ALL AMY ANGIE BABY BOTH COP_1 COP_2 DIEGO DOUGLAS EMMA GRAHAM GROUP HEATHER KIDS MAN MIGGY MISS_ADAMS OFFICER PARENTS POPPY RORY SOPHIE TY WILL ZOE WILL So you're the only new kid. Big deal, all right. You are gonna crush first grade, Soph. SOPHIE Thanks, Dad. WILL A-And in case you do get nervous, I got you something special A magical amulet. Nothing bad can happen to you when you got this guy on. Careful! Ooh! Don't let the magic out. SOPHIE Did you make this out of Post-It's? WILL No. Yes. SOPHIE It's gonna be way worse for me if I'm wearing sticky notes around my neck. I'm good on my own. WILL You're good on your own? SOPHIE Yeah. See you at pick up. WILL Okay. Bye. SOPHIE Bye. WILL ? I've been standing at the edge of the water ? ? Long as I can remember ? ? Never really knowing what... ? SOPHIE Are you whisper-singing Moana at me? WILL Well, yeah, 'cause it always calms you down. But not now. Bad timing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on. Read the room, right? Okay. You got this. Bye. I love you. SOPHIE Bye. ANGIE It's gonna be fun. GRAHAM What if I miss you? ANGIE Look, buddy, we talked about this. It's only six hours. You're gonna do great. GRAHAM Can I have your scarf? ANGIE Graham, we're not doing the scarf thing. GRAHAM Please! It helps when I have something of yours to sniff. ANGIE Look, I don't want you sitting at your desk during recess sniffing my stuff. Okay, fine. But you're gonna eat vegetables tonight. The green bummer ones. GRAHAM Mmm. Like coconuts and safety. RORY Mom, I'm regretting the purple. I should've dressed like a normal kid. POPPY Hey, what's the one thing you always have to be? RORY Myself. POPPY And who are you? RORY Honestly, Mom, I don't even know right now. POPPY Hey, you are a smart, stylish young man who could pull off jewel tones better than anyone I know. And you can cut a rug. RORY Okay. Today I am a grape! POPPY You heard him. My kid's living his truth. EMMA Dad! You forgot our lunchboxes. DOUGLAS Okay. Okay, tell you what. Take 20 bucks and buy yourself a burger from the grill. Huh? AMY Dad, this isn't the club. There's no grill. DOUGLAS Right. Here, sweetheart. Get yourself some crap with a rainbow on it. My kid's taking your lunch. No one ever packed any snacks. Make it work. EMMA Dad, you can't call girls "sweethearts." AMY It's not empowering. DOUGLAS Okay, let me tell you what is empowering Fending for yourself. Kids today, they're treated like morons. But not you two. I would share a foxhole with both of you, and that is the highest compliment I can give you. All right, hit me with the family motto. EMMA No weakness! AMY Drain the swamp! MISS ADAMS Excuse me, sir? Are you supposed to be here? Do you have a child in this class? POPPY Oh, uh he's my neighbor. He's 20 and he's raising a baby alone. He hasn't fully accepted that his life has changed forever, you know? MISS ADAMS Yeah, um, I'm not running a support group. ANGIE You're a little mean. I like it. BABY MIGGY Where am I? Oh, I had the strangest dream. Oh. MISS ADAMS Sir, I'm gonna ask you to leave. DOUGLAS He goes where we go. Here you go. Get yourself something nice. MISS ADAMS I can't accept tips. DOUGLAS Okay, it, uh, dropped on the floor. KIDS WILL Attention. Excuse me. Hello, hi. Quiet, coyotes. Quiet, coyotes. Thank you. My name is Will Cooper, and I have the honor of being your Room Parent. PARENTS Oh, how exciting / Nice. ANGIE Oh, no. POPPY Ooh, this is bad. DOUGLAS Is he wearing a necklace made of garbage? WILL Uh Sophie and I are new to the school, and we are so looking forward to getting to know every one of you. I am single. Um I was trying to get that out there, just never quite sure how to work it in. But that just means I