ALL_SINGING BOB CAITLIN CHAD CHARLES DIANA HODA HOST JOSH JULIA KATHIE_LEE KELSEY KIKO LAUREN LIZA MAGGIE MEN_SINGING ROSE SANDY CAITLIN Is there room for this in there? LIZA You're gonna need another bag. CAITLIN Mom, I already have three duffels and a backpack. LIZA MAGGIE And don't forget this. CAITLIN Oh. MAGGIE Condoms. CAITLIN MAGGIE Got you covered. Medium to magnum. LIZA Thoughtful. CAITLIN Uh, no small? MAGGIE I have faith in you. CAITLIN Thank you, Maggie. MAGGIE You expecting somebody? Here, let me try. JOSH Good morning. LIZA Good morning. This is a surprise. JOSH Just bringing doughnuts. Don't freak out. Hi. LIZA Caitlin, you remember Josh. JOSH Yeah. CAITLIN Namaste. JOSH I heard somebody was leaving for college today so... CAITLIN Excellent! JOSH CAITLIN Come on, we got a suitcase issue. JOSH Oh. All right. CAITLIN Yeah. JOSH All-in. Morning, Maggie. MAGGIE Uh, morning. CAITLIN Yeah, these are really good. Good job. MAGGIE What's going on? LIZA So I forgot to tell you something. CAITLIN You know, I think Josh might be, uh, more than a mid-life crisis, Mom. This could be serious. LIZA Oh, I'll keep you posted. CAITLIN No, I can tell he totally adores you. It's like the age thing just doesn't even seem so weird anymore. LIZA He seduced you with a doughnut. CAITLIN Rose! One second. MAGGIE You know, I like this Josh 2.0. He knows he made a mistake and now he's trying to prove himself to you. LIZA I'm just not sure I'm ready to go through all this again. MAGGIE A hot guy who will lie for you? What more does anybody want out of a relationship? LIZA When Charles found me at the mall, he kissed me in the men's department. MAGGIE How could you not have told me this? I did you like it? LIZA It doesn't matter. He thinks I'm 26 and he's my boss. Nothing can happen. MAGGIE I think you should sue for sexual harassment, get a huge settlement, buy my loft, I'll sponge off of you, and all problems will be solved. LIZA You're seriously not helping here. CAITLIN Uh, Mom and Maggie, this is Rose. We met at orientation. ROSE Hi. LIZA Nice to meet you, Rose. ROSE And these are my parents. JULIA Bob and Julia. It's so nice to meet the Moms. MAGGIE LIZA Oh. Actually, I'm Caitlin's mom, Liza. This is my very good friend Maggie. MAGGIE Yeah, we're roommates. BOB Where do you ladies live? MAGGIE Uh, we live in Brooklyn. I've had a loft there forever. I'm an artist. JULIA Oh, well, we collect. BOB Oh. How would you describe your work? MAGGIE Oh. Big, gay, and fun. JULIA Well, we love fun. We'll have to check it out. Bob's sister is married to a woman. BOB She lives in Portland. LIZA That's nice. CHARLES Hi. LIZA Hi. CHARLES I just want to say I'm very happy you're back. LIZA So am I. CHARLES And I would love to find a moment to...talk. I feel like... DIANA Charles, I was looking for you in your office. We are prepping Kiko Kagami for her book tour this afternoon, and want to make sure we'll see you at the meeting. CHARLES It's on my calendar. DIANA That's a beautiful tie, by the way. CHARLES Thank you. Uh, the salesgirl who picked it out really...gets me. KELSEY Chad, you've got to get into Thad's computer and shut down his Facebook account. CHAD I have tried every password I can think of. KELSEY Can you call them? LAUREN Oh, no, you can't "call" Facebook, Kelsey. No, there is no there there. KELSEY Well, what are we supposed to do? CHAD I'm working on getting them a death certificate, but until then, his profile remains active. LAUREN Oh, he's like a cyber ghost. KELSEY Just send me his computer, okay, I'm gonna figure this out. CHAD Kelsey, please don't yell at me. KELSEY I'm sorry. CHAD No. I'm sorry. We need to be comforting each other. KELSEY You're right, Chad. CHAD Do you