ALAN ALL BILL BOTH CRAIG CRAIG_AND_EDIE EDIE ERIC FITCH GIRL JEFF LARRY NADIA SCOTT SECURITY_GUARD SHIRLEY SINGER STUDENTS TEACHER TODD ZORN ZORN_SINGING ZORN Hmm. Huh. Hyah! Yes! Nothing but cart! CRAIG Hey, Zorn, we got you a new shower curtain. EDIE And a comforter for your guest bed. ZORN Aw, come on, who needs a comforter? If we get cold, we'll start an apartment fire. EDIE If we're gonna let Alan stay with you for the whole weekend, you have to let us turn your place into something a little less... CRAIG Horrible. ZORN Yeah, I think I know how to look out for the welfare of my child. EDIE Vodka and chainsaws? ZORN Yeah, that's right. Father and son warrior weekend! Weekend, weekend, weekend... What? ALAN Hey, Mom. Can I get these? CRAIG Skateboarding? Come on. You want to do something extreme, I'll take you hiking. I saw a snake once. ALAN Come on. EDIE Okay. But you have to get a helmet and pads. ALAN What? ZORN A helmet, Edie? Come on. You might as well make the kid skateboard in a diaper. Hey! No helmets at my place this weekend, buddy. It's gonna be anarchy! We're gonna crack all the skulls we want! EDIE Zorn. ZORN What? EDIE I know you want Alan to think you're cool and fun, but you can't be his father and his friend. ZORN Yeah, you're right, you're right. I should stop being his father. EDIE I'm saying, if Alan were to end up hurt or arrested, he will never be allowed at your house again, ever. ZORN Okay, okay, fine, fine, fine, fine, I'll be the king of safety. Now, if you'll excuse me. Whoo... Oh, my head. So glad I didn't wear a helmet. ZORN Okay, Internet, just tell me how to be safe with my teenage son. "Abstinence"? Well, I think Alangulon's got that covered already. Got 'em. I do love him, though. Ah, now I feel bad. You know what? I'm gonna tell him I said that. That'll make me feel better. ALAN My dad is so lame. SCOTT No, dude, your dad's awesome. ALAN STUDENTS GIRL So cool. SCOTT Looks like your new best friend Jeff is back from suspension. ALAN He's not my best friend, we just hang out in study hall. SCOTT I think he's bad news, man. ALAN No, he's cool. He's like... a walking middle finger to adults. SCOTT That's not cool. What? ALAN JEFF Yo, son of Zorn, what up? ALAN Yo, what is up? What is up? I don't care what's up. I'm down for whatevers. Uh, so what are you guys doing this weekend, huh? You just gonna, like, vape up ho-style? JEFF We were gonna drink some brews at Nadia's, but her mom got out of the hospital early, so that sucks. ALAN Oh, lame mom. JEFF Totally, what are you doing? SCOTT He's got a sleepover at his dad's this weekend, right, yeah? ALAN Oh, you know, it's like... gonna be like a crazy... super party sleepover, not a sleepover, more like-- 'cause we're not gonna be sleeping! We're gonna be "Ah, party, party... party. Ah, rage on." So you guys should just roll on by, roll up in that... house party. It's an apartment, but you should roll up in. JEFF Totally. Shoot me the address. ALAN Yeah, I'm gonna text you that address, with a text. And it's gonna... TEACHER Mr. Holstein. What did I tell you about sitting on the lab tables? JEFF I don't know, what'd I tell you about bumping into me at the mall with your weird kid? STUDENTS TEACHER Principal's office. Now. JEFF Why you got to ride my nuts? STUDENTS ZORN Yeah, let's see what Alangulon's hilarious response to my invite is. I hope he says no, but then, in the comments writes "Psych, I love you so much, Dad." ZORN Let's see, uh... okay, he opened it, but no reply. Hmm. "For a good time, call Eric." ERIC Hello? ZORN Oh, hey, Eric? Hi, this is Zorn. Uh, I got your number off the bathroom wall here. Evidently, you seem to be a good time expert, is that correct? ERIC ZORN Well, I'm just looking for something to do with my 17-year-old. Ew, no! No, I'm not gonna do that with my son. ERIC Why? ZORN Because laser tag is dumb. ZORN I... it's just that my son and I are still having trouble connecting. So I-I really need this weekend to be kick-ass. ZORN Oh! Nothing but the bottom of the can! I mean, you get it, yeah? You're the world's greatest dad, you know what I'm saying. ZORN I just wish my ex would get off my back with all her lame-ass rules. You know, she's got a curfew, there's no alcohol, no instruments of chaos. Todd! Help me out here. TODD I'm actually a divorced