ALAN ALAN_AND_SCOTT ALL AUTOMATED_VOICE CRAIG DEATH_HAWK EDIE GLOMBEAST_LEADER HARRY_NILSSON_SINGING HEADBUTT_MAN HEADBUTT_MANS_SON LANDLORD LASERON LINDA LINDA_ORVEND NANCY PASSENGER SCOTT SKUNK_MAN TOM YOUNGER_ZORN YOUNG_ALAN ZORN GLOMBEAST LEADER Attack! ALL GLOMBEAST LEADER ZORN Mind if I... cut in? ALL LASERON All right, Zorn! ZORN Ah. Hey, guys, sorry. I got to split, it's my kid's birthday. Ah, the little bone crusher's 17. Can you believe it? HEADBUTT MAN Say hi to the wife for us. ZORN I mean, technically, she's my ex-wife, but, you know, there's still some hot embers in that fire, right? SKUNK MAN Sounds like you've got a beautiful family, Zorn. I really hope to meet them some day. ZORN Don't worry, you definitely will, Skunk Man. SKUNK MAN ZORN Well, at least he died doing what he loved, wanting to meet my family. Here I come, son. ZORN Ah, come on. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. PASSENGER You want a baby wipe? ZORN "Baby wipe?" This guy just offered me a baby wipe. Can you believe that? I know you're fake-sleeping. PASSENGER So is that, is that a no on the baby wipe? ZORN You're right, that's a no, I'm good. Yeah. I'm, uh, on my way to Orange County to see my wife and kid. PASSENGER Oh? ZORN Yeah, I'm on my way to Orange County to see my wife and kid. They're gonna be so pumped. I mean, nothing, nothing more emotional than a soldier coming home, am I right? Oh, by the way, I'm Zorn. Defender of Zephyria, Conqueror of the Tribes of Aegon, Decapitator of the Dark Herdsmen of... Okay. HARRY NILSSON SINGING ? I'm going where the sun keeps shining ? HARRY NILSSON SINGING ? Through the pouring rain ? ? Going where the weather ? ? Suits my clothes ? ? Banking off of the northeast winds ? ZORN Uh, excuse me, sorry. Uh, sorry, eh, um, that's mine. Uh, the-the sword... If someone can grab that ple... ZORN No one could grab that, huh? No one? Great. Thanks, guys. ZORN Oh, you've got to be kidding me. No, no, no, I'm fine. Please, continue. ZORN Ah, let's see what we got here. Oh, there he is, there he is. My little bone crusher. That's what I call him. He's probably, like, I don't know, seven feet tall by now. Oh, uh, by the way, I'm Zorn, Defender of Zephyria, Conqueror of the Tribes of Aegon, Decapitator of the-- you've got to be kidding me. ZORN Yeah, you could just toss that right there. Hey, you don't have change for $100, do you? No, I'm kidding, I'm not gonna tip you. EDIE Hello, Zorn. ZORN There's my gal! Ex-gal, whatever. That trip was rough. You know, I called the flight attendant a "stewardess." Bad move, he was not pleased. EDIE Come in. ZORN Oh, not how I remember that photo being framed, but... EDIE Did you get bangs? ZORN Oh, yeah, yeah, I don't know, I'm still getting used to them. Well, you know, I mean, they just started to cover a forehead wound. And then I was like, "Yeah, what the hell, it's summer." Uh, hey, by the way, where's my little decimator? Thought you said he'd be home by 300. EDIE I actually said his bus gets here at 400. ZORN Look at us, fighting like the old days. I miss this. Man, I cannot wait to see him. He's gonna be so pumped! Kid's just like his old man, he's a warrior. SCOTT Oh, wait, your dad's coming to town, right? ALAN Yeah, I'm actually pretty excited about it, you know? I mean, last time, sure he showed up half-naked, like, swinging a sword around, yelling my name. Just like, "Alangulon!" SCOTT Yeah, no, I remember. That's why we got the metal detectors. I like the metal detectors. They're cool. It's like... ALAN It's like we're at the airport, you know, you can pretend. SCOTT I can't bring my Altoids in anymore. ALAN Okay, but that's the price of travel, right? ALAN