ALAN BRIAN CRAIG CREATURE EDIE LINDA MAN NANCY NANCYS_DAD SCOTT SHANNON TODD ZORN ZORN Ah. EDIE I think it would be great to go on a fast. CRAIG Yeah. EDIE A juice cleanse. CRAIG Yeah, I'm looking forward to it. CREATURE EDIE Zorn? All I asked was that you get rid of your boxes. ZORN Yeah, yeah. No, I-I know. But look, it's all my old awesome stuff. Man, I haven't seen some of this crap in years. Oh, man. The Stone of Sight! You remember this, Edie? Huh? You remember? EDIE I remember the Stone of Sight, yes. ZORN So dangerous in the hands of evil. Yeah, I really should have destroyed that a long time a... Uh-oh! Game Boy! Ha-ha! Oh, my thumbs got quite a workout on this bad boy. EDIE Zorn, this junk has been here for years. Craig needs some space to wall-mount his bicycles. ZORN Bicycles? Who the hell rides bicycles? EDIE Uh, we do. Craig and I enjoy riding bicycles together, as a couple. ZORN Oh, hey, Craig, you know what Edie and I used to enjoy doing as a couple? Having tantric sex on top of a mountain for months at a time. Yeah. CRAIG You should try cycling, Zorn. It's really good for your heart. ZORN Oh, you know what else is good for your heart? Having tantric sex with Edie on top of a mountain for months at a time. Nice shirt, by the way. CRAIG It's a Nautica, Zorn. ZORN Well, your mom's a Nautica. CRAIG Okay. This is escalating. My ears are getting hot. I'm gonna go for an anger ride. ZORN Oh, let me guess-- on your bicycle? EDIE Zorn! If you don't clean this up, I am gonna have to throw it all out. ZORN Aw, come on, you really want to get rid of our sex masks? Oh-ho-ho, man. We had a lot of sex in these bad boys, huh? EDIE I've got to go to work. ZORN Hey, Edie. You still got that tattoo? The one with the Z on one cheek, R-N on the other? EDIE I got rid of that tattoo a long time ago. ZORN Why? EDIE Because we got divorced, Zorn. I don't need your... ZORN You know what? I'm sorry. I-I totally see where you're coming from, and I will be moving the boxes now. EDIE Thank you. It's nice to hear you sounding mature about the whole thing, because you see... ZORN Oh, this song is gonna be stuck in my head for weeks. EDIE NANCY Good boy, good boy. ALAN Nancy? NANCY Hey. ALAN Hey, it's Alan. Alan, like, I live here Alan, not stalking you or anything. NANCY Huh. Alan... Alan... Oh, right. Your dad, uh, he killed that bird in your driveway. Right? That Alan? ALAN Yeah. Oh, my God, I forgot about that. It's, like... Yeah, he just moved here from, like, this other country that's really brutal and crazy... NANCY I get it. My dad's from Cambodia. He was in the Khmer Rouge... ALAN Oh. NANCY ...and during the war, he, uh, did a lot of bad, bad things. ALAN Oh. Um... NANCY Alan! I'm kidding. He owns a used car dealership. ALAN Okay! Wow, that's, like, a big difference. ZORN Why the hell is Alangulon talking to that elfish, waifish Asian maiden? Oh, boy, that's a tongue twister. Elfish, waifish Asian maiden. Elfish, waifish... Mm! NANCY This one time this lady asked my dad if he was Vietnamese, and he went ballistic. He was like, "No, I'm Cambodian!" And... he kicked a dent in her car. So embarrassing. ZORN NANCY Oh, wait. Are you in P.E. with Jules Davey? ALAN Yeah, I'm, uh... NANCY He was dating my friend Alison for a second, but I think they were having... ALAN Hey, do you want to-to walk you to home? NANCY Mm. Yeah. Sure. Let me just... ALAN Nah. Just leave it. Yeah. Let's just go. NANCY No, I should clean it up. ALAN No, seriously, leave it. NANCY It'll only take a second. ALAN No, the poop's great. It's good on our lawn. ZORN Ooh, wooh, wooh... NANCY You know what? Actually, I'm just gonna leave this poop. So... ALAN Oh, Dad, thank you so much for the help. So funny. I'm really glad you're back. ZORN Aw, come on! Oh, do I see a little smile? Maybe it wasn't funny. It feels funny when I'm doing it. Mm-hmm. That's undeniable. ZORN Why would you need hand dryers? Let's say you got a sackful of severed hands, okay, but some of them are still wet, 'cause they're covered in the tears of the children that they were holding. No. You're a psycho! LINDA Zorn, I am starting to get the sense you have no idea what you're doing. ZORN But the important thing is I'm having fun, right? LINDA No. That's not the thing. The thing is to make a sale, and you have not