ANNOUNCER BARTENDER CHILDREN CROWD DEAN DEAN_SR DEBBIE DEVIN ETHAN GALLERY GRINDER JOEL JUDGE_ROSSMYRE JUROR KRANTZ LEONARD LIZZIE MAN PAPARAZZI PAPARAZZO REPORTER STEWART TODD VICTOR WITNESS YOLANDA ANNOUNCER For eight seasons, America has been watching him grind. Tonight, it all grinds to a halt. Stay tuned for a very special episode, The Grinder series finale. GRINDER Why don't you say that again, so that everyone can hear you. WITNESS I wasn't on the rooftop. GRINDER She wasn't... on... the rooftop. DEVIN You need to settle, Grinder. GRINDER I don't settle! Ever! This is our house! Stutz & Grinder! Was he a good man? No. But that doesn't make... him a killer. STEWART He's mouthing the freaking words. DEBBIE Shh, shh, shh. CHILDREN Ring around the rosie GRINDER What is it that I'm not seeing? What if this is the one I can't win? DEVIN What if it's the one you have to? GRINDER Grinder rests. One last time. DEBBIE Wow. Wow. DEAN SR Whoa. ETHAN That was so tight. LIZZIE I loved that. DEAN SR Powerful stuff, son. DEBBIE Wow. LIZZIE Amazing. DEAN Yeah, no, that was, uh... that was a good finale. ETHAN It was amazing. LIZZIE It's-it's so cool, like, watching you, like, watch the show and stuff. DEAN And it seemed truthful to-to you guys as lawyers? DEAN SR Oh, yeah. Yeah. It was great. STEWART It felt as-as real as... as all the other ones. DEAN So what was your favorite part about it, little bro? STEWART Well, it-it was a... it was a g-good case. DEAN Mmm. STEWART A very... a very satisfying way to... to-to say good-bye to the show. DEAN Could you be more specific? STEWART Sure. Um, I liked that, um... that he was a lone wolf, you know? Uh, The Grinder. And... yet now he's decided to have a-a family. DEAN That's one way to interpret it. ETHAN So, what are you gonna do now, Uncle Dean? DEAN I don't know. I mean, right now, I'm just... driving on the highway of... "what the hell is my life," looking for a off-ramp. I think I just got to pull the car over, you know? Just get out and... see what life has to offer. DEAN SR Makes total sense. DEBBIE I get it. I get it. LIZZIE Yeah. DEBBIE Just take it all in. ETHAN Change the oil maybe. LIZZIE Totally. DEBBIE Take a deep breath. ETHAN Pull out the key. DEAN SR Stretch your legs a little. DEBBIE 100%. ETHAN See what's out there. STEWART Am I the only one who thinks this highway thing is stupid? The "life is a highway"? He didn't just invent that, you know, tonight, here. DEBBIE You are really upset about this highway metaphor. STEWART I hate that he brings this out in me. You know? I'm not that guy. DEBBIE You're not that guy. STEWART I'm this guy! DEBBIE Yeah, you are. STEWART I'm cool! DEBBIE You're so cool. It's gonna be fine, honey. He's leaving in, like, three days. STEWART Like his show ending is an existential dilemma, you know? DEBBIE I know. It's ridiculous. STEWART It is ridiculous. I don't think you realize how ridiculous it is. And everyone's so worried about him. Hey, you know what? The TV star is gonna be fine. Look at me. I'm a mess. DEBBIE It's all right, babe. You just get riled up every time he comes into town because, you know, he's this big star and it makes you feel like a side character. STEWART No, that's not it at all. I don't feel like a side character. DEBBIE I know, right? Who would say something like that? STEWART You just said it two seconds ago. DEBBIE Ha, ha, ha, ha. STEWART Don't-don't be... You think being cute's gonna make me forget the side character thing? DEBBIE Is it a little bit? STEWART A little bit it is. It is... Yes, it's working surprisingly well, actually. You're very good at this. ETHAN Mom, Dad, is it cool if Joel Zadak comes over tomorrow night? DEBBIE The... tenth grader? STEWART That's the football player, right? ETHAN Yeah. STEWART He wants to... with you? Here-Here? ETHAN I've been really coming into my own lately, and I think he's picking up on that. DEBBIE Oh. STEWART Okay. DEBBIE Cool. STEWART Sure. ETHAN Awesome. "Pace." STEWART "Pay-eece." DEBBIE "Pace." STEWART Coming into his own kind of like a-a douchebag, huh? DEBBIE Oh, my God. STEWART Hey. DEAN Couldn't sleep. STEWART It's 8:30. DEAN Man, I like what you got