ALL DIALOGUE HORACE IAN JESSIE JOE KATE PAPARAZZI POPPY SINDHU TOM TV DIALOGUE JESSIE No. KATE Why not? JESSIE I don’t want to. KATE You have to. JESSIE I write my own destiny. KATE Look, being sad doesn’t make you interesting. JESSIE I am not sad, I just don’t observe the western notion of the new year. KATE Oh, really? JESSIE Yeah, I celebrate Chinese New Year, actually. KATE Oh, right, okay. When is Chinese New Year? JESSIE May? KATE Right, I genuinely don’t have time for this. I look amazing and you look okay. I’ll see you in there. JESSIE Fine, ahh. Fine. Fine. Fine. Um, you’re breaking my balls here. KATE Yes. Happy New Year. Whoo. Okay, baby. We’re gonna have a good night. IAN It’s gonna be a really interesting year for currency. It’s gonna be so… there’s so many currencies now which are just on the up, you know, I mean, you have to know which to go for. Aluminium, you’ve gotta invest in aluminium, that’s the big one, then gold, uh, Bitcoin is… I know it’s a cliché, but Bitcoin is the one. That’s the interesting thing about Bitcoin, it really is the people’s currency. KATE Oh, I love it. IAN Hmm. Another round? JESSIE Yes. Yeah. Sorry, yes, yes, um, I would love another gin and tonic. IAN Okay. KATE I’ll have a glass of red wine. IAN Ooh. JESSIE Oh, I will also have that. A glass of red wine in addition to the gin and tonic. IAN No problem, whatever the lady wants. . JESSIE oh my god. IAN Just so you know, I’m only interested in Kate. JESSIE Yeah, okay. IAN Just Kate. JESSIE Copy that. KATE What was that? JESSIE He thinks you’re fit. KATE Oh, my god. That’s electric. IAN Kate? Shall we get espresso Martini? JESSIE Hello? My, my name is Jessie, I just need a pee. I’m a very normal girl. Poor Donna. James, James Bond. you’re drunk. You’re drunk. Jessie is drunk. Yeah. Hillo. Hello. TOM Hi, Jessie. JESSIE How did you know my name? TOM You’ve said it a number of times since you came in here. JESSIE Oh, yeah. Oh yeah. What were you doing in there? TOM Peeing. JESSIE Pee… well you can do it standing up. TOM Yeah, I treated myself to a sit down one. JESSIE Being able to pee standing up is a gift what… you would pee in a gift horse mouth? TOM Yeah, I would. JESSIE Disgusting. TOM You know, it’s Bond, James Bond. You were doing it the wrong way round. JESSIE That was actually a private conversation. TOM Oh, okay. JESSIE Yeah. TOM Sorry. JESSIE Okay, no worries. TOM You were right about one thing though, you do seem drunk. JESSIE Okay. Tah. Whoop. KATE So is it an actual coin? IAN Uh, uh, no. Uh, no. KATE Right. IAN It, it… yeah. KATE So it’s like modern… IAN Yeah. KATE Yep. IAN Yeah, it’s kinda like a modern, you know, it’s, it’s a modern currency. It’s a modern currency. KATE So if I said, can I have some bit? IAN Yeah, I’d say, yes please, come to my office right away. Yeah. I’m sorry, I’m just joking. People say I have a kind of random sense of humour. KATE You’re funny. IAN You’re funny. JESSIE Uh, oh, that’s my library card. I love to read. There you go. I’ve got some more in here. I have got some more. Hey, bathroom. TOM Hey, hello again. JESSIE Yeah. I know you. Do you work at the Shepherds Bush Superdrug? TOM No. JESSIE What? Well, that’s crazy. Well, there is someone who works there who looks exactly like you. TOM It’s not me. JESSIE Okay. TOM Is he good looking? JESSIE Sorry, what? TOM Superdrug guy. JESSIE Oh, yeah. Oh my gosh, schmokin’. Awooga. TOM Okay, well thanks. JESSIE No, it’s… I mean the Superdrug guy was hot. TOM But you said I look just like him. JESSIE No, I mean I feel… you, you’ve got a similar essence to him. TOM What? JESSIE You have a similar essence. TOM Oh right, you didn’t say essence you issince. JESSIE Oh haha, funny. I’ve got a funny accent. Great. ALL . JESSIE I don’t wanna lose my spot. TOM Fair enough. JESSIE You don’t have to kiss me or anything. TOM Genuinely didn’t cross my mind. ALL . JESSIE Shall we split this or should I, I put some money into your account or… TOM No, it’s fine, don’t worry, I’ve got it. JESSIE Okay. So you wanna have sex? TOM We’re having sex. JESSIE Yeah, I know but do you want to? TOM Yeah. JESSIE Yeah, okay. I’m just checking it’s not a mistake. TOM No, it’s not a mistake. JESSIE Okay. Alright. TOM Wait, do you wanna be having sex? JESSIE Yeah. You? TOM Yeah. JESSIE Okay. Great. Whoo. TOM Okay. JESSIE Alright. Oi. TOM Yeah? JESSIE What’s your name? TOM You don’t know my name? JESSIE I know who you are. TOM Yeah, I should hope so. JESSIE You’re the guy from the thing, um… TOM What? JESSIE …oh my, oh my god. Huh. What