made one. ZORN And yet I'm still having fun, which I think speaks towards my spirit. LINDA Have you tried using the script? It can be pretty persuasive. Todd already landed two new accounts using that script last week. ZORN Yeah, the script. I mean, it's good, it's good. It's a great template. But, you know, I have a tendency to feel that I get my best results when I'm just winging it. LINDA Make a sale, or I'm gonna fire you. ZORN Definitely. You're the boss, my man. ALAN I got a... SCOTT Huh? Yeah. ALAN Hello? ZORN Hey, buddy. Uh, I was calling to apologize. ALAN For what? For yesterday, or just, like, my entire childhood? ZORN No, no, no, just for yesterday. Look, and I've also been thinking, there is an area I might be helpful to you, you know. You seem to be keen on a certain elfish, waifish Asian maiden. Am I right? ALAN Dad, it's fine. I don't really want... ZORN Alangulon, listen, I don't mean to brag here, but I've been with a lot of women over the years, okay? We're talking Tora, Princess of Light, Yonna, Princess of Victory, Helena, Princess of, um... Damn it. I don't even remember what she was princess of, I was so darn wasted. ALAN Can I... I got to go. Wha-What's up? ZORN Doesn't matter. Look, what I've learned is that to get a woman, son, all you have to do is offer her some Corn Nuts. ALAN Corn Nuts. ZORN Trust me, son, chicks love Corn Nuts. It makes all the sense in the world-- I mean, they're crunchy... ALAN Great. Okay, I got to go. I'm at school. Bye. ZORN And the bag is in-- EDIE It's not your garage anymore, Zorn. Craig and I are getting married. Get over it. Hey, sweetie. ALAN Hey. CRAIG Hey, Alan. EDIE Hey, your dad called this morning to apologize-- did he reach you? ALAN Yeah, he called, and then he tried to give me advice about girls. EDIE Your dad? First of all, you'd come to me if you needed advice about girls. ALAN Nope. EDIE And second of all, he calls it a "vajiba." ALAN Aah! Don't say that. EDIE Well... ALAN Hey, Craig, can I use that once you're finished grading? CRAIG Uh, not "grading," Alan. Grading implies the traditional letter system, which, as you know, I find limiting. For instance, this student just scored a P7. ALAN Is that like an A? CRAIG No, Alan, it's not like an A. ALAN Is it like an A-minus? CRAIG Yes. EDIE Ooh. What if we take the boxes to him? ALAN Dad's boxes? He still hasn't picked up that crap? CRAIG Well, in Zorn's defense, he did take the Game Boy. EDIE You know, his apartment is on the way to that estate sale you wanted to go to. CRAIG Oh, I love going through dead people's things. EDIE Honey, could you move the boxes into your car? You'd get a P7 in my book. Maybe even a P8. CRAIG A C? ALAN Mm. Ah... Water. NANCY What? ALAN I just said "water." NANCY Yeah. That's what it is. ALAN Water, water, lots of drops to drink. You know? With the... NANCY Yeah. ALAN You can drink it. You got to have it. NANCY Okay. ALAN Uh... hey, Nancy. Uh, do you want some Corn Nuts? NANCY Corn Nuts? ALAN Yeah. NANCY Yeah. Sure. I love Corn Nuts. ALAN Oh. Really? NANCY Do you have any? ALAN Uh-uh. NANCY Oh. ALAN Ah. NANCY 'Cause... ALAN Where did they go? NANCY you asked me. ALAN Where did the Corn Nuts go? NANCY Okay. Well... I have to get to class, so... See ya. ALAN Hey, yeah, I do, too. ZORN Hey, Alangulon! All right! Get on in here, buddy. Come on in. Make yourself at home. So, what do you think? I know it kind of looks like a, uh... ALAN A place where crackheads go to have sex? Yeah. ZORN Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. Hey, can I get you anything? You know, a glass of water, maybe, or some butter? Oh, you know, I got a big old bag of warm meat in the bathroom sink. ALAN Uh, that's okay. I'm kind of trying to cut back on warm sink meat. ZORN All right. Well, I got some cold stuff in the toilet. Eh, you know what? Doesn't matter. Uh, what'd you want to talk about? ALAN I just, uh... So that-that Corn Nuts thing worked. How did you know that? ZORN Like I said, I'm no stranger to feminality, okay? I just understand women on a deeper level than most men. I listen. You know, that's really a big part of it. You just got to listen. No, I'm kidding! I'm... I'm screwing with you. No, I use the Stone of Sight. ALAN What is that, like, a... is that a Web site? ZORN Ah, here, check it out. Okay, all