ALL BOTH CHARLIE CHEELEADERS CHEERLEADER CHEERLEADERS DR_MILLER DYLAN JILLIAN JIMMY JJ JOYCE KENNETH LAUREN_B MAYA MEDIC NEIGHBORS OFFICE_ASSISTANT RAY TOM MAYA Places, everyone! It's show time! RAY Can we please not do this? MAYA Ray, it's a new neighborhood. We've got to find out which is fastest. RAY It's unnecessary. MAYA 3...2.. RAY It's probably illegal. RAY Are we ever gonna get our furniture from the old house? There's no place for anyone to sit. JIMMY Uh, he's right. Up. You've hogged it long enough. JJ MAYA Ooh. Health Alert or Medic Call?...Who's the winner? MEDIC Someone pressed a Health Alert pendant? MAYA Sorry. It was a false alarm. But we do have a special needs child who at some point in the future may require immediate medical care. Your response time was exceptional. Please accept this basket as a token of our deepest gratitude for your time and your service. Too late. He died. MAYA Listen, whoever you want to be your aide, I'll make it happen. I mean, that's what I do. But why this gardener man? I mean, what makes you think that he's the one for the job? JIMMY "I like him." MAYA Yeah, what else? JIMMY "You don't." MAYA jj. He mows grass for a living. This is a man whose chief job competition is goats. KENNETH Um, Mrs. DiMeo, I I I'm right here. JIMMY Aww. You thought that would embarrass her. That's cute. KENNETH Look, we got off on the wrong foot. I'd like to give you something. Hee hee! Yeah. She's smiling, right? That's right. KENNETH So, I, uh, I'm excited. Little nervous. You're gonna have to help me out. I've never been an aide before. "I've never had one." Oh. Okay, well, this isn't gonna work out at all. BOTH KENNETH "Have questions?" I I do, actually. What perspective does the disability experience lend "Real questions." Okay, let's do this. Do I handle bathroom stuff? Does your dude stuff work? Is my voice good to speak for you? I can go lower. Are you like Rain Man? Do you count cards? Should we go to Vegas? Okay, you're a liar. That's good to know. DR MILLER So, how can I help the DiMeos? JIMMY You're conflicted. Let me sell this. Well, we have a request. MAYA Don't ask. Tell. Firm. JIMMY Fine. What we want MAYA Need. JIMMY What we need and we realize this is unconventional, but MAYA Oh, love. We have dismissed our son's aide and chosen his replacement. It's your groundskeeper. He starts tomorrow. JIMMY Yeah. DR MILLER Kenneth! That's wonderful! He's a natural born caregiver. And he's already part of the Lafayette High family. I support it wholeheartedly. MAYA Does no one understand how these things go? You don't just say yes. You push back. That way, we owe you something. Okay, watch for next time. DR MILLER Yes. MAYA "We're hiring the gardener." "As an aide? Preposterous!" "It's our decision. It's our son." "It's my school!" "Well, it won't be when our lawyers are done with you." "So, you're going to sue me now? Fine! I approve it on a trial basis. But do not mistake my kindness for weakness. I will not be threatened, and you are not the only one with lawyers, bitch!" DR MILLER "...trial...basis." This is fantastic. JIMMY Hey. What are you working on? RAY The girl I like, Jillian, I'm trying to find some time to talk to her. This is the school. The green dots are her schedule, and the red dots are her boyfriend Zane's. It's all day. I can't get a minute alone. JIMMY Be patient. You'll find a window. And shred this. No. Oh, no. No! Dylan. Dylan, stop. We can't have the neighbors seeing you cleaning up sends a bad message. DYLAN What message? JIMMY That we clean up. Listen, you're of an age I want to say 12 where it's time that you learn who we are and and how we deal with people. DYLAN I'm so ready. JIMMY Okay. Our family has a complicated life, so things are gonna fall through the cracks. Lawns aren't gonna get mowed, garbage bins aren't gonna get taken in. It's best to be clear about that. It's the DiMeo way. We've set the bar nice and low. Oh, no. He's coming over. All right. Just keep quiet and don't look cute. Damn it, child. That's adorable. TOM Well, hello, there neighbor. My name's Tom. JIMMY Hey. TOM And your name is...? JIMMY Jimmy. My name's Jimmy. TOM Well, I brought you a lovely welcoming gift. They're my famous macarons. I can't tell you how wonderful it is to have a nice family move in. The last owner, he just really let the place go. You're, uh