the hell? How could you not tell me this? TOM What do you mean? JESSIE Who you are. What you do. TOM I did actually. JESSIE What do you do? TOM I’m an actor. JESSIE Ugh, no thanks. When did we eat cereal? TOM Why you wearing my coat? JESSIE This is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me. TOM Okay, I’m not sure why you’re freaking out but… JESSIE Oh my god. Oh. Oh, I can’t believe I let you go down on me. TOM Let me? You told me to. JESSIE Well you shouldn’t have done it ‘cause if I’d have known who you were, I would not have let that happen. TOM You didn’t seem to mind last night. JESSIE Well, I was acting. TOM No you weren’t. Were you? JESSIE No. No. Well, yes, yeah, yeah, um, yeah. I was, only ‘cause I can’t, I can’t, you know, when I’m tipsy and so… I still, I still enjoyed it. TOM Okay. Yeah. JESSIE Sorry. TOM No, no, it’s fine, I mean, same, you know. JESSIE Sorry, what do you mean by that? TOM I mean, I didn’t either, you know. JESSIE Yes you did. TOM No, I didn’t. JESSIE Hmm, I’m pretty sure you did. TOM No, I really didn’t. JESSIE No, you did. TOM No. JESSIE What you… so you faked it? TOM Yeah, I guess. JESSIE I can’t, I can’t believe this. TOM What? You just told me you did exactly the same thing. JESSIE Huh, I must not have been giving it my all. TOM Hmm, I think you were trying pretty hard. JESSIE Sorry, no offence, but you didn’t see me at full tilt obviously. TOM Oh, I’m pretty sure I saw it all. JESSIE I think, if you’d have seen it all, you would know. TOM Really? JESSIE Hmm, like you wouldn’t be able to walk. TOM God, that sounds awful. JESSIE Yeah, I know. You’d be ruined for other women. TOM Hmm. JESSIE Hmm. TOM Well, for the record, I wasn’t really trying either. JESSIE Not true, actually, I, I specifically remember you saying, this is some of my best stuff. TOM I would never have said that. JESSIE Ahh, was the subtext of what you were saying, I was reading between the lines. TOM Can you believe that was still only 75%? Oh my god, stop trying to win at kissing. JESSIE Um, can you stop trying to win at kissing? I’m obviously better at it than you. SINDHU Jesus, you look like shit. JESSIE Hey, it’s New Year’s Day, what do you, what do you expect from me? SINDHU To not show up to work in last night’s clothes. JESSIE You know what, that is fair. That is really fair. Aren’t you gonna ask though why I haven’t changed or… SINDHU No. JESSIE It’s a great story though. SINDHU Kids, Jessie’s here. POPPY I thought we were getting Shivani. JESSIE Oh my god, why don’t you just marry Shivani, then? POPPY I don’t wanna marry her. SINDHU There’s nothing in the fridge. I’m going to bed. JESSIE Alright, hand it over. Come on. Come on. There we go. Now, who has seen Goodfellas? TV That’s when I knew… JESSIE Hey. TV I just knew. KATE Where have you been? JESSIE I texted you, didn’t I? KATE I can’t find my phone. JESSIE So, if I said the name Tom Kapoor to you, what would that kinda… what response would that kinda get? KATE Hot. JESSIE Mmhmm, yeah, well, you know he was, uh, he was there last night. KATE Oh, that’s exciting. JESSIE Yeah. KATE What? JESSIE Yeah. KATE What? Oh my god. JESSIE I know. I know. KATE Oh, how did this happen? No, tell me everything. JESSIE I don’t know. I don’t. I mean, genuinely, I don’t know, I mean, ‘cause I was quite drunk, but I do remember I kept asking him if he wanted to do it, like, while we were doing it. KATE You do do that. JESSIE Yeah, but this morning I had sex with him again and, Kate, I was barely drunk that time. KATE Oh, that is so sweet. JESSIE Mmhmm. And, oh yeah, here’s the best bit, two hours later, I got my period, like, what is that? Touched by an angel, like that’s… the timing of that… KATE Will you see him again? JESSIE Um, I dunno. KATE You probably won’t see him again. JESSIE Well, maybe I’ll see him again. KATE He is a famous actor and you’re a little rat nobody. JESSIE Oh, that’s so harsh but it’s true. KATE Hmm. JESSIE But you know what? What’s done is done, like, he can’t take it back. I am forever a stain on his sexual history. KATE JESSIE I knew you were gonna react like this. IAN Whoo. JESSIE Oh. Yeah. IAN Whoo. JESSIE Wow, okay. KATE Hmm. IAN Yep. JESSIE I’m gonna get in the shower actually. KATE Oh, yeah. IAN Gill. JESSIE Jessie. IAN Jessie, yeah. KATE Close. Really close. Hey. IAN Hiya. Your, um, your toilet’s completely blocked. JESSIE Popcorn and water. That’s five fifty, thank you. HORACE Your favourite film is Schindler’s List? JESSIE Oh, no, um, that’s… this is not my badge, um… HORACE ‘Cause