right, what you want to do, you want to hold it up in front of you, now hold it there, you want to keep it straight there, just so can-- ALAN Like this? ZORN Okay, now, you want to look through here. All right, good. Now repeat after me. Show me... ALAN Show me... ZORN the elfish, waifish Asian maiden. ALAN ...the elfish, wai... Wait. Nancy? What is this? ZORN Come on, just say it. ALAN Show me Nancy. NANCY Guys, I have your salmon right here. ALAN ZORN Pretty cool, right? Hmm? Yeah? Oh, and just so you know, it's dangerous in the hands of evil. ALAN You're stalking her! ZORN Nah-ah. No. I'm not stalking her. I-I'm just watching her every move. ALAN That's stalking! ZORN What? I'm just trying to help you so that you'll think I'm an awesome dad and then, I don't know, we'll sneak into a ball game together and dump beer on people's heads and fight the security. I mean, is that a crime? ALAN Yes, those are all crimes. ZORN Excuse me for not knowing all the crimes in all the world, okay? All right, so you don't want to know that her favorite movie is Ferris Bueller's Day Off. Or that she prefers short hair on guys and thinks that white V-neck T-shirts are crazy hot. ALAN She said that? ZORN Yeah. I mean, unless she was lying to her best friend Shannon, which I really don't think she would. Although, come to think about it, when Shannon got home last night, she was talking to Joni Perkins-- you know, Butt-Crack Joni, right? ALAN I don't know her personally. ZORN Like, pull your jeans up, lady. Nobody needs to see that. ALAN Okay. Let me just, like, think... Okay, if I'm not aware of what you're doing, like, if you don't tell me, ZORN Mm-hmm. ALAN then it's just basically like I... it's like I guessed. ZORN Sure. Yeah, no, rationalize away. ALAN As far as I'm concerned, I'm just getting pointers from my dad on girls, right? ZORN God, it's so cool when you can really see yourself in your child. Nature is a... well, it's just an amazing thing. CRAIG CREATURE CRAIG CREATURE Ooh. Ooh. ZORN Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait. I'm not finished with that page yet. Don't... Aw. Likes... the way Rooney Mara wore it. Dislikes the way Khloe Kardashian-- or however you spell that-- wore it. Okay. Man, I remember when stalking used to be fun. Oh, you know what? Show me the punk who stole my phone. Man, what the...? Oh, boy. Of course-- it was in the coin pocket. I never use that little guy. Mm. Now I got to go back and apologize to that valet. Hey. This is actually pretty cool. Can't believe I've never... Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on, what is that? You know what? Whatever. Like Craig doesn't have a bald spot. Show me Craig. Oh, brother. "Oh, look at me cycling with my fiancée. "'Cause we're one of those couples that enjoy spending time together." Give me a break. Todd! Hey! Can I ask you a question? TODD Actually, I'm kind of in a... ZORN Yeah. How do you make a sale? TODD Well, the easiest way is to start with someone you know. ZORN Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Uh, Todd! Todd! Would you want to buy some soap dispensers? Todd, wait! NANCY Hey. ALAN Huh? What?! NANCY Do you shop here? ALAN Here? Oh, yeah, I love this place. It's super funky, you know? It's, like... I feel like vintage clothing really has, like, a story to tell. NANCY I literally said the same thing this morning. ALAN Wow. Huh. Yeah, you know what, sometimes, uh, "life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you can miss it." NANCY Ferris Bueller. ALAN Yeah. It's, like, my favorite movie. NANCY It's my favorite movie. ALAN No way! Crazy. NANCY Shannon, uh, this is, uh, my friend, Alan. This is Shannon, by the way. SHANNON "Creepy Alan"? With the psycho dad? NANCY Different Alan. SHANNON Whatever. I'm gonna go see if any of the stuff from the '80s still has coke in the pockets. ALAN You know, I, I on-- I only just met her just now, but I've seen her around school a bunch, and she's, like, definitely changed a lot in the last year, you know what I'm saying? NANCY Yeah. She was really into volleyball last year, but now she's... ALAN Now she's like a total stoner. You know, it's, like, one beaded braid no make dem a Rasta! NANCY ALAN Hey, this is totally random, but, uh, next weekend I have two tickets to see this