BETTY CATH DAN JESSIE JOE KATE MAN QUIZMASTER TOM WAITRESS WOMAN MAN Mind your head. JESSIE Okay thanks. Bye. MAN Bye. JESSIE We probably won’t see each other again right? MAN It’s unlikely. JESSIE Sweet. KATE You had sex? JESSIE Yeah boy! Whoo. Yes. JESSIE Come on. Ooh. KATE Do you have the hairbrush? JESSIE Uh, I have my hairbrush. KATE Oh come on, I’m gonna be late for work. JESSIE Weren’t you supposed to start like an hour ago? KATE Oh my god. Did the clocks change? JESSIE Yeah last month. KATE Oh pathetic. Oh there it is. Oh. JESSIE Ooh. Well, well, well. When it rains it pours. KATE What? JESSIE Oh Danny boy, the pipes the pipes are calling. KATE Dan? No you cannot see him. JESSIE I can’t help it if these boys are obsessed with me. KATE He’s hot but he’s a bit naff. JESSIE Yeah. KATE What’s he saying then? JESSIE Nothing. KATE Oi. JESSIE He just asked if I was around for a drink this afternoon. KATE You freak. What did you say? JESSIE Said I might be. Yeah. Hey, oh no. KATE Ah. Lol yeah. JESSIE Mm-hmm. KATE Keen keen keen. Where and when I’m free all day. JESSIE It’s a casual afternoon drink and if we have sex, if… KATE Oh my god. JESSIE …we have sex. KATE Oh my god. JESSIE It means nothing. KATE Actually come on. JESSIE Afternoon sex is basically an errand. KATE Fine, do what you want. But use protection. JESSIE Mm-hmm. KATE I’m not child proofing this flat. JESSIE Okay. JOE Do you really think it’s a good idea? JESSIE It’s fine, I don’t like him he’s just my friend. JOE So you’re not gonna sleep with him then? JESSIE Oh no, I definitely will yeah. JOE Right. JESSIE Honestly I can stay until the end of the shift if you can’t cover. JOE No it’s fine, it’s fine. I can handle this lot. Go do your thing, girl. JESSIE Oh I’ve messed it up. I shouldn’t have drawn his teeth. BETTY I don’t like him. JESSIE Humphrey Bogart? BETTY Yeah. JESSIE Oh right. You know he’s in the film you’re about to watch? BETTY He wishes. JESSIE Okay. JOE Don’t you think it’s just hard to be friends with people you’ve had sex with? JESSIE Well we’ve had sex, we’re friends. JOE Well yes. But that’s, that’s like, that, that, that, that, that’s different that’s like a, that’s like a different vibe you know. Plus it was only one time. Barely even remember it. If anything I’ve tried to block it out. JESSIE Oh my gosh I’ve written Cavaslanka. Oh… JOE No, no, please, please, please don’t give… JESSIE Oh no no no. No, no. JOE We can’t, we can’t, we can’t put… JESSIE We can’t… no, no, no, I, uh… MAN It’s exact money. JOE It’s so tiring. JESSIE It takes us so long to… JOE It’s such a tiring thing. DAN Hi. JESSIE Oh my god. Oh. Hi. That’s… DAN What are you doing pretending to read again? JESSIE Yes. That’s good. Oh so good to see you, hi you look great. DAN Thank you. Sorry I’m late. JESSIE Oh it’s fine, no, no. It’s fine yeah no I’ve just been… haven’t been here for long so it’s fine. Good. DAN Cool. So how are you, what’s going on? JESSIE I’m great. No yeah I’m great just came from work. DAN Oh how’s the cinema biz? JESSIE Great. DAN Yeah. JESSIE It’s booming. DAN You running the place yet? JESSIE Yes finally. No, they actually let me, uh, use the photocopier now because I make this like monthly newsletter. DAN Very cool. JESSIE Yes it’s, um, it’s actually mainly just to tell them not to download porn on our Wifi. DAN Really? God. JESSIE No it’s alright that was, that was, that was a joke. DAN Oh. I mean that’s not a bad idea. JESSIE No. Yeah. How’s, how’s your work? How’s, how’s the café? Still in the café with the dusty cakes in the windows? DAN Yeah yeah. Yeah yeah still there. But it’s all chill, I’ve just been sort of, um, yeah mainly focusing on my music really. JESSIE Sorry what music? DAN My music. You know about my music. JESSIE Yeah so, no sorry when you said… yeah your music. DAN Yeah. JESSIE Yes. R… I love it. DAN Yeah I know. JESSIE Hmm. DAN Yeah. JESSIE What kind of music is it? DAN Ooh, at the minute I’ve been trying to move away from dub but like it’s impossible. JESSIE Right, hmm. DAN You know me. JESSIE Yeah. I know you. CATH Right where is it? Uh, oh bugger. Oh dear hang on. There we are. Ah. Ah. Look at that. TOM It’s nice. CATH Nice? Oh piss off that’s fucking romantic that is. Side by side burial plots, she’s