ALL AMY ANGIE BESS DOCTOR DOUGLAS EMMA FANNY FRANNY GRAHAM GYM_TEACHER KIDS LIL MIGGY NURSE POPPY RAJ RORY SONG SOPHIE WILL WOMAN_ON_PA MIGGY Okay. This next song goes out to Emma and Amy's new guinea pig, P-p-p-pickle! KIDS Go, Pickle! Go, Pickle! Go, Pickle! Go, Pickle. RORY Crank up the fog, Miggy. I'm about to teach Pickle the East Side Stomp. MIGGY I got you. KIDS Go, Pickle! Go, Pickle! Go, Pickle! Go, Pickle! Go, Pickle! Go, Pickle! Go, Pickle! WILL Ladies, homemade gluten-free butterscotch cookies shaped like every kind of cloud while you wait? ANGIE No, thanks. I got to take Graham to basketball signup. WILL I thought he wasn't doing basketball because he wanted to do the spelling bee. ANGIE No. He's psyched. His hands are finally big enough to hold the ball. WILL Which is why it was such a touch decision, but ultimately my man's heart was in the bee. ANGIE Right. How do you know all this? WILL I don't know. We talk. WILL I don't know if I think God's up there with, like, a big long beard, but I definitely believe in something. GRAHAM I think God's a woman. WILL That was a Friday Craft Corner to remember, you know? ANGIE No. I really don't. DOUGLAS God, this guinea pig is costing me a fortune. Only eats little gem lettuce. Outrageous. There's smoke coming out of your windows. Your house is on fire. WILL Okay, so in the future, if you think my house is on fire, let's lead with that. And that's just Miggy's fog machine. He's DJ-ing a dance party for the kids. DOUGLAS Hippie's got to get a job. POPPY Well, he starts at the Winebrary tomorrow. And he's been so motivated. I think he's really growing up. MIGGY Ah! Come quick! We need an adult! WILL Sophie? ANGIE Graham? POPPY Rory? DOUGLAS Emma and Sally? I mean, Amy? RORY I stomped on Pickle! It's bad. POPPY Oh, it can't be that bad. ANGIE Where is she? GRAHAM Over here. H-How does she look? ALL GRAHAM I held her. I saw he drifting away. ANGIE Yeah. Sniff the scarf, honey. You're okay. WILL Hey, Lil G. How're you holding up? GRAHAM Not great, Big Dubs. Can I get a hit of that sweatshirt. WILL Sure. ANGIE Hey, Will. Doesn't Sophie need you? WILL No, she does not. When it comes to pets, she's always been my rock. WILL ? Amazing grace ? ? How s ? SOPHIE Flush it. It's a goldfish. WILL He was also my son. WILL He's in a better place now. DOUGLAS AMY This machine took our gummy worms! EMMA We got to buy a second one to push the first one out! DOUGLAS No, no, no. You do that, they win. MIGGY Hey, boss. B-b-boss. Man, I'm so psyched about my first day. I've been studying so much about wine. RORY Miggy, I hate to stifle your enthusiasm, but a life hangs in the balance. We've been waiting for too long. GRAHAM Oh, God. Is Pickle gonna be okay? ANGIE Yeah, sweetie, I'm 100% positive that Pickle is gonna be fine. DOCTOR Pickle is dead. GRAHAM MIGGY What? DOCTOR Who's the owner? EMMA Finally! AMY Yay! Take that big vending machine! DOUGLAS Today, the good guys win. RORY Listen, girls. Pickle didn't make it. I'm so sorry. I don't think they heard me. Pickle died. She's as dead as Versace. She left this world. She gone. AMY What a gummy worm? POPPY Douglas, they're not reacting to the death. DOUGLAS That's called resilience, and your kid could use a little of that. POPPY You want to step in here? DOUGLAS Okay. POPPY Yeah. DOUGLAS You got it. Get it together, Rory. This is more embarrassing than anything else that's going on in this hospital, and that includes that dog over there that's dressed like Barbara Streisand. ANGIE Hey, buddy. What are you doing? GRAHAM Googling "how to make sure no one ever dies + easy steps + 2018." ANGIE Sweetie, look at me. I'm gonna be here for a very, very long time, okay? GRAHAM I'm worried about Will. ANGIE Will? ANGIE Why is my kid worrying about you dying? He's known