here. STEWART Thank you, Dean. DEAN You've got it all figured out, you know? You always have. Kids are growing up so good, and... Debbie, man... Wow, I forgot how rad she is. It's beautiful to see. It's beautiful. I have none of it. STEWART Dean, you're being a little dramatic. You have a lot. DEAN You did it. I mean, you made the right choices that lead to a meaningful life. And I want that. And... you make me think I can have it. STEWART I make you think that? DEAN I love you, brother. I love you so damn much. You inspire me, man. STEWART Okay. Okay. DEAN Oh. STEWART (We don't do this enough, hug for a really long time like this. DEAN What's with the notecards, Stew? DEAN SR Your kid brother still gets butterflies before he goes to court. DEAN Hey, man. Can I pitch something? STEWART I can't imagine that'd be helpful. DEAN SR Oh, yeah. STEWART What the hell, Dean? I need those cards! DEAN You only think you need them. What's the precedent? STEWART Kemper v. Manheim, 1997. DEAN Camryn Manheim. See? You're like an encyclopedia for this crap. DEAN SR You're perfect. Let's go. MAN Grinder! DEAN Hey, man! Thanks for watching! Love ya! JUDGE ROSSMYRE Prelim hearing, Krantz v. Ramirez. Counsel? STEWART Your Honor, my client, Victor Ramirez, has resided at 887 Oak for nine years. On June 5, landlord Albert T. Krantz attempted to raise monthly rent to $750, violating section 2-9A of the Idaho general statu... statute. LEONARD Um, I have a question. Have you ever talked before? TODD Nice. STEWART He claims that by missing the March payment, you violated the terms of the lease, giving him cause to terminate and issue you a new lease at, essentially, whatever rate he wants. VICTOR We didn't miss payment. He just never cash it. YOLANDA Because he want us out to raise rent. TODD We hear that and we empathize with it, but, frankly, this missing check is just crushing us. STEWART He's offering you $1,000 to cover moving costs, and we recommend you take it and settle. DEAN Counsel? Do you mind if I counter? STEWART That seems wildly inappropriate. DEAN We don't move. And we don't pay one more cent in rent. STEWART Dean... VICTOR I like that plan. YOLANDA Are you Grinder? VICTOR Is he helping with case? STEWART No. He is not helping. He's not a lawyer. DEAN Right now, this case is all about apartments and rent. But what it should be about... is character. I say we turn this whole thing on its head and put Krantz on the defensive. YOLANDA That sound smart to me. DEAN SR Me, too. Stew? STEWART No. This is a terrible idea. We should definitely settle. We will 100% lose the case. TODD I feel like I'm in a Grinder episode right now. DEAN Season four, episode nine. "Settle to the Metal." We learned something very important in that episode. The Grinder never settles. TODD Settles. He never settles. DEAN It's not-not in his nature. TODD Mm-mm. DEAN I need to ask everyone here, is it in our nature to settle? VICTOR I don't think so. YOLANDA No, seņor. DEAN SR I'm tired of settling. TODD Yeah. DEAN SR I feel like all we do around here is settle. STEWART I can't believe this is an actual conversation. DEAN Victor, this is your call. Do you want to pack your things? Or do you want to roll the dice? VICTOR Mr. Stewart, we roll the dice. DEAN Ah. YOLANDA Go to trial like The Grinder say. TODD Yeah! Grind it! DEAN Yeah. DEAN That was so exciting! Man! It's so clear to me now. Dad was a great lawyer. You're a great lawyer. I became a character who was a great lawyer. I need to be doing this for real. STEWART So you're gonna go to law school? DEAN Well, I don't think I need that, what with the show and all. STEWART Oh, sure, well, acting on a TV show's the equivalent of going to law school, so why would you need that? DEAN How can I say this? Let's say you're at a restaurant, and Noah Wyle is two tables down. You go into cardiac arrest. You don't think Noah Wyle could step in and help? DEAN SR I like this analogy. STEWART Yes, he could help, by calling a doctor. Because he is an actor. DEAN So you would rather go into cardiac arrest next to someone who didn't play a doctor on television, rather than Noah Wyle, who did and probably picked stuff up along the