have more time for creating a little hot lunch option I call Taco Tuesday, y'all! You right! MIGGY Did he just Oprah that? POPPY He knows he's white, right? ANGIE Everybody knows. WILL Ah! Give me fives! All right! DOUGLAS Somebody tell me when it's safe for my nuts to return to my body. WILL Now I see a lot of you are wondering, "where do I fit into the equation?" Five words one hundred percent parent participation. ANGIE He's got to be kidding. PARENTS WILL I am not kidding. POPPY Not happening. WILL I'm gonna be standing right outside that door with this sign-up sheet. Okay? DOUGLAS This is what's become of the American male. We used to make things. POPPY Yeah, but see, Douglas, he's single, we're single. ANGIE No. I've never been that single. WILL Do not try to avoid me 'cause I will hunt you down and circle you like a shark. KIDS ANGIE Okay, guys, we need to talk babysitting. I'll need help Thursday because all the paralegals are going out to karaoke. Just kidding, we're staying late to file. MIGGY On Thursday I'm busy. I got to Gram my new Yeezy's. DOUGLAS You're a ridiculous person. MIGGY Thanks, man. POPPY Well, at least he doesn't eat steak with the same pasty old white guys night after night. DOUGLAS We're not pasty old white guys. We're dermatologists saving the lives of pasty old white guys. ANGIE You guys, I need some help. I found this in Graham's backpack. POPPY Aw, Graham wrote a love letter. MIGGY Aw! POPPY Oh, no. To Zoe? That girl who always wears bunny ears? ANGIE Yes. She's crazy. POPPY She runs the school. ANGIE And if she breaks Graham's heart, I will chop off her feet and turn them into keychains. POPPY Huh? ANGIE Just kidding. But I'll be really mad. POPPY Oh, God. The new guy. WILL Field trips? Actually, are you insured drivers? ANGIE We have got to deal with him. POPPY ANGIE I have no time to be handing out tacos all year. POPPY No. MIGGY All right. DOUGLAS I'm still in awe of how you did away with last year's Room Parent. POPPY You wiped all trace of us from that phone tree. ANGIE It's kind of my thing. WILL Parents! Will Cooper. I just wanted to, uh, circle back and see where we are vis-à-vis committees. DOUGLAS You know, let me say it plain. We're not gonna do anything you want us to do. ANGIE No, man. WILL Huh. ANGIE We're single parents. We don't volunteer. We just try and survive until a time in the day when it's appropriate to open wine. WILL I don't know if you heard my announcement, but I am single as well. GROUP We heard. / We heard. / We heard, bro. WILL So I have no wiggle room on parent participation. ANGIE You're in deep. Aren't you? WILL Deep in what? ANGIE The vortex. That place where you're so wrapped up in your kid that you've lost all touch with your adult life and the person you used to be. I know 'cause I've been there. ANGIE ? The wheels on the bus go round and round ? ? Round and round ? ? Round and round ? ? The wheels on the bus go round and round ? ANGIE It happens to all of us. WILL I don't think I'm in a vortex. MIGGY ANGIE Well, when was the last time you stayed up past 1000? WILL In the nighttime? POPPY Okay, when's the last time you made love? WILL Oh, my. POPPY It's okay. There's no judgment here. This is a safe space. ANGIE Yeah, just tell us. MIGGY That's for real. WILL Yeah? ANGIE Just ballpark. WILL All right, ball park give or take a month. It's been about five years. POPPY Oh, baby, no. MIGGY No! Got to take a lap. ANGIE God. DOUGLAS Dang. WILL You guys said that this was a safe space. MIGGY Not that safe. ANGIE You know, what you need is a date. Poppy. POPPY There. I made you a Tinder account. WILL How did you? Is that my face on Putin's body? POPPY Pushing you into the deep end, Will. That's how we do