ALL BOTH BOYS BOY_1 BOY_2 BOY_3 CLAIRE CUSTOMER DR_MILLER DYLAN FLIER_1 FLIER_2 JIMMY JJ JOYCE JUSTIN KENNETH LUNCH_LADY MAYA MOMS MOM_1 MOM_2 MOM_3 MOM_4 MR_POWERS RAY KENNETH Mi mi mi mi mi mi mi. Red leather, yellow leather. Red leather, yellow leather. Red leather... JJ KENNETH Can you not mock my vocal warmups? You know my voice cracks when I go high. And you like to say, "Damn," a lot. Huh. No one ever parks there. Have we a new wheelchair user at Lafayette High? What? Red PA parking pass. KENNETH Tem, temporary disabled? Dude, relax. I'm blue parking tag for life. You can be civil. CLAIRE Why me? Why do I have to be in a stupid wheelchair for three whole weeks? What did I do to deserve this? I'm a freak. Great. People are already staring. What? Never seen someone in a wheelchair before? KENNETH Mm hmm, tourists. DR MILLER Mr. and Mrs. Dimeo, thank you for coming in. We have a problem. JIMMY Kiddo, what happened? DYLAN I'm being persecuted for a righteous act of civil disobedience. DR MILLER She flipped out and broke a trophy. And it was the sportsmanship award. Isn't that ironic? DYLAN The trophy culture at this school is a disgrace. It promotes mediocrity. Look at them, Mom. MAYA Participation. MAYA Most improved. Most improved participation. Well, that's the one you break. JIMMY All right, while we're debating which trophy to break next, obviously, Dylan will replace this one. Are there any other consequences we should discuss? DR MILLER Well, we've explored our disciplinary options, suspension, detention, but we decided on a more positive route. DYLAN Do not pull out a trophy. DYLAN Why are you taking a picture of your nipple? RAY I noticed something in the shower. Doesn't it look off to you? DYLAN No, Ray, it's gorgeous. Is that what you want to hear? MAYA Oh, no, it's for my sangria. If you want fruit, there's jellybeans in the cupboard. JIMMY Oh, right, your party's tonight. MAYA It is not a party. It is a gathering of special needs mothers. JIMMY That usually gets broken up by the cops. RAY Mom, Dad, I just got a text. JIMMY Really? Well, good for you. RAY No, it gets better. Justin Chang and his friends want to come over to watch the MMA fight tonight. This is the guy's night I need. After Jillian broke my heart, I decided to take a year off from women, a vow of celibacy. MAYA But darling, what will the women do? RAY Not my problem. I'm focused on myself and deepening my male friendships. JIMMY You can have your guys' night, but heads up, your mother's special needs mom group is coming over too. RAY No. Negative. Reschedule. Those ladies are nuts. You're going to embarrass me. MAYA We will not. But if you get embarrassed by six strong moms who party as hard as they love, well, you need to check your privilege. Is that right? JIMMY I think so. CLAIRE You seriously expect me to take a test on World War II? War, marching, hello. MR POWERS jj, there you are. Oh, thank God. Claire here is a spirited student who was recently injured. I'm sorry, what happened exactly? CLAIRE I was training for nationals. I was on the balance beam. I underrotated my dismount then snapped both of my ankles. MR POWERS Tell it again. KENNETH I'm sorry. How does that affect us? MR POWERS Claire has had a little bit of difficulty adjusting, and so I was hoping that jj could show her how you navigate the school. KENNETH I'll do it. MR POWERS Yes, thank you. Thank you so much. Sweet. jj, thank you. No backsies. KENNETH Okay. My Lafayette High. KENNETH Ramp. KENNETH Elevator. KENNETH Poster that says they like people in wheelchairs. That concludes our tour. CLAIRE That's all you get? LUNCH LADY There's my supermodel. If anybody asks, you didn't get it from me. KENNETH He also gets this, but that ain't the wheelchair. That's just charm. CLAIRE That looks amazing. Oh, I can't. I'm in training. You're right. Screw it. I haven't had sugar in ten years. This tastes so much better than gymnastics. KENNETH That's why I quit. CLAIRE I've been a real pain. I can't believe you're being so nice to me. And to think, I mean, we