AND SCOTT ALAN Yeah. ZORN The other day Vulchazor sends a bunch of ice bats to attack the palace, and next thing you know... CRAIG Edie, did you hide my Crocs again? ZORN What the hell? CRAIG I can't find them any... Hey. ZORN Hi. CRAIG Wow. Uh, you must be Zorn. It's a pleasure to finally meet you. EDIE Zorn, this is Craig, my fiancé. ZORN Fiancé? Oh. Really... just really great to meet you. Really great. CRAIG Zorn, it's obvious that you're applying way too much pressure to my hand right now, and... ZORN Uh-huh. CRAIG Actually, it hurts. ZORN It does? CRAIG It really does. ZORN Oh. CRAIG In addition to that, you're emasculating me in front of my fiancée. EDIE Craig is a professor of psychology. ZORN Oh. Okay. EDIE Oh, don't you have a lecture at 330? CRAIG Oh, yes. EDIE Shouldn't you be logging on? ZORN What do you mean, "logging on"? EDIE Craig teaches at an online college. ZORN Yeah, but you said, "lecture". CRAIG Okay, I-I can see where this is going. Let's just stop it right here. Yes. I teach online. Does that make me less of a man than any other professor out there? ZORN CRAIG I'd say no. Am I an embarrassment to my family? Yes. An embarrassment to my father, to a lesser extent, my mother. To several bro... ZORN Well, you don't want to keep that Internet waiting, now do ya? CRAIG I'm gonna go in there. EDIE Okay. ZORN Wow. So... He's cool. You know, I could see someone being into that. Wanting that. EDIE You're an idiot. ZORN No, I'm not. EDIE Craig is kind. ZORN Oh, is he? EDIE And dependable. I love my life here. ZORN You should love your life here. EDIE I mean, we have... ZORN No, no... EDIE so much fun. We have an avocado tree in the back, ZORN No! EDIE and we make our own guacamole. ZORN No, come on. EDIE You know... ZORN Hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Come on... Edie. You remember that time we had that fivesome with those mountain trolls? Do you remember that? EDIE Yeah. Okay. Yes, that was the old me, ZORN Yeah? EDIE sex with the mountain trolls. ZORN A lot of fun. EDIE That was a long time ago. I'm with Craig now. ZORN Oh, that's interesting, because when you just said that, you were actually staring at my quadriceps. EDIE No, I wasn't. ZORN I don't know. EDIE I'm gonna... go make some hummus. ZORN Okay. No problem. Hmm. EDIE Excuse me. EDIE This is Craig. My fiancé. CRAIG It's a pleasure to finally meet you. EDIE Craig teaches at an online college. CRAIG My fiancée. EDIE My fiancé... cé...cé... ZORN Fiancé? Huh. Give it a week and Edie will be all like, "Oh, Zorn, please cut Craig in half." And I'll be like, "Yeah, no problem." Oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh, look at this, look at this. I know who's in there. Yeah, here we go. ZORN Alangulon! Son of Zorn! Come out little boy, where are you? ALAN No, no, no. ZORN Hello? ALAN He's half-naked, ZORN I know you're in there. ALAN waving his sword around again. SCOTT Oh, my God, that's exactly what you didn't want him to do. ZORN Don't make me tear this bus and all its occupants to shreds. ALAN Uh, driver, we-we should... can we go? ZORN Hello? Come out. ALAN Uh, this guy back here is freaking me out. He's super weird; I don't know him. ZORN I know you're in there. Uh... Alangulon? EDIE Alan? CRAIG Alan. ALAN Hey. EDIE Where have you been? ALAN Yeah, I had, uh, my phone off, or whatever, yeah. EDIE You knew your dad was coming over. He left you a birthday present. ALAN My birthday was three weeks ago. EDIE I know. ALAN This is from Dad? EDIE I wrapped it, yeah. It's a brain gouger. ALAN A brain gouger. Why did I think he'd be different this time? He doesn't have a clue. What an idiot. CRAIG Alan, hearing how mad you