this. WILL If I'm being honest, the timing's not great. It's 120 days till Christmas. POPPY You're gonna hide behind that sign-up sheet, or am I swiping right? WILL I've got Room Parent responsibilities. ANGIE Come on! Swipe! DOUGLAS There's no investment either way. ANGIE Swipe! Swipe! Swipe! POPPY Swipe! Swipe! Swipe! MIGGY Swipe! Swipe! Swipe! WILL I've never done something like this before, okay? ANGIE Swipe! Swipe! Swipe! POPPY Swipe! Swipe! Swipe! MIGGY Swipe! Swipe! Swipe! WILL You know what? Do it. Swipe left! POPPY Swipe right. WILL It's swipe right, and you just said that. Sorry. ANGIE Okay, okay, okay. We got Emma. We got Amy. We got Rory. We got Graham. Who are you? Wrong van, kid. Get out of here. Beat it. WILL Angie, hey. Will Cooper from yesterday. So, tonight's date night. RORY Ooh! AMY Remember, a real man pays for dinner. WILL Is that true? I mean, I don't know. By 2018 stand. ANGIE Uh. GRAHAM Will, I say this with an open heart and nothing but love, you're a disaster. RORY Preach. WILL I-I don't know if I'm a disaster. I mean, yes, I'm experiencing some anxiety, but that's normal, okay? And I just. ANGIE Will I don't have time for this. WILL Go. ANGIE We got you the date, and now I have to babysit everyone else's kids so I can have a Saturday night to drink champagne out of a can and watch a bird documentary. WILL Okay. 'Cause I was actually coming over to say, I could babysit today if you want. ANGIE We'll be there in 15 minutes. WILL Oh. Cool. TY Yo, why'd you bring your baby to the sneaker line? MIGGY Because free babysitting doesn't just fall off the sky. Oh, snap. Free babysitting. All right, yo. Hey, be right back. DIEGO What? MIGGY Okay? I'm-I'ma come back. Hold my spot. I'll be back without the baby. Just me. Hold my spot! WILL Welcome, dudes! Will Cooper! SOPHIE You guys want to go play in my room? The theme is "tasteful unicorn." ANGIE Thanks a lot. We'll be back in a few. Good God! MIGGY Every chair's a bean bag. There's no chair that isn't a bean bag. ANGIE All chairs currently have beans. Indoor trampoline. WILL So they can bounce when it's raining. ANGIE Will, sit down. What are you gonna wear on your date tonight? WILL This. ANGIE Oh, God. MIGGY Oh, you're serious. WILL Or, or I do have another option. Shorts. BABY MIGGY Y-Your pants are making my baby cry, man. ANGIE Make it stop. Make it all stop. WILL Oh, here. Oh, I know. I know. Rock, squat, pause. Rock, squat, pause. Aw. There we go. MIGGY Oh, my God. What did you do? WILL It's a little something I call, "Rock, Squat, Pause." MIGGY Pus? WILL No. Rock, squat. ANGIE Pus. WILL Listen, rock, squat, pause. MIGGY P-p. WILL Pause. Pause. MIGGY Oh, pause. WILL Say it with me. Rock. ANGIE Never. MIGGY Nah, man. What if I learn to do that and then I haven't had sex in five years, and I'm wearing pants that zip off into shorts? Give me my baby. WILL Ah, you guys, you're right. I-I I'm clearly not ready, okay. I-I say we put the brakes on the date tonight, okay? Just until after Taco Tuesday's figured out. I want to keep that guac from browning. ANGIE No. No. Focus. WILL There's honestly a lot of fear that's creeping in. ANGIE Take a deep breath. WILL ANGIE You're going on this date. WILL Good. I'm excited about that. DOUGLAS Okay, so just making sure you're gonna be taking Emma and Amy tonight, because I'm getting together with my dermatologist pals. POPPY Oh, Rory wanted me to ask you to come to his dance party tonight. DOUGLAS Aw, what a sweetheart. Pass. POPPY I told you, he's going through a thing. He won't even wear his favorite leotard to school 'cause he's scared other kids will make fun of him. DOUGLAS Well, of course they're gonna make fun of him. When I was a boy, I got beaten