wouldn't have even met if it weren't for the... They have cookies? KENNETH Someone is coming around on the red tag, huh? Oh, just because she's in a wheelchair? Oh, come on, man. You know that's not how I think. You, on the other hand, won't rest til you get me with the one black lady in your neighborhood. Ms. Jameson is a Libra. I know our signs are compatible. Not the point. You like this girl? Mm-hmm. Well, that's all I needed to know. Switching from aide to wingman in three, two, welcome back, KENNETH Claire. My man and I were just talking. What's on tap for you physical therapy-wise? CLAIRE We haven't talked about it. My parents are going through a divorce, so I'm not sure anyone can take me. KENNETH That's a more depressing answer than I was prepared for. We've got a great one. Maybe join us tomorrow? CLAIRE Great, let's. MR POWERS Oh, my God, you got her to smile. You are a miracle worker, jj. KENNETH Hey, just like the poster. MR POWERS Oh. RAY So, guys, while we wait for the fight to start, would anyone like to talk about some conversation starters? Have you ever spoken in front of a large group of people? How did it go? JUSTIN You guys see Lucy Mullens's student council speech? BOY 1 So hot. BOY 2 I'm going to vote for her and I don't even agree with any of her policies. RAY Lucy Mullens? More like Loose Melons. Am I right? JUSTIN Nice wordplay, dude. Smart stuff. BOY 3 Lucy's cute, but I've had hotter. Jeremy Goldstein's bar mitzvah, his cousin. BOY 2 She's hot, but I've kissed her friend who's even hotter. JUSTIN What about you, Ray? Hottest girl you ever hooked up with? RAY You know, I'm not really a kiss and tell kind of guy. Let's hear more about this bar mitzvah. Did Jeremy speak in front of a large group? How did it go? MOM 1 This is really fun, but are we going to talk at all about the issues facing special needs parents? MAYA Of course we are. And here's an issue. My glass is empty. MOM 2 What's going on back there? MAYA Oh, Ray's got some friends over. MOM 3 You let him hang out with the door closed? MOM 1 I'd never let my Jason do that. I caught him and his friends smoking pot the other day. MOM 4 I found Brianna with a boy in her room. She said they were just naked dry humping, but I don't know. MOM 1 Jason's therapist says that special needs siblings tend to act out because they need to feel they're being heard. MAYA Hey, listen. I'm not going to let you blame yourself, and here's why. You're perfect. You're perfect. You're perfect. You're perfect. That's a plant. ALL MAYA Gonna sit down. ALL JUSTIN That fight was crazy! RAY Now that's mixed martial artistry. JUSTIN So, what do you guys want to do now? RAY Now? As in you want the night to continue? JUSTIN Yeah, this is great. MAYA You know, I get the acting out thing, but I'm not worried about Ray. You know, he can close his door. MOM 2 Is he a teenager? Honey, wake up and sniff the Adderall. MAYA But Ray really does tell me everything. Poor love took a vow of celibacy, as if that changes anything. And tonight is a guys' night to "deepen his male friendships." MOMS Awww. JUSTIN Dude, is that why we're here? BOYS RAY You said you wouldn't embarrass me. MAYA I'm sorry, darling. And I know "Mommy had a bit too much sangria" isn't the explanation you're looking for. RAY It was going so well. Now I have to go salvage my rep with Justin Chang. And everyone knows that Justin Chang does not give second chances. I'll just give him some beer. Do we have anything in the fridge? MAYA I'm not giving you beer. RAY You are a very unhelpful level of drunk. JUSTIN Hey, Ray, how's that vow of celibacy? ALL RAY You think my mom knows what this dirty dog gets up to? JUSTIN What do you mean? RAY She doesn't know this, but I have one girlfriend… that I know of. JUSTIN Well, I guess we should just take your word for it, or we could check for pictures of her on your phone. RAY I don't take pictures of her. I'd much rather live in the moment then observe it through a lens. BOY 2 Wait, is that what I think it is? RAY What? JUSTIN No way. She sent you a nipple pic? RAY Oh, yeah. That's from my girlfriend. She sent me a sext, and that's the sext. JUSTIN Ray, you're awesome. RAY I am. And that is hers. It looks healthy, right? JIMMY Look at all these trophies. Best breather. This one just says you read a book. DYLAN I'm not in a teasing mood, Jimmy. Hey, buddy. We were waiting. CUSTOMER I just have a quick question. DYLAN Oh, just have a quick question. Is it, "Will these people stand idly by while I cut?" 