dad, too. ZORN Wow, they let you keep the mug. TODD The first weekend I watched my kid, uh, I let her ride her bike without a-a helmet. I had to take her to the ER. ZORN Hmm. TODD After that, my wife refused to let me watch Amanda alone. It's... it's been hard. It's been really hard. ZORN Gonna be honest with you, Todd, you may be the world's greatest dad, but you are not the world's greatest storyteller. CRAIG Ooh! Three meatballs on a spoon. Make a wish. EDIE I wish you'd stop eating soup. That's your third bowl. I'm making dinner. CRAIG Edie, when I'm on my death bed, do you think I'm gonna look back and go, "Oh, I wish I'd have had less soup?" I don't think so. ALAN Yo, ready to go to Dad's. EDIE Wow, you seem excited. ALAN Yeah, I'm looking forward to it. Hanging out, Dad and I. Maybe get to know each other kind of thing. EDIE So, don't forget you have that planetary science paper due Monday. ALAN I know. EDIE And just because you're staying at your dad's, it doesn't mean the rules are different. ALAN I know, Mom, God. Why you got to ride my nuts? EDIE What? CRAIG Oh, my. EDIE "Ride my nuts?" Where did you hear that? ALAN Ch... from a friend. CRAIG That doesn't sound like Scott. ALAN Well, I have other friends. EDIE Like who? ALAN I don't know. Jeff. CRAIG Jeff Holstein? EDIE The kid who pulled down the grief counselor's pants? ALAN That was hilarious. CRAIG I've been pantsed. I've been pantsed many times. And it is not hilarious. EDIE Well, I don't like you hanging out with him. ALAN Whatever, I guess I'm just gonna wait in the car. EDIE See, this is what worries me. He doesn't realize he's still a kid. He needs rules. I just hope Zorn gets that. CRAIG Just relax, look, this is gonna be a great weekend. EDIE CRAIG Promise me you're gonna have a good time with the Pattersons tonight. Hmm? EDIE Okay, I promise. CRAIG Good. EDIE I just hope Bill doesn't tell that boring story about Queen Latifah again. CRAIG Hey, let's not ride Bill Patterson's nuts too, okay? ZORN You ready for a kick-ass weekend? Are you psyched? ALAN Oh, I'm psyched. ZORN You're psyched, right? ALAN I'm psyched. ZORN Oh, you're so psyched. ALAN It's gonna be total anarchy. ZORN Uh... yeah, yeah, sure. ALAN Right? ZORN Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Anarchy. Yeah, oh, yeah. Well, I know last time it wasn't so great, but welcome to Casa del Zorn 2.0. Hey, uh, you see the swim flippers? And the, uh, couch there? Those are new. And, uh... Oh, best dad in the world. Also here. Part of the tour. And, uh, oh. Refrigerator. Now, I know what you're thinking, that's a butt-load of hummus, but where's the pita? Well, I forgot to buy it. ALAN Hey, I'll take one of those cold beer cans. ZORN Hmm. ALAN Uno cerveza, por favor? "One beer for me" in Spanish. ZORN A beer? No, come on, no. Y-you don't want a beer. No, beer makes your... your hands cold. Brr. Hey, but don't worry. We've got... milk, milk, milk, milk... ALAN Hey, what's that thing? ZORN Oh, this baby? Oh, this is a lava launcher. Here, check it out. Oh, watch out. Yeah, I mean, lately I've just been using it to defrost meat. Or fish sometimes, when I'm thinking about the ole cholesterol. ALAN So that thing could do some pretty serious damage. ZORN Oh, hell yeah. No, this thing will melt your face right off! ALAN ZORN Yeah! So, I-I probably shouldn't leave it lying around like this. Uh, so, uh... well... put that there. And, um... and there. Over here. Here, smooth that out a little bit. And for good measure. All right, there we go. All gone. ALAN So that's the tour, huh? ZORN Oh, not quite. ZORN Ta-da! ALAN ZORN Check it out. Got you a sick place right here to draw up battle plans, or, uh, compose war ballads about me, or, or, maybe even do your homework. ALAN Oh, okay, these are Mom's rules. ZORN Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, no, these-- yeah, these are your mom's rules, yeah. But, but the most important rule, and boy did she stress this, is that we got to have fun. Hey, this almost feels like a real room, right? It's crazy to think that the previous tenant died under a mountain of Lane Bryant catalogs in here. ZORN This is an absolute blow-out. I don't even want to think what must be going through his opponent's head right now. ALAN Ow. ZORN Hit 'em with the Hein! Double touchdown. ALAN ZORN