you for a month. He shouldn't care if you die. WILL We should all care if anyone dies. ANGIE Why are you suddenly best friends with my kid? It's weird. WILL We like all the same movies and magazines and have a kind of undeniable chemistry. But I don't want to step on your toes. I-I will back off. Right after the colonoscopy. ANGIE What? WILL Well, Graham read that colonoscopies help prevent death, and he knows that my grandfather died from colon cancer, so I told him I'd get one. Look, I had a colonoscopy on the books, and I just moved it up when I saw how much it meant to Graham. ANGIE Your colon shouldn't mean anything to Graham. He shouldn't want you to be getting a tube up your butt. The only butt he should care about is mine. WILL It is, okay? You know how fickle kids are. He's probably already over me. GRAHAM Hey, Will. I was just thinking about you. Lets try the hand shake. Slap it, bump it, chicken wing. WILL Being best friends is our thing. I pumped up your ball for you. GRAHAM Thanks! You're the best! Oh, hey, Mom. MIGGY Ooh! Day one realness! POPPY Oh, yeah. And I love that tie. MIGGY I got it at the drugstore. POPPY Okay. Cool. Oh, watch out, Miggy. Here come the regulars. They call themselves The Winebrarians. Don't call them a group. They identify as a collective. MIGGY Oh. POPPY Bess, Franny, Lil, meet Miggy. BESS You hired a man? FANNY Did he make you do this? LIL He better not hit on us. POPPY Ladies, I know the Winebrary has a feminist mission, but we need male allies. MIGGY Exactly. I love women. And not just the hot ones. FRANNY Oh, my God. POPPY Okay. Maybe don't talk to them. MIGGY Okay. POPPY Yeah. ANGIE Hey, guess what, hotshot? I'm getting a colonoscopy. My butt beats your butt. I got the number one butt. GYM TEACHER Yeah, you do. WILL You're better than that, Mr. Withers! ANGIE When's your colonoscopy appointment? WILL Next month. ANGIE Ha! Mine's at 400 P.M. today. Suck on that. WILL What is that? ANGIE Pre-colonoscopy smoothie. It tastes just like a regular smoothie, except it's disgusting, and I love it. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a colonoscopy to get to. WILL You know that they put you out of the procedure, and you need someone to drive you home, right? ANGIE Of course I know that. WILL You want a ride? ANGIE Yes. Obviously. DOUGLAS Where the hell is Poppy? I-I'm off the clock. I got emails to do. All right, kids, scatter, mingle, have fun. RORY Listen, girls, I am truly, truly humbled that you would allow me, the murderer, to plan Pickle's funeral here. Tonight. EMMA Was there another option? RORY Sophie, how're we looking on that in memoriam slideshow? SOPHIE Not good. The deadline has passed, and I only got two pictures from my dad. And one was a poorly aimed selfie. Miggy? MIGGY Soph, what's good? SOPHIE What's going on? Are you hiding? MIGGY No. I'm just crouching and thinking. SOPHIE Sure. MIGGY It turns out there is a really big part of my job that I forgot to learn. MIGGY Ladies, it's wine time! SOPHIE You can't use a corkscrew? MIGGY It's super hard. Maybe those ladies won't notice there's no wine 'cause their books are so good. FRANNY You see I don't have any wine, right? You guys see that? LIL Yeah. Yeah. BESS Waiter. SOPHIE Yeah, I don't think that plan has legs. MIGGY I agree. POPPY Hey, Miggy. How's it going? MIGGY Popping and pouring. Corks don't scare me. POPPY Good. Sophie, I'm gonna get you that picture of Pickle, I promise. SOPHIE Not holding my breath. POPPY Rory, I should've given you a budget for this funeral. That was on me. RORY Come on. Let's check out the veil I ordered on Amazon. This baby's lace. They claim. POPPY Looks like Pickle's gonna be buried in Gwyneth Paltrow's Shakespeare in Love Oscar dress. DOUGLAS Your kid's obsessed with death. POPPY Yeah, well, it's