BIG_TV COREY COWORKERS DYLAN EMPLOYEES GIRL GIRLS JIMMY JJ KENNETH MAUDE MAYA OWEN RAY REPORTER ROD ROSIE SPORTS_ANNOUNCER STUDENTS TARA KENNETH Dude, why does your mom make us shop at my rival grocery store? They steal my best workers. "And they stack stuff where even very C-O- coordinated people knock into them." Dude, JJ. I love when you let me save face. MAYA Oh, JJ, exciting news. KENNETH "Open bag of cookies or a stranger you can mould in your image" MAYA Yeah, your special needs Mother Teresa has a new cause. You're going to help me. It's a father and his son, who's disabled. They're new to town, they're going through a hard time. The kids having trouble making friends at school. KENNETH At my store, people mind their own business and shop. MAYA The kid wants to be a stand-up comedian. Except, because he's in a wheelchair, he said. KENNETH "He said sit-down comedian." MAYA Well, it was new to me. Anyway, make his day. Tell him his dreams will come true. Be his role model. Except spelled. KENNETH "R-O-L-L." MAYA Well, I'm sorry if you've heard every great joke ever. KENNETH "Getting in other people's business is your thing. I don't do-". MAYA Owen, this is JJ. OWEN Hi, JJ. It's a "wheel" pleasure. COREY MAYA A "wheel" pleasure. Good one, Owen. You know what? JJ will be the first to tell you that you can go anywhere. You can go anywhere in the world. Like- For example, to produce. KENNETH Colin. You look well. JIMMY Welcome, everybody, to the Annual It's Been a Year So Now It's Ours Luggage Giveaway. You guys will go first. Like lions in the jungle, I wait until my pride has had its fill. Let's go over the rules. Don't die. Go! EMPLOYEES JIMMY Suckers! I wanted this year old banana. Roar. JIMMY Behold my prize. RAY Cool box, Dad. KENNETH "Great corners." MAYA Perhaps I can turn it into my study. JIMMY So sad. Not the box. What's inside it. Again. Behold it's just kind of more awkward than it is heavy yeah. Yes! Stunned silence. 60 inches of HDR 4K UHD stuff for me. A Jimmy. I always knew I was special, I just I just wasn't sure how. But I'm a guy with a big TV. RAY World's Best Garbage Fights is going to look incredible, Dad. JIMMY Hmm. Seeing the big TV in here kind of makes everything else look, well, worse. Okay. Why don't we clean the place up a little bit? You know, make it worthy of the TV. Biggest helper gets the box. RAY Forget that you lost it. Why even take my graphing calculator? DYLAN You've got a machine that upside down spells "Hell" and "Boobless," Ray. I'm not supposed to show that off? RAY Whoa. GIRL Guys, wait up. RAY Where'd those girls come from? Is this school hot at night? DYLAN No, Ray. No. Let's go home, I'm starving. RAY Dylan, when you see a group of girls that hot walk through a door, you also walk through that door. COREY I was thinking balloon drop. MAYA Oh, it's your new mentor, JJ. Oh, JJ, you remember them. Owen's got a birthday party coming up and he's a bit worried that no one's going to show up. So we're just brainstorming ideas. OWEN I'm going to pop out of a big box and perform a comedy act. MAYA He's got this killer bit about if classic movie quotes were said by people with disabilities. Go on, take it away, Owen. OWEN I'm not walking here! MAYA Because he's not. Oh. JJ MAYA Oh, and in addition to CP, JJ also has a condition whereby he scowls at delightful things. MAYA JJ. He’s nervous about the surprise party. Tell him you love the popping out of the box idea. "I told you, I am not mentor material." Right, well, can you just tell him that he's hilarious? That you had to leave the room 'cause you peed your pants laughing. JJ, you had people who helped you. What would they think if they knew you couldn't be bothered to help others? "They never lied to me. You didn't. You were honest. You made me believe in myself. Do that for him.” Right. Let's hear some more great comedy. OWEN Houston, we have a mobility problem. COREY MAYA Nah, I'm right. GIRLS DYLAN Ray. Be cool. RAY Yeah, this is when that happens. Excuse me, what are all of these attractive people gathered here for? MAUDE It's a support group for teens. Whatever you're struggling with, we're here for you. RAY So I can join and none of them can leave? MAUDE No. They're free to leave anytime. RAY But they might not leave. MAUDE I guess. RAY