'Cause the answer's no. What urgent trophy matter has the two of us standing back here like a couple of... DYLAN What an honor! The most important man in the world in our local trophy shop! He's shorter than I thought. JIMMY Are you done? DYLAN I'm sorry. I can't let someone dump on me and not do anything about it. JIMMY Honey, that's my job description. You know what? Forget school. You're coming with me. I'll show you how it's done. JOYCE Happy to have you with us today, Claire. Two for the price of one. That's fun. All right, why don't you describe for me your typical exercise regimen? CLAIRE Well, I'm usually in the gym for two hours before school and another three after. I have six percent body fat and I still have a shot at Tokyo in 2020. JOYCE Okay. Squeeze this a few times. JJ KENNETH Yeah, get some. Yeah, you're the boss! CLAIRE 93, 94. JOYCE And center. CLAIRE What do you mean, like this? JOYCE Oh, I was talking to myself. JOYCE That's it. We've got you. That's it. Yeah. CLAIRE Nobody likes a showoff. JOYCE Come on. The doctor said you were cleared for weight-bearing. CLAIRE No, I'm not ready. KENNETH I did it. You can do it. CLAIRE I can't. I can't. KENNETH Come on, Rock. KENNETH Dude, not loving this new square. Come on, Rock. You can do it, Rock. CLAIRE Stop telling him to call me the Rock. KENNETH Not the Rock, Rock from Rocky. CLAIRE Oh, I've never seen that. JOYCE You've never seen Rocky? And up. CLAIRE I did it. I did it. This is great. Thank you, jj. Thank you guy who yells at Rock. JOYCE Rocky. Rocky. Sit back down. KENNETH This went well, right? Hey, this chick is digging you. You don't understand. I know how girls see me, like a friend or a teddy bear. Jj, you really think that? Let it go. It's E-A-- easier. CLAIRE So, my mom just texted me. She's going on a Tinder date tonight. She's really getting back out there with a vengeance. Anyway, I have the house to myself tonight if you want to come over and study for mid-terms. KENNETH Yes. That's a yes. Hold on. Yes. CLAIRE Cool. So, I'll see you later. KENNETH Yeah. RAY And it gets better. She has a twin sister. DR MILLER Young man. Young man, in my office now. And bring your phone. ALL DR MILLER Stop. MAYA Sorry I'm late. What's the occasion? Did you win an essay contest, Ray, or find a mistake in a standardized test? DR MILLER I'm afraid not. Ray's been distributing this. It's a sexual photo of a girl's nipple. MAYA Sexual? DR MILLER Sexual. MAYA Sexual? DR MILLER Sexual. MAYA Sexual? RAY Can you please both stop saying "sexual"? MAYA Is that true? DR MILLER Now, this is the first time something so, well, hot has happened at this school. The Lafayette community is awaiting my response. You will be made an example of. Now, do either of you have any questions? MAYA But...? DR MILLER Oh God, she's not yelling at me. It's more serious than I thought. JIMMY See all those angry people there? They just arrived from Hawaii without any of their luggage. Watch and learn. Hello, how can I help you? FLIER 1 If you've lost my bag, I have no belts. JIMMY I'm terribly sorry. Can I offer you ten dollars off your next flight? FLIER 2 Okay, if I'm not strumming the ukulele by tomorrow, I will eat your family. JIMMY I'm going to put the word "priority" in your file. DYLAN Attention everyone. Shut up. You're all terrible people with the saddest tan lines I've ever seen coming off any Hawaiian flight. What do you use, 90SPF? Weak. JIMMY Sorry about her. She's in training. DYLAN How can you just take that? Those people are treating you the way I treat Ray, and that is disgusting. JIMMY Where is all this anger