She's really eating them fast. Anyway, if you'd like, I would gladly give you the name of a wonderful landscaper, handyman, painter whatever you need. JIMMY Ah, we're we're really more do it yourselfers... TOM Oh. JIMMY ...w who don't do it. TOM I see. Okay. You know, they're supposed to be savored. MAYA Right, he has physical therapy today at 400, and I've packed his lunch. It's all cut up into small pieces to avoid choking. JJ MAYA What's so funny? KENNETH Sorry, it's just, um Well, you had to be there. MAYA I was right here, trying to instruct you on how not to kill my son. Everything you need to know is in this book. KENNETH The kid comes with instructions? Feeding, communication... Culture? His favorite show is "The Bachelor"? MAYA Yes. It's our tradition. We have a date every Monday night. KENNETH Oh, you're serious. This is beautiful the bond between a... mother and...son. BOTH MAYA Ooh! Wait! Hold on! Right. Here's a sweater in case he get cold. And this is sunblock 'cause he's very fair. And if there's a medical emergency, one of these is very fast, and one isn't. I don't remember. Press them both. KENNETH He's gonna be okay. MAYA This is hard for me. He's my world. KENNETH Look. I admit, I don't have this figured out. It felt like a challenge and also a good way to help somebody. I will earn your trust, Mrs. DiMeo. Your son is in good hands. I'm not gonna lie. That sucked. RAY Jillian. You're alone. Don't you and Zane have Spanish together? JILLIAN Zane? No, he switched to Mandarin. What's that? RAY Uh...it's a contract. I'm leasing a car. Bad idea. I am too young. So, Mandarin? Like the oranges. Like 'em? I love 'em! You can put them on salad or you can eat them alone. You got to peel them, though. It's a lot of work. It's not worth it. JILLIAN Uh, all right. RAY I have a window. Yes! KENNETH Mrs. DiMeo. MAYA Hello, Kenneth. Just checking to see you arrived safely at school with my son and that, once there, removed him from the van. KENNETH We're in school, and jj's doing just fine. Here he is. You can ask him yourself. MAYA Did he just put you on the phone? Take the phone back, Kenneth! The boy doesn't speak! That's kind of the whole thing! KENNETH Roger that. Have a great day, Mrs. DiMeo. All right, um, let's get down to business. There's a lot going on here. Are you a sports guy or, uh, you into music? What do you think about? Okay. Mm hmm. That's curious. I didn't notice a "butt" section in the book. Might an aide help in that department? All right. First thing, uh, we got to do something about this. Ugh. Let's go shopping. KENNETH Uh, lost and found, please. My friend misplaced some things. OFFICE ASSISTANT What did he lose? KENNETH Let's see what you got. Come on, jj! It's a girl's shirt, man. It buttons on the wrong side. Yeah, but I'll know. We said we'd try. Now we know. Yeah, I'm liking this. Wait a second. Young man...do I see a chest hair? Look. Yeah, we got to show that thing off. RAY Hey, Dylan. Have you heard about these glowing worms in New Zealand that hang from caves and catch their prey in slimy threads? DYLAN Ray, please. I'm pretending to do homework. RAY Dad. Great news. I found my window with Jillian. And I also found the perfect short thing to say to show her I'm cool. DYLAN Oh, no. Ray, please, not the glow worms. RAY Shh! Dad, have you heard about these glowing worms in New Zealand that hang JIMMY It's weak. RAY It's tight! JIMMY Mnh mnh. DYLAN Dad. Look. Huh? Look what I did. Come on. Lousy neighbors. Tone set. JIMMY Ohhh, Dylan, you didn't. DYLAN What? It's the DiMeo way. JIMMY No, this is not who we are. Picking on people, pulling pranks that's a jerk move. The DiMeos are not jerks. We're idiots. DYLAN What's the difference? RAY People hate jerks. Jerks are mean. JIMMY But idiots idiots are gonna mess up. And what are you gonna do get angry? They're idiots. So, the world lets idiots lead their idiot lives. That's what we want. DYLAN Think he'll know it came from us? JIMMY Nah. He's probably just pointing over here, saying, "It wasn't them." CHEERLEADER Everyone, this is jj. ALL Hi, jj! CHEERLEADER jj is interested in being our new cheer manager, and I don't think the fact that that's not a thing is any reason to say "No." ALL KENNETH Oh, dude! We got to go. You have your appointment. "I always..." mi"miss them. Yeah, I don't know, man. "They