have plans tonight? KELSEY I'll call you. LAUREN Uh... LIZA Has Chad had any luck getting into Thad's computer? KELSEY No, and I really need him to, if only to change this profile picture. Look at this. LAUREN Also, people are still writing on his wall. LIZA "I hope he's getting his face licked in heaven." "Thinking of you on hump day." KELSEY And 30 new friend requests. LAUREN Wow, he's really getting that post-death bounce. You know, it's always sexier when you can't get it. KELSEY Lauren LAUREN Okay, listen, I hey, I am gonna get you through this, girl. Just think of me as your grief coach. All right, I got to run, but I'll meet you after work. There is a really hot bereavement group at my temple tonight. KELSEY That's wonderful. I'm not even Jewish. LAUREN Even better, really. Um, oh, and equine therapy in the morning, okay, don't forget. We've got a busy schedule. Bye. KELSEY I'm not sure what's more stressful, being a bride or a widow. LIZA I don't want to smother you, but whenever you need me, day or night, I'm there. KELSEY I know you are. LIZA Okay. DIANA I am so pleased to introduce you all to Kiko Kagami, the writer of "Blissful Living," or as it is known in Japan, where it is the number one best-seller for the last two years, "Seikatsu Shiawasena." KIKO Uh, "Shiawasena Seikatsu." DIANA Arigato. Kiko is in the U.S. for a seven-day tour, which she will be kicking off on Thursday morning with an appearance on Kathie Lee and Hoda. Kiko, please. KIKO My book is rooted in the idea that all objects have a spirit, and we must work on lightening our load by setting free those objects which no longer serve us. We must be ruthless in identifying these things and, with a tender heart, kiss them and let them go. DIANA She got Oprah to give up bread. KIKO It was not easy. And as we do with our things, so must we do with our priorities. I ask you all now, as an exercise, to take the paper and pen before you and divide the paper into four quadrants like so. Now I would like you to write in each quadrant those things in your life you care most about in order of importance. Please do this now. KIKO Now stop. Look carefully at what you have written in your fourth quadrant. Whatever it is will destroy you, because it takes away from your real priorities. This is the vortex, the vortex of death. DIANA I wrote my mother. KIKO Young lady, as an example may I see yours? LIZA Oh, no, thank you. KIKO Oh, please, I must insist. LIZA No. KIKO Yes. LIZA No. KIKO I think so, ye... LIZA No! KIKO I think now... LIZA Uh, no. KIKO Huh. SANDY The idea behind Equine Assisted Therapy is that by communicating with a properly certified horse, you can unpack your toxic emotions and move more quickly through the grieving process. LAUREN That's wonderful. That that is exactly what my girl needs. SANDY You can tell your horse things that you might be too ashamed to share with a friend or with a therapist. KELSEY Okay. SANDY Let me introduce you to Mike. LAUREN Go heal. SANDY Gently brush him, and when you're comfortable, share your feelings. KELSEY This is weird. You really are a beautiful boy. You know, I do have one secret that I'm ashamed to talk about. I can't admit it to anyone. SANDY Oh. SANDY Congratulations, you got a release. LAUREN Yes! CHARLES I've got a proposition. LIZA Okay. CHARLES I would love to clear the air. If you're amenable, meet me at The Carlyle tonight at 9:00. If you show up, great, and if you don't, that's completely fine. Uh, it will be like it never happened. DIANA Charles, come say hello to Kiko. MAGGIE So behind door number one, we have your sweet, hot, 26-year-old boyfriend, who honestly knows and adores you and wants to be with you, despite your craziness. Behind door