coming from? DYLAN I'm sick of this family constantly being messed with. And I guess I'm a freak, but I'm sorry. I just can't hold it all in. I'm not like you. JIMMY I can't do that either. After I finish this, I've got something I want to show you. KENNETH Whoo, yes. You, my dude, look ready. It's not a date. Okay, whatever you say. What if it is? Just be yourself. People love that guy. You need anything? The chain? I was 30 before I could pull this off. There. Damn. See, this is why I do the vocal exercises. Let's go. CLAIRE Oh, hey, guys. Come on in. Oh, I love the gold chain, jj. It's so 80s. KENNETH Well, what are you waiting for? Get in there. Hello, everyone. Love you. MAYA I don't even know you. All this talk of celibacy and male friendship, meanwhile I'm harboring the nipple king of Lafayette High. RAY I don't deserve that title. MAYA I've been so blind. My drunk moms were right. You don't get enough attention. RAY You don't understand. MAYA Well, then help me understand. RAY I want to tell you, but if I do, you have to promise me you will not speak of this to anyone. MAYA Oh, my God, what? Is it a baby? I won't love it, Ray. I'm sorry. Not a word, I promise. RAY This is the picture. MAYA Wait a minute. RAY Other one. MAYA You twit. What possessed you to send that thing around? RAY Hey, you humiliated me in front of my friends. He stepped up. MAYA You're innocent. Let's go tell the principal and just clear this up. RAY No way. If this gets out, I'll be a laughing stock. I can't handle it. I do not have the strength of character. You raised me. That is on you. MAYA But you're not getting in trouble for this. I can't let that happen. RAY It's my call. It stays between the three of us. I trusted you. You promised. MAYA What's that? Oh, he says he's with me and he wants to tell the principal. DYLAN If looking at the stars is supposed to calm me down, it ain't working, old man. That one's looking at me funny. JIMMY Just wait for it. Sometimes I need to blow off some steam. This is how I let it go. Try it. DYLAN JIMMY Wait for a plane. DYLAN That makes more sense. BOTH DYLAN I like it. JIMMY So you get angry. Don't ever let it make you feel weird or different. You're certainly no different than me. DYLAN I think I got it all out. JIMMY That constellation looks like a trophy. DYLAN KENNETH I don't understand it. All the signs were there. I am never wrong about women, except for my two ex-wives. Am I always wrong about women? Wait, are you just going to go without saying goodbye? Like she'll no notice. CLAIRE Hey jj, thanks for coming tonight. You know, I kind of hate you right now. I am still sore from earlier. That's the first workout I've done since my accident. Guess I'm not in jj shape. Well, goodnight. KENNETH Wait. I want to show you Rocky. CLAIRE I'd love to see Rocky with you. See you. KENNETH That's the chain. JJ Shhh. MAYA Darling, you know I'm right. You can't get in trouble for this nonsense. Huge mistake. I can't watch you do it. RAY It should be my choice. You're right, I did tell you everything. I trusted you. I liked that. I can't do that anymore. DR MILLER Why don't you two come on in. RAY Hold on. One last time. MAYA Dr. Miller, before you pass judgment on my son, there is something you need to know about this picture. Do you want to tell her? This poor, poor girl. Ray is a sexually deviant young man. RAY You mean it? MAYA Yes, I do. He's ready to accept his punishment. DR MILLER Ray, you will be suspended for a week, and I'll compose a letter to every Lafayette family detailing the consequences so they know that this will not be tolerated. RAY That is great. Thank you, Dr. Miller. Thank you, Mom. You guys rock. DR MILLER This really did go well, didn't it? MAYA Oh, hello, love. Your next Dimeo's here. DYLAN Hi, doctor. I replaced the trophy that I broke and I've learned my lesson. DR MILLER Thank you. DYLAN Why are we looking at Ray's nipple? DR MILLER Ray? This is you? Why didn't you say so? Oh, that letter will be so much more fun to write. RAY JIMMY That's it, buddy. Let it out.