need their manager." Are you trying to be adorable right now? Fine. But if your mother calls, we got to go. All right? All right. Let's see what these young ladies got, huh? Can't be a guy who drives a van and says that. I'll...be right over here. MAYA Joyce, I'm so sorry. jj never misses an appointment. I mean, he's got this new aide, and, I mean, I just... I have to believe that he's okay. JOYCE You know what? You're upset. I'll get out of your way. Send me a check. MAYA A check? What check? Why would I send you a check? JOYCE For my time, of course. And I drove here. MAYA Ahhhh. You're a pushy little hippie, aren't you? Ray! Get in here! It's time for your physical therapy. RAY I'm...not jj. I'm I'm the other one. MAYA I know who you are. Your brother's MIA. If we pay for physical therapy, we get physical therapy. Go on. Heal him. Now! JOYCE Copy that. All right. Follow me. ALL Yeah! KENNETH Whoo! CHEERLEADERS Be aggressive! B E aggressive! Whoo! Ready? Be aggressive! be aggressive! Whoo! KENNETH Looks like you're working up a sweat, huh? Listen never a mistake. Mm hmm? JOYCE Now, since this is our first time working together, if you can't make it all the way to the cone, no cause for shame. RAY I think I'll manage. JOYCE Oh, I'm sorry. What are you doing? Just walk how you normally walk. RAY This is how I walk. JOYCE Oh, no. Okay. This is all wrong. Listen. You pronate. You have a petite gait with a 20 degree kickout. It's gonna cause back pain and organ imbalances. I mean, it's fine for today, but is this your long term walking plan? RAY I mean, it was! JOYCE Okay. Don't worry. Don't worry. We'll get you there. It's gonna take work hard work but we are gonna do it, all right? Let's go back to the top, here. We're gonna try again. But this time, plant the heel, little toe mound, big toe mound. Swing the opposite arm as you plant with an imaginary string pulling you up, elongating your form. Go. RAY What have you done to me?! CHEERLEADERS DiMeo! DiMeo! jj DiMeo! DiMeo! DiMeo! jj DiMeo! MAYA Oi! KENNETH Aah! MAYA You're watching cheerleaders?! I've been worried sick! 2, 4, 6, 8, who do we take for granted? KENNETH Wouldn't you just say "Not appreciate"? MAYA I've been calling you for an hour. KENNETH Oh, really? Where's my phone? I'm sorry, but, um... we were just having fun. MAYA And where are your clothes? KENNETH I gave him a little upgrade. MAYA Ohh. New and improved, is it? All it took was a day away from me. Great. You know what? Give me your keys. Come on, jj if that is indeed still your name. CHEERLEADERS Kenneth! Kenneth! Jj and Kenneth! Kenneth! Kenneth! Jj... KENNETH Chant about the mom. CHEERLEADERS ...and Kenneth! KENNETH The mom! CHEELEADERS Kenneth! Jj and Kenneth! KENNETH Mom, mom, the mom! CHEERLEADERS Jj and Kenneth! KENNETH The mom! MAYA Stop making excuses for the man. I don't want to hear it. RAY Mom, we need to talk. I'm a petite walker who pronates with a 20 degree kickout. MAYA Everybody knows that, Ray. It's not the time. I don't trust the man. He left you in the street. He missed your appointment. RAY Nope. Don't drag me into this. I have walking videos to watch. "He gives me stuff you can't." MAYA What? Like fun? I'm very, very fun. I'm a barrel of laughs. RAY "You think you know all I want." MAYA But I do! I literally wrote the book, jj. I know you better than you know yourself. RAY I'm not saying that. MAYA What? RAY "I hate 'The Bachelor.'" MAYA Take that back! DYLAN What's the play? JIMMY Don't worry. Follow my lead. JIMMY Tom. Hey, neighbor. TOM Don't, okay? That word means something. JIMMY This is about not keeping the house up. Okay, listen. I've thought about it. It is really not too much to ask. We we have...Oh! Again! Who keeps sending us pizzas? TOM Wait. What? I Jimmy, I owe you an apology. JIMMY Why? Are Are you doing this? DYLAN Tom! We're neighbors! TOM No. Someone's been sending me pizzas, okay? I thought you were pranking me. JIMMY Well, if I was, then I'm also pranking myself, so...it's not that. TOM Oh! You know who I bet it is? It's this Charlie guy lives two streets over. DYLAN Little guy? Shifty? TOM No. DYLAN Yeah. I've seen him. JIMMY Okay. Not a great first day for Kenneth. MAYA Yeah, but it makes for a fantastic last one, doesn't it? Can you believe that jj thinks that man knows him better than I do and that he's more fun? JIMMY