That's what I'm talking about. And that's cool with me 'cause that lamp sucked. Your mom made me get that lamp. Not really my style, I'm more of a torch guy. ZORN Oh, what's up, you getting ready to do a halftime show for me? ALAN No, I'm just really beat. I'm gonna go to the room. ZORN Hey, hey, I, you know, I-I just hope all these rules aren't harshin' your mellow. ALAN They're just mellowing my mellow. You know you said this weekend was gonna be total anarchy. I thought we'd be like raging, and chugging, and blasting. But instead it's just been, like, sitting. I'm just gonna go watch some Ferrari poster. ALAN Oh, man. "Sorry, Jeff. Can't hang, feeling sick. Think I over-vaped." That's stupid. ZORN Hey, buddy, listen, I, you know, I was just thinking out here, maybe, uh, maybe we could ease up a little bit on your mom's rules. ALAN Really? ZORN ALAN Want to just toss me one of those, uh, beer can guys? ZORN Oh, no, no, no! Sorry, I'm, I'm drinking both of these. ALL BILL Nice. Did I ever tell you about the time when, uh, Queen Latifah gave me a high-five? CRAIG Oh... SHIRLEY This is good. BILL Yes. Well, as you know, before I was a doctor, CRAIG Hmm. BILL I was a production assistant on Living Single. EDIE Oh. SHIRLEY Edie? CRAIG Hey. BILL Oh, oh! CRAIG Edie! SHIRLEY Edie! CRAIG Oh, my God. SHIRLEY Oh my-- Bill. BILL Calm down, everyone. ALL SHIRLEY Edie? CRAIG Are you okay? SHIRLEY Edie. BILL She doesn't have a pulse. CRAIG Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God! SHIRLEY God, okay. CRAIG I'm gonna get someone here. BILL I'm gonna start CPR. CRAIG Okay. BILL Oh. EDIE Billy Patterson? I do declare. BILL What the hell? CRAIG Hey, Bill, look. CRAIG AND EDIE EDIE The look on your face, Bill! BILL What just happened? CRAIG Oh. Oh, you were just like, "Oh, my Lord, my dear friend is no longer living." BILL Wait, w-what just happened? She was clinically dead. EDIE Well, I can kind of stop my heart for a couple minutes. It's just a fun little trick I learned at Zephyria. CRAIG SHIRLEY Why would anyone ever need to learn that? EDIE My ex-husband taught me how to do it in case our fortress was sacked. BILL Oh. SHIRLEY So they'd leave you for dead? EDIE Oh, there was this one time when Zorn needed a power crystal that these corpse-eating beetles were guarding. And of course I didn't want to be the bait, but he kept pressuring me and pressuring me... and pressuring me and... EDIE Hey, Zorn, it's me. I know I didn't mention it before, but do not teach Alan how to stop his heart. I was obviously able to pick it up, but remember, Colleen died. CRAIG Edie? EDIE Uh, I've got to go, that's it. Bye. CRAIG Hey. What are you doing in here? Shirley is pounding the good wine. EDIE Oh. I just came in to get some lip balm. CRAIG Lip balm? Sweetie, you know how addictive lip balm is. What the hell, let me have some. Mm. Yeah, that's good balm. Mm, yeah, I like that. EDIE Okay, that's... that's good. Honey, honey, honey... CRAIG What? ALAN Hey, so it's cool if I have friends over still, right? ZORN Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No problem. ZORN I mean, as long as they're not total wads. Hey, sorry, Eric. Yeah, my kid's having friends over. I'm in a little bit of a pickle, though. I mean, I want to impress these teens, but I also need to obey Edie's rules, you know? ERIC I don't know if you're trying to be funny by calling me again, I just don't appreciate... ZORN Hey, that's a good idea. Comedy is a universal language, yeah. You know what? You're the best bathroom guy I've ever called. ALAN P-chaw! Oh, Jeff, yo, what's up? JEFF What's up, Guns? ALAN Nice shirt, yeah. I'm just... different way. JEFF You guys know Son of Zorn? ALAN Yeah. BOTH No. ALAN No. Yeah, no... Ya know... uh... JEFF Whoa, that's a lot of hummus. FITCH Hummus sucks! ALAN Yeah, hummus sucks! Probably some dumb chick left it over here. If you want to get up on some beer and get it in your mouths? ZORN Hey, did someone order a party elf? Hi, I am Dingle, from the Elvin land of Huff. I have traveled from afar to fulfill all your sexual desires. That's just what party elves say. I'm not actually gonna do that last thing. Hey, what's up, dudes? I'm Zorn, Alangulon's dad. I'm sure he's already told you how bonkers I am. Hyah! ALAN What the hell? ZORN What? He looked! You