band, Pineapple Candy. I don't know if you're into them at all... NANCY Are you serious? ALAN NANCY Yes! ZORN Oh, you're kidding me. EDIE You're kidding me. Nope! No! Hey, hey, no, no. ZORN Uh-oh, busted. EDIE Take those back! ZORN Oh, come on, Edie, you don't actually want bikes in your garage. That's insane. I mean, bikes? EDIE Yeah, bikes. My bike, Craig's bike, together, just the two of them. ZORN Hey, Edie, you're really gonna keep pretending like... this isn't happening? EDIE Like what isn't happening? ZORN Come on, I've had a lot of sex, Edie. EDIE ZORN I've seen a lot of vajibas, and a lot of women have seen my pebis, you hear me? I know what I'm talking about. EDIE I really don't want to hear about your pebis. ZORN All right, well, if I'm so wrong about us, then how come you still have your Zorn tattoo? EDIE I don't have that Zorn tattoo. ZORN Edie, I've seen it. EDIE How... have you... The Stone of Sight?! Oh... my... God! ZORN Oh, okay, so now you want my stuff in your house. EDIE I can't believe this. Did you spy on me in the shower? ZORN The real outrage here should be the length of your showers. We are in a drought, Edie. It is not a joke. Is that a safe? EDIE Yes. Craig got it for his answer keys. ZORN Edie, I need the stone, okay? I can't tell you why, but trust me. Plus, plus, it is dangerous in the hands of evil. EDIE You are the hands of evil! ZORN Okay, fine. You think some little safe is gonna stop me? I... am... Zorn! Zero, zero, zero, zero. Damn. Zero, zero, zero, one. Damn. Zero, zero, zero, two. Damn. Zero, zero, zero, three. Damn. ALAN Yeah, I guess it's, like, a-a date. Could you maybe give me some pointers on what girls think is their favorite restaurant in town? ZORN Well, yeah, but, son, I-- ALAN Could you maybe think about it soon? So I can make reservations before the show? ZORN Sure, no, no, yeah, but-but here's the thing, I-- ALAN Definitely think about it when she's got her clothes on, okay? Hey, thanks, Dad, for, um, you know... ZORN Hey! But... My pleasure, son. LINDA Was that a client? ZORN Uh, yeah. Yeah, it was. LINDA Zorn, I don't want to have to fire you. Just... use the script, make a sale. ZORN I know. I know. No, and I'm super close. It's just, um, well, you know, I have this perfect way to connect with this client, and, uh, I mean, he was totally appreciating me. I mean, it was amazing. And then, you know, I-I lost it, and-and now I'm afraid I'm gonna lose him, and I... I mean, God, I... I just love him so much, you know, it's-- LINDA Okay. Okay. I know... all about this way of connecting with a client, and... trust me, it does not work out. I mean, there's a line there, there's temptation. You know, just don't give in to it. Oh, gosh, I think your best bet would just be to end it, you know? You got to go over there in person, get the job done, and get out of there. Who knows? Maybe if it doesn't end too badly, you could still make that sale. ZORN In person. EDIE Well, I warned him. Now his stuff is in the trash. I mean, that is on him. CRAIG Oh. Y-You got a thing on your... EDIE CREATURE EDIE Oh! Get it off! CRAIG Okay, EDIE Kill it! CRAIG okay, I'll get it, I'll get it. I'm not gonna kill it. It's just a little... CREATURE CRAIG Oh, my God! CREATURE CRAIG Whew! Look, as childish and invasive as Zorn can be, you can't force someone to move on. You got to stop letting it drive you crazy. Just let it go. Come on. Look, could I get upset about the tattoo that you still have on your behind? Sure. Do I? Sometimes. Privately. EDIE You know it means nothing to me. CRAIG I know, and I try not to let it torment me, which is why I prefer missionary. EDIE You know what? You're right. I should just let it go. CRAIG Yeah. There is laser removal. ZORN Hmm. Well, let's see what else we got here. Let's see. What? BRIAN Pretty creepy, man. ZORN Hey, you want your five stars or not? Wait, hold on. Who is that? Is that her brother? BRIAN Dude, I don't know. ZORN What the hell? Wow. And people say Zephyrians are the ones with the deviant sexual impulses, huh? BRIAN Well, maybe it's not her brother. NANCYS DAD Hey! ZORN Why can't I roll this window up? BRIAN It's busted, man. Just don't worry about it. ZORN Ah! This car sucks, dude. BRIAN Hey, take it down a notch. NANCYS DAD Can I help you? ZORN Oh, no, no, no, we're