BOTH DAUGHTER DR_MILLER DYLAN IZZY JIMMY JJ JOYCE KENNETH MADISON MAYA MOTHER_1 MOTHER_2 MR_POWERS PEOPLE PROFESSOR_MILLER RAY STUDENTS DR MILLER Attention, ladies and ladies. Welcome to the 34th Annual Lafayette Mother-Daughter Tea. PROFESSOR MILLER 35th, isn't it? DR MILLER I run the school, mother. PROFESSOR MILLER Professor Miller. DR MILLER Oh, put it away! 35th and final! Drink up! MAYA Well, this is delightful. So many strong, beautiful women. All calling each other the B-word. MOTHER 1 You will know when I'm mad at you! DAUGHTER This is a normal skirt! MOTHER 2 Well, your grandmother is a liar! MAYA I just love that we have the perfect relationship, and that Jimmy is going to bail us out soon with a pretend JJ emergency. PROFESSOR MILLER Shoulders back. You can do it. DR MILLER Mother, stop it. DYLAN Care to visit the photo booth, mother? MAYA We are so connected. DYLAN Have we ever fought? MAYA Well, I think I'd remember. I mean, you and me? It would be total Armageddon. DYLAN Right. You're lucky you have such a cool daughter. MAYA Well, you're cool 'cause I'm cool. DYLAN What does that mean? MAYA Just that you're a mini-Maya. We get along because you're me, and I love me. JIMMY Maya! Where are you? It's JJ! I left him alone in a hot air balloon for one second, and now he's gone! Come one. MAYA Not again! RAY So, what do we do? STUDENTS MR POWERS Wow. What will they do, indeed? I know what we'll do A Q&A with the creators of Late August Rain. Let's give it up for them and also my segue. STUDENTS MR POWERS The first question is for our director. You capture your lead, Izzy, with such love in long, lingering shots. Tell me, what drove that decision? RAY "I didn't linger-" MR POWERS Sorry. Can we pull up the lingering shots? I mean, come on. RAY I also have a question. Were you planning on swooping in and date Izzy? Even though we cast her so that I could date her? IZZY Oh, and a follow up. Won't I think you're a creep when I find that out? MR POWERS Hey, look how long the creep lingers in this shot. RAY "I'm not a creep. I don't like her!" MR POWERS Really? You can't lie to a Minotaur. MR POWERS You can't lie to a Minotaur. You can't lie to a Minotaur. You can't lie to a Minotaur. You can't lie to a Minotaur. You can’t lie to a Minotaur. IZZY Awesome movie, JJ. Uh, wait, is it a weird thing to say when I'm in a movie? JJ IZZY So, when are we talking about that sequel? "What are you doing not?" Nothing. RAY Oh. Then you're free for coffee? IZZY Sure. Um, talk later, JJ? Okay. RAY Nice work, getting her to admit she was free. DYLAN Hey, Ray? RAY Ah! How long have you been there? DYLAN To answer the question behind your question I heard you fart, let's move past it. How would you describe me? RAY That's a tough question. You're a complex person with dozens of- DYLAN Am I a mini-Maya? RAY Oh, yeah, that nails it. DYLAN What? RAY It's not bad. We all have dynamics with Mom. JJ can do no wrong. Mom and I have our Sam and Diane, “will they or won't they” thing. And you and Mom are peas in an angry pod. DYLAN I don't want that. I'm my own pea. RAY It's just your dynamic, and if I were you, I wouldn't mess with it. Oh, no. Now I know you're gonna mess with the dynamic, because that's what Mom would do. DYLAN No. I'm gonna mess with the dynamic because that's what Dylan would do! KENNETH "What do you do when you have a forbidden crush?" Wait. Dude, you have a crush! On who? Spell faster. "Forbidden crush. I don't want the others to know." JIMMY Who has a forbidden crush? KENNETH Jj! DYLAN Jj what? JIMMY Has a forbidden crush. MAYA A forbidden crush, you say? DYLAN Jj has one. MAYA On who? KENNETH Well, he hasn't said. RAY Who hasn't said? MAYA JJ hasn't said his forbidden crush. JIMMY Ah, it's like we're on The West Wing. KENNETH "I like a girl, but a guy I'm close to liked her first." RAY Ugh, is this a “bro code” thing? As a man who's been unlucky in love, I've developed an approach I like to call "Mean Don Juan." Anything goes. In the game of love, there are no friends, only winners whose hearts doth intertwine. DYLAN Weird energy to this whole speech. KENNETH "You know what, I didn't want this to be a whole thing. I'm good." JIMMY He's good? Who's good? Damn it, we lost it. KENNETH Wait. Uh, Melanie's busy tomorrow night. You want to go out? JIMMY Yeah! We always talk about a