up for smiling at a basketball game. POPPY All right, look. I don't know why, but my kid likes you, okay? And in case you haven't noticed, he doesn't have another man in his life, so... why don't you just show up for him? DOUGLAS I don't dance, okay? Especially with guys. You know, I still can't wrap my head around this place. Why does every book have to be on yoga and menopause? POPPY Douglas you are why we march. ANGIE Oh, God. MIGGY Yo, why do we have to do this again? ANGIE I just don't want to send him out into the world like this. I mean, it would be a crime. It's like leaving a baby on a doorstep and hoping for the best. Miggy? MIGGY Hmm? ANGIE You can't actually do that. MIGGY I knew that. ANGIE Just checking. MIGGY Hm. ANGIE I just don't want him to bomb his date and start harassing us again about hot lunch. This is the third pair of earmuffs I have found. Who hurt this guy? WILL "Zoe, I want to hug you and give you all my gum." That's a great start. GRAHAM I've been in love with Zoe since day one of kindergarten. Then she put those bunny ears on, stick a fork in me, I'm done. WILL It's your first love. That's a big deal. It's exciting. You shouldn't be afraid to let your feelings out. GRAHAM Exactly. That's how I want to play it with Zoe. Raw, open, positive. Oh, by the way, don't let my mom scare you about the date tonight. She doesn't believe in love because my dad is kind of a garbage human. WILL That's good to know. But I'm gonna cut you off on the juice boxes, 'kay, bud. RORY Hey, Will. Angie says I have to give you a makeover. This is my Everest. ANGIE Oh, my God! WILL Angie, are you hurt? ANGIE Why do you have this? WILL Honestly, I've never seen that before in my life. ANGIE Dude, your wallet is in here. And a bag of popcorn that's still hot. You've used this today. WILL Yeah, I use it for snacks, okay? Nobody ever tells dad's what to do about snacks, and this is a good snack holder. It was actually my wife's before she left. ANGIE Oh. I'm sorry. Do you think that maybe there's a reason- I don't know, just throwing it out there-- that this is the bag she didn't take when she left? WILL ANGIE Do you miss her? WILL No. But I miss having someone. And not just for the bad stuff, or hard stuff, or whatever, but-but for all the good things. Like, when she lost her first tooth, and when she told her first joke, and the week she demanded I called her "Jelly Bean Teen Machine." Nobody tells you how lonely it can be. ANGIE One time, I made a boyfriend out of a pile of laundry. Then I rolled around in him. WILL ANGIE It wasn't built to last. BOTH ANGIE But when you have kids, something happens to you. You become mush. WILL Mm. ANGIE But you got to hide that. That's what I tell Graham. Otherwise, that little weirdo's gonna get his heart broken. WILL I honestly don't know if I'm capable of hiding my mush. I mean, you guys are lucky, you have each other to look out for one another, but it's just me. Do you ever look at each other and go, "It takes a villa" ANGIE Don't say it. Just throw out the bag. POPPY Hey. Did Angie text you her plan? DOUGLAS Yeah, we help him get ready for the date, and then we never have to volunteer. Hello, ladies. EMMA Hi, Dad. AMY Hey, Dad. POPPY Hey, girls. What are you doing? AMY Will's floor mats. Would it kill him to shampoo them once in a while? DOUGLAS People don't think that kids can buff and wax, but they're the perfect height. RORY Before I can commit to a blazer, ask yourself, can this man pull off this vest? I mean, he doesn't have the arms, but, you know, he might have the attitude. DOUGLAS No. No vest. For the love of God, no vest. POPPY Vest. Mm-hmm. Vest. RORY Maybe this wants to live here. For tonight's dance party. WILL