are makes me want to take that brain gouger and gouge your brain out. ALAN What? EDIE Honey. CRAIG No, the part of your brain called the limbic system. It's the thing that's making you angry right now. ALAN Oh, thanks, Craig. EDIE So... do you want to call your dad or...? ALAN Nope, I'll just, you know, wait around for another three years. Maybe I'll talk to him then or something. I don't know. CRAIG Hey, sweetie, do you think he understood... ALAN He understands. CRAIG Okay. HEADBUTT MAN ZORN Aw, come on. Don't kill all the Glombeasts before I get back tomorrow. At least save me a couple wounded ones I can mess around with. HEADBUTT MAN All right. All right. Hey, how are things going with Alangulon, by the way? ZORN Um... terrific. Yeah, he's playing soccer with his bus driver's head as we speak. Hey, son! Why don't you knock that off and go do your homework, you dead-eyed killer. I got to call you back. What the hell? EDIE Zorn? ZORN Wow, Edie, this is, like, above and beyond. Hot Pockets! Oh, all righ... oh, oh, oh. They didn't have the Bacon Cheddar Cheese Melt flavor? EDIE I don't know, Zorn. ZORN Oh, no, no, I'm sorry. It's good. It's great, it's great. Thank you. I'm, uh, I'm just gonna... I'm gonna save these for later, you know? Just had a cat right before you got here, so a little stuffed and... uh... yeah. So, hey, um, do-do you know what's going on with Alangulon? Uh, 'cause my flight leaves Sunday. I mean, is he not gonna see me before I go? EDIE He might be a little upset. ZORN Upset?! That... you know, that brain gouger wasn't cheap. EDIE Well, you haven't exactly been around much, Zorn. I mean, you come to visit every few years and even then, you only stay for a weekend. How do you think that makes him feel? ZORN Yeah, well, I'm sorry. I've been busy, you know, fighting for my homeland and making sure Vulchazor doesn't get his hands on the staff of Quiv, okay? EDIE The staff of Quiv is just a stick. ZORN Yeah, but it's our stick. EDIE Alan isn't a kid anymore, and I'm just worried you're gonna lose him. You need to be here. ZORN Uh, Edie, news flash. I am here. EDIE No, but... for good. Get an apartment. Get to know him. This could be your last chance to become part of Alan's life. I got to go before the dry cleaners close. Let me know if that's not enough toilet paper for you. ZORN Yeah, just looking at it right now, I can tell you that's not enough. HEADBUTT MAN Hey, dude. I was listening to that entire conversation. I was 90% sure that was gonna end in sex. ZORN Yeah, yeah, but I-I don't know, maybe she's right. HEADBUTT MAN No, she's not. I didn't spend any time with my son when he was growing up, and he turned out fine. See? HEADBUTT MANS SON Wait, wait, no! HEADBUTT MAN Oh, my sweet boy! Oh, God, no! I should have spent more time with you! I'd give anything for one more second. Hey, Zorn, are you still on? I got to go, son cut in half. LANDLORD It's $750 a month, plus utilities. ZORN Mm-hmm. I'll take it. LANDLORD Great. Couple things you should know. ZORN Yeah, lay it on me. LANDLORD The girls in 6B are gonna tell you I spy on them and that I put a camera behind their bathroom mirror. ZORN 6B. Okay. LANDLORD They're liars. ZORN Naturally. LANDLORD And they're sluts. Also, I'll need the first two months rent up front. ZORN Yeah, here you go. This should take care of it. You know, there's actually a couple extra jewels on there, so you can just apply that to my next month's rent. ZORN Well, actually, I managed a whole team ON-SCREEN TEXT LINDA ORVEND ZORN of mutilators by myself, yeah. A-and then, well, then I would coordinate the sharing of intelligence between my department and-and The Fanged One. LINDA