Awesome. Yes, I could use some support. DYLAN What? Ray, no, we don't need are those pizzas for the group? MAUDE Sure are. DYLAN My parents just died. Meat lover's, please. KENNETH Wow. I feel like I walked into a catalog for slightly fancy homes. JIMMY Yeah, it's just a couple little things to bring the room up to par with the TV. I wall-mounted her over the mantel for optimal viewing angles. Installed drapes to reduce glare, cool sound bar. KENNETH Looks like a lot of work for a TV. JIMMY Kenneth, it's a lot of work because of a TV. Eh, thanks to Big TV, this room has never looked better. I mean, now the dumpiest thing in here is is me. Thank you, Big TV. I know what I must do. KENNETH Hey, bud. Aw, little JJ. "I was thinking about H- helping that kid. I think my mom's wrong, how she's handling it. And people did help me." Hey, buddy. You had me at mom's wrong. Oh, who's that? "Me and the right kind of role model. The first wheelchair user in space." The first what now? "Willy O'Groat, you've heard of him. "You think I would have. I-I just thought those guys had some pretty specific physical requirements. So he brought the chair up there or? "Didn't need to. Zero gravity." Oh. "We ran into him in a diner." Uh-huh. He had the helmet there with him. That's convenient. Uh. "He told me everything. Well, his aide did." Huh. He's nonverbal, too. Yeah, what a perfect person for you to run into, JJ. Mm-hmm. KENNETH "Willie O'Groat." MAYA What about the Commander? KENNETH "I miss him. I'd like to visit him." MAYA Oh, well he has died. He has taken his place among the stars. KENNETH "I'd like to pay my respects to his supermodel wife." MAYA Well, she, too, has passed. Soon after he. Broken heart, such was their love. KENNETH "I'd like to visit his grave." MAYA Inaccessible cemetery. Ironically. KENNETH "You're sure?" "I'd hate to think that something that made me believe in myself was fake." "That the person I trust most played me for a fool." MAYA Houston, we do have a mobility problem after all. TARA And that's why I switched lunch tables. It's made all the difference. MAUDE Good for you, Tara. That was a real breakthrough. RAY So, so brave. ROSIE The same thing happened to me. Yeah. RAY That was so brave, too. Um, I've noticed the redhead hasn't been brave yet. DYLAN I don't get it. Why not just get a cheese pizza if you're going to pick off all the 'roni's? Wait, is that like your problem? JIMMY Eh? Nice, right? BIG TV JIMMY What? JIMMY No, I-I. you're right. I guess it is a shame to watch something so trashy on a-on a TV this nice. SPORTS ANNOUNCER Ah, it's Mr. Johnson. He shoots and he sticks. BIG TV REPORTER Forget and Uh, and now. BIG TV JIMMY Okay, that's enough TV for now. MAYA Jimmy, tell my son I love him. JIMMY Tell the TV I don't need him. KENNETH "If the astronaut was fake, how many other lies did you tell me? List them." MAYA List my lies. Do you ask Kobayashi to list every hot dog he ever ate? I don't catalog my lies. KENNETH "My ninth birthday party. I was new at school but tons of kids came. Was that you? Was I even pen pals with FDR?" MAYA "Dear JJ, if I could be president in a wheelchair, so can you. Also please stop telling your mom her food tastes like farts." KENNETH "I trusted you. You betrayed me." MAYA You know what? I worked very hard on those lies, so I think I deserve a little bit of recognition. Just- JIMMY Mmm, weird angle. MAYA Do you know what? I'm just trying stuff. JJ, look. I'm sorry. Just tell me how I can make it up to you. KENNETH "There's nothing you can do for me. But you can stop Owen's dad from doing it to him." MAYA Oh, thank you, darling. I'll call him right now. Please, can I keep lying to your brother and sister? Oh, my God, thank you. Oh, thank you, darling. RAY Dylan. Success. I got a girl's name. DYLAN Don't you mean number? RAY I'm not Michael Fassbender. Her name is Tara. And it's not fake. I shouted it, and she flinched. MAUDE Everyone, let's gather back up. MAUDE So, we have some new faces. Would anyone care to share why they're here? DYLAN Oh, us? Nah. We're good. RAY Not so good that it's weird that we're here. She's really the one with all the problems. DYLAN I mean, I can think of some problems. I lost my calculator and I cannot deal, and you know, my younger sister is just so much