number two, we've got your 40-something divorced boss, with two kids. Is there really a choice? LIZA He's a grown-up. We talk about books. MAGGIE Talking? Books? Ugh. LIZA I've at least got to go meet him and make it less awkward. MAGGIE You know, I've kissed plenty of people inappropriately, and it's really not that big of a deal. LIZA I know my priorities. It's Caitlin, you, and my job. Anything that gets in the way of that is a mistake. MAGGIE You're gonna kiss him again. I know you. DIANA I know what you're doing. KELSEY Excuse me? DIANA Trying to avoid loneliness, burying your misery in your work. KELSEY I think you're projecting, Diana. DIANA Maybe. But I know a girl who needs to cut loose when I see one. Can I buy you a drink? KELSEY Sure. Just give me a minute. You wanna hit the bar next door? DIANA Oh. I've got a better place in mind. After my divorce, I spent every night for years in the office. I got to know all of the janitors. Anything to avoid putting myself out there. KELSEY How many years were you married? DIANA Five years. Andy really was a wonderful man. I don't mean to say "was." He's not dead, he's just remarried...to Eduardo. KELSEY Did you know? DIANA He was a WASP from Connecticut. I just thought he was uptight and well-mannered. KELSEY So did you guys have sex? DIANA Biannually. Here we are. MEN SINGING Be our guest. Be our guest. Put our service to the test. Tie your napkin 'round your neck, cherie, and we'll provide the rest. KELSEY Diana, what is this place? DIANA Marie's Crisis. It's where I come whenever I'm having one, 'cause you can't be sad or lonely surrounded by a drunken mob of gay men singing show tunes. MEN SINGING Try the grey stuff. It's delicious. Don't believe me? Ask the dishes. They can sing They can dance. After all, Miss, this is France. And the dinner here is never second best. Go on, unfold your menu. Take a glance, and then you'll... DIANA A double vodka for me, and a... KELSEY I'll-I'll just have a glass of wine. DIANA Two double vodkas. KELSEY What? DIANA Lubricates the vocal chords. MEN SINGING We'll prepare and serve with flair a culinary cabaret. You're alone and you're scared. DIANA Let's show 'em how it's done. MEN SINGING But the banquet's all prepared. BOB Charles. CHARLES Bob, hi. Hi, Julia, you look beautiful. JULIA Hi. Aw. BOB We're celebrating. JULIA No, we're not, I'm in mourning. BOB Aw, we just sent Rose off to college. CHARLES That's not possible. She's 14. JULIA She's 18. BOB We're empty-nesters. JULIA Hey, are you alone? You should join us. CHARLES Oh, thanks, I'm, uh, just meeting a friend for a drink. JULIA Oh, is it a date? CHARLES N-not exactly. It's this young woman I work with, and I kind of kissed myself into a complicated situation. JULIA Ooh, that sounds interesting. BOB Please, don't tell me she's your assistant. CHARLES She's not my assistant. JULIA Oh, God. BOB Ah, listen, as your friend, congrats, you still got it. As your attorney, I see lawsuits and HR. CHARLES I know, but she's different. There's something about her. She's like a like an old soul. JULIA Yeah, in a hot, young body. BOB Yeah, you're already putting yourself in a compromising position by inviting her out for a drink. CHARLES Come on. BOB I would keep it purely about business. If you want to pursue a romantic relationship, find her a job somewhere else. CHARLES Is there another option? BOB You could marry her. JULIA Oh. CHARLES Okay. HOST Miss Miss, can I help you? LIZA Uh, no, thank you, I'm fine. ALL SINGING Let's go fly a kite up to the highest height. Let's go fly a kite and send it soaring up through the atmosphere, up where the air is clear. Oh, let's go-o-o fly a kite DIANA KELSEY Wow! DIANA Oh, my God. KELSEY Oh, what's