way? DEAN SR Not me. I'll take Wyle. STEWART Okay, fine. I guess in this very specific hypothetical, I would rather have a heart attack next to Noah Wyle. DEAN SR Absolutely. DEAN Grinder rests. STEWART And now, we are going to trial on an eviction case for a $650-a-month apartment. DEBBIE I think it's sweet, actually, you know? He's trying to impress you. He wants to be more like his brother, as well he should. And you know Dean. He's probably already on to something else. DEAN Hey, guys. Is an adversary proceeding basically just a trial that takes place within the context of a bankruptcy case? STEWART Yeah, pretty much. Why? DEAN I got my assistant hooking up the bar for later in the month. STEWART Oh, you're taking the bar? Here? So you're gonna stay, here, longer? DEAN Well, you can't take the Idaho Bar in California. Come on, man. Stick with me on this. STEWART I guess you're right, Dean. You have to stay here to take the bar here. DEAN Be good, you two. STEWART You be good! DEBBIE I mean, it actually sounds like he knows what he's talking about. STEWART That's the thing, Deb, it's just words, you know? Yes, in eight years on his show, he knows a lot of legal words, but he doesn't know what they mean. I know the words, but I just can't say them right all the time. DEBBIE You say them really well, sweetie. STEWART He's never gonna leave! He's-he's gonna stay here forever, and I'm gonna be stuck talking up here in this octave forever. DEBBIE I hope not. STEWART I don't think it is up here. DEBBIE It's bad. STEWART I talk down here. This is my normal voice. DEBBIE No, that's too low. STEWART That's a little low. But here's right. Here's right. Right there? DEBBIE There you are. Uh-huh. STEWART He-he thinks he's The Grinder. He doesn't know about the grind-- I know about the grind. I-I grind. I go to work every day, for years and years, and what do I do there? DEBBIE Grind? STEWART I grind. Because I am The Grinder. DEBBIE Yeah. STEWART I grind hard. DEBBIE Okay. STEWART All right, well, I'm gonna notecard this. And I am gonna address this, to his face, first thing in the morning. DEBBIE Mm-hmm. Good. STEWART Okay? One, you need to leave Wednesday, as planned, Dean. DEBBIE Great card. STEWART Thank you. DEBBIE Mm-hmm. STEWART Two... DEAN Hey. Where's your football player friend? ETHAN He's... just in the bathroom. DEAN Huh. He's not coming back, is he? ETHAN No. He's with Lizzie. Dad doesn't let her have boys over. I was used, Uncle Dean. DEAN I've been there. ETHAN It's fine. Everyone at school knows he's here, and I'll get some mileage out of that. It's a good thing, big picture. DEAN No. We are going to nail that kid to the wall. DEAN Let's just lay all the cards out on the table. Joel, Lizzie, we know what's going on. JOEL I don't know what you're talking about, bro. DEAN Hey! I'm fine with it. But I need to make sure that both sides are taken care of. My man E has been wronged. He needs to get something out of this. Make us an offer. LIZZIE What are you guys thinking? JOEL What? LIZZIE They've got us in a corner, babe. JOEL Fine. Tomorrow at school, I'll tell everybody how much fun I had here, and I'll even say he's a solid hang. ETHAN That sounds pretty fair. DEAN No. We want pictures. From your private online accounts, posted, giving him a piggyback ride. Hashtag "bestfriends," hashtag "teenlife." JOEL Hashtag "teenlife"? DEAN What part... of "hashtag teenlife" do you not understand? STEWART Dean, we need to have a conversation, and I would like to know specific times and dates of your departure. Use the cards. Cards are your friends, not a crutch. STEWART Hey, Dean, uh, I really need to t... That my suit? DEAN Oh, yeah, yeah. You know, it's wardrobe. It's part of the process. Tells me a lot about somebody. DEAN SR I love watching the transformation. STEWART Dean, can I just talk to you for a quick second? DEAN No, we don't have time for quick secs. Look, we've got to get the word out about how unsavory this Krantz character is. DEAN SR I love it. The Sanderson boys riding again. DEAN Right? I mean, lately I've been so, I don't know, lost, and... these last few days, being here, I realized what I've been