not healthy to bottle in sad feelings. DOUGLAS Well, bred my girls to handle feelings the way I do repress, replace, move on. We never have emotional conversations. POPPY Oh, that can't be true. What about when you talk about their mom? DOUGLAS We don't talk about it. POPPY You mean never? DOUGLAS That's one of my biggest triumph's as a parent. That and getting them to think that it's their job to make my bed. Yeah. On holidays, they-they put a little seasonal candy right on my pillow. That's a nice touch. POPPY Douglas, Emma and Amy deserve a safe space where they can express their feelings and ask questions. They're little girls whose mom died. DOUGLAS Really, Poppy? Okay, thanks for the update. You know what? I think I need a safe space where I can parent my kids the way I think fit without being lectured by a woman whose son is treating a rodent like it's JFK. POPPY So you're just running away? DOUGLAS Gonna do what I should've done in the first place repress, replace, move on. All right, girls, get in the Benz. We're gonna go to the pet store and buy a new pig thing. DOUGLAS Okay, look alive, ladies. We're gonna get a new guinea pig. Let's not stay too long, or else we're gonna smell like pets. AMY Let's motor. EMMA Efficiency. POPPY That's what you want? Robots with braids? DOUGLAS But they're doing better than your kid. RORY I killed your sister. Can you forgive me? POPPY Fine. Keep doing what you're doing. Repress, replace, move on. That's how you want your kids to handle the loss of their pet. DOUGLAS Yep. POPPY And the loss of their mom. DOUGLAS You got it. POPPY Is that how you dealt with it? I'm starting to think you didn't deal with it at all. DOUGLAS It's easier this way. EMMA Dad! We got one! AMY We're gonna call her Pickle! DOUGLAS B-But this isn't Pickle. EMMA Who cares? It'll be like the other Pickle never existed. AMY Yeah, dad. Like you said repress, replace, move on. POPPY Yeah. Like you said. Douglas, are you okay? DOUGLAS No, I'm not. Okay? I'm-I'm upset, actually. POPPY And why are you upset? DOUGLAS I'm upset because this guinea pig is a total loser. I mean, look at him. We have to find a better one. RAJ I was about to go on break. DOUGLAS No, you're not gonna go on break, Raj. Not until we find a perfect replacement for Pickle. I don't care if we have to stay all night. RAJ We only have seven to choose from. DOUGLAS Well, we'll start there. MIGGY It's about to be lit. Dang. SOPHIE You still can't use a corkscrew, can you? MIGGY Ah. Shh. They'll hear you, okay? Look, I don't know what to do. I already used up all my best methods of distraction. MIGGY So I understood the first Women's March, but what was the second one about? FRANNY LIL The organizers didn't have the resources. BESS You don't get to ask that. FRANNY Yeah, I don't know, but the third one is coming straight to your house. LIL Yeah. MIGGY I'm gonna watch this "Corkscrews for Dummies" video on YouTube one more time and just pray for a miracle. SOPHIE You do that, and I'm gonna go use my best method of distraction. SOPHIE I'm thinking of being a princess for Halloween. Thoughts? BESS Thoughts. LIL Do you want to live in a box? FRANNY Do you want to make change in the world? LIL Oh, honey, sit. DOUGLAS Is this one even American? All right, do you have any others in the back? RAJ No, sir. We don't keep secret extra guinea pigs in the back of the store. Have you had a chance to check out our leash selection? DOUGLAS Oh, goodie! A leash! Maybe I'll take one home and call it Pickle, and I'll feed it little gem lettuce. Do any of your guinea pigs even eat little gems? EMMA Dad, we don't have to get a new guinea pig today. AMY Yeah, we found a cool leash with rhinestones to buy instead. DOUGLAS But a leash is not a guinea pig! Attention! POPPY Douglas. Douglas. DOUGLAS