Oh, so... you're a coordinator. ZORN I mean, I was basically doing the coordinator's job. Everybody knew it. You know, the guy was a... the guy was an alcoholic. No judgment, but, you know, we got a job to do. LINDA You do realize you're applying for an entry-level sales position. You'd be selling industrial soap dispensers. ZORN Definitely. Oh, yeah, no, that sounds great. Really look forward... you know, back in Zephyria... LINDA Zephyria? ZORN Uh, the... island nation of Zephyria. I found the dispensing of-of soap, uh, to be very, uh-- LINDA Do you own a shirt? ZORN Does a Grithian herdsman have nine anuses? LINDA What? ZORN Yes, I have a shirt. ALAN Hey, it's Alan. Leave a message. ZORN Hey, Alangulon, it's Dad. I just wanted to let you know I'm in town just... settling in, got a place. Got a job lined up. This is a big move for me, but, uh, you know, it's time for me to get to know my boy. So, uh, I say just, you know, call me back ZORN when you get th-- AUTOMATED VOICE If you are satisfied with your message, press one. ZORN Wha--? AUTOMATED VOICE To review your message, press two. ZORN Oh. ZORN Hey, Alangulon, it's Dad again. Well, not again, not to you, at least. You know, I-I tried to leave a message before but for whatever reason the, uh, little, uh... the voice mail thing, uh, cut me off. Anyway, okay, so, um... anyway, what I was saying was, um... where do I start? ZORN Okay, oh, from the beginning. Okay, so, uh, I'm in town, I got a pla-- AUTOMATED VOICE If you are satisfied with your message... ZORN No, I'm not satisfied with my message! AUTOMATED VOICE To review your message... ZORN No, I don't, no, I don't want to leave a new message. I want to leave an old message-- the one that I was leaving two messages ago, actually. ZORN Alangulon, Dad. Got a place, got a job... Damn it! Damn you! Damn-- ALAN Do I really have to go do this? EDIE Look, I know you haven't always had the best relationship with your dad, but he's really making an effort to change. ZORN Oh, nuts! The window was up. I was hoping to hit you in the face. Ah, that would have been hilarious, but your faces were good enough. You guys looked so scared. Hey, don't worry about that, okay? That's-that's not gonna be a problem at all. Paper towel will get that right off. ZORN Oh, problem solved. Thanks, Zorn. Alangulon! Come here, ALAN Hey, Dad. ZORN you little psycho. ALAN I'm fine. I don't really want to-- ZORN Let me throw your ass up into the air and catch you. Come here. Get over here, I got you. ALAN No. no! EDIE Zorn! He doesn't want to be thrown in the air. He's 17 and he just ate. ZORN Yeah, no, right, right, right, no, sorry, sorry. ZORN Oh, hey, at, uh, work, my boss, you know? Looks and talks exactly like a woman. I mean, the guy's going all out, too-- he wear skirts. I mean, you know, he's carrying a, uh, a purse, He uses tampons. Yeah, I mean, he has tampons in his purse. Honestly, if he wasn't above me in the chain of command, I'd swear he was a woman. ALAN Sounds like that's a woman. ZORN No, no, son. You're not listening. He's my superior. Hey, I got a question for you. What's the deal with that Craig guy? ALAN Craig? He's great. He's really nice. I've never seen Mom happier, uh-huh. ZORN Oh, yeah, no, I want to kill his ass, too. All righty, you ready to give it a go, Alangulon? Oh, you know what you can do? Pretend the balls are Craig's head. ALAN No, thanks. ZORN Look, I know this is tough for you, okay? I've been out of your life for a long time and there's a lot that I've missed. ALAN Just a decade. ZORN Right, but the point is, I'm here now, and that... erases everything bad I did. Let's get some food, shall we? ALAN Are you for real? ZORN