gonna lose her mind. TOM I thought you said she wanted a new watch. CATH Yeah no that was a trap. See if I take the easy route. Anyway stop distracting me I’m trying to find you something. TOM You’re the one who started showing me burial plots. CATH Do-do-do-do-do. Oh yeah here we are. Now the script is a piece of shit but the money is outrageous. TOM What’s the part? CATH Todd Emery, an unlucky in love optometrist who falls in love with a blind girl. Rachel McAdams is already attached. TOM Okay this might be a crazy idea but how about we try and find something for me that’s actually good. CATH What? Like a little indie film? TOM Dunno, maybe. CATH Why are you putting on weight? TOM Oh, forget it. CATH Are you unwell? Let me see… TOM Nothing’s wrong with me. CATH What’s going on with you? Why are you doing this to me? JESSIE So cut a long story short it wasn’t their cat so I had to give the money back. But, um, they asked me to stay for dinner so… that’s my Saturday. What? DAN I’ve missed you. JESSIE Ooh okay. Dan. DAN Jessie. JESSIE Oh before this happens I just wanna say I love being friends and I would love to continue that friendship. DAN Yeah great. Me too. JESSIE Yeah. So, uh, obviously we can go back to my house but I, uh, I just wanna warn you there is a weird smell in my room at the moment but I feel like if you know the context of a smell then it kind of feels weird at least weird… DAN Jessie. JESSIE …when you smell it but it’s… DAN Jessie, mate, I’m… ah this is awkward. Uh, you know I’m in a relationship right? JESSIE No you aren’t? DAN Yeah I am big time. JESSIE Ooh s… who? Who’s, who, who? DAN Claire. JESSIE Claire? Claire. Oh wow. Claire from the café. Old Claire, old Claire with the, um, sh… fringe. She’s got a fringe. DAN How do you know she’s got a fringe? JESSIE Oh you know. Anyone who follows her Instagram knows that she’s… it’s been a big transition for her. Really big year so that’s kind of… no, no, um, I… that’s so cool ’cause you and Claire both have fringes. DAN Why are you being like this? Like you literally just said that you, uh, you just wanna be friends. JESSIE I don’t… no, no, no sorry no I… and I stand by that, I totally stand by I wanna be your friend but I just feel like you sort of getting into a proper relationship is sort of a step too far and, um, quite rude and ultimately uncalled for but, uh… DAN Well look I mean we’re pretty much open anyway so… JESSIE Oh, oh okay cool. Cool dude. Nice. This is not 1967, uh, honestly. DAN Why are you lashing out at me? JESSIE I am not lashing out, the way I’m reacting to this is entirely consistent with my personality. DAN J… Jessie, come on. JESSIE Oh. Sorry m… my ride is two minutes away. Um, give my love to fringe. DAN Right well... it’s Claire. JESSIE Yeah whatever. DAN You… JESSIE You do you. DAN Do you know what I mean? It’s like… CATH I’m telling you I think it’s cancer and I, I don’t have long. TOM Cath, you don’t have eye cancer. CATH How do you know you’re not a doctor? I’ve got all the symptoms. Look. TOM That’s not a sy… you’re just twitching your eye. That’s not a symptom. CATH Thank you. WAITRESS No worries. TOM It was delicious by the way. WAITRESS Wow, I’m, I’m really glad. CATH Thank you. WAITRESS No worries. Have a good night. TOM Thanks, you too. CATH No. TOM What? CATH You can’t fuck civilians. TOM Sh… I should fire you. CATH Oh you’re not gonna fire me. I star is borned you. TOM You can’t call people civilians. CATH To you that’s what they are. These girls know lots more about you than you know about them. It’s not normal. TOM Oh god. CATH All I’m saying is there is a reason actors date other actors it’s just easier. TOM Wow you’re a true romantic, Cath. CATH Well it’s easier for everyone. I mean half the time these poor people don’t know what they’re getting into with your lot. I mean look at Reece Witherspoon’s husband. TOM What about him? CATH He died. TOM No he didn’t. CATH He didn’t? Well who am I thinking of? TOM Always a pleasure, Cath. CATH I don’t mean to scare you. I’m not being dramatic but I will say this, dating someone like you will most likely ruin a girl’s life forever. TOM Wow, okay. CATH Or worse, yours. Or by extension mine. So… TOM Yeah. CATH Just a few things to think about. TOM