Attention, everybody. It's important you know this. It is possible that any one of these animals can die at any moment, and this god forsaken rat farm will not guarantee a replacement! POPPY Yeah, put it. Yeah. RAJ I can get that. DOUGLAS I know what I'm doing. POPPY You just got to. DOUGLAS I'm taking the leash! And I hope it comes out of your paycheck, Raj. ANGIE "Procedure may cause tear in rectum wall?" "Photos may be used for teaching purposes?" WOMAN ON PA Paging Dr. Stateman. Dr. Stateman please. WILL Just checking in. ANGIE Mm. WILL Also, there's a guy in the waiting room that keeps telling me and Graham about his GERD. ANGIE Oh, yeah? Well, I'm just reading about colonoscopy risks, and one is death, so yeah, thanks a lot. WILL What? I didn't force you to get an emergency midday colonoscopy. ANGIE You basically did. I am defending my honor as Graham's mother. WILL All right, that's it. I'll accept the blame for a lot of things Sophie's flat feet, the lack of coverage on Hurricane Nate- it was a category one, we had bigger fish to fry- ANGIE Okay, I don't understand. Are you a weather man? WILL How many times do I have to say it? It's very simple. I'm a stay-at-home weather researcher. ANGIE Oh. WILL But I will not accept the blame for you sitting here in a very see-through robe- I apologize- waiting to get a colonoscopy. Is it weird that I was gonna get one for Graham? yes. But isn't it weirder that you were threatened by that? ANGIE Of course I was threatened. It feels like you're trying to be a father figure to my son, and I'm the only person he needs. I'm his father and his mother. Last Father's Day, I took myself out to a dope-ass brunch and bought military fiction in hard copy. I. I want to be enough for him. WILL You are. You're doing a great job as the dad. ANGIE WILL Honestly. You give off angry dad vibes all the time. Like, I'm looking at your face right now, and I'm like, "That dad is pissed." ANGIE Sorry I overreacted today. WILL No, you didn't overreact. ANGIE I've just never seem Graham legitimately bond with a man before. It's freaking me out. He's never met his father. Yeah. WILL Angie, you have to know that you're Graham's whole world. The undeniable chemistry that he and I have is no match for the love he has for you. ANGIE Can you please stop calling it undeniable chemistry? WILL I have to call it what it is. ANGIE I don't need a colonoscopy. This was a crazy move. WILL Yeah. ANGIE I feel better. Really calm. NURSE Well, the sedative should've fully kicked in. It's showtime. ANGIE Oh, my God. I'm getting a colonoscopy. WILL You totally are. It's oddly inspiring. You're a great dad, Angie! SOPHIE Okay, this year, for Halloween, I will be Pingyang, Chinese warrior princess born in 598 AD. LIL And you let me know if you need to borrow my sword. BESS I think our work here is done. LIL Mm-hmm. BESS To Pingyang. LIL Yes. FRANNY To Pingyang! LIL No. FRANNY All right, where's our wine? LIL He never filled our glass! FRANNY I want wine! SOPHIE Miggy! Did the vide work? MIGGY No. Look. SOPHIE You're bleeding! FRANNY What's going on? Are you waiting for a man to come buy us drinks? BESS Are you ignoring us because you don't see us as sexual beings? LIL Oh, no. MIGGY No, you're very sexual. How can I see you as anything but? FRANNY Well, what are you waiting on, then? What's going on? Do I need to jump over this counter and get my own wine? MIGGY Please don't hurt me. Whoa, whoa, whoa. SOPHIE He can't use a corkscrew, okay?! BESS Oh, my goodness. Making a child defend you? Please. No one is that stupid. MIGGY I am. I am that stupid. There's $1,000 of broken wine bottles in the trash to prove it. FRANNY Oh. MIGGY And it sucks 'cause I really want to crush this job. Poppy's the best person in the world. And that