cooler than me. I cry in my sleep and don't know it. RAY Seriously? DYLAN Just a ginormous mess. MAUDE Wow. Thank you for sharing. I validate your feelings, but you are great just the way you are. And we are thrilled that you're here. DYLAN Really? That's so nice. RAY I'll take my touch before I share, if that's okay. COWORKERS ROD Jimmy. Jimmy. Jimmy. I said, did you see last night's World's Best Garbage Fights? Bet it looks pretty sweet on that new screen. JIMMY Yeah, yeah, I saw it. Yeah, it's like the trash is in the room with you. ROD Aw, I missed it. Which episode was it? JIMMY I said I saw it, Rod! Break's over! RAY Oh, hey, Dylan. About the whole teen group thing, I was thinking if I wore softer, more inviting clothes, I'd get more touches. Can you tell this is Mom's? DYLAN No. Ray, about the group. They seem to get a lot from it. I don't feel right taking advantage of them. RAY That's very noble of you, Dylan. Ooh, that puts your wardrobe on the table. Whatcha got soft pants-wise? DYLAN You're not listening. It's over. You're not going back either. RAY The heck I'm not. I don't know where you suddenly got a conscience but this is working. I'm going back. DYLAN I don't expect you to get it, Ray, but I'm strong, and it's my job to look out for the weak. It's over. RAY Look out for me. I'm wearing Mom's sweater so some girl will touch my arm. What could be more weak? MAYA Oh, thanks for coming over, Corey. COREY No, thank you. I'm grateful to have as much time with my mentor as possible. I already did everything you told me to last time. MAYA Yeah, very cool, very cool. Yeah. Uh, but now, if you could just undo it all. COREY Wait. What? MAYA Tell Owen that JJ's not a comedian. And don't manufacture victories for him. COREY So don't bribe kids to come to his party? MAYA No. They'll come on their own. And the ones that don't, you don't want them there anyway. We'll be there. COREY I bet you’re right. I mean, the whole write a letter and pretend to be FDR thing was obviously dumb. Owen saw through it right away. MAYA "Bra-freaking-vo." COREY But everything else? MAYA No, just no lies. COREY And I shouldn't tell him that the Lakers want to come to his party but they all got sick? MAYA It was real when it happened to you, actually. JJ STUDENTS MAUDE Let's take a seat. DYLAN I told you not to come back here, Ray. RAY You came here to stop me? DYLAN Let's go. RAY I'm staying. I am this close to finding out Tara's last name. Oh, I forgot to think of something to share. Uh, a disease, parents' divorce, motorcycle accident. I'm on fire. Maybe I was on fire. MAUDE Okay. Who'd like to kick us off? RAY You found it. DYLAN Which piece should I rip off first? RAY I'll see you in upside down 7-7-3-4. My parents got a divorce because of my disease and I have a motorcycle. DYLAN Liar. His parents are not divorced, he can barely ride a bicycle, and the only reason he came here was to meet you girls, please explain to me why, are truly all hot? RAY Her parents aren't dead. I've seen them and they are beautiful. MAUDE Please go. And don't come back. And a lot of them came from the same modeling school. RAY What school? What school? MAYA Sounds like a rocking party. KENNETH Omar, get over here. Bring the crew. COREY Thanks for coming! MAYA Are we early? Where is everyone? COREY Started an hour ago. Nobody came. This is a huge disaster. KENNETH Why are you blasting music? COREY So Owen won't notice there's nobody here. What do I do? Owen's going to see this at some point. MAYA Do you mean he's not here yet? Well great, that means we've got time. COREY Not really! MAYA Oh no. OWEN Okay, who's ready for some comedy? Drumroll, please! MAYA Sure is a good thing we were honest. KENNETH Omar. Dude, turn around. RAY Unbelievable. I was surrounded by a group of beautiful girls giving me a shot, and you had to ruin it. I ruin it. DYLAN Well, I told you not to go back there. RAY Look, you've done a lot to me over the years, Dylan. I've had a lot of ice cream cones slapped out of my hands, been lured into a lot of pits, but to follow me there just to sabotage me- DYLAN I didn't go there for you. I went for me. I wanted to talk about my feelings. RAY You have feelings? DYLAN Yeah, they started coming in about a year ago. I hate it. Everything is changing. I'm fresh