the matter? DIANA Uh...I think I'm gonna be sick. KELSEY Oh, no. Okay, go, go, go. Come on. DIANA Here we go. KELSEY Oh! LIZA What happened? DIANA I get...the vertigo when I have a vodka or two. KELSEY Or six. LIZA Okay, well, come on, let's get you home. DIANA No, I'm fine! LIZA Okay! No, you're not. KELSEY Oh. LIZA Let's go. KELSEY All right. DIANA Taxi. LIZA Watch your head. Oh, gosh. KELSEY Sit down. DIANA Welcome to my home. LIZA Wow. Diana, your place is gorgeous. KELSEY Yeah. DIANA It's a Candela building. Work hard enough for the next ten years and maybe you'll have a beautiful apartment like this. DIANA Actually, probably never. Not at today's prices. Can...I get you all a drink? LIZA Diana, are you sure... DIANA Bup, bup! Liza, I think I know when I've had enough. Kels? KELSEY Glass of white wine would be great. DIANA How about vodka? Wine is for fat people. KELSEY Okay, then. DIANA Excuse the mess, I wasn't expecting company. I suppose you'll want the tour. LIZA Uh...sure. KELSEY Yeah. DIANA This is where I sit. LIZA It's lovely. KELSEY I don't want that either. LIZA KELSEY Ooh. DIANA This is where I sleep. KELSEY Yeah. DIANA And this is my sanctum. LIZA Oh, my God! Diana! I'm...speechless. DIANA Kiko Kagami would have a field day in here. Half the things are probably vintage by now. LIZA Is that...your wedding dress? DIANA Yes. DIANA It's what I married Andy in almost 15 years ago. KELSEY Oh, please, don't put that on. DIANA Don't be ridiculous. I am gonna kiss this thing. DIANA And let it go. LIZA Oh...my God. How did that happen? KELSEY Uh. She found me working late and she asked me to have a drink with her. LIZA KELSEY Said she recognized a bit of herself in me. That's scary. LIZA Okay, come on, you are nothing like Diana. KELSEY It is true that I haven't been wanting to go home, though. It's like I've been burying my guilt in my work, or something. LIZA What could you possibly have to feel guilty about? KELSEY That maybe I was marrying Thad just to prove everybody else wrong. And when he died, a tiny part of me felt relieved, because now I didn't have to marry him. Isn't that awful? LIZA No, it's human. Kelsey, have you told this to anybody else? KELSEY Just Mike. LIZA Who's Mike? KELSEY A horse. KELSEY Never mind. I can't even. DIANA In my office! LIZA How are you feeling? DIANA I woke up in my Spanx, and my closet looked like it had been pillaged by thieves. Is there anything else I should know? LIZA That about covers it. DIANA Get me four aspirin and a Diet Sunkist, and we will never speak of last night again. KELSEY Hey. Kiko Kagami is on Kathie Lee and Hoda. KIKO It's about simplifying your life and being honest with yourself. Do I really need this thing? We really need so little to be happy. And sometimes, the less we have, the more happy you are. HODA I kind of agree with her. KIKO How many bracelets do you have? KATHIE LEE I have lots. KIKO And do you love these the most? LIZA I'm so sorry about last night. CHARLES Liza, I think you're fantastic. You don't have to explain a thing. KIKO Then kiss them and let them go. HODA Well, when I get home, I'm gonna kiss this whole outfit buh-bye. KATHIE LEE Oh, I'm so glad. LIZA I just want to you know... CHARLES It was just a kiss, Liza. Let it go. KIKO Kiss this and let it go. KATHIE LEE Hmm? This? KATHIE LEE Mm-mmm. KIKO No I... LIZA You can tell everybody about me. I don't really care anymore. CHAD My brother and I were super competitive. LIZA Thad has a twin? LAUREN Oh, yeah, he never mentioned it? CHAD We chased the same beautiful girls. JOSH I want to be with you, whatever that means. I'm all-in. CHARLES We want you back at Empirical. LIZA I don't know. CHARLES Just think about it. Think about this.