Mm-hmm. CATH Okay? TOM Okay. CATH I love you. TOM Love you too. CATH I’m gonna skedaddle. Oh and listen if you think about eating bread call me and I’ll talk you down. No bread. Say it. TOM No bread. CATH Got it. TOM Fucking hell. JESSIE So you’re on a corner, you’re on a corner. TOM Fuck off. JESSIE No, I don’t wanna cancel because then that’s how they get your money they do the cancellation fees and… uh, no not you I mean like the fat cats higher up, you sound lovely. You sound great. So I don’t just… if you come around the, um, block and I’ll meet, I’ll meet you on the corner. I’m on the corner if that is any help it’s just… yeah okay I’ll see you then. Gre… I mean super excited to meet you man I mean. This is gonna be great. Alright good bye. . TOM Jessie? JESSIE Wow, hi. TOM I just, I saw you through the window. JESSIE Cool. Yeah. Yes. TOM It’s been a while… JESSIE Yeah I’m just waiting for a car so, uh… that’s why I’m here. TOM Oh okay. JESSIE Yeah are you following me? TOM No. JESSIE ‘Cause obviously I’m not following you ‘cause you know… DAN Jess. JESSIE …you were the one that came and said hi from the window. Oh god. Hi. DAN Ah. You forgot your book. JESSIE Right thank you. DAN That’s alright. JESSIE Dan this is Tom. Tom this is Dan. TOM Hi. DAN Fuck off. It’s you’re that dude from, from what’s it called? Mate, I’m such a big fan. JESSIE Are you? DAN Yeah. Hey look I know it’s a bit awkward but can I get a photo with you? My brother’s like, he’d freak if, if he knew I was with you. TOM No that’s, that’s cool. DAN Are you sure? Jessie. JESSIE Oh. Oh great, great, okay. DAN Ha ha. JESSIE Didn’t know this one had a camera. DAN This is mad. How’d you two know each other then? JESSIE Okay great. Well there we go because my car’s here actually so good to see you Tom. Good to see you Dan. That’s me so oh my god literally insane. MAN Sorry, sorry can I get a photo? JESSIE What? TOM Yeah of course. MAN Loved you in the Avengers. TOM I wasn’t in that. MAN Yes you were. DAN Okay so, uh, I’ve got like half a pint left in the pub so I’m gonna bounce alright. JESSIE Okay. DAN Uh, oh actually look, dude do you wanna little drink? TOM No you’re good mate. DAN Sure? Alright cool. Hey, this was nice right? JESSIE No it wasn’t. DAN Yeah true. Alright man see you later. WOMAN Can you take a photo? TOM Oh. JESSIE No. WOMAN Then I can take yours… TOM No, no, no it’s okay. No, no it’s fine. JESSIE Sh… oh my god okay. Hey say hi to your girlfriend for me. TOM What? JESSIE You heard. TOM Oh. I don’t have a girlfriend. JESSIE Yes you do. Stop ruining my cool moment with the window. TOM Can we just get a drink? JESSIE No. QUIZMASTER Alright teams here are your… JESSIE Wait so you broke up on your birthday? TOM Yeah. JESSIE You said that you broke up on New Year’s Eve. TOM That is my birthday. JESSIE Oh. I’m so sorry. TOM Yeah. JESSIE So do you combine parties or do you, you just do another thing on another day? TOM Are you sorry about my breaking up or about my birthday being on New Year’s Eve? JESSIE Mainly the birthday th… yeah mainly the birthday thing. TOM Yeah me too actually. JESSIE Oh really? TOM Yeah. JESSIE It’s funny ‘cause we, well I, um, I nearly made the Daily Mail, uh, the morning that you, um, well that we… yeah. TOM Shit, I’m so sorry. JESSIE No no it’s fine. It was funny. It was, it was quite funny. They thought I was the cleaner so… you’re safe. I mean the speed at which they assumed that was, was pretty offensive. TOM Well that’s ridiculous. I mean if anything you left a real mess. JESSIE Oh my god. Oh yeah, um, okay. TOM Mm-hmm. JESSIE I didn’t even put a towel down, that was a, that was a bold more. TOM My bed looked like a Jackson Pollock painting. JESSIE Shut up. TOM I had to burn my sheets. JESSIE No you… no you didn’t. TOM No I didn’t. I put them in the freezer as a keepsake. JESSIE Sorry I need to make a quick call, um. Uh. Hello Metropolitan Police? I need… yeah okay no I’ll hold. QUIZMASTER Who played the titular Father Ted? TOM Dermot Morgan. JESSIE What? TOM Quiz. QUIZMASTER It is Dermot Morgan. JESSIE Oh you got it right. TOM I love pub quizzes, in a healthy way not in a psycho way. JESSIE Yeah me too. I love them. I mean people would say I’m quite competitive when I do it but I don’t think