missing, and it's this. I'm sorry, you-you wanted to ask me something. STEWART It can wait. REPORTER We are here with The Grinder himself, Dean Sanderson. What brings you home to Boise? DEAN Well, I'm actually here to find myself. And I also happen to be working on a case. One that's very personal to me, Emily. There's a snake in the village. A viper. Albert Krantz, I am calling you out, sir. This town is pushing back. And we, the people, will see you in court. PAPARAZZI PAPARAZZO It's just the brother. STEWART Yes, it's just the brother. STEWART You scared me. DEAN I gave a lecture at the law school today. STEWART Of course you did. DEAN And afterwards, a student came up to me and it was the usual, "I love you, I love the show, you inspire me." But then she told me that she was a single mother and she had a daughter fighting for her life. Cutaneous B-Cell Lymphoma. STEWART God, that's awful. DEAN Yeah, it is. So she asked me to sign her daughter's hospital bracelet-- said it would mean the world to her-- and I reached into my jacket pocket to get a pen. But there was no pen. Just these... hurtful, hurtful words. Needless to say, that little girl never got her autograph. STEWART Dean, I'm sorry, I... Why didn't you sign the bracelet? DEAN Is this how you feel about me? Just say it. Do you know what your problem is? You don't push back. Ever. Krantz says, "Move out," you say, "Fine." Well, you know what I do? I push back. Joel Zadak-- he wants to use Ethan to get with Lizzie, and Ethan's supposed to sit back and take it? STEWART Wait, what? DEAN Oh, yeah, you didn't know about that? STEWART Mm-mm. DEAN Don't worry, I pushed back. And I got the kid a great deal. Now Zadak's gonna tell everybody at school that Ethan's a great kid-- it's a win-win for everybody. STEWART Wait a second. Let me just... This kid was using Ethan to get with my daughter, and your solution was to leverage her for his junior high school popularity? DEAN The way you're saying that makes it sound worse than it was. STEWART I said it the exact way you said it. I just repeated it back to you. You're hearing it for the first time, and it sounds terrible. DEAN Well, then I would maybe push back on that, too. STEWART All right, you want me to push back, Dean? This is me pushing back. Off the cards. We are done here. I don't want you talking to my clients, I don't want you in my house, I don't want you meddling with my kids. I don't even know why you're here, Dean. Just-just... leave us alone. DEAN Wow. Turns out you didn't need the cards. You were able to hurt me right to my face. Congratulations, Counselor, I accept your deal. I will leave. Tomorrow. At first light. STEWART First light. Just say "morning." CROWD GALLERY VICTOR Where is Grinder? I don't see Grinder. DEAN SR Stewart, you want to break it to your clients why he's not here? JUDGE ROSSMYRE Where's our guy? STEWART Uh... Your Honor, uh... my brother and I got in... into a fight. Um... I maybe said some things that I probably shouldn't have. At the time, I felt like I wanted to say them, but now I feel... said too much about it already. Anyway, he's... mad at me, and he's not coming. GALLERY MAN Seriously? Come on! JUDGE ROSSMYRE Sadly, we still need to continue, even without The Grinder. Opening arguments. REPORTER Dean Sanderson, surprisingly a no-show. DEAN I can't watch this anymore. Check, please. BARTENDER You're not gonna... finish what you started? STEWART My clients are upstanding citizens who never once failed to pay their rent. All the prosecution has proven is that the plaintiff... didn't deposit a rent check ten days before it was due. But according to the plaintiff, there's... no way to... prove that. DEAN Or is there? GALLERY JUDGE ROSSMYRE Finally. DEAN The defense calls Mr. Albert Krantz. LEONARD Objection, Your Honor. Dean Sanderson is not an actual lawyer. JUDGE ROSSMYRE Oh, please. This is why we're here, Leonard. LEONARD Seriously? DEAN How you doing? Nice to meet you. JUDGE ROSSMYRE Nice to meet you. LEONARD Uh, objection-- you can't touch the judge. JUDGE ROSSMYRE Shut up. I'll allow it. DEAN I got this. STEWART You got this. JUDGE ROSSMYRE Mr. Krantz. KRANTZ Can we... Do