BICKFORD BOY_1 BOY_3 CLIO DEAN_NIALL GIRL_2 GIRL_5 IGGY_1 IGGY_2 MADSCOPE MOM OBOS SHERM SKELLY TITUS TOADY_1 TOADY_2 DEAN NIALL There’s no excuse for being tardy. BICKFORD Really, Dean Niall? You mean to say you’d punish both of us? How unfortunate. DEAN NIALL Of course, I didn’t mean you, Mr. Pounds. You may go back to class. SHERM Dean Niall, that’s not fair! Bickford’s the reason I was late for class! He slammed a locker on my shirt so I couldn’t move. See? He even snapped a picture of it and sent it to everyone’s cell phone. DEAN NIALL Hm. Impressive resolution. Mr. Boomerson, don’t blame others for your own lack of responsibility! SHERM Sighs DEAN NIALL My job here at Peru Middle School is to guarantee the safety of each and every student. Don’t you realize that 88.4% of all tardy students are most at-risk for alien abduction or the mumps? DEAN NIALL I should suspend you right now, Boomerson. Or better yet, how’d you like me to call your mother? SHERM I promise, I promise, I won’t fight anymore. Mom, please. You gotta believe me. MOM This will teach you not to fight in school anymore. You naughty, naughty boy. SHERM Mom. Mom, don’t …don’t.. I promise. SHERM Noo-ooh! DEAN NIALL I’m letting you go this time with a warning, Boomerson. DEAN NIALL But starting now, you’d better think safe, be safe, do safe. Got me? SHERM Gotcha, Dean Niall! And thanks! DEAN NIALL Ah! Running isn’t safe! SHERM bickford SHERM Bickford! Oh. I mean... I’m really, really, sorry! BICKFORD Hm. Oh. Oh. BICKFORD No problem, Boomerson, old fellow. I’ll just put you down for a complete thrashing … BICKFORD oh, say, tomorrow after school? 2:45 Pm? BICKFORD Keep the pen. My gift. See you on the morrow. BOY 1 Bickford will beat him wet GIRL 2 Oh-oh! TITUS Quit whining and play, you crazed fingit! CLIO Hey! That’s cheating! IGGY 1 Nonsense. IGGY 2 It’s not even his turn. OBOS Obos good sport. Boo! TITUS Hey, Whiffit, bring Whoosh back over and come play Goos-ball. We need a chum to beat up on. SHERM No thanks, Titus. I prefer to spend my last hours on Earth depressed and alone. IGGY 1 Sherm, the only thing you have to fear is being fearful. IGGY 2 And Bickford Pounds. He’s gonna smack you clear into another time zone. IGGY 1 I’m trying to build up his confidence, you ignorant clown. IGGY 2 Too late. We should tell him jokes to take his mind off being annihilated. SHERM What? CLIO Shermy-poo, I can hide you in my emergency stash of moldy pimento loaf. Hm?! SHERM Skip it, Clio. Now I’m in Bickford’s book. SHERM That means bruises, embarrassment, and getting kicked out of school. SHERM Bickford’s greatest hits. The only thing I got going for me is that he’s trashed almost everyone in Peru under the age of fourteen. BICKFORD 2:45 Pm, Sherm, old boy. Have a good cry and I’ll see you tomorrow. TITUS Relax, Sweater Brain. We’ll save your sorry butt with “goo foo.” IGGY 1 Haahhhh, the ancient fighting art of germs. SHERM Knock it off, psycrobes! And stay out of this. You’ll only make things worse! MOM Sherm, honey! Come on down for pumpkin steak! SHERM Maybe my family knows what to do. SHERM Mom, a bully is going to beat me up tomorrow. What do you think I should do? MOM Hmm. Remember the story I told you about the robin and the bobcat? SHERM Is that the one where the robin says: ‘I will not fight. It is not right.’... MOM Mmm-hm. Mmm-hm. SHERM ...and the bobcat eats him? MOM Mmm-hm. Any other questions? MADSCOPE Ooh! SHERM His name`s Bickford Pounds and he hits really hard. MADSCOPE My boy, if you run from a bully now you’ll be running for the rest of your life. You must fight. SHERM Is that a good idea? MADSCOPE Or else scrub your face with steel wool and tell him you have leprosy. Either way, you’ll be fine. SHERM This bully wants to beat me up. SKELLY Good. SHERM I’m not sure what to do. SKELLY Good. SHERM I’m really desperate. SKELLY Good. SHERM What would you do? SKELLY Yell and throw poo. IGGY 1 Nice stretch IGGY 2 How would you know, you don’t wear shirts. OBOS Hm! SHERM ‘Yell and throw poo.’ TITUS I don’t care what dorgle face says. No body beats up, ah, whats-his-name—? CLIO —Sherm— TITUS Yes. Sherm, ‘cept us. The Germs nod in agreement, dead serious. IGGY 1 Of course, every time we assist dear Sherm we do seem to make matters worse. CLIO We could be extra nice to this bully. Then he’ll leave the Gorgeous One, er ..I mean, Shermy alone. TITUS I don’t know, Clio. ‘Nice’ isn’t exactly in my comfort zone. But it sounds bizarre enough to try it once. CLIO Hm. BICKFORD 2:45 pm, Sherm old boy. TITUS Hey, Cement Wit. SHERM What are you doing here? GIRL 5 Oh, man. That kid’s really lost it CLIO Shermy-Poo, be nice to the bully. SHERM That’s nuts! TITUS Try it. You only got everything to lose. BICKFORD Ah, Boomerson, eager for a go? BICKFORD No jumping queue. SHERM Bickford, I … er... I …I’d like to be friends. Is there anything I can do for you? BICKFORD You are a pip, Boomerson. I’ll see you promptly at 2:45 Pm. TITUS You better hope not, drifty. Or you’ll be changin’ your name to “Bickford Pounds-of-Fatty-Beef.” BICKFORD Hm? BICKFORD I say, Boomerson, that remark calls for a slight pre-beating humiliation. SHERM And, when might that be? BICKFORD I should say right now. TOADY1 Right now! Yes. Oh, yes. . TOADY2 Oh. Jolly hockey sticks. DEAN NIALL Mr. Boomerson, the school’s strict dress code prohibits your wearing your slacks in an unsafe manner. SHERM ‘Be nice to him,’ huh? Great idea. TITUS Polite isn’t my strong suit, Sparky. IGGY 1 Sherm, you need to show the bully the error of his ways. IGGY 2 Tell him he’s wrong. Vicious people like that. BOY 1 Hm? CLIO Yeah. He’ll be grateful and leave you alone. SHERM Thanks guys. I’m so desperate I’ll try anything. BOY 1 Psst. Sherm’s gone ticky-ticky! BOY 3 Uhhh-ohhhh. SHERM Oh, no! . DEAN NIALL Thanking invisible friends in the washroom is a clear, yet bizarre, safety hazard. SHERM But Dean Niall, I was practicing for something DEAN NIALL You’re becoming a fixture around this office, Mr. Boomerson and I don’t like it. Now get out. DEAN NIALL And wear this cork vest in case you get close to glacial waters. BICKFORD Smashing ensemble, old boy. TOADY1 Good show. SHERM Did you ever think that brute force and hitting people were wrong? You catch more flies with honey than vinegar. Think about that, Bicky, old boy!. BICKFORD I must say, you are an outspoken fellow. I’m afraid that shall cost you a substantial pre-beating. TITUS The whole ‘error of his ways’ thing? It was dumb. CLIO Then maybe we need to be more direct. IGGY 1 Target in sight. TITUS Time for a little goo foo. SHERM I ... I didn’t do anything! BICKFORD 2:45 pm TOADY 2 That kid’s gonna get murgelated. TOADY 1 “Let all who wish, hear the transgressions of Sherm Boomerson: assault with a locker door, disrespect, assault with an artificial potato product, sassing, and a general lack of fear and trembling.” BICKFORD Boomerson, in honor of your lackluster attempts to intimidate me, I’m allowing you to deliver the first punch. SHERM My Mom taught me never to throw the first punch. BICKFORD Very well. Allow me. TITUS Okay, that does it! Nobody muscles our best friend and remains in one piece to talk about it! SHERM Wait ..wait guys! Wha…wha…what do you think you’re doing?! TITUS Savin’ yer butt, as usual. DEAN NIALL Boomerson! Now you’ve done it. Your irresponsible paper throwing has caused one of our valued students — one whom I respect and would never punish — to slip and fall. Go to my office at once! DEAN NIALL Are you all right, Mr. Pounds? BICKFORD Oh, I say ... DEAN NIALL Could you accompany me to my office for a few moments? Care for a fruit drink? DEAN NIALL Mrs. Boomerson, I’ve called you here because your son has gone barking mad. DEAN NIALL Not only does he break established safety rules, but he’s attacked poor innocent Bickford Pounds for no reason. SKELLY Scream and throw poop! MOM Be quiet. SKELLY Hey! Mom! MOM And you. You wait until I get you home, young man. You are so grounded. TITUS Hey! We gotta do somethin’! CLIO Yeah, but what? TITUS Okay. DEAN NIALL Ever since he enrolled in 8th grade five years ago, Bickford Pounds has been a fine young gentleman, Mrs. Boomerson. Who knows how long your son has been relentlessly harassing him? BICKFORD Huh? .Huh?! SKELLY Hey! DEAN NIALL Whoa! MOM You release that poor child at once! BICKFORD Oooouuuuutch. DEAN NIALL Whoooooaaaaa. BICKFORD Help! MOM Sherm, I don’t know what other mischief you’ve been up to, but I am proud of the way you protected your poor little sister. CLIO Oh, Shermy-poo, you were so, so heroic. IGGY 1 Yeah! We’re very proud of how you stood up to that cut-rate cretin! SHERM Thanks to you guys, everyone’s afraid of me. SHERM Ping! Devious idea. BICKFORD Please, old boy, don’t write me in your book. Let me tidy up those sneakers. TITUS Champion! SHERM I could get to like this bully stuff. TITUS We’re only backin’ you up for another week, tough guy.