guy-hang, and things always fall through. KENNETH We're two busy fellas. JIMMY Eh. KENNETH So, I thought that we could check out the turtle races at McSmerling's Pub. JIMMY I'm in, baby! KENNETH You heard of that? JIMMY No, but I'm a dad. I will go anywhere. I didn't even hear what you just invited me to. RAY Last word on it do what you need to do to be with this girl. Who cares about this other, loser guy? Crush him. "The girl I like is Izzy." Oh. Oh. Okay. Well, she's setting up the Valentine's Day dance. I was gonna go help and make a move. You should go. "What about Mean Don Juan?" I'm not gonna fight you. You're my brother. "You sued me for taking your phone." I sat down with a lawyer to discuss my options! "Why won't you compete with me?" There’s no one reason. RAY It's because he's in a wheelchair! JIMMY Is he? But he talks, right? RAY I can't get in the way of JJ and a girl. I fall in love five times a day! I just noticed that curvy lamp for the first time. I love her! JIMMY Look, I'm sure this all goes away unless you made a big deal about being a Mean Don Juan in a competitive love situation. RAY I can't tell if you're being sarcastic, but I did do that. Now I can't back down, and I'm gonna break his heart. Where did you buy that lamp? JIMMY Okay, Ray. I'm gonna put this as gently as possible. You're worried that you're going to get the girl? RAY Yeah. JIMMY And would you say, historically- no judgment- that winning the girl is something you, Ray, cannot avoid? RAY You're right. If I just do what I normally do, no way things work out. Thanks, Dad! Guess I'm off to, uh, be me. JIMMY Okay. JOYCE There we go. JIMMY Hey, Kenneth. I'm on my way out the door. KENNETH Dude, you're gonna hate me, but Melanie's schedule freed up, and she wants to come to the turtle races tonight. Mind if I take a rain check? I know your heart was set on this. JIMMY No. No, it wasn't. That's-that's fine. You two have fun. Uh. KENNETH Oh, no, that's not what you're gonna hate. See, Joyce told me about this place. She's here all the time. Now I can't have her coming and causing a scene with Melanie. You think you can you stall her a few hours? JIMMY You want me to hang out with Joyce? JOYCE Oh I have to keep my marble collection with me or my roommate will steal it. JIMMY No. Take Melanie someplace else. KENNETH Thanks a lot, buddy. JIMMY Hey— JOYCE Okay. Well, I will see you all next week. JIMMY Here. Let me get the door for you. JOYCE Oh. JIMMY Ow, my back! Yeah, can you take a look at this? JOYCE Do I ask you to make me shoes on a Sunday? JIMMY You think I'm a cobbler? JOYCE My gift, my curse. MAYA Have you seen this? The school is considering a ban on straws based on some environmental measure. I mean, JJ can't drink without a straw. This is war. Ray, think of puns based on the word "suck." Dylan, top them. DYLAN I can't, because I am for the straw ban. MAYA No, you're not. DYLAN Oh, yes, I am. They make some good points. MAYA Name one. DYLAN Make me. RAY Dad, what's happening? JIMMY I don't know, son. No eye contact. MAYA Don't take that teen daughter tone with me. DYLAN What's the matter? Are you afraid of a little Mageddon? MAYA What? DYLAN "Our Mageddon." The one you talked about if we ever fought? 'Cause, lady, this ain't just my Mageddon. JOYCE What does she think a "Mageddon" is? MAYA This would be an attack on our family, Dylan. Say you won't support it. DYLAN I just signed the online petition. MAYA Then you are grounded for a thousand years. JIMMY We have grounding power? STUDENTS IZZY I think this is good. RAY "Your turn, Mean Don Juan. Do your worst." Oh, I plan to. Izzy! What's up, girl? IZZY Ray. I'm glad you're here. There are less people than I expected. RAY Uh-uh-uh. Fewer people, ma cherie. IZZY Thank you for correcting my grammar. That was helpful. Do you want to give me a hand with this? RAY Uh. First, do you want to hear my take on what modern feminism gets wrong? IZZY That could be interesting. I'll go grab us some drinks. RAY What is happening? JIMMY MAYA This ends now! You are grounded until you take your name off that straw ban! DYLAN You can't ground what you can't catch. MAYA A-ha! That was a practice “a-ha!” Dylan! JIMMY Maybe we should go. Is car physical therapy a thing? JOYCE It is for twice my rate. JIMMY Sold. MAYA You did not leave this house! DYLAN I am this house. MAYA