you mind if I... DEAN Yeah, sure. Oh, wait. We'd be backlit. KRANTZ Oh, you know what you're doing. DEAN There you go. Thanks. KRANTZ Oh, that's great. Thank you. DEAN Mr. Krantz, is it your contention that you were not in receipt of a check for one month's rent from my client? KRANTZ Aren't I supposed to be sworn in? DEAN And isn't it also true that you have a history of being a monumental douchebag? LEONARD Objection. DEAN Sustained. LEONARD That's her thing. DEAN I'll allow it. LEONARD Uh... DEAN Therefore... Oh. May I borrow your glasses? JUROR Mm-hmm. DEAN Therefore, if the defense were able to produce this missing check and prove that it had been in your possession, we could all go home. KRANTZ I guess. But that's not gonna happen, because there is no check. DEAN I would like to enter into evidence Exhibit A. Let the record show that I hold in my hand a rent check, dated March 1, 2015, from Victor Ramirez to Albert Krantz. KRANTZ What? STEWART What? GALLERY DEAN I went into your Dumpster, right outside the apartment. It was just sitting there, smiling at me. STEWART Is this actually working? VICTOR Shh. KRANTZ Okay, this is absurd. I never threw away any check. DEAN You know what? I believe you. Because all this time, I'd been thinking that you're some mastermind, someone who hides checks. But the truth is... this check just slipped by you. Albert Krantz is not a menace to society. He is a menace to intelligence. Because the man's an idiot. KRANTZ O-Okay, Leonard, I would object to that. LEONARD Oh, would you? DEAN A check-losing idiot. KRANTZ I have not lost a check in 15 years. DEAN You lost this check. KRANTZ That's not the check. DEAN It is the check. KRANTZ It can't be the check! DEAN Why not?! Why can't it be the check?! Tell me why this can't be the check! KRANTZ Because I destroyed the check! STEWART Oh! Aah! GALLERY DEAN Open it. VICTOR What it say? STEWART Yeah. What it say? KRANTZ "Grinder rests." GALLERY LEONARD All right, fine, great, yeah, yeah, yeah. We've all seen the show. It's great. DEAN Thank you. LEONARD Your Honor, this is insanity. I have ten million objections, rounding down. Firstly: not a lawyer. We had talked about that all too briefly. They're calling up witnesses during closing, bringing in new evidence. JUDGE ROSSMYRE All right, I'm afraid that counsel is right. As thrilling as it was, none of it is admissible. GALLERY LEONARD Thank you. STEWART Uh, Your Honor, if I may... The defense is pushing back. Kitzmiller v. Dover, 1984. The defense introduces testimony in closing arguments. Schacter v. Bloom, 1997, new evidence during deliberation. Gilpin v. Rehnquist, 2002... GALLERY JUDGE ROSSMYRE All right, we get the idea. STEWART Mm-hmm. JUDGE ROSSMYRE You know, he's right. Sorry, Leonard. LEONARD What? JUDGE ROSSMYRE I'll allow it. DEBBIE GALLERY STEWART I grind. DEBBIE You grind. STEWART I grind. DEAN Hey. GALLERY Grinder, Grinder, Grinder, Grinder... REPORTER It sounds like The Grinder has worked his magic again. The Ramirezes are going to be able to stay in their apartment. CROWD Grinder, Grinder, Grinder, Grinder... DEAN And so the hero makes his way out of town. ETHAN Why do you have to go, Uncle Dean? DEAN I just do. DEAN SR I think it's a mistake, son. LIZZIE Me, too. DEAN I know. Life's funny that way. Sometimes you find exactly what it is you're looking for, and you're not allowed to pursue it. For literally no reason. Anyway... Look, I know you don't love having me here, but you're the only family I got. And it's been... great. So, thanks. Take care of each other. Love each other. Cherish each other. STEWART Uh, wait. DEAN I'm sorry, did you say something? STEWART Maybe you don't have to go. Maybe this is... your off-ramp. DEAN So you feel it, too? STEWART I do. I do feel it. DEAN And you think we make a good team? STEWART Mm-hmm. DEAN And I could wear your suits and give advice to the kids? STEWART Mm... DEAN I'm getting out of this car and coming to give you the biggest hug. DEAN Yeah, look at us. Two lawyers-- STEWART One lawyer. DEAN came up differently-- STEWART We grew up together. DEAN but we meet in the middle. For justice. Say it. STEWART For justice? DEAN For justice!