out of baby teeth and I feel stuff. I could've really used that group, Ray. I wanted to have one of those breakthrough things but you took that from me. And you couldn't even wait until the pizza came. I’m starving! OWEN And now the act you've been waiting for. Owen with musical guest Sia. COREY I never promised a musical guest. I have no idea where he got that. MAYA Hooray! COREY Yay! KENNETH Yay. OWEN Where is everyone? KENNETH "It's just us. I'm sorry but it's not all bad. I came." OWEN But you don't go to my school. KENNETH "But I am a famous comedian." OWEN You're a famous comedian. But I've never heard of you. How is that possible? KENNETH "That's what I'm saying. It's all possible." OWEN But, like, this specifically. Say one of your jokes. KENNETH "No." MAYA H-His jokes are a bit dirty for kids. COREY Nah, go ahead. He's heard everything. OWEN This makes no sense. COREY What should I do? Should I turn off the Cajun music? MAYA I mean, I don't- I mean, yes. But I don't. JIMMY Huh? Think you're better than me, Big TV? RAY I think I really messed up with Dylan. Is there a one sentence explanation for what's happening here? JIMMY Big TV thinks it's better than me, so I'm proving I'm better by doing push-ups, which Big TV can't do because it doesn't have arms! RAY Dad, do you ever seek out the help of others to work through your issues? JIMMY No, I'm good. RAY Dylan, I'm taking you back. You know, Dr. Phil says, "No one can make you feel inferior without your permission." JIMMY Dr. Phil. Huh. I remember him from Old TV. You're right. I lost the second I tried to compete with Big TV. Well, it's time to take back control. RAY Sounds like a good idea. Uh, maybe just bring it back. JIMMY Yeah, that seems more reasonable. Okay. MAUDE You're back. RAY She is. Please let her stay. I was the one pushing the lies and I'm leaving. I'm not even going to ask out Tara before I go. TARA I mean, I wouldn't have said yes. RAY Doesn't matter. Point is, I respect the group. TARA Okay. But I wouldn't have. RAY Guess we'll never know. Dylan could really use this. What do you say? MAUDE I appreciate your honesty. But given what's happened, I think it would be best if you found support elsewhere. DYLAN I hope I can. It was just nice to see that someone cared enough to listen. I guess being a sibling of someone with a disability makes me feel like my problems don't matter. Whoa. Breakthrough. MAUDE Well, you two take care. DYLAN Also, I'm the youngest, so two people have already gone through whatever I'm dealing with. It's not important. But it is. It's mine. All right. Two! MAUDE Okay then. RAY Of course you matter. You're the baby. Imagine being the middle one. I'm never the priority so I cook up romantic schemes because I don't think I deserve love just being me. Whoa, I didn't even want one. Cool! MAUDE I really need to ask you to leave. DYLAN Yeah. I think I'm good. You, Ray? RAY Totally. Yeah, I'm comfortable changing emotional gears abruptly due to my chaotic upbringing. Bam, breakthrough. MAUDE Thank you! DYLAN We're also kind of obsessed with. RAY having the last word. Breakthrough jinx! DYLAN having the last word. Breakthrough jinx! MAYA Well, we just wanted to say good-bye. We've done enough. This party really seems like it's about to pop off. COREY Sure. KENNETH "I'm not a mentor and I have nothing wise to say but you seem like a good kid. I think things will get better." OWEN So now you're not a comedian, you're a fortune teller. MAYA Listen, bub. He didn't even want to be a mentor. He- I'm cool, I'm cool, yeah. OWEN Will things get better? KENNETH "They did for me. I made real friends. I'm graduating, going to college and I'm making films, which is my passion." MAYA Why lie? Real stuff is so good. KENNETH We raised him right. MAYA You just got here. OWEN Can I call you sometime? KENNETH "I'm not great on the phone, but yeah. Let's get together." COREY Can I not call you? Ever? MAYA Yeah, I'd like that. JIMMY I guess this is it, Big TV. You might be right for someone, but. You're not right for me. No, Old TV does not have nine HDMI ports. RAY Dad. JIMMY Yeah, sorry. Sorry. Thank you. But it was it was such a nice box. RAY There will be other boxes. Come on. ROD Free TV? Wow. I'm going to have to rearrange my whole living room for this baby.