ANCHOR_BUG DOCTOR_PILLBUG GOLF_ANNOUNCER PA REG RUBE VARIOUS_ANCHOR_BUGS REG Man, what a day. REG That phone never stopped ringing. But coming home to you old pal makes it all worthwhile. REG Daddy missed you. Yes he did. Did you miss Daddy? Sure you did. ANCHOR BUG the tanning booth was destroyed but the Mayor is recovering nicely. On the local front, it was RoboRoach to the rescue when -- ANCHOR BUG Thankfully RoboRoach… VARIOUS ANCHOR BUGS RoboRoach, we thank you! RoboRoach… RoboRoach! REG Aaaaaah. There's nothing more relaxing after a long day than enjoying a little TV with my paper and coffee. REG Aaaaagh!!! RUBE My little dust buddies! You found them! REG What were they doing in my coffee mug?!? RUBE Playing hide and go seek, the little rascals. Wanna play? We need a fifth. REG Agh… No! I'm trying to relax! Go play somewhere else! RUBE Sure thing, Reg. RUBE Game's over guys! Reg needs it quiet! Do you hear?! Quiet!!! Oh... I’m sorry, Reg. Um, being quiet. Starting now. GOLF ANNOUNCER It’s a beautiful day this morning on the course… REG Ooo. Golf. My favourite show. REG Will you knock it off already?!? I’m trying to relax!!! RUBE Was I being loud? Sorry, Reg. REG Are you trying to drive me crazy? Send Reg off the deep end and collect the insurance, is that it? RUBE We don't have insurance, Reg. You see, you need an income to enjoy those luxuries. REG Oh yeah. We don't have any money. Which is kind of baffling since one of us is Roboroach, capable of all things great and good… Except making money!! RUBE Now, Reg. You know I can't take money for helping people. I made a promise, remember? REG Oh I remember! It's one of the zillion things about you that drives me crazy! I'm warning you, Rube! If you do one more brainless thing I am going to lose it!! Huh? REG Who are they? RUBE Promise you won't get mad? REG I won't get mad. Just tell me. Where are they taking my TV? RUBE To the Old Bugs Home. RUBE They don't have a TV so I kind of donated it to them. Those kindly oldsters really love their programs, Reg… PA Doctor Silverman, please report to entomology. DOCTOR PILLBUG Your brother is in sad shape. As far as we can tell, Reg has suffered an acute psychological catastrophe. RUBE Huh?! DOCTOR PILLBUG He's gone crackers. RUBE Oh poor, Reg! What oh what has driven you to this sorry state?? DOCTOR PILLBUG Judging by the severity of your brother's mental collapse, we estimate that Reg has been subjected to a level of frustration so great that even I can't comprehend the source. DOCTOR PILLBUG Although I'm closing in on a theory. Rube? I think I may know what's bothering Reg. Will you help us to run a few tests? RUBE If it'll help my big brother, you can count on me! DOCTOR PILLBUG What we are about to conduct are a series of routine tests. DOCTOR PILLBUG Simple everyday situations, your response to which will help us pin-point the cause of Reg's malaise. RUBE Hey?! DOCTOR PILLBUG What's making him crackers. Oh Paulo? Can you bring in the hot chocolate? RUBE Ooo I love hot chocolate. Can Reg have some too? DOCTOR PILLBUG Of course. But I should warn you. This hot chocolate? It's very hot. RUBE It is? DOCTOR PILLBUG Heated to four thousand degrees in the hospital's nuclear kilns. DOCTOR PILLBUG Hot chocolate so hot that if spilled, it's scalding heat could eat through concrete, granite… even diamonds. RUBE Boy that is hot. DOCTOR PILLBUG That's why you must be extremely careful not to spill any on Reg. Because of its extreme hotness. RUBE I understand. RUBE Here you go, Reg. DOCTOR PILLBUG In this setting Reg is being plagued by one of life’s little annoyances. RUBE Eaw! A mosquito! Reg hates those! DOCTOR PILLBUG …but that one works here. We need a blood sample. I was referring to Reg’s rash. RUBE Oh. Sorry. DOCTOR PILLBUG Alright, Rube, now for our final test… you've just found a wallet containing a vast sum of money. What do you do? RUBE A lost wallet? Well, that's easy. I'd return it to its rightful owner. DOCTOR PILLBUG That's very nice Rube but the wallet contains no identification. RUBE Hmmm. Then I guess I'd put an ad in the paper. DOCTOR PILLBUG But years and years go by and no one claims it. Then what? RUBE No I can't take it. It's not right. DOCTOR PILLBUG Okay I'm the owner. The money is mine. Take it. As a reward for your honesty. What would you say then? RUBE I'd say an act of kindness is its own reward. DOCTOR PILLBUG Yes but what if I insist?! I make fifty times this amount! It's nothing to me and I won't take no for an answer!! RUBE Oh boy that is a poser. What to do what to do? I guess since you put it that way I'd have to maybe think ab-- REG Take it ! That’s what you do! You take it all! Aaaaghhhh! He’s driving me nuts!! RUBE Reg! You're back! Glory be! He's all better! DOCTOR PILLBUG Heh. And not only that, we've pin-pointed the cause of his breakdown. REG It's you!! You're driving me crazy!! RUBE Now Reg, you're not a doctor. Let's leave this to the professionals. DOCTOR PILLBUG No, he's right. You really are driving him crazy. DOCTOR PILLBUG Congratulations, Reg. You're cured. But if you want to stay that way, it is my recommendation that you two never see each other again. RUBE I said… "I'm going". REG Yeah, okay. We’ll see ya. RUBE Yeah. I'll miss ya big brother. REG He's gone. He's really gone. I can't believe it. No more anxiety! No more chest pains! No more annoying bedtime routine. No more little brother… at all. REG Roo-oooobe?!? REG Roooob?!? REG Hey, Roo-ooobie?!? REG So there you are. RUBE Reg? What're you doing here? Avert your eyes! Don't look at me lest you go mad with madness! REG You forgot your Larvie Doll. RUBE Oh well… REG You know you can't sleep without it. RUBE Oh. Thanks. REG You know these, these trains are never on time huh. You know, if you want uh.. you can, you can come home and wait there. RUBE Really? But aren't you afraid I'll drive you completely loony again? REG Naw. Not as long as I keep my meditation up. REG So are you coming or what? I'm missing my soaps! RUBE Hoo! Whatever you say, Reg! REG Wait a minute. Aren't you forgetting something? RUBE Oh yeah! RUBE Thanks, Reg. I knew you'd come. REG Not that. Your suitcase. RUBE Woops. I'll get it. You stay right here. I don't want anything to vex or upset you okay? RUBE Oh Reg! Where are you? C'mon, this isn't funny. You're scaring me. Hey Re-egggggggggg?!? REG I'm scaring him?