIZ Oh, my, what did you do to him? MACKENZIE No. I didn't do that. He got pounded at school for checking out some kid's wiener. CHIP Because of you! Now Steffi thinks I'm a joke and Gino's got the raddest freaking dong in school. MACKENZIE Okay. Agh. BEN Mickey, can I have some more ice cream? LIZ That's it. I'm calling the cops. MACKENZIE Why don't you call the cops from your house? LIZ Get your hands off me. MACKENZIE Lady, I haven't even begun to put hands on you. OFFICER Afternoon ladies. MACKENZIE Oh, you again. OFFICER Is everything okay? LIZ Officer, this woman assaulted me. MACKENZIE Number one, that is ludicrous. Number two, this man is an officer of nothing. LIZ She's a danger to these children. MACKENZIE The kids are fine. OFFICER They do not look fine. MACKENZIE You know what? Why don't you both get out of my house? LIZ It's not your house. OFFICER Can I see some identification? MACKENZIE I'm not showing you dick. Sabrina. Don't you go anywhere. I am not done talking to you. OFFICER Do you live here? SABRINA Yeah. OFFICER Who is this? SABRINA No idea. OFFICER Okay, ma'am. Why don't we step outside until we figure this out? MACKENZIE You are not even a real cop. You've got a cloth badge. OFFICER Don't make me detain you. MACKENZIE With what? You have no gun. OFFICER No, I have a Taser. MACKENZIE Bitch, I hope you brought two, 'cause mama's got a real high tolerance. OFFICER Okay. Here we go. Oh no! Oh, my God, I'm so sorry! Are you okay? MACKENZIE I doubt it! OFFICER This is all your fault! I'm calling the real police... CHIP Oh! MACKENZIE Whoa! Alba! Are you serious? That was unbelievable. ALBA I don't like these people, but I like you. So go stop Sabrina and don't worry, I will clean this up. MACKENZIE Yeah. Yeah. Just to be clear, when you say clean it up? ALBA Oh, I take them home, make sure they're okay. MACKENZIE Okay. Good, good, good. Thank you! ALBA Mm-hmm. MACKENZIE Sabrina, it's me! Gah! Listen to me, you can't just steal owls. If you free this owl, I will murder another one, just to even the score. So, know that! This is an insane message. Call me back. MACKENZIE Sabrina, where are you? Sabrina, are you okay? SABRINA Yeah, I'm cool. I'm at this loft party in SoHo. It's all right. MACKENZIE Then what am I doing at the wildlife preserve? SABRINA Pop the trunk. MACKENZIE No, Ben. Give me the matches. Please stay out of my purse, okay? Hello? PAMELA Hey, sis, it's me. MACKENZIE Where the hell are you? PAMELA Oh, uh, we had to flee the country. MACKENZIE What? I thought you said it was a misunderstanding. PAMELA It was. It is. MACKENZIE Well. PAMELA It's complicated. Listen. I need you to watch the kids a little longer. MACKENZIE No. No. Nope. No, I'm not going to do that. I already did my time. No, my answer's no. PAMELA Uh, sorry, Mick, no, yeah, you're breaking up. MACKENZIE Nope. PAMELA I can't hear you. The connection is... MACKENZIE Oh, no, no, no. I know what you're doing. Stop it. I can hear you just fine. No, Poodle. PAMELA All right. Thanks, sis. Tell the kids Mommy loves them. I'll be back soon. MACKENZIE No, Poodle. No. Poodle, no. PAMELA All right, can't hear you. Hanging up, got to go. MACKENZIE Don't you hang up the phone. Hello? Hello? SABRINA You okay? You don't look so hot. I mean, you never look great, but right now you look, like, actively bad. MACKENZIE No, I'm fine Sabrina. Thank you for your concern. How are you? SABRINA I'm awesome. This chicken is fantastic. MACKENZIE Oh, sweetheart. That's not chicken.