I'm seeing it. RORY ? Dance party! ? DOUGLAS Oh, okay. EMMA Forget it. We've been trying to get him to sing and dance for years. DOUGLAS They're right. Uh, I'm sorry, kid, but I'm not going to the party. RORY That's okay. Maybe next time. POPPY Nice, Douglas. Real nice. Rory, I'll wear your vest. DOUGLAS What? RORY You don't have the right torso for a vest, Mom. Stop trying to make it happen. WILL Ah, I get it, Doug. DOUGLAS Douglas. WILL Afraid to risk embarrassing yourself, but that's the greatest part of parenting. It's- it gets you out of your comfort zone. DOUGLAS Look, I'm not interested in leaving my comfort zone, and I haven't been since my wife died. WILL Aw. DOUGLAS No, no, no. I see you want to hug me, and I'm gonna have to stop you right there. WILL I can't imagine losing your best friend. DOUGLAS She was a 26-year-old exotic dancer. She looked great in pants. WILL Ain't love a funny thing? DOUGLAS Anyway, I said, okay, I'll have kids, thinking I would change one diaper and get dementia right before they hit their teens. Instead, she dropped dead and left me with two baby girls. The point is I don't need any more surprises. WILL All right, but it's never too late to try something new. I think it'd be good for you, Doug. DOUGLAS Douglas. WILL I think it'd be good for your girls. You don't have to go at it alone. I can be your friend, Doug. DOUGLAS Douglas. It's Douglas, and I don't need any more friends. The only reason why any of us are here is so we can get out of volunteering. WILL Wait, hold on. Angie, is that true? ANGIE Look. WILL I told you about Jelly Bean Teen Machine. ANGIE Wait. We wanted to help you. I mean, we do now. WILL No, it's fine. Honestly. We're not friends. Which is actually a good thing 'cause now I can admit I didn't throw away the mermaid bag. I hid it in the petticoat of Barbie B. Anthony. DOUGLAS A man with a mermaid bag. I blame Obama. WILL I don't know how to cover up my mush. But maybe that's not a bad thing. Maybe you guys could actually use a little bit more mush. ANGIE Will, I will hand out tacos. WILL No. Don't, okay? It's just disappointing. I thought I'd finally found a group that I could share this with. It takes a vil- DOUGLAS Don't say it. WILL Takes a villa ANGIE Stop! MIGGY Come on. WILL Well, thanks for getting me a date, which I now have to go on. Sophie, I'm taking you to Nana's. It takes a village. Ha. I did it. GRAHAM Dang, girl. I just love you. ANGIE I love you too, honey. And also, you told me five minutes ago. GRAHAM No, I was reading over an email to Zoe. I think it's good. Send. ANGIE What? You sent? GRAHAM Got to put yourself out there. Will gets it. He told me to go for it. WILL That was a really fun dinner. I loved when you looked up from your phone. But it is good that you got to Facetime with your sister. You guys worked through so many issues. HEATHER Should we make out now? WILL Okay. Mwah, mwah. Oh, wow. This is happening. HEATHER Take your pants off. WILL Get these jeans down. There we go. Okay. HEATHER Ah. WILL Oh. Oh, the touch of a woman. I love you. HEATHER You what? WILL Good night. Oh, my keys. Heather, please open the door. Please let me in. I need to come in to your apartment. I'm just a dad who says "I love you" a thousand times a day, and that's not a bad thing. Hi, are you in there? I don't love you. I'm not even sure I like you. HEATHER Yuck. WILL My keys are inside! Heath- Will Cooper. ANGIE How could you tell Graham to put himself out there? He's gonna get hurt. Wait, why are you answering? Aren't you supposed to be on a date? WILL Well. I let out my mush. And now there's mush all over this lady's apartment, and my keys are locked inside. You guys were right, I can't do