looked, right? Come on, don't you guys have that game here? It's huge in Zephyria. ALAN Okay, you just assaulted a teenager. It's not cool! ZORN You know what? You're right, Alangulon. Not cool for an adult to do that to a kid, no. Hey, but you know what is cool? A little Blues Traveler, Live at Red Rocks, ha ha. NADIA Your dad's super weird. FITCH Yeah, super weird. ZORN Oh, oh! Found it, found it. Oh, yeah! You know, Alangulon, you were actually conceived to this song. JEFF Yeah, we're just gonna go. We're just gonna hit this skate spot and throw bricks at stuff. ALAN Oh, you know what? Uh, if you're gonna... gonna do some destruction, I probably have a thing that you might be into. SINGER ? Oh, once upon a midnight dreary ? ? I wo-- I wo-- I wo... ? ZORN Aw, damn it, come on! I... shouldn't have taken these CDs to the beach, I guess, is the lesson there, but then, what's the point of having 'em, right? Oh, oh, are we leaving? Okay. It's a little short notice, but I can be ready in five mementos, okay? I just got to rub some lotion on my strap rash. ALAN You know what? No, it's cool. We're just gonna go meet some friends at the hockey rink, and no one's bringing their dads. So you wouldn't have anyone to talk to about dad stuff or anything. ZORN Uh, yeah, but I mean, your curfew is in 20 minutes, so... ALAN What? Ha ha ha! Oh, "curfew." What? Remember how we said we're not gonna follow all of Mom's rules, right? ZORN Y-Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, okay. You get out of here, okay, and go have fun. Be safe, or not. Whatever. Who cares? Hey, if you die or get maimed, we'll just tell your mom you were already like that when you got here, right? CRAIG Thanks for coming. You guys drive safe. SHIRLEY Thanks for having us. CRAIG Now, tell me having those two over didn't help take your mind off of Alan and Zorn. EDIE No, it did. Thanks, sweetie. It was fun. CRAIG Yeah, good. CRAIG Hey, you know what else would be fun? EDIE What's that? CRAIG Having sex on this couch. We have the whole place to ourselves. EDIE Oh, I like "Three Chardonnays Craig." CRAIG Well, I love "Three Servings of Mashed Potatoes Edie." BOTH CRAIG Edie. EDIE Mm-hmm? CRAIG You're texting Alan right now, aren't you? EDIE No, I'm, um... I'm looking for a good couch sex song. CRAIG Alan is almost an adult. You can trust him. EDIE I know, I just can't stop thinking about Zorn. CRAIG Okay, well, whatever gets you there, baby. EDIE Craig! CRAIG I'm sorry. Okay, look... It's obvious you're not gonna be able to relax and have sex with me on this couch until we go and see for ourselves that he's okay. EDIE Thank you. I'll get the keys. CRAIG All right, but... couch check on the rain sex. Couch sex on the rain... I'm wasted! ZORN SINGING Let there be light! Good as new. And for that, you deserve a treat. ? Meat, meat, beautiful treat ? ? Eat it in bed, get it all over your sheets ? ? Sheet meat a beautiful treat ? ? Wake up in the morning fish the meat out your feet ? ? Feet meat a beautiful treat ? ? Da duh duh da... ? ZORN Now, just gotta get the lava launcher here. Um... What the hell? Pick up, pick up, pick up, come on. Ugh! Hey, uh, son, it's Dad again. It's just, um... I-I'm missing something. You know, no big deal, but starting to get nervous but, like, in a... in a very cool way. So if you get this, just, uh, holla back, girl! ZORN Lava... launcher... accidents. LARRY What's up, Larry Nation? This is Larry. I just got back from a trip to Zephyria... and I smuggled this bad boy through customs. Now, I'm gonna press this button right here, which looks like the "safety" button... ZORN Oh, you dumbass! You... Oh, wait. ZORN Eric, I'm freaking out over here. I tried being more permissive to make Alangulon happy, but now I'm worried he's gonna get killed by lava. I mean, why is it do hard to be a father and a friend? I just don... ERIC I don't know you. ZORN You're right, you're right. I'm sorry. I'm making this all about me again. No, go ahead, please. Tell me more about you. ERIC I'm an accountant. ZORN Wow, so you work in accounting. Where? ERIC At Sanitation Solutions. ZORN Oh, no way! I work at Sanitation Solutions, too. I mean, what are the odds that you would have your number on a bathroom wall, and I'm the guy calling it? Well, I should probably go find my kid. JEFF Oh, what's up? ALAN How you doing? Yeah. JEFF What up? ALAN Nighttime, yeah. JEFF All right, Son of Zorn... show 'em. Check this out. Check it out. ALAN All right. All right, there she blows. So what do you say we line up some cans and just let-- show 'em who-who's boss. ALL JEFF Let's melt some cars. ALAN What? Cars? Those have... Thos are, like, sup-- Those are people's cars. JEFF Yeah. ALAN Yeah, but if you do that, then, like, they won't be able to drive-- JEFF Who cares? ALAN I don't care. Yeah. That's a dumb one right there. I'm gonna... blast it a new one. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna shoot a car, all right? JEFF Weak. Why? ALAN I mean, what if one of those cars belonged to some other cool kids who don't care about anything? And then... we'd be hurting our own, then. JEFF Weak, man. Come on, just give it. ALAN No, come on, seriously. JEFF If we don't melt the cars, then they go unmelted. ALAN Yeah, exactly. JEFF You want that? ALAN Ah, ah, ah... Oh... FITCH Lava launchers suck! SECURITY GUARD What's going on back here? ALAN Uh, don't shoot! SECURITY GUARD With what, my flashlight? My Velcro wallet? I'm a security guard. But I am gonna call the police. ZORN Excuse me, sorry. Hi. No need for that, sir, I'm his father. SECURITY GUARD Oh, well, this pool of lava in my parking lot is all right, then. ZORN You are in a lot of trouble, young man. Now, go wait over there while I clear things up with this gentleman... Now! ALAN Yeah. ZORN Don't make me take my battle strap off, son. All right, buddy, how much is it gonna take for you to blame this on a meteor? SECURITY GUARD 500. ZORN How 'bout I give you $338? SECURITY GUARD 400, then. ZORN Oh, no, we're not bargaining. You think I would have offered you such a specific amount if it wasn't all the money I had on me right now? Come on. SECURITY GUARD All right, then, throw in that and we'll call it even. ZORN Well, since you wear a uniform, I guess I can trust you. SECURITY GUARD Take a picture. For my OkCupid account. Come and gat it, ladies. ZORN There you go, that's good. Okay, lift the gun a little bit higher. Now look a little sexier. SECURITY GUARD Yeah. ZORN Oh, that's good! ALAN Dad, I... ZORN Shut up! Thank God you're safe! I didn't know where you were. And I had this feeling I've never experienced before, where my heart was racing and my palms were sweating. I looked it up online and it said it was either fear or ovarian cysts. I just love you so much. You know, you're my little Alangatang. ALAN Yeah, uh, I'm sorry, Dad. You know, I just wanted those people to like me more, so... That goes away when you get older, right? ZORN Yeah, yeah, like ovarian cysts, I hope. I guess now I have to punish you, huh? ALAN Yeah, probably. ZORN In Zephyria, we'd murder your whole family, but, obviously, that wouldn't work out for your old man here. Um... ALAN You could send me to my room. ZORN Yeah, yeah. No, that seems more appropriate, doesn't it? You know, without the Ferrari poster it's basically just a prison cell. ALAN Oh, no. EDIE Really, Zorn? ZORN What? EDIE I don't know what I'm angrier about, the fact that you're out past curfew, or that Alan isn't wearing a jacket. CRAIG It is kinda chilly, Zorn. EDIE What do you have to say for yourself? ZORN You want the truth, huh? EDIE Uh-huh. ZORN Okay, well, the truth is, I just... ALAN I-I had to do my planetary sciences paper, and Dad said it was a good night to see the sky, 'cause Jupiter and Venus and... Mr. Egert, he said we'd get extra credit if we chart those, so... ZORN Yep, yep, yep. No, I told him about the, uh, the planets. They were going nuts tonight, yeah. EDIE Well, I guess that sort of makes sense. ALAN So how'd you find us? CRAIG She used "Find My Phone." ALAN You hacked my account? ZORN Family, please, regardless of whether or not someone completely betrayed their son's trust tonight, the important thing is I'm a better parent than you, Edie. EDIE Well, I guess I overreacted tonight. Alan, you are responsible. And, Zorn, you... are... I guess what I'm trying to say is... ZORN Ahem! My throat! Something's in my... is in my throat. EDIE I'm sorry. ZORN Apology accepted. SINGER ? Tra la la la, bombardier ? ? This is the pilot speaking ? ? And I've got some news for you ? ? For yo-- yo-- yo... ? ZORN Aw, man! Damn it! Come on!