Food whore! Waitress! ALAN Are you just...? Say it's gonna be all-all fine now? NANCY You guys ready? ZORN Yeah, we're gonna both have the rib eye. ALAN No, uh... NANCY And how would you like that cooked? ZORN Uh... not... I think, not, right? Yeah. Two rib eyes, both not. ALAN Actually, I'll have the veggie wrap, please. NANCY Oh, that's awesome. Great choice. ZORN One second, I'm sorry. You're confused, Alangulon. It says here the veggie wrap is, it's only vegetables. ALAN Yeah, I'm a vegetarian. Maybe 'cause I'm, like, informed and stuff. NANCY Oh, you should try the carrot-ginger-kale juice. ALAN Oh, really? NANCY Uh-huh. ALAN Okay, I'm all about ginger, yeah. NANCY Oh, my God. ALAN Yeah, bring on the ging. NANCY Bringing on the ging. ZORN What the hell is happening? ALAN It's like the hard stuff. Double shot, no problem. NANCY Ginger is actually really good for you. ZORN You know what I drink? The blood of my fallen enemies out of the skulls of their children. NANCY Hey. You're Alan, right? I'm Nancy. ALAN Cool. Hey. NANCY I think I live in your neighborhood. ALAN Oh. NANCY I drive past you sometimes... at the bus stop? ALAN Oh, I don't think that's... that's probably not me. I don't do the bus, really, so... ZORN Yeah, you do. Just the other day, your mother was telling me how you take the bus. ALAN I didn't... ZORN Oh, he definitely takes the bus. Why are you telling her you're not taking the bus? Amazing people have taken the bus, you know? You got Rosa Parks, took the bus. Even more famous than her, Keanu Reeves. For 100 minutes of packed action, he did. What? What'd I do? Just tell me. NANCY I like your bracelet. ALAN Thanks. NANCY It's cool. ZORN Oh, you a big bracelet nut? Check this one out. Hey, look at that. NANCY ZORN Watch yourself. ALAN Dad, put that away. This is ridiculous. ZORN Please tell me you're joking. NANCY You can't be in here with that. ALAN I'm sorry. NANCY Okay. No, seriously, guys. ZORN Right, yeah. Why, 'cause I'm gonna kill you with it? Come here, come here, I'm gonna kill you! NANCY Oh, my God! ALAN Don't murder her! NANCY Tom! ZORN Whoa, whoa, whoa. No. I was joking. TOM Gone! You're gone. Put that away, you're gone. ZORN Whoa. Okay. TOM So gone. ZORN Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, you got it. TOM Put that away! ZORN Yes, sir. Hey, I hear you. Dad joke gone bad. ZORN YOUNG ALAN Whee! Higher, Dad! YOUNGER ZORN One, two... three! ZORN Oh... Alangulon. Why do you suck so bad now? LINDA Zorn? ZORN What?! LINDA Can I see you for a second? LINDA It looks to me like it was done with a giant sword. ZORN Ah, that's too bad. I love that table. LINDA Do you know anyone in the office who would do something like this? ZORN Um... First thought Margie in HR. LINDA That is not a name I have ever heard before in my life. Take a seat, Zorn. ZORN O-Okay, okay, it's just, you've got to understand something. I need this job. It's just been weird being back and around my ex-wife, who's now engaged, and that's stirring up a lot of emotions for me... Look, I'm trying to make things right with my son, and he's just not getting it. And he's acting all weird about taking the bus, it's like... LINDA Okay. Let's just, uh... ZORN I don't think he's even seen the movie Speed before. Which is a whole other thing. LINDA Zorn. ZORN Sorry. Sorry, go ahead. LINDA I didn't bring you in here to fire you. ZORN Oh, thank God. LINDA You don't think I want to smash a table sometimes? You don't think I want to box the ears of that gum-snapping receptionist like you did? ZORN Oh, no, she's the worst. I almost chopped her in half. LINDA See that, Zorn? What you got there, that's passion. You got a fire in you. ZORN