good, thank you. NANCYS DAD Really? You're good? ZORN Yeah, yeah, yeah, but I-I think we're we were, um, yeah, we're just, uh, we're looking for an address, on the wrong street, so, uh... NANCYS DAD I saw you urinate on my tree. ZORN Okay. Well, I'm sorry. Oh, you saw that? It was kind of an emergency. But, hey, we're about to take off, so just-- BRIAN Yeah, I just want to put this out there, man. I do not know this guy at all. I picked him up earlier. He was drinking in the park. ZORN I was having a beer. BRIAN Yeah. It was more than a beer. ZORN And now you're at four stars, Brian. You want to make it three? NANCYS DAD You knocked over my eucalyptus tree! ZORN What? I got a powerful stream. Hell, I once pee-blasted a Glombeast off a cliff. Maybe back in Vietnam or wherever, this sort of thing... NANCYS DAD Vietnam? Vietnam? Wh-Why would you say that? I mean do I look Vietnamese to you, seriously? BRIAN Dude, that's racist. ZORN Brian, turn the car on. Let's go. ALAN ZORN Hey, buddy. You weren't answering your phone, so I figured I'd pop by. ALAN Okay. ZORN So anyway, I've, uh, got some fatherly advice for you. ALAN Oh, fatherly advice? This is gonna be really cool. Can't wait. ZORN Well, I'm feeling like maybe things aren't gonna work out for you and Nancy. It's just, um, I mean, you could do better. ALAN Oh, you think I can do better? Really? Oh, my gosh. My dad thinks that? ZORN If I'm being honest, I think she might be prone to incest. ALAN Okay, so it's definitely not because you went over to her house to spy on her, and insulted her dad to the point where he kicked a dent in your car? ZORN Okay, all right, that did not happen. ALAN Yes, it did! I saw you! ZORN You spied on me? ALAN Yeah. I used the Stone of Sight. Got it out of Craig's safe-- he says the code out loud when he types it in. Zero, zero, zero, six. ZORN Are you kidding me? Okay, well, you know what? I think the best thing is probably for me to stop trying to help; I always seem to be making things worse. ALAN Well, it's not like it matters. I saw she has a boyfriend she didn't tell me about, so... that's what really sucks in the end. ZORN You know, sometimes you really like someone, and you talk a big game like it's, it's gonna work out, but the fact is she's with someone else. And it sucks. I mean, it sucks . I mean, I get it, you know? You wish you could just rip off the new guy's nose and break off his finger and stick it where his nose used to be and then just punch him in his stupid bicycle face! I can see the headline now “Man with Tiniest Genitals Dies, World Rejoices.” But then, I don’t know, once you start to... let go and move on, who knows? I mean, maybe it gets better. ALAN Yeah, you're right. Hey, thanks, Dad. It's really nice to finally have, like, an actual conversation, you know, where we can, like, talk to each o-- Yeah. It's great, super great to... ZORN Mm-hmm. ALAN finally have a... one-on-one conversation back and forth, where... ZORN Yeah, totally. ALAN ...you're really listening ZORN Listening. ALAN to everything I'm saying, and really processing... ZORN Active process. ZORN All right, well, here we go. Nah, it's for the best. There are just too many evil hands in the world. EDIE Mainly yours. But thank you for finally moving your boxes. ZORN Yeah, I know, it's weird. It's, like, we're, uh... like we're officially divorced now, I guess. Hey, can you, uh... can you give us a minute? EDIE Oh. ZORN Listen, uh, Craig, I, uh, I owe you an apology. How about we hit the old reset button? CRAIG I'd like that, Zorn. ZORN Hello. I'm Zorn from Sanitation Solutions. Do you have a second to talk about how satisfied you are with your current bathroom products supplier? CRAIG Yeah. EDIE $600 on soap dispensers? CRAIG I know. It was impulsive. EDIE What the hell were you thinking? ZORN Well, well, well, trouble in paradise. Zorn, how you make the puppets dance. CRAIG Look, honestly, I just feel sorry for Zorn. ZORN Wait, wait. Hold on. CRAIG He lost you, he lives in squalor, the bangs are not working. I just thought he needed a win for a change. EDIE Well, when you say it like that, that's... ZORN Wait a second, why are the puppets not dancing the way I want them to dance? EDIE ...unusual. You're an amazing person. ZORN No! Stupid Stone! Come on! Stupid! CREATURE MAN Whoa!