that’s… Zsa Zsa Gabor. TOM Way too loud. What was that? JESSIE I’m sorry. I’m sorry. QUIZMASTER Uh, just a reminder that teams need to pay the five quid to participate in the quiz. JESSIE Sorry. TOM Sorry. QUIZMASTER Question nine, name three members of the cast from the 1983 film The Outsiders. JESSIE C Thomas Howell, Patrick Swayze, Ralph Macchio, Emilio Estevez, Tom Cruise, Rob Lowe, Matt Dillon. TOM How do you know that? JESSIE Oh I, um, I used to be a virgin. TOM Ah. Okay. That’s gross. JESSIE That’s gross? I… TOM You can’t say that. JESSIE I can say that. TOM No, no, uh, that well okay. JESSIE Okay no no no no. TOM Yeah what? JESSIE Okay. I have a good one, very good one. TOM Okay. JESSIE Okay I, the options are… TOM Give it to me. JESSIE Either you can kill a chicken with your bare hands or you can live with the chicken for a year. TOM Live with the chicken. JESSIE No sorry, uh, it has to live inside. TOM Why can’t it live outside? JESSIE Because the chicken’s paying rent. Do you, do you wanna be that kind of landlord? TOM Ah. JESSIE Really? TOM Yeah okay then kill him. JESSIE Oh. Yeah. Cool. Yeah I’d do the same. Um, this is where I live. TOM Oh. Looks nice. JESSIE It is, yes it is. It’s very nice. It’s, um, the ninth of it that is ours is pretty cosy. TOM Right. JESSIE So… I’ll see you later. TOM Actually, um… JESSIE Uh-huh. TOM Probably not, uh, I’m away for a bit now. JESSIE Oh, oh cool yeah. TOM Yeah. JESSIE Where’re you going? TOM Prague. JESSIE Wow. You can’t just make up a country, Tom. Just so you don’t… say I’m going to Prague. Great. TOM Well yeah I am. JESSIE Yeah okay. Well it’s good. TOM Could I use your loo actually? JESSIE Yes totally. TOM Yeah? JESSIE No of course yes. TOM Cool. JESSIE Should have said earlier yeah TOM Should we be winding a bit… JESSIE Quiet. TOM Yeah. JESSIE Just, just, just be very quiet. KATE Where have you been? I’ve been texting you l… hey. I’m, I’m Kate. TOM Tom. JESSIE Yeah. TOM Nice to meet you. KATE Tom. Uh. JESSIE Tom, Tom’s, um, here to use the, uh, the bathroom. KATE Okay cool. Great yeah. Uh, love it, it’s great up there. JESSIE It’s there… TOM Is it up here… KATE I can show you if… JESSIE It’s up on the left. KATE Just on the left. JESSIE Just on the left yeah. TOM Okay. JESSIE Yeah, up… KATE What the fuck? JESSIE Shh. KATE What’s he doing here? I thought you were supposed to be with Dan? JESSIE Well I was with Dan and then Tom was there for some reason and then Dan is now going out with Claire and Claire has a fringe now and just a lot has ha… a lot has happened. KATE Oh my god. When it rains it absolutely pisses itself. What the fuck we’re out of fucking tea. Will he have whisky? We, we have ice cream. What’s the vibe? JESSIE That’s the thing, I don’t know what the vibe is because he was like do you wanna go for a drink? And we went for a drink and then he was like oh I’ll walk a little bit of the way with you… KATE Oh. JESSIE And then he’s walked all the way here and then now he’s in, in here and he’s upstairs in the bathroom and I do… I don’t know what that is as a vibe. KATE Okay so the vibe is that he has made some bullshit excuse to come over to our house because he’s in love with you and you are going to have sex. JESSIE Stop it. Stop it. Shut up. KATE Oh. You’re going to go to the Oscars. JESSIE Shh. Shut up. KATE You’re insane! KATE Have you seen how fit he is? JESSIE Kate calm down. KATE You don’t, you don’t understand. JESSIE You’re em… you’re gonna embarrass me. You’re gonna embarrass me. KATE This is the best thing ever. That’s why I’m freaking out. JESSIE Shut the fuck up. TOM What are you doing? JESSIE You’re making this horrible. KATE I’m gonna do whatever… JESSIE You don’t get… hey. How did eve… how was everything up there? TOM You were right it’s a real party in there. KATE Ah thank you. TOM I’d better be off. KATE Oh are you sure? Because… JESSIE Yeah no of course yeah yes. TOM It was lovely to meet you. KATE It was lovely to meet you, Tom. JESSIE I’m sorry she… TOM It was great to see you pal. JESSIE You too yeah. Um, I’ll sh… I’ll show you out sorry. TOM Uh, yeah. I’ll just… JESSIE Um. TOM I’ll see you around. JESSIE Yeah totally. TOM Good night. JESSIE Night. KATE Pal. JESSIE Pal. KATE Yeah it’s not great. TOM Fucking pal.