includes this dude Dwayne you guys don't know. And for some reason she believes in me, and I want to give her a reason to believe. But I can't, so it's time for me to hang up my wine tie. I don't think I deserve this job. LIL Oh. Oh, God. It's a clip-on. FRANNY What happened to that boy? BESS We have to help him, don't we? FRANNY Yeah, we do. LIL FRANNY Screw time. BESS Screw time. MIGGY BESS Come on, twist it. FRANNY Come on, come on. Don't be afraid to make a little noise. LIL Get your legs involved. SOPHIE Clockwise, clockwise, dummy. ALL MIGGY Okay. ALL MIGGY I almost got it. Ah! ALL MIGGY Yes! BESS Thank God. MIGGY My tie. Thank you. I did it! POPPY Hey. What's everyone cheering about? BESS We're cheering because Miggy is so great. FRANNY First straight man I've ever respected. LIL Also, whose kid is this? MIGGY Miggy! ALL POPPY Yeah. He's one of the good ones. RORY Hello, welcome. Please remember that this is not a funeral. It's a celebration of life. SOPHIE Daddy! WILL Sophie! I can't wait to see the slideshow. SOPHIE You can wait. Trust me. ANGIE Oh, can I get a "womp womp?" WILL Huh. ANGIE Whose birthday party is this anyway? SOPHIE What's wrong with your mom? GRAHAM She got a colonoscopy today for pretty much no reason. DOUGLAS To the brim. MIGGY I got you. Sorry. POPPY We should talk about what happened at the pet store. I'm worried. DOUGLAS Oh, me, too. Raj is so bad at his job. Okay, I had a breakdown at a pet store on Cahuenga. Maybe you're right I I haven't dealt with Rose's death. It was all a blur, you know. She died, and I had ten-month-old twins. They were teething. It was scarier than the draft. I didn't have time to grieve. I was doing the best I could. They were so little. POPPY Douglas, what you did was amazing, but they're not little anymore. They're they're looking to you for guidance. SONG ? Ave Maria ? SOPHIE It's all I had. RORY Thank you all for coming. If you are moved to speak about Pickle, please do so. ANGIE I want to say something. Life is crazy. I just got a colonoscopy. And the results are in. I got an A-plus butt. Yep. Will's got a butt, too. I'm down with that. I guess a lot of us have butts when you really think about it. We're not that different after all. RIP Pickle. You were one hell of a cat. That's all. RORY Thank you, Angie. Now I'll share. Pickle was funny, kind, and my God could she nap. GRAHAM RORY The pet store says the price of a guinea pig is $25, but you can't put a price on Pickle. I don't know what it all means, but I do know one thing Heaven just got a little furrier and a lot cuter. Good night, sweet princess. Now I would like to invite Pickle's two moms, Emma and Amy up to the podium. DOUGLAS Girls. Look, it turns out you can't replace a pet, or people. And it's important to remember her, and it's okay to feel something. Okay? So if you feel like you want to speak, then you should speak. EMMA Pickle was a guinea pig. AMY She was brown and white. EMMA She liked cardboard. AMY Once, she sneezed and it sounded stupid. EMMA She would eat like this. DOUGLAS They're really opening up. EMMA Also, Rory, we forgive you. RORY Thank you. I think Pickle would want me to dance again. Miggy, drop the beat. POPPY Oh, go Rory. SOPHIE Oh, okay, okay. Awesome. ANGIE Ugh. Stop. DOUGLAS I want you to know more about your mom. Which means I need to start talking about her, so here we go. I'll tell you everything. Beginning with the first place we met. Right here. It was love at first sight. AMY Hot Twists! That's so cool. Did she make pretzels? DOUGLAS Not exactly. EMMA Was she a professional Twister player? DOUGLAS In a way. AMY I bet that's why we're to good at Twister. EMMA Tell us more about her. AMY Yeah. Take it away, big guy. DOUGLAS Well, as you know her real name was Rose, but her stage name was Rosé.