She's in the walls. She's in the walls. I'm gonna go and get a sledgehammer! JIMMY Okay, well, good luck, guys. Love you. DYLAN Shh. JOYCE She's fun. RAY So I just decided I'm a weird kisser, and I'm never gonna change. RAY Amazing, right? No bicep. The doctors don't know how I bend it. RAY Your jeans don't fit. IZZY Okay, that's it. RAY Thank you! IZZY I've tried to be nice because JJ kept going on about how amazing you are and how we'd be great together, but I don't see it at all. RAY Jj was talking me up? Why? IZZY If you find out, tell me. Wait, actually, have someone else tell me. JIMMY Joyce, how do I put this? JOYCE How can I afford an Aston Martin? JIMMY Yeah. JOYCE A client gave it to me as a tip. The feds keep trying to take it, but I'm like, “Hey, I'm not in the Hungarian Mafia.” Oh, Kenneth. I got to prank him. JIMMY Hey, that's my- JOYCE Hey, K-Dawg, what's up? JIMMY I do not sound like that. KENNETH Jimmy, thank God I caught you. JIMMY Kenneth, don't say anything. KENNETH Melanie can't make it for two more hours. Can you keep stalling Joyce? JOYCE Oh. Yeah, I'll do my best, but boy, if she ever figures this out, there is no place on earth you can hide. KENNETH You got that right, Jimbo! DYLAN I'm grounded when I say I'm grounded. MAYA Predictable. I drilled it shut. DYLAN I thought you might. MAYA And I thought you might have thought I might. Drop the straw ban, Dylan. You can't win. Because you and I share a mind, if I want to know what you'll do I just think, "what would I do?" BOTH Lucky guess. RAY You talked me up to Izzy? Why would you want someone you like to go out with me? MADISON Right? RAY You've made your opinion on me quite clear. Now good day, Madison. So? "I'd rather she choose you than turn me down." You're afraid of a little rejection? I've been rejected by every girl in this room. "That's different. You get rejected because of your bad, weird choices." Big true, big true. "I will get rejected for the same reason I always do, and she won't even say it. She'll make up some dumb excuse. It's worse than the ‘no.’" Maybe Izzy’s different. Try. JIMMY I am so, so sorry. JOYCE It's not you. I'm mad he put you in this position We are just a couple of booty calls. Mm-hmm. JIMMY I don't want to disagree with you because you're terrifying, but I am not Kenneth's booty call. JOYCE Does he ever take you out into public? JIMMY No. We make plans. We're just two busy fellas. JOYCE Hmm. Mm-hmm. Which of these two busy fellas cancels the plans? JIMMY Uh, well, one time Kenneth was sick. One time Kenneth had to take his aunt to the airport. Uh, one time Kenneth said he was stuck in an elevator, but then I saw someone who looked exactly like him on one of those eight-person bicycles. JOYCE So really, "two busy fellas" is one busy fella and. JIMMY I'm Kenneth's booty call. IZZY Oh, JJ. Look, I tried, but I told Ray it isn't going to work. Is he okay? "He's fine. Rejection rolls off him." No, I mean in the larger sense. Is he okay? Um, while I've got you here, can you tell me if you think something's romantic? IZZY "Isn't this just the Halloween maze?" You could still tell, huh? I blew most of the decorations in one spot. At least you can't tell it's an axe murderer anymore. "Look, Izzy, about before. I was afraid so I pushed you toward Ray, but I like you. I think you might like me. Would you go out with me?" You're really nice, JJ. It's just. I have this boyfriend from out of town, and "It's okay, really." Okay. Uh, thanks, JJ. JJ IZZY This is a really good maze. MAYA Looking to ruin these? Fire extinguisher is also empty. DYLAN Fine, you know me, but that doesn't make me you. You don't even know how lucky you have it. I-I don't complain about anything. My phone is your piece of crap from ten years ago. What the heck is AT&B? Plus, I have to share a room with JJ and Ray. Every night is disgusting. MAYA Well, I don't want to hear about it. DYLAN Ray tries on all of his outfits for the next day and makes us watch him walk in them. MAYA I'm not listening. Not listening. DYLAN Why do I even bother? I'm out of here. MAYA Okay. But you can't escape, 'cause wherever you go, you'll be me and I'll be there. DYLAN Not without a car you won't. MAYA What? Where are you going? Wait, no, no. Come back. DYLAN Smell you later. Smell you now? PEOPLE KENNETH Yeah! Yeah! Ah! Joyce! So good to see you. JOYCE Kenneth Clements, you never even told me good-bye. You didn't have the guts to do it. And for that, I will announce to this crowded bar your social security number. 