this. But maybe that's a good thing because I actually like being single. It's gonna give me more time to figure out Sophie's Halloween costume. She's going as a princess, but I have to find my own spin on that. ANGIE Are those sirens? WILL Yeah, but they're not for me. OFFICER Sir, don't move. WILL Oh, they are for me. ANGIE Oh, oh, my God!. Will. Will. Will, what's going on? WILL Hello, officers. Will Cooper. ANGIE Miggy, emergency! Get in! DIEGO Dude, tell your weird parent friends to stay away. We got to earn respect on the sneaker line. BABY DOUGLAS So, I cut off the skin tag- MAN DOUGLAS on the green and I still managed to make a birdie. ALL POPPY Douglas. Will's in trouble, we gotta go. DOUGLAS POPPY I'm the only babysitter you got. And I'm not afraid to go on strike. WILL My Ex- She's in the sedan. She's a human rights lawyer. She's doing great work a-a-and you know, I don't fault her for that. I just- I-I never imagined raising a child on my own. And I think part of me still feels like she's coming back. ANGIE Dude. She's not coming back. We all got left. But we're not alone. POPPY Officers, let him go. He's not dangerous. Look at his shoes. He's wearing Keds. COP 1 His keds are not the issue, ma'am. RORY But they are an issue. DOUGLAS Look, he didn't hurt anyone. Let's forget about this, officers? Go ahead, get yourself something nice. I know what you make. COP 1 Sir, put the money away. You. Come with us. WILL I-I'm so sorry. Sophie. Hey. SOPHIE Dad. I know I said I didn't need the song anymore, but. WILL Of course. ? I've been staring at the edge of the water ? ? long as I can remember ? ? never really knowing why ? DOUGLAS ? I wish I could be the perfect daughter ? ? but I go back to the water no matter how hard I try ? DOUGLAS ? See the light where the sky meets the sea ? ? it calls me ? ? And no one knows ? ? How far it goes ? WILL ? See the light where the sky meets the sea ? ? it calls me ? ? And no one knows ? ? How far it goes ? EMMA I knew it. He knows all the words. WILL ? What's beyond that line ? ? will I cross that line ? ? The line in the sky meets the sea ? ? it calls me ? AMY That beautiful bastard. DOUGLAS Rory? WILL ? And no one knows ? How far it goes. ? DOUGLAS Would you like to dance? RORY The answer is always yes. WILL ? If the wind in my sail on the sea stays behind me ? ? One day I'll know ? ? How far I'll go ? POPPY You're looking so good, Rory! COP 2 What's happening? Who are these people? WILL They're my village. ALL No... Boo... / Ew... / You ruined it. SOPHIE Dad, you gotta tighten up. KIDS ANGIE Look at you not asking for a scarf. Soph. DOUGLAS Go- DOUGLAS Weakness! EMMA Weakness! DOUGLAS Yes- Ow. Rory. RORY Douglas. WILL Rock, squat, pause. Rock, squat, pause. MIGGY Rock, squat, pause. Rock, squat, pause. MIGGY And- WILL Pause is the bounce. ANGIE MIGGY Oh the bounce. ANGIE Guys. Zoe. She's going for Graham. Don't let the bunny ears fool you, she's a cold blooded killer! WILL Hey, hey, hey. Hang on. He's got this. ZOE I got your email. It shook me to my core. ANGIE She likes him. That Easter freak likes him. I can't! Oh, and they're sharing gum. That's huge. It's gross. WILL It is gross. ANGIE But it's- it's huge. WILL I told you Mush works. WILL And from now on, I will eat at restaurants that don't give out crayons. ANGIE MIGGY ch-yeah! POPPY Thank god. WILL I'm gonna maybe start drinking coffee after 400 PM. ANGIE POPPY Dayum. MIGGY Yes. DOUGLAS Sounds fine. WILL I am out of the vortex! ALL Yeah! Oh. DOUGLAS Okay. Don't go up the slide. POPPY He's a long way from sex. WILL I am out of the vortex! DOUGLAS I watched a guy get crushed by a forklift and this is worse. MIGGY Word. WILL Third time's a charm. I'm out of the vortex!