That's right! A fire that will consume anyone that stands in my way! LINDA A fire you gotta rein in. ZORN Gotta rein in that fire. Yeah. Exactly. LINDA Just... try to be more considerate. You know what that means? ZORN Uh, no, of course I do, yeah. Considerate. It's when you look at someone and imagine them melting. LINDA No. ZORN Yeah, no, it's... it's like when two horses die at the exact same time. LINDA I'll just tell you. It means you're thinking about what other people want and not just what you want. ZORN Huh. Really? Yeah, we don't have that concept in Zephyria. Yeah. No, but it's good, though. I like it. Oh! You know what? I can use that idea on my son. LINDA You could also use that here at work. ZORN Hey. You're a good guy. ALAN ZORN Hey, Alangulon... You know how you hate taking the bus? ALAN Yeah? ZORN Well, why don't you come outside, check out your new ride? ZORN What do you think? It's all yours. DEATH HAWK ALAN Wait, this is for me? This is mine? ZORN Yeah. No more waiting at the bus stop for my son. ALAN You paid attention to something I said? ZORN That's right. Because I'm considerate, my sweet little boy. ALAN Wow. ZORN Go ahead, take it for a spin. Uh-oh! ALAN Sorry. You never taught me how to catch, so... ZORN Now, look, it's an older model, so it's going to have some parasites living in its flesh. But the talons are still razor-sharp and it handles great on murder swoops. EDIE No! No! No! That is going right back where it came from! ALAN But Mom, it can fly! DEATH HAWK EDIE I don't care if it can spit out flesh-eating slime. ZORN Which it can. EDIE I want it out of my driveway. ZORN Oh, come on. Don't act like you never rode a death hawk, Edie. EDIE Okay, I was 19. I was coked out of my mind. Y... Don't try to change the subject. This is what you do, Zorn. ZORN Oh. Oh, okay, yeah. EDIE You're gonna come in here, make a big mess and then disappear. ZORN Tell me everything about me. EDIE And who's left to clean it up? DEATH HAWK CRAIG Look at that thing. It stinks, it's huge and he doesn't have a helmet. ZORN Uh, maybe if Alangulon were the fruit of your loins, Craig, your opinion would actually matter here. But he's not, so it doesn't, shut up. ZORN Okay, class, well, I've been emasculated again. ALAN Whoa! CRAIG And, uh, so we're gonna cut this class short. EDIE Alan! I said no! ALAN What? Why? ZORN Fly, son! Fly away! EDIE Zorn, if you don't get rid of this thing right now, I'm calling Animal Control. ZORN Oh, no, no. This bird would kill Animal Control, if it wasn't so heavily sedated as it is right now. EDIE Zorn... I'm not kidding. I want it out, now. ALAN DEATH HAWK ZORN Fine. Geez. Guy tries to bring a gift to his son, you know, and just be considerate of his feelings and his emotions... Next thing you know, he's the bad guy here. It's like, give me a friggin' break. ALAN What the hell?! CRAIG Oh! ALAN That's a living thing! What are you doing? ZORN What? It was painless. I just went right through its spinal cord. Didn't feel a thing. I've done this a billion... DEATH HAWK ZORN Uh-oh. Here we go. ALAN Oh... come on. Oh... ZORN EDIE I'll get the hose. CRAIG Edie, the drought... ZORN Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! This is the problem with an older one, is they don't want to die, so they just won't. EDIE Alan? ALAN Yeah? EDIE I just wanted to make sure you were okay. After what happened with the bird. ALAN I'm fine. EDIE You know, your dad... he's... he's trying. He really loves you. He's just having a hard time realizing we're nothing like him. You're not like him at all. ALAN Oh, no, you're right. I'm-I'm nothing like him. EDIE All right. Good night, sweetie. ALAN Good night, Mom.