CONNIE FAKE_CONNIE STEVEN TINY_WHALE WIND_LIZARD STEVEN CONNIE ahem. so… what did you think of the ending? STEVEN uh, i thought it was on page 917? CONNIE i thought it was a disaster! STEVEN uh… CONNIE all the books leading up to this seemed to be taking on and subverting these “witch” tropes. really self aware about being a pastiche! ya’ know? STEVEN um... CONNIE but in the end, none of that even mattered! lisa and her talking falcon… rebels, challenging the stifling traditions of the magical bureaucracy… i loved that! then her falcon turns into a human and they get married?! it completely dropped all of the anti-authoritarian stuff and described a wedding cake for 50 pages! STEVEN yeah, that cake was worthy of 20 pages, tops. there weren’t even strawberries on it. CONNIE i bet, since the books got so popular, the publisher put pressure on the author to water down the end for a larger audience appeal. unlike art, the real world can’t always win against the iron chains of authority. that’s my theory anyway. STEVEN hmm. CONNIE it’s just disappointing, considering i invested extra money in the hard cover copies… with maps. STEVEN i wish i could give you a new ending. the temple door! it opened for me! i can make anything i want in there! i can make us a new ending! CONNIE really? well what are we waiting for?! STEVEN uh, ta-da! CONNIE cool! STEVEN this is my mom’s room. i can control it! like this… i want tiny floating whale to gimme some fin! TINY WHALE CONNIE unbelievable! how does it work? STEVEN the room can make stuff out of clouds! we can make anything. CONNIE anything? how about the infinity fair from book four? with merchants from a million lands, selling goods from cultures long gone and yet to be! STEVEN we should probably keep it simple. we don’t want to overload the room. CONNIE how about half the infinity fair. oh, that’s still infinity. simple…ok. well, what really matters are the characters. you should be archimicarus! STEVEN okay! room, i want to be a falcon! oh, yeah. gotta keep it simple. CONNIE amazing! ok, my turn! room, i want to be lisa! do i need to be more specific? you were pretty general with the falcon thing. STEVEN oh, sorry. i guess the room only makes stuff when i want it. maybe this won’t work after all. CONNIE why don’t you just have it make a costume shop? STEVEN oh, yeah! good idea! i want a costume shop! CONNIE wow, this place has everything! even her childhood tunic! wait, you thought it was red? STEVEN yeah, the color of the setting sun. CONNIE the sun sets black over the mines, steven. STEVEN are you gonna be young lisa? CONNIE well, if we’re really reworking this thing… i’m gonna make the ultimate lisa, with the best gear from every book! like, what if she never lost her iron sword?! STEVEN woah! CONNIE and the cloak and clasp are too signature not to do. STEVEN for sure! CONNIE and i always liked the dragon whisker boots from the volcano stuff in book three… STEVEN are you almost done? CONNIE wait a minute! STEVEN come out! i want to see you! woah! you look awesome! CONNIE thanks! STEVEN ok, let’s do this! STEVEN STEVEN so, at the end of the series, lisa and her falcon familiar, archimicarus, are at the altar… with a cleric... about to get married. but, we don’t want that ending. so, instead… hmm…uh, i dunno. what do you think? hmm… FAKE CONNIE hmm... what do you think? STEVEN uh, well… h-how about a different proposal, lisa? a business proposal! we can start a business together and sell… sell… turkey legs to make money to help out our fellow rebel comrades! FAKE CONNIE yeah! that’s great! STEVEN i want an umbrella with that, if you would, room. turkey legs! get your rebel turkey legs! turkey legs! you think it’s okay for me to eat this if i’m a falcon? FAKE CONNIE you are a bird of prey. STEVEN so, what should our next move be as business partners? FAKE CONNIE you tell me! STEVEN yeah? oh…um… let’s feed the wind lizard! look at this guy! he totally looks like a rebel. FAKE CONNIE wow, from book four! WIND LIZARD STEVEN now, i know he lives in the