it’s a pretty obvious choice, no offence. JESSIE Again, I’m not Mike, that’s not my… JOE Everything okay here? JESSIE Yeah, totally. I actually haven’t even seen Schindler’s List. HORACE You’ve never seen Schindler’s List? JESSIE No. No. I’ve seen Son of Saul, that’s devastating, isn’t it? HORACE I can’t believe you’ve never seen Schindler. What is your favourite film? JESSIE Uh, I dunno, man. Rush Hour 2. It’s a great, great flick. Your film is starting now. HORACE Good chat, Mike. JESSIE Urgh. JOE What a dick. JESSIE What is wrong with me? I kind of loved that, that was hot. JOE Yeah. No, yeah, yeah, totally. I actually love the Rush Hour franchise. JESSIE Tom? TOM Hi. JESSIE Hi. It’s crazy. I, I work just there. TOM Yeah, I just, um… I remember you said you worked at a cinema in Hackney, uh, there are a lot of cinemas in Hackney, but then I remembered you said it was near the overground so, yeah. JESSIE Wow. Good work Detective Morse. Inspector Morse. It... yeah, kind of… not a detective, he’s an inspector. What are you doing here? TOM Actually, um, you left this at my flat. JESSIE Oh, aha. That’s not mine. TOM Really? JESSIE No. I’ll have it though. TOM Huh, okay, well, uh, that’s weird I, I came to return this, but it’s not yours and now I look like a psycho so I should probably head off. JESSIE Okay. Alright. Bye. TOM Bye. See ya. JESSIE I’m so sorry, I am… I’m walking this way as well, yeah. TOM Oh, okay. JESSIE I… yeah, I was just… so, I can walk a bit with you. TOM Yeah, sure. JESSIE Yeah. Well, it’ll be good actually, it’ll be good, just in case some crazy super fan kills you on the way home. TOM What if you kill me? JESSIE Oh, please, I’m not a fan but… there’s this amazing, abandoned warehouse that I really wanna show you. TOM Oh, yeah, I’ve actually got a couple of auditions. JESSIE Really? They’re probably listening to us right now, this conversation. TOM The government? JESSIE Yeah. Big Brother’s always watching. Wake up sheeple. TOM Ooh, I hope they didn’t just hear you say sheeple. JESSIE I hope they did so they can know that I’m onto them. TOM D’you wanna… JESSIE Yes. TOM …come in? JESSIE No. I’m, I’m… TOM I didn’t mean for it to sound like that, like I wanted something to happen. JESSIE No, no, no, I do, I, I, I want to have something, have something happen. TOM Oh, okay. Cool, me too. JESSIE Great. Um, great, no I, um, I, I got my period this afternoon. TOM For the first time? JESSIE Yeah. That’s very funny, actually made me laugh. I don’t usually find men funny so, um, it’s a real win for you. No, I just, um, I just wanted to flag it because sometimes people can be a bit… TOM You do know I’m an adult man, don’t you? JESSIE Wow. I hope they heard what you just said for your sake. That was great. That was… I liked, I liked that. What about that? How much did that cost? TOM I don’t know. JESSIE Hmm. What about that? TOM I’m not sure, it was just here when I got the place. JESSIE How much was this cup? TOM Yeah, it’s rude to talk about money, you know. JESSIE Well, silence is the tool of the oppressor. TOM Uh-huh, and what do you mean by that? JESSIE I don’t know buy it is… it sounds true, and it sounds quite smart so that’s why I said it. TOM So, um, do you like working at the cinema? JESSIE So, do you like being an actor? TOM What? JESSIE No, sorry, sorry, it was just a bit of a weird question. TOM Well I just wanna know things about you. JESSIE Why? TOM So I can describe you to the police when you steal my cup. JESSIE I won’t, I won’t steal it. TOM What are your parents’ names? JESSIE David and Liz. TOM And which one do you like more? JESSIE Um, my mum, I guess, but I ruined her body, so she’s earnt my loyalty in a way. TOM D’you wanna ask me anything? JESSIE Yes. Sorry, yeah, of course. Um, okay, what is your favourite colour? TOM Blue. JESSIE Cool, okay. Um, what is your second favourite colour? TOM Oh, come on. JESSIE No, I… that’s a good question, to be fair. I feel it says a lot about someone what their second favourite is, you know. TOM My second favourite colour is green. You have five minutes to think of a better question. JESSIE Okay. Fine. Charge your phone you dumb ass. TOM You know what, can I change my answer? I don’t think blue is my favourite colour any more. I can’t hear you thinking. Come on, next question. PAPARAZZI Over here. Homewrecker. Homewrecker. Oh, wait, wait, it’s just the cleaner. JESSIE Yeah. Yeah, sorry. PAPARAZZI Sorry, love. JESSIE Yeah. PAPARAZZI It’s an honest job. JESSIE Thank you. Have a great day. TOM Jessie? Jessie?