0-9-6 KENNETH I'm sorry, Joyce. You deserved a good-bye. What we had was special. It burned brightly, and now it is a memory. One that I'll cherish. Good-bye, Joyce. JOYCE Oh, Kenneth. You know what apologies do to my body, but I understand. Farewell, Kenneth. JIMMY That's it?! I didn't cower in the parking lot and sneak in behind you to see that. Apologize to her. You played with her heart and you toyed with her feelings. JOYCE No, I just wanted the good-bye. It wasn't really a feelings thing. KENNETH Yeah. She made it really clear about that. JOYCE Yes, I did. But did he play with your heart and toy with your feelings? JIMMY Pfft, no. Please. KENNETH Jimmy, you care. JIMMY JOYCE I think you boys have some things to talk about, so I'll leave you to it. KENNETH Uh, Joyce, how did you know my social security number? JOYCE Good-bye, Kenneth. MAYA Well, here's another difference between us. I've never driven a van through the garage. This garage. DYLAN What did I do? This is what I get for asking for what I want. MAYA Why can't you ask me for what you want? DYLAN Look what happened! No, I should just keep my head down and be quiet. I'll go figure out how to take my name off the straw petition. MAYA Ugh, this is all my Mageddon. RAY This is how we avoid a love triangle next time. I keep records of every girl from, school who's ever rejected me. Likes, dislikes, allergies. Go nuts. Oh, except for with Alisha B. Big peanut allergy. I'm sorry she said no, and that she wasn't straight with you about why. And I'm really sorry I wasn't straight with you, either. I didn't want to compete with you but was too chicken to tell you why. "Call if even if you find a hot girl to be straight with me." Yeah. Me? I like to see what they come up with. This girl told me that if she didn't date until she was 30, a witch would give her her parents back. Creative, right? PEOPLE JIMMY Yeah, which one's ours? KENNETH I have no idea! Go! JIMMY Uh, when's Melanie getting here? KENNETH I canceled on Melanie. I thought I was just a guy who took care of your kid, but now that we're friends, there's gonna be a lot more of that. JIMMY Sounds nice, Kenneth. KENNETH My improv group meets tomorrow at 900 a.m. You can bring a friend. I will. Jazz brunch after that. Hey, I've been here drinking here. I think my friend's gonna have to drive me home. JIMMY Huh. Do I want to be your friend? KENNETH I don't know, man. I ask a lot. You'll see. IZZY Oh. Hey, JJ. And Ray. RAY "I wanted to say I'm sorry for being weird yesterday and for misreading your signals. I just hope we can still be friends." IZZY Of course we can, JJ. Um. Ray, can you give us a minute? RAY Hey, I'll give you two. No charge. Okay, bye. IZZY You didn't misread any signals. I do like you. I just. Your disability kind of freaks me out. "Did Ray tell you to say that?" What? No. No, no, no, no. I mean, I could see why you'd think that, because it's weird and it's wrong and. "It's perfect. Keep going." I don't know what dating you looks like, with the chair and the board, and will you be offended if I accidentally take you to an inaccessible place? And what if we break up? Am I the jerk who dumped a guy in a wheelchair? And will your brother always be around? RAY Sorry, again. IZZY "We can take it one date at a time and put a bell on Ray." In that case, yes. I would love to go on a date with you. RAY Yes! What? I love love. Do you have any single friends? MAYA Dylan, I have something for you. This is long overdue. DYLAN This looks like an even older phone. MAYA Here. Press it. It's your own room. Well, half a room. DYLAN Seriously? MAYA Yeah. The insurance company gave us a new door, but they didn't say where we had to put it. DYLAN I've never looked up at a ceiling before, just Ray's butt through a mattress. I think I prefer this. MAYA Listen, darling. I'm sorry that you felt you had to be like me in order to be loved by me. You know, I only pushed back because I didn't want to let go of what we have. DYLAN Fight again soon? MAYA It would be my pleasure. DYLAN Good. Now get out of my room. MAYA Oh. DYLAN Just trying it out. Teenage girls, we’re ridiculous. MAYA Um. Bye, then.