mountains, but he’s just visiting because he heard about these turkey legs. lisa, would you like to do the honors? FAKE CONNIE okay! WIND LIZARD FAKE CONNIE he ate the bones! STEVEN okay! i guess our business is a success! FAKE CONNIE if you think so! STEVEN so…what now? didn’t you have a bunch of ideas, that it needed to be more anti-authority and stuff? FAKE CONNIE sure! STEVEN okay. so… we’re… w-we’re stopped by the authorities?! because… because… we’re selling without a permit! and we’re not old enough to drive a cart! but… these are, uh…. free range turkeys! and they didn’t listen to anybody! and that’s what we’re gonna do! right? FAKE CONNIE whatever you think! STEVEN really? all right. and then, i think they… don’t like that! and they attack us! you can’t stop us! hup! jeez, these guys are corrupt! what should we do about ‘em, huh? FAKE CONNIE what do you think we should do? STEVEN c-c’mon! i’m really trying here! how do you want the story to end? FAKE CONNIE how do you want the story to end? STEVEN i don’t know! i just wanted to do this for you. this isn’t really like you. i… i don’t want you to just, do what i want. FAKE CONNIE uh… aah, you…want me to… not? d-do what you… want? STEVEN connie. a-are you alri-- FAKE CONNIE want? what… you… want? what… you… want want want want want (*repeats) want want want want STEVEN i want a tiny floating whale to give me some fin! FAKE CONNIE (*repeats) want want want want STEVEN i want a costume shop! FAKE CONNIE (*repeats) want want want want STEVEN i want to see you! FAKE CONNIE (*repeats) want want want want STEVEN i… i created you! FAKE CONNIE (*repeats) want want want want STEVEN you’re not connie! i must have left the real connie back at the costume shop! STEVEN sh-she could be anywhere! no! no! no! no! no! i’m done. i’m done playing! FAKE CONNIE (*repeats) want want-- STEVEN why didn’t you disappear with everything else? FAKE CONNIE you told me not to do what you wanted. STEVEN wha? where is connie?! CONNIE steven! steven! STEVEN connie? c-connie?! is that you?! please let me go! i want to find the real connie! FAKE CONNIE you told me you wanted-- STEVEN it doesn’t matter! please don’t follow me! i don’t want you to follow me! cart! ahh! uhh! wind lizard! waah! connie, can you hear me?! CONNIE steven? steven! STEVEN connie! i’m almost there! just a little bit further-- ahh! STEVEN STEVEN please! i don’t want you! i want the real connie! ugh! ugghh! FAKE CONNIE i know what you really want. i know how you really feel! CONNIE steven? ah, steven! finally! there you… are. STEVEN help! CONNIE ugh! FAKE CONNIE ugh! CONNIE keep away from him! FAKE CONNIE i know you like her. and i know you want her to like you too. STEVEN no! don’t listen! FAKE CONNIE that’s why you can’t tell her the truth. but you want to! STEVEN ow! FAKE CONNIE you want to tell her! STEVEN no! CONNIE get off him! FAKE CONNIE tell her, steven! STEVEN i… FAKE CONNIE tell her! STEVEN i liked the ending of the book! CONNIE what? STEVEN i… i-i thought it was sweet that lisa and archimicarus got together in the end. they were always so thoughtful towards each other! and i was so happy when they found the spell to make him human. and i loved every page about the cake! i wanted to draw a picture of it! i’m, i’m sorry i pretended not to like it. i just… i just didn’t want you to think less of me. FAKE CONNIE that’s better. STEVEN do-do you think i’m a bad person for liking the ending? CONNIE of course not. i… steven, it’s just a book. STEVEN but, you really care about it. CONNIE i care about you more. STEVEN even though i liked the wedding? CONNIE ohh… of course you liked the wedding! you’re steven! you love schmaltz! STEVEN you make a good point, but, don’t you remember how archimicarus cried in book three? CONNIE i thought that was because they lost the sword? STEVEN no! she almost fell into the volcano! he was worried about her! CONNIE but she had access to frost spells. STEVEN yeah, but archimicarus didn’t know that! even birds can fall in love. CONNIE i guess you could read it that way.