Wait a minute. Is that what this is? If Kenneth doesn't have what it takes, okay, he's got to go. But if this is about you feeling threatened, you have to get over it. MAYA No, no, no. It's the first one. It's the one you liked. Can I fire him now? JIMMY MAYA Look, I mean it. Doesn't matter if he's fun. It's not what the job's about. The job is about jj's dignity and safety. It's about feeding him and showering him and taking care of his basic needs. Kenneth does not have what it takes. JIMMY jj loves Kenneth. This is gonna sting. MAYA You're right. I'll get the principal to do it, eh? KENNETH Did she say what this was about? MAYA She did not. DR MILLER Mrs. DiMeo. KENNETH If this is about the stuff that we took from the lost and found, tell her we'll return it. He just liked it. And finding Crocs in my size I felt like it was a sign. MAYA I'll be sure to convey that. DR MILLER I know that you called this meeting, but I I have news. It turns out there's training Kenneth would require, and in a world where there are qualified applicants, the district can't justify the expense. The request was denied. MAYA DR MILLER You seem...broken up. Perhaps I should tell them myself? MAYA Yeah. Do that. MAYA Where's my son? OFFICE ASSISTANT He had to use the restroom. MAYA But he needs me for that. KENNETH All right, pal. It's okay, buddy. I got you. Nice and easy. All right. All right, it's all good. You'd do the same for me, right? Yeah. All right, but don't make me guess next time, okay? If you hold it in too long, then we got trouble. We already took the last pair of pants in your size. JJ KENNETH Yeah, no need to thank me. We're boys. MAYA We're keeping Kenneth. DR MILLER Is this the arguing thing from before? Oh, goody! What do I say now? MAYA No, no. This isn't a conversation. DR MILLER But wait. The list. MAYA Yeah, you know what everyone on that list has in common? White men. DR MILLER Well, h have you seen it? I I can't imagine that Grace Huang is MAYA It's very simple. Terminate a child's aide based on race and have a giant pr nightmare or make this work. Understood? DR MILLER I can do it. I have dirt on the superintendent. He's my brother, but screw it. JILLIAN Oh. Hey, Ray. RAY Hi, Jillian. I saw something online, and I thought of you. Have you heard about these glowing worms in New Zealand that hang from caves and catch their prey in slimy threads? JILLIAN I saw a video. When they glow, it looks like the night sky. RAY Right! That's what made me think of you because we both love astronomy. JILLIAN That's sweet. Time for class. Walk with me. JOYCE Walk to the cone. Petite walker. Walk how you normally walk. You stupid petite walker! You're a disgrace! You'll never amount to anything! RAY She didn't even say that. JILLIAN Are you all right? RAY Just go! Why did you have to make me walk?! MAYA So, all the principal wanted to know was whether we were happy with Kenneth. JIMMY And are we? MAYA We are. I mean, it's an adjustment to you and a little to my son. But I'll try. To be frank, yesterday, I didn't trust or like you. Now I trust you. KENNETH It's a start. DYLAN Dad. Check it out. NEIGHBORS DYLAN I bet that's Charlie. Wow. Tom's really letting him have it. JIMMY Poor guy. Collateral damage. DYLAN Wait. So, we're just gonna let this happen? Seems like kind of a jerk move. TOM I didn't want any pizza that night, Charlie, okay? I'd already eaten. CHARLIE I didn't do it! JIMMY Now, now, now, now. Now, wait. Hang on. It wasn't Charlie. It was us. TOM You? JIMMY We did it. I'm sorry. It was just a messed up try to announce ourselves to the neighborhood. You're a nice guy, and you all of you deserve to know now, we're lousy neighbors. MAYA Yeah. JIMMY We're not gonna take in our trash bins. We're not gonna fix up our house. If we receive your packages, they will become our packages. RAY We had a snake when we moved in. Where it is now is anyone's guess. MAYA And we're definitely gonna swim in all of your pools. DYLAN We already did. JIMMY It's just... who we are. TOM Let me get this straight You pranked us, lied about it, you people are awful, and you know it, and you've decided you're not gonna do anything about it ever. I mean, you people are jerks. DYLAN No. We're idiots. KENNETH I just work here. LAUREN B Oh, my God. Yes. Give me that thing. MAYA You too, darling. You'll always be my baby.